03x08 - Episode Eight

I am afraid it's a "no" on lunch.

Bev just isn't up for it.

Unless you want to do it without her.

It feels a little weird.

Sweetie, it's a sandwich, not a blow job.

Kim Sally, as promised, this is Sean Lincoln.

This is awesome!

Good news?

You know that guy who got my part in the NBC pilot?

[Singsongy voice]


Oh, my God.

The man is paralyzed.

[Normal voice]


Be happy for me for once!

There he is!



So, what's up?

Should I be worried?

What? I can't take my favorite client to lunch?

We got a lot to celebrate.

Last week of "Pucks."

It's worth a steak salad.

Okay. Good.

I got nervous.

Thought you were gonna tell me, like, that guy's not paralyzed anymore.

Relax. It's apparently a lot worse than they thought.

Okay. Phew!

So, where are we with the NBC thing?

Do we have a deal?


So I should be worried.

No, not "worried" worried.

Now, look... the writer, the British guy, totally wants you.

You're his first choice, only one on his list.

Blah, blah, blah.


So the network is saying that they need to hear you read.

Get the f*ck out.

What can I tell you?

You've never done drama.

Have they seen "Pucks"?


That's probably another reason they want you to read.

Well, screw them.

I'm not reading for NBC.

I worked there for 12 years.

That was a lifetime ago.

Everyone who was there when you were there, they're that pile of bones in the corner.



I know, but that's the world we live in.

If Lucille Ball came back from the dead, they'd make her read to see if she's still funny.

Although I got to say, she wasn't... that funny at the end.

Nobody's funny at the end.


What if we say no?

Well, then they say no.


Listen, I've been around and around with these idiots on this.

It's a nonstarter.

If you really want it...

You know I want it.

But I'm not reading.

You sure?


It's insulting.

They know what I can do.

I'm not gonna jump through their hoops.

Okay. That's what I'll tell them.


I know! What can I say?

It's a giant hairy ass f*ck.

We're ready to order.

I'm thinking it's time to stop taking the meds.

I firmly disagree.

I'm telling you, I really feel okay.

I'm calm. I'm centered.

Nothing's talking that shouldn't be talking.

I'm really good.

The reason you're good is because of the meds.

It would be a huge mistake to stop now.

I cannot stress this enough.

Okay. Okay.

I hear you.

That's fine.

[Breathes deeply]




You're awfully quiet.

Am I?

Well, considering "am I?" is the first thing you've said since we started, yes.

So, is "am I?" also the last thing you're going to say?


What's going on?





You are acting very weird.

[Normal voice] Am I?

Aren't you?

I'll just say this... there are no secrets in this town.

And yet you seem to have one.



Isn't it funny?

With all your judgments and your moral high ground...

There you go. Let it out.

[As Beverly]

"Everyone's so phony here.

"You can't trust anyone.

They'll lie to your face."

[Normal voice]

Well, guess what.

You're no better than we are!

In fact, I would never do to you what you did to me!

I have to say I am now simultaneously troubled and excited to find out what I did.

And thank you for the uncanny impression, by the way.

Did you actually think that I wouldn't find out?

This is torture.

I know you're shopping a script to Kim Sally at FOX.

What?! Who's... Kim Sally?

[As Beverly] "Who's Kim Sally?"


[Normal voice] How would you feel if you found out...

If you found out that the person you thought was your best friend... ha ha!... was secretly shopping a script to another network?

I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

Oh, really?! Really?!

Then why was Sean having lunch with Kim Sally and Eileen Jaffee?

And don't tell me they weren't, 'cause I was there, and I saw them.


Hmm?! Hmm?! Hmm?!


Okay, fine. Yeah, fine.

I had a bite of lunch with them, but it was nothing.

A club sandwich.

There were also appetizers, and I'm pretty sure they split a sundae.

Since when do we take meetings without each other?

Not a meeting. A sandwich.


Nobody "takes a sandwich" in this town.

Look, you said you didn't want to go.

You didn't say I couldn't go.


That's your loophole?

A loophole's a loophole.

It counts.

[Plastic bubble pops]


And what was your plan, exactly?

Were you gonna do the whole show behind my back?

"Darling, you know that script from the drawer?


It's in its ninth year."

No. No.

I was very clear.

She knows she can't have it.

Damn straight she can't have it.

If anyone's getting it, I'm getting it.

You're not getting it.

I want it.

Why? You haven't even read it.

I read it!

You read it.

Eileen gave it to me.

Really? What'd you think?

Oh, my God!

If "Pucks" was half this good, you'd still be on the air.

Flattered and hurt.

You guys, it's so good!

I swear, if you let us do it, we won't change a word.


Could you put that in writing?

What are you doing?

No, no, no.

Let me be absolutely clear with you, and you, Mr. Club Sandwich...

This script isn't going to you.

It isn't going to FOX.

The only place it's going is in our suitcase home.


I totally hear you.



Obviously, you don't hear me.

I do!


No. No more "buts."


I just...

No "buts" and no "justs."

Either you let go of this, or you and I are done.

This is your moment of truth.

Are you my friend, or are you some bloodsucking network vampire?


Why do I have to pick one or the other?


It's time to choose.




I'm your friend.

But I'm not happy about it!

Thank you.

Then you don't mention this again.

You don't pursue it behind our backs.

It's over.

Can I just ask one question?

And don't get mad.

What if I'd picked the other one?

Any way you would have given it to me?


Friend. Friend.


[Plastic bubble pops]

Oh. I'm telling you, you guys can't go back to London until you've tried one of these.

See? And I thought we could.

You'll see.

You're gonna thank me.

We're not really hot-dog people.

How can you not be hot-dog people?

It's just all the sodium and nitrates.

Plus, God only knows what else is ground up in them.

Frankly, I'm more concerned about the casings.

I assume they still use pig intestines.

I forgot how fun it is to share sh1t with you.


Hey, Beth.

Hi, honey.

I'm gonna conference Jason in.

Jason: You're on with Jason.

Hey, bud.

Hey, man. What's up?


I just got off with TMZ.

They're about to run a story.

They've got it on good authority you're going into rehab for cocaine and diet pills.

Are you sh1tting me?

So you're not?



How can you even ask me that?

Uh, you were a little sniffy at lunch, and you didn't touch the bread.


Oh, good, good. Okay.

I just had to make sure.

So, are you sure now?

Yeah, yeah.

But you talk about bad timing.

I just told NBC you won't read.


Well, they're supposed to get back to me, but they're already nervous about working with you.

When they hear about this, on top of your D.U.I.?


Well, why can't we just tell TMZ it's bullshit?

Oh. They'll never buy that.

You're better off just admitting it and moving on.

But it's not true.

You asked. I'm telling you.

What do you want from me?

Well, then how do we make it go away?

Any idea where it could have come from?

No. I...

Oh, f*ck.

Forgot to send my father his check.

You really think your father planted that story?

I know he did.

Anytime I forget to send his check, he calls the tabloids and makes up some bullshit... hang on.

Dad, pick up.

Pick up.

Pick up the f*cking phone, you lying sack of sh1t!

I'm on my cell. Call me.

He's not gonna call.

I got to go over there.

You mind if we swing by?

It's right on the way.

Uh, this is really a family thing.

You don't need us there for that.

Yeah, I do.

Because if it's just me and him, I'm gonna f*cking kill him.

When will we learn?

Always... always... take two cars?

Hey. Is he in?

We're supposed to do the prep for our Elliot salad lunch.

He's in, but...


He's kind of not having the best day.


'Cause we really should do this before tomorrow.


[Chuckles nervously]

I don't know what to tell you.

[Knock on door]


Sorry to bother you.

But we said we were going to prep for the Elliot lunch?

It's very dark.


Want me to turn on a light?

Or I can leave it off.

Should I leave it off?

I'll leave it off.


So, uh...

I just think we should have some idea of what we're going to say... like which projects we're excited about.


None. Okay.


See, I didn't know you felt that way.

We're f*cked.


Everything we have is sh1t.



That seems a little bleak.


I-I think we have a couple of strong...

We don't.



Nothing's fresh.

Nothing's bold.

It's all the same rehashed, pre-digested garbage.

It's like everything you gave me arrived pre-canceled!


I'm so disappointed in you.

I thought you were gonna thrill me.

Do I look thrilled?


It's kind of hard to see you.

Do I?!



No. You don't look thrilled.

I'm just a little confused.

Last week, it seemed like you thought some of it wasn't sh1t.

I was being polite.

I don't like to hurt people's feelings.

What did you say?!

What? Nothing!


And that's all you give me...


Get out!

Wait, wait, wait.


I may have one more script for you to read.


What the f*ck does "may" mean?!

Don't give me "may"!

Okay. I do! I have one more script!

Comedy or drama?!


Oh, good.

I could use a laugh.

[Knock on door]


Look who's here.

Hi, Linda.



Ooh. So skinny.

You lost weight.

Yeah. I wish.

Well, you look it.

Come on in.

I'm making fruit salad.

Your friends want fruit?

No. That's very kind.

Thank you, no.

Suit yourself.

Where is he?

Ah. He's out.

You just missed him.

Well, when he gets back, tell him I'm gonna punch his face in.

You want to punch my face?

Look what's here.

I just said you were out.

Next time, say it louder.

What am I... a mind reader?

So, what'd I do this time?

You know what you did.

Bullshit. If I knew what I did, I wouldn't say, "What did I do?"

Don't ask me to say stuff if you're not gonna back me up.

I look like a liar.

We are Sean and Beverly, by the way.


You saying you didn't tell TMZ I'm going into rehab?

Oh, you're finally going into rehab?

No, I'm not going into rehab.

Is that why I didn't get my check?

You didn't get your check because I f*cking forgot.

Do they know to keep sending them while you're away?

I'm not going into rehab!

TMZ's usually right about this stuff.

The only reason they're saying it is 'cause you f*cking told them.

I didn't tell them.

I didn't even know you were going.

Listen to me, you lunatic.

You're gonna call them and say you were wrong.

What is the big deal?

Everybody's in rehab.

I-I can't say it again.

He's not going into rehab.

And if people think he is, it could seriously damage his career.

Where are you from?

What career?

He hasn't been on TV in 10 years.

I'm on TV now!

Oh, that thing with the hockey.

We watched it once.



I'm so glad we came.


Yeah, well, that non-career of mine sure pays for a lot.

He's always got to rub our noses in it.

You're sure? No fruit?

You couldn't afford it.

You don't think we know what you're worth?

We googled you.

You can google what I'm worth?

You can google anything.

How much did it say?

Really? In front of strangers?

How much?



Too high or too low?

I'm not f*cking telling you.

So, what? So you know how much to gouge me?

You hear that? Gouge him.

He is your father.

You show him some respect.

Use a spoon!

What are you... an animal?

Relax. It's fruit.

You know, you just waltz in here with your $60 million.

It's not 60.

You think I like taking money from you?

You don't think it's embarrassing for me?

Well, not too embarrassing to take it.

Why? Y-you'd rather we starve to death?

We're not exactly rolling in it here.

You know, I haven't had a vacation in four years.

From what?!

Oh, f*ck you!

f*ck you!

Is that papaya?

I hope not.

Okay. Last chance.

You gonna call TMZ or not?

And tell them what?

I can't undo something I didn't do.

That's it. I'm cutting you off.

Listen, you fat f*ck... if the man says he didn't do it...

You want to cut me off, cut me.

Consider yourself cut.


I don't need your goddamn money.

No? How about all the sh1t you bought with it.

Huh? You need this?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What are you doing?

Oh, he says he doesn't need it.

Eh, take it. I hate that lamp.

It's like reading on the surface of the sun.

Since when do you read?

Oh, f*ck you.


[Chuckles nervously]

This makes me very uncomfortable.

I'm guessing you don't need these pillows, either.

Take them.

They only get in the way.

They add color.


I am so sorry.

I had no inkling when he brought us here.

Shut up!

You need the microwave?

I know I paid for this.

It was a Christmas present.

It shouldn't count.

Who gives a sh1t?!

Let him take it!

What, you're gonna wait for the water to boil?


No, give me that.

Give me that.

Don't let her take it.

She's very strong.

She's an 80-year-old woman!

f*ck you, 80!

I'm calling the police!


Better do it before I take back the phones.

Do something.

You do something.

God damn it!

I wish David Schwimmer was my son.

So do I!

f*ck you.

f*ck you!

This is nice.

Is it new?

None of your business.

And it's roomy.

You can put a lot of crap in there.

You want me to go up and get some more?

f*ck you.

f*ck you! Get in the car.

Drop dead, you piece of sh1t!

So nice to meet you.

You too.

Get in!

I have to say, this feels like rather harsh justice.

It's not.

He's a lying scumbag, and he went too far this time.

Still, shouldn't you at least give it to a charity or the homeless?


That's what the homeless need... throw pillows.

[Ringtone plays]


Hi, honey. It's Beth.

So, I just got off with TMZ.

Do you know a woman named Dawn Randolph?


Morning's daughter?

Oh. Yeah.


You only f*cked her once.

What about her?

Evidently, she's the one who gave TMZ the rehab story.

Guess I should have called her back.


Can I tell them she's just an angry ex?

Yeah, yeah. Sure.

So, it definitely wasn't my father?


They know him over there.

Wasn't him this time.

Gotcha. Thanks.

Ah, well.

Shouldn't you give it all back?


It'll keep him on his toes.

Yeah. Counting equities, counting real estate, the office-building thing... all of it... just roughly a ballpark figure.


How the hell would Google know that?

[Cellphone beeps]

Hang on. I got another call.

Let me call you back. Okay.

[Cellphone beeps]


Just got off with NBC.

Guess what.

They blinked.


You don't have to audition.

No sh1t?

No sh1t.

You just have to go in and meet.


Why? So they can save face.

Look, you'll make nice.

They'll make nice.

You'll blow their skirts up.

I can do that.

I know you can.

And I don't have to read?

And you don't have to read.

All right.


Don't say I never did anything for you.

You're the one who told me you thought I should read.

Hey, if I were right about everything, you'd still have a movie career.


[Classical music plays]

This is very unusual.

He's never late.

It's fine.

Gives us a chance to catch up.


So, what's new?

Well, uh, my wife has Hodgkin's disease.

And I bought a Tesla.

Oh, my God.

I know.

It's so strange, knowing I'll never have to buy gas again.


Feels good.

So, talk to me... before he gets here.

How's he doing?



Oh, sh1t.

No. No, no, no. All good.

Are we in trouble here?

I don't think so.

Jesus, f*ck!

No, we're fine.

It's just I should probably give you a little heads-up.


Sometimes he can seem a bit...





What, then?


Apologies, apologies! Oh!

Sorry I'm late.

No. Sit, sit, sit, sit.

So sorry I'm late.

I was actually here 20 minutes early, but I refuse to valet park.

I know. Crazy!

But they sit in your seat.

They touch your wheel.



I ended up parking halfway to Burbank, but I'm here now.

Just give me a sec to look at the menu, see if there's anything I can eat.

Then I'm all yours.

What do you mean, anything you can eat?

I'm vegan.

That's a pain in the ass.

My daughter's vegan.

It's supposed to be very healthy.

Tell that to her scale.

She weighs 230 pounds, and she's 5'1".

That's a lot of vegan.

[Indistinct conversations]

Place ain't gonna smell the same without you.

Now get out of here, ladies.

Man: Bye, coach.

Director: And... cut!

Man: Check the gate.

And that, my friends, is a final wrap on "Pucks"!

[Cheers and applause]

Oh, my God.

It's over.

It's actually over.

I know. Unbelievable.


Should we say a little something?

We probably should.

Can I have your attention, please?

Or Chris will.

Before everyone scatters, there's something I really have to say, and I cannot stress it enough.

You must be sure to see Amy and return your dressing-room keys.

Otherwise, there will be a $50 key charge.

Thank you.

[Indistinct conversations]

Not quite the speech I would have given.

But it came from the heart.


I've got to say, I'm a little sad.

I know.

Me too, which is surprising, considering I hated every single minute of it.



Oh. Hey.

We were just saying this all feels very strange.


Oh. Yeah.

Oh, I'm gonna miss you guys!

Well, uh...

Maybe we should all go out for a drink or something.


That sounds great, except I can't.


I've got a wig fitting.

My pilot starts tomorrow.

She's stealing the wardrobe.

Yes, she is.

Uh, I didn't know you had a pilot.


What's it about?

Oh, it's this stupid Sci-Fi thing about eight people who, uh, survive a nuclear holocaust, and they want my hair short.

Well, sure. Nuclear holocaust.

Definitely calls for a pixie cut.

Yeah. Well, this hair's not going anywhere for a pilot.


All righty.

I guess this is it.

Sad face.

Yes. Sad faces all around.

Take care, you guys.




And then there were two.

Sad face?

I don't think so.


We're going home.

I'll believe it when we're eating nuts on the plane.

We are going home.

Oh, we are going home!




You got to taste this carrot.

I don't know why, but that's the best carrot I ever tasted.

It's 'cause you're hungry.


So... talk to me.

Where are we?

Tell me something good.

Okay. Well, first of all, this one's a genius.



Uh... Wow. Thank you.

Yesterday I was kind of down.

I don't know if you could tell.

A little bit, yeah. A little.

I was all, "Oh, we don't have anything.

What are we gonna tell Elliot?!"

Then this lady hands me a script.

Just pulls it out of her ass.


I read it last night.

Oh, my God.

It's gonna turn this network around.

Okay. This is what I want to hear.

You're talking about "The Opposite of Us"?

Uh, yeah.

It is so goddamn good!

The writing... razor-sharp.

The comedy...


f*ck! I was laughing out loud.

I never laugh out loud.

He doesn't.

It's got heart.

It's a show you want to watch.

I want to watch it right now.

I'm excited.

You're talking, and I'm excited.

Who wrote it?


Sean and Beverly Lincoln.

You know, the team who did "Pucks."

And it's good?

I'm telling you...

It's not just good.

It's a home run.

This one found a winner.



That's very generous.

But before we commit to this, there are a lot of other really great scripts that I could, you know, pull out of my ass.

What? No! This is it.

I don't want to even shoot a pilot.

I want to go straight to series.

How soon can they start?