04x05 - Mac and Charlie Die: Part One

[bunniefuu]

Okay, so, just to clarify for the parole board once again, you are claiming that your father threatened to, quote, "eat the living sh*t out of you".

That is correct.

And Mr. Kelly, in your sworn statement to police, you claim that the prisoner told you that if you didn't, and I quote, "jam a bunch of stuff into your butt," he was going to "r*pe you so hard the room would stink."

Then, he was going to, quote, "eat your butt and his son's butt" in the stink until his stomach was full of...

"your butts."

Is this correct?

That is also correct.

Oh, man, I'm sorry.

Warden, they're lying.

I do not want to hurt them.

In fact, I want to get as far away from those two as I possibly can.

Objection!

That's an objection, Your Honor.

Hey, he's lying to you!

Move to strike!

Move to strike!

Quiet! Sit down. Sit down!

He's lying!

He is lying!

Sit down... Get your hands off the microphone.

Just leave it in the middle of the two of you.

Leave it alone.

He said the middle, put it in the middle.

Take your hands off the mic!

Leave it alone.

That's not the middle.

Leave it there.

Yes.

A few weeks ago, they came to apologize for getting me arrested.

I did not accept their apology.

That never happened!

We were friends...

Shut up! Charlie, shut up!

Quiet! Quiet!

Quiet at the hearing!

Oh, yeah, Dad?

Not going to accept our apology?

Okay, fine.

Plan B, bitch!

We're going to bury you.

Yeah, Mr. Mac, I'm going to tell those parole board dickheads that you said you were going to r*pe my butt until the room stinks, and then you're going to eat my butt until your stomach is full of butt.

Full of my butt, and full of Mac's butt.

You're not going to say it exactly like that...

I'm going to say something like that, yeah.

Sure? That's a lot of butts.

Yeah, I think all the butt madness is really going to sell it.

It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia 4x05: "Mac and Charlie Die"

Charlie, I'm telling you, running away is not the answer.

Mac, we're going to need supplies on the road, okay.

So just calm down, help me throw some stuff into the stinking bindle.

Dude, no matter where we go, my dad will find us, and while I admit it would be awesome to be hobos, drifting from town to town, solving mysteries, I think we need to find a real solution.

Oh, my God, how do hobos fit all this stuff into a bandana?!

It doesn't make sense, man.

We're going to need, like, a towel or a tablecloth or something, but...

It's not going to look cool.

We're going to look like assholes...

Wait a second. That's it! I got it!

I got it!

Forget the bindle.

The only way that my dad is not going to k*ll us, is if he thinks we're already dead.

Oh, great.

I was hoping you'd say that.

Great, let's k*ll ourselves.

Let's do it.

No. No, you didn't let me finish. I don't...

It's no problem, dude.

I'm totally on board.

Okay, I'm going to grab a Kn*fe, I'm going to jab it into your neck, I'll yank it out. Then your blood's going to start going everywhere.

No, buddy, listen.

And you'll die in five to ten minutes, and then depending on how horrific that looks, I'll probably do it myself, too.

Okay, listen, I was going to say we fake our own death, and then he thinks we're dead, and he leaves us alone.

Yeah, right.

Either way works, dude.

Let's just pick one before he gets here.

Let's pick the second one where we don't actually die.

Calm down!

We'll pick the second one.

All right now, let's think.

We got to do it in some way that's convincing, all right.

If we were going to k*ll ourselves, it'd be awesome, right?

Yeah, yeah. If we were going to k*ll ourselves, it would be with class, right, I mean, because we're worth it.

Of course it would be with class!

What do you think, I'm not going to die with class?

Maybe some type of expl*si*n?

Of course there's going to be an expl*si*n.

You think I'm not going to explode?

I'm thinking, Charlie, it would be some kind of blaze of glory for you, yes...

Of course it's going to be a blaze of glory.

I'm going down right now.

No, no, no, okay, hold on a second, okay, all right, so...

Did I miss something?

You're not getting this. I'll walk you through the steps as we go.

First step: do not douse yourself with lighter fluid.

What is that?

I don't know.

Do you think it's for watching somebody poop?

You think there's some perv coming in here to watch me make?

What the hell are you guys doing in here?

I got to go to the bathroom.

There's a hole in the wall. We're just trying to figure out what it is.

Well, well, well, Deandra.

Would you look at that.

Frank, Dee, what you two have discovered today is what is most commonly referred to... as a glory hole.

A glory hole?

A secret portal created as a passage way for one to safely insert one's penis.

I'm sorry, a hole to stick your d*ck in?

The partition acts as a physical barrier, thus ensuring anonymity throughout the spontaneous act of copulation, or fellatio, or at the very least, a hand job.

What? Why?

Why would you want to have sex with someone you can't see?

Well, Dee, I think the real question is, why wouldn't you want to have sex with someone you can't see?

It's very European.

Europe leads the way in sexual exploration, and quite frankly, I think it's time we caught up.

This sounds hot.

I'm going to go get some duct tape.

Now, hold on a second there, Frank.

Before you go sticking anything through that hole, you might want to consider that on the other side of this wall, more often than not, there's a dude.

But you can't see through the wall, so how do you know it's not a girl?

I mean, I could just picture a girl, and then, it's good.

Right, well, some might find that method effective, but it's a dangerous game you're playing, Frank.

Supposing the other guy is picturing a girl, also.

How's he going to do that with a d*ck in his mouth?

I don't know. That's his problem.

We're filling it in.

Okay, buddy, you ready?

Are you sure we have to do this?

Charlie, yes, we have to do this.

Look, if the cops are going to identify the bodies, we need to leave dental records behind, right?

So we leave a couple of teeth, bing, bam, boom.

I know. I feel like it's going to hurt.

Yeah, it's going to hurt like a bitch. Okay, ready?

One, two...

Wait. That just kind of came out on its own.

Yeah, that slipped right out, huh?

I barely pulled that.

I barely pulled it.

What? Damn, dude!

That's another...

Man, you should really brush your teeth more because that is not normal.

Oh, Charlie, stop pulling your teeth out like that, man.

It's freaking me out.

They're just coming right out.

They, like, slip right out.

It's really freaking me out!

Oh, sh*t.

You think it's my dad?

Of course it's your dad.

Charlie, open up.

We got a d*ck hole in the bar.

I need you to come fill it in.

Okay, I got to go fill her a d*ck hole, bro.

No, no, no, bro, come on.

We don't have time.

Okay, uh, audible.

Grab the camera.

Is Dee's car outside?

Uh... yes.

Okay, great. We'll steal it. We'll use it as a part of blaze of glory.

Charlie, now you got to stop.

You really got to stop.

Just give it to me.

Give me all the teeth.

Okay, I got them in my pocket.

Huh? Hey! What the...

Okay, go, go, go!

Why would you do that?

Come on! Open the door!

Huh? I don't know.

It's all happening so fast, man!

You could've just opened it.

Oh, that's true.

I'll fire you through that window.

All right, grab the...

Just go! Just go! Go, go, go!

The videotape is done.

My teeth are scattered throughout the car, and the will is in place.

Great.

Toss it out the window.

They'll think we did it at the last minute.

Okay, got it.

Okay. What's next?

All right, I'm going to g*n this car as fast as it goes directly into that wall.

Now, judging by the distance, I'm thinking I could get it up to about 60, 70 miles an hour.

Oh, definitely, definitely.

At the last possible second, I'm thinking maybe three feet from the wall...

We jump out to safety, the car explodes in a hot ball of fury and we're dead to the world.

Okey dokey.

Good luck with that.

Wait. Where you going, dude?

Well, I'm gonna... I'm gonna watch you do it.

No, we need to do it together.

But I'm not really doing anything.

Yes, you are, Charlie.

You're here for moral support.

But if no one's actually seeing us jump out of the car...

Well, it's... we're gonna k*ll ourselves together.

There's no real...

Get out, get out, get out.

I'll do it myself.

The whole thing's gonna be better without me anyway, Mac.

I'm telling you, it's gonna be great without me.

All right, buddy, good luck!

p*ssy.

Holy sh*t, dude, are you all right?

Why didn't you jump out?

I'm okay, I'm okay, Charlie.

Holly sh*t!

Dude, oh, my God!

I guess I was just going too fast.

I was going too fast.

Oh, my God.

All right, let's get out of here.

We're gonna have to burn the car.

Let's do it.

We'll have to get some gasoline.

Holy sh*t!

We're not gonna find something to burn the car at a pawnshop.

Are you kidding me?

You can find amazing things in pawnshops.

This is the perfect...

Should've gone to a gas station, dude, and buy some gasoline to burn the car.

I know, but we've been talking about this the whole walk over.

You can't go to a gas station.

There's too many cameras.

Bro, like, I say something, and then you, like, forget it two seconds later, okay?

Are you sure you're all right?

Your ear's bleeding a ton.

I'm fine.

I feel like $1 million.

All right, well, you don't seem like...

Well, then, focus, Mr. Million Dollars, and let's find something to blow up a car.

Oh, Charlie!

Look at that wedding dress, dude.

That's sad.

Okay, that is not gonna blow a car up, okay?

So, can you focus?

Will you please find a way to focus?

Oh, sh*t, look at this, dude!

Now we're talking.

Damn, they sell g*ns here?

They sell everything here.

That's what I'm trying to tell you.

Pawnshops are like international waters.

People come in, and they just trade stuff, you know what I mean?

Anything goes here.

We can get whatever we want, all right?

Let's pick this bad boy up.

sh*t, that's awesome.

All right, good.

So you're sure we'll have enough money for this and the wedding dress, right?

'Cause that is a great g*n.

We're not buying the wedding dress.

Yeah, we're buying the wedding dress.

Are you crazy?

We can't just leave it here.

We absolutely can leave it here.

It's not gonna help us in any way, shape or form.

That's crazy.

Bro, okay, you know what?

That car wreck, it scrambled your circuits, all right?

You're losing your mind.

So, will you just let me handle it?

I got Dee's purse.

We got her credit cards in here.

We have plenty of money.

I know what I'm doing.

And stop talking about the wedding dress.

All right.

Sir, excuse me, sir.

Hi, we are in desperate need of something that will destroy a car and, uh, annihilate any traces of a human being.

Let me see what I got.

All right, you see that?

Your old buddy here knows what he's doing every now and then.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Well, this is an interesting turn.

I'm assuming this is a live grenade, yes?

Oh, yeah.

Well, then, we'll take it.

Was the wedding in Philadelphia?

I don't know.

I don't care about the wedding.

Sir, do you have anything that might get my buddy's head straight?

He's losing his mind.

Got some poppers in the back.

All right.

There we go.

All right, Luther, today's the day.

You got any plans for the outside?

Yeah, I got some plans.

I got some big plans.

I'm gonna throw this grenade into the car.

The car will explode, and our problems will be solved.

In the meantime, I need you to do a popper.

Okay, I understand the plan.

Except for when we find the bride.

Don't even start, man.

That's a very important part.

You've been talking crazy of my plan.

For way too long, so just take a deep breath of this.

Inhale.

There we go.

Grenade.

Gonna throw it in the car.

Yeah, let's do it.

You and me?

I'm back.

Let's not talk about the dress anymore.

Okay, here we go.

No dress, grenade.

Go, move!

Go, go, go, go!

This is gonna be awesome, dude.

It's gonna be huge.

That's it?

Weird.

That was totally lame.

That's what grenades do?

It was a very old grenade.

What a gyp.

I thought it was gonna be so much more awesome than that.

The car's not even on fire.

All right, plan B.

g*n, gas t*nk.

I'm gonna fire directly into it.

The car's gonna go up.

Now you're thinking.

Yeah?

Go, baby.

Ready?

You're gonna waste all the b*ll*ts.

You got to get a lot closer.

Closer?

No, you got to stay far away cause it's gonna blow up, dude.

Chickenshit, I'll walk right up to that thing and sh**t.

No, you can't walk right up to it and sh**t.

It'll blow you to safety.

All right, how about this?

Popper... put it to my nose.

We'll walk up, and I'll just be...

That will help you focus.

Okay, well, let's just...

That's at least the smart thing to do.

Okay, hold on, I'm stepping on this dress.

One, two...

Go.

Ah, God damn it, dude!

No more b*ll*ts.

Grenades and b*ll*ts don't burn cars?

All right, dude, new plan.

The teeth, the envelope, the crash.

I think it's enough, you know?

You think that's enough?

Maybe the cops will think we just, like, I don't know... disintegrated?

All right, fine.

Then, we'll get these credit cards, we'll buy some camping equipment.

We'll go up to the roof, and we'll lay low.

See, there's my boy.

He's making plans again.

He's thinking.

He's back!

He's also wearing a wedding dress, though, and I'd like him to take it off.

Oh, yeah, this is outrageous.

That's completely crazy, man.

This is it.

Uh, I'm starting to have second thoughts about this sex party thing, Frank.

Dennis, what, are you having second thoughts about the glory hole?

And now you're gonna be skittish about the sex party?

Don't...

You said you wanted to have anonymous sex.

This is the place.

I do want to have anonymous sex.

I want to have anonymous sex.

I want to have a sex party.

I want it all.

I want the glory hole.

I want all those things.

Here it is.

What I'm having a hard time believing, though, Frank, is that there is an elite secret sex society behind that door, in this building.

I used to run with this crew.

These people are the most powerful, influential, sexiest people in Philadelphia.

Well, then, why are they having a g*dd*mn orgy in such a dump then?

I thought this kind of thing went down in, like, somebody's elegant mansion.

I was looking forward to that.

No, nobody's gonna have an orgy in their mansion.

All over their nice furniture?

I mean, that doesn't make sense.

Well, no, it doesn't.

That's a really good point.

All right, let's do it.

Yeah, all right, put your mask on, and don't embarrass me.

All right.

Don't embarrass yourself.

What is the password?

Orgy...

You may enter.

Orgy?

Seriously?

What the hell is this place?

What did you bring me to?

This is a buffet.

Well, I can see that it's a buffet, but why is there a buffet at a g*dd*mn orgy, Frank?

You don't want to bang on an empty stomach, do you?

I don't want to bang any of these people anyway.

They're all paunchy and weird and old.

You can't tell under the masks.

I can absolutely tell.

And why are our costumes so much more elaborate than everybody else's like they didn't put any effort into it?

Ah, Jesus Christ, that guy's not even wearing a mask.

He's got the right idea.

This beak is interfering with my nosh.

What are you doing?

Don't take it off.

Ah, Jesus, what are we doing here, man?

How is this even an orgy?

Nobody's having sex.

What did you bring me to?

You brought me... what is this, like...

It's like a half nude buffet party.

Oh, it's not exactly what I thought it was gonna be, either, but it's okay.

There's a lot of food.

Frank, I think we can both agree this is not the kind of anonymous sex that we're looking for, right?

You want to go down by the bridge?

What in God's name could possibly be down by the bridge?

I don't know.

It could be cool.

It could be cool?

No, Frank, I don't want to go down by the bridge.

You know what, I'm going back to the bar.

I'm gonna go back to the glory hole.

That's something that I feel like I could wrap my head around.

This is ridiculous.

You think these are fresh shrimp or frozen shrimp?

I don't care!

What is this place?

These are not...

Who are these people?

It's like a bad acid trip in here.

I'm coming.

I'm gonna come.

Now, what if I just slip my foot over like this, as if to say, "Hello, I'd like to have some anonymous sex please."

All right, I'm into that.

Then, I wait for the signal back.

If it's a lady's foot, I'm in the clear!

But, Frank, here's my problem with that.

A man can wear a woman's shoe.

You can't rule out trickery.

I mean that's why we need the viewing slot.

The slot defeats the purpose.

I could see your eyes.

We might as well get married!

It's the safest way, Frank.

Dennis, if I was looking for safe, I wouldn't be sticking my d*ck through a wall.

You guys, get out here right now.

You need to take a look at this.

Good news, Dee, we made the bathroom unisex.

Glory hole's up and running, baby.

I don't care about that.

According to the Philadelphia Police Department, Mac and Charlie are dead.

You got the camera, man?

Yeah, is it ready?

Yeah I think so.

We good, are we on?

Dennis and Frank, if you're watching this, then we're already dead.

Our lives were horrible.

Horrible and sad, so we decided to end it all.

Not me actually, my life was pretty sweet.

But Charlie and I had a su1c1de pact, and I have to honor that because I am honorable man.

I will die an honorable man.

There's also a will enclosed and you totally have to do all of that because that's like a law.

Okay, wait a second.

My life was also very honorable.

Here we go!

I can't believe they're dead.

I can't believe they didn't include me in their su1c1de pact.

What?

Are you crazy?

They're not dead, they're definitely doing something stupid, but they're not dead.

You saw the tape, Dee!

My best friends went on a blaze of glory and they didn't even ask me to be part of it.

This is terrible!

Are you buying this?

That is ridiculous, Dennis, they left us a list of demands.

What are you talking about?

That's their last will and testament. That is not demands.

It says at the top : "List of demands."

Well, whatever, it's their wishes and we have to honor them.

Oh, we do? Oh we do, we have to honor them?

Okay, let's see, Frank.

Charlie's number one : my ashes are to be made into a tea and to be dranken by everyone in bar.

Done!

Damn it, gross, fine, what else?

Mac's number one.

In lieu of a body, which was most likely blown up in the most awesome way imaginable, I would like the duster to be b*rned and its ashes buried in an unmarked grave somewhere by the river.

Well, that's crazy.

I'm not gonna burn or bury the duster.

Yeah, we also both have to name our first born child Murphy because that was Robocop's name.

g*dd*mn it!

Mac is dead and he's still bossing me around.

Mac is not dead, Dennis.

How could you be so cold?

They blew up my car!

Not burning the duster.

You're still talking about a coat?

Absolutely!

That is an automobile.

It's a piece of clothing!

They're people!

They're all lying!

They're lying people!

Jesus, man, they must be really broken up.

We can hear 'em from up here.

They're like crying and whing and...

I'm excited about the hot dogs.

Oh, crap!

What?

We should've got beans, dude.

Hobos are always eating beans.

Damn.

We'll be fine without the beans, all right, cause this is a perfect, perfect hiding spot.

This would be better with beans though.

Leave it alone with the beans.

No! Stop it! Don't do it.

Oh, my God.

How? How is that possible?

I don't know.

Just put it down.

You think they're my baby teeth?

Put it with the other ones.

You're not gonna be able to eat this hot dog.

I'll suck it down.

I asked you to leave me be.

I asked you to let me live my life.

But you wouldn't go away.

You kept pushing, and pushing, until you forced me to do something drastic...

Something I was hoping I would never have to do...