05x06 - The World Series Defense

[bunniefuu]

[Gavel Raps]

[Woman] Next case. Mr. Dennis Reynolds.

Dennis: That's me.

Yeah. Right here.

How are ya?

[Chuckles]

From October 28, 2008, to November 1, 2008, you were issued a series of parking citations totaling $1,300.

Who are these people? - Oh, uh, these people are here to corroborate my story.

It's a parking violation.

Oh, well.

I think you'll find it goes much, much deeper than that.

Yes, Lady Madam of the court, I do believe that this court will realize... that we were all victims of a terrible ordeal that caused each and every one of us... great physical and emotional trauma.

And what is this ordeal?

The Philadelphia Phillies winning the World Series, Your Honor.

Okay, Mr. Reynolds. On what grounds are you contesting these tickets?

Well- What grounds?

Where do we even begin?

Oh, yeah.

On many grounds, Your Honor.

Many, many grounds.

Yes.

And let the record show that we are waiving our right to an attorney.

Just explain to me why you feel you should not have been issued these tickets.

Okay. Um, yeah.

Well, I think in order to do that, we should probably start at the top of the story.

I know what the story is.

Oh, all right.

It was game five of the World Series, and we actually had tickets.

Needless to say, I mean, we were pumped.

♪♪ [Hard Rock]

♪♪ [Continues]

World Series, baby!

Oh, yeah!

Hey-oh!

What's up, fellas?

What's going on, man? Not wearing any colors?

Not supporting the team, dude?

Wearing colors? Why the hell would I be wearing colors to...

Oh, my God! Today's the World Series!

I totally forgot.

Oh, wait a second. What's this?

[Charlie Cackles]

You didn't forget! Boom!

I didn't forget a "thang"!

This is one of the few times where it is acceptable to be shirtless in a public forum.

So I'm blasting bare chest the whole time.

What do you think?

Smart.

I think you're gonna be cold as sh*t.

I'm not gonna be cold at all 'cause I'm gonna be wasted on grain alcohol.

Grain alcohol. Whenever there's a potential riot, I'm getting blasted on grain alcohol.

Riot juice!

It's like rum punch!

Put some of that on my bug bites.

No. What? Do you want to remember it?

Charlie, come here.

Back to back.

Back to back? Okay.

What's going on with you guys, huh?

Oh, we got bed bugs, dude.

Oh, man. The place is infested with them.

Some guy brought them back from Haiti.

World Series, b*tches!

What is up?

Oh! # Whoomp, there it is Whoomp, there it is #.

Plan's still on, right?

Oh, sh*t yeah, baby girl. Plan is on.

Hey! Time out.

There's a plan?

There's always a plan, buddy.

Why didn't you tell me about this? What's the plan?

Okay, in the bottom of the ninth when the Phillies are up by, like, 50 or 60 runs, Dennis and I are gonna start b*ating the sh*t out of each other.

Which will attract the attention of Security. Yeah.

And that's when I run on the field and kiss a player. Oh!

♪ Whoomp, there it is Whoomp, there it is ♪.

And I will toss on Green Man and run around the field...

No.

And go crazy as Green Man.

No, no, no, no, no.

Whoomp, there it goes.

Don't toss on Green Man because in this particular case, the Philly Phrenetic really reigns supreme, okay?

We're talking about the Phillies here.

Leave that for other sh*t.

Are you kidding me?

Dude, people love that guy. - We love him.

I don't love him!

I'm sick of him!

He's got a stranglehold on the Philly mascot scene. It's not fair!

I got a pretty good thing going with Green Man.

I don't see why there can only be one mascot.

No. I feel like there's only room for one green idiot... running around making an assh*le of himself.

Whoa. I can't find the tickets.

What are you talking about?

I don't have the tickets in my pocket!

Charlie: What, dude?

Nowhere. I know exactly where I left them.

I left them on the coffee table in the apartment.

We don't have time to go back.

We're not gonna get a good spot for the tailgating!

We gotta go back and get 'em.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Dennis, Charlie, why don't you go to the parking lot, get us a good spot.

We'll go get the tickets.

All right. Let's move, man.

I can't believe I forgot the tickets.

Jesus Christ, Frank.

I don't know. All I'm doing is, like, just making the sandwiches.

By the way-

Shut up!

Okay, I think it's important to figure out which player I want to kiss... when I thrust myself out on that field.

I'm going Shane Victorino right now.

Flyin' Hawaiian.

Flyin' Hawaiian.

Strong choice.

But center field- way too far.

You'll get jacked out before you get anywhere close. Oh. Oh!

[Gasps]

Balls! Oh, no!

They're fumigating the building for bed bugs.

How did you not know that they were bug bombing your apartment, bro?

I can't read every flyer that gets slipped under the door!

Jesus Christ.

Well, now what are we gonna do?

Well, I don't know. We gotta go-

Go get the tickets! Hurry up!

I'm not going in there!

That's full of toxic smoke.

We'll go buy gas masks.

We don't have time for gas masks!

Frank, come on. It's not that poisonous.

Just go really fast.

sh*t. All right.

Mac: Jesus Christ.

[Coughing]

[All Coughing] Oh, God!

My eyes are burning!

Now what?

All right. Fine!

I'll have to scale the building, cut a hole in the tent, smash through the window.

That'll cut down on occupancy time.

You are not capable of doing that.

I absolutely have the upper body strength to accomplish that.

Are you kidding me?

g*dd*mn it, Dee! g*dd*mn it!

Will you shut up? I'm calling the boys to tell 'em we're gonna be late.

They're doing that right now?

All right. Keep me posted.

sh*t. What's up, man?

Bro, they are bug bombing your building right now.

They got the whole thing tented.

Oh, my God! Those guys can't get in there to get the tickets.

There's no way they're gonna.

That's poisonous gas, dude. You can't breathe that.

Screw 'em, right? What are you suggesting?

Maybe we sneak into the game?

I want to get into that game.

I don't even want to tailgate anymore, bro.

Oh, you're right! We gotta sneak in.

All right. We're gonna sneak.

How are we gonna sneak in though, bro?

Security's gonna be crazy.

There's a couple ways you can do it.

One, we can take the secret tunnel that goes from the Ollidy lnn into the stadium.

Stop. Stop, stop, stop.

There's no secret tunnel going from the stadium to the Ollidy Inn.

What the hell are you talking about?

This is common knowledge, bro.

There is. They built a secret tunnel so that the visiting players... can get safely back to the hotel without the Phillies fans hammering them.

We're passionate fans. Passionate fans.

We gotta hammer something.

So they got a tunnel for that? Wow.

Don't you think there's gonna be security there too?

There might. All right.

You know what? I got it.

We're gonna do a Charlie One-Two, all right?

You're gonna do this, okay?

Okay. One, you jump in front of a car coming into the stadium.

Two, you say, "I'm gonna sue you if you don't give me tickets."

No! No!

That is a terrible plan.

How is that terrible?

Because it involves me getting hit by a car.

You'll be fine, bro. You're drinking riot punch, man.

You'll bounce off that thing.

It's called the Charlie One-Two.

You do it.

Well, no.

I've done too many, man.

The next one could be my last.

I don't want to get hit by a moving car.

You'll be fine!

This is the World Series, man.

I don't want to do any more, dude. I could die.

You do it.

All right, g*dd*mn it. I'm gonna do it.

Let's do it! Last time. One last time.

Too shitty, right?

Crappy car. Yeah.

No, you don't want to jump out in front of a shitty car.

We need rich people tickets.

Rich seats. Oh. Ooh. This guy right here.

This is a good one.

This is gonna be a good one, dude.

He's gonna have such good seats. Go, go, go! Go!

What are you doing, man?

Bro, that guy was gonna have great seats.

Yeah. I felt like I didn't have a good angle.

What do you mean?

I might go this way.

You just jump right out in front of him.

This guy'll have good seats.

Don't get cold feet on me.

Jump out in front of this guy.

I'm fine. This guy's good.

[Screaming]

Your Honor, so my friend here pushed me in front of a moving car. No big deal.

Ladies and gentlemen of the court, these were dire times, and dire actions were needed to get those tickets!

But we didn't get the tickets, Charlie, because the guy saw you push me in front of his car.

Yeah, that's true.

We didn't get the tickets.

So you guys tried to scam your way into the game... by throwing each other in front of cars... with the hopes of extorting tickets from the drivers.

Let the record show that the three of us do not condone the actions of the two of them.

The record will show everything.

You can stop saying that.

Are you sure?

'Cause she's not typing very quickly.

Frank: It's shorthand. She's getting the gist.

I don't appreciate being paraphrased.

I choose my words very deliberately.

Get back to your case.

Okay.

So anyway, the three of us are back at their apartment trying to get the tickets, and Mac is scaling the building.

[Grunts] Well, it's just I couldn't get a good grip, you know?

Is it the grip? Is the grip the problem?

Hey, you guys.

Look, I found this garden hose. All right?

I'm gonna use it to pump fresh air into the building... and breathe into it like a scuba diver.

That actually seems like it could work.

Yeah. Let's give it a sh*t.

I'll try it out. Okay.

I'll go- Yeah.

[Grunts] Go, go, go.

[Groans]

Okay. How is it?

[Muffled Shouting] What?

I'll get-

Yeah! You're in?

World Series, here we come!

All right!

Pregame! Pregaming!

Let's pregame.

All right, Dee. Let's get back to this player selection conversation, okay?

'Cause I got some- got some thoughts.

Yeah, I've been thinking about it.

Ryan Howard, right?

Mmm.

[Groans]

What? Look, if it's me, I'm going Chase Utley 100% of the time.

He's a power-hitting second baseman.

Do you know how rare that is in the National League?

And he's hot, which is number one on my list.

Of course he is.

But I really like Ryan Howard.

You're kissin' Chase Utley, and that's it.

Why are you pushing Chase Utley on me?

It's starting to get weird.

Okay, look.

I have a plan, all right?

And it involves you getting this letter to him when you get out there to kiss him.

I have given this to Major League Baseball, his lawyer, his manager, his mom, and he has not gotten back to me, which means he hasn't gotten it yet.

So just-

Okay. What is in this letter?

That's none of your business, all right?

Just get it to Chase.

Did you write a love letter to Chase Utley? Is that...

In a lot of ways, yes, I do love him, but that is not a love letter in the way that you're thinking of it, okay?

There's nothing sexual or- Okay.

That sounds good. I'm gonna read it.

Pal around and-

Yeah, read it!

"Dear Chase"- Oh, sh*t!

There's stickers! Yeah.

My God. Oh, this is good.

You gotta jazz it up.

Yeah, you sure do. You sure do.

I want to make it pop.

"Dear Chase, I feel like I can call you Chase because you and me are so much alike."

Really?

"I would love to meet you someday. It would be great to have a catch. I know I can't throw as fast as you, but I think you would be impressed with my speed. I love your hair. You run fast. Did you have a good relationship with your father? Me neither. These are all things we can talk about, and more. [Mouths Words] I know you have not been getting my letters because I know you would write back if you did. And I hope you write back this time and we get to be good friends. I am sure our relationship would be a real home run."

[Imitates Hitting Ball]

[Snickering]

[Chuckling]

Well, if you- if you read it out of context...

There's no right context.

[Whistles]

Strike that from the record, please!

No, leave that on the record.

That one stays on the record.

Can we get back to your case?

Let's move on, huh? Shall we move on?

We're gonna move on.

Sorry about that, Your Honor.

Whoo!

My God!

Wow! Wow.

Okay. Okay.

[Laughing]

Hey, what were you hoping to accomplish with this?

I'm hoping that he reads the letter- Uh-huh.

And realizes that he's always wanted a younger brother.

Younger brother?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

That guy's, like, five years younger than you.

You know that, right?

Is he really? Are you kidding me?

He seems- Yeah- Oh, sh*t!

The hose is gone. Oh, God.

Oh, sh*t.

He's in there breathing the poison.

We gotta get those tickets.

I gotta get to Chase! g*dd*mn it.

Okay, hold on.

[Inhaling]

Oh, the poison is so thick!

Oh! Oh!

This hallway is really bad!

There he is!

Run! Get him! Frank!

Frank!

Frank! Hey, where are the tickets?

[Groaning]

Where are the tickets?

Leave me here to die!

No, come on! Where are the g*dd*mn tickets?

I don't know where...

I can't find 'em.

I'll find them!

I left 'em on the coffee table!

Get 'em!

The bug b*mb bastards took 'em!

[Loud Groaning]

Oh, God!

[Coughing]

[Gagging]

[Gagging] [Frank Grunting]

[Groans]

Hey. Yo!

How are you feeling, buddy?

I'm in a great deal of pain, Charlie.

I was just blasted by a car.

Yeah, I know.

You got creamed, but check it out.

I got you a soft pretzel dog!

Screw your g*dd*mn soft pretzel, you son of a bitch!

I might be bleeding internally!

Dude!

That's the Philly Phrenetic up there, man!

Maybe I'll go talk some shop with him!

A little Green Man!

He can get us in the game, dude!

Ow!

[Gasps] The Phrenetic!

Yo! Hey! Hey!

[Laughing]

Whoo! Whoo-hoo! Philly Phrenetic!

Philly Phrenetic!

Huge fan, man!

Seriously. Big time.

Are you serious? Do you mean that?

Ha-ha! Bring it in, man.

Bring it in. Ah, yeah!

All right. Now, seriously.

Man to man, mascot to mascot, I was wondering maybe if you could help get me in the game, you know, maybe hook me up with a Green Man routine.

We do it at the stadium together. So...

All right, now-

I'm trying to talk to you, dude.

I'm trying to have a conversation with you, you're belly bumping me.

All right. I'll give you...

All right, don't big league me now here, man.

Don't big league...

Look, I'm trying to have a conversation with the man behind the mask!

I feel like you're big leaguing me, dude!

Are you taking me seriously?

[Blows Raspberry]

[Car Radio: Man Rapping] ♪ Now it's time for a brother to get on the mike ♪
♪ And this mother party hype ♪

Yeah!

That guy's b*ating on the Phrenetic.

Dude, is that a hate crime?

Nah, it's not a hate crime.

You want to hammer his ass anyway?

Definitely.

♪ Let me hear you say whoomp, there it is ♪
♪ Whoomp, there is it ♪

Guys! What are you doing?

[Charlie Grunting] ♪ Whoomp, there it is Whoomp, there it is ♪
♪ Louder Whoomp, there it is ♪♪.

Yo, Dennis! Yo, bud!

Where you going, dude? Ow!

g*dd*mn it!

What happened to you?

Charlie pushed me in front of a g*dd*mn car.

That's what happened.

You look terrible.

Why are your eyes all filled with blood?

On account of the poison. - Dude, where were you going?

We gotta get in the stadium.

Look, it's starting to get packed.

Just forget about it, okay?

It's impossible to get into that stadium.

Trust me. Take my word for it.

No, that's not good enough!

We've gotta get in so Dee can kiss Chase Utley and...

Well, how the hell are you planning on getting in there, Mac?

Uh- You put me on the spot! First thing that comes to my head, scaling the facade.

I know I soured on that earlier, but I believe that is my mind telling me I have it in me!

I hate to tell you this, bro, but you do not have the core strength... to scale the facade of Citizens Bank- you just don't.

What? I work out all the time!

You only work out your glamour muscles, and you know it.

I work out my core!

No, you do not work out your core.

You're totally arm heavy.

You're all bi's and tri's.

And everything else is just fat and ribs.

Bro, I can do way more push-ups than you, and that's like 16 different muscle groups.

That is beyond Ret*rded, what you're saying right now.

I can do way more push-ups than you even though I was just hit by a car.

One, two, three, four, five...

Six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11-

All right, enough!

Stop it!

All right.

But you get my point, Your Honor, and you could see that Mac was slowing down at the end there. What?

And let the record show that that is because he only works out his glamour muscles.

No, that's- That's bullshit!

I did, like, three more than you!

Yeah, but you were- I wasn't slowing down.

Put that on the record!

Strike that from the record.

I don't think you did three more.

Oh, no! You saw it! She saw it!

I need this story...

Charlie: Sustained.

To come to an end soon.

Okay. Fair enough, Your Honor.

I will bring this story to a close very soon.

Okay, so- Let me pick up where we left off.

We were at the parking lot, and I had just punched him in the face for cheating... like he just tried to do right here in the courtroom.

Stop handing me papers.

Mac: Why did you hammer my nose, bro?

I hammered your nose because you disqualified me for no good reason.

Because you had bad form, dude!

What are you talking about?

You were slowing down, and you just tried to- That's bullshit.

I got hammered so hard! Yeah?

Well, you deserve it, assh*le!

Charlie, who hammered you?

Just some overly passionate Phillies fans. Who do you think?

You getting hammered by Philly fans is reminding me of something.

There is a secret tunnel between the stadium and the Ollidy Inn.

I know, dude! I was telling this guy about the tunnel! No! That's not true.

They built it 'cause Phillies fans hammer people all the time! That's a known tunnel.

They gotta get the players out!

It's underground.

Everybody knows about the tunnel.

Let's give the tunnel a sh*t.

Well, let's get in!

We've got nothing to lose.

It's starting.

You hear that sh*t? I hear it.

Is that- It seems like it's gonna rain.

Don't ever disqualify me again for a bullshit reason, or I'll hammer you again.

Was your form off?

Try to look inconspicuous.

Inconspicuous?

We all look like we've been in a terrible fight, Frank.

Everybody in here looks like they've been in a terrible fight.

These two ladies are in the middle of a terrible fight right now.

Phillies fans are brutal.

There's the elevator. Go! Go!

All right. Which way is it, dude?

Which way? Uh, let's try this way.

The game is about to start, and this damn thing is not giving me a signal.

Damn it. I don't know if I'm on board with this plan, man.

I might just go up to the hotel bar and watch it up there, then join the riot afterwards.

Maybe you're right. If we can't go to the game, we should be able to watch it somewhere.

We're getting in the game, all right?

Dee: Just hurry up.

All right, hang on a second.

This looks good down here.

Bingo. Look at this little room.

This has got to be something, right?

All right. Here we go.

It's a linen closet, Charlie.

Yeah. They want you to think it's a linen closet, Frank!

All right, check behind the shelves and sh*t. Why?

In Scooby-Doo, secret tunnels are always behind shelves. There's gonna be one.

Could we not base our decisions on what does and doesn't happen in episodes of Scooby-Doo?

g*dd*mn it! Let's get up to the bar before the game ends!

Yeah, let's go.

Come on.

Oh, sh*t. It's locked.

What?

What do you mean, it's locked?

It's locked!

Help! Hey!

Somebody help us!

Guys!

Check this out.

No!

[Laughing]

Holy sh*t.

Is it really?

This is the way. Charlie: Hang on.

It's dark in here.

But it sounds like it's a tunnel.

Frank: It's dark as hell in here.

Dee: I can't see anything.

Mac: It stinks.

Dennis: Awful.

Charlie: Hang on. Hang on.

I found a light.

[Screaming]

[Screaming Continues]

No, no!

[Screaming]

No, stop it! No! Uh-uh! No!

Are you telling me you all found a dungeon at the bottom of the Ollidy Inn?

No. No, no.

No, no. Not really.

I just added that last part at the end there to spice the story up...

'cause if I'm being honest, it kind of seemed like we were losing you for a bit.

Yeah, you weren't paying attention, but- But now you are.

But the point is, we did get stuck in that linen closet for six days.

Yes, we did. And as you know, there was a rain delay on the game.

We missed the game. We missed the riot.

We missed the parade. We missed everything.

Yeah. And the only way we got out is some maid came after six days to get fresh towels.

Yeah. How does the hotel not run out of towels for six days?

Let the record show that we question that hotel's sanitation procedures.

Absolutely.

Frank: It's a filthy place.

And while we were stuck in that tiny little room for six days, surviving only on sink water and peppermint candies... and what little bit of riot punch we had left at that point, my car accumulated the massive amount of parking tickets... that brings us before you today.

So I submit to you that not only should I be excused of those parking tickets, but I think, um, we're really owed compensation for the entire ordeal.

Compensation.

Because we went through some sh*t!

Is that it?

Dennis: Um...

I think that about covers the bases, yeah.

Because I do not find that your story excuses your behavior.

In fact, it actually seems like... you committed a litany of additional crimes in the process.

I order you to pay the original fine.

Next case!

I didn't want to do this, but I'm gonna have to...

I'm calling kangaroo court on this one!

A kangaroo court!

It's a kangaroo court.

I'm calling kangaroo court because...

And you know what?

I'm gonna toss in my countersuit.

Uh, Charlie Kelly versus Major League Baseball...

A countersuit, Charlie?

And the Philly Phrenetic.

Don't do it, Charlie. I'm mad that this guy.

He's got a stranglehold...

Oh, boy. Look what's happening.

On the mascot scene.

First of all, I had to call him the Phrenetic.

His name's the Phanatic.

But I'm gonna get sued by Major League Baseball if I call him the Phanatic.

And let's talk about steroids!

Can we talk about steroids?

Can we talk about steroid abuse?

It's bullshit!

It's ruining the game!

It's ruining it!

[Door Slams]

[Voices Speaking Backwards]