06x10 - Charlie Kelly: King of the Rats

[bunniefuu]

Mac: So like you said, when you come face-to-face with something like that, what are you supposed to do?

(Charlie groaning)

Sweet Dee: Oof!

Oh, hey, buddy.

Dennis: Yeah, what's going on there, pal?

Charlie: Oh, my God, I just found a rat's nest.

Slaughtered about 200 of 'em.

200? Couldn't be. That's...

Jesus Christ...

Oh, it's like, it's like whole generations of those things have d*ed at my hands, and... mothers, fathers, grandfathers, little baby rats. (scoffs)

Mmm, yeah.

Wow.

Well, you know, keep up the good work.

Yeah.

Sometimes I wonder though, if our lives are really more valuable than theirs, you know what I mean?

Yeah.

They are.

Yeah.

Our lives are definitely...

Yeah. without a doubt.

Yeah.

Without a doubt.

If that makes you feel any better.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, well, I suppose I oughta...

Get back to it?

Yep. Jump right back in there, tiger.

Get on the horse.

Charlie, bash, bash 'em up.

Do what you do best.

Alright. Thanks, guys.

Yep. Oh, God.

I just gotta go to the bathroom.

Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Alright, man.

He touched me with it.

Ugh! God, what a life, huh?

Frank: Today's his birthday.

Are you kidding me?

Poor guy, on a day like this.

We oughta do something nice for him.

Mm-hmm. Definitely.

Yeah, absolutely.

Oh! You want to get him a new rat stick?

That's a good idea.

Abso... I was thinking maybe we should throw him a surprise party.

He is really bummed.

I guess we could do something nice for him.

Definitely. Listen, for one day let's make the poor bastard feel special.

For one day let's make this lowly rat k*ller feel like a king.

Yes.

In the simplest... Easiest... way. ...easiest.

I'm tired today, you know?

Here it is. I got it!

I'm thinking we go with a Hawaiian trip-hop, underground Huh?

What is that?

What even is that?

Well, you know...

I'll even hang around with this guy Duncan from under the bridge....

And he runs with this rough crowd and they're all into Hawaiian underground sh*t, you know?

And I made a little list of stuff that would really support that theme.

"Fill bar with sand.

Roast wild pig.

Invite Duncan and crew."

Ooh, this seems like a whole lot of work.

Uh, does anybody really even like surprise parties anyway?

You know?

I don't.

What the hell's the matter with you?!

How did you get so cynical?

Cynical?

You can't even get excited to give your friend a party!

I mean, giving somebody a birthday party, a surprise party is one of the greatest things you can do for him!

Okay, Frank.

Alright.

Alright, alright, well, maybe we are being a little cynical.

Clearly, this means a lot to you, so, fine.

We'll jump on board with the party.

What's the plan?

Alright, the plan is you guys execute this list.

Mm-hmm.

I am gonna take Charlie to the spa for a day to distract him.

Hold on a second.

Why do you get to spend the day at a spa while we do all the legwork?

Because I got these two coupons in the mail.

Okay, I'm pregnant, and you haven't offered me coupons or spa days or roasted pigs or surprises or any-any of those fun things.

Oh, oh, okay, well, in the interest of not being cynical and, you know, doing sh*t for other people, I'm gonna suggest that we give the two coupons to Dee and she does the spa thing.

Surprise. Perfect.

Thank you.

Alright, cool.

I will take this coupon and sneak out the back so Charlie doesn't see me.

Wait, wait.

What, what? What?

No, you have to take Charlie with you to the spa.

That's the whole thing.

You have to distract him.

Oh... sh*t.

Yeah, Frank, you might be right about us getting cynical.

I just, I just jumped straight to default and was gonna throw this second coupon in the trash.

But the Charlie thing, yep, we're doing the Charlie thing.

Okay, I got it. I'm on it.

Okay.

Hey, Charlie!

Okay, hey, listen, uh, you've been really stressed, so I thought I would take you for a spa day, just you and me.

A what day?

A spa day.

What is this word "spa"?

I feel like you're starting to say a word, and you're not finishing it.

Are you trying to say "spaghetti"?

Are you taking me for a spaghetti day?

No, Charlie, I wasn't trying to take you for a spaghetti day.

Oh, God, you know what?

It doesn't matter. It's okay.

That's alright.

I'm doing something nice here.

I tell you what.

Let's go to a movie.

Want to go to a movie?

Dee, I go to movie or a spaghetti place with you you know and ***?

What if I guarantee you that nobody out there will put you into a bag and bash you against a telephone pole?

Would that comfort you at all?

Nope. That's a guarantee you can't make, Dee, alright?

Alright, I tell you what...

That's why I'm building this little puppy.

Yeah. Don't do...

And no one's getting bashed.

Okay, I tell you what, Charlie.

If you don't come with me to the movie, I'm gonna take this raccoon of yours and I'm gonna bash it into a telephone pole.

No! I can't take any more bashing today, alright?

Okay, let's go, let's go.

This will be fun!

Alright, let's go.

Dennis.

Yeah?

Why don't you check that box of tiki torches, start setting those up?

What this?

Yeah, that box there.

What is this?

We didn't put this in here.

Surprise!

What is that? What'd you do?

I got you a present, bro!

I'm trying to be less cynical, and Frank is totally right.

The surprise is the way to go!

So you got me a gift?

Yes! Yeah, while we were picking out the decorations, I slipped out and I got you something I think you're gonna gonna like.

Okay, alright. Ooh!

Ooh! Okay. Uh!

Ah!

Oh! Oh, a shirt!

I love this shirt!

Oh, that's great, man!

Thank you.

Hey. No, this isn't the shirt that I picked out.

Yeah. No. Well, no.

What is this?

It's the shirt that I... that I picked out.

But that's cool.

Here's the thing, man.

I-I got a little suspicious when you slipped out earlier, and so I followed you into the store, and I saw that you were about to make a really bad choice, and then you did make that choice and you bought that other shirt, and it was a bad shirt.

It was an ugly shirt.

Hideous really.

So I grabbed that shirt out of the bag when you weren't looking and I returned it and bought myself this shirt which isn't hideous.

And so, surprise.

That was a good shirt.

No.

This brings me no joy at all.

I feel nothing.

I feel...

I feel like you just, you stole money from me, and then you bought yourself a shirt.

A shirt with your money.

Yeah.

No, that is what happened.

(Frank laughs)

That is a ridiculous price and you know it!

Supposing I bought a pig unseasoned and dressed it myself?

Then what? What then?!

Well, that's not what Jerry Carelli said, assh*le!

Ha! Pitting two pig dealers against each other.

Ah, sure.

Frank, are you sure about this luau thing?

I mean, it's a ton of work.

Yeah. Does Charlie even know what a luau is?

I doubt Charlie can even say the word "luau."

I mean, how do you know that's what he wants?

Because I read it in his dream book.

In his what? His dream book?

Yeah. Charlie keeps a book of dreams and aspirations.

They're mostly in pictures and symbols, but he has been obsessing about this luau thing since we met Duncan under the bridge.

Okay, now, my first instinct: When you say things about meeting people under bridges, it's to, it's to berate you for hanging out with people under a bridge and to say to you, "Why do you hang out with these... with these people?

You and Charlie shouldn't be..."

But I'm not gonna say anything because I don't want to be cynical anymore.

I'm not going to say anything.

I'm just...

Maybe the bridge is exciting.

No.

The bridge is awesome.

Ooh.

It's probably pretty cool.

(Dennis grunting)

(phone ringing)

Hold on a second. Hold.

Hey, it's the other pig guy.

Ah, so you come crawling back, you cheap sack of sh*t.

Oh, you can't bring food into the theater.

No, I'm not. I bought it over there with that food.

No, you didn't.

How do you know that?

Because we don't serve spaghetti... and I just watched you walk in with it.

You call my bluff, sir.

I shall dispose of this ***

A moment, please.

Dee, do me a favor and pop this in your purse real quick.

No, absolutely not.

No. Why do you have to bring spaghetti...?

You caught me hankering for spaghetti and I want it.

Just eat it, then.

Eat it fast and we'll go.

No, I want to enjoy it and watch the movie.

It's going to make a mess in my purse.

I'm leaving because the spaghetti is the whole deal for me.

g*dd*mn it. Just... g*dd*mn it.

Just put it in. Be careful.

You are... this is so stupid.

And there we go!

Got rid of it.

Great. Thank you.

Okay.

Look at this place, Dee.

Look at the size of the place.

What does 3-D even stand for?

Third dimension.

Just... please stop talking.

Third dimen...

What dimension are we in?

Shh! Charlie, I don't know.

Shh!

Isn't stuff, like, supposed to pop out at us?

I don't know. I'm not sure.

Let's watch and find out, okay?

Whoa!

(Dee gasps)

Did you see that?

Yeah. Yeah, I saw that.

That came, like, right at you.

Is this safe?

Are you kidding me?

I don't know.

Take the glasses off if you're uncomfortable, okay?

But then everything's, like, blurry.

Then put the glasses on and shut the hell up.

Shh!

You shh!

See, then, stuff's not safe.

Uh-oh.

Whoa.

What happened to my meatball?

Hey, would you shut up?

Oh, no, you know what happened?

When I...

I bet it flew off when I...

Okay, you are a sleuth.

You've gotten to the bottom of it.

That's very exciting.

Now shut up.

Let me just find it.

I'm sorry, did you see a meatball...

Charlie, sit down.

Oh, my God, Charlie.

I swear to God, if you don't sit down and shut up and watch the movie, I'm going to att*ck you.

I don't care how pregnant I am, I am going to get out of this seat, I'm going to att*ck you.

I got it, got it, got it...

Oh, you got it? Okay, good.

Sit down.

Got the meatball.

Sit down!

Quiet down!

The movie's boring.

You... You...!

How could you...

You're not watching the movie.

Ugh. Uh-uh.

Aah, you're not gonna like this.

What happened?

Ah, nuts.

Some-some spaghetti kind of like spilled in your purse a little bit.

Oh, sh*t.

Want your spaghetti, Charlie?

Want your spaghetti?

Here's your spaghetti.

Oh, don't dump it on the ground like that.

Shut up and watch the movie.

I don't want to shut up and watch the movie.

Can't eat spaghetti, can't follow the movie.

Doesn't make sense.

I'm going back to the bar.

Good. Good. Go to the bar.

I'm taking the spaghetti with me.

Excuse me.

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

(Dennis grunting)

Dude, I just saw another rat.

Yeah, I know.

There's definitely a ton of rats in here, that's for sure.

I see him! I see him!

Oh, sh*t.

We gotta distract him.

Yeah.

I'll tell him the keg exploded.

No, that's a stupid idea.

That's a stupid idea.

We're going with the burst pipe.

Uh, I like the keg idea.

Your idea is so stupid...

Let's go with the burst pipe...

♪♪♪

Hey, Charlie, Charlie!

Charlie boy!

Hey, where'd you get those glasses, bud?

Oh, these?

They're just, like, third dimension glasses, you know?

Don't really work, though, 'cause I feel like I'm still seeing stuff in whatever dimension we live in.

Right. Well, listen, um, you can't really go in the bar right now, bro.

Why not?

Well, because a keg exploded.

Holy sh*t. Can that happen?

A piece of metal flew off the keg and hit Dennis right in the d*ck.

Holy sh*t. Are you okay?

Yeah... No, I-I'm fine.

I'm fine. I got lucky.

It mashed right into it.

We all thought he was gonna lose it.

Charlie, it lumped it up and m*nled it like a chicken potpie down there.

Dickless Dennis.

That's what we should call him now... Dickless Dennis.

No, no, no.

It's totally fine.

(Dennis laughing)

Oh, Dickless Dennis.

Oh, d*ck... But it doesn't apply because my totally went back to normal, and it's fine now.

I'll show it to you.

I don't want to see it.

Anyway, moving on, how was the spa?

Spa?

Oh, spaghetti?

How's my spaghetti?

Dee threw it on the floor.

No, no, the spa.

The spa that Dee took you to.

Oh, no, she took me to a movie.

Yeah, it was lame.

I couldn't understand it.

Made no sense.

That cynical bitch.

Hello. I would like to redeem this coupon and go ahead and toss this one in the trash for me.

Busted!

Ah, see!

Oh, busted, Dee.

You're so busted.

What?

What are you guys doing here?

I'm taking Charlie to the spa because he's stressed.

A keg exploded in the bar, blew Dennis's d*ck off.

No, no...

Oh, it's a mess down there.

No, my...

My d*ck is fine, Dee.

Let me have those coupons.

No, you said I can have them.

Dee, you were supposed to take Charlie.

Yeah, I tried to take Charlie, but he refused to go.

What is your spaghetti policy here?

Are you hearing this?

Are you hearing this?

He doesn't belong in a place like this, you guys.

Alright, come on, we're wasting time.

Go get Duncan and the bridge crew and bring them to the bar.

I'll occupy Charlie.

No.

Where's the robes?

I think this is it, right here.

This is sketchy as hell.

(Dennis exhales)

Yeah.

(knocking)

(door opens)

Hey, um, yeah, we're looking for Duncan.

(door slams shut)

Oh, let's go.

Oh, yeah, we should take that as a sign, right?

(chain clattering)

Yeah. Oh.

Come on.

Yeah?

Hey.

Hey. Hey.

You pregnant.

One more time.

What is happening in here?

I don't know.

Come on, no Alright, uh, Mr.

Duncan, we were wondering if we could talk to you about...

I ain't no Duncan.

It's this n*gga right here about to go level three and sh*t.

That's Duncan.

Oh... you're Duncan.

Uh, Mr. Duncan, we were wondering if you could come to a surprise party for Charlie.

Who?

Charlie.

He's Frank's friend.

It's my understanding you guys have all been hanging out under a bridge.

Oh, yeah, Frank.

I know that bitch.

Okay, hey, listen, Frank mentioned that you might be willing to...

Oh, sh*t!

Level three, son!

Yeah, level three!

This is bizarre, okay?

Charlie should not have anything to do with these people.

No.

They are deranged.

You know what? Frank has too much influence over this whole thing, alright?

I think we gotta stop and think about what Charlie wants.

Yeah, I think we need to get our hands on Charlie's dream book and we need to figure out what that kid wants ourselves.

(man and woman moaning)

Mother pus bucket.

You piece of sh*t, you broke my wall!

We have company here.

(men yelling)

Should we call the police?

Oh, you know what, let's just go, let's just go.

No, no, no, no, no.

Let's get the hell out of here.

Alright.

(woman continues moaning)

Charlie, let's go.

Get in here.

Oh, oh, oh.

Hey, guys, the management needs everybody to get out, because they caught a guy jerking off in here and they're going to send in a crew to wipe down the loads.

Go ahead, go on, let's go.

God, it's terrible.

It's really disgusting.

Get rid of all the strange dongs.

Ah.

Yeah, a little bit.

I don't get it, man.

What's so relaxing about sitting around in a hot, wet room?

It's all about opening up your pores, Charlie.

Yeah.

Yeah, take your robe off.

Yeah, that's it.

You got your clothes on.

Get your clothes off.

What? No.

I can't get naked in public.

Suit yourself, alright?

I am gonna roast like a pig.

OK, I'm gonna eat the spaghetti.

Oh, guys, guys, guys.

Hey, this is it.

Dram... Dram bak...

***

Yeah, look at this...

Pictures and symbols.

I don't see anything about our stupid luau, but, uh...

This looks weird.

What is that?

What do you make of it, guys?

Looks like a drawing of a pair of jeans, a plus sign and a chicken.

Denim... chicken.

Denim chicken.

Okay, guys, my gut is telling me to throw this book in the trash.

Well, yeah.

It's absolute nonsense.

Uh-huh.

I think we're all feeling the same thing, but I think we need to fight that instinct.

We have to throw a party for Charlie.

It's so simple.

If we can't do that, what does that say about us?

You're right, you're right.

This isn't about us.

Let's not be cynical.

Let's do what the kid wants.

Yeah. If he wants a worm... hat... Worm hat.

Worm hat.

Okay, how do we get him a worm hat, 'cause I don't know what that is.

Maybe there's a drawing, or...

What is that?

That's a bird with teeth.

It sure is.

Okay, look, we don't have a lot of time, so let's just figure out the best we can do.

We can do it, we can do it.

Alright, we'll do these things.

We'll do these things, okay.

Dude, how much longer do we have to stay in here?

Come on, just relax.

Take your clothes off.

I feel trapped in here, Frank.

Huh?

I'm trapped like a rat.

Holy sh*t, I'm trapped like a rat, aren't I?

No, you're not, Charlie.

I'm a rat in here.

I'm a rat!

I'm trapped like a...

(screams)

I got to get out of here.

Calm down, Charlie.

I'm tired of being in weird places, Frank, 'cause I'm trapped like a rat.

Calm down, Charlie, calm down.

Relax.

Okay, alright, alright.

I got to get out of here!

Now calm down.

How do I get this off?

(screaming)

Charlie, no, no.

Take it easy, Charlie.

Just bash me, Frank.

No, I'm not going to bash you, Charlie.

Just bash me like a rat.

Bash me like a rat and get it over with.

Oh, sorry guys.

Just let me know when you're done.

I'm the guy who wipes down the loads.

I'm not wearing the stupid thing, and that's it.

It's a lei.

All: Surprise!

What the sh*t is this?

Where's my luau?

Well, we went around you, Frank.

Yeah.

Happy birthday, Charlie.

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday?

Oh, is that why you guys were doing all that weird sh*t with me today?

Yeah. We were trying to distract you so we could plan your party.

Thanks, guys.

Yeah.

It's not my birthday, though.

Huh?

It's not your birthday?

Nope.

No, dicks, it's my birthday.

What?

Are you kidding me?

No, I'm not kidding you.

Wait, wait a second.

Were you trying to get us to plan your surprise party?

Why wouldn't you just plan it yourself?

Well, that's lame.

I mean, this way I get my surprise party and I give you the satisfaction of doing something nice for somebody.

Oh, my God.

That is not doing something nice.

That is tricking us.

Son of a bitch.

Where's Duncan?

Where's Dunc...?

You should not be hanging out with Duncan.

You should not be associating people like that.

I'm saying, I don't care.

It's coming out of my mouth.

Those weird bridge people that are like...?

Yeah. All that, like, Hawwoowin lauow?

I knew it, I knew he couldn't say it.

Luau, luau.

Luau.

What is it, you know?

I mean, it's the weird...

Hello?

Hang on.

Oh, yeah.

What do we got going on over here, guys?

Okay, well, Charlie, when we thought it was your birthday, we went through your dream book and we tried to recreate some of the stuff we found in there.

Yes, that's... okay.

Um... denim chicken?

All: Yes!

Denim chicken.

Now I got to reroute the pig delivery.

Nobody gives a sh*t.

Okay.

And I'm assuming the teeth are fake, yes?

Yes, well, they're not real human teeth if that's what you're asking.

No, I mean, did you discover a bird with teeth in this fashion?

That does not exist in nature.

Okay.

I'm not sure about that.

But either way, good glue work.

Do any of you assholes want to know how old I am?

Whatever, Frank.

Nobody... Alright so...

So, Charlie, this is my favorite part.

We weren't quite sure what a worm hat was, right?

So we made a few of them.

This is the first one.

It's a hat made of worms, okay?

And then option number two is a hat that you put on and if you do that you look like maybe you're a worm.

Right...And then the third one... and this is the best one, Charlie... is a hat for your worm.

Oh, your teeny tiny little worm gets a teeny tiny little hat. If you want him to be fancy.

So which was is it? Which one were you talking about? Yeah, who's right?

Well, I don't recall every writing worm hat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was in your dream book. Your...

Oh...

(with German accent): "Wormhat."

Yeah, that's a German guy.

His name is Hans Wormhat.

He appears in my dreams.

He drive a biplane and he sh**t it at me and I run through a field.

You know what, you guys blow.

I'm gonna go find Duncan.

Go, go!

Go!

Guys, wow, the denim chicken, the bird with teeth, Wormhat's worm hat.

I mean, I don't know what to say, man.

This is just what I needed today.

Guess what, buddy?

There's one more thing.

Is that what I think it is?

That's a new rat stick, dude.

And you can bash up a whole bunch of rats with one quick strike, so it's more humane.

Yeah?

Oh, man.

Well, what do you...?

Oh, you like it?

What do you think?

(voice breaking): I love it.

I mean...

Ah.

I don't know what to say, 'cause no one's ever really, um...

I don't know what to say, guys.

You don't have to say anything, man.

Maybe I could give it a quick whirl around the basement and see if I can k*ll a couple rats.

Yeah, absolutely.

You've earned it.

You should, you should.

Go bash 'em up, buddy.

(Charlie laughing)

Whoo!

(all sigh)

What a life.