08x10 - Reynolds vs. Reynolds: The Cereal Defense

Charlie: Okay, but now you make a right-hand turn...

Frank: Make a right turn.

Okay, making a right.

You should pass three fuzzy poles with blinking lights.

Those are traffic signals.

Okay. All right, wait a minute, I haven't gotten there yet!

(Charlie on tape) And, great.

You should be making a left turn here.

There's no left!

You don't know where I am, tape.

This ain't working, Charlie.

This ain't working.

You should pass three fuzzy poles with blinking lights.

Those are traffic signals.

I passed the traffic signals!

(tape rewinds)

You should pass three... It's stuck!

Charlie, I need you here!

This tape isn't working.

(over radio): This is KPFN Public Radio.

(over radio) Today, on Do It Yourself Gardening: composting.

I'm sure many of you are wondering what composting involves.

(tires squealing)

You should pass three fuzzy poles with blinking lights.

Hate those poles and the blinking lights!

(over radio): Make sure your compost pile gets plenty of air.

Now...

Dennis: Oh Sandra... you dumb bitch.

(tires screech, metal crunches)

Wha...?

Mac: Charlie, what is so hard to understand?

I believe that if I inseminated the right woman, our seed could potentially-- through an X-Men-type genetic mutation-- create a son capable of bending steel.

Sweet Dee: Uh-uh.

Charlie: That's completely insane.

Do you understand genetic mutations at all?

Do you hear what you're saying?

I didn't cause any damages, Dennis.

Yeah, not to the exterior of my car, but to the interior of my car.

My interior is ruined.

Guys, so, I'm sitting at a red light, at a dead stop, and Frank rams into me.

Out of nowhere!

And now he's saying he's not gonna pay for the damages.

I mean, did you know that the man cannot see?

I can see! I got glasses.

I just need new lenses.

The lenses are what make the glasses work, Frank!

If you were driving around without the use of sight, then that is completely irresponsible, and you need to pay for the damages.

Yeah.

None of the damages were my fault.

Well, it sounds like all of the damages were your fault.

I mean, Frank, how are we even talking about this?

Yeah, if you rammed into... He ran directly into somebody else.

Dennis was eating a bowl of cereal.

What?

He was eating a bowl of cereal when I hit him, and it spilled all over the interior, and those are the only damages to the car.

You were eating a... bowl of cereal?

Yes.

While you were driving?

Yes. It's not that crazy.

That's not what this is about.

Well, it's a little bit about that.

Yeah, there's a high spill factor if you're driving...

Actually, it's a lot about that.

(stammers): Come on, I don't have to justify myself to you!

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna take you to court.

Fine. Fine.

Nobody needs to go to court here.

There's no reason we can't settle this ourselves, like civilized adults.

No, we can't, Dee, so I'm gonna take him to court, I'm gonna sue him, and I'm gonna win.

Dennis, you don't want to go anywhere near a court.

How many bench warrants for sexual misconduct do you have?

(Dennis exhales slowly)

I-I probably have... yeah.

Yeah. And, Frank, how many unregistered guns are in your car right now?

A lot.

Ooh, I like where you're headed with this, Dee, and, uh, if I may, I think what you're proposing is that we handle this little matter... internally.

(indistinct conversation)

Okay, uh, okay okay okay.

I'd like to begin with my opening statement, uh, if I could.

First off, uh, who is the defendant in this matter?

That's not a statement.

All right, well, irregardless, uh, I would like to know, as Frank's lawyer, who I am persecuting or who I'm defending.

Yeah. Prosecuting.

Okay, let me just nip this whole thing in the bud right now.

Stop treating this like it's a trial, and like this is a courtroom.

Yeah, but the tables.

Yeah, but I was against that, too, okay?

Let's just present the facts to each other, and then let's decide as a majority who's in the right.

That being said, Frank would be the defendant.

I'm not the defendant.

No, that implies that I am guilty.

He's right.

If anyone's ever accused of anything, I automatically assume they're guilty.

You do, right?

I'm gonna make you the defendant.

Okay, and I'll make Frank the defendant, and then we'll split it up after.

You're the defendant.

You aren't prosecuting him!

I'm finished! I'm finished.

Where have you been for the last three hours?

I have been making... this.

What the hell is that?

It's the Trial Meter.

It shows how we each feel throughout the trial.

Yeah, I made little gavels with our names on it, and we can move them accordingly.

And at the end, whoever has the most gavels on their side wins.

It took you three hours to make that?

Yeah.

Mac, let me tell you something.

Nobody is gonna want to use that because it's so stupid.

We are dealing with a serious issue here.

You imbecile!

Don't be an imbecile.

Okay, my property is at stake.

What are you doing?

W-Well, don't do that.

Look, okay, not that we're using this stupid thing, but don't start doing that because you're gonna...

I like what he did there.

I'm gonna go ahead and move my guy.

Why? Why? We haven't presented any facts yet.

Yeah, okay.

Well, don't everybody start moving their gavels over to the side, we haven't even... well, good, at least you have the common sense to be on my side.

Well, as your representative in this matter, I didn't have much of a choice.

My hands were tied.

N-N-No. No, no.

You're not... you're not my representative.

I will be talking for myself.

This is an open and shut case, and anybody who can't see that (shouts) is a savage and an idiot!

Okay, uh, I would like a five with my client, please.

Oh, you want a five, counselor?

I'd like to take a five, yes.

All right, I'll allow it.

Stop talking like this is a goddamn courtroom, please.

Oh, I'm the judge!

No, you're not.

Can I be the bailiff?

You are not anything!

I'll allow it.

No one is anything!

(shouts): I will scratch everybody's eyes out of their sockets!

Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished collies, uh, my client Frank here isn't really on trial today, you know.

Common sense is on trial.

And, well, common sense would tell you that eating a bowl of cereal while operating a car is, well, it's-it's reckless.

It's moronic.

One might even call it... donkey-brained.

Donkey-brained?

Uh, it means to have the brains of a donkey or a donkey-type creature.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think I know what it means, guy.

But if anything, it's not donkey-brained to drive around with a bowl of cereal, it's donkey-brained to drive around without the use of your vision.

Oh. That's interesting.

So you do admit that someone who makes foolish decisions could be considered donkey-brained?

Uh... sure. Yeah, okay, fine.

I'll take it.

All right.

Uh, now, Frank, if I'm correct, when you were a boy you were admitted into a... mental institution.

Is this correct?

That's correct.

But soon after, it was discovered that I wasn't mentally disabled, so they let me go.

And, they let me go with the proper paperwork, clearing me of everything.

I would like to add into evidence Article 1.

Uh, Mac, will you please read this document?

Mm-hmm.

"By the power of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, Reed Mental Institution hereby decrees Frank Reynolds to not have... donkey brains."

What?

What? That is an official document that says "donkey brain" on it?

Well, it's written right here in plain English.

Frank, would you like to clear this up for everybody?

Well... all the kids in the neighborhood knew I got sent upstate, so they started calling me "Frankie Donkey Brains," and it was very traumatic.

So I got my mommy to drive me back up to the loony bin, where they signed this official certificate exonerating me of all donkey brains.

Yeah, great. What does this have to do with anything?

Uh, well, Dennis, if by your own admission someone who has donkey brains could be considered reckless or moronic or idiotic, and my client Frank here has a state-issued certificate clearing him of having said donkey brains, then I ask you this: do you have any such certificate?

What?

Well, we don't want a donkey on the road eating cereal.

We know Frank's not a donkey.

How do we know you're not a donkey-brained man?

Why would I have a certificate?

You don't have a certificate?

N-N-No, the burden of proof is not on me.

The defendant will answer the question.

The defendant?

I'm not the defendant!

Just answer the question.

No.

No further questions.

Oh!

You got to be kidding be.

Because of that?!

You don't have a certificate.

I mean, you know, what else are we supposed to... What in the...?!

You may have donkey brains.

I don't know.

No one can prove that they're not donkey-brained except for him.

I just... I wish you had a certificate.

Oh, bullshit!

Frank... would you like a glass of wine?

Yeah, all right.

Huh? Why not have a glass of wine?

I mean, after all... Oh!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

You can't do that!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, whoopsie, whoopsie.

See, I bashed into Frank while he was at a dead stop.

That's completely my fault, Frank.

I will pay for all the damages to your shirt.

Case closed.

Oh, well, when you put it like that, you got me.

You know, I'm on Dennis's side now-- he just convinced me.

Uh, hold-hold on one second though, Charlie.

It occurs to me that Frank assumed responsibility for a potential spill the second he took the wine.

Yeah, he's right.

I knew the risk.

So in this circumstance, it would appear that Frank is at fault.

And therefore in the car, Dennis is at fault.

I am on Frank's side.

Case closed.

I pushed... I mean, I pushed him!

Boom! You nailed it.

You know what?

Mac just made the most credible argument of all.

Hold on a second!

Hold on, Charlie. Credibility?

You're interested in credibility?

I would like to call my next witness: Mac.

So, Mac, you seem to be pretty locked into Frank's side at this point, right?

And your opinion, it carries a lot of weight around here, doesn't it?

Oh, absolutely.

I'm a tastemaker around here.

Pretty much what I say goes.

And I've decided that Frank is the winner.

Yeah. And, Charlie, you find Mac's arguments to be fairly credible and convincing?

I do. Yeah, he makes a lot of good points.

He's a good judge, and... he's an even better bailiff.

So if you find Mac's arguments to be so credible, why is it that you disagree on the subject of superhumans?

But we don't... (bell tolls)

What? What does this have to do with the case?

Well, Mac, if your character isn't credible, then are your arguments?

Strike this line of questioning from the record, please.

Uh, overruled.

Let her continue.

Mac, do you or do you not believe that you could create a superhuman race of strongmen through genetic mutation and evolution?

What difference does that make?

If you believe something that insane, then how could you be our tastemaker?

How could we believe anything that you have to say?

I'm gonna ask you one more time: do you or do you not believe that you can create a superhuman race of strongmen through genetic mutation and evolution?

(drumroll)

Uh, no.

That's ridiculous, Dee.

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

You were just... you were just telling Charlie this morning all about the... "Oh, have you seen X-Men?" and "My seed," and...

Well, I was joking with Charlie.

(chuckles)

That could never happen in the real world, Dee.

That's, like, a comic book thing.

He's credible! He's credible.

I win this case.

It's an open and shut case.

sh1t, Dennis, that was...

Wait-wait-wait a minute.

Mac, why don't you believe that?

Huh?

Well, I'm just wondering.

Why don't you believe that you could pass down a gene that would eventually evolve into a race of supermen?

Why?

Well, that's a silly question.

Because evolution doesn't exist, of course.

I'm sorry?

Oh, could you repeat that again for the room?

Because evolution is bullshit-- it's not real.

Goddamn it! Recess!


What? What? What? What?

You got to sway Charlie.

You got to make yourself credible again.

What did I do?

We got to stop with this-- your insane, crazy beliefs.

You got to tell them that you believe in evolution.

Oh, come on, Frank.

That's ridiculous.

We got to get Charlie to stop thinking you're a lunatic.

Look, Deandra's gonna side with Dennis-- that's a given.

You want me to win?

Okay, Frank, for you, I will make myself credible in Charlie's eyes again, so you can win.

Just give me 15 minutes.

I'm finished, guys!

Jesus Christ.

I'm finished.

Now, this is all about making myself credible in your eyes again, and I'm gonna do that by admitting that evolution... is a lie!

God damn you, Mac!

Yes, please do, Mac.

Now, as you can see, this is the Evolution Meter.

And I've put God, the creator of everything, on the right side.

And evolution... on the left.

I went ahead and put you guys all on the fence, 'cause of course you're gonna... Actually, no.

Let's start where I would start.

No matter. I'm righteous.

I'm not gonna stand here, present some egghead scientific argument based on fact.

I'm just a regular dude.

I like to drink beer.

You know, I love my family.

Rock, flag, and eagle, right, Charlie?

He's got a point.

No, he doesn't.

What?

See, Charlie?

These liberals are trying to assassinate my character.

And I can't change their mind.

I won't change my mind, 'cause I don't have to.

'Cause I'm an American.

I won't change my mind on anything, regardless of the facts that are set out before me.

I'm dug in, and I'll never change.

Mac, look.

You're wasting our time.

You're not gonna get us to not believe in evolution.

And why is that?

Because the smartest scientists in the entire world all agree that it's real.

I'm glad you brought that up, because, Mr. Reynolds, science... is a liar sometimes.

(bell tolls)

Oh, boy.

This... is Aristotle.

Thought to be the smartest man on the planet.

He believed that the Earth was the center of the universe, and everybody believed him, because he was so smart.

Until another smartest guy came around, Galileo, and he disproved that theory, making Aristotle and everybody else on Earth look like a... bitch.

(bell tolls)

'Course, Galileo then thought comets were an optical illusion, and there was no way that the moon could cause the ocean's tides.

Everybody believed that because he was so smart.

He was also wrong, making him and everyone else on Earth look like a bitch again.

And then, best of all... Sir Isaac Newton gets born, and blows everybody's nips off with his big brains.

'Course, he also thought he could turn metal into gold, and died eating mercury, making him yet another stupid... bitch!

(drums sound)

Are you seeing a pattern?

No.

Mr. Reynolds, these were all the smartest scientists on the planet.

Only problem is, they kept being wrong.

Sometimes.

(bell tolls)

This is insane, you fool.

I'm a fool because I have more faith in the saints that wrote the Bible?

Yeah, because you just read the words of a bunch of guys that you never met, and you just take it on faith that everything they wrote was true.

Hm.

And what makes you think what your scientists are writing is any more truer than my saints?

Because there are volumes of proven data.

Numbers. You know, figures.

Th-There are fossil records.

Oh, fossil records.

Ah! I didn't even think about the fossil records.

I guess I'll concede.

Oh, wait, uh, one more thing before I do, Mr. Reynolds.

Have you seen these fossil records?

(bell tolls)

Have I... huh?

Have you pored through the data yourself?

The numbers? The figures?

Well, no. I'm-- no.

Oh.

Interesting.

So let me get this straight, Mr.

Reynolds.

You get your information from a book written by men you've never met.

And you take their words as truth, based on a willingness to believe, a desire to accept, a leap of... of, dare I say it?

(laughs)

Faith?

(bell tolls)

Come on, come on.

Look, I mean-- I don't even know how I'm supposed to respond to that.

(bell tolls)

Like... oh, come on.

That is a... that's a false equivalency.

(bell tolls)

Just answer the question, Mr.

Reynolds.

Sure. Yeah, okay.

I rest my case.

Well, that got me.

Frank, do you want to, uh... Put me over.

Yeah, all right.

What?

Well, we're going on the fence.

I mean, that's a shadow of a doubt.

You actually don't believe in evolution anymore?

I don't know.

He created a reasonable doubt.

He makes you sound like a stupid, uh, science bitch.

Yeah, he got you good.

Eh... oh, my God.

(talking over each other)

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What-What are we even talking about?

How did we get on evolution?

This is not about evolution.

Well, it became about that when you attacked Mac's character.

Yeah, like they did in the O.J. trial to that hero cop, Mark Fuhrman.

Right!

Okay, let's just get back on track here.

I would like to make my closing arguments.

N-No, no, no, no, no.

This has gone on long enough.

And by the way, Dee, why the hell do you give a sh1t about any of this, anyway?

You don't know?

You can't think of why I might like to set a precedent of responsibility for when someone's car gets destroyed?

No.

Anybody else? Anybody?

I... I can't really think of anything.

Can you think of anything?

I'm blank.

Not ringing a bell for me.

You guys have destroyed every single car that I have ever owned!

And we've never had so much as a conversation about it, much less a trial.

A whole trial!

Are you making that up?

Isn't this... What is she talking about?

Are you sure that happened?

Oh, you sons of bitches.

Oh, you goddamn sons of bitches!

I am going to destroy everything you own!

Ooh.

'Kay, you know what?

I'm gonna end this.

I'm gonna end this!

Oh!

I still vote for Dennis.

All right, well, I'm still for Frank.

Yeah.

And I am actually gonna go to the fence.

What?

God.

Oh, goddamn it!

We're nowhere with this.

All right, okay, guys, settle down.

I think if we've learned anything today, it's that, you know, we can't just take things based on faith.

Only seeing is believing, right?

Let's take this to the streets.

Thanks, guys.

Yeah, man. No worries.

Have a good one.

See you later.

Have a nice day.

Bye bye.

Okay, here's the deal.

Dennis, if you can drive to your apartment and back without spilling a single drop, Dee, your precedent is set, and Frank, you pay for everything.

Fine.

Good.

Okay, and Frank, if you can drive to our place and back without getting in an accident with me giving you directions, you can continue to drive as long as I'm in the car with you.

Deal!

All right.

On your mark. Get set. Go!

Did he say it was a race?

No.

Why are they running?

I have no idea.

All right, steady.

Steady as she goes.

I'm going straight.

Beautiful.

No, beautiful stuff.

This is the best.

Yeah. Dee, uh, please prepare me a bowl of cereal.

Yup.

What are you doing?

We got to see for ourselves how reckless this is.

And you hold it in one hand and drive with the other.

Interesting.

Yeah, I know.

Pretty mind-blowing stuff, isn't it?

Then I stop at a stoplight, and, once I'm stopped, and everything is safe... take a bite.

All right, here we go.

(mumbling): Hold on.

Make a... make a left right there.

Make a what?

Uh-huh. Go left.

Make a left.

Right.

Right?

No!

Make up your mind!

Deandra, shut up!

Well, dude, now that we're alone, you can admit it.

I mean, I swayed you on evolution a little bit, right?

Well, I... (crunch)

Ah!

That's crazy! That is insane!

How do you hit me again?

It was Deandra's fault.

What?

She gave me the wrong directions.

This way, that way!

Guys, it was actually pretty cut and dried.

It was Dee's fault.

I was trying to give directions and she interrupted me.

***

***

This is your fault?

This is perfect.

Guys, we were all here to witness it.

It was Dee's fault, she'll pay for the damages.

Absolutely. She should, yeah.

That's it.

Don't you dare.

No, it was-- oh, you know, I have an idea.

Should we have a trial?

Me and Charlie?

Kind of just had a trial.

Too many trials.

Can't have a trial for every person.

Let's just have her pay for it and be done with this.

All right, that's it.

N-no, no, no!

What are you-- no, because Charlie was giving the-- I was only--

Goddammit!