01x07 - May the Best Friend Win

[bunniefuu]

And we are officially out of here.

Ladies of New York, get ready for the return of the benjinator and the tuckatron.

( Chuckles )

Oh, do you hear that?

That's the sound of two million women rolling their eyes.

Do not underestimate us.

Alone we're impressive, but together, we're a force to be reckoned with.

Yeah. So are the girl scouts.

But have a good time. I am all set.

I have enough popcorn and reality TV to last me until Emma goes to college.

Hey, thanks for staying.

We haven't had a real bro night since Emma showed up.

Yeah.

Kids have a way of just sucking the life out of you.

( Scoffs )

All right, ready?

Teeth.

Nose.

Breath.

( Sniffs )

Ready.

Let's do this.

( Laughing )

Oh my God, how much...

Shh!

Oh, sorry. Emma. Right.

No, not Emma.

Mom.

( Chuckling )

Sweet. The return of fu mom-chu.

( Laughs )

Picture?

Yeah.

( Shutter clicks )

( Laughing )

Good night?

Oh my God. The best, man.

One of the bouncer's cousin's boyfriend's sister's works with Ben.

Okay? So we pretty much sailed right in.

( Laughing )

The place was wall to wall.

I lost Tucker for, like, 40 minutes Kinda handsy.

But it was so worth it 'cause they dropped me right in front of this crazy hot girl.

( Chuckles )

Oh. I have not heard these details.

Oh, dude. She thought I was hilarious.

Of course.

Listen, she just moved here from L.A.

Man, long dark hair, just gorgeous smile, her name was...

Ava?

Yeah.

Wait, how did you know...

I'm going out with her tomorrow night.

( Theme music playing )

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change directions. ♪

Wait, so you actually made a date with Ava?

( Chuckles ) Well, not an actual date, but she said I should call her.

And I'm pretty sure it's not to see if her phone works.

Okay. I know I just met her, but I feel like I can speak for her.

Okay.

She was not into you.

Then let's hope I don't get my heart broken when I call her.

Which she asked me to do.

Okay?

Okay.

You are not calling my girl, okay?

Hey!

No one is calling anyone.

( Snoring )

But I didn't even bring my swimsuit.

No one is calling anyone.

Learn from my mistakes.

When I played in calgary, I fought over a girl with one of my teammates.

Sure. I got the girl, but I lost the guy.

Then I lost the girl, too.

Then I lost my phone.

It was a really bad week.

You're right. I get it.

Tucker, what do you say?

Fine.

Neither of us will call her.

Agreed?

Agreed.

Agreed?

I said agreed.

I'm up!

What did I miss?

You fu mom-chued me, didn't you?

Ben: Mom?

Were you on my computer last night?

Oh, yeah, honey.

And you know what? You should really make a habit of erasing your history.

You never know who's gonna be snooping around.

That's excellent advice, hotbon79. ( Chuckles )

Is this your online dating profile?

Yes. Yes, it is.

And there is nothing to be ashamed of.

I have nothing to hide.

It says you're a widow.

Yeah, well, your father's kind of dead to me.

( Chuckles )

And for age, you said that you're... aah!

You listen up, little miss, you ain't gonna look like that forever.

Yeah, you heard me. Enjoy those while they're up high.

This is how online dating works, okay?

Everybody lies.

It's like the weight on your driver's license.

It's more of a suggestion.

So I would appreciate a little support while I am trying to restart my life.

My life is officially over.

Mine too.

Mom, robe.

Oh, God. Sorry.

The rangers are having a big media day, and the front office wants me to give some kind of speech.

Oh, how fun.

Have you seen Danny on camera?

He looks like the deer after it got hit by that car.

( Chuckles )

I'm not doing it.

Could you people possibly be less supportive?

Yeah, but it's early. I'm still waking up.

Hey.

Wheeler, relax.

You make people bleed for a living, I'm pretty sure you can handle a little public speaking.

Crushing bones, easy.

Putting words one after another, no thank you.

Okay, well, then let me help you.

I just took this mock trial seminar, and I was pretty much the star of the class.

I'm not out of order. You're out of order!

This whole system is out of order!

You just made that up?

See, I could never do that.

But you can.

I just wish you could see yourself the way that I see you.

How do you see me exactly?

You're an amazing, loving, big-hearted guy who's passionate about everything that he does.

That's me. Full of passion.

We just need to hunker down together.

Fortunately, I'm an excellent hunkerer.

Okay, then it's perfect.

It's time you stopped holding back.

I was just thinking the same thing.

Then it's a date.

I won't let you down.

What was that all about?

Riley just had a few ideas for me.

Yeah. It looked like you had a few ideas for her too.

What?

No. No ideas.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Look at me and tell me that you don't have a crush on fatpants.

I can't.

Why not?

Your robe.

Oh, God, sorry.

Oh, no, no, no, honey.

I know you like daddy's phone, but the last time yov baby dialed someone, the police showed up.

Look, you almost called Ava.

You almost called Ava.

Tucker!

Tuck?

Okay, here's daddy's phone.

Okay?

If you just hit right here, okay? Right...

Hold on, right here.

If you just, uh, okay... right here.

No, Emma. Focus.

Okay? Just... just right there.

( Phone beeps )

Yes!

( Phone ringing )

Ava: Hello?

( Mouths words )

Ben? Is anybody there?

Hello?

( Phone beeps )

Oh, please please please please please please.

( Phone vibrates )

Ben: It seems we have a call.

Hello?

Ava?

( Laughing )

Oh, yeah. So nice of you to call.

( Mouths "thank you" )

( Laughing )

Ben: What's up?

Well, you're definitely not the first guy to ask me to meet him at a bar, but you are the first guy I feel like I should tip.

I don't usually do this, but it happens to be bring your date to work day.

Plus, I was already on my way here when you called me.

When you called me.

When Emma... it's not important. ( Chuckles )

So, what do you think of New York so far?

I like it.

Great energy, good food...

Cute guys.

Been talking to a lot of those?

I'm not gonna tell you all my secrets.

Unless you make me another one of these.

I'll be right back.

( Phone buzzing )

Ava, your phone.

Hello, Tucker.

I didn't call her. I texted her.

And then she texted me back to call her.

So technically, I was returning her text.

That is not what we agreed.

I at least have the decency to have Emma call for me.

Oh.

( Stammering )

I want you to know that this is not over, okay?

You have not won.

I am calling Ava, and we are going out.

She can compare and contrast all she wants, I ain't got no issues.

You're really willing to go up against this?

Fine. May the best man win.

Best man? Oh, then that'll definitely be you at my and Ava's wedding.

Oh.

Wear something nice.

This is Riley perrin, hairbrush news network.

I'm thrilled to be talking with New York ranger, Danny Wheeler. Danny?

Tell me what it's like to be a part of this exciting team.

Well, the thing is...

Uh...

I don't know what you want me to say.

Okay. Too advanced.

Um. We'll start with the basics.

Stand up.

We'll do a little deep breathing to focus us.

All right? Deep breath.

( Breathes in )

No, no, no, here.

From your diaphragm.

Wow. Do you grate cheese on this thing?

( Chuckles )

Here.

Feel how I'm doing it.

Comfortable?

Very.

( Inhaling )

Whoa.

Wheeler, you okay?

You got all slack-jawed there for a minute.

Let's try not to drool on me.

Focus.

Your son is an idiot.

Really gonna have to narrow it down.

Ben?

Where are my pants?

Which ones?

All of them.

Oh, I might've run a few things down to the laundromat.

I'm meeting Ava in 20 minutes.

Ooh. Argh. ( Chuckles )

That could be awkward.

Say "hi" for me.

Hey, man. She gonna see me without pants sooner or later.

You're just saving me some time.

Oh, hi, honey.

( Groans )

( Sighs )

( Blows raspberry )

Maybe it's that mother-child bond finally kicking in, but I'm getting the sense you want to talk.

It's Riley. You were right.

I do like her. I've always liked her.

Oh, I knew it!

Oh, wait. So is that what you guys were doing every day up in your room after school?

"Get out, mom. We're studying."

Nothing has ever happened.

She doesn't even know.

Though I did just try to kiss her.

Oh my God! I just tried to kiss Riley.

What's wrong with me?

Well, apparently you're a boy in love.

But I don't want to be.

Or... I want her to be.

Yeah, that's better.

Her in love with me. That's what I want.

Well, I'm sorry, honey, but you can't make somebody fall in love with you.

No matter how hard you try.

If you could, my name would be Bonnie bon jovi, and I'd be floating in a hot tub, topless right now, so... mom.

Oh.

What am I supposed to do?

Well, be grateful that you have a friend as devoted and caring as Riley.

Oh, hey, man.

Borrowing these. Hope you don't mind.

Tuckeokay?

Got a date to get to, you... oh my God!

Trust me, Danny. Good friends are hard to find.

However, stupid ones are lying all over the place.

( Door opens )

Going somewhere?

Yeah, as soon as my mom gets here, I was... hoping to meet Ava down at the club?

I heard she was gonna be there, too.

Dude, come on.

It's gonna get really weird if we both show.

Oh, well, fortunately that's not gonna happen.

( Chuckles ) Because your mom's at the cell phone store replacing her battery that mysteriously disappeared.

Oh. Oh.

You'll never get away with this.

Oh, I believe I just did.

Excuse me. ( Chuckles )

Oh.

Forgot my lip balm.

Definitely gonna need this.

( Door closes )

( Dance music playing )

You're a really good dancer.

I just needed some inspiration.

What?

Inspiration.

Yeah, me too. It's pretty hot in here.

Ava, hey.

Ben.

What a surprise. You want to get something to drink?

I'm kind of with somebody.

Oh, sorry. I didn't see him there.

Ben, Tucker. Tucker, Ben.

Both: Hey, what's up, man?

Where's Emma?

I got it covered.

What you think, Emma?

This guy look 21?

Do you two know each other?

No.

Never seen him before.

Okay, well, I guess I'll talk to you some other time.

Right. Yeah.

Another time.

Run along now. ( Chuckles )

Wow. He's really good.

Ava.

Ava, wait.

Okay, that was just full on weird.

Here's the truth.

We're roommates.

We don't have to be.

So don't let that stand in the way of you and me fulfilling our destiny.

Dating two guys was already a little out of my comfort zone.

But, roommates?

I don't think so.

Wait.

We weren't trying to lie to you.

It's just, we both think you're pretty special.

And obviously worth fighting for.

Look, there's no reason that one of us shouldn't at least get to know you better.

If that's cool with you.

You guys want me to choose?

Right now?

Are you sure?

Don't worry. He's tough.

He can take it.

I guess I pick Tucker.

Ha! In your... what?! do not need to have this conversation.

I'm cool.

She picked you. Winner, loser.

I get it.

Don't understand it. But I get it.

I just wanted to make sure if you were okay if Ava came by the apartment later.

No issues whatsoever.

Mainly because I'll be at Danny's press conference.

Oh, and lucky you... mom will have Emma, so the place is totally yours.

What is your problem?

I thought you said you were cool with this.

I am cool.

This is me being cool.

Would you mind if I borrowed some of that new cologne...

I'm not that cool.

Wheeler?

Wow. You look amazing.

What do you think?

Does this say sports professional?

That, or superhero in disguise.

You're gonna be so great.

Thanks.

And, Riley, I don't know if I've ever said this before...

I'm really grateful to have you in my life.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

Aw.

Then let's hope you never have to find out.

( Chuckles )

Hey, am I late? Did I miss anything?

Hey, perfect timing.

I think he's up next.

Next?

Oh! Is it hot in here?

I think I'm gonna sit down.

You're gonna be fine.

Where's Tucker?

Where do you think he is?

Busy starring in "the Tucker show."

You invited him like I asked you to?

No.

It's not like he'd come anyways.

He's too busy with Ava.

Dude. What is the matter with you?

This is exactly what I told you would happen.

You guys are a team.

And being on a team means you have each other's back.

That no matter how you're playing, someone's always there to celebrate your wins and avenge your losses.

Without a team, you're just some loser out there alone on the ice.

And that's not how you play hockey.

Or life.

Go rangers.

Yeah.

Yeah. Go rangers!

Woo.

Oh my God. Danny, you were amazing.

You did it.

I did?

Yeah.

I did. Thank you.

ReporteWheeler, over here.

Yeah.

Well, that was rousing.

I'll say.

Just like we practiced.

( Chuckles )

I should go.

I feel like I've been playing goalie against my own team.

Oh, what? He's the only one who can use sports analogies? Pfft!

( Knocks on door )

Ben? Did you forget your key?

I didn't want to barge in on whatever might or might not be happening.

I just wanted to tell you that you deserve a great girl and an even better friend.

Thanks, man.

But about that.

( Mouths words )

Okay.

That girl is crazy. You have got to help me, man!

She has not stopped talking since she got here.

I think I am deaf in one ear.

All right, here's what we'll do.

We just have to turn her off of you... oh, please. Like that's possible.

Felon. g*n nut.

Head lice.

( Elevator dings )

Cult.

Hey, guys.

Danny?

Sold.

Everything good out here?

Oh, it's about to be.

Okay, come here. Okay.

Ava, hey. This is Ben's brother, Danny Wheeler. New York ranger.

Oh my God, I love hockey!

I could talk about it for hours.

I figured. Okay.

Okay, yeah.

If you could just keep her company while we go run out for more... beer?

Beer sounds great.

Sure, no problem.

( Sighs )

Thank you, man.

That was genius.

Hey, man. I always got your back.

One thing Ava was right about... that dance off was weird.

Oh, you are...

Which fyi was two of my nicknames in high school.

I'm a 40-and-fab city gal who's living with early onset grandmahood.

Divorced, oh yeah.

Unemployed? Not if you count how I work it.

I like... I like fondue.

Anytime you can dip food in other food, that's game on.

If you're man enough to take this on, contact hotbon79.

Also, you need to be this tall to ride this ride.

Daddy's got a lot to learn.

First thing on the list, don't forget the baby.