02x01 - I'm Not That Guy

[bunniefuu]

Danny: What's wrong with you.

Tucker: Nothing is wrong with me, man.

Dude, just let it go.

No, I'm not letting it go.

Look, all I'm saying is if you're gonna bring home a supermodel, you should make sure you have one for everyone.

Milena and I just started dating.

I don't even know if she has any other supermodel friends.

Dude, everyone knows they travel in packs, man.

Look, all I need to do is just peel a slow one off the herd.

Wait, guys.

I think Emma just said her first words.

Really?

What'd she say?

She said, "Shut up already!"

We've been listening to this whining for the last 20 minutes.

Danny, can't you help Tucker out?

Come on.

( Mouths )

Okay, fine.

Yes!

Thank you, Emma.

Hey, I cannot believe you're not trying to get in on this.

I think I've just got different priorities these days.

I want someone special. Someone who gets me.

I guess I'm looking for--

Hey, Riley.

Oh, hi.

( Theme music playing )

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change directions. ♪

Making pancakes, huh?

Blueberry banana.

Remind me again whose favorite those are?

No idea.

Are you actually making blueberry banana?

Those are my absolute favorite.

They are? Really?

That is so-- what?

Okay, what's going on?

You told me just the other day that you were completely over Ben.

Yeah, well, that was the other day.

So, keep up.

I thought I was, but then we were at Katie and Dave's wedding and we were dancing on the roof.

I don't know, for the first time I just felt a real connection.

Did something actually happen?

No, but...

Come on. I've been able to manufacture a whole 10-year relationship in my head based on nothing.

So imagine what I can do with a few soulful glances.

Hey, have you guys seen this website that Katie and Dave put up?

Everyone's posting links and pictures.

Dammit, if I even look good doing the electric slide.

Did you see that? That is-- I told you.

Wow, Riles.

I think you'd totally win the award for cutest bridesmaid.

Please tell me I'm not really watching you hit on Riley.

I can't help it.

I think--

I think I might really like her. I don't know.

You lived across the street from her your entire life.

How could you not know?

She did shove me in my locker every day of fifth grade.

But we danced together on the roof at the wedding and a part of me hasn't been able to stop thinking about her.

Which part?

All of them.

And they don't usually agree.

Is it insane to think that she could ever like me?

If she did, I'm sure she would have given you a sign.

Hey Ben, the law firm that I'm interning for is having this big party and we all get to bring dates.

If you're asking me, it's an unqualified "yes."

If that was just general information, have a great time.

I was asking.

I'd love to.

And that is what we call a sign.

Hey, you sure about this?

I mean, I just don't want you to get hurt.

I know he's my brother and I love him, but it's Ben.

I know, I know.

But I really feel like he's changing.

You know, he's not "that guy" anymore.

Oh oh oh, Ben!

Ben, you gotta come look at this.

Somebody posted you on "he said he'd call" dot com.

"He said he'd call" dot com?

That's this website where women post the names of jerks who say they'll call, but don't.

Ben.

There is no reason I should be on that website.

Susie Kettle.

Oh, maybe.

Wait, Susie Kettle?

Bridesmaid Susie Kettle?

Yeah, most likely that Susie Kettle.

But nothing happened.

I was just all, "Hey, Sus, nice catching up.

Maybe I'll call you sometime."

Yeah, was that before or after you were making out with her on the dance floor?

Possibly after.

You made out with Susie at the wedding?

Just a little--

Girl, we had to get the hose.

But you said you'd call her?

Well, yeah.

And did you?

Well, no.

Oh my God, Ben.

What is wrong with you?

I truly don't know.

You are that guy.

That guy that every girl is warned about but every woman thinks that she can change.

And I swear, I've known you my whole life but I have no idea who you are.

I mean, who raised you?

Morning, boys.

Grandma in the house.

And I need 20 bucks for the cab driver.

He didn't go for my flirty face.

Hey, Riley. Trust me.

I'm not that guy.

Ben, you are the cover boy of "That Guy Quarterly."

And I know because I subscribe.

What's wrong?

Your son is selfish and immature and has no respect for women.

In related news, the sun came up and the sky is blue.

Ooh. Pancakes.

Okay, Emma.

Are you ready to be Grandma's wingbaby?

I have decided that today is the day I am finally gonna talk to the hottest guy this side--

♪ Hello. ♪

There he is.

Now remember, I get the one who's potty-trained.

Did you see that look?

Oh.

Why did I only shave up to my knees this morning?

Now watch and learn, Emma.

First impressions are everything.

Excuse me, is this seat available?

Sure is.

Just like the woman sitting across from it.

What is wrong with you?

You're jumping every time somebody walks in the door.

I called Susie and invited her to come by the bar.

Oh, excellent.

A little pedal to the Kettle.

( Chuckles )

No no. I don't want to go out with her.

I just really want to get off that website.

So you thought making her come across town on her lunch hour to be dumped a second time would do it?

No, but a little Wheeler charm and a free Caesar salad just might.

I think you're overestimating the food here.

Hey, can I get another one of these?

Yeah.

And a side of what Danny's having.

And this is how we say good-bye in Russian.

And this is how we say "I'll call you later" in American.

So?

Did you talk about me? What'd she say?

She said yes.

It's a double date tomorrow night.

Yes! Tucker is in the game.

Oh, yeah!

Hey, Riles.

Riley. What are you doing here?

Not here to see you. I'm just looking for Danny.

Hey, so about your party tomorrow night.

Oh, you know what? Don't even worry about it.

I got it covered.

So can I get a glass of water?

Or do you need to make out with someone first?

So, you're completely over Riley, right?

Riley?

Yeah, totally.

So over her. Just a stupid crush.

Hey, Wheeler.

Any chance I can talk you into being my date tomorrow night?

Yeah, totally. That'd be fun.

What? Oh no.

Uh-uh. You are not about to dethrone the king of cool.

Did you see those moves? No!

Oh, hey.

Sue Sue Susie-o.

It's so good to see you you you-io.

Not my standard greeting. Come over here.

So much quieter.

( Cars honking )

Look, I'm really sorry I hadn't called before today.

I've just been swamped.

Work, baby.

Crazy hectic life of a single father.

You want off that website, try this.

Tell me the truth.

What happened that night?

Let me help you.

We were dancing and having a great time.

And then you kissed me and said we should get together.

And then you went up to the roof to get some air, and I never heard from you again.

I remember.

So why didn't you call, Ben?

Did you meet someone new?

Yeah, I kind of did meet someone new.

Or at least the girl I'd never really seen before.

And did you call her?

I'm working on it.

I just hope she answers.

Hey, can I ask you a question?

Just between us and be honest.

Oh, God, yeah.

The hair is definitely starting to look a little boy band-y.

No!

No.

I wanted to ask you something.

What do you think about Riley?

I think she's destroying any chance of me ever dating a supermodel, so not a huge fan.

More specifically, what do you think about Riley and me?

( Scoffs ) There's no Riley and-- wait.

You like Riley?

I think I do.

But I don't even know if she likes me.

That party would have been perfect.

We could have started where we left off.

Do you think there's any way we can convince Danny to back out?

Trust me. If there is, we'll find it.

Come on, just make up an excuse and I'll be there as her only option.

If that's not romantic, I don't know what is.

It's not like you want to go with her, right?

I mean, how many times have you told me that you have no feelings for her whatsoever?

Why would he ever tell you that?

Because he-- didn't.

( Mouthing )

You know, Riley's not just some random girl you can get and then forget.

She's my best friend.

And I'm not gonna let you hurt her just because you maybe might kinda have some feeling.

Once it's out there, it's out there forever.

You can't walk it back.

I'm not gonna hurt her.

I would never do that to Riley.

I just need to prove to her that I'm not that guy.

Danny, please.

Okay, fine.

Both: Yes.

Okay. Give me 10 minutes.

This will be amazing.

So it looks like we're back on.

You know these girls are really tall, right?

Perfect. ( Laughs )

Because I like a good climb.

Oh.

Danny, no.

I've already told everyone that I was bringing a date.

I've been all over the web mocking the other intern for bringing her brother. Danny--

Oh, hey Riley.

Hey.

Did Danny cancel on you?

Tough break.

What are you doing here?

Just brought my baby down to pick up my paycheck from my steady job.

But this isn't about me. This is about helping you find the perfect date for your party.

Oh, and in related news, I talked to Susie Kettle, and I'm off that website.

Ben.

I'd love to go with you.

Thanks for asking.

So, on a scale of one to 10, one being naked, how dressy?

Okay, fine.

You can go with me, but this party is a really big deal, okay?

So you can't screw it up being all...

Ben.

Ben-Ness in check.

I'm truly there just for you.

So it's a date?

Yeah.

I guess it kind of is.

Oh good. There you are.

Oh, hi Mom.

Not you. Emma.

We're meeting Marcus and his grandson in 20 minutes.

Wow, you look great, Mrs. Wheeler.

And I totally didn't mean to sound so surprised when I said that.

The only problem, I wore my stand-up jeans and my sit-down shoes.

Maybe I can find a comfortable place to lean.

So this guy's pretty special?

I think so.

I honestly don't know much about him other than the fact that he owns a chain of dry cleaners.

That's kind of the exciting part, you know?

Discovering who he is.

What he's passionate about.

So as it turns out, baking soda really isn't the miracle cleaner everyone thinks it is.

Breaking down enzymes isn't enough.

You need something that lifts.

Wow!

Who knew there were so many kinds of stains.

And those were just the greasy ones.

Don't even get me started on pet stains.

Oh, I promise.

But not to change the subject--

Oh my God, please do.

You know what's really hard to get out?

Wine stains.

I wish I had a wine stain to suck on right now.

Marcus, would you look at the time?

I don't have a watch on.

Neither do I. ( Chuckles )

But you know, I can just-- I can just feel...

Life passing me by.

So, you know what?

Ben will have a fit if I do not get Emma home soon.

So...

Are you okay?

I will be as soon as I cut myself out of these jeans.

I can't believe I have to find another place to have coffee.

Whoo.

Hey, Mom.

Best part of that date, leaving.

What are you doing back so soon?

I thought you were gonna have Emma tonight.

I feel like I did have Emma tonight.

( Chuckles )

I'm sorry.

Can you help me with this?

Yeah, sweetie.

You know, Ben.

I know that people accuse you of being immature, selfish, lazy--

Where are you going with this, Mom?

Well, I just see how hard you're working to change, and you're really not that guy anymore.

You're growing up to be an amazing young man and I just want you to know how proud I am of you.

Thanks, Mom.

You okay?

Just thinking about the first time I helped you tie your tie.

Christmas at Nana's?

Juvenile court.

There.

So handsome.

Now I just need a kiss from my other girl, and I'll be ready to go.

I really am sorry about your date, Mom.

I just can't believe I was so off my game.

I mean, normally, I have a sense about these things.

Mom?

Yeah, sweetie?

Is it just me, or does Emma look a little different?

Mom? Why am I standing here holding a black baby?!

You know what? Actually, Ben, that is a very good question.

Are you sure that she's not in there somewhere?

Mom, where's Emma?!

Well, obviously she's with Marcus.

Who should have no trouble getting her to sleep.

We must have accidentally switched the strollers.

I mean, it could happen to anyone.

I want my baby back. You call him.

Right. Right. I have his number in my phone.

Oh, see how smart you are?

Okay. Okay.

It's ringing.

( Cellphone rings )

Hello.

Marcus?

No, it's not Marcus!

You have his phone and his baby.

What's the matter with you?!

Why hasn't he called you back?

I might have given him a fake number.

Oh God.

Wait. Wait.

I have a card he gave me for one of his dry cleaners.

Okay. Okay. All right.

Um... uh...

Ah-ha.

( Emphatically ) Ah-ha.

I used it for gum.

So your mother brought home the wrong baby and now Emma is lost somewhere in Manhattan?

Ben, that is the lamest excuse I have ever heard.

You are so that guy.

( Sighs )

My date's just running a few minutes late.

Surgery.

He's a doctor.

♪ Super super supermodel ♪
♪ Tucker Tucker Tucker super. ♪

Dude, we talked about this.

You gotta keep it cool.

I'm like a sneeze.

I can't be contained.

( Phone buzzing )

It's Ben.

Do not answer that. I swear, don't.

What's up?

What do you mean "you can't go?"

Ben!

No. Do not.

I swear, I'm warning you, Danny.

I've got to go. Riley's alone.

Totally over her, huh?

Dude, what can I say?

She needs me.

Just tell them we'll reschedule. I promise.

Oh, I'll tell them.

♪ Tucker Tucker super. ♪

So Danny's still coming, right?

Oh, yeah yeah yeah. He'll be here, yeah.

But he said to just kick back, relax, and let Tucker do the climbing-- d-do the driving.

Where is he? Where's Marcus?

He said he'd be here 45 minutes ago.

I don't know, sweetie. I'm sure he'll be here any minute.

Bonnie.

Oh.

Emma.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, me too.

Yeah, but these things happen.

And you know, everyone is safe and sound.

Good as new.

Better than new, actually.

Emma had a stain on her blankie.

Is that where you were?

It was actually trickier than I first thought.

Since it was a combination--

We've got to go.

No, don't you leave me.

It was a combination of several different types.

And I had to treat...

Hey.

Danny, what are you doing here?

Ben called and said he wasn't sure if he could make it.

And I couldn't leave you standing here all alone.

My God, Danny.

You're truly just the sweetest thing ever.

I don't know what I did to deserve you.

Just keep being you.

So, should we hit the dance floor?

Show them some of our moves?

We could, but I didn't know you were coming.

Here you go.

Thanks.

Perfect. I could really use a drink.

Sorry, I don't have any change.

Oh, Danny, this is Fitch.

He really is a doctor and he's the brother of the other intern.

How crazy is that?

Danny's my oldest friend.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Yeah. Likewise.

So, do you want to head back out on the dance floor? Show the folks at home some more of those amazing moves?

Do you mind?

So you don't need me?

No, I think I'm good.

Then you go have fun.

I've actually got someone waiting for me.

( Slow music playing )

I'm here. I made it. Whoo!

You're a little late.

So what do you think, Emma?

How do I get to be that guy?

( Phone beeps, dialing )[/i]

Hey, Marcus.

Yeah, it's Bonnie Wheeler.

Yeah, I hope it's not too late, but, um, I was having a little trouble sleeping and...

I was just wondering if maybe you could help me out.

Yeah.

I think I might have gotten a coffee stain on my blouse earlier.

Uh-huh.

It was cotton.

Yep.

Oh, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

( Snoring )