02x04 - New Bonnie vs. Old Ben

[bunniefuu]

Twenty-eight. Ooh-hoo-hoo.

Twenty-nive. Oh, it burns.

Whew!

Thirty.

Hoo!

You are lucky she can't count, 'cause I'm pretty sure that was three.

Hey, don't hate, okay?

Emma is the perfect workout.

As she bulks up, so do I.

( Chuckles ) Okay.

Well, if your goal is to be able bench your own body weight, it looks like you're right on track.

Oh yeah! Gentlemen, the god of fun and irresponsible behavior is smiling down upon us.

Yeah, we got that when he dropped off your baby.

No. We're having a party!

Yes! Finally!

You've been promising me a party ever since I moved in here!

And it is gonna be epic.

Nobody throws a cooler, wilder, crazier party than we do.

What is wrong with you?

You know we can't have a party here after that last one.

I woke up in the alley.

I wanna wake up in the alley!

No, I meant "we can't," as in "that's what the large legal document nailed to our front door said."

If we have another party in this apartment, we are out.

The key word is "this apartment."

And the other key word is "key"...

( Jingles )

...as in this one to Apartment 4C!

Isn't it vacant?

Exactly.

And our dear, sweet landlord, sir hairy-back lazy-ass, has been leaving the key under the mat for prospective tenants.

So until somebody moves in-- which we will all make sure never happens-- we have ourselves a party space.

Both: Yes!

( Dings )

Mmm!

( Chuckles )

Hi, boys. Ooh! Is that the key to 4C?

Thanks.

Mom.

Wh-- what are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing? I'm moving in.

Oh, this is perfect!

Mom, I don't think it's such a good idea.

Mom, no no no.

Can we talk about this? I don't think it's a great idea.

Where's your god of fun now? Huh?

( Theme music playing )

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change direction. ♪

Good morning, New York!

It's me, Bonnie Wheeler!

Man: Shut up!

No, you shut up!

Oh, look at me, single gal in the city.

Oh, it is time to shake up my life and unleash "New Bonnie" into the world.

Mom, "unleash" is what super-villains do with things like plagues and death rays.

Never ends well.

This bachelorette pad is missing only one thing--

Bachelors.

Riley, I can't thank you enough for helping me find this place.

You told her about this place?

How could you do that to me?

Oh, I'm sorry. Is it awkward having your mother so close?

Because you sure didn't think so when you dumped her at my place for the last two weeks.

It was funnier when I did it.

( Scoffs )

It's called payback, Ben.

And at least now I don't have to keep saying "Quit going through my things or trying on my stuff."

Hey, have you seen my little pink jewelry box?

It had Nana's good ring in it.

Oh, no. Sorry, haven't seen it.

You have to help me get this off.

Why are you wearing Nana's ring?

I was going through her things and trying on her stuff.

Hey, Riley, just let me know if you see it back at your place.

Oh, and I'm also missing those little blue earrings.

Those are mine.

Worth a sh*t.

Well, I should probably go.

I have a date with Fitch.

I thought Dr. save-the-world flew back to Africa last week.

It's our daily video chat.

And on the bright side, when your boyfriend lives 6,000 miles away, you only have to look cute from the neck up.

This is not right, man.

She cannot live here.

So either you man up and tell her to get out, or I will.

Oh, hey, Mrs. Wheeler. How you doin'?

Let me know if there is anything else you need.

Oh! Thanks, Tucker.

You're like the little pocket-sized son I never had.

Mom, we have to have a talk.

Look, Benji, I know what you're gonna say.

And if I'm being too intrusive, just tell me.

You're being too intrusive.

( Scoffs ) Oh, come on.

It's gonna be fun, huh?

And I think you might have forgotten how much fun your mom is to have around.

( High-pitched ) What!

Wow! ( Chuckles )

That was a blood bath.

You really told her.

I don't have to, because there's one thing she's obviously forgotten.

How much fun I am to have around.

Riley: That reminds me, the most amazing Sushi place just opened up on third.

Whoo! Listen to me go on.

( Chuckles )

You're not gonna forget me while I'm gone, are you?

No. I truly only have eyes...

For you.

You. I-- I only have eyes for you.

Um, I gotta get back.

I miss you.

♪ Miss you too.

Fitch.

So...

Other than not doing laundry, what's been going on?

Don't answer that.

You know what I just realized?

This might be the first time we've both been in relationships at the same time.

I mean, you with Milena; Me with Fitch.

Who would look lovely feeding me muffins or...

Fried larva or whatever it is he has for breakfast.

Yeah, it's nice, isn't it?

( Russian accent ) Quick shower.

You wait, my little Dannichka.

You have to help me break up with Milena.

What? Why? You're her little Dannichka.

She's getting too serious.

I mean, I like her, but I'm not ready to commit.

And I don't wanna lead her on.

So can't you just talk to her?

I've tried, but there's something about her.

It's like she has these powers.

Powers?

Like making your clothes disappear?

No.

I start to say one thing, then she kisses me, and I forget what I'm talking about.

Oh, how much more rational men would be with just one extra pint of blood.

Will you help me?

You've been dumped a ton of times.

Not that many times.

Johnny, Teddy, Big-hair Bobby--

Okay, thank you. Point made.

Hey, is that my Nana's ring?

How do you notice a little nondescript diamond ring, and you didn't notice that I cut my hair?

Oh, yeah. It looks really good.

Two years ago.

Wheeler, let's focus.

My advice is you gotta tell her the truth.

And I think the sooner the better.

( Door opens )

( Shower running )

Danny?

You want to join me in shower?

Sure.

I think this will be easier if I'm clean.

( Rapping ) ♪ well, I'm the new Bonnie and I'm pleased to meet ya ♪

♪ you don't know how to party, well, I'm here to teach ya. ♪

( Beatboxes )

Hey, Mom.

Oh! Ben!

Don't do that.

I got called in for an early shift, so you're gonna have to watch Emma.

( Exhales ) And what if I had plans?

If you had what? ( Scoffs )

Mom, you're hilarious.

( Chuckles weakly )

I happen to have a very special date tonight.

In fact, I just made him my world-famous-- is this my meatloaf?

You should probably thank me. It was a little dry.

And how many times have I told you not to drink out of the carton?

Guess we're just gonna have to agree to disagree on that one.

Okay, bye, baby. Be good for Grandma.

Oh, yeah, and I left a couple shirts on the chair.

Most of them just need buttons, but one has a fresh meatloaf stain.

Hmm.

And you're right. I did forget how fun it is to have you around.

Danny: Milena, I swear...

It's not you, it's me.

( Mimics buzzer,laughs ) Yeah. No.

What's wrong with that one?

No woman likes to be lied to.

Plus, we already know it's you, otherwise, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

You know, it's kinda hard to focus with your hand in the air like that.

It's like algebra class all over again.

"Oh oh! Pick me, pick me!"

Oh oh, well, you didn't seem to mind that I had all the answers when you were copying off my quiz.

I just need the swelling to go down.

Oh! How about this?

We can still be friends.

Is something you say to someone you never wanna be friends with.

( Gasps ) Oh, my God. I can move it. Yes! A little soap.

Danny, please help me get this off.

Milena's gonna be here any minute, and I still don't know what I'm gonna say.

It's fine.

Just be honest. You like her, but you're not ready to commit.

Ow.

Oh, got it!

( Ring clinks ) - ( Gasps ) Where did it go?

I think it rolled under the couch.

Oh, found it!

( Exhales deeply )

Milena.

Oh, my God. Danny!

Yes yes! I will marry you!

No. No no, Milena.

The ring is--

The ring is perfect!

I have to call my mother.

Mom?!

Well, on the bright side...

We got the ring off.

( Speaking in Russian )

What just happened?

How could she think I wanted to get married?

I'm just guessing, but it might have been the whole on-bended-knee thing.

We can't get married.

I'm too young to get married.

Really?

That's your takeaway from this?

( Speaking Russian )

( Dings )

Now remember, what happens on the elevator...

Stays on the elevator.

( Speaks Russian )

Gesundheit.

I can't believe it. Look what Danny gave me.

Milena! Hey! Don't bother the nice lady.

Come quick. Danny needs to see you.

Hi, Mrs. Wheeler.

Hi.

( Door closes )

Wow. Really friendly building.

That's one way to put it. ( Chuckles )

Now I just want you to know that you are the first official visitor...

To Bonnie town.

( Cheering on TV )

You sure about that?

Ben!

Hey, Mom.

Ohh.

Hey, Mrs. Wheeler.

Looks like you're flying first class tonight.

( Chuckles )

Somebody's got herself a layover.

( Chuckles )

Dude, that's my mom.

Boys, this is Jerry and he's not a pilot.

He's a lieutenant...

Captain.

...in the Navy.

Coast Guard.

We're still getting to know each other.

So Jerry, why don't you wait for me out on the terrace, while I get us some wine and smother the children.

Oh, yeah, you're out of wine.

And beer.

But don't worry, I put a list on the fridge.

All right, what are you two couch rats doing here?

I told you I had a date tonight.

Oh!

Was that tonight? Pfft!

I've gotta learn to write stuff down.

Well, let me fill you in on what's happened so far.

Dinner? You ate it. Night cap? You drank it.

Good night kiss? Not happening unless you two get the hell of of here!

I'm in no hurry.

Well, I am.

Have you seen yourself?

Seriously, Ben, you've got two seconds to get out--

( doorbell rings )

( Sighs )

Sweet! Pizza's here.

Hey, Mom. Can I borrow 20 bucks?

I'll totally pay you back.

Yeah.

It's not the first time you've stolen my twenties.

And thirties.

All right, you, fun-size, out.

Calm down!

I can take a hint.

I know what you're trying to do, Ben Wheeler.

And you can just forget it.

You are not going to extinguish the radiant light that is New Bonnie.

I can't believe you'd think I'd do that.

I'm so insulted.

However, if this isn't working out for you, you're on month-to-month, right?

Okay, when I get back, you and I are going to have a serious conversation about boundaries.

Wait. Get back from where?

Well, some of the old neighbors are throwing me a going-away party tomorrow night.

As a joke, they're calling it a "good riddance" party.

Which is exactly what I am saying to you.

( Muttering )

I don't think this is working.

She is not moving out.

I wouldn't be too sure.

Come on, man. You heard her.

Really?

'Cause all I heard was the god of fun and irresponsible behavior is back.

Dude, we're having a party.

( Surf music playing )

( Chuckles )

Say "Aloha."

Aloha!

Oh. ( Chuckles )

Aloha.

Come here, girl. How you doin'?

What do you think, Emma?

This is what we call a party.

Someday you'll grow up and trash daddy's place, and the circle of life will be complete.

I actually get kinda teary-eyed just thinking about it. ( Sniffles )

( Coughs )

Wow!

I think I just melted my teeth.

( Both laugh )

You gotta try this, man.

Sounds great, but I can't.

I'm designated daddy tonight.

Plus, I need to make sure things don't get too out of control.

( Dance music playing ) - ( All cheering )

Okay okay. If people can just leave the furniture where they found it.

Hey, bro! Amazing party.

Too bad I'm about to be an only child.

Yeah, I know.

I didn't mean for it to get this wild.

Don't worry.

I won't let Emma forget you.

You have to help me shut this down.

It's way too late for that.

What do you mean? It's not too late.

Benjamin Bon Jovi Wheeler!

Bonnie!

It's too late!

What the hell is going on here?

Tucker: Whoo!

Hey, everybody!

Check out my fire dance!

( All whooping and cheering )

( All screaming and cheering )

( Clinking )

Danny and Tucker: Oh!

Oh. Must you?

It feels like an entire village is running through my head, fleeing from an erupting volcano.

But just as they reach the beach...

Shark att*ck.

( Spoon clatters )

Oh my God.

Whoo!

All: Oh my God.

I think I got all the water up and I don't think there's any real, permanent damage.

Well, it's official...

( Slams )

Oh.

Oh my...!

At the ripe old age of... ( Mumbles )

I'm homeless!

They can't evict you.

Just tell 'Em it was my fault.

Oh, no, Ben, I can't do that, because then Emma would be homeless.

I mean, what was so horribly bad about me living across the hall?!

I'm a delight!

Yeah, I cannot believe that you did all of this just to get rid of me!

I guess I just wanted my space!

Which, now that I say it out loud, sounds kind of selfish.

Well, congratulations, you've got your space now.

She's gonna slam it again, isn't she?

( Door opens )

Yeah, and harder this time!

( Slams )

Next time I have a brilliant idea, someone remind me that I'm an idiot.

Okay okay, new rule: Nobody else speak until further notice.

Good morning!

You were so funny last night, Tucker.

Hoo-wah!

Danny, get dressed. We have a lot to do today.

( Whispers ) Help me.

No. No!

I am done helping you.

You obviously want this relationship, because if you didn't, you would've put a stop to it.

So either up the testosterone or quit whining.

( Breathes heavily )

I meant that in the nicest possible way.

I've tried. It's like she has me under a spell.

She does not have you under a spell.

Yeah, I--

( Grunts )

Is everything okay?

No. No, it's not.

Take a seat. We need to talk.

( Sighs ) Milena, I-- what is it?

Umm... ( Gulps )

You see... ( Chuckles )

There's this--

Oh, for the love of God, Wheeler.

I can't marry you, the whole ring thing was an accident and I don't think we're right for each other.

And spell broken.

Why? I don't understand.

Is it because the two of you are--

( chuckles ) Oh, us? No no.

I was just using my powers to help him focus.

I'm sorry. I know I should've told you all this before.

But what happened?

I thought we were so good together.

( Sighs ) We are.

I'm just not ready to make a commitment.

And I'm not ready to be with boy who cannot.

We can still be friends.

That's worse than "it's not you, it's me."

I actually tried to tell him that.

( Lock clicks )

( Elevator dings )

Hey, Mom.

Don't worry. I've got people coming to get the boxes.

Fortunately, Aunt Shirley is letting me stay in one side of her double-wide.

Mom, I don't--

You know what is so funny about this, Ben?

You were my inspiration to make this move!

When I saw what you did with your life when Emma came into it, I thought, "I could do that!

I could change, too!"

But how can I be New Bonnie when I'm stuck with old Ben?

Wait.

( Disgusted sigh )

Oh, what's this?

All of my squashed hopes and dreams in a convenient carrying case?

It's a lease...

For a nice apartment around the corner.

Really?

Look, I know what I did was selfish and immature-- not two of my best qualities-- but I want to change.

I wanna be the guy you think I am, the guy you think I can be.

And this is my way of saying that I'm sorry and I'm trying.

You forgive me?

Ben, I'm your mother.

Forgiving you is a full-time job.

But it's one that I love.

I think that is a perfect example of why I am not cut out for a relationship.

Oh, that is so not true.

I don't care how much you protest, you are a relationship guy.

( Sarcastically ) Oh, you think so?

( Sarcastically ) Oh, I know so.

( Breathes deeply )

Anyway...

I'm sorry that I had to drop that kiss b*mb on you.

Never apologize for saving my life...

Or kissing me.

Well, that didn't last long.

What?

Us both being in a relationship at the same time.

Oh. Yeah.

Honestly, I don't know how much longer I'm gonna be dating Fitch.

Really? Why?

Just a sense.

Like, we haven't talked or chatted in a couple of days now.

I'm sure he has a good reason.

Oh, yeah? And what would that be?

He was travelling.

Oh my God! Fitch!

Hi!

( Chuckles ) Hi.

Oh.

Oh, I missed you so much.

I just had to come home to see you.

( Kisses )

Fitch: Mmm!

( Both laugh )

Yup.

That girl has definitely got some powers.

Done!

The last of Mom's boxes have been safely delivered.

And I think some people from the luau are living in the elevator.

Sounds like I missed a pretty epic night.

I was actually engaged for most of it.

Oh, that reminds me--

I've got to get this ring back to your mom...

( Phone ringing )

...before she realizes I was the one that took it.

( Clicks )

Hey, Mom. Settling in okay?

Yeah, hold on. Let me ask her.

Mom wants to know what you're doing with Nana's ring.

How did she know that I have the ring?

And, Danny, she says, "Get your feet off the table."

Where is your mom's new apartment?

Ben, what did you do?

She can't read lips, can she?

She says, "yeah."

Say good night to Grandma, Emma.

( Chuckles )

( Emma coos )