05x20 - My Fair Emma

Man, I think breaking up with Sam hurt the most.

We liked her.

We all really liked her.

But that's it.

No more chasing, no more dating, no more...

What was I talking about?

Women.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that.

No more chasing women.

From this moment on, it's just gonna be about Emma.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Okay, okay, I see what you're doing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're saying you're done looking, but you know good and well that the minute you do, bam!

The universe is finally gonna give you the perfect girl.

Uh, no, I don't think that's how the universe...

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! I'm so sorry!

No, no, no, wait, wait. It was totally my fault.

No, I wasn't looking.

Neither was I.

Oh, you're good.

Oh, you are very good.

Stop it.

What?

(theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ Can take your life and change directions ♪

Oh, you're a lucky girl, Emma.

Nobody ever gave me pony rides when I was a kid.

You were five feet tall when you were 10, Danny.

You were always gonna be the pony.

Breaking news, people.

The Bar on B is the official beer sponsor for the neighborhood street fair this Sunday.

We are gonna make bank!

And by "we," I mean you people, because I totally forgot and didn't hire any help to run the booth. Great, thanks, love you guys.

No can do.

I already made plans to spend the day at an adorable little girl's birthday party.

Whose?

Here's a hint.

Emma?

Emma's!

It's her birthday? It's her birthday!

I knew that! No, I didn't. Dammit!

I remembered.

I got Emma her first pair of S-K-A-T-E-S, and a ton of E-Q-U... stuff to go with it.

You know what? It's cool.

I'll just tell the street fair people that I'm out, and I'll start planning you an amazing birthday party.

Mom, do you have any ideas?

Mine are to use whatever ideas you have.

Benjamin Bon Jovi Wheeler.

This is your child.

I expected more from you.

Did you?

No.

(sultry ringtone playing)

It's Brad.

(flirtatiously) Hello, lover.

What?

You're finally coming home?

Oh, my God! Today?

Oh, God. Okay. I gotta go.

Oh, God, there's so much to wax! Oh, God!

Mom, wait, wait, wait!

What about the party?

Oh, why do you think I'm leaving?

I know where the party is, and it ain't here.

The party is in my...

Bye, sweetie! Grandma loves you!

Danny, dude, I just got the most amazing news.

I got an offer to play for the Vancouver Canucks.

That was not my news.

I just don't know what I should do.

They're offering to pay me almost twice as much as I'm making for the Rangers, but Riley and I are finally in a really good place and I don't know if moving is the right thing for us right now.

Dude, look, you need to start thinking a little less about "us" and a little more about "you."

Oh, Tucker. I'm sorry, man.

I was talking about me and Riley.

No, man. No.

Take the job, dude. Okay?

Riley will follow you anywhere.

She loves you and she'll be there for you.

Especially after everything you've done for her.

You're right.

Thanks for the advice, man.

Hey, what was your news?

Oh, well...

Riley: Knock, knock. Danny?

Oh, yeah, out here.

Oh, no bigs, man.

Yeah, I'm just in the running to become the new on-air talent for an entertainment show in LA. It's my total dream job.

I'm just... just waiting for that call, you know?

(imitates Danny) Oh, wow, bro. Congratulations!

That's amazing!

(as himself) Oh, thanks, man.

You are a great friend.

Just the girl I wanted to talk to.

I've got some pretty big news.

Oh, my God, so do I.

I have so much to tell you.

First, I just found out I'm on the short list to make junior partner.

Talk about destroying the odds in the office pool.

Oh, congratulations!

Thank you.

I'm so proud of you!

And I got a pretty amazing offer to play for Vancouver.

Vancouver.

But I should probably just turn it down now, you know, with your news and all.

Really? Oh. Oh, my God.

Junior partner. Can you believe it?

That's so crazy, right?

But that's not all...

Wait, that's it?

Not even a second to consider my job or my career?

Well, you just said...

I've been agonizing over this for days, trying to figure out what's the best for us.

You know, you and me together as a team.

But apparently it's just like it always has been... me thinking about you and you thinking about you.

We'll talk about it tonight. I'll see you later.

Oh, no...

Hey, sorry I'm late, but those stupid street fair people won't let me back out because I signed a binding contract.

They're gonna sue me for everything I'm worth.

Well, joke's on them 'cause I got nothin'.

Well, I got somethin'. Directions home. Get out.

Brad's gonna be here any minute.

No, Mom, come on. You have to help me out.

I invited a bunch of Emma's friends and their parents over for a party tomorrow night.

I also promised punch and pie, so if you can get started on that, that'd be great.

(knock on door)

(Squeals)

Yeah, that's not happening.

(chuckles)

Brad!

Bon-Bon!

(chuckles)

Let's try that again, okay?

Brad!

Bon-Bon!

Nope. Still the same.

Bonnie, it's me, free of society's superficial bonds.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I... I know, sweetie, but society also frowns on smelling like an onion.

Wow.

Well, we'd love to stay and catch something, but we gotta go.

Oh, no, no, no.

What I look like doesn't matter, does it?

Of course it does.

You think you got this far in your career by being talented?

Look, Bonnie, I don't think the nine-to-five is my groove anymore.

You see, work is the imprisonment of the spirit and the soul.

And you, you are the only prison that I need.

And all I want to do is spend some hard time in your arms this weekend.

Uh...

Okay, stop it, stop it.

Oh, my God, something's moving in your beard.

Oh, God.

So, guess what idiot father promised his little girl a pony ride for her party?

Where am I gonna find a pony in the middle of Manhattan?

(ponies neigh)

Where am I gonna find a bag of money in the middle of Manhattan?

The street fair.

Yes! This is genius!

I'll tell Emma that the fair is actually her birthday party.

I can hang a few signs, add a couple of balloons, she gets a pony ride with all her little friends, and she'll think I'm the greatest dad ever.

I'm so much better at this than you were.

Oh!

Watch where you're going!

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm fine.

You're sure you're okay?

All good.

(Engine revs)

I think I know her.

I had a scooter like that once.

You know, till I drove it right into a coffee shop.

That barista never stood a chance.

She also never stood again.

I should call her.

I feel like the world's worst girlfriend.

You are.

Danny is so sweet and kind and I always take him for granted.

You do.

I honestly don't deserve him.

You don't.

Riley, look, I know you want me to sit here and say, "Oh, it's not that bad," but I'm on Danny's side on this one.

You're kind of selfish.

(scoffs) No, I'm not.

Just because I occasionally put my needs before others does not make me selfish.

Uh, yeah, actually, it does.

And I know that because when I tried tell you about my amazing job offer...

Ugh! I just feel like I've ruined everything.

We just got back together.

You just kept talking.

I mean, he has to know how much I love him.

There isn't a second in the day where I'm not thinking about Danny... Holy crap.

I was supposed to meet him for dinner an hour ago.

‭Hey, it's Danny Wheeler. Let's talk more about this Vancouver offer.

It's Perrin with a P.

Oh, sorry, can you hold on one second?

Oh, my God, I have the most brilliant idea.

You decided to become a crazy bird lady.

It was only a matter of time.

No. This is Danny and Riley.

Yeah, I am going to out-romance the romance king. Okay?

I'm gonna have Danny meet me on the roof, and then dressed as Riley Girl, my super-secret alter ego that he loves more than anything, I'm gonna swoop in, release the lovebirds, who will soar into the sky just as my message of love is being written across the sunset.

And if that doesn't say "I love you,"

I don't know what does.

Hold on.

Sorry, can it say, "I love you"?

You're a nut-job.

Shut up, Tucker.

All right, four o'clock? Yeah, that's perfect.

And you have the address?

Okay. Great.

Oh, he's gonna flip when he sees these birds.

Ooh, hot wings. Yeah, that's what I want for dinner.

Sorry I'm late, Bon-Bon, but I got caught up in this wonderful meditation in Central Park.

See, that's the thing about past lives.

Oh, Bonnie, we gotta get out of this city and you need to come with me!

What are all my suits doing out?

Well, you know, I just wanted to help free you from your corporate overlord Gucci and Armani.

I mean, who needs beautiful suits when you've got trees and... man-dals.

Right.

Oh!

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That was a good one.

I ripped it right off of you on our first date.

(chuckles)

Oh, there's just something about a man in a suit I can't resist.

I'm going out, so.

Wait, Bonnie, you really think we should just throw out... everything?

I mean, maybe we could keep a few pieces for...

Shh!

Just say goodbye.

And remember, if you love something, set it free.

If it come backs to you, wind chimes.


Where the hell is everybody?

Family meetings are called for important events only.

Like Emma's birthday party.

Or when Mom gets arrested.

Wait a minute, are we having a meeting?

I'm just here 'cause of the cables out of my room.

There you are! Hey, I have a list of stuff...

No time! Riley just call to this emergency on the roof.

Well, once again, it looks like it's gonna be all up to me.

Am I the only one here who's... Emma's father?

Dammit!

Riley bit Danny's head off and flew away with a pigeon.

What about the skywriting?

Oh no! The skywriting!

"Shut up Tucker."

I do get that a lot.

All right, here you go.

The Emma Birthday Brew.

Wish the little girl a happy birthday.

Then no beer for you, buddy.

I want to ride a pony.

Daddy just needs to get these nice people drunk first.

What am I gonna do Just say you're sorry.t Danny?

Honestly, I'd recommend getting it tattooed somewhere on your body for convenience.

No, no.

This is too important, okay?

He has to know that he is everything to me.

Wh... That's it.

The white horse.

The ultimate symbol of love.

I'll ride up and whisk Danny away.

Yeah, I just wish somebody would whisk me away from you.

Brad?

What are you doing?

I'm selling it, Bonnie.

I am selling it all!

This way we'll have enough money to go on the road together and live off the land.

I already have this amazing recipe for yak yogurt.

It's a little bit salty.

I'm not sure if I'm milking him right.

(gagging)

Bonnie, I've moved you to tears.

Oh, this is gonna be wonderful!

(sputters)

All right, here you go.

Hey, next time you invite Emma's friends to a party, maybe you don't get their parents wasted on free beer.

Here, give me one of them.

You pump that keg, I'll pump this one.

Okay.

Hi, bud!

And have you seen Riley?

I swear I haven't talked to her in like two days.

No apology, nothing.

It's like she doesn't even care about me.

Whoa! Danny!

What was that?

Pony!

I know, honey. In a little while, okay?

Keg, Danny. Keg. Let's go.

No, no, no, no, no, little girl.

No pony ride yet, okay?

I'm sorry, but this isn't your daddy's fault.

It's everyone else's.

And there's your first birthday present, a lesson on shifting blame.

So what do you think?

Danny will love it, right?

Wow.

How bad were your other ideas if this is the one you chose?

No, Danny will love it.

It's a symbol of his heart.

Which you're breaking.

Shut up, Tucker!

Wow, you really do get that a lot.

(rattling)

Hey there, moon boy.

It's your cosmic concubine ready to ride the solar waves.

Bonnie?

Mm-hmm.

What happened to you?

You happened to me.

I'm here to mingle our chakras and talk to my soul child.

And you were right.

I don't need work or ambitions or money or nice things or razors.

Definitely not razors.

This is insane.

Oh, my God, thank goodness. I was so worried that...

I've literally never been happier.

This is all that I've ever wanted.

What? No!

No! No! No!

This isn't what you always wanted!

(tambourine rattles)

I am a beautiful, vibrant, and sexy woman with goals, ambitions, and drive!

I mean, things that you actually used to have!

I don't even know who you are anymore!

God! I don't want dirt floors or inner peace or anything made out of hemp!

This is what you always wanted!

This is who you married!

Bonnie... Bonnie, wait!

Excuse me, excuse me. Heart coming through.

(phone rings)

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! This is it! This is the call!

Riley: What? Now? No, Tucker!

You have to help me!

Hey, hey, don't make me tell people you're full of candy, all right?

Tucker Dobbs.

I did?

Oh, my God, that's amazing! Thank you!

Oh, my God.

I did it! I did it!

I got the job! I'm going to Hollywood!

Aww, congratulations!

Are you hugging me?

Mom, finally.

Look, I don't know what's going on, but there's really no excuse for you being two hours late to your granddaughter's birthday party.

My marriage is over.

Okay, I will accept that as an excuse.

I have been dunked, painted, and pummeled, and I still haven't seen Riley.

I'm done, man. I'm going home.

No, no! Neither of you are going anywhere.

Look, nothing is gonna stop me from taking my daughter on a pony ride.

Except for whatever the hell that is.

Danny Wheeler, I give you your heart's desire.

Oh, dude, I'm sorry.

I just don't feel the same way.

Um, it's me. (giggles)

Riley?

Danny, I am here... (Thump) to show you that... no matter what, I will always...

Oh, God! Tucker, help me!

Be here for you.

There.

What is all this?

Look, Danny... I'm so sorry for taking you for granted. And for being so selfish. And I just want you to know that... you are literally everything to me. So, if you want to go to Canada, I will go to Canada with you. And if you want to stay here, I will stay here with you. Because if we're together, we can figure anything out. I love you, Danny.

Okay, not 100% sure what that was all about.

Now can someone please watch this stupid booth so I can take my daughter for a birthday pony ride?

Emma? Where the hell did she go? Emma!

(pony neighing)

Emma! No!

(Emma cries)

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Stupid pony.

It's been the worst birthday ever and it's all my fault.

(door opens)

All: Is she okay? Sweetie! I'm so sorry! Are you okay?

Hey, man, I'm sorry.

Look, we should have been there to help you.

Don't worry.

I'm not gonna take that job in LA.

I don't ever want to leave you guys.

What job in LA? Man, you never tell me anything.

We're staying too.

Yeah.

Definitely not going anywhere.

Look, I love you guys.

You've given up so much of your lives to help us, but now you have to go live your own lives.

And if that means I have to make even more sacrifices for Emma, then so be it.

We'll be fine on our own.

Right, Emma?

Bonnie!

Brad? (gasps)

I love you.

And if that means looking like a horribly sexy, suit-wearing worker bee in this dirty, loud city, well, then so be it!

Oh, I love you too.

And if you're not happy here, I'll make the sacrifice.

Let's travel the world and be happy everywhere!

(Chuckles)

But if you would keep this look though, that would be super helpful.

Really? You'll travel the world with me?

I am right on the fence.

But, you know, I think Ben can handle things here for a while.

So what do you say we open up some presents and get this party started?

Right?

Wait. Actually, before we do that, um...

I have a present for Danny.

What are you doing?

I didn't want to tell you this until I knew we were perfect.

Remember when I said I had a bunch of news?

Turns out that test I took wasn't right.

I'm pregnant.

(all cheering)

It's been quite a day, huh?

Trust me, everything is gonna be just fine.

Even if everybody moves out of town, it doesn't mean they don't love you anymore, okay?

And just know I'm never going anywhere.

It's gonna be me and you forever and ever, kid.

We're just gonna take a cab home tonight.

Here. Come on.

(grunts)

You're a big girl. You're a big girl now.

All right.

It was my birthday!

Yeah, it was your birthday. Come on.

There you go.

Mott and Spring, please.

Oh!

Excuse me.

Think your little girl dropped this.

Oh. Thanks.

It... it's her. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Just five more minutes please. She's gotta be here somewhere.

Dude, we've been sitting here for like 3 hours, you don't even know if she lives here or works near here.

I'm telling you, there is something about her.

I think she's the one.

I know I've said that before, but this time I mean it.

I know I said that before too.

All right let's go!

I'm gonna find her.