02x01 - Queasy Rider

[bunniefuu]

Ah, Douglas, just the
man I wanted to see.

Give my résumé a once-over,

will you?

Your résumé?

What's that about? What, you...

You want to go back to work?
Yeah.

I just can't take it
anymore, Douglas.

Sitting alone in that
basement all day.

To be honest with you, I'm
starting to have some...

very strange thoughts.

Really. Huh.

Hadn't picked up on that.

So, this going to land me a job,

or what?

Well, my first thought is,

you might not want to do it

in magic marker.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Hmm...

and which Little Rascal

were you?

Onions, beloved by millions,

till that bastard Alfalfa
took it all away.

All right, this,

see, I got to throw a
flag on this, okay?

Somebody's going to
check with NASA.

That's for me to worry about.

All I wanted

was for you to double-check

my spelling and grammar

and not nitpick

at every little detail!

Okay! Fine!

You spelled GPA wrong.

Other than that, it's perfect.

Thank you.

♪ My eyes are gettin' weary

♪ My back is gettin' tight

♪ I'm sittin' here in traffic

So there I am,

watching TV with my mom,

and I turn to her and go,

"Hey, when is Aunt Gwinnie

getting here?"

So I hear Larry
King on the TV say,

"She'll be with us at 7:00."

See, he was talking
about a guest.

Uh, I think it was Joyce
Dewitt or Cindy Williams.

I always get those two mixed up,

but it sounded like
he was answering me.

That's so weird, isn't it?

I wonder where Doug is.

I bet you wish to God

you hadn't lost your house key.

No, no. This is...

This is nice.

Did you read that
thing in The Times

about how some men can lactate?

That was awesome!
I'm telling you,

it's a rush every
time you get on.

Hey. Hey, babe.

What's up?

Oh, not much.

I was just out riding
on Richie's hog.

Okay. Please rephrase that.

I got a motorcycle.

Really? Yeah.

It's unbelievable.

We went from here to,
like, Modells and back

in, like, two minutes.

It's so fast.

You zip in and out
through traffic,

and I got to level with you.

There was a breeze
blowing up my shorts

that felt like Christmas.

Very nice. House key, please.

Oh, right.

God, that was so cool.

Everybody's looking at
you, like, whizzing by...

and then, out of nowhere,

Richie just pulls this wheelie.

I wasn't going for one.
You just leaned back.

Uh, you know, from here,

it sounds like Mr. Doug

wants to buy himself
a motorcycle.

You know what?

I am a little tempted.

Moose, you should see the
guy that I got mine from.

He's got some real
beauties cheap,

and they run like new.

You know what? Give
me his number.

Maybe I'll...

You're not getting a motorcycle.

Why not? Okay, Doug,

did you not hear
my buzzer noise?

This is not going to happen.

Why not?

Because they're too dangerous,

and people die on them.

I don't want

to have to constantly
worry about you.

Yeah, but, Carrie, I wouldn't...

Doug, no motorcycle.

If you want, I'll
buy you a Schwinn,

we'll put a baseball card

in the spokes,

It'll sound almost the same...

Okay?

Screw that noise.

I can get one if I want.

Okay, Doug, give me your hand.

I want to make
this easy for you.

No.

No.

Now, give me the keys.

I don't want to miss
The Real World.

I love you. Don't be home late.

Bye, guys.

Goodnight, Carr. Bye-bye. Bye.

What?

Nothing. So, uh...

you want to sh**t some pool,

Mrs. Heffernan?

Yeah, we could spot
you two balls.

Hey, so much for
traditional gender roles,

huh?

I'm going to use the bathroom.

So, yeah, you want
to sh**t a game?

For real.

No. You know what? No, thanks.

Come on, man, we're
just kidding around.

It's not you. It's Carrie.

I mean, what was that about?

"No. No discussion."

Sorry.

Sorry!

Easy. Easy.

I just thought marriage
was supposed to be

this mutual sharing
dialog thing.

No.

Well, you know what?
Ours is. Usually.

Oh, really?

Last year, uh...

Where was it you wanted
to go on vacation?

Baseball Hall of Fame.
Baseball Hall of Fame.

Cooperstown,

and, uh, where'd
you end up going?

Antiquing in Connecticut.

So you did, and, uh, last week,

when we were renting movies to
watch with the wives, uh...

what did we end up renting?

I don't know.

I can't remember.

No, no. What did we rent?

I don't know. What did we rent?

Hope Floats, all right?

There it is! Hope Floats!

You see what I'm saying?

You're married.

Don't fight it.

You just got to...

Focus on a point
on the wall and...

let it happen.

No. No, you know what?

You focus. Not this guy.

I'm picking up my own soap,

and I'm getting out
of the shower.

Soap?

What the hell are
you talking about?

I don't know. What are
you talking about?

She's pretty sweet, huh?

Oh, that she is.

Richie's right. You, uh...

You do nice work.

Yeah.

I hollowed out the cams,

put in bigger piston heads.

You know, give it a
couple more horses.

Good. Yeah, because I, uh...

I probably would've
hollowed them out myself.

Now I don't have to.
That's good.

So, you want to do the deal?

Hmm. I don't know.

What do you want for it?

1200.

Hmm.

It's a nice bike,

but I don't know
if it's 1200 nice.

1200.

It is nice.

Still, I don't know, you know?

1200...

What are you looking for?

I don't know. Here's 1200.

Darling, I need to
borrow the iron.

Dad, I told you.

If you want a grilled
cheese sandwich,

I will make you one.

No, no.

I just wanted to press my pants.

I got a job interview
in the morning.

Really?

Good for you.

What for?

Head of Pediatrics,
Long Island Jewish.

Great.

Sure hope you don't get it.

Okay, I think I know
where that came from.

Now, look,

I love you.

When I go back to work,

you will not become
a latchkey child.

That is my pledge to you.

Hey, babe.

Hi.

What happened?

I thought you were coming home

right after work.

Uh, actually, I stopped...
somewhere first.

In fact, I, uh... I
need to talk to you.

Let me just get dinner
started real quick.

Uh, dinner can wait.

I want to get this out now.

Dinner can wait?

Okay. Now you're
really scaring me.

Well?

What?

Carrie,

sometimes in a marriage...

there comes a time when...

one of the...

members of that marriage

needs to express themselves

in a way that...

Douglas,

that is one bad-ass
motorcycle you got out there.

Nice work, kiddo.

You got a motorcycle?

Can I finish my story, please?

You got a motorcycle?

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I got a bike.

I got a bike. I got a bike.

There, I said it. I don't care.

I said it. It's out there.

By the way, Douglas,

did Carrie tell you I
got a job interview?

Honey, you can't run from this.

Daddy needs to work!

Douglas, get her.

Have you lost your mind?

And we discussed this.

No, no, we didn't discuss it.

You discussed it.

I barely got a sentence in.

Doug, I specifically forbade
you from buying this.

Forbade me? Forbade?
You can't forbade me.

Are you insane?

I mean, what the hell do you
think you're doing here?

I knew you would
overreact like this.

Look, I just wanted one.
Huh? It'll be fun.

Fun? Really?

Will it be fun when
you're in a wheelchair?

Maybe.

This is going back tomorrow.

No, it's not going
back tomorrow.

Oh. Oh, it is.

Uh-uh. It's not.

It's so going back.

It's so not going back.

Hey, Doug, not only are you
stupid for buying this,

but you're arguing about it
in a really annoying way.

Tough noogies.

Look, I'm keeping
the motorcycle.

For once,

I'm wearing the pants
in the family.

Fine. Fine.

Keep the damn bike.

I will. Fine.

I will. Fine.

I will.

And by the way,

if you want to wear the pants,

you might think about
pulling them up.

Well, peaches,

I think congratulations
are in order.

Your father got himself a job.

Well, I'm going to assume it's
not the head of Pediatrics.

No, no.

Unfortunately,

they did a little
fishing around,

so instead, I accepted an
offer from an enterprise

known as "A Big Hot Pretzel."

Well, the important thing is, you
still get to work with kids.

Congratulations.

I'm proud of you.

Thank you.

The pay's not great,

but they agreed

to let me work evenings.

That way,

you and I can have
our days together.

I'd love to, Dad, but you
know, I work during the day.

Come on, darling.

You're going to
have to be flexible

if we're going to
make this work.

Okay, well, I guess
my only other option

is to quit my job?

That's my girl.

Sewing kit? Here we go.

Got to let the crotch out

on these trousers.

After all, I'm selling pretzels,

not myself.

What's up?

Hey, babe.

Kiss?

You, uh, you want to
know where I was?

I was...

I was out cruising.

Good for you, sweetie.

I was on my motorcycle.

I know. I know.

I'm fine with that.

You are?

Yeah, you know, I had
a good night's sleep,

thought things through,

and I figured, hey,
you know what?

If a motorcycle makes you happy,

then I'm happy too,
because you know what?

Life's too short

not to do the things
that make you happy.

Right?

Right.

So, you want to
split an egg roll?

Do you?

All right...

What are you doing here?

What? Oh. Oh, this?

I'm just doing what
makes me happy.

Oh, you know what?

These are so smooth.

We've come a long way, baby.

So you're going to get
cancer to make a point?

Sure. I'll be in an iron lung,
you'll be in a wheelchair.

Hey, you know what?

Maybe we can chip in and
share a helper monkey.

Well, you know what?
It's not going to work.

You can smoke all you want.

I don't care.

Well, I'm glad you feel
that way, sweetie.

Oh, I do.

I do. I do. You know?

Look, I'm not going to
play games, Carrie.

I'm not going to that place
where you want me to go here.

If you want to ruin your lungs,

then that's...

All right.

Put her out.

I can't eat in that stink.

Well, then go eat
with your motorcycle,

because I likes to
smoke while I eat.

Fine. You know what?
I will. I will.

You know what?

I will, and you can
smoke all you want,

because I'm keeping
my motorcycle.

Duck sauce.

Oh, don't mind me.

I'm just looking for something.

Oh, thank God.

You know,

if you lose one of these things,

it comes right out
of your paycheck.

I already owe them

for that stupid soda machine.

So, uh... you...

You still enjoying the chopper?

Hmm?

Oh, uh, yeah.

It's great.

Don't let Carrie get you down.

You know, when I
had my motorcycle,

her mother was the same way.

You had a bike?

Sure. Loved it too.

The great open road.

Rumble of your machine.

Camaraderie of your
g*ng brothers.

You were in a g*ng?

Not really.

I asked them to let me in,

but they drank
heavily all weekend

and b*at me pretty severely...

Okay.

And I think I may
have been compromised

by a gentleman named...

Road Dog.

God, I hate you!

Carrie!

Up here.

Hey.

Want to have sex?

I'm getting rid of the bike.

You are? Mm-hmm.

Selling it tomorrow. You happy?

Well...

yeah.

What happened? You
get sick of it?

No. Sorry. I didn't
get sick of it.

You got sick of it.

No. Yes!

No. Let me tell you
something, Carrie, okay?

I love that bike, okay?

I'm a free spirit on that bike.

Me and that bike are
like this, okay?

Then why you getting rid of it?

Why, you ask me?

Because it just so happens

that I love this...

more.

This is why

I'm getting rid of the bike,

and no other reason,

and you know what?

If you can't understand that,

then...

how sad your world must be.

Ah, there she is.

The harpy who made her
husband sell his motorcycle.

Dad, please.

Please, nothing. I
know why you did this,

but let me tell you one thing.

Motorcycle or no motorcycle,

I'll find a way to get to work.

Dad!

I'll take the bus if I have to.

Sure, the bus can't pick
me up at my front door

or make my tushy feel good with
its rhythmic vibrations...

Dad, wait.

Would you just listen
to me, please?

I'm glad you got a job.

I made Doug get rid
of the motorcycle

because they're way
too dangerous.

Uh-huh.

Well...

you know what's more dangerous?

What?

Having somebody resent you

for making them give
up their dream...

and you know what's
even more dangerous?

Leaving a pair of boxer shorts

drying on a space heater,

so if you'll excuse me...

Aah!

I sold you.

Oh, sh**t. You're home already.

I didn't get a chance

to put the bow on it yet.

Well...

here.

What...

What have you done?

I felt really guilty

about making you sell it,

and I didn't want you to hate me

for the rest of your life, so...

I bought it back.

You bought it back!

That's...

You bought it back.

So what's the deal?

I don't get a hug for this?

Oh, yeah!

Yeah.

Now...

no riding at night,

no riding on the expressway,

and no riding in bad weather.

You got it?

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, wait.

I have another surprise for you.

They just keep
coming, don't they?

Now we can go riding together.

Look at me.

I'm Pinky Tuscadero.

Come on.

Let's take it for a spin.

Let's bust some heads, baby.

Okay.

Come on!

Okay! Yeah! Okay!

All right.

Honey, don't you
need to, like...

start it or something?

Funny story.

Uh, hey, get ready to laugh.

It turns out I hate the bike.

What?

I hate it.

Hey, let's go buy you a gift.

Come on.

Doug!

What do you mean
you hate the bike?

I thought you loved this thing.

I don't love it, okay?

I mean, I get rained on,

people laugh at me,

and at night, no
one can see you.

At night, you're going to die.

You might as well just face it.

You're going to die.

Well, then what was that
load of crap you gave me

about how much you loved it,

but you loved this more?

I was embarrassed, all right?

I was just trying
to get out of this

with a shred of manhood.

And you thought you'd do that

by making me feel guilty
for the rest of my life?

It felt right at the time, yeah.

What is wrong with you?

I fell there!

Look, it was your fault too.

My fault?

Yeah, that... That buzzer noise
is so insulting, you know?

I don't like it when you do
it in front of my friends...

and I really don't like it
when you do it during sex.

Anybody would've buzzed
you on that one.

Hello. It was dark.
I was disoriented.

Okay.

I'm sorry I buzzed you about
getting the motorcycle.

I just did it
because I love you.

I know. I...

I love you too. Come here.

All right.

Well, let's see where we're at

with this thing.

We got a bike that we don't want

that we bought twice

and I'm addicted to smoking.

Yeah, but we, uh... We
still got this, right?

Hmm? Oh, yeah. We
still have this.

Okay, um...

I guess I'll just
call Dirk tomorrow

and see if I can get
my 800 bucks back.

Eight?

You, uh, you got the
bike for eight?

Yeah. He wanted 1200.
Can you believe that?

That's ridiculous.

Hey, honey.

Hey.

How you feeling?

Great.

This nicotine patch
really works.

It's like, "Cigarette?"

"No, thanks."

Good. I'm glad you
feel that way.

You know, I think we're getting

a little low on shampoo.

Can you pick up some later?

You got it.

Oh, and don't forget,

we're having dinner
with Deacon and Kelly

on Thursday.