1x01 - The Pilot

Scene: Desert

Walter: My name is Walter Hartwell White. I live at 308 Negra Arroyo Lane Albuquerque, New Mexico, 87104. To all law enforcement entities, this is not an admission of guilt. I am speaking to my family now. Skyler you are the love of my life. I hope you know that. Walter Junior you're my big man. There are going to be some things. Things that you'll come to learn about me in the next few days. I just want you to know that no matter how it may look, I only had you in my heart. Goodbye.

Scene: White Residence
(Three weeks earlier)

Skyler: Happy Birthday.

Walter: Look at that.

Skyler: That is veggie bacon. Believe it or not. Zero cholesterol. You won't even taste the difference. What time do you think you'll be home?

Walter: Same time.

Skyler: I don't want him dicking you around tonight. You get paid till 5, you work till 5, no later.

Walter: Hey.

Walter Jr: Happy birthday.

Walter: Well, thank you.

Skyler: You're late again.

Walter Jr: There was no hot water again.

Skyler: I have an easy fix for that. You wake up early, and then you get to be the first person in the shower.

Walter Jr: I have an idea. How about buy a new hot water heater? How's that idea? For the millionth and billionth time.

Skyler: Did you take your Echinacea?

Walter: Yeah. I think it's getting better.

Walter Jr: What the hell is this?

Walter: It's veggie bacon. We're watching our cholesterol, I guess.

Walter Jr: Not me. I want real bacon. Not this fake crap.

Skyler: Too bad. Eat it.

Walter Jr: This smells like Band-aids.

Skyler: Eat it.

Walter Jr: So, how's it feel to be old?

Walter: How does it feel to be a smart ass?

Walter Jr: Good.

Walter: Eat your veggie bacon.

Scene: High School Parking Lot

Walter: You all set?

Walter Jr: Yeah, I'm fine.

Walter: All right, see you at home.

Walter Jr: Okay, see you.

Scene: Walt’s Classroom

Walter: Chemistry. It is the study of what? Anyone? Ben.

Ben: Chemicals.

Walter: Chemicals! No! Chemistry is well, technically, chemistry is the study of matter. But I prefer to see it as the study of change. Now just just think about this. Electrons. They change their energy levels. Molecules. Molecules change their bonds. Elements. They combine and change into compounds. Well, that's all of life. Right? I mean, it's just It's the constant. It's the cycle. It's solution, dissolution, just over and over and over. It is growth, then decay, then transformation. It is fascinating, really. Chad, is there something wrong with your table? Okay. Ionic bonds Are you done? Ionic bonds. Chapter 6.

Scene: Car Wash

Walter: And 2, 3 makes 10, and 10 makes 20. Here's your receipt, and hand this claiming disc to your car wash professional. Thank you. Come again.

Bogdan: He's not coming. He said he quits. I'm gonna run the register.

Walter: Bogdan, no. We talked about this.

Bogdan: I'm shorthanded, Walter. What am I to do? Walter? What am I to do?

Chad: Hey, Mr. White! Make those tires shine, huh?

Chad’s Girlfriend: Oh, my God. You would not believe who's cleaning Chad's car. Mr. White from Chemistry.

Scene: White Residence

Everyone: Surprise!

Walter Jr: Happy Birthday, Dad!

Skyler: You're so very late.

Carmen: Really, I'm serious, Skyler. I mean, you're flat as a washboard. You look awesome. She's not showing at all, is she?

Marie: She's showing a little.

Skyler: Carmen, this is my sister Marie.

Carmen: Pleased to meet you.

Marie: Hi.

Hank: Glock 22. It's my daily carry, okay? I mean, unless you're talking, what, plus, P-plus loads, you can forget the 9-mil, all right? I’ve seen one of those bounce off a windshield one time.

Steve: Yeah, the way you sh**t.

Hank: If you're gonna bring a g*n, you gotta bring enough g*n. 40 caliber.

Walter Jr: This is awesome right here.

Hank: Nice, isn't it?

Walter Jr: Dad, come check this out.

Walter: Yeah, I see it.

Walter Jr: Come on, take it.

Hank: Check it out, Walt.

Walter: No, no, it's just heavy.

Hank: That's why they hire men. Jesus, it's not gonna bite you, all right? Looks like Keith Richards with a glass of warm milk, doesn't he? Hey, Walt. Everybody listen up, listen up, listen up! I'm gonna give a toast. A little toast to my brother-in-law. Come here. Walt, you got a brain the size of Wisconsin, but we're not gonna hold that against you. Because your heart's in the right place, man. Your heart's in the right place. We love you, man. We love you. Everybody! To Walt! Nostrovia!

Everyone: Nostrovia!

Hank: Oh shit, turn on Channel 3.

Hank(on the news): At which point we apprehended three individuals and placed them into custody. I'm proud to say the outstanding professionalism of my fellow agents at the Albuquerque District Office resulted in a substantial amount of methamphetamine being taken off the streets.

Reporter(on the news): Were any shots fired?

Hank(on the news): No, ma'am. Our agents took the suspects by surprise.

Steve: Damn, the TV does add ten pounds.

Marie: Ten pounds?

Hank: Hey, sit and spin. Both of you.

Skyler: Hank.

Hank: What? Sorry. You didn't see that.

Skyler: So charming.

Hank(on the news): This is clearly an ongoing operation, one which was well organized.

Walter: Hank, how much money is that?

Hank: It's about 700 grand. That's a pretty good haul, huh?

Hank(on the news): As I say, it's a good day for the citizens of Albuquerque when we can put this big a dent in the local drug trade.

Walter: Wow. But that's unusual, isn't it, that kind of cash?

Hank: Well, it's not the most we ever took. It's easy money until we catch you. Walt, just say the word and I'll take you on a ride-along. You can watch us knock down a meth lab. Get a little excitement in your life.

Walter: Well, someday.

Scene: Walt and Skyler’s Bedroom

Walter: Which one's this?

Skyler: That faux-Lalique vase I picked up at the Super-Swap.

Walter: How's it doing?

Skyler: I met my reserve, and there's still two minutes.

Walter: What's up?

Skyler: You tell me, birthday boy. Oh, hey, so what's up for Saturday?

Walter: Car wash. Bogdan says he needs me.

Skyler: Until what time? Noon? 1-ish?

Walter: Probably 2, more like it.

Skyler: And then what after that?

Walter: Actually I was thinking of driving up to Los Alamos. The visitor center has an exhibit on that’s really supposed to be...

Skyler: You're not gonna paint?

Walter: I'll paint. It's just that this part of this exhibition on the Mars Rover photographs are the detail really is just supposed to be amazing.

Skyler: It's just that I really need you to paint at some point. I mean, the sooner that back bedroom gets finished. And I'd do it myself, except you said you don't want me standing on the stepladder.

Walter: I'll paint. I will paint.

Skyler: What is going on down there?

Walter: No, it's just...

Skyler: Is he asleep?

Walter: No, It's nothing. You know, just you know, we gotta be careful about the baby.

Skyler: Don't worry about the baby. This is just for you. We are just doing you tonight. So just close your eyes. Relax, and let it. Close your eyes.

Walter: Okay.

Skyler: There you go. That's it. That's it. There you go. Keep it going. Keep it going. Keep it going. Keep Yes! 56!

Scene: Ambulance

Walter: This is so embarrassing. I am fine. Honestly. It's just some bug going around. First my wife had it, then my son, and now me. It's just like a chest cold. Could be some low bl*od sugar as well. I didn't have the greatest breakfast this morning, honestly. Hey, listen, can you do me a favor? Can you just drop me off at a corner somewhere?

EMT: No. Sorry.

Walter: It's just that I don't have the greatest insurance.

EMT: Take a couple of deep breaths for me. Is there anybody you want us to contact for you?

Walter: God, no.

EMT: Lean forward for me, would you? Mr. White, are you a smoker?

Walter: No. Never. Why do you ask?

Scene: Doctor’s Office

Doctor: Mr. White. Mr. White?

Walter: Yes.

Doctor: You understood what I've just said to you?

Walter: Yes. Lung cancer. Inoperable.

Doctor: I'm sorry I just need to make sure you fully understand.

Walter: Best-case scenario, with chemo, I'll live maybe another couple years. It's just you've got mustard on your...right there. Mustard, there. Right there.

Scene: White Residence

Skyler: So my records show that I paid it, and I certainly don't feel that we owe any late...All right. Well, I'll check with the bank and maybe the post office, if they lost it or something. Yeah, let me look into that. Okay. Thank you. Did you use the MasterCard last month?

Walter: We needed printer paper.

Skyler: Walt, the MasterCard's the one we don't use.

Walter: Okay.

Skyler: So how was your day?

Walter: Oh, I don't know. I don't know. It was, um it was fine.

Scene: Car Wash

Bogdan: Come on. I'm shorthanded. I need you to do some wipe-downs. Come on.

Walter: What?

Bogdan: I said I need you outside to do some wipe-downs. Are you here to work or to be staring at the skies? Come on, let's go. Come on, man.

Walter: f*ck you, Bogdan.

Bogdan: What?

Walter: I said f*ck you! And your eyebrows! Wipe down this!

Scene: White Residence-backyard

Walter: Uh, Hank. Hank, it's Walt. Hey. Oh, listen I didn't wake you, did I? Oh, good, good. No, no, nothing's wrong. I just, uh I've been, uh, thinking about that offer that ride-along.

Scene: Hank’s Car

Hank: It's the last house on the right. See it? Not the two-story one. The one next to it. The kind of I don't know, what do you call that? Green?

Steve: Sage.

Hank: Sage. What, do you work at the f*cking Pottery Barn? Jesus.

Steve: Sage. That's the word for it. My fault the only word your dumb ass knows is green?

Hank: Cheese dick. I know that one. How 'bout that? Anyway, it's the sage one. See it?

Walter: So what tells you it's a meth lab?
Hank: Just our snitch. Says some dude goes by Cap'n Cook lives up to his name in there. Says he always adds a dash of chili powder. Ah, you exuberant Mexicans.

Steve: Uh-uh. Cap’n Cook, that's a white boy's name. Dopey as hell, too.

Hank: Yeah? Tell you what. I got 20 bucks that says he's a beaner.

Steve: All right. You're on.

Hank: All right, come on, come on. All right. School bus is clear. Got the green light.

Agent: Copy that.

Hank: Watch this. This makes 'em shit.

Agent: Go, go, go.

Hank: Meth labs are nasty on a good day. You mix that shit wrong, you got mustard gas.

Walter: Phosphine gas. I think.

Hank: Yeah, exactly. One whiff will k*ll you. That's why the respirators.

Agent: House is clear. One suspect in custody.

Hank: Copy that. The suspect, might he be of the Latino persuasion?

Agent: Driver's license says Emilio Koyama.

Steve: Asian! Pay up, sucker.

Hank: Hey hey hey! First name Emilio. That's at least half a beaner. Tell you what, I'll let you off for a 10. Cheer up, Gomey. You people still got J. Lo.

Walter: Hank, do you think I might get to go inside? See the actual lab?

Hank: Yeah. Yeah, I tell you what, we're gonna go peek our heads in, check it out first. Stay here a minute.

Jesse: God.

Walter: Oh, my God. Pinkman?

Scene: Jesse’s House

Walter: It's me. I'm alone.

Jesse: How'd you find me?

Walter: You're still in our filing system. So your aunt owns this place, right?

Jesse: I own it.

Walter: No one's looking for you.

Jesse: Why are you here?

Walter: I was curious. Honestly, I never expected you to amount to much, but methamphetamine? I didn't picture that. There's a lot of money in it, huh?

Jesse: I don't know what you're talking about.

Walter: No?

Jesse: Not a clue.

Walter: Cap'n Cook? That's not you? Like I said, no one is looking for you.

Jesse: Look, I don't know what you think you're doing here, Mr. White. I mean, if you're planning on giving me some bowl winder about getting right with Jesus by turning myself in...

Walter: Not really.

Jesse: High school was a long time ago. You ain't Welcome Back Kotter, so step off. No speeches.

Walter: Short speech. You lost your partner today. What's his name? Emilio? Emilio is going to prison. The DEA took all your money, your lab. You got nothing. Square 1. But you know the business. And I know the chemistry. I'm thinking maybe you and I could partner up.

Jesse: You want to cook crystal meth? You? You and, uh and me?

Walter: That's right. Either that or I turn you in.

Scene: White Residence

Marie: What the hell is this?

Skyler: Damned if I know. I described it as mosaic folk art.

Marie: Somebody bought it?

Skyler: Yeah, some guy in Minneapolis. 14 dollars plus shipping.

Marie: Yes! At this rate, in 50 or 60 years, you'll be rich. So how goes the novel?

Skyler: It's not a novel, actually, which I have...

Marie: You're not writing a novel? You told me you were.

Skyler: No. Short stories. I said that if eventually I have enough good ones that maybe I'll try and publish another collection.

Marie: Those really didn't sell. I just thought a novel would be easier to sell.

Skyler: Yeah, well, maybe so.

Marie: Ever want me to read anything, I could critique it for you.

Skyler: No. I mean, I'm not at that stage where I...no.

Marie: Open offer. So what's up with Walt lately?

Skyler: What do you mean? He's fine.

Marie: He just seems, I don't know, quieter than usual.

Skyler: Turning 50 is a big deal. I mean, I'm sure as hell not looking forward to 40. You're gonna be a complete basket case.

Marie: So it's a mid-life crisis.

Skyler: No, he's just quiet.

Marie: How's the sex?

Skyler: Marie, Jesus.

Marie: Guess that answers that.

Scene: Jesse’s House

Walter: You just gonna sit there? This. Look at this. Kjeldahl-style recovery flask, Very rare. You got your usual paraphernalia: Griffin beakers, your Erlenmeyer flask. But the piece de resistance: a round bottom boiling flask.

Jesse: Well, I cook in one of those. The big one.

Walter: One of these? No, this is a volumetric flask. You wouldn't cook in one of these.

Jesse: Yeah, I do.

Walter: No, you don't. A volumetric flask is for general mixing and titration. You wouldn't apply heat to a volumetric flask. That's what a boiling flask is for. Did you learn nothing from my chemistry class?

Jesse: No. You flunked me. Remember?

Walter: No wonder.

Jesse: Prick. Now let me tell you something else. This ain't chemistry, this is art. Cooking is art. And the shit I cook is the b*mb, so don't be telling me.

Walter: The shit you cook is shit. I saw your setup. Ridiculous. You and I will not make garbage. We will produce a chemically pure and stable product that performs as advertised. No adulterants. No baby formula. No chili powder.

Jesse: No, no, chili P is my signature.

Walter: Not anymore.

Jesse: Yeah, well, we'll see about that. What the hell is this?

Walter: Lab safety equipment. We're also gonna have an emergency eye wash station. These chemicals and their fumes are toxic, in case you didn't know that.

Jesse: Well, you can dress up like a f*g if you want. Not me. Listen, this stuff doesn't stay more than a day.

Walter: What? I thought we were gonna cook here.

Jesse: No, we're not gonna cook here. Okay, this is my house. I don't shit where I eat.

Walter: Well, then, where are we gonna work?

Jesse: You tell me. This is your deal. You want to smoke it up, smoke it up at your house. Nah, I didn't think so.

Walter: Oh, well. Well what if we rented one of those self-storage places, you know, those little orange garages, worked out of there?

Jesse: No. They're on to that. They got dogs that sniff around. RV. That's what you want.

Walter: What, like a Winnebago?

Jesse: Yeah. I know a dude who wants to sell his. He just goes camping with it. But a mobile meth lab? That'd be the b*mb. I mean, drive way out in the boonies. Be all evasive.

Scene: Bank Parking Lot

Jesse: Dude, this isn't even 7 grand. My guy wants 85.

Walter: This is all the money I have in the world. You're a drug dealer. Negotiate.

Jesse: You are not how I remember you from class, I mean, like, not at all.

Walter: I gotta go.

Jesse: Wait, wait. Hold on. Tell me why you're doing this. Seriously.

Walter: Why do you do it?

Jesse: Money, mainly.

Walter: There you go.

Jesse: Nah, come on! Man, some straight like you, giant stick up his ass, all of a sudden at age, what, 60, he's just gonna break bad?

Walter: I'm 50.

Jesse: It's weird is all, okay? It doesn't compute. Listen if you've gone crazy or something I mean, if you've if you've gone crazy or depressed, I'm just saying that's something I need to know about. Okay? I mean, that affects me.

Walter: I am awake.

Jesse: What?

Walter: Buy the RV. We start tomorrow.

Scene: The Mall

Skyler: How's it coming in there?

Walter Jr: Fine.

Skyler: Do you want me or your dad?

Walter Jr: Dad.

Skyler: So how are those feeling in the waist? Are they too tight? 'Cause you don't want to get 'em if they're too tight.

Walter Jr: They're pre-shrunk.

Skyler: Are you sure you don't want to get a different kind? Like, you know, the skinny jeans? Those are really supposed to be in style now. The skaters wear them.

Walter Jr: Do I look like a skater?

Skyler: All right.

Teenager: Mom, look at my big-boy pants. Mommy, could you zip up my big-boy pants?

Walter: Don't.

Skyler: What?

Walter: Don't.

Skyler: Walt.

Walter Jr: Where...

Skyler: I have no idea. You know what? Don't even look at them. They're obviously very stupid. Yep. I think that, um I think those jeans look really good on you. You should get 'em if you like 'em, okay? Why don't you just hang out here for a second? I'll be right back.

Walter Jr: Fine.

Teenager: Mommy, I think I pinched a loaf in my brand-new big-boy pants. What are you doing?

Walter: What's wrong, chief? Having a little trouble walking?

Teenager: Get off me. Get off me! I'll mess you up, man.

Walter: Well, you'll have one sh*t. You better make it good. What, are you waiting for your girlfriends? You better go. Take it. Take your sh*t. Take it! Come on. Come on.

Teenager: Come on, let's get outta here. Let's go. Psycho.

Scene: Desert

Jesse: Yeah, nothing but cows! Got some big cow house way out that way, like 2 miles, but I don't see nobody.

Walter: Cow house?

Jesse: Yeah, where they live. The cows. Whatever, man. Yeah, let's cook here.

Walter: Cow house. God help me.

Jesse: What are you doing?

Walter: These are my good clothes. I can't go home smelling like a meth lab.

Jesse: Yeah, you can. I do. Those? Those, uh You're keeping those on, right?

Walter: Come on. Daylight's burning.

Jesse: Oh, my God. Oh, this is, uh this is a good look for you. And you're maybe only the world's second biggest h*m*.

Walter: Would you shut up and help me?

Jesse: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, work it. Baby, work it.

Walter: Turn that off!

Jesse: This is glass grade. I mean, you got...Jesus, you got crystals in here two inches, three inches long. This is pure glass. You're a g*dd*mn artist. This is art, Mr. White.

Walter: Actually, it's just basic chemistry, but thank you, Jesse. I'm glad it's acceptable.

Jesse: Acceptable? You're the g*dd*mn Iron Chef. Every jibhead from here to Timbuktu is going to want a taste. Now I gotta try this.

Walter: No. No. No, we only sell it. We don't use it.

Jesse: Okay, since when? Listen, you've been watching way too much Miami Vice. That ain't happening.

Walter: So what now? How do we proceed?

Jesse: We cook more tomorrow. Meantime I know just the guy to talk to.

Scene: Krazy-8’s House

Jesse: Kraze, how you doing, my man? You got a new dog. Right on, man. What's his name? Yeah, I had a dog like that once, except maybe, like, twice as big. Super purebred. Now, me personally, I would train him to go straight for the nuts...

Krazy-8: Just shut your mouth and show me your money.

Jesse: I ain't buying, ese. I'm selling. Tell me that ain't the finest scante you ever laid eyes on. Go ahead, try it. Hey, poochie. How you doing? Jesus Christ. See? What'd I say?

Krazy-8: It's all right.

Jesse: It's all right? It's all right?

Krazy-8: Yeah, it's all right. So, what? You back in business?

Jesse: Hell, yeah, I'm back. With a vengeance. Vato loco gotta make a living. You know, with your cousin gone away and all. And listen, homes, about that. It really broke me up about Emilio. That dude is like my brother. He okay? You talk to him?

Krazy-8: Yeah, yeah, I talked to him. He said when the Feds came, you were out sticking it in some neighbor lady.

Jesse: Hey, you know, I got lucky twice.

Krazy-8: I don't know, man. Emilio, he thinks maybe you dimed on him.

Jesse: That is bullshit. That is bullshit, Krazy-8! I should kick his punk ass for even thinking that. You know what? Next time you talk to Emilio, you tell him for me, all right?

Krazy-8: Why don't you tell him yourself? Made bail this morning.

Emilio: Go ahead, pendejo. Kick my ass.

Jesse: Hey, listen...

Krazy-8: Where did you get this? Because I know your little punk ass didn't cook it.

Scene: Desert

Krazy-8: Hey, man. You some kind of nudist? That's some stone-fine tick tick you been cooking there, ese. How about you come work for me?

Walter: I'd be willing to sell it to you if the price is right.

Krazy-8: You out here all by yourself, huh?

Emilio: I know you. He was there when I got busted. He's with the DEA!

Walter: No.

Emilio: You ratasnitch f*ck!

Jesse: Run, Mr. White! Run!

Emilio: I say we cap 'em both.

Krazy-8: Hey, you really cook up that batch?

Walter: Yeah.

Krazy-8: You an artist. It's a damn shame.

Walter: Wait! Wait a minute. Listen to me. I'll teach you my recipe. What do you say? You want to cook like me? You let us both live and I will teach you. Put the cigarette out. Please.

Emilio: Move it, homes. We ain't got all day.

Walter: Okay.

Jesse: What happened? What'd you do to them?

Walter: Red phosphorus in the presence of moisture and accelerated by heat yields phosphorus hydride. Phosphine gas. One good whiff and...we gotta, we gotta clean this up.

Scene: Walt and Skyler’s Bedroom

Skyler: Where were you? Walt. I don't know what's been going on with you lately, but...

Walter: Nothing. I'm fine.

Skyler: Whatever it is, I'll tell you this. I do not like it when you don't talk to me. The worst thing you can do is shut me out. Walter, is that you?

Submitted and corrected by: Tv_Gal13