So how long you plan on us staying here playing house?
Did you see those kids' faces?
Do you see the way they looked at me?
I'm not supporting six kids.
We get the DNA results tomorrow.
It'll prove Liam's not Frank's.
ROBERTA: That way if this shithead changes his mind, he can't ever try and take Liam back. MONICA: Quiet.
Quiet. They're sleeping.
We are going to make a great family, baby.
I'm going to take care of you and Liam like Frank never could.
ROBERTA: Possession is 9/10th's of the law.
(squealing in distance)
FIONA: It's so quiet.
It's nice, right?
DEBBIE (over baby monitor): It has to be E-6.
It's the only spot left big enough for a carrier.
CARL: No, it's not...
(kids shouting) Monica didn't even bother to read to them or tuck them in.
She probably forgot to use Liam's ass cream, too.
DEBBIE: Yes, it is.
You're cheating again! CARL: No, I'm not!
FIONA: Carl, go back to your room.
Debbie, go to sleep.
School tomorrow. We're almost done.
You both brush your teeth?
DEBBIE AND CARL: Yes...!
Night, Fiona. Love you.
Love you, Fiona. FIONA: Love you, too.
And no reading under the covers.
Monica, Carl needs something from you.
Here. What? What's this?
LIP: Permission slip.
Oh. You're going to the aquarium!
When? CARL: Today.
I need ten dollars. What for?
School doesn't pay for that? LIP: No; and he'll need money for food.
Grab him an instant oatmeal and a Pop-Tart.
Makes a great lunch. Deb, what are you doing? I'm looking for a poster board and markers.
I'm running for re-election.
Ian, could you help her?
If you all would tell me these things the night before, it would be a little better in the morning.
I need 40 bucks. ROBERTA: No.
Bob, do you have a five?
In... in my wallet.
Where it's gonna stay.
Look, I need a new calculus textbook.
I can get it used; only costs 20.
IAN: Where are our lunches?
What is everybody looking at?
Start spreading peanut butter on bread.
Okay. Where's the jelly?
She can barely cook an egg.
She didn't even make them lunches.
Now she's got them leaving for school late while that fat lesbian sits on her ass doing nothing.
All right. It's freezing in here.
Go over and help out.
f*ck her! She's driving you crazy.
I'm fine. All right, then it's driving me crazy.
Believe me, I'll be back over there soon enough.
You get any sleep last night?
She left Carl at Oktoberfest until November.
This is a woman who burned a hole in Liam's footie pajamas when she fell asleep smoking while nursing.
She came back. She's a flake. Okay?
She never called.
She never came by.
She never sent those kids a f*cking birthday card!
Must've been hard when she left.
Destroyed the kids. I meant you.
I wept tears of joy.
We need a couch.
You should talk to a lawyer.
I can't keep food on the table, but I'm hiring a lawyer.
Just to find out what Monica can and can't do.
Here, you know what? I gotta get to work.
Hup! Catch! Wha...?
What's this? Your own cell phone.
I told you I don't want you buying me stuff.
It's what couples do.
(clicks his tongue)
Get us a couch.
We won't be here when you get home from school.
Fiona always tells us why.
None of your damn business why. Bob!
Your mother told you to go, so go!
MONICA: Out. Go on, guys. I'll catch up.
(Liam and Roberta giggle)
I don't care what the f*cking DNA test says.
You're not taking Liam.
We'll see about that.
Yeah, we will.
We having a problem, Phillip?!
I dunno... Bob!
Let's see. You're camped out in my house, you're f*cking my mother, and you're talking about stealing my baby brother.
Why would we have a problem?
Boy, I will kick your... Stop it! Hey!
And congratulations, Mom.
You always knew how to pick 'em.
We haven't had a chance to talk.
Don't worry about it.
No, I do.
I... Oh, geez.
I don't know where to start.
How to explain.
I worry about you.
I think about you all the time.
I miss you.
There's so much I want to ask you.
You were always so smart.
I know you can do anything.
I'm so sorry I hurt you.
(sobbing): Oh, look at me.
Next time you're thinking about dropping in, don't.
You've f*cked up our lives enough already.
Touched By An Angel marathon on the Hallmark Channel this weekend.
Ooh, I always liked that one. Mm-hmm.
Except the Irish lady. She's weird.
Gunsmoke marathon on TBS, too.
Think we could get it painted?
The car. Anything you want, Princess.
I am just so proud of you for deciding to go to the Purity Ball and letting me protect you the way Jesus intended, huh?
Have fun at school, sweetie. Bye, Mom.
I made Belgian crepes with raspberries, and there's a little maple syrup for you.
Uh, can't. I'm late.
Where you going?
I told you.
I'm picking up Monica, going to the city clerk's office, signing the settlement and getting the money.
You want me to get the money, don't you?
Is that the only reason?
Are you coming home for dinner?
Absolutely. You sure?
Yes, Yes. I'm late.
(car engine starts)
Thank God we're leaving tomorrow.
I don't think I can. Yes, you can.
These kids need me.
You didn't see Lip? How brokenhearted he was?
Oh, honey, he'll get over it.
We can't take Liam from his brothers and sisters.
He's coming with us.
No. The universe is giving me a sign.
An opportunity to be the mother I never could be.
I always felt guilty about leaving those kids.
I'm-I'm better now. I think I can handle it.
Look at me.
Monica! Look... Uh-uh.
Look at me.
When we met, you were like a beaten dog, barely hanging on by a thread.
I am stronger now.
But for how long if we stay here, baby?
For how long, hmm?
We're getting the DNA results, then we're leaving with Liam.
I hope I'm not interrupting a pajama party, Moni.
That's what you ladies do when you're together, right?
Pillow fights and the like?
You wish you had a dick as big as mine.
I am a man of ample girth and length.
If I seem unimpressive in my Wranglers, it's because I'm a grower, not a shower.
But trust me, when it's time to show, I grow.
Come on, Mrs. G.
Let's hit the road.
Frankie's got some moolah coming his way.
Change of plans, Frankie.
Monica's not signing those papers until you get Lip, Fiona and the kids on board with us taking Liam.
What? - Monica needs to know that the kids aren't going to hate her.
It's too late. They already hate her.
Don't push it, Frank.
We could be asking for the spousal support and half the settlement money.
MONICA: Next door.
She moved in with Steve.
Who the f*ck is Steve?
That time of the year again, Jasper?
Yeah, just like Christmas, Frank.
I know you've been naughty.
Stop following me.
Got my camcorder right here.
Just a matter of time before I catch you.
How's Mickey doing?
They still have him at the jail ward over at County.
You been over to visit him?
Those dyke guards pat you down like amateur gynecologists.
Couple of the Neighborhood Watch ladies came by the store, offered to throw him a parade.
Kash had better move his family back to Baghdad before Mickey gets out.
He's from Evanston.
Won't be nearly far enough.
It's a nice outfit.
What is that... uh, pirate wench?
What's your third period?
Think we need to miss some school.
Somebody bought Mr. Harris' house?
Windows aren't boarded up anymore.
Yeah. Somebody did.
Hope he can get the smell out.
Harris was dead on the toilet a long time before we found him.
What was that about?
You're good? sh1t!
Careful, careful, careful, careful.
Stop it! Ow! I got it. I got it.
Okay, girl power.
And down, down, down, down, down, down, down.
Oh. Oh. Oh, sorry.
FRANK: Nice couch.
What the hell, Frank?
Steve needs new locks.
You broke in? Living with the boyfriend.
What? She won't sign my settlement until you and the kids stop harassing her over Liam. We're not harassing her.
The boy needs to be with his mother.
He is with his mother till she decides to take off again.
You obviously don't care.
You've moved into this love nest.
I didn't move.
I'm staying here until your wife f*cks up.
What your mother and I decide to do with our son Liam is our business, Fiona, not yours.
I am getting that money!
I think he might be serious.
Hey, Frank. f*ck!
Sheila called and "is making your favorite dinner... pot roast."
Sheila's making you pot roast?
Oh, that's so sweet.
Oh, and hey, that Jasper guy was hanging around again, asking questions about you.
Aah! Wanted to know how you felt.
If you were back to work, that sort of thing.
f*cking disability guy.
He's outside right now.
Been following me around all morning.
I told him you were training for a marathon.
Every year that shithead tries to trip me up, stop my disability check.
I finally get some luck, and this douche with a video cam has to show up.
You don't have any luck.
Settlement money. Thank you.
If I can get Monica away from Rosie Greer long enough to sign the goddamn thing!
Yeah, well, my guess... Bob won't let Monica out of her sight.
She did look beautiful, though, didn't she?
Really keeping herself up.
Yeah, what about, uh, Sheila and the pot roast?
She's like mouth herpes... the gift that keeps on giving.
No. Monica is my soul mate.
We just click.
Two lesbians at home and the promise of cash.
Maybe your luck has changed, Frank.
What are we looking for?
How to override parental rights.
We thinking DCFS or attorneys?
I should have done this when I turned 18.
Frank was so broken after Monica left, he would have signed anything.
He'll fight for you when you can't fight for yourself.
Asian cowboy? Don't think so.
Oh, what about that lady?
The one that helped get Carl and Debbie back when Frank locked them in that car at Indian bingo.
Is this her?
Looks like she just sh1t in her pants.
There's one. Christine Dowling.
And she looks like she might actually have a law degree.
Let's call her.
IAN: Where'd you get the car?
LIP: Borrowed it from Steve.
Been working with him a bit.
Oh, better not let Fiona find out about it, or she'll kill you... and him.
You doing okay?
Lot going on.
Yeah. It's weird having Monica back.
Yeah. Yeah, that, too.
What? Something else?
It's kind of hard to explain.
Mickey's gay, and we're doing it.
And Kash shot Mickey because of me, but Mickey would rather go to juvie than admit he's gay.
So, I'm doing both Kash and Mickey.
Well, not so much Kash lately.
But when Kash and me were hot and heavy, Linda found out about it, and is blackmailing Kash into having another kid.
IAN: Here they come.
I think I'm gonna go see him today.
He's in jail awaiting sentencing.
I want to know what I have to do to adopt my toddler brother and possibly my other siblings, as well, and raise them as my own.
Are both your parents still alive?
Okay, well, you're talking about vacating their parental rights and becoming legal guardian of how many?
Oh, that's a lot of kids.
You know, the law's pretty strict regarding parental rights.
You'd need to prove incompetence.
Do you have a case?
How much time do you have?
I have a folder.
You got a folder. Okay.
Well, it looks like your mother...
...Monica left a couple of years ago?
21 and a half months.
Is she back now?
And your father, Frank Gallagher...
Wow. He's a live one.
Uh, do you make federal poverty level wages for a family of six?
How much is that?
30 grand a year or so.
So you don't earn enough money to support them, and we'd have to prove your parents incompetent?
Listen, I know it bites the big one, but the best case scenario is the county places your brothers and sisters in foster care while you and your father fight over custody.
Mrs. Gallagher? MONICA: Yeah.
Thank you. Yeah.
Frank's the father.
How the f*ck is this possible?
I don't know.
I always thought I got pregnant when I did E with that bouncer at the Zebra Lounge.
I-I woke up naked.
The law's still on our side.
You're the mother.
So, we find Frank today, tell him we'll sign his settlement papers in exchange for him signing over his parental rights.
After that, there ain't a damn thing Fiona can do about it.
Come on, Monica.
He's not ruining my f*cking family.
I swear to God, he's not going to take my son away from me.
f*ck this sh1t!
They look unhappy.
Two women who just left must not have not been happy with the news they got, huh?
Oh, yeah. Happens.
Had a guy last month hang himself from a pipe in the men's room.
So, can I help you?
Yeah, uh, I think, uh...
I think maybe you can.
How long you gonna keep this up, Jasper?
Well, as long as it takes this time.
Insurer is sick and tired of paying you.
They know you're faking.
Gonna pay me a thousand bucks for proving it.
FRANK (calls): Monica!
I talked to Fiona!
Doesn't live here anymore.
I think I broke my arm.
It hurts a lot.
That one? Yeah.
Ow! What the...?!
Go get your bike.
You sure you're ready for this?
Hell, yeah. I mean, just 'cause Liam's Frank's doesn't mean the rest of us are.
All right, it says here all we have to do is... swab our own cheeks and send it back in.
Yeah, and pay them 150 bucks each.
On the off chance we're not related to Frank, it's totally worth it.
It's actually pretty cool... there's a lot of sh1t we can figure out about ourselves in there.
Yeah, like, uh, if we got the alcoholic gene from Frank.
Yeah, or the dummy gene from Monica.
Or if any of us is gonna turn out to be gay.
I think you broke his arm.
Can I go to the hospital now?
(quietly): Just give me a couple of more yells first.
Oh, my boy!
That roast smells amazing.
Don't get any ideas, it's not for you.
Frank's not coming back. He's with his wife now.
I know how disappointed you get when nobody's here to eat your wonderful meals.
Where is my dress?
Come on, sweet girl.
SHEILA: It's so good. Okay...
Okay, let me get the side zipper. KAREN: Okay.
SHEILA (whispering): You look beautiful.
You... you look stunning.
I am so proud of you.
All right, Eddie.
Why don't you just join us for dinner before you both go to the Purity Ball?
I'll just... save a plate for Frank.
Thanks for putting money in my commissary account.
I was running low on smokes.
Not me. Kash.
I told him you might still press charges.
I don't know. Supposed to be a year, right?
Maybe only a couple months if I don't do anything stupid.
Like stab that fat f*ckin' mick who keeps trying to steal my Jell-O!
Who? Me? Yeah!
I, I miss you.
You say that again, I'll rip your tongue out of your head.
Take your hand off the glass. Oh.
♪ Yes, I found her buried underneath ♪
(siren begins to wail)
♪ The ground, shaking as she weeps... ♪
(garbled police radio transmission)
Good evening, Officer. Is everything okay?
I don't know. Is it?
Oh. Hey. Tony, how you doing?
So... did I do something wrong?
Low tire? No, no, no, uh, congratulations on the new house.
Yeah, yeah, nice little fixer-upper in the neighborhood.
Hear the neighbors can be loud, though, lots of kids.
Fiona's a good girl. The best.
Known her since we were in Head Start. Long time, you know?
Just... drive carefully.
You don't want to get hurt down here.
Mm, this is good.
So, I'm just curious about what happens at the Purity Ball tonight.
Well, it's a Christian event designed to strengthen the bond between fathers and daughters.
We make a covenant.
Of purity. Like an oath? And then we exchange promise rings and, uh, we do some chastity prayers. It's fun.
Do they have these, um, balls for young men?
Why would they?
Ready to smile?
Aw. Oh, that's so nice!
One more, one more.
One more, one more. Oh, come on.
It's so nice.
Hey, you're back!
FRANK: Oh, hell yeah.
Showed that Jasper a thing or two.
b*st*rd's going to be begging me not to sue him.
Let us have a bottle of your good stuff.
I've got some money coming.
You know, when you die, I'm gonna go to your funeral and I'm gonna sing a song. It goes, ♪ I got money coming ♪
Bet you wish you'd had that vasectomy by now, huh?
Just thought you'd want to know Carl's all right.
They re-set his arm.
LIP: Yeah, so please stay on your barstool, and just keep drinking.
Let's just do what we came here to do.
If you're looking for money, I don't have any yet.
Your mom still hasn't signed my settlement papers.
I don't know where she's been all day.
She's been getting Liam's DNA results.
Congratulations, you're still the father.
Are you serious?
Ooh. I thought that was always a rumor about Nana Gallagher having an affair with that sax player.
Promise you won't sign anything forfeiting parental rights.
Come on! You know what a bad mother Monica is.
I'm just letting her pretend that she can have him so I can get my settlement.
What if she doesn't give up that easy? No, no.
No, this is a win-win situation.
I mean, even if she takes him for just a little while, she'll be back.
Crying about her low self-esteem, or how boys actually need their fathers, or pen1s grief.
FRANK: That's when you wake up in the middle of the night and you look at the person next to you, and you say, "Somebody help me! I just f*cked a lady."
I've never asked you for anything. Ever.
Oh, come on. Will you please give me some time with this?
I can do this, I, just don't pressure me.
I've gotta walk away.
What? - If I don't walk away, I'm going to f*cking hit him.
What the hell?
If you do this, you are on your own, and I'm not kidding.
I'm done. I'm gone.
FRANK: Bullshit. You'll never leave those monkeys, you love them too much.
Before we begin, let me just say how proud we are of your desire to re-purify.
My daughters participated, and now, although still single, are enjoying very spirit-filled lives.
Would you like to start?
Last year when I was singing madrigal, I started dating a boy in the choir.
He said we were dating, but we never met outside of our make-out sessions in the rehearsal hall.
I repeatedly let him touch me on my breasts, through my shirt and bra.
And once, I felt his... his rod touch my leg.
This is so embarrassing. I can't believe I let him do this.
I'm so sorry. RANDY: Thank you, Patty.
I want to thank you for your courage to confront your struggles with desire.
My name is Elaine, and I only touched one... pen1s.
If I didn't, I was going to get hit with a pipe.
God, why did you let my daughter become a slave to the flesh?
I was going to get hit with a pipe!
STEVE: So the lawyer said there's nothing you can do?
If we sue, it could backfire. Make things worse.
(knock at door)
Jesus. This place still smells like old man Harris.
What did Monica want?
She wants us to come over for dinner.
Some kind of a family meeting.
FIONA (scoffs): Family?
f*cking load of sh1t.
You told her we know Liam is Frank's?
You have any pot?
I think if I have to go see Mom conscious, I might actually commit a violent felony. LIP: That's the first time in a long time I've heard you call her Mom.
I don't know if I ever really felt like she was my mom.
Ian and I got our DNA tests done.
I don't know, got excited at the idea of not being Frank's, and if none of us are his, then you'd have a much easier time becoming our legal guardians.
Lip's gonna pick up the results in about an hour.
...here's to you not being Frank's.
My actions have been unladylike and base in nature, and for that I am truly sorry.
In order for you to receive the full gift of purity, you need to be as honest as you can.
It's okay, sweetheart.
Just tell what happened.
Um, well, okay.
I started having oral s*x at a very young age, maybe 13.
It was guys around the neighborhood... three or four at first and then, well, more than three or four.
I didn't have intercourse until the eighth grade.
I didn't like it at first, but then around the sixth time, it started to feel good, really good, but I didn't feel good about it.
Um, there was a few times where I got high and started experimenting with guys and girls at the same time.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an orgy, but there were a lot of naked body parts flying around, which felt very good but kind of bad all at the same time.
And then there was the time at Mindy Carlson's sleepover when we all got in the shower and started soaping each other up, and then her mom walked in and freaked out when she saw Mindy in the shower with a big, black strap-on dildo.
Whores don't get cars!
There, I hope everybody's hungry.
There you go, Ian, it's your favorite.
What is it?
Carl, could you start passing the salad, please?
ROBERTA: Monica is Liam's mother, and I know you won't be happy, but... Jesus, Bob, can we just enjoy our dinner and then talk after...?
Talk about what?
Had something to do.
He's not coming?
Sorry I-I'm late.
Did I miss the chow?
Ooh... looks good.
If you called us here to tell us that you're taking Liam and leaving again, we don't want to hear it. Fiona, you're upset, I get it.
I was married to Frank for 18 years.
I know, it's like swallowing broken glass every day.
Oh, Lip, wonderful. We just started.
Your mother said 6:30.
You lose your watch?
I don't have a watch, Bob.
What's the news?
Haven't opened it yet. Figured we should do it together.
Me and Ian decided to get our DNA tests done, too, on the off chance that maybe we aren't Frank's kids.
Yeah. We figured why should you and Bob get to have all the fun?
You are not Frank Gallagher's son.
Sweetie, you're back from the ball so soon?
He promised me the f*cking car!
Karen, sweetie, what's going on?
I'm so proud of you!
You remind me of my first communion!
He humiliated me!
He made me think he loved me!
Honestly, sweetie, I don't know.
There was that week in the summer of '95 that I did a lot of PCP.
And I... You did PCP?
You promised we would do that together!
Excuse me. Can we get back to who Ian's father is?
I like the idea of Monica cheating on Frank, you know?
It really keeps my image of you right on track, Mom.
Will somebody please tell me what we're talking about?
All right, the results say that you, Frank, are absolutely not my father.
But my father is a close relative, most likely one of your brothers.
Dad has brothers?
He has two, right?
LIP: You know, I think I met the one that sells smoked sausage and razor blades out of the trunk of his car.
I-I honestly don't know.
Are we still related?
Of course you are.
Not only did you lie to me about the PC, you f*cked my brother! What's next?
You gonna take up with a black lady/man?
Oh, I forgot, that's already happened.
How can we get back together now?
I have never, ever had any intention of getting back together with you, Frank.
For Chrissake, you only tricked me into coming here to get some settlement money!
I wanted to see you again.
So you pretended that she won a teddy bear?
You know how much I love teddy bears.
You and Monica are over, Frank.
Me and Monica are getting married.
Aah! She's still married to me.
Not for long. She's getting a divorce.
You two are still married?
How can two ladies get married?
Penetration isn't required for s*x to occur.
What? It's legal now in several states.
ROBERTA: Divorce, Frank.
You owe her at least that much.
What about what she owes me?!
She gonna leave me again with six kids?
Leave me to deal with all the sh1t?
You mean leave me to deal with the sh1t.
MONICA: I didn't leave you!
You drove me out!
No self-respecting person could stay with you, Frank!
You treated me like a dog! You...
You need to let us raise Liam.
I don't care what the test results say.
Liam belongs with us!
Nobody's taking Liam!
I can't believe you want a divorce.
Me and Bob deserve a family of our own.
You had a family! You left it!
I didn't leave you! He drove me out!
You should have protected us!
I tried, but I couldn't!
Fiona, if I didn't leave, I would have died!
Oh, cut the sh1t, Myrna Loy.
You have no idea what it was like being married to him.
You have no idea how bad it is!
Yeah? Try me.
Oh, come on now!
Okay, I know that he tortured you.
I know that he ruined you, but we didn't marry him, Mom.
If you love us, any of us in any way, you'll leave Liam, take your girlfriend, get in your truck and never come back.
I love you...
What's the matter with you?
She tell you?
She tell you what she said?
You called our daughter a whore.
How about what she did to me?!
Get out. Out.
What...? Just get out!
Get out! Did she mention what she did to me?!
You understand? Get out!
She's a human being!
She deserves love, not hate!
You weren't there. I know all those people?
What's the matter with you?! Don't ever come back!
Just keep going on and on! Don't ever come back! Go!
Get out! Don't ever come back!
Frank! Frank, did you see what Eddie did to my Karen?
You're out of the house.
You're out of the house.
I got so mad, I-I-I came out of the house.
I'm out of the house! I'm out of the house!
Look at me! Hello!
What are they doing?
Looks like packing.
What about Liam?
I can't tell through the window.
We could call the police.
Tell 'em Liam's being kidnapped.
Hey, we're gonna figure this sh1t out, okay?
No matter what.
Hey, guys, they-they're coming out.
And Mrs. Gallagher.
♪ Are you ready, tell me are you ready, baby? ♪
Mrs. Gallagher, how do you pronounce your first name?
You-you can't do that! That's my money!
That is... Wait a second! That's my money!
I blow you for nothing!