02x05 - Father's Day

Hey, for those of you that missed last week's episode, I got really drunk, and I don't really remember what happened after that.

Kevin: Nobody's heard from Eddie?

Frank: Not a word.

Eddie goes down to the corner for a pack of Lucky's, never heard from again.

What you looking at?

Malik?

Are you looking at Malik?

Hoping you can tell me a little bit about West Point.

What's a kid got to do to get in?

Suck my dick.

I'm Little Hank.

I'm Debbie.

Tell me about Hank.

He's cute, isn't he?

You're drinking my booze!

I thought you were kidding.

Hey, guys.

Jasmine: Maybe I could hook you two up.

This is Richard, who you wanted to meet.

Hi, Richard.

And when Richard does call, just say yes. He's a good one.

What are you doing this weekend?

Something deplorable, I'm sure.

Do you want to come with me to a wedding?

I'd love to show you off.

Thank you.

Is that a yes?

Yes.

Hey, you okay?

Stay the f*ck away from Jody.

And stay the f*ck away from this baby!

(Screaming)

Thank you.

♪ think of all the luck you got ♪
♪ know that it's not for naught ♪
♪ you were beaming once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ what is this downside ♪
♪ that you speak of? ♪
♪ what is this feeling ♪
♪ you're so sure of? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ you were willing once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ what is this downside ♪
♪ that you speak of? ♪
♪ what is this feeling ♪
♪ you're so... ♪
♪ sure of? ♪

(Anchor chain rattling)

(Indistinct chatter, music playing)

(Rattling)

(Laughter and chatter)

(Water running) Still in there?

You told Carl to bring in money for the winter squirrel fund.

I didn't tell him to rent out Frank's room.

Dad rented it first to that Chinese lady.

The minute you kids start following Frank's example is the minute I put a gun in my mouth.

How did you expect Carl to get cash?

All you got to do is swallow this.

She moved her stuff in after you left for work.

You know what time Lip got home last night?

(Gasps)

You need a new razor.

Ew!

He rented the room to a hooker?

Carl said she works checkout at the Jewel-Osco.

That's why they call her Double Bag Bev.

She doesn't work there, and that's not why they call her that.

Carl!

Hi, Little Hank.

Hey, I want her out of the house now.

$75 a week.

We'll charge a buck a peek.

Ten if she's working.

(Drill whirring) Carl!

No peepholes.

(Ringtone plays)

Hi. Kind of in the middle of something.

(Drill whirs) Ahh!

Richard: Okay.

I wanted to make sure that we were still on before I got my nails done.

Still on.

Your boss at the club give you a hard time for taking the night off?

What's he gonna do, fire me?

I'm probably out of a job in two weeks when they close the outdoor deck.

Well, I want you to know that, um, even though a wedding date is customarily guaranteed s*x, you're under no obligation.

Good to know.

Just because society expects us to.

All of society, huh?

I can pick you up.

Where do you live?

Got any Vagisil?

I've been scratching under the hood all night.

My address is 11509 Lake Shore Drive.

See you at 2:30.

Right.

Lake Shore Drive?

(Door closes) (Sighs)

What's for breakfast?

Cleaned the puke off the porch.

That you?

Better outside than in.

You're welcome.

What the hell is that?

Bacon bits.

Rad, huh?

(Knocking)

They're for mom.

Think she'll come out today?

(Knocking) Not likely.

Airplane wheel missed her by an inch.

Friendly skies, indeed.

(Knocking)

Mrs. Jackson home?

(Knocking)

Frank: Sheils?

Who is it? (Groans)

Me. Frank.

(Sighs)

The bedpan is full.

Cops are downstairs.

They found Eddie.

Oh. Where was he, at his brother's in Bridgeport?

Michiana?

Bottom of Lake Michigan.

(Knocking)

Mm... perfect timing.

Mm.

Hey, babe.

(Takes deep breath)

(Exhales)

Where's that morning wood?

Your dad's dead.

(Laughs) Nice try, but that doesn't turn me on anymore.

Really. Your-your dad.

I'm not gonna stay down here forever, so stop talking about my f*cking dad and get your dick hard.

Out of milk; Bev wants breakfast.

Oh, come on. What about all those house-sitting jobs?

We got any Virginia Slims?

Let's try the neighbors.

If we get bloody-mary mix, Bev promised she'd show us a tit.

Little Hank-- what does he like?

What's he into?

I don't know. Stuff.

Why?

What stuff?

Knives, blunts, commandos, switchblades, butterflies.

Where can I get knives and blunts?

Alley behind the OTB. Ask for Raoul, but bring a rag.

Sometimes he doesn't bother to wipe the blood off the blades.

Carl's boarder. Put in a load a couple minutes ago.

(Sighs)

Lip up?

(Sighs)

(Fan whirring)

Everyone's wondering if you've got PTSD.

Late night working in the ice cream truck.

So Karen knocked up's got nothing to do with the hermit thing?

(Sighs)

Pass me my shirt?

What was it about her that first caught your eye?

Um....

Easy, convenient and low-maintenance.

Why?

Think I could be easy, convenient and low-maintenance?

This about Little Hank?

Look, I caught him trying to steal our toaster the other day.

Pint-sized klepto will be in juvie before you get your first kiss.

The heart wants what the heart wants.

Do I have to explain that to you of all people?

Afraid it's not just about being easy and convenient, Debs.

It's, uh, chemical.

Pheromones, a person's scent.

You know? You can't fake it.

Hey. Finally up.

Smoke?

Yup.

You know there's a prostitute in Frank's room?

Double bag Bev. Needed a place to stay. Win-win.

Yeah, as long as you can't catch AIDS from a washing machine.

Mm. They got drugs for that now.

It's like a cold.

(Scoffs)

She's single-handedly catapulting Carl into puberty.

Yeah, well, at least she's not bringing her work home, right?

She better not.

And no more washing machine freebies.

If she charges by the load, so can we.

(Clears throat)

Talk to Karen?

Why would I?

Look, it could be anyone's kid.

Uh, Owen Lindquist, the guy on Wolcott with the lazy eye and the Mustang.

Frank.

You use protection?

She's on the pill.

Yeah, so she said.

How many times you sleep with her?

What, you keep count?

Ballpark. How many times a week?

Six, seven.

Yeah, for what, like, eight months?

That's...

Round 224.

And what about other guys?

Ten sound about right?

That's 20 to one odds.

You're the one who takes book. You like those odds?

If you're gonna yell at me, go ahead.

I'm not your mother.

So what are you gonna do?

I'm not taking care of another kid.

Sheils?

Even Osama had to come out of his cave every once in a while.

And look what happened to him.

I get it.

So many emotions to process.

I... am...

Here... 100%.

Whatever you need.

He was the father of my baby.

I...

You grieve, and leave mundane matters to me.

Eddie's affairs-- pension, insurance, things like that.

Just tell me where the paperwork is, and I will...

Oh, Frank, why would something like this happen?

Nothing could make his eternal slumber more peaceful than knowing that you (voice breaking): And Karen were properly taken care of.

The papers aren't in the file cabinet.

I checked.

Do you think he felt any pain?

Oh. (Cries)

The important thing is, I'm sure he was the kind of father who provided for his family.

(Crying)

I just need his social security number.

(Crying): Poor Eddie.

(Cries)

(Crying)

Jonah and I are off to the playground.

Anybody offers you candy, that's code for crack.

Apple jacks, crunch 'n munch, hotcakes, jellybeans, fries, caviar, crackers, dip-- all crack.

Say, "no, thank you." Got it. I'll go tell Malik.

Malik?

We're having a play date.

Sounds more like a date date.

I know what goes on in the playground besides hopscotch and middle-aged men jacking off.

That kid's a player.

He's the best player!

He showed me an old basketball game on TV last night, and I learned so much.

Did you know that Chinese people can grow to be seven feet tall?

Last night? He skipped the game?

Malik: Hey, ready to bounce, E?

Hey, Ms. V.

You don't skip out on your team unless you're lying in a hospital bed with an iv drip and a bullet in your spine.

The game last night?

We didn't have no game.

Kev said there was a game.

Nah, you got it twisted.

Next game's tomorrow.

Hey, let's get ghost.

Okay.

Later, miss V.

On the house?

I'm in mourning.

Freebies for family only, Frank.

Then start the mother of all tabs.

Once Eddie's life insurance money kicks in, moderation's gonna be a thing of the past.

Moderation?

How much you talking about?

City life. Got to be 50k at least.

A toast-- to Eddie Jackson.

(Applause and cheering) Who had the foresight to take care of those he loved.

Kevin: I wouldn't celebrate just yet, Frank.

You're not the only one interested in Eddie's life insurance.

Police are asking a lot of questions.

(Police radio chatter)

So?

Eddie was weighed down with a cement block.

So?

So, everyone here heard Eddie threaten to kill you.

Threaten me, not the other way around.

Murder's not my bag.

I don't have the constitution. Blood makes me queasy.

And I didn't plant that pipe bomb down at the mosque, but it was on my route, so the pigs got a warrant.

Never would have found the videos otherwise.

I served 18 goddamn months.

If Curtis didn't want his wife filmed naked, he shouldn't have left the blinds open when he took her out of her wheelchair to change her diaper.

You got any skeletons, Frank?

None that come to mind.

Identity theft.

Simple misunderstanding.

Endangering the welfare of a child, human trafficking, drug running, medicaid fraud, disability fraud, mail fraud...

The longer they look, the more they'll find.

♪ ♪

(Clattering)

What are you doing wearing my top?

Pheromones. I'm borrowing them.

Pheromones?

It's the thing boys like about you.

You mean tits?

Think you might be a year or two off.

What does Holly Herkimer have that I don't?

Besides HPV?

You get to dress up.

It's going back, tomorrow.

(Sighs)

Put the top back. No more playing dress-up, okay?

Hymen stays intact.

♪ ♪

(Short siren blast)

Ian.

Come here, son.

Daddy needs an alibi for a few months ago.

Carl. And I can't.

Bev said her moneymaker's on fire.

Bev?

Son, I need your help.

Not really in the mood to bail your ass out right now.

(Chuckles)

I got a problem.

Karen's pregnant.

What's Lip gonna do? He's the last person I thought would be that stupid.

You really think the carpet bombing's necessary?

Kev lied to me. I checked the team schedule-- there was no game last night.

And then this.

"Warts to like..."

Something...

"I want to lick every inch of your body."

That E's backwards. I found that in Kev's pocket.

The anniversary of our first date is next week, and this is how he celebrates-- f*cking an illiterate.

Cheating?

Probably that Michelle Maloney.

Tits like Katy Perry, and her head hasn't been right since she started huffing butane.

Don't jump to conclusions.

He makes most of his tips with flirts at the bar.

Or Val Krinsky. Bitch spelled "Chicago" with an "S" on her McDonald's application.

New dress?

For the night.

Oh. Tag gun?

Broke. Carl used it on a possum.

Just... tuck it. Old school.

Need heels.

How high?

Something that can pass for wedding formal.

And get me to the el without breaking an ankle.

Prick's not coming to pick you up?

Meeting him on the North Side.

North Side?

He's under the impression I live on Lake Shore Drive.

Mm, how'd he get that impression?

I might have given him Adam's address.

It sounded a lot better than the alternative.

As long as you don't run into Adam.

He's out of the country, raping some emerging market.

Any chance moneybags airlifts you out of the ghetto?

More likely he's got a girl in every port.

Piece of work.

Kev'd never cheat on you.

Go talk to him. Clear it up.

That's the Gallagher sperm.

Ambitious, relentless-- everything we're not once we're born.

Like heat-seeking, baby-making guided missiles.

Won't be long before the whole country's nothing but Mexicans and Gallaghers.

Son... it's time we had the talk.

Little late for that, huh?

Different talk. She gonna keep it?

Looks like it.

(Whistles)

(Crying)

Big responsibility, being a parent.

Is that right?

That's what I'm trying to tell you.

My philosophy. You got to let kids learn for themselves.

You mean, fend for themselves?

You give a man a fish, you've fed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish, you've fed him for a lifetime.

I raise fishermen.

The best gift you can give, neglect.

Neglect fosters self-reliance.

Now, do the right thing.

Split.

Not our fault she was careless.

Now, I need an alibi for Eddie Jackson's murder.

Why, did you kill him?

No.

Eddie's dead?

Yep.

Hey, does Karen know?

You got to swear we were on a camping trip, a long weekend in Wisconsin.

Hey, well, Ian, watch Liam.

We were on a camping trip...

Perjure myself? Yeah, that'll look great on my West Point application.

Try Mandy's dad. I hear lying to cops is his specialty.

Hiya, Phil.

♪ ♪

(Liam cries)

And one day the entire family will be reunited in the Garden Of Eden.

Oh, like heaven?

No, it's in Missouri.

Oh.

Eden's got a lot of meth-heads.

(Chuckles)

So, um, they trip when you got pregnant?

Oh, no, we've been trying for months.

Really? My great-grandpas beat me with a dustbuster.

Why would God make us physically ready if he didn't want us to have children?

True that.

That's what my sister-wives told me while they held me down.

For Clyde, my husband.

They were right.

I-it stopped hurting after the first couple dozen times.

And once you get past that razor-blade-slicing-you from-the-inside sensation, you feel much closer to God.

Wait, they held you down?

Clyde wanted to do it himself, but he was much too weak.

Rheumatoid arthritis.

I hope someone takes care of him.

Don't you think Clyde deserves that?

Uh, for sure.

I would do it myself, but he's in prison.

Oh, my pop's in prison.

Two aunts, six or seven uncles.

(Baby coughing) Jonah baby, what's the matter?

(Crying) Hey, Jonah baby, what's the matter?

Veronica: Hey, baby.

Hey, babe. Nice surprise.

Had an idea.

Since you've been so busy lately, date night.

I love it.

I'll cook.

Tomorrow?

Can't tomorrow. Got a game.

Two games in three nights? Didn't you just have one last night? Or did I get that mixed up?

No, I had a game last night.

I didn't tell you?

Oh, V, you should've been there.

Down two, three seconds left.

See, most coaches play for overtime.

I coach from my sack.

I had the fat Nicaraguan kid set a pick for Malik.

What? Swish.

Three-pointer. Mm!

Unbelievable.

I know.

It was a hell of a game.

(Knocking)

Lip.

Yeah. Karen home?

What do you want?

Need an alibi for your dad?

I didn't kill the shithead.

Really? Maybe it was Frank.

Where you headed?

None of your f*cking business.

Cemetery. Picking out a plot.

Wow. Can't wait to get the asshole in the ground, huh?

Doing it for mom.

Mm.

Well, hey, you really want to get back at him?

Go at it on his grave, you know?

It's a great way to send him off.

(Chuckles) Bad enough he'll be spending eternity downwind from the slaughterhouse.

That's a good point. Cosmic payback.

(Laughs)

Hey, hey, hey.

Um...

So, boy or a girl?

He's either got a tiny pen1s or a huge clit.

Well, hey, no more drinking, all right?

Remember Connie Lumbard?

She spent her pregnancy on a stool at the Alibi.

Four years later, her boy's stabbing other kids with a fork.

Didn't help her husband was in Iraq, but...

Kids need a father.

Jody and I got hitched.

What?

Married.

We couldn't wait.

Congratulations.

(Sighs) Ah, he loves kids.

We're gonna turn the basement into a nursery.

All set, then.

All set.

♪ ♪

Hey. Sorry.

I was waiting outside. I didn't see you.

Yeah, I couldn't find your name.

I'm subletting.

Wow. Is that banal? To say "wow"?

Works for me.

I love the dress, but...

It's missing something.

I thought you might want to borrow this for the afternoon.

There you go.

Still, wow.

(Laughs) - Okay.

Private jet was in the shop?

No, I didn't want to overdo it.

Thank you.

Kevin: Two of my famous grilled cheesies.

Hey, how about I watch Jonah later?

I feel like we need a dudes' night in.

How about that? Me and you-- pizza, beer, Barney?

You can go to the Independence Day barbecue.

Isn't that in July?

End of every August, celebrate the day Dawn Saakashvili nail-gunned her husband to death in his sleep.

She went to prison for 20 to life, but her kids didn't go to school with welts anymore.

You and Malik have a good time.

I'm spoken for.

Oh.

That's too bad. He's totally into you.

Oh. He say something?

Doesn't have to.

It's obvious.

It's a shame I didn't meet him when I was 11.

Uh, Kevin?

You know, it's great you and Ethel hanging out together.

What's wrong with me?

What?

Ethel's got a boy into her, and she already has a husband.

You're a guy. Don't spare my feelings.

You got a crush, too?

He doesn't even notice me.

Well, that may be your problem.

You sure you're sending strong enough signals?

I-I've tried.

Guys are pretty dumb.

Sometimes you have to put something shiny in the window to get them in the store.

You're not gonna slap me, are you?

No.

Usually, after Veronica asks me to level with her, she slaps me.

Uh, stronger signals. Thanks, Kevin.

(Knocks)

Karen: Mom?

Hi!

How was the cemetery?

Here.

(Gasps): Oh!

"Eternal Serenity."

Oh, that's a lovely casket.

Star of David's detachable.

So that's nice.

What is it?

(Heavy sigh)

They... started digging the hole.

Yeah.

Sweetheart, are you sad he's gone?

(Sobbing): No, I hate him.

Oh, it's okay.

Maybe just a little bit.

Why? It's not like...

If he were here, he'd apologize.

Fix it, make it like it used to be.

(Whispers): It's better this way.

You know, he's gonna miss out.

In what?

The best grandkid ever.

(Laughs) And you know what the best grandkid ever needs?

The coolest nursery ever.

Starting with the crib.

Look, sweetie.

How adorable is that?

Crib done!

Look at this.

See? It's a little moses basket.

(Laughs) We have to get that!

And I saved the best for last. Look it.

Baby lojack.

So no one can take him in the middle of the night.

(Sniffles)

♪ ♪

Heard you could help me.

Just disfigurement, or you want the whole nine yards?

Need an alibi.

Mm.

Figure we say we were camping.

You a retard?

What?

No.

Retards say they went camping.

Know where they go next? Prison.

Where they get ass-slammed by other retards.

How you gonna document a camping trip?

f*cking call a raccoon as your witness?

(Men chuckling)

We were at Fort Wayne. Gun show.

You bought a crossbow. Seller remembers you.

Got the receipt, date, time stamped.

You can get doctored security footage, too.

You're good. How much?

Fifteen hundred.

Eighty?

This ain't a negotiation, shithead.

Family discount.

You ain't f*ckin' family.

Our kids are practically hitched.

Money up front, all of it.

Or f*ck off.

I can get it.

Then you'll be off the hook.

Your scratch.

♪ ♪


Wow.

Yeah, and this is the weekend place.

Feel bad for the bride.

Why?

She's not going to be the prettiest girl at her own wedding.

Whose wedding is this?

It's my college roommate.

What's he do?

Make rich people richer.

Parks!

Oh, Jesus, Garvin, what, did Geithner let you escape the fed for a day in the middle of this mess?

Ah, had to see Aaron take the plunge for the second time with your own eyes?

Yeah, well, one more and he's caught up with Gingrich.

Yeah.

Who's this?

Uh, Fiona, Greg.

Fellow Princeton tiger.

Only you would show up with a girl like this while the rest of us have to go home to our kids.

So when did you graduate?

Actually, I'm, I'm going to be a senior.

Oh.

I hate you.

I lived in Rockefeller. You?

Off campus.

What about freshman and sophomore year?

Rented a house with some friends.

Hey, we'll catch up at cocktail hour.

Yeah.

Huh?

Uh, are we early?

No. Why?

There's not many people.

Second wedding for both-- keeping it small, which means we should, uh, mingle.

I'll need this first.

After you.

I got an alibi.

I got an alibi.

Hey, hey!

(Whistles)

Hey, I do have--

I have an alibi.

This is the way you treat hardworking Americans?

If I were brown and hated this country, the goddamn ACLU would be all over this place.

I didn't kill Eddie.

I was in Ohio.

You see that detective?

The bull dyke?

She's the investigating officer.

She's put 11 men on death row.

Detective, I'm innocent; I can prove it.

I didn't do anything, I swear.

Predatory criminal sexual assault of a child.

30 years.

I'm gonna go talk to the victim's mother.

Let's see if she agrees you didn't do anything.

♪ ♪
♪ shoop... shoop ♪
♪ when you told me ♪
♪ I had the only key ♪
♪ that opened the door to your heart ♪
♪ oh, yeah, when you promised me ♪
♪ no one else you'd see ♪
♪ your love was for me and me alone ♪
♪ oh, Eddie, I'm gonna make you a one-woman's man ♪
♪ and I know that I can be ♪ a mother, a lover, and a friend. ♪

(Rattling)

f*ck.

Woman: Thank you.

Okay, bye-bye.

Crying jag is finally over.

Ugh, our poor sitter.

Emma gets hysterical any time we leave her.

Consider yourself lucky.

I took my oldest back-to-school shopping.

She insisted I drop her off.

Wouldn't be seen with me.

How old?

Nine.

Just wait-- couple years, she'll be borrowing your clothes and willing her breasts to grow.

Oh, f*ck me.

(Laughter)

My little sister's 11.

Tampons and birth control just around the corner.

Oh, God help us.

(Laughter)

Uh, I need you just for a second.

Excuse us, ladies.

That's for you.

I saw you drowning in there.

Thanks, but your radar's off.

Oh, really?

Well, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to whisk you away from all the fun.

Where are you taking me?

I want to offer you a tour of the house before the nuptials.

I want to show you something cool.

Are we allowed up here?

Well, hey, I know Aaron's dad.

He's the white guy.

Thanks.

Mm-hmm.

Foremost urologist in the country.

He's seen every president's dick since Eisenhower, mm-hmm.

Who takes a picture with their urologist?

Listen, if a man has your testicles in his grip, you'll do whatever he asks.

Little known fact--

Gerald Ford was hung like a bear.

You're really bad at flirting, you know that?

What makes you think I'm trying to flirt?

Huh, getting me liquored up and alone?

Oh, yeah, nothing closes the deal like deceased heads of state.

Thought I was under no obligation to sleep with you.

Oh, well, I was kind of hoping that you'd just want to.

Who says I don't?

(Wagner's "Bridal Chorus" playing in distance)

Wedding's starting.

(Knocking)

Hi, Holly.

What's with the makeup?

I'm sending stronger signals.

Did I leave my underwear in your brother's room?

It was my lucky pair.

Didn't see it.

You want to hang out later at the barbecue?

I'm busy.

Lip'll be there.

He wants to double.

He said that?

Yeah.

You, Lip, me, Little Hank.

Great, well, you can keep that Little Hank perv off my back.

Meet up with you there?

Yeah. (Laughs)

Holly.

Uh, how do I look?

Like you're going to be a virgin for the rest of your life.

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.

(Chains rattling)

Did you talk to Sheila?

Wait, where are you taking me?

Cook County?

I won't, I won't last a week.

Get the hell out.

You're letting me go?

For now.

Don't leave the city.

(Keys clatter on table)

Oh.

Well, hello.

Get naked now.

Yes, sir.

Sent Ethel to the store.

Get your ass on that bench.

Oh, I love mistress Veronica.

(Sighs)

Yes.

Oh, here it comes.

Got the handcuffs.

An oldie but a goodie.

Hey, just remember, if you're going to sit on my face, I have that sinus thing, okay?

Mmm...

(Chuckling)

Ah, what is this, what's this for?

The blood.

The blood?

Garden shears?

Whoa, that's not funny.

What's the bitch's name?

Who-- what are you talking about?

The bitch's name!

(Screams)

Who, who?!

West 47th.

How you know about that?

Aah, miss Grodanz, all right?

Please don't cut my dick.

You're screwing some slut, and you don't even know her first name?

No... sh-sh-she's my tutor.

What, teaching you how to f*ck behind my back?

Read.

That's the best you can do?

I swear to God it's true.

She's teaching me how to read.

Yo, where are the keys?

In my p-u-r-s-e.

V, V!

(Door slams)

Detective happen to drop by?

I can explain.

Don't tell me, tell mom.

Sheils, it's Frank.

I'm sorry.

Why didn't you tell me?

Didn't want you to think less of me.

Taking advantage of somebody so vulnerable?

(Sobbing): You poor thing.

Karen told the authorities everything.

D-define everything.

You came home from a work-related injury, barely conscious from the pain pills the doctor prescribed, in need of kindness and care, and instead Karen lured you into the basement and...

Just did what she did to you.

Just wanted to get back at her father.

You weren't even aroused.

She told the police, the size of a baby carrot.

I am so sorry that my daughter raped you.

(Pounding)

Miss Grodanz?

Hi. Who are you?

I'm the woman whose man you're f*cking.

I'm done with spelling.

I'll start my reading.

Thank you.

Thanks for taking out my dad.

(Classical music playing)

Elizabeth: Lovely dress.

Those vows.

Why do people insist on writing them themselves?

Hmm, I'm gonna run to the bathroom.

Okay.

I'll see you at the table.

Okay.

So, off campus, huh?

What?

You said you lived off campus.

Yeah.

Yeah, Princeton doesn't let students live off campus until junior year.

New rules.

Oh, come on.

Which agency you with? You can tell me.

Hell, I might need to schedule a night myself.

Excuse me?

God, only Richard'd have the stones to bring a pro to a wedding.

(Laughs) You think I'm a hooker?

No, n-no, no.

Hookers get paid in small bills, not American Express Platinum.

You got to be, what, two grand, three?

I'm not a f*cking escort.

So, Richard doesn't know you've been lying about Princeton?

You're just a gold digger after his money?

I haven't taken a goddamn thing from him.

Right. I have an idea-- how about you give me a taste or I tell him the truth?

Hey, hey.

T-- uh, table six right over there.

Great, me, too.

I don't go to Princeton.

Never went to college, and if assholes like this did, I'm glad I didn't.

Don't worry, I'll get a cab.

What the f*ck, Garvin?

Hey, Fiona, I'll take you.

No, thanks.

You know where I can get the El around here?

Richard: Come on, hey, Greg is an asshole.

He always has been.

He got expelled twice.

They only let him graduate after his dad built the school a library.

Come on, I-I'm sorry.

Let me take you, please.

Hey, bring the, bring the car around.

(Banging)

I want to know whose it is-- the kid.

Simple test.

Jody is the father.

What, you take math lessons from a creationist?

You met him a month ago.

We're married now-- it makes him the dad.

Jody!

Makes him the stepdad.

Real dads are overrated.

Better this way.

Oh, with the village idiot?

Quiet and nice doesn't make him an idiot.

At least I know he'll be here.

I'm not going anywhere.

South Side forever?

I wouldn't bail.

I'm not my dad.

Get out.

You hear me?

I'm not my f*cking dad!

Jody: Everything cool?

Fine.

Enjoy your life of monosyllables and knock-knock jokes.

At least I know his dad won't f*ck me.

Don't underestimate yourself.

I'm sure it'll be his turn at some point.

(Door opens, then closes)

(Knocking)

Money up front, no rough stuff.

You here for Bev?

Your brother.

Some army dude's here for you.

Exemplary salute.

Cadet Colonel Gallagher, Junior ROTC.

Colonel McNally, Department Of Defense.

You Lip's brother?

Ian.

He mentioned you were taking an interest, but didn't say you were stopping by.

Oh, I hope that's okay.

Yes, sir.

Silver Star. Iraq?

Afghanistan.

Ah.

I got sand in parts of my body I still can't get out.

Listen, this is a West Point application.

I wanted to deliver it personally.

It's been a goal for a long time.

Well, if I have anything to say about it, he'll reach it.

Big future, your brother.

The nature of combat's changing.

We need all the creative thinkers we can get.

Is Lip home?

You'll make sure he gets that?

Yes, sir.

Thanks.

(Door closes)

Richard: I knew you didn't go to Princeton.

You don't $500 million worth of business a year without being able to read people.

(Sighs)

I must admit, though, I was curious to see how long you'd be able to keep the whole thing going.

(Quiet laugh)

Where should I tell the driver you live?

South Side.

Help me look like you?

Two things Fiona says are a waste of money, makeup and bras.

Yeah, well, if I believed everything my older siblings told me, I'd still think I was a botched abortion.

You have great eyes.

Thanks, but eyes don't stop a teenage boy.

I need boobs or some junk in the trunk, you know?

How old are you?

11.

If I were Jewish, I'd be a woman next year.

Why the rush?

You sound just like my sister.

Yeah, well, there's plenty of time to be disappointed by men.

Why does everyone else get to grow up but me?

One day you'll look back and wish it didn't happen so fast.

Trust me.

There.

This'll get his attention?

If it doesn't, he's not worth it.

Who's your friend?

Ian: ...65, 66, 67, 68...

Went to Karen's.

Tried to step up.

She told me to f*ck off.

73, you believe that?

74, 75, 76, 77, 78...

Rather play house with Keanu.

81, 82...

You hear what I said?

How many push-ups can you do?

What, right now, stoned?

Your best day.

I don't know. Uh, five, six.

How many miles?

Depends. Who's chasing me?

I can do 100 push-ups at a time, run a six-minute mile and hit a freckle from 200 yards with an M-16.

Dude, you need this more than I do.

Know what it means to have a war hero recommend you for West Point?

I told you, I'm working that angle.

It takes time.

No need.

It worked.

What, McNally brought this for you?

Not me.

Congratulations.

Look, I didn't have a chance to mention you yet, all right?

It's a misunderstanding.

I'll find him tomorrow.

Don't worry about it.

What, you're really gonna be a baby about this?

You're the only reason I was even hanging out with that water boarder McNally.

I don't need your help.

Oh, well, you should have told me that before I spent my summer trying to explain f*cking trigonometry.

All right, I didn't even want you to do this!

I'll do it on my own now, okay?

You can't do sh1t on your own.

f*ck you, Lip.

You can get back to your whore who can't be sure if her kid is your son or your brother.

(Grunting, things clattering)

(Kicking, groaning)

(Crashing)

(Yelling)

(Grunting)

(Groans)

(Grunts)

I'll make West Point on my own.

I don't need you.

(Sighs)

(Door closes) Shh!

Just got the babies to sleep.

I shouted for 20 minutes before Malik heard me.

You let that girl go out on a date with a boy who knows how to pick handcuffs?

Your mom let you go out with me.

We turned out okay.

I think.

If you didn't know how to read, how did you get your driver's license?

They give those to anybody.

Our taxes?

Lip.

Cards on my birthday?

Debbie.

Explains why the "I"s were dotted with hearts.

Look, I can read, all right?

It's just I had trouble with it my entire life.

It gets messed up. I...

It takes a long time.

From one school to the next, from one foster care to the next, it never got fixed.

It's not like I'm unliterate.

Why didn't you tell me?

'Cause I was ashamed, V.

I wanted to do something nice for our anniversary.

A card I wrote myself.

Ah, so...

"I want to lick every inch of your body."

You wrote this?

I wanted to be romantic.

We turned out more than okay.

(Laughing, shrieks)

♪ one, two, three... ♪

People (Chanting): Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go...

(Whooping and cheering)

Ah.

Detective, I smell bacon.

(Laughs)

What do you want, Gallagher?

No hard feelings. Whoa.

Except for the one I have for your better half here.

(Laughs)

Lesson learned-- it's gonna take a lot more than that to bring down Frank Gallagher.

I know you're responsible for Eddie Jackson's death.

Ah. Try proving it.

I intend to.

(People chattering)

My dad killed a guy.

What's wrong?

Holly blew off the flowers I stole for her.

You want to go see Raoul in the alley behind the OTB?

Just got a new switchblade in, swears it has nothing at all to do with that cop stabbing in Pullman.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Don't lay on your back.

You could choke on your own vomit.

You need water and bread to soak up the alcohol.

I'll get hamburger buns.

Stay here. I'll be right back.

Hey! Hey!

Want these?

(Knobs clicking)

Won't start.

Cops released the report.

Cause of death-- inconclusive.

You okay?

Yeah.

Hey, what took you so long?

Jesus. What do you want?

I got a morning after pill from my sister.

Watch it, asshole.

How about some f*cking respect?

What, for you?

Your mom's on a steady diet of prison guard dick because you didn't have the balls to stand up to your dad yourself.

What, you never learned how to throw a f*cking punch?

(Coughs)

Oh, that's it?

Now wonder your dad beat the sh1t out of you.

(Grunting)

Frank: Sheils, it's me.

I got a surprise for you.

Frank, you're back from the barbeque!

I brought the barbecue to you, my one and only girl.

Aw, Frank.

Come downstairs; Let me serve for once.

It looks delicious.

Table's all set.

Oh. What a lovely way to end a hard day.

That's all behind us now.

Come downstairs, have a nice dinner, and we'll wrap up Eddie's affairs.

Where's his life insurance policy again?

One good thing that came out of this.

I'm free to marry.

(Laughs)

Ma... marry?

(Laughing)

I...

Whoa!

Man (On TV): That's in there for a strike and the count's now...

(Laughs)

Naav... el.

Naav... el.

Naavel. Navel!

Yes.

(Both laugh)

Mmm. Only three more till I get to your hoo-ha.

(Both laugh)

(Indistinct chatter)

Hey, talked to my pops.

He's gonna take care of your Clyde.

Really? Thank you!

(Laughs) Oh.

You Clyde?

Ethel said hi.

(Agonized cry)

(Groaning)

(Laughter and chatter)

♪ On the greyhound to the town where you grew up ♪
♪ you were holding hands with Marianne ♪
♪ you didn't know her eyes were shut ♪
♪ on the highway where the cities disappear ♪
♪ oh, my gosh, you look so beautiful ♪
♪ a pencil tucked behind your ear ♪
oh!
oh!

(Subway train approaching)

(Train passing)

Oh!

How many?

Six of us.

It looks a lot like where I grew up in New Haven.

Hey, I'm here next week for a meeting.

Want to go to dinner?

I promise, just us this time.

Okay.

I want you to have this.

(Wry chuckle)

I'd just end up selling it for food and toilet paper.

Hey.

Hey.

Looks like I missed the party.

Tony around?

Tell him I came by.

You look great by the way.

Great.

(Engine starts, revving)

(Car driving off)