02x08 - Parenthood

Where the hell were you guys last week?

I think we should have our own kid.

Well, can we start right now?

You're a loud, mean, vicious bitch.

I will f*ck you up!

sh1t!

sh1t!

How about, let's teach you a skill?

(explosion, gasps)

Where's your grandmother?

Buying more supplies. I'm gonna kill her.

Can't we just call the police, tell them about the meth lab?

She's my grandmother. What happened?

E.R. doc says cancer.

Stage four, pancreatic, doesn't have long to live.

Can you do something for me?

Get rid of Jody.

Everything he does is bugging me.

(screams) Get out!

Even the Pentagon says it's okay to be gay, but you're too chickenshit to let anyone know.

At least I'm not getting trapped by some pregnant skank. - f*ck you!

Lip, come on, wake up. First day of school, senior.

Dropped out.

What are you talking about?

Got to get a job and take care of Karen and my kid.

You two are married?

You're married? Ah, si.

Why didn't you meet me at the airport?

I was on my way.

What happened? Doesn't matter now.

I love you. Don't.

♪ Think of all the luck you got ♪
♪ Know that it's not for naught ♪
♪ You were beaming once before ♪
♪ But it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ What is this downside ♪
♪ That you speak of? ♪
♪ What is this feeling ♪
♪ You're so sure of? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Round up the friends you got ♪
♪ But it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ What is this downside ♪
♪ That you speak of? ♪
♪ What is this feeling ♪
♪ You're so... ♪
♪ Sure of? ♪

Frank?

My mother has cancer.

The bad kind?

As opposed to?

I'm gonna be an orphan.

Well... things worked out for Oliver Twist.

And Annie.

She found a way to abandon me one last time.

The sun'll come out, just like the song says.

God, do you know how many years I've prayed for this moment?

I'll be free.

Well, this might not be nice to say, but if anyone deserves cancer, it's your mother.

Where's Grammy? Frank took her to Sheila's late last night. She was having trouble breathing.

The chemicals from the fire were aggravating her emphysema.

Will the chemicals give us emphysema?

Probably, but we won't know for 50 years.

FIONA: Carl, the team gives you one helmet and if you break it, we can't afford to replace it.

Don't matter. Season's over. What?

Coach got arrested for exposing himself at the park.

He was peeing being a shed. A couple of seven-year-old girls saw "it."

I don't get it. Half the world has penises.

Why do people get so upset about seeing them? Context.

What's that?

When, how, where and with who.

Ian, you played-- you could coach.

Uh, can't. I got to work after school, bud. Sorry.

You going to school early? Chemistry study group.

Can you coach?

I know nothing about football.

It's just boys crashing into one another.

With pads. And some-- some rules.

Ask Lip. He won't do it.

Wake him and ask. Can't hurt.

Lip!

I could have done that. Upstairs, please.

Good morning, love. Where's the pisser?

Upstairs. Oh, that's not happening.

Get me a bucket.

(clearing throat)

I heard you have cancer.

Yeah.

I hope it's painful.

Your wish is granted.

You've got two more. Don't waste 'em.

(rattling) You'll be back in your bed by tonight.

The chemical smell from the explosion will be over by then.

It's not the flu, is it?

No, just my body feeding on itself.

Sheila makes a top-notch breakfast.

I'm good with my smokes and coffee.

We don't smoke in the house.

Well, good. I won't have to share.

Come on.

Right there.

(urinating)

(mutters)

Where are you going? To the store.

Repl... replenish your smokes.

15 minutes. I'm timing you.

And get me a new Bic-- a blue one.

Not pink like that last one.

O.J., Frank. No pulp. Hey, numb nuts-- toilet paper.

I'm not going to drip dry.

Oh, Kleenex.

The best for the best.

How do you take your coffee?

With Baileys or not at all.

I have some Bacardi.

Pepsi to mix it with?

Fresca.

For f*ck's sake.

Fresca it is--

Twiggy.

Couldn't wake him. Debbie, go brush your teeth.

And tell Lip that ice cubes are going down his shirt next.

He's missed a week of school already.

Morning, Gallaghers. Hi!

Who likes coffee and doughnuts? All right.

Double latte, two sugars.

What the f*ck are you doing? We were out getting coffees, and I thought, "Hey, school's started.

Why not pop by and give the kids a ride like the old days?"

No heads up so I could put pants on? I like you with no pants on.

Dude, your wife is standing right there. No English.

(Estefania speaking Portuguese)

Does she ever leave your side?

I bought coffee for Lip.

Please, stop trying to make this seem normal.

(Estefania speaking Portuguese)

Lip won't get up.

Ooh, thanks for the doughnuts, Jimmy.

Yes. You know what, I get it.

You think it's funny to call me Jimmy, but I think it's probably time to give it a rest.

Fat chance, Jim-Jim. Yeah, yummy doughnuts, Jimbo.

All right.

(Estefania speaking Portuguese)

I'm not doing this. Doing what?

This. Was there some signal that I sent you that suggested popping by would be cool?

I just wanted to bring you a coffee, start the day right.

Figure out that chick who's sitting on my sofa wearing your wedding ring, and then we'll talk.

(Estefania speaking Portuguese)

Who wants a ride to school? DEBBIE AND CARL: I do.

Great. Let's go. We're going to figure this out.

Just don't give up on me. Please stop talking.

Let's go!

Lip!

All right. Dig the helmet, Carl.

You play any ball growing up?

Carl. Yo.

Junior high. Flanker. What's a flanker?

It's a white wide receiver.

Hey, you doing anything this afternoon?

Carl! What? We need a coach.

For what? Pop Rec Warner League.

Flag? Helmet to helmet.

Fiona go to games?

Never misses one.

Call me "Coach."

Awesome.

Not a smart move, Jimmy.

♪ ♪

(rhythmic groaning)

Hello, boys.

The front door was locked, so I came in the back-- no pun intended.

You might want to check the locks.

Um, I see that you're preoccupied, so why don't we put this little loan on my tab?

As you were, sailors.

FIONA: Lip!

Jesus!

I covered for you while you've been going through this sh1t, but enough.

You been lying up here a week. sh1t is what we all go through.

We still got to get up and get sh1t done. Is that from a Toby Keith song?

School now. I dropped out.

It's your senior year. You're graduating.

No. Get up and get to school!

You quit. Because Mom and Dad were hooked on Oxy.

You were 13. Don't try to win this argument.

You got the golden ticket.

You know it and I know it.

I'm going to get a job. After you graduate.

I don't need another year of crappy public high school education.

Here's the way life works.

Mmm... You suck it up, you do your work, you get your diploma, and that little piece of paper tells every other person who wanted to quit high school, that you can follow through and finish something.

You don't have yours, and you're doing fine.

I'm going to stab you in the chest. You're graduating.

I didn't and I still regret it. Who's stopping you?

Uh, Debbie, Carl, Liam, you.

Hey, don't do me any favors.

You're going back to school.

Fine. I'll go back when you do.

What?

What? You get your diploma, I'll get mine.

Sheila can help out with Liam.

Debbie and Carl can take care of themselves.

I'll go back, you go back.

We'll graduate together.

Walk down the aisle-- all "Pomp and Circumstance."

Hand in hand?

All right.

f*ck it. Sure. Great.

Put Liam in a stroller, we'll hit the registrar's office.

Hey, Fi?

Huh?

We gotta kill him. WOMAN (knocking): C'mon! Open up!

f*ck off! Look, nobody will miss Frank, anyway.

We shoot him in the head, we dump him in the river.

Look, he has a lousy short-term memory; he's probably already forgotten.

Can't chance that.

I'll talk to him. Gotta cut his hands off, pull his teeth; he can't even be identified.

You stay here, watch the store. I'll take care of it.

My Uncle Joe works at the foundry; he'll dump the teeth into the chrome plating vat and it's done.

Mickey, you need this job for your probation.

No, what I need is to take care of Frank and his big mouth.

Stay here.

This won't take long.

(doorbells jingle)

WOMAN: Go to Miss Mclntyre's study hall in room 392, give her this from me.

Fill out your course selections and bring it back.

Quickly. You've already missed a week.

Good luck, sis.

Miss Gallagher.

So, you quit during your junior year?

Halfway through.

I came in and explained the situation...

I don't keep track of quitters.

Got enough on my plate.

How many credits do I need to get a diploma?

Uh, looks to be about 38.

You have English, Trig, World History, Earth Sciences.

You're gonna be busy.

Is there a night school here where I could do that?

Why don't you just take the GED?

It's for the quitters.

Uh-huh.

Is it as good as getting your diploma? No.

But it shows you know most of what someone would've learned in high school.

Proves you're not a total loser.

It's just a test?

Something you can do in one day?

Less than a day. This is a practice test.

If you can pass it, you won't even need to take a prep course.

Okay.

Jack Daniels and orange juice mix better than I would've imagined. Mickey's upset.

He thinks you're gonna tell people what you saw.

Take this in to your grandmother.

I'm serious.

Keep the money. I'll pay Linda back myself.

If you don't want to go in, I don't blame you.

Just lean it against the door and ring the bell.

Ding-dong, ditch it.

(doorbell rings)

(sighs)

(blows kazoo)

Coast clear?

(blows twice)

Is twice yes or no? I forgot.

(blows three times)

GRAMMY (in distance): Enough with that kazoo!

Coast is clear!

♪ ♪

(chuckles)

(door closes)

(chuckles)

Hey. You guys got plans today?

I was gonna drop a Cialis and stroke it.

I need help killing somebody.

Someone we care about?

No.

Knife, gun or tire iron?

Gun's safest.

Not with today's forensics.

Fine, a knife. That's a lot of blood flow.

One drop left behind, that's life in the joint.

Why don't you tell me, John Wayne Gacy?

Kidnap and strangle.

Perfect.

Where's your rophenol?

I ran out.

That quinceañera over at Jamie's.

I got plenty of duct tape.

Get it.

Thought you dropped out. Uh, made a deal with Fiona.

She'll blow her end, and I'll be back home chilling in a week.

I'm gonna give the baby up for adoption.

Sometimes I wonder if getting high makes it easier for me to keep up with you or more difficult.

I thought I was in love with Jody; I'm not.

I thought it would be cool to have a baby and love it, but no, I suck at it.

I thought about aborting it, but I'm this far along, and even though I don't want it, other people probably do.

So I figure why not suck it up a few more months, vag it out and sell it?

"Vag it out"?

Well, the truth hurts, but it's still the truth.

Well, you know, if you are gonna let the baby live, maybe you should stop smoking weed.

Weren't Monica and Frank on acid the whole time you were in vitro?

Uh, shrooms, mostly.

Well, you want to go to some adoption agencies with me later?

I need someone to play the dad, sign the paperwork.

You could help me pick out a good buyer.

(footsteps approaching) Oh!

Mr. Healey, how goes it?

Later.

(school bell beeps)

What the hell is this schedule you signed up for?

Woodworking? Auto Repair?

Welding? Hey, I'm just trying to learn the skills that can make me a productive member of the working class, Mr. H.

You as my guidance counselor should appreciate that.

You have any idea what it's like to be a guidance counselor in this sh1t hole?

I get one National Merit Scholar every nine years.

So there's not a chance that you're not going to live up to your goddamn potential.

Feeling very "O Captain! My Captain!" are we?

I had a teacher who took a special interest in me when I was about your age.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

He use a condom or...?

It was a woman, smart-ass.

And she showed me the way out, changed my life.

Yet you still ended up in this job?

I had 22 years in the Coast Guard before I got here.

And I retired a lieutenant commander.

Wow. So you're gonna take Physics, Probability and Statistics, Advanced Chemistry.

And you're gonna take the ACT, and you're gonna get into either Yale or Harvard or MIT on a full academic ride.

Give me your hand.

At what point in your career did you realize that your name, Dick, had become a euphemism for cock?

Watch your mouth.

The ice you're standing on is cracking all around you, Phillip.

And I won't stand around and watch you drown.

(school bell beeps)

Get to class.

Boys, I'm the biggest munchkin in Munchkin Land, verging on jigging while that falling house called cancer is about to crush the wickedest witch on the South Side, my mother, Margaret!

Cheers!

(scattered cheers, clapping)

Mmm.

Fabulous Bloody Mary, Kev.

Three dollars, Frank.

Know why I ordered a Bloody Mary?

You lack vitamins?

I used to make these for Mother on Sundays.

Every Sunday.

Horseradish, celery, tomato juice, vodka. Four fingers worth.

Bring it to her in her chair, like she was the Queen of Spain.

Spain got rid of their royalty.

Three dollars, Frank.

I'd bring her her Bloody Mary, and she'd sniff it, and then stick the tippity tip of her tongue in it, testing it, and if I didn't get it just right, I'd get a smack.

Yeah, she looked like she'd be a spanker.

Oh, no, no, not a spanking.

Thought it was half-ass corporal punishment.

Thought, you want to make an impression, you got to hit kids where it hurts, in the face with a closed fist.

Not in the ass, with all that padding.

I wish I could punch my kid in the face.

Looks just like my ex-wife.

Tommy, you realize other people can hear you when you speak, right?

If I was off with even one part of her recipe, smack!

Deal was, if I didn't cry the first time, she'd stop.

But if I flinched or shed a tear, another smack.

Had a foster dad once shaved half my head when I broke curfew.

Looked kinda badass, though.

Flinch? Smack.

Misty? Smack.

Yelp? Smack.

Every Sunday, without fail.

Bloody Mary Sunday.

Gotta piss.

Watch my eggs.

Are those the good memories of his mother or the bad ones?

Interchangeable, apparently.

Hey, what's happening, boys? You seen Frank?

Frank who? Don't give me "Frank f*cking who?"

How many people come in here named Frank?

Hey, don't get salty, sweetie.

There's Frank Stinson, substitute math teacher who loves Sudoku.

There's Frank Salmon, comes in on Thursdays with his softball buddies, and there's Frank Migneault, retired air traffic controller, playing pool.

Frank Gallagher.

Check the Rusty Hammer.

They got happy hour breakfast 9:00 to 11:00.

He's a bargain drinker.

(TV playing quietly)

Pat her down for weapons?

She'll be gone by dinner.

My grandfather died of lung cancer.

Lived with him the last three months-- brutal.

Was it chilly in the tent last night?

Not too bad.

Has, uh, Karen mentioned me?

But you keep believing.

Slow and steady wins the race.

Not often.

You need the bucket?

No, I'm gonna climb the stairs for this one.

Ow!

Ooh!

(groans)

Are you okay?

Here you go. I don't need help.

How about a glass of water, then?

What is that smell?

Did someone step in dog doo? Not me.

Let's get you upstairs and clean you up.

(groaning)

Oh!

Oh!

Ooh! Let me... let me draw you a bath.

Let me get you a bath, sweetie.

Let me get you a bath.

Do you have something for the pain?

They gave me some Vicodin, but I don't want to be all doped-up.

I can get you something stronger.

No.

(groans)

Okay.

(door opens)

Geez! Open the windows.

It smells like a meth lab.

I'm gonna get high just standing here.

Lean into it.

It's a manageable high.

Who's boning a barista?

Steve brought by coffees and his wife.

Bad times.

He doesn't give up, does he?

He's trying to wear me down. Just keeps showing up, hoping I'll find him too irresistible.

When guys get focused on something, it's hard to get 'em off.

They have one-task minds.

Kevin turned down a blow job today.

He only wants to get off inside me now.

Obsessed with saving his spunk for having a baby.

Look at you, the romantic.

It's one thing talking about making a baby, another having to raise it from scratch.

I don't know if I got what it takes.

You'll be a kick-ass mother.

So much sh1t you got to know--

SIDS, sleep habits, tooth decay, bullying. You work in a nursing home.

It's like taking care of old people in reverse.

You did great with Ethel and Jonah.

Come on. Imagine your own kid that looks like the two of you combined.

That will be one drop-dead gorgeous child, I'll give you that. Mm-hmm.

What you doing? Studying.

What?

You taking your GED?

All right, Fi! Made a deal with Lip that I'd go back to school if he did.

Quiz me.

Who was the fourth president of the United States?

John Quincy Adams.

James Madison. Jasmine was right.

I should just have some rich dude knock me up before it's too late. We could be barefoot and pregnant together.

(chuckles)

(knock at door)

Frank here?

No.

When's he going to be back?

For as long as I've been alive, I haven't known the answer to that question.

That is the dirtiest white boy in America.

WOMAN: You have made a great choice to honor the budding life inside you.

(chuckles) Time will tell.

I'm sure we'll find the baby a good home.

Can you find me one?

(woman chuckles)

The Catholic couple that we'll place your baby with has most likely struggled to get pregnant, so they are committed to having a family.

Now, um, are... are you limited to, uh, only Catholic families, or can other people apply?

WOMAN: We do attempt to find families of faith first.

Yeah. Cool. So how much do we get?

We'll be sure to place your baby with parents who can support it.

Yeah, you... you said that.

How much do we get for the baby?

This is a chance to celebrate a life.

So no money?

Oxy... and Percocet, Valium.

Yikes.

I also got an I.V. morphine drip.

(gasps) Got a lot of friends I met in programs that end in the letter "A."

You still want a shower?

Nah, I'm going to hit the tent.

Karen could be home soon.

I don't want to upset her and blow my chances.

I'm... I'm going to talk to her about keeping the baby and about keeping you in her life.

Thanks, Mom. You'd be an incredible daddy.

I've always wanted to be.

(groaning)

Ow.

Take this.

JODY: Wash it down.

(sighs)

Ugh.

She should really be in hospice.

(groaning sigh)

God, life is just so... just...

(growls)

You know, like, sometimes don't you just want to shake your fists at it?

Why does it have to be so hard for people?

(groans)

(sighs)

It's going to be all right.

Let's don't start lying to each other now.

Walked in on my mother and my sixth-grade teacher having s*x once.

That'll teach you not to play hooky.

(inhaling)

My mother's nipples were the size of sand dollars.

(inhaling)

She was on top, riding him.

He's underneath, bucking like a horse who knows it's headed for the glue factory.

She didn't even tell me to leave the room.

(whistle blows)

Tell Fiona you're coaching, Jimmy?

Don't you tell her everything for me? Family first.

Those of us with only one name find that easy to remember.

Haven't told her about this, because I wasn't sure you were going to show up.

You know, I'm just trying to give back to the community, help some disadvantaged kids learn a great American sport.

(Estefania speaking Portuguese)

(blows whistle)

Yo. When do we get to tackle?

Soon. Take a knee.

All right, boys.

Football is all about who wants it more.

When you tackle, aim low, hit hard!

Who thinks they're man enough to take me down?

Huh? You don't have pads on.

We're just... we're doing a walk-through.

Okay?

(grunts)

(groans)

Clean hit.

I like it.

(laughter)

Oh... (sighs)

I wish I'd had a girl coach.

I'd totally tap that. Yeah.

I love long hair.

No, no, no.

The one with the little brunette pixieish cut.

Like a 1963 brunette Mia Farrow.

No titties, all ass.

Just sit and spin her all night long.

Heaven.

I-I think that's a dude.


(whistle blows)

Start by filling out these.

Now, uh, do you check, uh, the families for, you know, um, alcohol and drug abuse?

You know, make sure they have enough income to feed it and stuff?

We do.

Right, and, uh, are the families mostly in the Chicago area or the whole state?

What's it matter? We're getting rid of it.

You going to stalk it at its Little League games?

Have you looked at other options?

Like aborting it? Yeah.

But my dad taught me it was murder, and the thing does have a heartbeat and all.

Yeah, we went to see the Catholics earlier.

We found out they don't pay anything.

Neither do we.

I thought there was a separation of church and state.

I'm not following you.

I get the Catholics went broke with those pedophile lawsuits, but how can the government expect me not to smoke or do drugs so that the baby doesn't turn out a brain-damaged future criminal, yet expects me to do all the work for free?

Call my friend, Timothy.

He's a family attorney.

No, we can't afford a lawyer.

Tell him Stacy sent you.

Which of the following political actions violated the principle of unalienable rights of liberty that evolved from the above excerpt of the Declaration of Independence?

One. In 1857, a U.S. Supreme Court ruling promoted the expansion of slavery in U.S. territories.

Two... That one.

It's a, uh... multiple choice test.

You want to hear the other options?

It's that one. Hey, Mickey Milkovich came by earlier looking for Frank, all sweaty.

Isn't he working at the store while you're at school?

When he shows up.

Why is he looking for Frank?

Probably getting high together.

(door closes)

Dinner in 15 minutes.

I'm going to head out for a while.

Where were you guys?

Football practice.

Thought your coach got arrested.

A new guy stepped in to save the day.

What do you know about football?

Well, you... make a pass, sometimes you score.

Ugh. I meant what I said this morning.

We got a big scrimmage tomorrow.

And I say that we celebrate the guaranteed victory Yeah! by cooking a big Brazilian dinner.

What do you say? Right, Esty?

"Esty."

Tomorrow, come here.

Cook food.

Si, si.

Eat. Eat. Uh... Uh, poor people.

Crack. I help.

Dude.

Poor people? Awesome.

See you tomorrow.

CARL: Can we go bring Grammy back?

She promised to teach us how to palm cards. Grammy blew up the basement.

We could've lost Carl. So she's having a time-out at Sheila's.

And you know, when you're having a time-out, you don't get to visit with your family.

Yo, you pick out all your classes?

Taking my GED.

Uh... no, that wasn't the deal.

Well, I still got to earn money-- food, utilities.

You finish your senior year, I take the GED.

I didn't agree to an equivalent. If it's good enough for the state, it's good enough for me. Fine. Then I'll take my GED.

The GED is for quitters, not geniuses. Put the pasta in when the water boils. I have to go study.

Why is she still here?

No one came and picked her up.

What's with the bed?

Jody set it up.

Mammoth heart, that Jody.

Oh, it smells in here.

I've rinsed the bucket twice already.

Get on the kazoo.

Tell Jody to roll her to a fire station and safe-haven her ass.

Frank, she's in pain.

What... what's all this? Pills.

Jody got them.

He even started an I.V. drip-- morphine.

How many milligrams? He'd be the kind of son-in-law that would take care of us in our later years.

You know?

Why don't you go upstairs?

Get your rest.

I'll sit with Mom.

You sure?

She's my mother.

We're a good team, Frank, you and I.

You're a good son.

Well... Make your peace with her.

I don't think she has a long time.

(mouthing)

(door opens and closes)

♪ ♪

Why we killing him again?

He raped a girl.

Statutory or catch and release?

sh1t. He's locking up. No Frank.

KEVIN: Hey, man, you all right?

You need a cab?

(engine starts)

sh1t.

Mm.

(yawns) Morning.

Meg texted you from the club. Says your last paycheck's in.

I told her you'd go get it today. Please don't take my phone.

And please don't impersonate me.

You left it in the bathroom.

Liam almost dropped it in the toilet.

Where's Ian? Left early again.

Coming to my scrimmage today? Wouldn't miss it!

Should I bring some breakfast over to Grammy?

She gets hungry after her morning cigarettes.

Sheila has food at her house, she'll feed her.

Lip! Up!

I don't have class till 10:00. I'm gonna go help Kev.

You like your classes this year? I love them. Thanks.

Quite welcome. Go learn your state capitals.

Go f*ck yourself. Will do.

Hey. Swing this at my head.

I'm trying to strengthen my neck.

Awesome...

(train rattles past)

I don't have any money.

IAN: You got to lie low, Frank.

Mother's laying down.

A lot of pain. I...

I got her pain pills.

Mickey thinks you're going to tell everybody about what you saw.

(scoffs)

Men have always had men.

DaVinci, Abe Lincoln, the guy from Hogan's Heroes.

Choose a gender, and find someone who wants to f*ck.

Preferably... for free.

Mickey wants to kill you.

I don't want him to go to Juvie.

Hey.

This is bad, Frank.

What's happening to my mother is bad.

Very, very bad.

Dying is bad.

(sighs)

Try to avoid it, son.

It's amazing, when you start thinking about babies.

My testicles have never been my ally.

It's a whole other thing, shifting from screwing just as, you know, screwing, to screwing with the purpose of creating a new person.

Of course, you know that already, you've proven your sperm can spawn new life.

Yeah, well, might not be mine.

And it's a little different when the baby's a surprise and the mother doesn't want it.

Karen decide what she want to do yet?

No. We're seeing a family attorney this morning.

Ask me again after school.

You're back in school?

Yeah. I promised Fiona I'd go back if she did.

Fiona's back in high school?

Trying to get her GED.

She'll fail. Then I can quit again.

She won't fail. She's smart.

Yeah, but... not school smart.

Dude, who the hell around here is gonna go to school if the one really smart guy quits?

That's not my problem.

I disagree. You want to quit something, quit trying to make your life complicated.

Go to school, and enjoy being smarter than everyone, and become Master of the Universe. I mean, f*ck.

Well, what if I don't want to be Master of the Universe?

Tough! You've got to be one of those ridiculously rich, successful dudes, and put my kid through college someday.

But no pressure.

(Grammy moans) How you feeling?

Incredible.

Let's go dancing.

(groans)

Christ.

I shoulda ate more salads.

Do you want me to get you one now?

No.

Did you call Fiona?

Well... she seemed reluctant to-to have you come back home.

Reluctant?

She said you set her house on fire.

Christ!

Somehow, I've been banished to ride this out in a stranger's house where none of my grandkids come to visit me.

And my son ran away with all the painkillers you brought me.

I'm on it. Drug run!

He's like a superhero.

He's all right.

And so are you.

Monica-- you know, Frank's ex?-- she was a bitch.

You're not a bitch. Thank you.

How do you do that?

The "nice" thing?

I was a shitty mother. Shitty, shitty, shitty.

But what are you gonna do? Cry?

Nah.

Three of my four sons turned out all right.

None of them are incarcerated, currently.

So I'm not gonna complain.

I'm sorry I pointed that gun at you.

Well...

I never should've said your cootchie smells like sulfur.

I...

I've always taken care of myself down there.

Not easy, the older you get.

Oh, don't I know it.

(winces)

Oh, Jesus God...

(groans) (murmurs)

Ah... Maybe. Let me see if I can get Jody.

Hold on.

(playing loudly)

Where is he?

I have no idea. He's had 24 hours to run his mouth already. Where is he?

He won't. If my dad finds out about this, he will kill me himself.

I've been to 16 bars, the homeless shelter, shantytown under the El, your house, batty Sheila's... where the f*ck is he?

I don't know! Bullshit!

You warned him.

I hate him more than you do.

I ain't stealing this.

This is less than what I'm owed for my hours this week.

I'm done. Done... done.

Frank's walked in on Fiona and all of her boyfriends, walked in on Lip and his girls.

We got nothing to be ashamed of. What f*cking world do you live in?

You can't... you can't... you know...

I don't want you to... What did I just say to you? Done is done.

What, you think we're boyfriend and girlfriend here?

You're nothing but a warm mouth to me.

Sorry I gotta go kill your dad, but I'm doing a lot of people a favor, including you.

MAN: You say go,

I'll put out the word. All right, so you're a broker?

I introduce you to a pool of parents that want to adopt.

They want to make sure that the baby gets good prenatal care, food, travel to and from the doctor... I mean, these things cost money, and they pay cash for these things.

And other things that you might think that you need.

A new computer, so you can read up on all the Mommy Web sites.

Maternity clothes. Paternity clothes.

I mean, you're young.

As long as you take your folic acid and avoid hard drugs, you'll clean up.

I like this guy.

And you can always change your mind, and keep the baby and the money that they gave you.

But I wouldn't.

Kids can be, uh... a pain in the ass.

Here are some letters from prospective parents lobbying me for an all-white baby.

You look them over.

See if any of their prose sways you.

In my experience, the deeper the flowery bullshit, the richer they are.

Wealthy, infertile people will go all out trying to buy babies.

Right. But they're still good families, right?

I mean, you make sure they're going to decent parents?

Since when is rich not good?

Something a little extra in there for you.

Ah, you covered my ass a few times, never called in fake sick.

Thanks.

Customers sure do love you.

No way you can stay on?

Summer's over. Nobody left at home to watch my baby brother.

Well, we might be opening up a new club soon.

Upscale, tips are gonna be good. I appreciate it, Meg.

I just...

I just can't.

But you're good with people.

And not just people who nap and use sippy cups.

There's not much flexibility when your childcare worker has to go back to elementary school.

Gonna need a third assistant manager soon.

Kiomi's heading back to Tokyo to get married to that jerk from Nokia.

I can't work nights.

Liam needs me during the day. I like him.

Most of the time, he likes me.

(cell phone ringing)

Well, if things change, track me down.

Hey. Yeah.

(sighs)

KAREN: These douches sent me a picture of a tree with a swing in it.

(laughs) And this guy's wearing a Tommy Bahama shirt.

I'm not letting my kid get molested by some guy in a Tommy Bahama shirt.

Prada, maybe.

Why is this such a joke to you?

It's not a joke.

I'm providing a valuable service to losers who God doesn't want having kids.

And I'm getting paid. Oh, yeah, but don't you think it's a little messed up?

You know, our kid's gonna be out there alive.

You know, living life, looking like us, being raised by strangers?

Who says it's yours?

The 200 times we f*cked!

We weren't exclusive.

Stop making this a big deal.

I'm merely the manufacturer.

If there's a market for babies out there, I'm gonna corner my share.

Who knows? I might just do this every year.

Make a mint.

JODY (singing): ♪ And you say, go slow ♪

♪ I fall behind ♪
♪ The second hand unwinds ♪
♪ If you're lost, you can look ♪
♪ And you will find me ♪
♪ Time after time... ♪

Stop it, please.

Me or Jody?

♪ If you fall I will catch you ♪
♪ I'll be waiting ♪

Both of you.

♪ Time after time... ♪

Please!

Well... you're looking very beautiful.

I am not.

And no toenail polish is gonna fix it.

Everyone's beautiful on the inside.

Way, way inside.

Have the coroner cut me open when this is done and see if that's true.

I need a drink.

JODY: Sorry I couldn't rustle up more drugs for you.

Shipment lands tonight. Can you ride it out?

At the Alibi, yes.

Sheila, get me three big envelopes and some stamps.

We're off to the Alibi.

I don't like to leave the house.

Well, suck it up.

You need to get me out of this morgue.

I owe you a drink, at the very least.

What are you doing?

Sending cash to my sons.

That will make Frank very happy.

Frank gets none.

That's what happens when you steal my drugs.

Accretion onto a stationary black hole has been solved analytically only under the assumption of spherical symmetry.

Who used the Newtonian treatment of accretion?

Who used the full general relativistic one?

It's in your textbooks. Anyone?

Mr. Gallagher?

What?

Do you know the answer?

Uh, I believe the answer to that question, um, like the answer to most questions, is f*ck you.

(students gasping)

Anyone else?

Newtonian accretion?

No, really, the answer is f*ck you!

Frank's at the Alibi.

I got this.

No, we got your back.

I know you do, but I got it.

I hate rapists, too.

Okay, so get the next one.

We're coming. Grab a mask.

(knocking)

Miss Gallagher?

Yeah. Come on in.

I didn't know if you remembered me.

Of course, Mr. Healey.

How are you?

Well, one more year till full pension, then it's taillights.

Congrats.

What's up?

(sighs) Lip's been expelled.

What?

Threw a chair through a window.

Come on. Expelled?

Smoking dope in the bathroom, telling teachers to eff off.

But I called around to a few friends.

I used to coach wrestling over at Mckinley.

They'll take him.

But they won't put up with any of his smart-ass stuff.

Thank you, Mr. H.

Don't let him screw it up, Fiona.

(door opens)

(door closes)

GRAMMY: Why'd you quit drinking?

The first time I quit, I woke up one morning after I'd slept with my best friend's fiancée.

Felt really, really awful.

Bad hangover, huh?

Gin or Tequila?

Beer. Beer?

So I made a list of the top 50 stupidest things I'd ever done.

All 50 were done drunk.

Took that as a sign.

Stop. Mail these.

♪ ♪

(horns honking, tires screeching)

(horn blaring)

(tires screeching)

Was that on purpose?

It was.

(horn blares)

(tires screeching)

(horn blaring)

(whistle blows)

(over phone): Hey, it's Lip. Leave me a me a message. (answering machine beep)

Seriously, dude, seriously?

Explain this to me.

(whistle blows)

Hi!

♪ ♪

(grunting)

Yes!

Yeah! Yes!

Go, Carl!

Good job, buddy!

You got owned, punk, owned!

(applause and cheering)

All right, I got to go.

SHEILA: Jody.

Tent time.

You give humanity a good name.

(chuckles)

(grunts) Peg.

I need a pen.

Oh.

According to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, there's five stages of death, and you're in the acceptance stage.

I was just trying to get hit by a bus so my family could sue the city.

You're facing death with acceptance, and that's good.

(groans)

Do you have a plastic bag?

Are you gonna be sick to your stomach?

I need a plastic bag.

Ziploc or garbage?

Anything will do. Okay, okay.

MICKEY: Run up a couple blocks.

I'm gonna come from behind.

I'll catch him in an alley and get it done.

♪ You got the right time ♪
♪ This is the right time ♪
♪ You got the callback ♪
♪ You got the handout ♪
♪ You've seen the sign and the sign says "Leave here" ♪
♪ You got just one step ♪
♪ This is the one step ♪
♪ You got the part, girl ♪
♪ Right, you want this? ♪
♪ You found the pulse ♪
♪ Now you're all out and over this ♪
♪ You've seen the sign, and the sign says... ♪

(siren wailing)

♪ You got the one step, this is the one step... ♪

(siren chirps)

Hey...

Officer, oink oink.

♪ You lit the wire, now it's burning. ♪

Does that violate my probation?

COP: Shut up!

(laughs)

Go into the light, go into the light.

(grunts)

Go.

It's not working.

Be brave.

I can't die looking at you.

Well, close your eyes.

It was too hot.

Oh.

Hold my nose, suffocate me.

Really? Yeah.

Same idea as the bag, but it'll go quicker.

Well, should I wash my hands first?

Just do it.

How's that?

I am still breathing out of this mouth.

Okay, well, I can cover it with my other hand.

No, my survival instinct will kick in and I'll just end up biting you.

How about a pillow?

Think you're strong enough to hold it over my face and finish the job?

Well, I'm... I'm strong enough to try.

This isn't considered murder?

Not if I give you permission.

(grunts)

Do you give me your permission to hold this pillow over your face?

I do.

(sighs)

Good-bye, Sheila.

Good-bye, Peg.

Don't pussy out on me.

Okay.

(groaning)

Oh, wow.

Well... hold it.

Oh, go, go into the light.

Go in-- go into the light.

Uh... your, your sins are forgiven.

Go into the light.

Tell St. Peter you're sorry for being so shitty.

Do it while you still have your breath.

(door opens)

Uh, Frank, your mother's passed.

(sobs)

Do you have a paring knife?

You're not cooking dinner.

Oh, come on. Let him.

(door opens)

(door closes)

Hey!

Hey.

Expelled?

You win.

I win?

That's all you have to say?

I lose. Well, you're lucky for a loser.

Mr. Healey got you into another school.

Yeah, I'm not going. You are.

No, I'm not.

Guys, guys, calm down.

Hey, Jimmy, butt the f*ck out.

You are finishing high school.

I've done a year more than you.

This isn't about me.

So, what, you want me to bust my ass, get a diploma and a high-paying job, so I can buy you all houses and sh1t while you lay around doing fuck-all?

I'm down for that.

Why is that on me, huh?

Because I've done all right on some tests?

(whispers in Portuguese)

No, I'll pull my weight, but I'm not going to be the f*cking golden goose!

School or out. What?

My job is to keep this house going.

Busting my ass for you, working eight jobs, making meals, keeping everything straight.

Your job is school!

School or leave.

(sighs)

What are you doing?

Well, I'm not going back to school, so I guess it means I'm leaving.

Lip, come back!

Lip!

Mom died.

Aw...

(sobbing)

Lip?

Good morning, sweetheart.

Mom!

Mimosa?

Oh, jeez! In the kitchen!?

Give Debbie some mommy time. Might be the only one she gets.

If I was rich, then you'd consider keeping the kid with me?

How rich?

I think you should consider keeping the baby, and Jody.

Let me stay here for a bit.

I'll piss her off so much, she'll be back here door step in a heart beat.

You're living at Steve's!?

This has nothing to do with you!