04x08 - Hope Springs Paternal

[bunniefuu]

For 20 bucks, I'll tell you what happened last week on Shameless.

Thanks.

You're gonna have to have an abortion.

Hell, no. I'm not aborting my baby.

Ourbaby.

You need to call your family.

Your dad's dying, Ian.

f*ck. Ian.

We're down to two babies.

What happened?

Huey ate Dewey.

You almost k*lled Liam.

I didn't do it on purpose.

Yeah, but you did it.

I'm not guilty!

Liam almost d*ed!

I heard you talk about my little brother Liam on the bus this morning.

Both: Cocaine baby brother.

[Grunts]

Oh, f*ck.

I could watch Liam for you if you wanted.

I'll send you a text picture every 30 minutes.

I need a g*n.

Who you gonna k*ll?

Alibi got robbed.

They stole the keg that I keep the money in.

[g*n cocks]

We can't be boyfriend and girlfriend.

Why are you breaking up with me?

Because you're too young.

Get the f*ck out of my house.

[Glass shatters]

Is Sheila gonna be mad at me?

She's out of town.

With this plea agreement, you will be a felon.

You will be under house arrest until further notice.

How do you plead to possession and child endangerment?

I'm guilty.

♪ think of all the luck you got ♪
♪ know that it's not for naught ♪
♪ you were beaming once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ what is this downside ♪
♪ that you speak of? ♪
♪ what is this feeling ♪
♪ you're so sure of? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ round up the friends you got ♪
♪ know that they're not for naught ♪
♪ you were willing once before ♪
♪ but it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ what is this downside ♪
♪ that you speak of? ♪
♪ what is this feeling ♪
♪ you're so sure of? ♪

[Gauntlet Hair's Human Nature]

♪ ♪
♪ when it comes out it's all I see ♪
♪ that's when you tell me it's just your human nature ♪
♪ ♪
♪ when it comes out it's all I see ♪
♪ and that's when you tell me it's just your human nature ♪
♪ ♪
♪ yeah ♪
♪ it's just your human nature ♪

[Alarm clock buzzing]

♪ ♪
♪ one time a week ♪
♪ one time a week ♪
♪ when it comes out it's all I see ♪
♪ that's when you tell me it's just your human nature ♪
♪ ♪
♪ yeah ♪
♪ it's just your human... ♪
♪ and you tell me I make you smile ♪
♪ one time a week ♪
♪ one time a week ♪
♪ and you tell me I make you smile ♪
♪ one time a week ♪
♪ ♪

Do you have any sanitary pads?

You got your period? That's wonderful.

I don't want to talk about it. Ever.

I get it. I get it.

We have some tampons in the upstairs bathroom under the sink.

Do you need me to walk you through any--

No. Nope.

Why are you baking at 7:00 AM?

'Cause my probation officer's coming today and I'm freaking out. Is your room clean?

Why does my room need to be clean?

'Cause she's gonna tear the joint apart looking for anything that can get me in trouble.

I only have, like, clothes and school stuff and makeup.

Debs, just do me this one favor, okay?

I can't take any chances.

Well, I'm not the one who left the cocaine out.

Do it.

God.

Hungry.

We have half a bag of cereal, two packs of oatmeal, and four frozen waffles.

You need to clean your room before school.

Get rid of anything that can make me look like a bad parent.

Go. Now.

Those are for my PO.

Upstairs.

[Sighs]

Are you dead?

[Groans] Not a chance.

Where were we?

Number nine, rob a convenience store.

Number ten, recycle scrap metal.

Number 11, prostitution.

Nix that one.

My thrill drill is out of juice.

You got to be kidding me!

Number 12, sperm bank.

See number 11.

Some sheik named Fahid Ahmed Habib or whatever is getting a brand-new set of lungs.

Government flew him in.

We get the newspaper?

Sheila does.

Look. Look.

Shaking hands with his surgeon.

Some towelhead gets to jump the line just 'cause he's a "important ally?"

Guy's got eight teenage wives dressed in tablecloths.

Won't even let 'em drive.

Look, Sammi.

Chuckie and I are trying-- we're-- we're writing--

Ah, f*ck it. Show her, Chuckles.

"Kidnap a walton heir.

Roadside fruit stand.

Contract k*ller."

What are these?

Ways to make money for my surgery.

Hey!

[Coughs]

What about an app version of my book?

The drug book that I'm writing?

[Coughing]

Got to keep hope alive, right?

Easy, honey.

[Loud flatulence]

[Grunts]

[Chuckles]

Here's your oxys and your perkies.

Just like mama used to make.

Whoa, that is bad.

Okay, all you glu-tards in the house, wheat-free flapjacks are ready.

Get them while they suck.

Hey, short-stack!

High five.

What's up with your kid, Phil?

Why's he so damn calm?

Brain damage.

Gotta tell you, man, I didn't think this was gonna work out.

Yeah.

Adorable.

He yours?

No, brother.

Deadbeat parents and so on.

Aw, so you take care of him?

Yeah. Yeah, no. I do my best.

Cool.

So enjoy.

[Clears throat]

Ever get a break from watching him?

Sure, yeah. Sometimes.

I'm free tomorrow morning.

Around 11:00.

Great.

Bye.

[KC Booker's Lulu]

Hey, what can I get you, sir?

♪ mm ♪
♪ eh, oh, eh, oh, eh, oh, eh, yeah ♪
♪ ♪
♪ sweet as a golden apple ♪
♪ fallen from a golden apple tree ♪
♪ ♪

Ugh.

♪ oh, I'd like to take a ride ♪
♪ if she'd only take a ride on me ♪

Jesus Christ, Carl.

♪ how many mountains must I climb ♪
♪ before I get a taste of what I'm due ♪
♪ ♪
♪ yeah ♪
♪ oh! ♪
♪ uh-huh ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ how many weekdays must I slide ♪
♪ before I get a piece of what I'm due? ♪

Yes, Deborah?

Can I use the bathroom?

Again?

Girl stuff.

[Sighs]

♪ they call her little Lulu ♪
♪ they call her little Lulu ♪
♪ they call her little Lulu ♪
♪ they call her little Lulu ♪
♪ oh, yeah ♪

So the bedrooms are all clean.

Who else lives in the house?

My two brothers, Carl and Liam, my sister, Debbie, and sometimes my brother Lip.

All younger?

Yes.

Will they help you not re-offend?

Well, yeah. I'm their guardian.

Is the family fully aware of the crime committed?

Oh, yes.

Do you have plans to leave the state of Illinois for any reason?

No.

Are you in possession of any firearms or dangerous weapons?

No.

Are you in contact with anyone who might cause you to engage in drug and alcohol abuse?

No.

Is anyone else in the household in trouble with the law?

Uh, no.

Not-- not in the household.

You must get tired of asking these questions every day.

Mm.

Do you want a cookie?

I baked them myself.

If you consider squeezing batter from a tube "baking."

Look, I'm not your friend.

I'm here to make sure you don't violate the terms of your probation.

Right.

So when can I get out of here and start looking for a job?

I'm the sole earner, and money's pretty tight.

You can't leave the house until a report is filed.

And how long does that take?

Five to ten business days.

Two weeks?

Sometimes quicker, but I wouldn't count on it.

What happens if I leave?

Does this thing, like, detonate?

If you attempt to leave the residence, a radio-frequency transmitter will send an alert to our service computer center and you, Miss Fiona, will be in deep sh*t.

I need a urine sample so that I can test your system for dr*gs.

No problem.

And I need to watch.

What?

Me pissing?

To be sure it's yours.

Believe me, I enjoy this even less than you do.

You need to wipe first.

[Exhales]

[Inhales suddenly]

[Groans]

Morning.

Uh, dobroye utro.

It is afternoon.

You sleep all day.

[Water running]

Oh!

I have baby soon.

I can not work.

Jeez.

He must take care of me and baby.

You go.

We do not need you.

You sleep here tonight in this house?

I k*ll you.

I bash your orange head.

Mm-hmm.

Vy ponimayete?

Yeah.

[Kaitlin Riegel's Silhouettes]

♪ oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ oh ♪
♪ all that's left of the great indoors ♪
♪ are silhouettes on wooden floors ♪

[Reverberates lips]

What?

No!

Come here.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, is this for real?

Are you really back?

For real. For now.

Oh, my God, you bastard, I missed you so much.

You're a piece of sh*t. You had me so worried.

Not one call?

I texted.

Yeah. Real detailed.

"Miss you guys, having fun."

I didn't want you to worry.

Well, I worried more, assh*le.

Where the hell were you?

The army. I enlisted.

The army?

Yeah.

I wanted to find myself.

Didn't think I could do it here.

Don't you have to be 18?

Don't know, don't care.

I left. Stuff got nuts.

What "stuff?"

Oh, m*llitary trying to control me.

Well, isn't that what the m*llitary does?

Got sick of it, but, hey, I met some amazing folks.

Got all these great ideas.

I'm a different person.

Hey, but we can talk about that later, right?

Sure.

Do you want a sandwich?

Yeah! Oh, starving.

It's yours.

Nice hardware.

Huh, yeah.

My winter boots don't fit.

All I can get on are f*ck-me pumps and tennis shoes.

[Laughing]

[Chuckles]

Are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah, great, why?

You seem a little caffeinated.

I quit smoking.

So what's next for you?

Oh, I've been thinking about apprenticing with this electrician I met.

You know, learn how to wire stuff.

What about high school?

Oh, well, Frank finished high school.

It worked out great for him.

You have to finish, Ian--

I don't have to do anything.

I'm done living the way other people want me to live.

But, hey, thanks for the sandwich.

Welcome home.

[Country rock music]

Yeah, it's a nice little piece, you know.

Quick to action, doesn't jam.

Easy, baby.

What else you packing?

What do you mean, like, d*ck-wise?

[Laughs]

No.

I mean, that's not your only w*apon, is it?

Well, how many g*ns does a guy need?

Well, it depends.

If you want to create the illusion of safety, then one piece is plenty.

But if you really want to be ready in the event of an emergency, you'll need to step it up.

One for every room in the house.

One for your car.

One at work.

And at least two on your person.

How many g*ns do you own?

Um, I got a Bushmaster AR15, an HK USP .45, Glock 23 .40 cal, my Sig Sauer P226R 9-millimeter, a Henry .22 Magnum, a Ruger SP101

3-inch six-sh*t, and my Walther P22.

I know a guy.

I can hook you up.

My motto is prepare and prevent, don't repair and repent.

The hell is this, poolside at the Flamingo?

We got a line of clients upstairs with their hands down their pants.

Go to work.

[Speaking Russian]

And you, don't think you're getting off just 'cause you're about to drop a patty from your fur-burger.

"Fur-burger?"

She won't shave.

I like the way God made me.

That's nice.

You're late again, I'm gonna dock you 50.

Carrot Boy is gone.

Who's Carrot Boy?

He knows who.

Where'd he go?

I don't know. I made him leave.

No room for him when baby comes.

The f*ck do I care?

And shave your f*cking muff.

[Phone ringing, indistinct chatter]

Teacher told me to come down to the office.

I wish I could say it's a pleasure to see you again, Mr. Gallagher.

Your handiwork?

I don't want to brag.

We have a problem.

They're the ones with the problem.

Can't fight for sh*t.

Why did you as*ault all these students?

Talkin' smack about my brother.

All of them?

And that one's got stupid hair.

And that one smells like bologna farts.

And the one whose hand you smashed in a locker?

And the one you pushed down the stairs?

Too short, maybe?

I don't remember.

You're hereby suspended from school.

8:00 AM Friday morning, you will come back with a parent or guardian and you will apologize to all these children in the presence of their parents or your suspension will last indefinitely.

Which means?

Expulsion.

Which means?

Go home, Carl.

Come back with a parent.

I can't wait to see who created you.

[Rock music]

♪ ♪

Hey.

My first class tomorrow is at 11:30, so we're gonna stay here tonight, and then Friday it's 8:00 AM so we're gonna stay at the dorms tomorrow night.

Got it. Got it.

Hi! Hi, hi.

There we go.

Hi, my big boy.

Hi.

Did you miss me today?

Yeah.

Oh, you did?

Yeah.

I missed you too.

Oh, you brought dinner. That's great.

That means we can move tonight's mac and cheese to tomorrow, which gives us an extra day of food before we panic.

Panic?

Yeah.

I got to pay the heat and electric before I buy groceries.

It's pretty bleak.

I got a check coming from the cups, but that's gonna cover rent, and food-wise, we're low on everything but macaroni and mayonnaise.

You saved nothing from your job?

I was trying to catch up on old bills.

How'd he do today?

Yeah, he's fine.

Carl got suspended.

What?

Shut up, ass-brain.

Hi, Lip.

Hey, kiddo, how are ya?

Hey, bud.

Hey.

I need someone to go to school with me Friday morning or I'll be expelled.

Well, I can't leave the house yet.

They need to reschedule.

Did you tell them I'm stuck at home?

No.

Well, go in tomorrow and tell them I'm sick.

I have shingles or mono.

I'll take you, bruiser. What time?

8:00 AM.

Oh, f*ck. I got class.

Can you make it a little later, like, around noon?

No, parents will be there and stuff.

Hi, new family.

Door was open.

I won't stay long, just wanted to let you know, dad's at Sheila's house.

We're living there a bit. It's a really great place.

Plenty of room, lots of light.

Thanks for the update.

Any of you guys have any extra cash?

Dad wants money for his surgery.

Why not get a job?

Right now, my full-time career is taking care of our pops before he goes.

Well, we're broke.

Wish we could help you.

Okay. Doesn't hurt to ask.

If anyone wants to stop by, give his morale a boost, hope can heal.

Oh, yeah, can hope make up for the years of misery that he put us through?

Maybe. Come by.

Find out.

He doesn't deserve to go out like this.

No one does.

Why not ask Frank to go to school with you, Carl?

Ian here?

He's upstairs.

All: Ian's here?

[Door opens]

[Door closes]

See you left. Took all your sh*t.

Your bride threatened me with a claw hammer.

[Door opens]

You're back!

Oh, hey, guys.

Oh, man. I missed you guys.

[Laughs]

Hey, man.

Hey.

Come here.

Lip says you stole a helicopter.

I tried to.

Kind of tipped it.

Blades snapped. Motor caught fire.

Awesome. You sh**t anyone?

I never left basic.

You can't sh**t anyone there?

You can. I didn't.

You sh*t no one. You flew nothing.

Why'd you even go there in the first place?

Relationship issues.

Yeah, you okay?

Yup, all good.

Cool.

All right. Well, let's go get some dinner, dorks.

Hey, I'll catch up with you later, yeah?

Yeah, later, man.

All right.

Come on, let's--

Go.

[Door closes]

You coming back?

Depends.

Will you suck my d*ck whenever I want?

f*ck off.

What you writing?

Stuff.

Notes, ideas.

I'll do it.

Do what?

Don't make me say it, asswipe.

Suck my d*ck.

Whenever I want.

[Up-tempo rock music]

♪ ♪

Peas.

I thought of something.

Be specific.

We could sell the house.

Which house?

This one. Sheila's.

We don't have the title. Sweet potatoes.

Don't need it.

We put a sign out front, offer way below market, have people make cash offers for earnest money.

Wash, rinse, repeat.

"Earnest money"? Lentils.

They give us 3% of the purchase price, we say we'll take it off the market.

We don't, of course. We just grab the cash.

Do this four or five times, rake in maybe 11 grand.

Christ on a crumb bun.

I know, right?

Nothing like a major scam to life a person's spirits.

How do you know all this?

I may have done this once or twice before with one or more husbands.

[Sweet light rock music]

You really are a Gallagher.

[Sighs]

♪ ♪

[Locksley's Black Ajax]

♪ ♪
♪ ooh ♪
♪ ooh ♪
♪ ooh ♪
♪ ooh ♪
♪ when all the mas and the pas ♪
♪ tell 'em please to go away ♪
♪ yeah, when all the mother... ♪
♪ were coming out to play, yeah ♪
♪ ooh ♪
♪ that's when I'm rollin' in, rollin' in ♪
♪ you hear me rollin' in, rollin' in ♪
♪ you see me rollin' in, rollin' in ♪
♪ you feel me rollin' in, rollin' in ♪
♪ ooh ♪
♪ ooh ♪
♪ all the fellas call my name ♪
♪ and the girlies pull my hair ♪
♪ they like my ties and my shoes ♪
♪ and ...'em if they dare, now ♪
♪ ooh ♪
♪ 'cause now I'm rollin' in, rollin' in ♪
♪ you hear me rollin' in, rollin' in ♪
♪ ♪

[Bracelet beeping]

So then my TI comes crashing through my door, right, and chases me.

I'm so scared, I run smack into a water fountain, bust it right off the wall.

What?

Yeah, I know.

Water sprays everywhere.

And he wakes everyone up at 2:00 AM in the morning, forces them to watch me do push-ups in the freezing cold water while singing.

Singing?

♪ well, then it's hi, hi, hey ♪
♪ the army's on its way ♪
♪ count off the cadence loud and strong ♪
♪ two, three, for wherever you go ♪
♪ you will always know ♪
♪ that the army goes marching along ♪

[Laughs]

Hey.

Hey.

Everything okay?

Still in school?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's, um, it's under control.

Is Mickey here?

Yeah, he's upstairs. Why?

You always so g*dd*mn noisy in the morning?

What?

Your wife's water broke.

Let's go.

Go where?

The hospital.

She's having the baby?

Tell her I said good luck.

What, you're not gonna go be with her?

Hell, no. I got work.

It's not the baby's fault you guys are a sh*t show.

Yeah, and it's not my fault the bitch got knocked up.

Who the f*ck knows if it's even mine?

You're an assh*le.

Congrats.

Full house, like old times.

Smells good. Leftovers?

You destroyed my art project.

It's completely ruined.

You're such a bitch!

Whoa, Debbie!

She went into my room, she trashed all of my stuff, and she kicked all of my clothes under the bed.

I asked you to clean up.

Did you?

She went through mine too.

She threw away my p*rn, my nunchucks, and my taser.

You know how many police dumpsters I had to go through to find that?

I told you to get rid of that stuff.

I hid it so the stupid PO wouldn't find it.

Well, luckily, your stupid sister found it first.

God, maybe next time you'll do what I ask, both of you.

There's macaroni salad sandwiches for lunch.

Extra mayo.

Don't need it.

I'm suspended.

Well, you still need to eat.

Look, we're gonna get out of here, okay?

We'll be back for dinner tonight.

Well, Lip, you can leave Liam here.

I got him.

No, I-- Lip.

Look, Fiona, just get some sleep, okay?

Hang out with V.

Relax, for f*ck's sake.

You guys text me if anything's going on, okay?

Yeah, sure. Come on, Carl. Let's go.

Where are you going?

To Sheila's.

Why?

To see if Frank can take me to school tomorrow morning.

Well, when will you be back?

Later. Get off my ass.

Bye, Ian.

Bye, Debs.

Hey.

Want some more?

You got any cash you could toss my way?

I'm working a double tonight.

You want to stop by?

Yeah, sure.

Got nothing better to do than watch a bunch of pruney queens slap their sacks against your ass cheeks.

sh*t!

Hey! Guys!

Hi, um, Sheila left me a key.

I'm so glad you came. Welcome.

Supposed to water the plants.

Why is there a for sale sign out front?

Dad, Debbie and Carl are here.

Can you come with me to school tomorrow morning?

Have to cancel my morning spin class.

What's up?

I got suspended for bullying.

Need a parent to come with me to apologize.

Apo--

[Sighs]

Outrageous.

Feed me numbing agents and drag me to the ring.

You are in no shape to go anywhere.

He needs to or else I'll get expelled.

I'm so sorry, Carl, but he's too weak.

[Mouthing words]

Could I borrow a long sweater?

Of course, honey. Here.

Thanks.

Do you need anything else?

Um...

Oh, okay.

Hey, Carl, if you grab those balloons and tie them to the sign out front, I'll let you hold my g*n.

I got my period, but all Fiona has are tampons and I'm saving my virginity until I become a woman.

Okay, first of all, you can't lose your virginity to a tampon.

It has to be a penis with a man attached.

And second, you're already a woman.

Officially.

From the moment Aunt Flo came knocking at your vag*na.

Then why won't my boyfriend have sex with me until I'm 16?

Wow.

They still make them like that?

You got a good one.

Tampons are varsity level, and you are still JV.

Here, try these.

Thanks.

Could I stay here tonight?

I love a sleepover.

Absolutely.

[Ukulele music]

♪ ♪

[Bracelet beeping]

[Sighs]

Hey, what's up?

Uh, listen, I'm trying to take the trash out.

Could you come help?

Sure. You need anything else?

How about a gallon of vodka?

All right, I'll be there in 20 minutes.

Thanks.

So we have Legos, Mr. Potato head, dinosaurs, cars.

Make sure he eats at least half his PB&J before you give him his Cheetos, and he hasn't pooped today, but he'll usually grab his butt and yell "Doody b*mb!"

So you'll have fair warning.

What else-- oh.

Keep an eye on his crayons.

He likes to jam them up his nose.

Okay, got it.

This kid, total dreamboat.

The men in my life should be half as charming.

Okay, then we got band-aids, butt wipes-- oh, stuffed monkey, of course.

Two bouncy balls, two puzzles, very hungry hippos, and then we've got a thermometer and then children's tylenol, you know, just in case he gets a fever.

Okay, how long are you gonna be gone for?

Oh, three hours, but, you know, you can't be too careful.

You're a really good person.

No, if I were a really good person, then I would quit school and I'd stay home full time.

Well, who does that help?

Right. Um...

Okay, so I'll be back at 2:00.

Is that still cool?

Don't forget about the ABC party tonight at the dorm.

What's that?

Oh, you know.

"Anything But Clothes."

Duct tape, caution tape, trash bags, bedsheets.

Okay, well, I got a lit paper due tomorrow, but that sounds fun.

Here you go.

And thank you so much for doing all this.

You know, I wish I could think of a way to repay you.

I'm sure you'll think of something.

[Light rock music]

♪ ♪

Hey. Hi.

Hey.

So, uh, I got a lab at half-past, so I only got, like, 20 minutes.

That's okay. I'm quick.

Right, and also I'm kind of going through some sh*t, so I'm not really looking for anything too, uh--

Dude, I'm cold, I'm horny, let's do this.

Okay. Uh, so your laundry room or mine?

Up and down, come on!

Let's burn the fat.

Swing that booty!

With figure eight fitness, I lost a total 21 pounds.

I've lost 7 1/2 inches around my waist and 53 pounds.

I've lost 15--

[Frenetic rock music]

♪ ♪

[Knocking at door]

[Knocking continues]

The f*ck are you doing here?

I brought you a little gift.

Cronuts. I stood online 40 minutes for those.

Only let me have two.

What do you want?

A trendy hybrid pastry for starts.

Yo.

Mike told me.

The coke, the kid, jail.

I can't imagine what you're going through.

I'm stuck in this f*cking house.

I just organized Carl's t-shirts in color order.

I'm going mental.

Can't even make it to the sidewalk without bells going off.

I, uh--

So should I be expecting a knock on my door?

What for?

It was my coke.

Heh.

That's why you're here, to see if I ratted you out to the police.

And to check on you--

f*ck you.

Yes or no--

No, assh*le.

I should have.

They would have let me off easier.

Well, yeah, why didn't you?

'Cause I hate myself for a number of reasons right now and I'm not going to add being a snitch to the list.

Okay.

You ruined my life, you know that?

Dropping that little b*mb on Mike in front of your family.

I did you a favor, okay?

The cup job sucks and my brother's a boring yuppie assh*le, all right?

Hey, girl.

Sorry I took so long.

Got held up in the bathroom by the two girls in my gut sitting on my bladder blocking my functions.

Damn, you look like hell.

Yeah, I'm not sleeping.

Good thing I brought over some snooze juice.

Uh-huh.

All right, all right.

We're accepting cash only offers to expedite the sale, which is why the price is so low.

Our lawyers will hold the money in escrow.

We need to unload it fast.

Paying two mortgages is k*lling us, plus dad needs to get to a warmer climate ASAP.

I mean, look at him.

Easy, grandpa.

We're looking to do a renovation, a four-month turnaround.

We'll purchase under ask.

All cash.

Duke it out with the hasids.

Put an offer down about 10 minutes ago.

Skinny dudes. You could probably take them.

This couch is for sale and that table and the TV.

How much for this chair?

How much you want to pay?

Well, how about--

Cash only. Please.

Dad, it's working.

They're falling for it.

Isn't this fun?

Yeah.

You okay?

Yeah.

I'm conserving my energy for Carl's thing tomorrow.

Every g*n's loaded, okay?

So here we got your Bushmaster XM-15 semiautomatic.

Premium 16-inch chrome-lined profile barrel.

[Chuckles]

Sweet.

What do you think about home protection?

I got three little ones on the way.

Safeguarding the old homestead, huh?

Hey, second amendment, brother.

Got to protect my freedom one b*llet at a time.

Okay, so...

Milkor M32 MGL-140 grenade launcher.

Protects a shitload of freedoms.

Six-round cylinder, double-action, m*llitary grade w*apon.

Missing a few parts, but...

[Chuckling] it still sh**t.

It's heavy.

What are we talking here?

How much?

Well, around five grand.

$5,000?

Yeah.

Aw, come on, man.

[Cell phone notification dings]

How much for the bat?

Holy sh*t.

I got to go.

Holy sh*t.

That's it?

Concierge.

Medical coder. Transcriptionist?

I don't even know what half this sh*t is?

Other than supremely boring?

[Sighs]

No one needs me any more, V.

Debbie's dating.

Lip's in college.

Carl's in trouble at school and I can't help him.

Who knows what's up with Ian.

They're all growing up. What'd you expect?

Time for you to figure out your own needs.

Tech support provider.

[Scoffs]

Underqualified.

Translator.

Underqualified.

There's p*rn.

Overqualified.

[Both chuckle]

Hey, what are you doing?

Finding ways to make money from home.

Huh.

Hey, is something burning?

Smell that?

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, sh*t!

sh*t!

[Laughing]

Oh, my God. Oh, sh*t.

[Smoke alarm beeping]

Fire in the hole.

Not my hole.

[Both laughing]

You just let it burn?

We got distracted.

Oh, God. Ugh.

You're shitfaced.

Since when is is a felony for a Gallagher to drink?

Calm down. It's my fault. I brought the vodka.

Oh, and poured it down her throat?

You're the one who told me to relax.

Somebody shut that thing up!

[Smoke alarm continues beeping]

f*ck. Burn the house down, okay?

Burn the food too, you know, I can always steal some more from my shitty work-study job, right?

I'm going through something here.

Yeah, it looks like you went through about five beverages in an hour, Fiona.

Have another one. Why not?

You're your own woman. Right?

No, bang the boss's brother.

Leave coke out on the table for the kids.

Get arrested.

Do whatever the f*ck you need to do.

I've got this.

Hey, Carl, go upstairs, get your toothbrush and something to sleep in.

He has the suspension meeting tomorrow.

Oh, no worries. No worries.

I'll get him to Sheila's in time.

Stay up all night studying.

I mean, what the f*ck?

It's just an applied physics quiz.

Where's Debbie?

She's at Sheila's with Sammi.

Veronica!

Yeah?

You're not answering your phone?

I didn't hear it. What's up?

Carol. She's in labor.

What? Oh, sh*t.

Wish us luck.

There's something burning.

Let's go. Come on.

Go-- no.

Hey, come on. Lip, please.

You don't have to take them.

You're right. I don't.

Come on. What about dinner?

Enjoy.

[Smoke alarm continues beeping]

[Sighs]

Shut up!

[Screams]

[ZZ Ward's Move Like U Stole It]

♪ ♪
♪ I want you in my bed in a minute flat ♪
♪ let's hit the backseat of your cherry Cadillac ♪

Those fingers go anywhere near that cock, I'm gonna break every knuckle in your hand, all 15 of them.

Settle down, rumble fish.

Anyway, a hand only has 14 knuckles.

You want to f*cking die?

♪ down to the fifth ♪
♪ and hit that gas pedal with a hell of a kick ♪

We got invited to an after-hours at the loft of one of my regulars.

It's fun.

What's wrong with fun?

Nothing unless it involves some fat f*gg*t shoving his hands down--

No-- f*ck.

♪ so let's not think and just ♪
♪ move like you stole it ♪
♪ move like you stole it ♪
♪ make your move on me ♪
♪ ♪
♪ make your move on me ♪

I mean, I think about him all the time.

Mm.

Whenever my brain pauses, he just shows up, even when I don't want him to.

What do you think about?

Like, his hair, his eyes, sometimes just his name.

Is that normal?

Absolutely.

Because my two friends, Holly and Ellie?

Uh-huh?

They're always like, "Boys are stupid," and they act like they hate them.

But I never feel that way.

How do you feel?

Um, this is weird.

Like I want to protect him.

Is that weird?

No, honey.

I also feel sick and dizzy.

Mm, that's how everyone gets when they're falling in love.

But I thought it was supposed to feel good.

It does sometimes.

The good parts are so good, you're willing to suffer an unbelievable amount of pain just to get to them.

That's why I have been married three times and engaged 12.

But when do the good parts start?

Well, right now it's hard.

He changed the rules a little bit by dumping you.

Best thing to do?

Act like you don't give a sh*t.

How do I do that?

Well, hang out with him. Make yourself pretty.

Give him the opportunity to consider what he gave up.

That's how a woman handles things.

And then he'll want me back?

Have to be patient.

This is a long con, baby.

You're in it to win it.

Stay the course.

Got it.

Thanks for talking to me.

I can't talk to Fiona about any of this stuff.

She's a total spaz right now.

But also, I think she's afraid of ending up alone.

That's her sh*t, not yours.

All done. Need help wipin' and walkin'.

Coming, dad.

Be right back.

PS, I love having a sister.

[Chuckles]

Me too.

[Rock music]

[Students cheering]

♪ get lost in your eyes ♪
♪ we can leave the lights on, girl ♪
♪ so I'll continue to get high ♪
♪ no time for second guessing ♪

Hey, kiddo, you doing okay?

Yeah, is college always like this?

Ask Ron.

Well, I don't party that much, and I try not to play more than eight hours of Minecraft a day.

And then you start doing better in school?

All this could be yours.

College rules.

♪ ♪

[Chuckles]

Check out these digs.

Look at that view.

What does this joker do?

He's an engineer and part-time photographer.

I think he took some of these pictures actually.

Oh, yeah?

Why'd he want you to come here then, huh?

Oh, come on, not everybody wants something from me, Mick.

Ian.

Hey!

So happy you could make it.

Ryan.

Oh, good to be here.

Mmm.

Hey, this is Mickey.

Delighted to meet you.

Uh, could I get either of you a cocktail?

Yeah, you got beer?

I've got some Craft Brews, a Stout, IPA, Winter Wheat.

How about beer?

[Chuckles] Right.

Could I be any more of a f*g?

One beer coming up. Ian?

Let's see what you got.

You're new. Hi.

Hey.

You here with Ian?

Yeah.

He's great.

So what do you do for living?

I run business.

What kind of business?

Hospitality.

Oh, nice. What realm?

I'm a pimp.

[Laughs softly]

Wait, you're serious?

That's incredible.

My dissertation is on transgender sex work and symbolic interactionism within the framework of hustler-client relations.

You got a card?

[Soft acoustic guitar music]

♪ ♪
♪ and I know the world keeps spinning ♪

Night, Debs.

♪ and I know I'm out of time ♪

Night, Frank.

Monica.

♪ I know the world keeps spinning ♪
♪ but I'll take ♪

Good night, Fiona.

♪ my time ♪
♪ with you ♪

Good night, Lip. Night, Carl and Ian.

♪ and I know the world keeps spinning ♪
♪ I know I'm out of time ♪

[Sniffs]

♪ and I know the world keeps spinning ♪

Good night, Liam.

[Sobbing]

♪ but I'll take my time ♪
♪ with you ♪
♪ ♪

[The F String's Nothing At All]

♪ ♪

Whoa.

It's time.

Oh, sh*t.

Time to be a daddy.

Wait, what, we missed it?

Why didn't anyone wake us?

I told her not to.

I needed to do this on my own.

[Coos at baby]

Oh, hey.

Hey.

Whoa.

He-- he's-- he's nothing.

He's just softness and goo.

Hey, buddy.

I'm your daddy.

And your brother-in-law. How weird is that?

You know, he did that little thing that babies do where they can smell their mommy's milk, and he could hear my voice when I was talking to him.

And then he laid up on my chest and he found my nipple and he took a little snack.

You okay, mama?

You know, it's just a little emotional, that's all.

Did I take him too soon?

Here you go.

Here's grandma.

Oh.

[Crying]

Oh, he's such-- he's such a little angel.

He's an angel that you didn't want.

That was hypothetical.

But he came from me.

He's part of me.

Jesus, mama.

[Sniffles]

I'm sorry. I just--

I just didn't know I was gonna feel this way.

[Sniffs]

But he's just-- he's just so beautiful.

It's okay, mama.

You can visit him any time you want to.

He's a little angel.

Kev.

Kevin.

He's my little angel.

Kev, she wants to keep him.

She can't.

She's not gonna let go of that baby.

Well, she has to.

After everything I've been though with him, he's mine, V.

Kev, three babies?

I don't care.

That boy is my son.

Look at me.

Hey.

Look at me.

There can be two.

Our two beautiful baby girls.

She's a good mom.

She'll be great.

Look how well I turned out.

Yeah, well, the jury's still out on that.

I don't want to lose him, V.

He'll still be right there with mom.

He'll still be your son.

Your boy.

Her responsibility.

Let him go, baby.

[Crying]

[Phone vibrating]

Yeah?

I know you don't trust me.

I know you want to punish me, and I get it.

I want to punish myself.

I have no way to prove myself to you or anyone.

But, Christ, Lip, this, like, relentless passive aggressive bullshit, it's k*lling me.

I need my family back, okay?

Please?

[Jazz music playing softly]

♪ ♪

Whoa! Whoa. Easy, k*ller.

I'm taking breakfast orders.

Scrambled eggs, pancakes or French toast?

[Exhales]

Eggs.

And what do you think he'll want?

How the f*ck should I know, man?

I'm not his keeper.

Right. Didn't mean to assume.

So... did you guys just meet last night, or are you together?

Together.

Cool.

You're a lucky dude.

There you go.

Fresh as a daisy.

You look terrific.

Now let's go knock 'em dead.

Good morning.

Frankly, Mr. Gallagher, your son's behavior has been among the most egregious I've seen at this school, and I've been here a long time.

Don't look a day over 90.

[Snorts]

He terrorizes these students to the point that they move through my halls in fear.

School should not be a palace of terror.

It should be a temple of learning.

If children do not feel safe, how can they learn?

They can't.

She's asking me, Chipwich.

The only way to get through to Carl is have him face the truth of what he's done and let him absorb it in a meaningful way.

Do that, okay?

He can't just do it.

He needs to actively engage.

Got any suggestions.

Yeah.

He should apologize to my kid and every other kid here.

Individually. Like he means it.

Oh, spare us the Wiener act.

Bullying is a vital part of every ecosystem.

It teaches kids resilience.

The world is a rough place.

Bullying is like getting inoculated.

It's a vaccine.

And you little sh*t, you got to learn to stay away from people like my son.

That's what you learn when you get punched in the face by a bully.

How do you think Steve Jobs turned out so great?

Bullies.

And I guarantee Junior here will be getting the hottest chicks when he's 30 because he got bullied today.

You want your kid to peak now?

My kid will be picking up roadside garbage in an orange jumpsuit in ten years.

Your kid will be in med school curing cancer and getting laid.

You're welcome.

What if I want to cure cancer?

Be lucky you don't get gonorrhea from your cell mate.

Spoken with love, son.

Home.

I am so proud of you, dad.

[Country rock music]

Hey, hey, congratulations, brother.

We lost him.

God, how?

Stillbirth?

Carol.

She kept him.

He's not dead?

No.

Just a little less ours.

Sorry to hear that, man.

But, hey, you still got two on the way.

I was supposed to have four.

I keep losing babies.

I mean, what if there was a Russian satellite that took out all the communication in the world poof!

Two more babies gone.

Or if there was a mutant virus that turned us all into zombies--

That's a movie.

Several movies.

So? It could happen.

See, babies change your perspective.

There's danger lurking everywhere.

Now, I'm gonna start collecting survival gear.

Canned goods, medical stuff, walkie-talkies, flashlights.

My motto?

Prepare and prevent, don't repair and repent.

That's my motto.

You can't own a motto, Kermit.

[Cartoon g*nshots]

Get him! Get him.

Oh! He disappeared. What the heck?

He'll regenerate behind you in two seconds.

Turn around.

Oh! Oh, no!

Oh, he bit me in the back.

[Groans]

Jerkface.

So rude.

Aw, man.

Yeah.

[Laughs]

I'm glad we could stay friends.

Yeah. Yeah, me too.

Do you want to get a pizza? Or...

I wish I could, but I have a date tonight.

Got to go home and get cleaned up.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah, sure. No problem.

But it was was fun hanging out.

Yeah.

High five.

[Chuckles]

See you.

I'll see you.

[The Dig's You And I]

♪ ♪

Hi.

Hi.

Thanks.

No problem.

♪ you and I scrape the pavement ♪
♪ with a stone ♪
♪ ♪

And so what have we learned?

Bullying is bad for society.

It hurts people and makes them feel bad.

It must be stopped.

Very good.

[Locksley's Black Ajax]

Forgot my lunch.

Give me money.

Give me money, chihuahua.

Come on, give me money.

♪ rollin' in, rollin' in ♪