03x14 - The Gloves Are Off

Narrator: The shark's oily liver keeps it buoyant and balanced in the water.


Okay, I just want to reconfirm your yard-sale requests.

Grandma... anything with Garfield on it.

Eddie... Used gold grille.

Emery... old silk ties.

Evan... horse stickers.

Unicorns okay, too?

As long as it has four hooves and a beautiful face, I want it.

Why do you need to wear my fishing vest to go yard-sale shopping?

I put different dollar amounts in various pockets.

When a seller gives me a price, I reach into a pocket with a lesser amount, pull it out, and act like it's all I have to offer.

"$4 for a Lite-Brite? But I only have $3."


Oh, um, I'm holding those for...

[Clears throat]

S03E14 - The Gloves Are Off

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪
♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪
♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪
♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

[Sighs] Well, this is a disaster.

Your mother and I are back and forth at each other's house so often, it's hard to remember whose Tupperware is whose.

Well, let's assume yours are the ones with the spaghetti stains.

It looks like the rest are ours.

[Door opens]


Hey, Nicole.

Looks like you had a productive week with your mom.

Yeah, we went to the outlet mall.

I bought a ton of tube socks.

I'm gonna cut the feet off and wear them as tops.

[Chuckles] That's creative.

Did you also work on your science project?


Nicole, the plan was, you were going to finish it at Sarah's.

I know, but we were just havingo much fun.

Right, Mom?

Wait. She's here?

[Dramatic music plays] [Gasps]

Hey, hussy.

Surprised to see you standing.

Between all your digging for gold and those fake clangers on your chest, your back must be killing you.

I'm gonna use the master bathroom.

You remember... The one I had re-tiled while you were slappin' cakes with my husband.

I'm glad she's going to the bathroom because her mouth belongs in the toilet.

[Doorbell rings]

Sarah came into the house today.


No. Marvin's ex-wife, Nicole's mother.

Well, if Sarah McLachlan ever does come over, tell her her new album is so great.

Anyway, she had Nicole for a whole week, and they didn't get her homework done, so now I'm scrambling to help her come up with a science project.

Did you tell Marvin about it?

I tried.

So, Sarah came in the house today, just barged in like she still lives here.

She is always rude to me, and she is not responsible when it comes to Nicole.

I really think you need to step up and...

Sounds like you just need to deal with Sarah yourself, confront her.

Mnh, it's fine. I just needed to vent.

Well, I should head out. I'll call you later.

I have to go work on Nicole's science experiment.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in high school again, minus my dreads.

Sharks do not normally hunt humans.

When they do attack people, it is usually a case of mistaken identity.

This is exactly what sharks want us to think.

When we return, the secret mating habits of the whale shark.

Eddie, can you change the channel to PBS?

Emery and I want to see what Julia Child is baking today.

You crazy? You heard the man.

They about to reveal some s*x secrets.

Shh! Eddie...

Narrator: Go everywhere you want with the ease and comfort of the Jazzy 1115 Power Chair.

The Jazzy turns on a dime making it ideal for...

...cruise the neighborhood, visit your friends...

Yes. A child.

I'd like to talk about this $7 blender.

I'll give you $4.

Well, since you're wearing olive green...

My favorite color... Okay.

$4 for the blender, please.

Oh, shucks. But I only have $3.

Tell you what... I'll give you $3 for it, and I'll pretend I didn't notice the calcium stains in the pitcher.

You're scaring me.

I'm gonna have to check with my dad.

My Aunt Judy, who recently passed away, had this exact same vacuum.

I know she would have wanted me to have it... offered to me at a lower price.

[Voice breaking] It's just who my Aunt Judy was.

Okay, okay.

I'll let you have it for $15.

Oh, thank you. Thank you!


My dad says you don't look like you're worth the hassle.

$3 is fine.

Your dad is a smart man.

And that'll be $20 for the Joan Baez record.

Oh. I... I thought it came with the blender.

Nice negotiating.

Did you use Visine for the tears or onion powder?

Oh, they're real.

I think about the bargains I missed in the past get me in the right headspace.

And then, to get the tears flowing, I think about all the kittens that died during the filming of "Milo and Otis."

I like you.


Ew. Eddie used the same knife, and now there's mayo in the mustard jar.

I don't know why you're being all precious.

I licked both your bread slices.

I'm in a rush, son.

I don't want to miss any of the shark marathon.

You know, I was thinking... Grandma looked so happy when she saw that motorized-wheelchair commercial.

Maybe we can get her one.

We can surprise her with it.

Well, that's a nice thought, boys, but I'm sure those machines are very expensive.

I called the toll-free number, and they said immobile seniors can qualify for a free Jazzy Power Chair if they're 65 or older.

And Grandma is...?

I don't know.

You don't know?

You don't know!

But she made you.

Do you know your mom's age?

31. 28. 43.

That's the combination to the padlock on the shed.

Um, Grandma, how old are you?

But you know when your birthday is.

I get that.

March 24th was my steak birthday.

[Funky music playing]

[Indistinct conversations]

[Music box playing "Mary Had a Little Lamb"]

That's beautiful.

Did you write that?


[Door closes]

Oh, I am so glad you called.

I need a drink.

All day, I've been helping Nicole with her science project.


How was the yard sale?


I got a blender, I got this music box, and I got some porcelain mice figurines.

[Inhales sharply]

Three ciders? Who's the extra glass for?

What the hell are you doing here?

What the hell are you doing here?

Jessica invited me.

Jessica invited me.

You guys know each other?

This is Sarah, Nicole's mom.

This is Sarah, Sarah?

And that's whore-face, the woman who stole my husband.

You know what? I'm out of here.

No. You can't go.

I just put 50 cents in the jukebox, and I picked the two best songs from Sarah McLachlan's "Fumbling Towards Ecstasy."

And Deb doesn't let anyone leave when McLachlan is playing.

All right, everybody.

I need you to close your eyes and get ready to feel this.

[Cheers and applause]

Okay, Sarah, bring it.

[Sarah McLachlan's "Possession" plays]

And then the delivery man backed his truck over my lawn.

My point is, that was a real enemy.

This, between you two, is fixable.

♪ Close your eyes ♪

You want to take mine, too?

I already put my mouth on it.

Seems to be your move.

Mnh-mnh, no.

My move would be taking that cider, unhappy with its previous glass, and upgrading it to a fresh, new glass who is capable of love.

Also, the old glass has a prescription-drug problem.

I have fibromyalgia!

Two strong women giving each other a hard time.

This is good.

This is healing.

[Sniffles] [Applause]

[Voice breaking] Okay, everyone, uh...

[Music fading] just as a reminder, we're an official vendor for Women's Fest tickets.

See Pam at the bar.

Woman: Whoo! Yeah, girl!

I'm leaving.

Me too.

Stop following me.

There's only one door.

Narrator: Strange items have been found in the stomachs of tiger sharks, including old license plates, alarm clocks, tennis rackets.

If Mom won't get me a gold grille, maybe I can find one inside a shark.

Eddie, come on. Help us figure out how old Grandma is.

Grandma, when you were younger, did you miss school because, "A," polio, "B," plague, or "C," volcanoes?

Well, we were...

Emery's doing a report about grandmothers for school.

[Whispers] What? Why would you say that?

So we can surprise her with the chair.


Where are you going?

To write the report.

If my grandmother thinks I'm writing a report on her, then I'm writing a report on her.

I don't know about y'all, but I'm going to heaven.

[Doorbell rings]

I am sorry about yesterday.

If I had known that Sarah was Marvin's ex, I never would have put you in that awkward position.

Please accept your Tupperware as an apology.

[Chuckles] It's okay.

It's not your fault.

[Timer dings]

That's for Nicole's science project.

Come on in.

We're studying the effects of different corrosive acids on tooth enamel.

Ooh. Share your findings.

Nice potion kit.

Nicole, you were supposed to take the teeth out when the timer went off.

This was a controlled experiment.

So I'll do it now. It's not a big deal.

It is a big deal.

This is your school project, and you need to get a good grade on it.

You don't want to repeat ninth grade like you did eight.

So, what if I do get held back?

Mom didn't even graduate from high school, and she's doing great.

She deejays at the Radisson on Sundays, and she's the head of the glove department at Saks.

She said she can hook me up with a job there whenever.

Department head.

She sells gloves out of a 4x4 counter next to the bathroom.

She's a subdivision of Hats and Scarves.

[Scoffs] And she's way more fun than you.

Uh, young lady, we're in the middle of an experiment!

Or have you forgotten about the teeth-heat trial in the oven?



What was the goal?

I hate always having to be the hard-ass.

[Scoffs] You know, Nicole has so much potential, but she won't challenge herself because Sarah keeps telling her she has some glove job waiting for her, which, by the way, Sarah doesn't even need because Marvin pays her a ton of alimony.

I wish that wasn't even an option for Nicole.

I wish she would think bigger and realize there's more out there.

Thank you for letting me vent.


[Door closes] That's what I'm here for.

Hey. Whoa.

Where... Where did you get these?

[Telephone ringing]

[Line disconnects]

Well, second cousin Susan hung up on me again.

I think we've exhausted our options.

You could pay the long distance.

Yeah, I think we're out of options.

I finished my report on Grandma. I've got great news.

I was looking through old photographs, and I figured out how old she is.

Well, spit it out, man. How old is she?

Does she qualify for a Jazzy Chair?

She does. [Chuckles] [Chuckles]

[Telephone rings] Hello?

Automated recording: You have received a collect call from...

[Muzak plays]

Excuse me. Do you...

Oh, there's the bathroom. Never mind.

Hey, Jessica, nice to see you.

Who's buying these gloves? Murderers?

They're supposed to be putting the head on a snowman.

I see it now.

So, what are you doing here?

I wanted to talk to you about something.

Sure. What's up?

Somebody ripped out a bunch of seat protectors in there and threw them on the floor.

Okay, well, that's not my department.

[Scoffs] All right. Okay.

You're welcome.

Thank you... for...

I took care of your problem.

I got Sarah fired.


What do you mean you got Sarah fired?

You said you didn't want her getting Nicole a job at Saks to be an option, and now... it's not.

What did you do?

I went to Sarah's work, and I talked to her.

I explained to her how she's putting you in a difficult position with Nicole, always having to be the hard-ass.

She did not agree.

She had a different version of events.

So I listened to her patiently, said goodbye, then I went and found her manager and told him she was a racist.

She said something racist to you?

No, of course not, but I told him she did.

I said, "She refused to sell me gloves because her uncle fought in the war."

What war? Whatever war. Doesn't matter.

Jessica, when I said that thing about Sarah and Nicole, I was just venting.

Exactly. I know.

Do you?



[Sighs] Okay, fine.

I have no idea what you're talking about!

You keep using this word "venting."

What does that even mean?

If you didn't know, why didn't you ask?

Because sometimes I need our conversations to move along, Honey.

Do you know how long they would take if I had to stop you every time I didn't understand a word you used?

"Venting," "closure," "Clinique."

"Venting" means talking stuff out.

I just needed you to listen.

I did.

I listened to your problem, and then I, as a friend, help you to fix it.

This is just gonna make things harder for me.

I mean, God knows I don't like Sarah, but I definitely didn't want her to lose her job.

I thought you said she didn't even need that job.

Again, I was just venting.

I'm not even positive that's true.

So, venting is lying.

And what about Nicole?

She's gonna hear about this and think that I asked you to do it.

So, you didn't want me to do anything.


You just wanted to talk it out.


Because I was...


Yes. Okay.

I get it now.

Oh, Honey, don't worry.

We're gonna fix this so you can put it all behind you and get... Clinique.

Close enough.

Narrator: Next up, the great white shark attacks a seal, thrashing its prey around like a rag doll.

Yo, the life of an actual rag doll must be mad horrific.

Hey, Mom, me and the boys have some exciting news to share.

We figured out how old you are.

When I did a report on you... that was assigned to me... at school... by a teacher...

I came across this old photo.

That baby is you.

You're on page 11. I dog-eared it.

Anyway, I went to the library and did some research on the tractor manufacturer.

That particular model was only in production for one year before it was discontinued.

That year was 1927.

So, Grandma, you are 69 years old.


This means that you can get a motorized wheelchair for free!

We'll put some big old tires on it, hit Cocoa Beach for spring break.

Oh, Mom.

[Muzak plays]

Back off, Gary. The fern is mine.

I brought it from home.

Sarah, you're not fired.


The customer who filed the complaint against you confessed she made it up.

I'll tell you what...

There are some real wack-jobs out there.

But we knew that when we signed up for this crazy little game called retail.

I don't get why anybody would do that.

Mm, ask her. She's right over there.

You already stole my husband.

Now you're trying to get me fired?

Actually, it was me.

It was you?

Yes, it was me.

I went to your manager, I used your tears trick, and I got you fired.

You were right about "Milo and Otis." Very effective.

She only did it because she thought she was helping me, but this isn't what I wanted.

I don't want bad things for you.

Oh, you expect me to believe that?

You blame me for your marriage with Marvin falling apart, and I get that.

Don't flatter yourself.

Marvin and I had issues before you.

You're the result of the problems in my marriage, not the cause of them.

Can I just ask one question?

What is the appeal of Marvin?

What am I missing here?

It's not about Marvin. Trust me.

He's narcissistic, insensitive, and he refuses to believe he's losing his hearing.

You know how loud that man makes the TV?

Oh, I guess we're all watching "Mad About You."

You know what?

He's actually none of those things...

Honey, I think she's venting.

Marvin's not the reason I'm so mean to you.

It's because of Nicole.

I want her to like me more than she likes you, which is why I let things like her science project slide.

As long as I'm always fun, Nicole will want to spend time with me.

Sarah, she'll want to spend time with you because you're her mom.

And I will never get in the way of that.

I appreciate you saying that.



It's what you've been looking for...


Oh, hi.

Can I help you folks with anything?

One new wheelchair for ougrandma.

And this pimp cane, please.

Uh, she qualifies for a free Jazzy Power Chair.

We don't have a birth certificate for her, but my son has proof that she's over 65.

If you look at this baby picture of her next to a tractor...

Oh, no. No need.

I can tell just by looking at her she's obviously old enough.

I'll just, uh, get a Polaroid of her face to send to the insurance company.

I'm sure they'll approve the application.

Say, "Cheese."

That's a lot of words for "cheese" [chuckles] but okay.

[Camera shutter clicks]

Oh. At least 65. [Chuckles]

So, even though one of the blades is broken, my $3 blender still blends.

I love pulse.


I'll pulse anything... Strawberry, ice cube, egg.

Hey, Marvin.

Hi, sweetie.

Hello, Jessica.

Those teeth I borrowed were from his private collection.

He has spent years gathering teeth from powerful historical figures to put together the perfect mouth.

He calls it "Mouth Brushmore."

[Chuckling] I get why you like him now.


Hi, Honey. Hi, Mrs. Huang.

Maybe you and I can hang out tonight, watch a movie or something?

You have to do your math homework.

Oh. I'm already done. Mom helped me finish it.

She said I had to before she dropped me off.

Oh. Uh, then, yeah, yeah, a movie sounds nice.

Oh, this is a nice moment.

After you're done with it, you might want to check that math homework.

Oh, yeah. [Whispers] Yeah.

[Engine shuts off]

[Dramatic music plays]

Narrator: The lone hammerhead shark waits for the perfect moment to strike its unsuspecting prey.