03x13 - Conscious Odd Coupling

That spa weekend was amazing.

Getting massages, eating those delicious sundaes from room service.

Oh, and that half a lobster those people left on the tray outside their door.

Oh.

It was like being in heaven with a goat.

Hey, Felix.

How was your weekend at French pastry school?

It was stupéfiant.

I knew it would be stupid.

What is that smell?

(both scream)

Birds!

Birds!

Oscar, Is that the trash I asked you to take out before we left?

Maybe, or maybe it's a different bag of trash that the pigeons dragged in!

You also left the balcony door open!

Or maybe the pigeons...

Stop blaming the pigeons!

All right.

Oscar, I asked you to do one thing.

How did you let this happen?

I'm off to French pastry school.

Oscar: It's going to be stupid.

Don't forget to take the trash to the garbage chute.

I got it, I got it.

Bonne weekend.

(with French accent): That's the plan.

Oh, my God.

That cloud looks just like a wiener.

Oh, I got to get a picture of this.

Oh, wait.

There was something I had to do before I left.

Oh, right.

Send Teddy a photo of that pen1s cloud.

(laughing): It really does.

I don't believe you.

Well, that's why I have proof. I took a picture.

Look. See? It has two giant...

I'm not interested in your cloud genitalia.

I am interested in you taking responsibility for your actions.

What's the big deal?

Pigeons are gone. Trash is gone.

Everything's clean. It's over.

Not helping my argument, big guy.

I asked him to do one thing.

Why do I always expect him to grow up?

You're an optimist.

You're dumb.

And it's not just me. Thanks to Oscar's unique blend of sounds and smells, our upstairs neighbor Mr. Novak, just moved out.

It's not like Mr. Novak was a sound and smell party himself.

Mm-mm.

I love Oscar, but living with him is impossible.

You know, I love Felix, but living with him is impossible.

I'm sorry, sweetie.

Yeah. It's always, "Feet off the couch, Oscar. Feet off the table, Oscar. Feet out of the refrigerator, Oscar."

They get really hot.

Well, you could move in here.

Did you just ask me to move in with you?

Tell me what you think, and I'll tell you if I asked you.

Well, we did just spend five days together, and it was pretty perfect.

We even shared a bathroom.

And that little foot washer.

That was a bidet.

But yes.

The trip was great. We're great.

Why wouldn't we move in together?

And Evan loves you. It'd be good for him to have a male influence in the house.

Yeah, but what would Felix do for a male influence?

He's a grown man. I think he'll be okay.

I don't know.

I'm kind of the glue that holds that guy together.

I'm gonna have to let him down gently.

What emoji would you use?

Is there one that means "I'm going to have a mature, face-to-face conversation with my friend"?

No, but there is a cat with heart eyes.

Look at that.

That-that cat is loving something.

Aha.

(groans)

You are a noble reminder of a disgusting man.

Hey, uh, Felix.

(door closes)

I kind of need to talk to you.

Why don't you have a seat?

The last time you asked me that, I was the victim of a whoopee cushioning.

It's, uh, Charlotte.

She's all over me to move in with her.

She is?! Uh, I mean, she is?

Yeah.

I mean, of course I said, "No way, Jose. I'm not leaving my buddy Felix."

Oh.

I would be devastated.

I mean, I-I don't want to stand in the way of your budding relationship with Charlotte.

So you'd be okay with it?

Uh, other than the aforementioned devastation, Yes, I mean...

You're a great couple.

It's wonderful what her yin does for your yang.

Hmm.

It's pronounced "Wang," buddy.

I mean, I'd still be in here for work, so we'd get to see each other all the time.

In a way, it would be like you never moved out.

But you will, to be clear.

Yeah. We'll get to hang out without the tension of being having to live together.

Not that there was any tension.

(laughing): No...

No. We may even become better friends.

I mean A... we couldn't be better friends.

And B... maybe we could.

You moving out could be the best thing for us, our friendship, our future.

Put 'er there!

I think actually this might call for a hug.

I think you might be right.

Ah.

This is gonna be tough.

So tough.

Well, Terrance, I'm meeting with a few other applicants, but you made a great first impression.

May I offer you an hors d'oeuvre?

Oh, thank you.

Oh, whoops.

Five second rule, right?

Yeah, it's still good, right?

Wrong!

There is no five second rule. Good day, sir.

Another dud, huh?

Yes. In a city of millions, I don't know why I can't find one decent applicant.

Well, maybe it's the personality test followed by the interview, followed by the apartment tour, which is really just a series of undercover challenges.

Well, I'm just trying to weed out the "Oscars."

No offense.

Oh, none taken.

I know it's just a figure of speech.

Hey, Oscar, I'm getting hungry for my "helping you move" lunch.

Oh, okay. Felix, you want to come?

Sorry, I can't; I'm waiting for my next applicant.

His name is Neil.

It says here he is an efficiency expert.

(one knock on door)

That must be him.

Felix Unger?

Neil Armstrong.

I'm sorry.

Your name is Neil Armstrong?

Let me give you my standard reply: No, not that Neil Armstrong.

I've never been on the moon, but I'm always on the ball.

So you were...

No, I was not named after him.

So it's...

Neil: Yes.

Pure coincidence.

Wow. He really is on the ball.

I already said that.

(muttering)

Well, you're a lot of fun.

That's the old roommate?

What a mess.

I like you already, Neil Armstrong.

Hmm.

Great ergonomics. Exceptional flow.

I assume you start dusting from that corner and work your way clockwise.

Actually, I start high and I work low.

Hmm. The Pendrake Method.

I didn't know anybody used that anymore.

I suppose you are saving more arm strokes.

That's the idea.

Oh.

But with the sunlight at your back you can see twice the dust, saving...

More strokes.

...more strokes.

May I offer you a snack?

Oh.

Oh, whoops.

Five second rule.

We both know there is no such thing.

When can you move in?

Sorry, guys. I forgot my wallet.

Ah, floor snacks.

You guys really missed out.

Hey, you're home.

I've never been so happy to see you.

Aw.

Yeah.

I thought I was going to starve to death.

Oh. I texted you there's chicken in the fridge.

Yeah, but that was raw.

I assumed you'd cook it.

Felix never let me do that.

Actually, I was banned from all fire-based appliances.

Also knives, graters, juicers, choppers.

I'll send you the "no-no" list.

You're kidding.

No. I haven't cooked in three years.

Am I pronouncing that right?

"Cooked"?

Well, not only will I let you cook, I'll encourage it. I think it's important for our relationship that we share the housework.

Absolutely.

We're a team.

For example, have you noticed our laundry basket is getting full?

I have noticed that.

And tomorrow I'm gonna go buy a bigger laundry basket.

Or you could just do the laundry.

Yeah. Okay.

I'll go get the clothes and go down to the laundry room.

Follow-up question.

It's in the basement.

All right.

Good morning.

I hope I didn't wake you before you intended to awaken.

Oh.

No. I'm always up at this hour.

Internal clock, no alarm needed, whatever.

Is this room cleaner than it was yesterday?

Oh, quite a bit so.

I do my best tidying up just after sunrise.

And did you vacuum? Because these are not my usual north-south lines.

Oh, I didn't vacuum, Vicki did.

Vicki, come.

(motor buzzes)

Is that the VacoVic 52-G?

I thought that didn't come out until next year.

She doesn't, at least not to the general public.

I actually consulted on the design team, so...

State of the art filtration, whisper quiet, fully integrated AI.

It's, um...

It's beautiful.

Vicki: Thank you.

Aw.

Well, I actually like to vacuum, so I can still do it.

(laughing): Oh, don't make Vicki laugh.

She can, you know.

Well, since you did all of the cleaning, the least I could do is make us breakfast, hmm?

Oh, actually, there's no need.


(motor buzzing)

I already made eggs Benedict and cucumber scones.

Where are the-the pots and the pans and the...?

Oh, I clean as I cook.

Oh.

Now, please sit.

Well, at least let me help you...

No, I'll get it. Sit.

Well, we still need the, uh...

Truffle salt?

Yeah.

I'll get it. Sit.

Oh.

Okay.

Since you have done... everything, I guess I will just, uh... sit.

(whirring)

What are you looking at?

Obstacle.

Oh, my God.

Did somebody break in and cater?

Oh, that?

That's just dinner.

That I made... with a stove!

I figured since Evan is at his dad's, maybe we could have a romantic night.

Well, we're off to a great start.

I'm loving those napkins.

I didn't think you knew about napkins.

Well, that was a happy accident.

I found them when I was looking for the fire extinguisher.

Fire extinguisher?

Yeah.

That was an unhappy accident.

Oh, no, no, don't go in the kitchen!

Oscar, what happened to my kitchen?

Uh-uh. Our kitchen.

(chuckles)

Our kitchen is a wreck.

How did you get marinara sauce on the ceiling?

Oh, yeah, that. Well, the first meal had an Italian theme.

Big-a mistake-a.

So then I did a fish fry which turned into a fish fire.

Why is the popcorn maker out?

I had to watch a movie while the smoke cleared.

Oh, my God, Oscar.

Okay, I know you mean well, but in the last week, you have destroyed my kitchen, you shrunk my clothes, and you stained my rug.

I think you are minimizing the napkin triumph.

I'll go clean the kitchen.

No, no, no, no, I'll do it. You'll just make it worse.

What? No. I can do it.

No, I can handle it, Evan.

Well, that was... shriveling.

(sighs)

I'm sorry. Just cleaning up your messes makes me feel like your mom.

Ugh. That's not good.

What is happening to us?

I know. We had so my fun while we were on vacation.

Yeah.

'Cause all we had to do was have fun.

We had maids and waiters to take care of us.

Did we ruin something that was working by moving in together too soon?

Maybe.

I mean, when we weren't living together, we were just enjoying the fun parts of a relationship.

Maybe we should... go back to that.

What are you saying?

I'm saying we stay together, but I move out?

I like the sound of that.

Say it again.

I'm moving out.

Oh.

Keep going.

I'm not going to live here anymore.

That's it.

Felix, here I come.

No. No.

Yeah, I knew the minute I said that.

Ooh, the next course.

Teddy, I know you're a bratwurst fan.

Somebody's been on my Pinterest page.

And, Dani, you've been complaining about dry skin, so... Yeah.

I whipped you up a lotion of rose hips and Shea butter.

Your hands will thank me.

Oh.

Thank you, Felix.

My pleasure.

Felix, is all this pampering because you don't have Oscar to take care of anymore?

(laughing): I don't even know what you're talking about.

Oh.

Teddy, don't move!

You're more lint than man right now.

What?

(laughing)

That tickles.

(laughing)

I didn't say stop.

(laughing): Oh, right there, right there.

There.

Hey, guys.

Oh. I see you're lint-rolling Teddy now.

Oscar, your show starts in two minutes. Come on, Teddy.

Mm-hmm.

So the new roommate is working out great, then?

Oh, he is, um, really something.

How's everything up in your love nest?

Oh, so much love.

Mm.

Great. I'm happy for you.

Not as happy as I am for you.

(laughs)

Looks like this, uh, move worked out for both of us.

Absolutely. (laughing)

Oscar, there's a... there's a little hint of, uh, lint on your shirt there.

Oh.

I don't know how this thing works.

Stop. Stop. It's more of a...

It's more of a sweeping motion.

It's a lint roller, not a lint dagger.

Can you... help me?

Do you want me to help you?

I do want you to help me.

Oh, thank God. I miss doing things for you!

And I miss doing nothing!

I want you to move back in!

I want to move back in, too!

Oh!

(whirring)

(whispering): Damn it! Neil's home.

Vicki. Felix.

Neil.

Armstrong.

Neil, I have a request, and I'm going to make it as efficient as possible.

Leave.

What?

Pack your things. Oscar's moving back in.

Oh. The lease I signed legally entitles me to stay here for one year.

And why would I leave when this apartment is equidistant from my work, my parents and the woman destined to become my lover?

I'm not going anywhere.

Vicki, come!

What are we gonna do?

We need to convince Neil Armstrong to take one small step out of our apartment and...

Just keep walking.

Wow. You... you really don't know your history.

No, no.

Oh, sorry, Neil.

Elevator's out.

Just so inefficient.

Hmm.

Well, not for me.

Taking the stairs will count as my workout.

I just saved an hour a day.

(playing Chopin's "Nocturne in E-Flat Major")

(music stops)

Oh. Sorry, Neil.

I should have warned you.

My Kronos Quartet cover band meets here thrice weekly for midnight rehearsals.

Aha.

A little "Nocturne" in the nocturne.

(quietly): He knew the name of the piece and revealed it in a clever way. This is not good!

Shall we take it from the top?

(playing Chopin's "Nocturne in E-Flat Major")

Damn it, we sound sublime!

Namaste, Neil!

Oh.

So steamy. Hot yoga!

(sighs)

My butt crack's like Splash Mountain.

And I'm going to move away from Teddy.

I'm actually certified in Jivamukti Yoga, and you're doing everything wrong.

(groans)

Let me go jump into my Lululemons.

Aah. It's hopeless.

Nothing's worked.

Yeah.

We should turn the heat off before Mr. Novak complains.

Oh, he moved out two weeks ago.

Which means that apartment's empty.

You mean we could kill Neil and put his body parts up there?

Or we get Neil to take that apartment.

Oh, yeah, let's try that.

Yes, that's better, that's better.

Felix: Neil, this place would be perfect for you!

It's the same layout with an even better view!

I don't know.

Seven extra seconds on the elevator times two round trips a day over a year equals just over 2.83 hours wasted.

Hmm.

Well, I've made my decision.

Any chance it's a yes?

Your simplicity is childlike.

Well, it looks like I'm stuck with him.

I don't even want to go back down to the apartment.

Yeah, I understand. I can't go back to Charlotte's place.

She's having the whole kitchen repainted.

Oh, God, did you cook?

Want to just hang out here for a while?

Sure.

Hmm.

Wish I had all my TVs up here.

Mm.

These buckets aren't exactly posterior friendly.

I wish we had our couch.

Coffee table could go right here.

I could throw my socks right over there.

We'd be roommates!

Again!

(laughter)

So much hugging.

Yeah, that's enough hugging for a whole year.

And that completes the tour. What do you think?

It's the same damn apartment!

No, it is not.

The stain on the old floors was maple cherry.

And these floors are...?

Oak toffee! Open your eyes, people!

I'm just glad you guys are roommates again.

Now we have someplace to hang out.

I've tried their place.

Too many smelly candles.

You ladies have a problem.

Well, you're always welcome up here.

Consider this your home away from home.

(honking)

Felix, what the hell?

Ah, sorry. It's the higher altitude.

It's 18 feet higher.

Well, tell that to my sinuses.

It's 18 feet higher!

Okay, even with my impaired nose, I can tell that you have not unpacked your toothbrush.

And I can tell that you have not unpacked the stick up your butt!

They're back, ladies and gentlemen!