01x19 - Beginner Pottery

[bunniefuu]

I had to get up so early for my bus, I caught the tail end of what cinemax gets up to at night.

Subscription canceled.

I got that channel for eddie murphy movies, Not stimulation.

Wait, why are you taking the bus?

What happened to your minivan?

My ex-husband needed it.

The person he's dating works at a club.

An hour from the city.

Ah, well, ill play a violin for them, And maybe she can strip to it.

Kind people are always kind, Britta, Not just when it's easy.

As we stand once again upon the deadline To drop or add classes, I hereby present this semester's Jeff winger pick For ultimate blow-off class: Beginner pottery.

I don't know- your last "blow-off" class Ended up teaching me to live in the moment, Which I will always regret and never do again.

This one's different. I researched.

You don't even have to make a good pot.

You get an art credit for participation.

This class is like a redhead that drinks scotch And loves die hard.

I suggest you all get her number.

Ahoy!

Guess which class I signed up for.

Singing with tennille? [everyone chuckles]

Ha ha ha hee ha ha ho ho hey.

Sailing.

But the nearest body of water is 2 1/2 hours away.

Leagues, Abed.

We don't measure water by hours.

It's a one-week intensive That gives you hands-on experience On a real boat Right here in the parking lot.

I'd rather learn boats than pots.

I was going to take a class on how to put together An online dating profile, But I think sailing in the parking lot Is less pathetic.

A black person on a sailboat?

I gotta see this. I'm in.

How 'bout you, Abed? Wanna sail with us?

There's black people.

Mm-hmm, there's two.

All right.

Hello, ladies. What are you guys making, Big balls here?

Oh, yeah. You guys getting dirty?

What are you looking at?

Heh, all right.

Hey, laura ingalls.

Home depot guy.

Who's making pots?

Huh?

Let's participate this thing.

Let's do this.

Ladies, I don't know why you're laughing.

I really do want to make my mom an ashtray.

[laughter]

Hello, my precious blueberries.

Hello.

[giggles]

All right, let's spin those wheels and play.

With some clay. [giggles]

Now there's one, and only one, rule in this class.

I will tolerate no reenacting, Whether it's ironic or sincere, Of the patrick swayze, demi moore Pottery scene in ghost.

Ever since that movie was released in 1990, I have seen every conceivable variation Of what I call "ghosting."

This could be guy-on-girl, girl-on-guy...

The hilarious guy-on-guy. [giggles]

[all laugh]

[makes expl*sive sound]

So, since it never stopped, I had to adopt a zero ghost tolerance policy.

If you so much as hum three notes From that righteous brothers song, with god is my witness, I will come at you.

With everything ive got.

[high-pitched] okay?

Let's have a great time!

[slams clay down]

[classical music]

I'm making falafel.

[slurping] mmm.

Not edible.

What are you making?

A vase.

Hey, guys.

Yep?

Look what I made.

Participant badge.

[whimpers] oh, god.

[overlapping chatter]

Look at this.

I don't know how.

I mean, I just--

I stuck my hands into the clay And it happened.

You look at me.

[whispers] you have a gift.

Jeff's competitive side had come out before.

He had even displayed envy.

But on that first day of pottery class, he discovered--

Abed.

Yeah.

What did we discuss?

No voiceover. Sorry.

It is kind of a crutch.

[metallic pounding]

I've never been on a boat before.

I didn't know what to wear.

Yeah, it's intimidating.

We're in pierce's world now.

He's got all the boat clothes.

Look at him christen.

That were me, I would have broken the bottle.

I'm professor slaughter.

Welcome aboard the s. S. Nose candy,

Recently purchased through government auction.

Oh, that's nice.

It's not nice- it's your only w*apon Against the raging sea.

You don't know how to use her, you're dead.

Together, you will work as one crew.

You will succeed or fail as one crew.

You will consider this parking lot the ocean.

Whatever you drop, you lose.

Mishandle the sails- you capsize and die.

Oh.

Now, does little miss nice have a name?

Sh-Shirley bennett.

Well, now you're captain Shirley bennett.

Oh!

Aw, man!

You will follow her every order.

Oh.

I've never been a captain before.

I have.

I commanded a jet ski through an electrical storm And only had one casualty.

Jet skis only hold two people.

Exactly. Saved half the crew.

Pottery's much cooler than I thought.

And harder!

Well, except for that guy rich.

He's, like, a natural.

Yeah, I'm worried about the effect That it's having on Jeff, though.

Mm.

Heh, yeah.

Someone call a shrink. What?

Well, you're usually the cool one.

Abed... You understand the point Of a blow-off class is to blow it off, Not to be cool, making really important mud pies.

You're not willing to admit he's talented?

No, because he's not.

I mean, if I were ever to make an effort in that class, You'd think I was the cat's pajamas too.

Cat's pajamas? Okay, pierce.

Wow, somebody's mommy Gave him too much praise.

Man, so did someone's psyche teacher.

[gasps]

Señor chang.

Yes, I was robbed at the ymca.

Again.

[peaceful classical music]

♪ ♪

All right.

Let's do this.

Jeff, do you know what you are?

You're special.

You're very special, Jeff.

You're the most special little boy in the world.

[ominous classical music]

♪ ♪

[blowing whistle]

Take her back to harbor!

Flank the sheets and, uh, trim the head sail.

Aye-aye.

Aye-aye.

Eyes on me for a moment.

I don't see students here.

I see seamen.

And I didn't create them.

From the moment you climbed aboard, I saw seamen inside you.

More importantly, you've stopped giggling At the word "seamen."

And that's the mark of a real seaman.

All right, as you were.

Okay, then.

Crew, make fast the topping lift.

I'll get the rope.

Oh!

Oof!

Oh, my god!

Damn, he's ghost riding the jib.

I-- pierce, hang on!

Agh! Ack.

That hat's gone. Lost at sea.

I might be able to reach it!

It landed on that hyundai.

I mean, mermaid's car.

Get back on this boat!

Ohh!

No, no, no.

Well, I spoke too soon.

Everybody gets a "d."

[all groan]

If id have chosen to hit you with a storm just then, You all would have failed.

You better get your crew in line, captain.

[grunting]

Ahem. Permission to speak! Mm-hmm.

You really screwed the pooch on that one, captain.

[grunting] and I can't swim.

So you see, ladies, It's actually a working fountain.

With a bird.

[whistling like a bird]

[all laugh]

Hey, Jeff, ready to make some art In the shape of a vase?

No, I can't.

Ooh, ouch. Let me take a look.

Uh, come on, rich.

Being good at beginner pottery Doesn't mean you can heal people.

That's true.

But my medical degree does. I'm a doctor.

A doctor?

I just take pottery to unwind.

Haven't lost a patient in five years.

Puts a lot of pressure on a person.

So the good news is this is neither sprained nor broken.

Oh, thank god.

But ill have to get a second opinion From a guy in my basket weaving class.

[laughs]

That's great. That's funny.

Good to see you getting along with rich.

What's he like?

[whispering] he's a ringer.

A what?

You know, a conman. A grifter.

A ringer.

He's an expert potter who signs up for novice classes To impress people.

But if he wants to impress people, Why join a pottery class?

Why not just say, "hi, I'm a doctor."

Because he's crazy.

And fancy jobs don't impress people.

I mean, you weren't impressed I'm a lawyer.

Well, anyone could be a lawyer.

You can even represent yourself.

You can't do surgery on yourself.

It's illegal. You'd get arrested.

And then you'd get a free lawyer.

Rich just showed me how to make a flared lip on my pot And check for breast lumps.

[squeals]

I don't know how And I don't know when, But one day, that guy is gonna slip up.

And when that happens, I am gonna be there to expose him.

Jeff, check it out.

If your finger's still bugging you, Just get creative.

I wanna kiss you on the mouth.

I'm sorry?

[car alarm beeps] - hey, rich. Hey!

Don't run so fast.

You're among friends.

How you doing, Jeff? What's up?

Oh, not much. Nada mucho.

Noddily...Merchant.

I just wanted to thank you, doc pottery-wood, For taking a look at my finger.

Anytime.

Doc pottery-wood. I like it.

Yeah. Have you taken many pottery classes?

No, this is my first.

Of the year?

Ever.

No pottery at doctor's school?

Medical school?

Pottery school.

Pottery school?

Oh, pottery school; how long?

You know, Jeff, it's kind of weird.

I feel like I'm being interrogated, But by someone who doesn't really want to know Anything important.

[both laughing]

Oh, hey...New mexico.

Long way from home.

Yeah, well, I did my residency in santa fe.

Santa fe?

Yeah. Can I give you a lift somewhere?

Oh...No, thanks.

I'm gettin' there.

Well, of course, yes, he'd be in college.

[indistinct voices approaching]

[mumbling indistinctly] - four? No!

Did you sleep here?

Only for a few hours.

Guess where rich is from.

Couldn't have been crazy town.

You'd have gone to high school together.

Santa fe, new mexico.

Nobody gets out of santa fe Without learning how to make a pot.

45% hispanic, Fifth highest native american population.

They eat and breathe clay there.

I think some of this research May have been done on wikipedia.

You're mocking me?

You? No, no.

Fine, fine, fine. Go ahead--mock me.

Oh, Jeff... You're goldbluming.

I'm goldbluming?

Heh, I, uh...

I-I-I don't know what that means.

Look, I have work to do, before class, Because I want to catch rich when he slips up.

Who even cares if he's pretending to be a beginner?

Pottery cares.

Integrity cares.

Look, I don't care.

I just care that he cares.

It's lame that he cares.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. My shoelace came untied.

It could happen to anybody.

That's your excuse?

Britta weighs five pounds, Troy can't swim, And ive never even seen the ocean.

Uh, I can swim, r*cist.

You listen to me, pierce.

On my boat, the crew comes first.

No single person is above it.

You either shape up or ship the hell out.

[scoffs]

Now I know what the "c" in "captain" stands for.

[gasps] crabapple.

Shirley, I thought you said That kind people were always kind.

Yes, and strong people change.

If the sea was always still and calm, Nobody would respect her.

I'm like the sea.

Hey!

Hmm?

Cuckoo birds, do you mind?

This is important.

College is where most mental health problems are activated.

I hope I get multiple personalities.

I get lonely in long showers.

Barometer's dropping. Temperature's warm.

We're heading into a high pressure flow.

That's a perfect storm.

Reef the mainsail and furl the jib!

Is that nautical talk or urban speak?

We have to turn back.

Accidental jibe!

Hit the deck!

Oof! [shouts]

Ohh!

Man overboard!

Oh, my god, pierce is dead!

No, wait. His stomach is moving.

Oh, my god. Pierce!

Gah!

Ohh! That's it.

Pull me in!

The storm is overtaking you, captain.

We don't have time.

I'm trying as hard as I can.

I have skinny arms for a quarterback.

I said we don't have time.

What? No.

Wha--wait.

Pull me in. What do you mean "time"?

I--that's it.

Wha--

No! Nooo!

Bring the boom amidship.

Nooo!

Nooo! [bell ringing]

What in god's name have we done?

[whimpering]

[horn tooting] - hey, hey, hey, hey!

Get out of my parking spot, dip-wad!

Security!

I mean, take an intermediate class If you're intermediate.

Don't come in here making your fear of failure Our problem.

I mean, it's crazy.

It's crazy.

I mean, he's a crazy person.

[whispering] I'm scared.

It's okay. This is good for him.

He's confronting his own limitations.

Busted!

Fatal mistake, richy boy.

You...Are...Busted.

I am?

You just used The throwing off the hump method.

That's an advanced pottery technique, Which I know, because last night, I read the entire encyclopedia of pottery.

What are you talking about?

You are no beginner...

Santa fe.

Hey, what is going on, my blueberries?

Show him what you did.

No.

I rest my case.

What case?

Throw the freakin' hump, imposter!

Hey!

No! What are you-- heeey!

It's the hilarious guy-on-guy.

One rule I asked you to follow. One.

Look! - [gasps]

I had it made before he d*ed.

It's not in bad taste.

Out, winger!

Fine.

That's fine. No, that's fine.

[gasps]

Congratulations.

You failed a class so easy That people pass it in the hallway Get a contact credit!

♪ oh ♪
♪ my love ♪
♪ my darlin' ♪

You son of a--

♪ ive hungered for your touch ♪

No! Nooo!

This is abuse!

This is abuse! Stop it! That is a satanic sound!

Pierce, do you still have the number Of that private investigator you used When you thought ross perot was sleeping with your mom?

Is this about that guy in your pottery class?

Yeah.

Face the facts, jeffrey.

This kid's got some natural talent you just don't have.

How would you know?

It's all over the school.

Great.

Why aren't you in sailing class?

Uh, they drowned me.

Why?

For a better grade.

Look, weren't we discussing your flaws, Jeff?

I mean, why are you letting this guy get to you so much?

What's really going on?

I made a bad pot.

For some reason, I always thought that I was special And different.

And I guess I just have a really hard time When I want to be good at something, And I suck.

Uh-huh.

Ohh. Here, give me a hand.

Ohh. What are you doing?

I'm going back to my sailing class.

After they m*rder*d you?

Jeffrey, when I was born, I got my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck, Both arms, and one of my ankles.

Mom said that there came a point When the doctors stopped delivering me And just started laughing.

[chuckles]

I mean, if I ever let being bad at something stop me, I wouldn't even be here.

That thing some men call failure, I call living.

Breakfast.

And I'm not leaving till I've cleaned out the buffet.

Now, how 'bout a shove?

[grunts]

Good luck, pierce.

Don't need it. Never had it.

Britta, trim the boom flat.

Troy, sit windward to heal the boat.

My, the sea has a worthy opponent.

Oh, my god.

It's pierce.

Man, that guy's life is one, big joke.

[grunting]

I mean, I feel bad for him, But things have been running smoother Since he drowned.

I bet he gets that all the time.

[grunting] son of a... Uhh.

[snap]

Oh! Oh! Hey!

Oh, my god.

Hey! I'm going down!

Pierce is going to be the only person ever To drown in a parking lot.

Twice.

[laughter]

Help!

Damn the storm!

We're going after pierce.

Jump the halyard.

Star-burns, you get down there And you man the iron jenny.

There's a man overboard!

That's an order!

I'm gonna sink!

I am about to get the only "a"

I will ever get, And pierce isn't even dying.

Bailing!

You don't have to do this.

I know.

But id rather be kind And get stepped on every once in a while Than be a hard-ass and turn my back on a friend.

Hoist the mains. - S.O.S.!

Beep beep! Help!

[whimpering] I don't wanna go this way.

[adventurous music]

We're coming, pierce!

Help!

How's it looking?

We gotta go faster!

Okay, come on, star-burns!

It's filling with water!

It's going down!

Pierce, we're coming!

Dear god.

Dear god.

Oh, yeah. Oh, Britta.

Troy. Ohh.

[whimpering]

Here you go.

We got you. Here you go.

Okay.

[giggling]

You okay? - You all right?

You just steered your boat into a storm.

Any last words?

The sea may be cold and unforgiving, But I'm not.

The ship might go down, but, uh...

At least she'll go down with honor.

I'll take your captain's hat.

'cause I'm promoting you to admiral.

You all get an "a." - ohh!

Admiral Shirley. I like that.

Well, it means nothing, really.

The class is over.

But you deserve it.

Hey, somebody has to to this.

I'm king of the wo--

[whistle blowing]

Don't ruin a perfect week.

I'm--I'm not gonna spoon you again.

I appreciate that.

Yeah, I can't...

Fully explain my behavior.

I mean, id love to blame booze Or demon possession, but-- - you know what?

Don't even worry about it.

I'm bad at holding grudges.

Well, I'm bad at pottery.

I'm an amateur pottery enthusiast Trying as hard as I can At something I suck at.

It's great.

And the teacher said I can stay, If I don't have any more ghostbursts.

Fantastic.

Well, good luck.

Don't need it.

Jeff, you're a normal person.

There's nothing very special about you at all.

You're going to be great at a few things, But really crappy at many more.

And that takes a lot of the pressure off, So you can live a full, happy life.

Oh, and sorry it took me so long to tell you that.

And it was only in your imagination.

My bad.

Kind of a sloppy mom.

That's okay, mom.

Nobody's perfect.

I'm still scared.

A clay ashtray.

You're an idiot.

Why do you have time to make pottery?

Couldn't you use a little more practice being a doctor?

Not that it'll ever bring your brother back to life.

It was supposed to be you on that roller coaster, richard.

It was supposed to be you!

Whoo!

Ooh, ah.

Ohh.

Oh, come on!

Again?

Good grief.