01x06 - Series 1, Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

Well, it's not going to win fastest search dog at Crufts, is it, Millsy?

It? The dog's got a name, boss. Monty.

Come on, Monty. Find the device, yeah?

Yeah, Monty, and get turned into fine doggie mist!

Er, no! No, boss.

Ow!

Rather him than me, though, right?

S'pose.

Lucky we've got all day. I don't think he's well, boss.

Oh, then, should we take the lickle bow-wow to the special doggy doctor?

Hey! Good boy!

Hey, Monty! Monty!

Good boy, Monty! Good boy?!

He didn't find anything!

He's not well, is he? Is he, is he?

Right. I suppose it's all down to me, then.

He doesn't look happy. Do you?

Er...highly skilled being with opposable thumbs here.

Ooooh!

Would I command more of your attention if I licked my own bollocks?

Yeah, obviously. Er, yeah.

So until the doggy-woggy is bettery-wettery, the operation's on hold.

Can't they spare another dog? Apparently not.

I imagine they're all busy being rogered by their handlers.

So we can strap in for several days of sitting on our arses, and you, Mac, can masturbate to your heart's content.

Gleaming.

I imagine it will be.

Don't forget to rinse Gloria out afterwards, yeah?

Ignore them, Gloria. They don't understand what we have together.

Hi, guys. Ah!

Good afternoon.

(All murmur greetings)

So, I was thinking, I'd like to do something really special for everyone. Excellent. I want to get everyone together, have a bit of fun, bit of light relief.

Ooh, sounds like an orgy, Padre. No!

I was thinking...a Mexican night.

Nice one, Padre!

A Mexican night? Rejoicing in the culture and history of that proud nation. Exactly.

The cookhouse got sent a job lot of out-of-date Doritos, did they?

That may also be the truth, yes.

Let's celebrate this administrative error by wearing false moustaches and talking in slightly r*cist accents.

In mexican accents: Hola, amigo! You looking at my donkey?

Arriba, arriba!

That the kind of thing you had in mind? I just thought it might be fun.

And I hear you guys aren't too busy, so if anyone would like to help...

Yeah, because when we're not risking our lives bravely defusing bombs, we generally enjoying painting pretty pictures of cacti.

Gay! It is my job to organise this kind of thing, Nick. Didn't the last padre do theme nights?

Yes and no.

French night involved baguette fencing and a garlic-eating contest.

Spanish night involved Mac dressing up as a bull and us trying to poke him with bayonets, and Pakistani night involved the resignation of two of our translators.

I think it's safe to say the bar for theme nights has been set pretty low.

Reading between the lines, I think Nick's saying, "Don't bother."

Oh, you got that too? Right.

Thanks for the support, guys.

I think a Mexican night is a good idea. No, not doing it.

(They all chat)

Ooh, hello!

Stranger!

I'm Captain Parikh, Veterinary Corps?

Here to see Monty, who's unwell, obviously.

Otherwise why would I be here?

Well, it is a lovely part of the world especially if you like sweating and/or being blown to pieces.

Tell me about it. So...

Monty is...looking a bit forlorn and is very sleepy.

So that's scientific.

(She giggles)

Sorry, Corporal B...

Lynda. Bird.

Belinda Bird? Bird.

Lynda. Corporal.

Signals. Bleep.

Bird, are you speaking in Morse?

Sir, would you like some scran?

I-I was about to ask you the same thing.

I should probably cr*ck on with treating the dog.

Get to the bottom of it, possibly literally.

(Laughs loudly)

Roger that!

Not roger it, as in f*ck it.

But as in, you know, um... Let me point you in the right direction.

In fact, I could show you.

I could be your escort. Not escort as in prost*tute, obviously, I'm not offering to have sex with you.

You'd have to buy me dinner first.

Not that that would mean, um, we-we were in, er...

Jesus!

I know.

Worst flirt ever.

Right, Millsy, what am I doing next?

Your paperwork, boss. Ah, yes.

Oh, Millsy?

Could you do my paperwork?

Sure thing, boss.

Hey! What's this doing here?

One of them sappers must have left it.

Probably that poor fucker that lost his arms. Ha!

"Property of Lance Corporal Jack Ferris."

f*ck.

I didn't know!

You know, I've always wanted to learn how to play the guitar.

As long as you make sure you focus on that and not all that paperwork I may have recently mentioned. What?

Oh. Yeah.

And you're sure it's OK for me to use the chapel?

Yeah, of course. It's just, Charlotte sent me this DVD so I could learn the waltz for the wedding.

I thought it best to keep it quiet.

You know how Mac and Rocket would react.

In scottish accent: Aye. Gay!

Sorry, terrible accent.

Yes, it was.

Yeah. Learning to waltz, though. It's a good idea.

If you get it right, Charlotte will find it proper sexy.

I don't need it to be sexy, I need it to be right.

Oh, yeah, of course, yeah.

But it's very hard to say no to a man who can dance.

You think she might say no? I thought the dance was AFTER the vows.

sh*t! No, it's just an expression.

Oh, right.

Good.

Yeah.

I'm a sucker for dancing.

I did salsa with my ex for a while.

Oh, was that before he dumped you because of your gambling addiction?

Yes, it was.

Yeah.

I love dancing.

The feeling of being swept away.

Away from all your...

Oh! Ooh, you don't mind, do you?

I mean, er, in the chapel.

Oh, er...no. No.

I'm not sure if the Bible has a view on inflatable sex toys, exactly.

Anyway, I should go, cos I've got lots to do.

I should cr*ck on.

(Gentle waltz music plays)

(Louder waltz music)

Well, now!

It's for my wedding, OK?

Charlotte's more open-minded than I thought.

I'm trying to learn the waltz for my first dance.

Yet another reason not to get married, eh? Dancing's bad enough...

Mary said it'd be sexy.

Mary was wrong. She said she could never say no to a man who could dance.

She said what now? She said she could never say no to a man who could dance.

Simon, you and I are going to learn how to dance.

What? This Mexican night will have dancing.

Oh, it is going to have a lot of dancing.

This is going to be the theme night to end all theme nights.

But not in the same way that Pakistani night nearly was.

Great, well, I'll tell Mary. No! Noooo.

Let's keep it as a nice surprise.

What's the filthiest dance on here?

Mm, probably the tango.

It's basically vertical dry-humping.

Right, we're learning that. That's Argentinian, not Mexican.

So? Salsa's Mexican.

Salsa's for wankers. We're doing the tango.

Besides, it's time we learned to embrace our Argentinian friends.

Unless they try it on again, in which case, we'll brass the f*ckers up.

Hang on! I need to learn the waltz.

Simon, tango with me, I promise you waltzing to your heart's content.

Fine. Right.

Both: You're being the women. No!

Simon, this is for Mary. You're being the woman.

As long as you're the woman for me later.

Simon, I thought you'd never ask.

♪ She don't want to go outside tonight ♪
♪ Cos in a pipe she'll fly to the motherland ♪
♪ Find love with another man ♪
♪ It's too cold outside ♪
♪ For angels to fly. ♪

Rocket: That was nice!

Yes, thank you very much, Chris f*cking Martin.

It's Ed Sheeran, actually, boss.

You learnt that in a couple of hours?

Well, yeah, I had a head start, I used to play the viola.

So, have we got any transport coming or do I get to sit around for four to six more hours?

Oi, oi, Bird! Coming.

Anyway, the local farmer's got a sick goat, so I'd better go.

Hearts and minds, you know?

Oh!

(She giggles)

Hearts and minds, yeah. Good one.

Hearts and minds, even the hearts and minds of the goats.

Yeah, I think I said hearts and minds too much.

I'm all about the hearts and minds.

And the other organs, of course.

Oh! Because, yeah, yeah, you are a vet.

Brilliant. Brilliant.

Bird! Come on!

Oh, well... B...

Er, b-bye, then, um... Hearts and minds!

OK.

So where we off to, Bird? Oh, sorry, I should have said, it's a false alarm. Oh, bloody hell!

We've been sitting here like arseholes!

We really do have f*ck-all to do. Thanks for the immediate heads-up.

Sorry, boss, I was just getting the full story off Tom.

The vet. I mean, Captain Parikh.

(All hoot with derision)

f*ck every last one of you.

Do you want to know the real reason why it was a false alarm?

No, we'd rather just take the piss out of you for a few more minutes.

"Oh, Tom! Oh, Tom!" "Hold me tonight!"

Guys?

I'd really like a hand making some bunting for Mexican night.

Nah! What did your last sl*ve die of?

We've all got important things to do. Full kit check at 1500.

What did YOUR last sl*ve die of? Oi, you heard!

Kit check! Come on! Not you, Simon, we've got to go through our...movement controls.

What's that? Nothing.

I just want to do something useful around the base.

Oh, cos you noticed that none of those prayers of yours ever get answered? Well, one of them certainly hasn't been.

Woman on DVD: 'So you want to learn the dance of love?'

Come on, we've got to get this right.

It's not for me, this is for Mary.

We're going to make this Mexican night unforgettable.

Believe me, I'm not going to forget this in a hurry.

(Tango music)

Ah! The dance party that dare not speak its name.

Well, don't mind me.

Have you heard Millsy on that guitar? Boy's a genius.

He's wasting his life titting about with IEDs.

He could be the next James Blunt.

I dabbled, of course.

Singing.

Guitar.

Hanging around the place in ripped jeans, whining about girls.

No sort of life, is it?

No, sir. No, sir.

♪ You're beautiful ♪
♪ It's true ♪
♪ I see your face ♪
♪ In a crowded place... ♪

(Tango music)

Boss... I filled in the forms from last month which had a deadline of last week, so shall I get started on...? Boss, are you learning to tango?

No! Why would you think that?

Well, I do watch Strictly. That is, my mum watches Strictly.

Actually, we all watch it if it's on...

All right, Millsy. I'm going to surprise Mary with a tango at the Mexican night. Oh, right, but you know the tango's from Argentina?

Yes, I know, Millsy. Sorry, boss.

No-one will notice it's from Argentina if there's a shitload of Mexican bunting and flags and all that.

Can you make a shitload of Mexican bunting and flags and all that?

Yeah, but, sir, I've got to do the... Bunt, Millsy, now.

Boss, the paperwork? Millsy!

It's MoD paperwork, bollocks to it. This is important.

You heard me - get bunting.

And whatever you do, don't tell Mac and Rocket about the dancing.

Why not? Have you met Mac and Rocket?

We'd never hear the end of it.

In scottish accent: "What you doing? Dancing?!

"Gay! Gay! Gay!"

"Gay..."

Right, Simon.

May I have this dance?

(Tango music)

There you go. Lovely.

Excuse me...

I'm so glad we found this secret place.

(Music stops)

Have you seen Corporal Bird? Why do you want to know?

She seems like a friendly enough sort, and...

Oh, does she? Does she indeed?

Simon, go and round up Rocket, Mac and Millsy, meet me in my quarters.

You.

Come with me. Let's go find her.

So, you're interested in Corporal Bird?

You said we were going to find her?

Let me introduce the committee. I'm Captain Medhurst, this is Corporal Mills, Lance Corporal Lansley and Private Armstrong. And your worst nightmare, and ours, Private McDowell.

Hello, spunk monkey.

OK, this has been fun. So I'm just going to...

Fun? Oh, we're not here for fun.

This is all part of the... vetting process.

(Laughter)

We're just very concerned for Bird's well-being.

And we've got bugger all else to do. So, Parikh... what are your intentions towards her?

Intentions? I'm not marrying her.

Oh, so you just want to use her for sex.

Wrong answer! Oh, come on...

Shall I smack him, boss?

Uh...not yet.

So, come on, dog boy. Do you think you can keep her in the manner to which she's become accustomed?

No' hard, to be honest. TV remote and a packet of Hobnobs, she's happy.

What we want to know, Captain - how much do you make?

None of your business!

Answer, fucknuts!

Just over 40K.

I am f*cking retraining. That's double what I get.

Well done, you! It's no' fair, yous don't even get sh*t at.

Well, I do get shat on.

Even so, Captain, you are, with all due respect, a first-class p*ssy who minced his way through the Vicars and Tarts course at Sandhurst because he was good at biology.

Anyone else got any questions?

Aye. How far away is the moon?

You got any STDs?

No. I bloody haven't.

You spend your time with your hand up a cow's arse.

You must have been tempted to slip one in. No, Private.

I've never been tempted to slip one in.

And it's not their arse, but their vag*na.

Hmm. Interesting.

Now, listen, Parikh.

We'll be watching you.

And if you mistreat Bird in any way...

Mac? I'll rip your arms off and stuff them up your arse!

Or should I say... vag*na?

Have you ever been to Mexico, Bird?

Nope.

Will and I went once on a holiday.

Well, it was in a resort in Cancun.

Will did find some lovely local things for us to...

(She groans)

It's all in the past.

I'm really getting that.

I didn't know the Mexican flag had a hedgehog in the middle of it.

It's an eagle!

(Clears throat)

It's an eagle.

Sorry, I'm just really determined to make Mexican night a flipping success.

Tom! Morning.

Oh, hello, er, Corporal. Want to grab a pew?

Well, I'm not really, I mean...

It's all right, I won't bite. And if I do, I haven't got rabies.

That sounded classier in my head.

It was funny. Ha-ha.

Although, rabies is actually quite a serious problem out here.

Right.

Have a seat. Uh...OK.

So, how's Monty looking?

Better.

And you're staying for...? One more day.

And... what's your favourite colour?

Blue. Who've you been talking to?

I didn't catch all of their names...

I mean, no-one.

I have to go now. Bye.

Ah! Mexican night.

Good work, Padre.

Thankless task.

Still, nice hedgehog.

(Tango music)

'Feel the rhythm of the music and dip your partner!'

OK, stop, stop.

Great! Can we learn the waltz now?

At some point. Right.

This track's no good because of the voice-over.

You know what Mary would like?

Live music.

Millsy, you're going to have to learn tango music on that guitar.

Kind of got my hands full with bunting, boss.

And we've run out of paper, so...

Yeah. I'm not sure that Mary would...

Never mind. Carry on, and take this DVD back a bit.

Right.

'Feel the rhythm of the music and dip your partner.'

What the f*ck have you lot been saying to...?

Let me stop there. What the f*ck? Bloody hell, Nick.

I thought Thursday night was man-love night.

It's for his wedding. Anyway, what have you lot been saying to Parikh? Cos I just tried talking to him and he could not have given less of a sh*t.

Were you telling him your "I once met a Spice Girl" story?

No.

And FYI, that is a good story.

Which one did you meet, by the way? Mel C. Sporty.

I always liked Ginger.

Oh, what?! Oh, Jesus!

I know, I'm not proud of it. You shouldn't be.

Ginger was the boring one that boring people fancied because they thought she was a bit racy.

You know, the kind of guys that think that doggy-style is really out there.

I mean, obviously, I fancied the other four as well.

Actually, I had this dream once where all five of them were...

(She groans)

Never mind.

So, look, are you going to help us prepare for Mexican night behind Mary's back? Ooo-oo-ooh!

♪ Nick and Mary up a tree ♪
♪ D-A-N-C-I-N-G. ♪

Dancing?

Up a tree? Yeah.

Look, can you bunt so that Millsy can get on and learn his tango music?

OK. OK, but you need to fix this with Parikh.

And...be subtle, right?

Subtle. Right.

What's wrong with Corporal Bird?!

Nothing! As far as I can tell, while keeping a respectful distance.

Yeah, well, your respectful distance is starting to come across as f*cking rude. f*cking RUDE!

Right, what arm first, boss? Get off!

He's no' good enough for Bird.

Up to your elbow in a cow's jacksie?!

vag*na, it's the vag*na! Because the jacksie would be disgusting?

Sometimes you have to clear out the rectum before you...

It's not important.

You're lucky to have Bird interested in you at all.

It certainly doesn't feel that way.

She's honest. She's loyal.

She's a surprisingly considerate lover.

All: What?!

Yeah.

Yeah, happened in Andover, when we said we were going to the George and Dragon.

Just got it out the way, said we'd never speak of it again.

Well, to each other, anyway.

I spent bloody ages looking for that pub.

Anyway, any more questions for Parikh?

Aye.

How tall's a brontosaurus?

Morning, all.

Don't get up.

Actually, I'm tied to the chair.

Oh, yes. Mary seems to be in a bit of a funk about this Mexican night, thinks she's not getting enough support.

I presume you're organising it secretly behind her back to try and impress her? Um... Good-oh. Anything I can do, etc.

Parikh, we're having a mini-shindig tonight.

A min-dig, if you will.

You're going to ask Bird along, I think?

We... Thought so.

Carry on.

You heard him. RUN!

Corporal Bird. Could we...?

Yes, Captain Parikh?

So, Corporal, I...

I was wondering if you would like to go to this mini-shindig with me.

Min-dig? Yeah, go on, then. Great.

So I'll see you at 20:00 hours?

Will do.

I'll be the one wearing this.

Right.

(Nick sniggers)

Right, I think we've got them all. I'm going in.

(Barking)

Wait, boss.

Monty's thinking about something.

Well, I'll be sure not to tread in it. Thank you, Bird.

He's found another device, just outside the five and 20s.

sh*t.

That's a bit close for comfort.

OK, we've got to move back, everyone.

Come on.

There's a good boy, well done, well done, Monty!

Now all you need to do is use the disruptor to cut the wire...

Tell you what, I'll do that.

Who's a good boy? A good boy!

Do animals really have vaginas?

Aye.

Obviously.

Do they?

You just never think of it.

Course they have vaginas.

Otherwise how would they shag each other?

What about fish?

Eh?

Fish. Do fish have vaginas?

Aye. They must do... so they can get fish fingered.

Fish don't have fingers. I know.

They're just called fish fingers but they're actually just made up of wee bits of fish.

Aye, I...

Forget it.

What about whales?

Whales probably have vaginas.

Massive f*cking vaginas.

I think most animals have vaginas.

Or some other thing for shagging and for having baby animals out of.

Baby animals come out of vaginas?!

Aye! Where do you think they come out of?

Where is everybody?

(Tango music)

Come on, Nick!

Light, light on the feet!

I'm wearing boots.

It's about attitude, not footwear.

Look, can we just stop this now and start to learn the waltz?

Because Charlotte was quite insistent. What, you expect me to compromise my non-existent relationship with Mary for some wedding? Now, come on.

Look, I just think...

All right, ladies, simmer down.

Take it back, Millsy, I want to practise the dip again.

(Tango music)

What the f*ck is this?!

Exactly.

If that's meant to be a tango hold, you've got serious problems.

What? Eh?

Used to represent my school at Scottish country dancing.

Only did a wee bit of ballroom, but I know a dodgy hold when I see one.

Well, this takes the heat off me.

Mac, if you'd like to get started on the jokes.

Dancing, gay, Rocket's a buftie...

Nothing gay about Scottish country dancing.

I thought you were one of the good guys, Skip.

But that's both h*m* and r*cist.

You need to take a long, hard look at yourself.

(He tuts)

What about the Gay Gordons?

There's nothing f*cking gay about the Gay f*cking Gordons!

I stand corrected.

Speaking of which, Rocket, come and show us a proper tango hold.

Come on, come on.

Mmm... Mm-hmm.

I was doing that.

And... one, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

I'm impressed, Rocket.

Thanks, boss. Didn't know you could count that high.

You know, I didn't expect anyone to help, but I thought people would come.

I mean, at least for the free Doritos.

No.

There you go. Cheers.

Good work, Padre. Like the flag.

Gucci hedgehog.

Sorry, I... I'm going to leave you to it.

So, did I tell you I met Mel C? From the Spice Girls?

Really? Yep.

How come? Well...

I was shopping with my sister...

Vamos!

(Fanfare)

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome tonight's star attraction, a mariachi tribute band!

I say tribute, because tonight is the night mariachi music dies.

Please go wild for Los Dross Moss Bros!

(Cheering)

Go on, boys!

(Band plays mariachi music)

This is amazing! Such a lovely surprise, just when I thought you were being a complete twat about it.

Oh, it is, it's just like Cancun...ish.

Well, we had a little spare time on our hands, so...

What's the bunting made out of?

Oh, interesting. OK.

Mac personally sacrificed 30 p*rn mags to make it.

I'm touched. You should be. Nearly 10% of his library.

Although I'm not really sure how Mexican it is.

There's a Brazilian. That's pretty close.

(Band plays tango music)

(Cheering)

(She sobs)

What's the matter? Sorry, sorry.

It's Will.

I miss him so much. I'm sorry. You're kidding!

Will you let me up, please?

I need...I need some time to think.

You have got to be f*cking joking!

You'd better carry on. Sir.

(Tango music)

Well, we've learnt it now.

And there she was.

Mel C.

Wow. Yeah.

You know, I've always had a bit of a thing for the ginger one.

Really? Yeah! Yeah.

Right.

I think we're done here.

So... tomorrow we learn the waltz, as promised.

Promised? Doesn't sound like me.

For the last 24 hours, we've done nothing... Don't worry, Simon.

Rocket? Boss?

Cut in, that's an order. There you go, Simon.

Waltz lessons.

It's a piece of piss.

Just do a triangle with your feet.

(He burps)

Oh, how many Doritos have you eaten?

Only ten bags.