03x06 - Series 3, Episode 6

Rocket?

Wake up!

Last day on base!

Our last breakfast.

I hope it's sausages no, beans - no, both!

No, souvenirs.

Time to nick anything that isn't nailed down.

Let's raid the cookhouse.

What, and proff some ladles? You're not thinking big enough, Rocket.

There are some pretty big ladles.

(Clank, crash)

(Clank)

Private MacDowell, what have you got there?

Nothing.

A souvenir?

Look, I get it. We all want souvenirs.

I know how it works, I'm one of the guys.

Sorry, Ma'am, but... you're not one of the guys.

Really?

I know I'm "the boss", but it's not like I'm actually bossy.

All right.

Open the bag, Mac. That's an order.

I can't believe you made me do that, over some tiny little...

The X-ray machine!? Bloody hell!

What do you even want that for?

X-ray my balls.

What?

I'm going to open up my own ball X-raying business.

"Ballbags - no ball too small".

Nobody wants their balls X-rayed.

I beg to differ.

Couldn't find any giant ladles, but I've got beans!

Is that the X-ray machine?

Brilliant! Can you X-ray my balls?

Music: Sunny Afternoon by The Kinks So, Medal - what medal do you think you'll get for your heroic night-time stabbing frenzy?

A Military Cross? QGM?

I didn't do anything that any other well-trained, professional soldier wouldn't have done.

Oh, here you are.

Message from the boss - meeting at 10.00 and then a Survival Skills Refresher.

Training? For f*ck's sake!

But we're sunbathing!

Quite right.

I can see you're all rushed off your feet as it is.

Oh, and Medal - Colonel wants to see you.

Roger that.

Pull up a pew.

You're all right. I don't need to sunbathe I'm hitched, remember? Job done.

What - and Mrs Towerblock loves the, er... what is that skin tone called?

"Blind cave worm"?

Mmm - sexy! We work in EOD. You know what that stands for?

All: Every One's Divorced.

Nah, me and the missus have got rules, to keep solid.

I call her and the nipper every week and she doesn't wear her leather skirt down the pub. Sorted.

So, what's everyone doing when they get home?

Your mum.

f*ck off!

What about you, Bird?

Head back to Didcot, catch up with some of the guys... shag some of the guys, read A Storm Of Swords in peace.

Your folks not meeting you off the plane?

Haven't even told them when I'm back.

Bird, that is f*cked up.

I'll be too busy, what with the Storm Of Swords - and my reading.

Wahey!

Anyway, my sister's the favourite - lawyer, lives in Richmond, kids. Urgh.

Phone them. Seriously.

Haven't got any minutes left. Used them all for admin - well, shag-min.

There's 40 minutes on there.

Fine. I'll call them, just to prove how little of a sh1t they give.

A microscopic micro-turd that's how little.

Ooh - it's done!

(Knocks at door)

Corporal, come in.

It's about the medal recommendation.

There was talk of a QGM, but I mean, what is gallantry?

One man's gallantry is another man's raw instinct.

Just protecting the team - didn't do it for the medal.

A very healthy attitude, especially as you're not going to get one.

f*cking hell... sir... Sorry, sir.

They felt you didn't do anything that any other well-trained professional soldier wouldn't have done.

Oh...

Sorry about that.

Bit of a boot in the nuts, but just one of those things.

Is it, sir?

Is it?

It is. It is, it's, er... It is, sir.

You're a good soldier, Lansley - and I'm sure your team are very grateful. That's what matters.

I think if you...

Carry on!

Right...

Having some work done on it, sir?

Mmm.

Keep an eye on Simon, would you?

Had a bit of a knock-back, so make sure the team show him the love.

Though not in a Thursday night way.

Sir.

Caught Mac proffing the X-ray machine this morning.

For his balls, I presume?

.. Yes.

I hate having to be the villain.

I was just starting to feel they'd accepted me.

Got to have a proper villain. What's the first rule?

Both: Have a proper villain.

Good.

They can't go round nicking stuff, so...

If I were you, I'd focus on getting everyone on the plane in one piece.

Carry on.

Ah, Boss. Um...

About this training...

Survival Skills? Essential.

It's the last day. Um, with respect... no-one's really up for it.

Bird, we're in a hazardous environment. We need to stay sharp.

I think the guys do know that.

Oh, that's not my reading of the guys, but you're the boss.

See you at the training. I'm really looking forward to it, now.

Are you?

No, right...

Can't believe she took back the X-ray machine.

I know.

I was hoping for radioactive balls.

Wait! Stop it, I'm having that...

I wanted that flag...

f*cking stop pulling it, you bell ends!

What's going on here? Towerblock, Get down off that table!

What do you even want it for?

I want to cut out the red bits.

But now, we'll have to go and give it back to the CQ - because apparently, souvenirs are banned.

No...

I was going to say, why don't we have a fun little competition, to see who gets the flag? Yeah?

Can't I just take it?

Really, Boss?

Oh, Bird, we're...

Can't f*cking believe it.

My parents are going to meet me at Brize.

They were meant to be having dinner with my sister, but they moved it to the next day - they can't wait to see me.

There you go...

We had this massive heart-to-heart and...

Ngh, oh... They love me, Towerblock. They f*cking love me.

Of course they do.

I only joined the Army to piss them off.

My whole life has been a lie. I'm such a f*cking idiot!

You're not a f*cking idiot.

You've only got two minutes of phone time left.

You f*cking idiot! I've got to call my missus!

Ooh! Can I have the flag as a souvenir?

Well, actually, we're...

We've got to have some gay competition for it.

You want flag?

I can get British flags for all of you - and American ones, which my supplier has pre-soaked in petrol.

I want this one.

I have other souvenirs, including...

Faruq Sings The Hits That Rod Stewart Also Sang, But Before.

Right...

Help me out here - I have a thousand copies.

Oh, well - I'm sure we'll all...

.. bear that in mind.

So, the most awesome souvenir wins the flag.

We've all got stuff, right?

(All talk over each other)

OK, back here in ten.

Boss, what about the training?

Training?

Bore off, dulloid! It's the last day.

Let's have some fun!

Hey, guys! Count me in for fun!

I thought we were doing Survival Skills?

Some of us already have those.

A couple of hexi blocks, sharp knife...

I could live in the wild, pretty much indefinitely.

You all right, Medal?

Errgh! Not "Medal" any more.

Oh, no, really?

Eh? I don't get it!

sh1t, really?

You didn't get one?

Nope. I just heard from the Colonel. But who cares?

We don't do this for medals, do we?

You do.

Mac, he does not.

Simon, I'm so sorry...

So, we can't call you "Medal" now?

Can we call you "Mentioned in Dispatches"?

Errgh! Didn't even get that.

Can we call you "No Medal"?

You can call me whatever the f*ck you like.

We do that, anyway.

Well, Simon - as a fun team thing, we were having a competition for the best souvenir.

Why would I want to remember any of this?

Simon?

Simon, look -

I know you wanted something to happen between us and...

No, it's not that.

It's all in the past.

Well, obviously the medal was a real blow...

That's fine. It's fine, it's fine.

You know? I mean, it's not like it's even fair, because you know who got one?

Captain Parfitt - Military Cross.

Parfo?

Bloody hell!

Yeah!

The big cheese who's married to Charlotte, my ex, who...

Sorry, do you know him?

Er... we dated.

For a few months. It was never going to last.

Yeah - cos he's an A-grade arsehole, right?

One of those w*nk*r officers who just...

No, no, no, Parfo's lovely.

I left him, because I thought he was too good for me.

He's brave, kind...

Well, today just gets better and better.

Maybe my luck will change and I'll get run over by a mastiff!

(Simon screams)

OK, guys, this is a postcard painted for me by my last interpreter.

Oh, this is a doll I found...

Holy sh1t!

Towerblock, that's a mortar tube!

Well, it's something for the kids to play with.

It's not safe!

Bird, that's a mine I have never even seen before.

It's a collector's item - just whack a "Free From Explosive" certificate on it.

You can do that.

Yeah, I could do that - if it was actually free from explosives.

Mac, that needs a wash... that's rusty and lethal.... that has its own clause in the Geneva Convention.

No, I'm sorry...

Fine!

Some f*cking competition this was.

Guys, you can't take these home.

This is a souvenir. These are war trophies.

Leave them here. Sorry.

Rocket, the water bottle's fine.

Yes!

So this whole thing was a sting?

That is a very Rupert move.

That is not fair.

I didn't expect you to bring me a bunch of rusty death traps.

What were you expecting? We're soldiers.

"One of the guys", my arse.

Do you know where I could get this filled with nerve gas?

No.

Oh, two minutes will be enough.

Cos you're solid, right?

Sat phone kicking about?

In there.

Towerblock, don't give me the silent treatment.

All right.

f*ck off, Bird.

Hello? Is that Hibiscus?

I'm sure you're packed to the rafters, but is there any chance of a table on Saturday evening...

Oh, are you?

I'm sorry about the line, but I'm serving with Her Majesty's Armed Forces in Afghanistan.

(Bang bang)

No, no, nothing we can't handle.

(Bang)

(Faruq screams threats)

A table's just opened up?

Eight o'clock will be perfect.

Lieutenant Colonel Smith.

See you, then.

Cheers, Sir.

Carry on.

You like Rod Stewart?

Love him.

(Keys in number)

All right, love?

Yeah, I'm just ringing to...

Oh, is she?

Aw, bless!

No, don't put her on, I've only got a couple of minutes.

So, I get back on...

What? No, well, I had to give some minutes to Bird and she...

No.

No, she's not.

No, of course you're more important than she is.

Get off!

What? No, she's... No, she's not here...

(Bird sniffs)

Shagging her?

She's not even fit!

Ow!

No, I'll... I'll explain when you pick me up.

What?!

Now, listen, no, you listen - I paid for that f*cking Mini, so you'd better...

Great.

She thinks we're shagging.

Why would she think that?


Nice bit of kit that, sir.

I imagine you'll be sorry to see that go.

Mmm.

I'd imagine I would.

All right, mate?

Soz about the medal.

It's fine.

What's this?

"My childhood was a series..."

Not for publication!

You having another go at a memoir?

No.

A Foot In Death's Door II Two Feet In Death's Door!

Actually, Bird - I've been trying to work out where I've been going wrong all these years.

Uh, it's basically stuff like this, mate - overthinking everything!

You need to get home and take...

There's nothing for me in Braintree.

Yeah, I can believe that.

Just get out of yourself, for a bit.

A serious bout of heavy drinking some extreme sports, perhaps?

Probably not in that order.

And see your parents. They love you.

Meh...

When Charlotte left me, I just think they were so disappointed...

They love us... more than we know...

Mm. I'm fine, fine...

Anyway - I just think that...

There's a shout on.

Reaper drone's come down, and we get to blow it up. Mint!

But we're all packed up. Heli's picking us up four hours.

Oh, right! Forget it then - just stay here, have a brew.

Oh, cheer up, Numpty! Take it out on the Taliban.

Why? They're the only ones I have no personal quarrel with!

Mac, stop that!

Perfect souvenir!

No, no, it's not - it's a war trophy.

It's not like you found a piece lying on the ground.

Ooh! Let's not blow it up!

If we can all take a bit home, we can put it back together and fly it about!

Rocket, the enemy really want this, so we have to deny it, ASAP.

I'm putting a three minute fuse on these charges, by which time, we need to be 500 metres away, OK?

Now, give me 100 metres, while I light them.

Go!

Oh, sh1t.

Go, go!

(Gunfire)

f*cking ambush!

Diamond 21, this is Bluestone 42. Contact.

Enemies times five. We are engaging. Wait out.

This is not a safe distance... sh1t! 90 seconds!

Boss, we're pinned down.

I'm going to leg it over there, draw their fire.

Simon, that's insane!

Their AKs aren't that accurate. I'll hide behind the berm.

You guys flank them, before the charges function.

It's too risky!

Well, at least if I die, I might get a f*cking medal!

(Mac laughs)

Holy sh1t!

Yoo-hoo, jizzbags!

On me!

Everybody down!

(Boom)

Look what I found!

Just lying on the ground.

Gleaming!

Simon, are we clear?

'Clear!'

That's it, then.

Can we go home now?

Good work, chaps.

Welcome back, Bluestone 42.

I hear Corporal Lansley was the hero of the hour.

We wouldn't have got back without him.

Me and Rocket's going to make him a medal. The MRGM - the Mac and Rocket Gallantry Medal.

Prestigious(!)

While I write him up for a real one.

Oh, and you've missed your transport, but there's going to be another heli at 19.00 hours.

It'll mean getting home a day later, I'm afraid.

f*cking RAF!

You've all got an extra five minutes on your phone cards to call home.

Carry on.

Five minutes to save his marriage!

Unbelievable!

Love, listen - please, just let me explain.

Hi, Mrs Towerblock...

Give it here! Give it here!

Corporal Bird here. Lynda, yeah.

Just want you to know, I'm not shagging your husband.

Yeah.

I bet he does.

Is it? Really?

(Bird laughs)

No!

(Mac hums)

Oh! Here he is.

(Mac fanfares)

(Applause)

OK, then. Let's have it.

We are giving you... a medal. You know, for your bravery?

It is the highest medal that can be conferred on an Englishman.

The MRGM.

What does that stand for? Medal for Really...

.. Gay Mingers?

Eh?

f*ck you, guys.

I saved your lives today and all you do is take the piss.

Simon, they've stopped taking the piss. They're showing you respect.

It's made of chocolate.

Funny, guys(!)

Really funny(!)

We were being nice!

Simon!

Boss, just give him a minute.

OK. I'll sit next to him on the plane, have a heart-to-heart.

Right. OK, one more thing...

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

No, no, no, like it or not...

.. I got the best souvenir.

Mac, there was no competition, it was just...

(Mac fanfares)

Nice!

You said it would be OK, if I just found it lying on the ground.

Yes, I did. But it's not as good as...

.. this. The seeker head from the Hellfire missile.

This is a thing of beauty...

Wow, f*ck me!

I think I win. In fact, I'm in charge, so I say I win.

Fair enough.

You're abusing your position for personal gain.

You are one of the guys.

What, really?

I admire your balls.

If you ever need them X-rayed, stop off at Ballbags.

Well... because I'm part of such a great team, I don't need this...

.. because I've the memory of working with all of you.

So, Mac - I want you to have it.

Nah, lost my respect again.

Oh!

If you're just going to hand it over, then I'm f*cking having it.

(All shout over each other)

I believe I win this.

Eh?

Well, if you look over there, those boxes contain my Land Rover, labelled and ready to be shipped to my home address.

Best souvenir, I think.

You proffed an actual Land Rover?

That's completely...

A Land Rover? Did I say that? Oh, no.

Those are boxes of audio cassettes.

(Cassettes rattle)

My only crime is loving Rod Stewart.

♪ We are sailing ♪
♪ We are sailing ♪
♪ Home again ♪
♪ Cross the sea ♪
♪ We... ♪

Your loss.

Bird?

So, is my missus taking me home in that mini that I'm paying for, or what?

Yes, she is...

Oh, thank God!

..straight after she's dropped me off in Portsmouth.

You what?

Yeah, my parents aren't picking me up again, cos of the flight change.

Apparently they don't want to mess my sister around. Arseholes!

That's got to be like a four hour round trip - and then another four to Leeds!

What can I say? Me and your missus really hit it off.

She's like the sister I never had.

You've got a sister!

..Who's dead to me as are my parents.

See you in the car.

Oh, shotgun!

Oh, when I get home, I'm going on a Greggs-crawl.

Lucky you.

I'm off on a motoring tour of the South of England.

Where is Simon?

Oh, good point. Where is Simon? Anyone seen him?

He owes me 200 for certain items.

He swore me to secrecy.

Hexamine, sharp knife, stove...

Is he planning a camping trip?

Oh, sh1t!

f*cking hell!

sh1t...

"The mountains will appreciate me?"

We think he's gone AWOL, sir.

Yes, I can f*cking see that!

What happened to getting them all on the plane in one piece?

Yes, sir...

Now I have to stay here and find him - search parties, Special Forces!

I was meant to be taking my wife to Hibiscus!

f*cking hell!

(Crash)

Op round-up, now -

I want the base searched and an ops meeting at 19.00 hours.

Sir, we would like to stay and help look for him. Right, Rocket?

Aye. We need to find him.

We'll all stay.

No, no, no.

The last thing I need is "help" from Bluestone 42.

I'll find him, don't you worry about that.

You scamps get on your heli.

OK. Well, sir...

Off we f*ck.

No, not "off we f*ck"!

f*ck off!

f*ck off onto the heli, then f*ck off onto the plane, then carry on f*cking off out of Afghanistan.

Go on, f*ck off!

He can't have gone far.

Aye.

He's only got wee legs.

The Colonel will find him.

.. And cut his balls off.

Or some locals will find him.

.. And cut his balls off.

Mac, not helping.

I'm kidding!

He'll probably be eaten by wolves first.

I think a nice cup of tea, don't you?

Yes, Lieutenant Lansley.

OK, Captain Best...

.. Ellen.

We'll just wait for that to boil.

(Engine revs)

It's all right, Captain.

We're quite safe here.

(Helicopter blades)

Music: "Sailing" by "Rod Stewart"

♪ I am sailing ♪
♪ I am sailing ♪
♪ Home again ♪
♪ Cross the sea ♪
♪ I am sailing stormy waters ♪
♪ To be near you ♪
♪ To be free ♪
♪ I am flying ♪
♪ I am flying ♪
♪ Like a bird ♪
♪ Across the sky ♪
♪ I am flying, passing high clouds ♪
♪ To be with you ♪
♪ To be free ♪
♪ We are sailing ♪
♪ We are sailing ♪
♪ Home again ♪
♪ Across the sea ♪
♪ We are sailing stormy waters ♪
♪ To be near you... ♪