03x03 - Aye, There's the Rub

So come and get... it?

(Groans) Who am I kidding?

I can't remember the first time we met.

Or the second.

Never drink anything unless you know what's in it.

I loved your magic fingers and your c-c-cunni...

Oi! Oi, oi, oi.

(Clears throat)

It says Cunninglufugus.

He's one of Snuffleupagus' friends.

I've never heard of him.


Well, he doesn't come out all that often.

But trust me, he is a fan favorite.

You shouldn't even be writing your own letters.

Why do you say that?

If you were really a princess, the Royal Scrivener would write them for you.

For your information, this is a very personal letter.

It's very important that I write it myself, okay.

Do I have a Royal Scrivener?

You don't even know?


You're so not the real princess.


Good morning, Your Majesty. Big day ahead of us.

DNA results are due this evening but, before that, you have a lunch with...

Yeah, go on.

Change of plan.

We need to get you back into bed immediately.

Is that never speaking of it again?

The country needs you at your best, so does the Palace.

Unless you're okay with King Cyrus taking over.

I believe he's currently in the Red State Room knighting a prostitute.

You can't be serious?

Cyrus: I thank you for your loyal services to the crown and I... knight thee Dame Sinnamon of South East something, or whatever.

Actually, Your Majesty, I changed my name to Saffron.

It's the most expensive spice.

Too late, I already said Sinnamon.

Well, then, as the newest lady of the court, how may I serve Your Majesty?

Does the great sword need a polish?

(Sighs) You're too late for that as well.

We have gooseberries picked fresh from the Royal Garden, chamomile tea prepared with honey from the Royal Garden.

And chicken soup prepared with what I can only imagine are royal chickens.

And this stuffed bear, which I believe offers some sort of healthy encouragement.

Electronic voice: 'I hope you feel better beary soon.'


Oh, I don't watch rubbish.

What rubbish is Your Majesty referring to?


Feel better.

I'm at Your Majesty's pleasure.

'Previously on Royal 'N' Beautiful, the Crown Prince began his new exercise regime.'

'Faster, you swine. Faster!

I can barely feel my muscles burn.

Do you want me to be fat like an American?

And stop sweating.

I will not have my footman be gross like a commoner.'

'Sorry, My Liege, but you're hurting my back.'

'His back? What about my feelings?

How could Gunther talk to me like that?

I am the Crown Prince of Liechtenstein.

He needs to bow down to the Crown.

Nobody understands what it's like to be royal and beautiful. Nobody!'

I understand.

(Lucy Rose: My Life)

♪ Can you see what ♪
♪ We are made of? ♪
♪ Stars aligned when ♪
♪ I found you... ♪

I miss him.

Every day.

I do too.

Where's your head?

Kind of feeling guilty.




Do you know why he called me Sparrow?

Yeah, because you were his baby brother.

He said you were so small when you were born.

Like a little bird.

It's the code name Security gave me.

Robert was the heir to the throne and I was the spare.

I like Robert's version better.

I spent a lot of time in my brother's shadow and that was okay because I loved him.

But it wasn't okay the day I met you.

Did you ever think about me?

No. You were Robert's brother.

I should go.

I don't regret what happened last night.

You shouldn't either.

So, next time I knock on your door, open it.

Don't feel guilty.

♪ This is my life ♪
♪ And it's written down here for you ♪
♪ This is my life ♪

(Knocking on door)

♪ And I gave it all to you ♪


♪ My only life ♪
♪ And it's written down here ♪
♪ For you ♪

So, what are we gonna do today?

It can be anything. In this bed or out of it.

I'd love to tick a few boxes with you, but I have to go to work.

Is it something a royal pardon could get you out of?

No. My dad hosts a group of veterans once a week and I like to be there for it.

Like a support group?


They just meet up and talk once a week.

It helps them cope with things.

Maybe you could come some time.

A visit from the Prince of England would mean a lot.

And I think it could mean something to you, too.

How do you mean?

Well... you've been through a lot, Liam.

It might help to talk about it.

Eleanor: Hi, Foxy.

Your little person was in my room again this morning.

Oh, sorry. I'll tell her she isn't allowed.

No, it's fine, actually. I'm teaching her things.

I'll tell her she isn't allowed.

Listen, I've figured out a way that you can repay me... for my baby-sitting services.

I need you to be my Royal Scrivener.

See, Jasper recently wrote me the most beautiful letter.


So, really, I need your help writing one to him.

You know the two of us better than anyone.

You've never written to him before?

Only texts.

Let me just...

Here we go.

It looks like some sort of code.

They're emojis.


Read text to Jasper.

Automated voice: 'Sunglasses + pistol + wine gives Princess a pulsating heart.'

There's no emoji for Jasper, so I chose sunglasses and a pistol.

Oh, and I was drinking, of course.

It's not perfect, but you do get the point, don't you?

It's very sweet.

'I want your banana in my honey pot.'

Yes, I was gonna go with taco there, but...

I thought it was a bit...

Please. No more.

Will you help me?

For the sake of letter writing and literature in general, I can't let this go on.

So, yes, I'll help you.

Yay! Thank you.

Automated voice: 'Eggplant.'

(Turns phone off)

Oh, dear. Sorry!

Sorry, Foxy.

Laurence: Come on, people.

Quit your lollygagging and move your asses.

What's going on?

I don't know how it happened, but we just found out that the Prince of England's coming today.

The guys are gonna lose their minds.

Prince Liam?

Of course Prince Liam.

Do you know another Prince of England?

Let's go, everybody. Tick-tock.

Come on. We've got a prince to prepare for.

Please tell me you've got another change of clothes.

Good morning to you, too, Angie.

What's wrong with what I'm wearing?

I don't know.

Is frumpy the new black?

At least dad has one daughter who's still trying.

Not everyone dresses like they're going to the ball.

Or The Box.

Well, maybe they should.

It's not every day you get to meet the world's most eligible bachelor.

Prince Hansel: 'Piss off!

You never understand my royal decrees. I hate you!'

Automated voice: 'I'm not even real. How can you hate me?'

'Gunther! (Shrieks)'

I can't believe she screamed at me like that.

'The nerve of her.

He's terrible.

I'm the Crown...'

Oh, I think he's wonderful.

He knows what he wants and he'll do anything he can to get it.

I respect that.

Phone down.

Plenty of fluids.

Doctor's orders.

Prince: 'Gunther!'


In England, we give out plaques for almost anything.

The other day, I presented a plaque for the street that had the most cobbled stones.


But it's nice to see that, in some places, plaques aren't just for show.

This is one of those places.

Not just because it's full of great beer, though that doesn't hurt, but because it's full of great people.

My brother recognized that a year ago when he met Captain Laurence.

Thank you for your service.

He loved the United Kingdom and he loved its people.

As I look around, I see him in each of you.

Great people doing great things.

Thank you.

All: Cheers.

(Cheering and whooping)

Wonderful speech, Your Highness.

I do hope everything is to your liking.

It certainly is.

It's good to see you again.

I believe you served me when I was here last year.

Oh, yes, of course, Your Highness.

It's so kind of you to remember.

I could never forget the Pub Princess.

Liam: Why aren't you being open about your relationship with Kathryn?

I'm next in line for the throne.

I don't get the same luxuries as you.

I can't party with my friends every night or publicly snog whoever I fancy.

Kathryn's not just anyone.

If she was my girl, I wouldn't hide her.

Your girl?

Have you thought about that a lot, little bruv?

I'll tell you what. Let's bet on the next game.

You beat me, you have my blessings to ask her out.

You'd let her go like that?

Well, we'll never know because you can't beat me.

I'm joking.

I wouldn't be with Kathryn unless I cared for her.

But the cold, hard truth is that I'm a royal, she's not.

That shouldn't matter.

It shouldn't, but it does.

There's a lot of expectation on the next King of England.

Consider yourself lucky you don't have to worry about it.

Frankly, I'm envious of you.

'You're not spoiled, if you're royaled.'


It's true. It's true.

Who was it?

You're blocking the telly.


A word?

Walk away, everyone, please.

They should at least stand when I enter.

I am the King, you know.

Yeah, for now. What do you want?

That wasn't Violet in the garden, so who was it?

Are you sure we only stole one of your balls?

It was just some girl we found working at the fishmonger.

You might say we'd "Gone fishin'".

Now walk away, I'm trying to watch this.

Spoiler alert.

Gunther brings him ice cream that's too cold and he moans about it.

'It's too cold! Gunther, I hate you!'

You ruined it! Get out!

I'd say you've got some big bollocks, but I know you got them blown off in Basra.

Bryan: That was my ass that got shot in Basra.

My bollocks I lost to a hooker in Fallujah.

Rosie, I didn't know you were in Fallujah.

Well, you lost your own goddamn arm.

I wouldn't expect you to keep track of me.


Sorry, Your Highness, if we're being too crass.

I've got a mouth on me like a sailor with his mouth on another sailor.

Please, you should hear the way my brother and I used to speak to each other.

See? He gets it. We're all brothers.

Even you, Rosie. Our ugly little brother.

To brothers in arms.

Brothers in arms.

And of course to brother in arm.


What happened, if I may ask?

I was on a recon mission.

My mate stepped on an IED.

Killed him instantly and blew half my arm off.

The pain was like nothing I'd felt before.

I wanted to just give in to it.

But you found the strength to survive.

It wasn't strength.

It was the thought of my girl back home.

If I didn't make it back alive, she'd have kicked my ass.


Now she just has to wipe it.




Remember that letter you helped me write to Eleanor?

Not really.

But I do remember the letter I completely wrote for you.

Now's not the time to argue. I just got one back.

It's amazing.

Oh, it can't be that good.

Oh, but then again...

See, I told you it's good.

I believe you said "amazing".

It is, but it's just this one part.

Which part?

The part about "a heart so true."

What's wrong with that?

I don't know. Nothing, it's just a little girly.

Just because it's sensitive doesn't mean it's girly.

The hearts of men and women love the same.

Nice! Nice! Give me more like that.

(Message alert)



Oh, like I care about your fantasy cricket league.

Well, you should, I'm kicking ass.

Oh, yeah?

Why are you in such a good mood?

Because of you.

Seriously, thank you for convincing me to give Jasper another chance.

If it weren't for you, we wouldn't be together now.

What's the point of being a brother if you can't hook your sister up with your bodyguard?

That's creepy.

Oh, I thought you were Jasper.

Looks like you have some competition.

Tell me about it. This is Sara Alice.

Sara Alice, this is my brother, Prince Liam.

You don't look like a prince.

She says that a lot. Don't pay attention to her.

I wasn't going to. Bye, Sara Alice.

Bye, Not Jasper.

Have you seen our boyfriend anywhere?

My boyfriend.

I might know where he is.

Ooh. Wonderful.

How can her hair be dark as a mountain, but bright as the sun? It doesn't make sense.

It doesn't have to make perfect sense. It's poetic.

Well, there's a fine line between poetic and pathetic.

There certainly is.

'My dearest Eleanor...'


We're breaking up!

(Groans) I don't blame you.

It doesn't even sound like you.

Well, that's quite nice.

Both: Thank you.

How could you?

These letters were supposed to be between us... not us.

How could you both betray my trust like that?

I beg your pardon, Princess, but you had me write your letter as well.

This is not about me.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. You didn't write that letter?

So you don't think I have the body of a Greek God?

No, no.

But James does.

Well, thank you, James.


You can't be mad at me. You did exactly the same thing.

That's the point, though, isn't it?

We can't do anything right.

Our relationship started with my blackout and your blackmail.

I thought the letters could be a new beginning for us.

I mean, how hard must it be to write a few stupid sentences about how we feel?

I didn't know what to say. I'm...

I'm not a letter writer.

I guess maybe we just don't get each other like I hoped we did.

You know we do.

I know James does.

(Message alert)

Willow: Knock knock.


Good to see you.

You too.

Why are you so happy?


What did the pill that Eleanor gave you look like?

No pills. Just happy you're here.

I've been wanting to ask you something.

Ask away.

I want to start a charity for wounded vets, help them get their lives back on track.

Can you help with that?

I can. What gave you the idea?

I want to honor Robert.

Brilliant. I'll make some calls.

It's great to see you happy again.

I like this version of you.

Me, too.

Hey, did erm... Madden ever talk to you?

He... he asked if I was okay with him asking you out.

And what did you say?

I told him you're out of his league, but that he should.

He did, but I don't know if it's a friend thing, or another thing.

It's a "whatever you want it to be" thing.

You should give him a chance.

Well... you're not the boss of me, so...

Actually, I kind of am now.

I just want you to be happy. I like that version of you.

I'll think about it.

How did I fall for such an obvious ploy?

You don't have her eyes, her nose, her ass.

But, I suppose, with the right alterations... you could pass for her.

Pass for who?

I was in love with a girl who looked... kind of like you.

Then, one day, she was gone.

Now I have a problem.

Down there.

And I need your help straightening it out, so to speak.

You want me to pretend to be another girl so your willy can work again?

I wouldn't have been so vulgar about it but, yes, that's the idea.

Why would I do that?

Because your King requested it.

If that's not reason enough, I could always have you locked away for treason.

I don't think so.

Or I could pay you.

You loved her?

I did, yes.


I'll do it for love.

And twice as much money.


Your hands smell like cheese.

Didn't I tell you to use scented soap for these occasions?

Apologies, my Liege.

Apologies will not remove rotten cheese smell from my nose.

(Horse snorts)

What is this?

An extremely rare Highland stallion from the sire line of Damascus, bred especially for Your Highness.

'Eurgh! It's brown.

Everyone has a brown horse. It's so common!

Does he think I'm a common boy?

I'm not a common boy!

I'm the Crown Prince of Liechtenstein!'

What a little jerk.

Why can't boys ever be happy with what's given to them?

He's not just a boy, he's a prince.

They have to have higher standards.

Gunther: 'He never says thank you. Not even once. I'm quite sure he doesn't even know the meaning of the word. (Gunther weeps)'

Uh, this better be important.

Prince Hansel's about to try on his new slippers.

I bet he doesn't like them.

The results are in, Your Majesty.

I got so carried away with all that nonsense, I forgot how important this day was.

That was sort of the point, Your Majesty, to take your mind off your worries.

It's one of the main reasons people watch rubbish.

Regardless of who their father is, you'll always be their mother.

No one can take that away from you, or them.

Thank you, Spencer, for taking care of me today.

It's been my pleasure, Your Majesty.

(Unlocks case)

I used to hate when she yelled at us, but not talking is worse.

Much worse.

I need to tell you what I've been up to this last week.

I've had your DNA tested again.

We were able to get hold of Cyrus's DNA from his...

Well, it doesn't matter where we got it, but it's done.

That tests have proven, without a doubt... that Simon is your biological father... and I'm your mother, but you know that.

I always knew he was our father.

I'm so sorry.

You don't need to apologize.

She doesn't?

I do.

The previous tests weren't a mistake by the lab.

Your blood was never tested.

It was all a scheme.

A lie invented by me... and Cyrus... and I'm so ashamed of it now and... what I put you through, both of you.

You still don't think she needs to apologize?

You've made it right.

It's done now.

I know why you made that deal.

You didn't believe in me.

Honestly, I didn't believe in myself back then either.

But I need you to believe in me now.

I do.

I was going to ask if you were ready to be King, because there's no going back but I can see, without a doubt, that you are.

I must schedule a press conference so we can tell our news to all of England.

Eleanor, is there anything you want to add?

(Both laugh)

No, not that way. More maid-like.

Less maid-like.

(Groans) Never mind.

Go and get the pomegranate juice and tell me to drink it.

Drink the pomegranate juice.

No. I don't want to.



You need to force me to drink it.

Well, how do you suggest I do that?

Demand that I drink it.

Drink the pomegranate juice.


Say cruciferous.


Whisper it. Be sexy.

(Whispers) Cruciferous.

You can leave now.

Should I leave in a specific way, or...?

No. Just go. We're finished.

(Sighs) I'm finished.

You must have really loved her if you're still like this now.

One of these days, you'll find someone like that to love again and that'll fix everything.

I'll keep that in mind, fish lady.

Your mom just told me the good news.


I mean, congratulations, Your Majesty.

Stop. Stop. Thank you.

You believed I could be King before anyone else.

Before even I did.

It meant the world to me. It still does.

Of course. We should celebrate.

We should, but I can't right now.

I have... something.

Another time?


What could be more important than this?

Hot date?


I'm sorry, I...

I should have told you about her earlier.

So that's the reason you've been in such a good mood.

There's nothing to be sorry about.

Have a good time and congratulations, truly.

Thank you, Willow.

For everything.

Are we still friends?

Yeah. I'd rather marry a prince anyway.

Yeah. Who wouldn't?

Come on. You know you're not supposed to be playing in the Princess's room.

I don't think she's a princess.

Why do you say that?

She doesn't act like one.

So what are princesses supposed to act like?

They're supposed to dance and sing and act pretty for the ball.

Well, I've seen her dance and sing and she always looks pretty.

They also ride in carriages and brush their hair and wait to be rescued.

She doesn't even own a tiara or a brush.

However is she going to find a prince?

Yeah, but you know those are just fairy tales.

When I think of a real princess, I always think of Eleanor.

A real princess doesn't need fancy dresses or jewels and she definitely doesn't need to be rescued.

That's what Eleanor is, she's a real princess.

She does what she wants, and she's always true to herself, despite what anybody else thinks.

That's... that's why people love her.

(Clears throat) Who's not supposed to be in my room?



You can stay.

So I guess you're not mad at me anymore?

I do what I want, and right now...

I want to do this.

Don't ever doubt your words again. They're perfect.

Just believe in them.

I wanted this.

I want you... and only you.

Now take off your clothes.

Well said.


I just wanted to return... what was left of your testicle.

If there's a God, your Botox will backfire.

Oh, there's a God but, unfortunately for you, she's Team Helena.

The DNA tests came in today and they prove what we've known all along.

So knight every pimp, drug dealer and hooker in Great Britain.

Bounce around in your huge gerbil ball, or have a huge gerbil bounce around in you.

Makes no difference. Because very soon, everyone will know the truth, and your reign... will be over.

This is your last night as King.

Enjoy it.

I hope you feel it someday.

What it's like to lose something so great.

To have it taken from you...




I've lost more than my share.

But you know what they say, "Nobody cries for the King."

(Angus & Julia Stone: Crash And Burn)

♪ Won't you take me? ♪
♪ Be my love next door? ♪
♪ When you run out ♪
♪ I could run some more ♪
♪ Won't you throw down ♪
♪ This heart of mine? ♪


♪ And I'll roll out ♪
♪ My stretch of time ♪
♪ Oh, my stretch of time... ♪

Robert: It's only training camp. I'll be gone for a few months.

It's not like we're breaking up.

Yeah, well, you can't break up with someone that you've never officially dated.

Come on. You've always known the reality of our situation.

I've never hidden anything from you.

No. You've only hidden me.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

It's just frustrating.

We can't even take a picture together because you're afraid it might get out.

Do you think that's what I want?

I-I don't know.

What do you want?

Sorry to interrupt. We need to go.

Do you mind taking a picture of us, Sparrow?

Yeah, sure.

Come on.


(Doorbell rings)

♪ Look so pretty ♪
♪ When you brush your hair ♪
♪ Won't you be so ♪

Are you okay?

♪ Kind to take me there? ♪

What happened?

I just found out King Simon was my father.

My father was King Simon.

My dad is my dad... officially.

Holy sh1t.

Well said.

I know I should be excited but, between you and me, I'm... kind of freaking out right now.

Well, you're gonna be King of England. You're allowed to freak out.

I guess... things are gonna change for you now.


Everything... is going to change for us.

"My breathtaking Princess. I'm watching you sleep, but not in a creepy way. Well, not entirely creepy."


There was a time when that would have worried me.


You looking happy.

You know, there's a time where you wouldn't have noticed.


I hope you know my apology earlier was for you as well.

I put you through a lot last year, what with the DNA fiasco and... that whole Jasper thing.

I've decided to pretend that that never happened.

Maybe you could do the same.

That is incredibly gracious of you.

I know what it's like to get my father back.

You should know what it's like to get your children back.

I love you.

I love you.

Now, then, Liam is going to be dealing with a lot very soon.

He's gonna need his sister more than ever.

I'm not going anywhere.

Good. I have such a sense of optimism.

Everything is exactly as it should be.