We can't all be like you, Kath.
Some of us screw things up.
Oh, Kathy! Have you seen Mike?
I never knew what true happiness was till we got married.
Then it was too late.
It's a mess. Given a chance, I'd spends the rest of me life with her.
I love Dave.
Did anything happen?
It was just s*x.
He rejected me.
Because he loves you.
I want to talk about where we go from here.
Where are you?
Still at work.
Ali, it's the FSA review.
If I don't stay late, it won't get done.
Who else is there?
Just me and the coffee machine.
I'll be leaving in five. I'll be home in 30.
I love you.
I love you, too.
I know you're in there!
I've got a weapon here, but I don't want to use it.
Come... come out nice and slowly.
Don't hit me!
What are you doing?
You'd better come in.
Are you sleeping in here?!
Is there any point denying it?
Me and Saskia - I can't be in that house any longer.
How long you been doing this?
Couple of weeks.
It's only a stopgap till I find somewhere proper.
Please tell me that that's not a...
Shall I show you my Jacuzzi and steam room?
I clean it every morning. It won't affect you selling it.
You need to get out of here.
You can't do this.
Have you not got a mate who's got a spare room or something?
They're all married, aren't they? Nippers.
Except me mate Nobby, but he kind of blames me for his wife walking out, so...
Long story, but the edited highlights are a four-day bender, a pair of Welsh twins and a dose of genital herpes.
Get your gear. You can stay at mine tonight.
At yours?! Are you sure?
Your missus ain't going to be too happy about that.
She'll be fine. I'll call her on the way home.
This is amazing!
I've always said you're a good bloke - whenever the others call you a dickhead, I always say, "No, he's a star, that man."
Do you want the bed or not?
Ali, this is Rick.
Are you sure this is OK?
I mean, I don't want to be in your way, or nothing.
Oh, don't be silly - we can't have you sleeping in a van.
Just for a few days, till I get a new place sorted.
Seriously, don't worry. This is Luke.
If you don't stand in front of the Wii, he won't notice you're here.
Table tennis? I'm the master, mate.
We'll have to have a game.
I'll beat you, easy.
Don't think so.
Money on it?
Yeah, if you like. Like father, like son.
Come on, I'll show you the granny flat.
It's not a granny flat!
He just calls it that.
I'm making chilli, if you're hungry. Ten minutes.
Here you are.
Well, how come you call it a granny flat?
Cos it had a granny in it. Al's mum used to stay with us.
Oh, right. Is she dead now?
No. She moved to live in St Ann's.
As good as, then.
I had a granny once.
Well, not a wrinkly one - she were only 46.
But she had kids young, and she was HOT.
But I remember thinking after, "That's it, I'm a granny-shagger."
It didn't sit easy, mate! It did not sit easy.
You remember Ruby, don't you?
Not really. Last time I saw her she were about five.
Did Mum explain to you? This is Rick.
He's going to be staying with us for a few days.
He's one of the grease monkeys from work.
He's having a few, er, family problems.
I'm going to put him in Gran's old room, OK?
Why the vinyl?
I'm a DJ.
Although you can't be any good... or you wouldn't fix cars for a living.
I wouldn't mind, but it's my house.
You know? My dad left it to me when he croaked.
I told her, I said, "I want to sell it, split the money," but she refuses.
I put it on the market - the first people that came round, she opened the door to 'em in her bra and knickers.
Pretended to have special needs!
How long have you been like this?
In separate rooms?
Separate rooms, separate lives, man.
She wouldn't even make me a brew.
That's crazy, Rick.
I get up the other night, 2am wee, head to the bathroom, as I go in, some guy comes out, stark bollock naked...
Sorry, mate. Sorry.
.. scared the life out of me.
And he looks me in the eye, and he says, "Who are you?"
"Who are you?"! So, I'm stood there trying to avoid looking at his tackle explaining that, legally speaking, I'm the husband of the woman he's in bed with.
You could say that's when I realised something had to change, yeah?
Maybe we should keep this quiet from the others.
Don't want them thinking I'm some sort of charity case.
My lips are sealed.
Say that again?
I'm living with the boss.
No, the other boss(!)
Yeah, Mike. Spare room, sweet as.
How did this come about?
He offered - I need to get out my place, so he said I could live with him for a few weeks.
I wouldn't let you in my house. Not with your reputation.
Oh, yeah, like I'm going to try and bang the boss's wife?
What do you think I am, insane?
(He sings to himself)
Three hours 14 minutes. New world record.
Don't take up comedy.
I told my mum I got a job in a bowling alley.
She said, "Ten pin?"
I said, "No. Permanent."
Then I phoned the gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
They said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
Hey, Rick, I was thinking, maybe we could grab a pint on the way home.
Yeah, brilliant. Where at?
Perfect. I'm buying.
Watch that lady.
I should've never got married.
You know, I can't... I can't commit to anything.
Every time I go out, I'm sniffing around, eyeing skirt.
Marking women out of ten in me head.
Alison's a seven, by the way.
Nice arse, good bod for her age.
Does she work out?
I hate predictability. I hate... I HATE domesticity.
Sas used to moan about the curtains not being closed properly at bedtime.
Every night there'd be some comment about it.
Every single night.
I mean, the curtains! The curtains! Who gives a sh1t?
So, you let a millimetre of light through in the morning - let it go!
You know, they say this stuff'll kill you - the booze, the fags, the bacon sarnies.
Shall I tell you what kills people?
It's poison, man.
Well, you don't have to tell me.
You and Ali?
Yeah, you know, we've had our problems.
Wow. I thought you two were solid.
Not that I'd really know.
Tough on the kids, you know?
They're at that age now where they can see it.
Was anyone else involved?
Nah, nothing like that.
Cheeky chaser for the road?
I'm on the decks tonight if you fancy a late one.
Clubbing, at my age?!
You're a long time dead.
(Dance music plays)
What are you doing up?
I'm a light sleeper. Heard you banging about.
Do me a favour, don't tell your dad.
If I get about four hours' sleep, I can make it through the day.
Your secret's safe with me.
Fancy a spliff?
If we get caught, we're dead.
SHE CHUCKLES We won't get caught.
You've never seen Captain Pugwash?!
You're making these up!
Oh, my God, this is criminal, man, it really is.
The kids of today.
I'll YouTube 'em tomorrow.
I'm clearly missing some integral part of my cultural education.
Do the Hair Bear Bunch, while you're at it.
(He mimics bass)
And you've no other thought in your mind - it's just you and the crowd, and if they're smiling, if they're dancing, you know you're doing your job.
And the right tunes, the right vibe, and you can see it in front of you.
You're... You're creating pleasure.
It's amazing. I love it.
Greatest song ever written?
Impossible. Too many to choose from.
If you had to.
Why would I have to?
Gun to your head?!
What, someone's put a gun to my head and asked me for the best song ever written?
That's an unlikely scenario, Ruby.
There's too many moods.
There's too many different types of music.
You know, sometimes you want Motown, sometimes you want northern soul, sometimes you might fancy a bit of ska.
What makes you happiest?
No, I can't tell you that.
It's a secret. It's a song I play to cheer myself up.
I will take it to my grave. Never.
Music: Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran People are boring. They live dull lives.
They follow the rules, do what they're told. Why?
You know, we'll all be dead in 50 years.
Well, you might not!
Nothing matters, really.
All this crap we kill ourselves over - how much of it really matters?
I'm an artist.
Not fine art or painting or drawing - although I can do that.
I love photography.
I think what you can do with them is so powerful.
Can I show you one?
That I made?
Have you ever watched yourself sleep?
It's the most amazing thing in the world.
We're so... innocent.
It's the only time we let down all our defences.
We're beautiful when we're asleep.
We should probably go to bed.
Late one, was it?
Not especially, no.
Got to dash.
I'll see you at work. Don't be late!
See you there, boss.
Ziggy, it's a fairy tale.
How many times did you read it as a kid?
I don't know!
It's in your subconscious, but what's it telling you?
Mate, it's a fairy tale.
Those dwarves adored her, did everything for her, worshipped the ground she walked on - but when push comes to shove, what does she do?
Runs off with a tall, handsome prince.
It's a fairy tale!
Yeah, the Rosewood suite, please.
It's two adults.
And it's a special occasion, so I'd like some champagne in the room, with a note...
Excuse me, sorry.
Is Mike free?
Well, could I talk to him?
"To the best husband a woman could ever hope for.
I've been thinking about what we were talking about last night.
You and Alison, do you know what you guys need? A night out.
A bit of food, get pissed. How often do you two go out together?
Rarely would be exaggerating.
So go out.
I'll be at the gaff, ready-made baby-sitter.
It's good of you, Rick, but...
Do you want your marriage breaking up? If you don't ring her, I will.
I'm not often this selfless.
Who are ya? Who are ya? Three strikes, count them.
I thought you were supposed to be good?
See you later.
Are you going out?
Yes, my friend Bella's.
Right, your mum didn't say.
Didn't tell her.
She'll be seeing Jake.
Boys together. Fancy a beer?
You all right? A good night?
Awesome, yeah. Whoo!
You got any more of those?
Are you old enough?
You shouldn't listen to Luke, he talks a lot of crap.
Have you got a boyfriend?
What's it to you? Jake's a friend.
We got off together a couple of times. Are you jealous?
You don't lack confidence, do you, Ruby?
No. I don't.
sh1t! The car.
It's next door.
What about Luke?
What about him?
He's eight, you could drill a hole in the wall and he wouldn't wake up.
I don't want to... you know, not the whole way.
How was the restaurant?
Yes, good. What did you get up to?
Not much, just watched a bit of telly.
Right, I'm out of here. Can't be late, the boss is a tyrant.
I'll walk out with you.
You can't tell anyone about this.
Do I look stupid?
No mates, no Facebook.
I know. Can I text you?
Stick your number in that and I will send you a message.
But don't save me as Rick, make up another name.
How about Hot Lips?
What are you going to save me as?
Minnie The Minx.
She was in the Beano.
It was a comic.
Music: Do You Really Like It? by DJ Pied Piper
♪ Do you really like it? ♪
♪ Do you really like it? ♪
♪ We're lovin' it Lovin' it, lovin' it ♪
♪ We're lovin' it like this... ♪
Oh, get laid last night, did you?
This is the joy of the single man, mate, a feeling you'll never experience again.
♪ Is it, is it wicked? ♪
♪ We're lovin' it Lovin' it, lovin' it... ♪
♪ Hard core, you know the score ♪
♪ I rhyme so good I deserve an award... ♪
Why can't I get in?
I'm not sure, Rick.
Oh, yeah, that's it, I changed the locks!
Out the way.
You don't live here any more.
Saskia, out of the way.
I'll call the police.
On what grounds? This is my house.
This is our house, it's our house and you moved out.
All my stuff is still here.
I'll bag it up for you, send it to your new place.
Where's that? Where's that?
How am I supposed to get somewhere new?
How can I afford that without selling this place?
That's not my problem.
I'm not moving and you're not coming back, so tough.
Expect a letter from my solicitor.
Yeah, I'm living with Mike from work, the boss, and he has got a shit-hot solicitor so if you want to play hardball, we'll play hardball.
And I'm taking Bacardi.
You are not! Put the cat down, Rick.
Put the bleedin' cat down!
Can we keep him?
Why did you call him Bacardi?
Because I drank half a bottle before I bought him.
I'm going to go online tonight and I will find some flats to let.
That's all right, there's no rush, mate.
No, you offered a couple of days and I've outstayed that.
You can use my computer.
You can't chuck him out, he hasn't got anywhere else to go.
No-one is chucking him out.
Look, this is your family home.
I need to get myself sorted.
Why can't he just stay here?
Ruby, it's fine.
What do you care? He's not in anyone's way.
Hey. Sorry about Alison, mate.
Don't take it personally, things are just a little bit tricky at the moment.
Get a beer later?
Great, love to.
Have a good day.
I'll pick you up after work, about six, yeah?
Yeah, see you later.
Aren't you forgetting something?
Love you, too.
Hi, boys. Anyone seen my dad?
Have you tried the office?
I suppose that is the obvious place.
Eyes off, that's Mike's kid.
In a toilet? At my dad's work? Are you out of your mind?
I'll never see you if you move out.
Course you will.
I wish they were going out again tonight, they never go out.
We should go somewhere together.
This weekend, spend some time on our own.
Yeah, that'll be easy!
What's up? Don't you want to?
Course I want to.
Emergency choccy. It's actually medicinal. Low blood sugar.
Right, and of course, you're a fat b*st*rd.
It's my metabolism.
Yeah, course, Jase.
We'll lie. Both say we are going somewhere else.
Which way is the beach?
Erm, I'm only guessing, but you see over there?
Where there's sand dunes?
No-one knows us here.
They are realistic, aren't they?
He modelled them on himself.
What are all these things about, then?
Probably just wanted to give him another worldly quality.
He's got two on his bum, as well. You can get an ointment for that.
I think they are really beautiful.
The way the wind and rain has weathered them.
The way they started out looking one way but, over time, subtly change.
Slowly turn into something different.
Isn't that what happens to all of us through our life?
But it is so slow we can't ever see it happening.
When and where were you happiest?
You're so smooth!
Come on, really.
I don't know. Erm, cliche, cliche. Probably as a kid.
You know, package holidays with my parents.
We'd mostly go to the same place, the Sunset Beach Club. Why not?
We loved it.
There were three pools, two bars and a different turn on every night.
My favourite was this Spanish guy, Jose Enrique.
He'd sing all these kind of cheesy crowd-pleasers, but the audience lapped it up.
At the end of the night, he would always, as an encore, he'd play this certain song.
Nah, it's the one I told you about, the one no-one knows about.
Your happy song.
I promise I won't tell anyone It'll be our little secret.
My parents used to dance. It was the only time they ever did.
The whole room would sing, with smiles on their faces.
I was a kid, there was no responsibilities, not a single thing to worry about.
He sings along: ♪ Guantanamera... ♪
♪ Guantanamera... ♪
I've texted all my friends. Told them all about it.
Updated my Facebook status, uploaded a few photos...
Scared... of my feelings for you.
Because this isn't real.
We have to go home and when we're back there, none of this is real.
What we feel is.
Ruby, you're 15 years old.
But what's that got to do with anything?
You're my boss's daughter. I'm staying in your house.
If he ever found out...
But what if he does?
We can't be together.
And... you realised this after we've had s*x?
It's not like that.
Was that your plan all along?
What, to have what you want and then just toss me aside?
Ruby, it's not like that.
I think about you all the time.
I haven't felt like this about anybody. Not even my wife.
But how's it going to work?
What, sneaking around behind your parents' back? We'll get caught.
Ruby, I could go to prison.
Only we know what we've done.
It can't happen, you have to see that.
But it is happening.
It's too late.
Don't get upset.
I'm trying to be sensible for once in my life, I'm trying to do the right thing. No, seriously, I am.
Because what we did upstairs...
You mean the s*x.
It was a mistake.
It was wrong.
I loved it.
I loved being there with you.
It was my first time.
Listen to me...
Listen to what I'm saying.
I'm falling for you.
But that is not an option. That can't go anywhere.
Be truthful, how can it go anywhere?
Leave me alone.
Ruby, I don't want to upset you.
I don't want to make you cry, Ruby.
Please, can we just talk about this?
This was supposed to be fun.
I'm crapping myself. I've...
I've let things go too far so I'm putting on the brakes.
That doesn't mean we can't see each other and it doesn't mean we still can't hang out.
Leave me alone.
Leave me alone!
Ruby, wait. Ruby.
Get away from me!
You can't just run off.
How will you get home?
Train. I'm not a bleeding child.
Get off me.
I just want to talk.
Get off me or I'll scream.
You won't scream.
I'll scream, I swear.
Please, come back inside.
(She screams) Help! Help!
She's fine, we're friends.
Hey, leave her alone!
Keep your bleeding nose out!
I'm calling the police!
Ruby, please, ring me back.
I need to know you're OK.
This is crazy, I can't leave here without you.
Ruby. I'm sorry, OK?
(Mobile phone beeps)
Alison: 'Mike, where are you? I'm at the hospital. Ruby's been hurt.'
Where is she?
She's with the doctor.
She was drunk, she fell off a kerb, a car glanced her.
She broke her arm. She's lucky it isn't a lot worse.
Where were you?
I was at work...
You didn't answer your phone. I tried seven times.
I was at work.
I want to see her.
Why were you drinking?
Who were you with?
What do you think?
Well, where was he when you had your accident, then?
I've no idea.
Were you drinking with him or were you drinking after he left you?
Ruby, this is serious. You could've been killed.
I was texting, I wasn't looking where I was going.
I fell in the road. End of.
sh1t, what happened?
Ruby, what happened?
Never have kids.
You out tonight?
You are now.
Pissed during the day, then falls in front of a car. Jesus.
One step away, that, from my worst nightmare.
What was she thinking? Wh-What she was doing?
Do you know where she'd been?
With some nut-head.
That pillock Jake, most probably.
Is he no good?
Yeah, he's a wide boy, gives it all of that.
I just hope she's had the sense not to go too far, I really do.
You know, that's the problem with having a daughter.
You become too perceptive, you can't help it.
The idea of your little girl being touched by some spotty oik.
Fancy a game of pool?
What I really fancy is getting hammered.
Do you want to get smashed to bits?
Does the Pope sh1t in the woods?
Let's do it.
Here you go, my friend. Keep the change. Thank you very much.
What are you doing?
All right, don't know about you, but I could do with a drink.
Can I tell you something?
Yeah, as long as it doesn't involve bestiality, yeah.
I was with someone today.
When Ruby had her accident, Ali called me but she couldn't get me because I wasn't where I was meant to be.
What, an affair?
This can't go any further, Rick.
Someone from work.
From work? What...?
Take a guess.
Kathy? Piss off.
Good work, mate. She is definitely an eight-and-a-half.
She's a ten.
More than a fling, this. It's... It's serious.
What, and Ali doesn't know?
She suspects but I told her it was nothing, I told her it was just a bit of flirtation and she was all too ready to believe it.
Sake of the kids, sake of the marriage, sake of whatever it is she thinks is good about our lives.
So what are you going to do? Leave home? What about Ruby and Luke?
Now, that's the hard part, leaving them two, that's why I've never done it before...
I love 'em so much.
In truth, I haven't really been happy in years.
Probably not since before Luke was born.
I always thought we'd just have one kid, that'd be it.
And then Ali got pregnant again, yeah, I thought she'd trapped me.
I thought she'd done it on purpose.
She probably had.
I resented him at first.
How awful's that?
I love my kids. I'd kill for 'em.
That's why I could never leave 'em.
Ali's dad owns half the business so... on a practical level, it'd be a bleeding nightmare.
You know how it is when things go sour.
Arguing, time spent apart.
There are some times I genuinely think it might've been better for the kids if I'd just called it quits.
It's no wonder Ruby's the way she is.
How is she?
You know how you see in the posters?
She wants to live her life like a black-and-white movie.
Thinks she's all grown up...
Still a child.
Still needs looking after.
And I know that she's lying to me about that accident.
Something more to that than meets the eye.
I'll get to the bottom of it.
I'm going for a slash.
Hey. So you won't know this, not having kids, but here's a dirty little secret all parents have.
We all snoop on our kids.
Now, if she doesn't tell me then I'll find out for myself.
What? Why not?
Come on, that's... That's wrong, mate.
I've got to stop you there.
I'm her father.
Mike, that's like reading her diary.
Would you want someone going through your phone?
If some dickhead, her words not mine, is getting her pissed and she's falling in front of cars then I've got every right to know what's going on.
You can't do it.
What if she finds out?
What, are you going to tell her?
Well, then she's not, is she?
What, do you know her pass code?
She lives on this thing, she puts it in 500 times a day.
Mike, seriously, that's an invasion.
She's my kid, Rick. You think I like doing this?
I need to protect her, that's all.
Is that why you're leaving home? Walking out on them?
That's why I stayed.
Why don't we have another drink?
Think I might have a bit of weed somewhere.
If you're not careful, you're going to spoil the party.
I'm just going to look at a couple of texts, that's all, I swear to God, then I'll put it back.
You are making a big mistake.
What if she walked in right now?
What the hell?
All sorts of texts.
Yeah, looks like he's pissed her off and he's regretting it.
Begging her to call him back.
There you go, maybe it's nothing.
Photos from earlier in the day. What's this?
Where... where's that beach?
Jesus Christ, no.
What is it?
She's had s*x with him.
How do you know?
Bed. It says, "A memory."
She might not have. All right?
You may be jumping to conclusions, mate.
I want to kill him.
She's going to carry that for the rest of her life.
Put this back, go to bed.
Things'll look better in the morning.
You can't tell her, you know.
You cannot tell her you looked in that phone. She will hate you.
(Ruby, you can't say anything to your parents.
(Your dad knows something isn't right.
(If he finds out, we're both done for.)
What are you still doing here?
It's you, isn't it?
I know it's you, so don't even bother lying.
And let me tell you this, bitch, you can't have him.
You won't have him.
Just because your husband couldn't stand you any more, you're not having mine.
So stay... away.
Jez, mate. Can I stay at yours tonight? Kip down on the sofa?
Thought you were cosy at Mike's?
Been there too long.
Sort yourself a flat, you knobhead.
Deposit, first month's rent. I'm potless.
What are you going to do?
Bed down on people's couches for the rest of your life?
Once I sell my house, I'll be sorted. What do you say?
I don't know. I'll have to speak to Emma...
What, she'll cut your balls off or something?
You're married, she's not your mother.
You can stay at mine. One week.
Marriage, must need our heads tested.
(Dance music plays)
(Laughter from tv)
Oh, hi, Ruby.
What happened to your arm?
Fell over. Drunk.
Oh, er, your dad's not here, I'm afraid. But he shouldn't be too long.
You're welcome to wait.
I'm not here for him.
Rick, would it kill you to do the washing up? Yeah?
There's a pile of it.
I don't cook as much as you, so I'd appreciate it if you did the washing up, all right?
And while I'm at it, can we talk about your cat?
There's cat hair everywhere.
I told you I was allergic, showed you where the Hoover is...
Just keep it in your room.
Are you OK?
I've been better.
Thanks for the texts.
Look, I'm confused.
I've been thinking about the things you said, the feelings you have for me.
Surely, if it's true, then it's worth the risk?
Of course it is. I'll be 16 in two months, so that problem will be over.
As for my dad...
I'm trying to do the right thing.
People are dull, Rick.
They follow the rules.
We'll all be dead in 50 years. Now, who said that?
He won't find out.
Well, the way I've been acting the past few days, he's more likely to find out if we're not together.
I know you've been watching my installation.
The hits have gone up.
I know you can't stop thinking about me.
And I'm the same.
Just say yes.
Now you're not in the house, it'll be easier.
One little word.
How was the accountant?
His usual miserable self.
Stick the kettle on, will you, Kath?
You just missed Ruby. She popped by.
I asked if she wanted to wait and she said no.
Really? How did she seem?
Actually, not great.
And what I couldn't fathom is what she said to me.
It's quite strange.
Strange? Strange like what?
Well, she said she wasn't here to see you.
In the bath. Why?
(He breathes deeply)
You're keen, calling me already.
(He breathes deeply)
Mike? What the hell is going on?
Where are you going?
About time! See later.
What the hell...?!
Don't argue with me, just let me get my stuff.
I'm calling the police!
Do what you like!
What is going on?! And where's the cat? Did you get my messages?
I want the cat back! I want the bloody cat back!
What the hell have you gone and done?
Where is he?
I don't know.
He said he'd gone flat-hunting.
Where is he?!
I don't know!
I don't know where he's gone, mate!
'999 Emergency. What service do you require?'
I'm taking the car. Keep the bike.
As for the house, it's yours. You'll never see me again.
Where are you going?
No idea, but if anyone comes looking, I want you to have no idea.
This is it, it's over.
The cat is at Ziggy's house - 24 Lexingham Avenue.
Have a nice life.
And if you get married again, don't go on about the curtains so much.
(He breathes deeply)
♪ Guantanamera ♪
♪ Guajira Guantanamera ♪
♪ Guantanamera ♪
♪ Guajira Guantanamera ♪
♪ Yo soy un hombre sincero... ♪
♪ De donde crece la palma ♪
♪ Yo soy un hombre sincero ♪
♪ De donde crece la palma... ♪
Don't put too much store on those phone calls.
For a professional gang to make it like this, they need to know certain information.
Get off me!