01x08 - Rixty Minutes

Cynthia...

Oh, my God! No, no...

I told you!

Hold on...

Will you please...

Not marry me? I choose Veronica.

What?

Yes!

Called it.

Why would he choose Veronica?

Because he loves her.

Well... if it's any consolation, Summer, none of it mattered, and the entire show is stupid.

Okay, I've got an idea, Rick.

You show us your concept of "good TV", and we'll crap all over that.

I thought you'd never ask.

Hey!

Oh, cool! Is that crystallized Zanthonite?

It conducts electrons across dimensions.

Twenty percent accurate, as usual, Morty.

The important thing being I just upgraded our cable package with programming from every conceivable reality.

Wait, does that mean we get Showtime Extreme?

How about Showtime Extreme in a world where man evolved from corn.

We're not so different. We're both corn of action.

Yeah. But one of us is... dead corn!

Boring.

Summer, you just spent three months, watching a man choose a fake wife.

So what? It'd be better if the people were corn?

Jerry, you don't get it. This is infinite TV, from infinite universes. Look.

This sh1t is delicious.

A movie about a guy eating sh1t.

A violent Antiques Show...

It's a pleasure to have you.

The pleasure's all mine.

Letterman from a time line where Jerry's famous...

Wait!

What in the hell?

I agree. Where is this going?

No, the other thing! Go back!

Really? All right, fine.

Glenn, this is a court order. It says you can't eat sh1t anymore.

All right, Jerry, when you're right, you're right. Now I'm hooked.

Rick and Morty S01E08 "Rixty Minutes"

Coming up next on "Shmloo's the Shmloss", Shmlony has a nightmare.

Shmlantha, Schmlona!

Amazing. A dimension where all proper nouns begin with "Schmla".

Schmlove, Schmlandula, Schmlonathan...

All right, that got... that actually got old pretty quick.

Rick, would you please go back to me on David Letterman?

Infinity's a big number, Jerry. I don't remember the channel.

Go back, go back!

Jeez...

You speak da tru-tru.

Oh my God! Dad's in Cloud Atlas!

I'm in Cloud Atlas! What's Cloud Atlas?

Sometimes small tru-tru different than da big tru-tru.

How is this possible?

Infinite time lines, infinite possibilities.

Including a time line where Jerry's a movie star.

Look, you guys are getting excited about the wrong aspect of this device.

Wa... Look at this.

And now, another Quick Mystery.

I just want to know who could've done something like this. It's a travesty!

I did. See this knife and all the blood on it? Here's my fingerprints.

Guilty! I sentence you to life in prison.

Here's another Quick Mystery.

My mother's dead!

And I killed her. Here's the weapon.

And cuff me, thank you very much.

Guilty! Sentenced to murder.

Here's another.

I'm the killer!

Wow, that one was really quick, wasn't it?

Now who wants to watch random, crazy TV shows from different dimensions... and then who wants to narcissistically obsess about their alternate self?

I want to obsess about myself.

The narcisstic stuff.

Here. These scan your retinas, and let you view parallel time lines through genetically matching versions of your eyes.

Go fetch!

Yes! This is so cool!

Ladies First!

I'm proud of you, Morty.

Hey man, I don't give a crap about myself, Rick.

Let's watch some crazy stuff, yo!

I'm Ants-In-My-Eyes Johnson, Here at Ants-in-My-Eyes Johnson's Electronics.

I mean, there's so many ants in my eyes!

And there's so many TVs, microwaves, radios...

I think, I can't... I'm not 100% sure what we have here in stock, because I can't see anything.

Our prices I hope aren't too low!

Check out this refrigerator! Only $200!

What about this microwave? Only $100! That's fair!

I'm Ants-in-My-Eyes Johnson!

Everything's black, I can't see a thing!

And also I can't feel anything either, did I mention that?

But that's not as catchy as having ants in your eyes.

So that always goes, you know, off by the wayside.

I can't feel. It's a very rare disease.

All my... All my nerves, they don't allow for the sensation of touch.

So I never know what's going on. Am I standing? Sitting? I don't know.

Are we sure we want to do this? Look at our own alternate lives?

You're right. Maybe we should just play Yahtzee. Give me those!

What do you see?

Whiteness. Pure whiteness.

You're my best friend, Jerry Smith. I love doing cocaine with you.

Whoa... I love doing cocaine with you too, Johnny Depp!

Haven't we spent enough time on you?

I'm performing surgery... but not on a horse, on a human!

That's great, Beth! You always wanted to be a real surgeon.

I am a real surgeon.

Ahh... uh... Summer's turn!

Finally!

I don't see anything.

Well, you should select a different timeline, I mean, if your father and I achieved our dreams, there's a chance you weren't even born.

That came out wrong. That came out very wrong.

Fine, I'll find a world where you bothered to have me.

We're playing Yahtzee.

Yahtzee's fun. We love Yahtzee.

It's a fun game for fun families!

Hey, could I get those goggles back for a second?

It's a 45 horsepower with anti-lock brakes, and it's the official car of Mr. Sneezy 3D.

It's the brand-new... Sneezy XL.

The horn when you honk it makes a sneeze noise.

It's polite, it's right, and it's Sneezy...

Deezy... Mc... Deluxe.

Oh, I'm Mr. Sneezy! Achoo!

Huh, seems like TV from other dimensions has a somewhat looser feel to it.

Yeah, it's got an almost improvisational tone.

It's in theaters now! Coming this summer: Two brothers. In a van. And then a meteor hit.

And they ran as fast as they could... from giant cat monsters.

And then a giant tornado came... and that's when things got knocked into 12th gear.

A Mexican armada shows up.

With weapons made from to- ... tomatoes.

And you better bet your bottom dollar... that these two brothers know how to handle business.

In: Alien Invasion Tomato Monster Mexican Armada Brothers, Who Are Just Regular Brothers, Running In a van from an Asteroid... and All Sorts of Things... THE MOVIE!

Hold on, there's more!

Old women are coming, and they're also in the movie, and they're gonna come, and cross... attack... these two brothers.

But let's get back to the brothers, because they're... they have a strong bond.

You don't want to know about it here, but I'll tell you one thing: The moon... it comes crashing into Earth. And what do you do then?

It's two brothers and... and th-they're... It's called...

Two brothers... Two brothers! It's just called Two Brothers.

Holy crap, I am winning a Nobel Prize.

Come on! Time's up!

I'm taming a lion!

No, wait, uh... there are film cameras. I might be a lion-tamer in a movie.

You get the idea. I work with lions.

Ooh, we're not playing Yahtzee, we're playing Chutes and Ladders.

It seems like when I exist, life gets a little more, I don't know... predictable?

When two people create a life together, they set aside their previous lives as individuals.

Gimme a break! We're not heroes for having unprotected s*x on prom night.

Oh, I get it. Now that you know you could have had it better, you resent me for holding you back.

Now that we know you think the tables are turning, we know you thought there were unturned tables!

What are you talking about?

All this time, you've been thinking, "What if that loser Jerry hadn't talked me out of the abortion?"

Well now you know, you'd be a doctor.

Whoop-dee-doo.

You'd also be drinking wine, alone in a house full of exotic birds.

And I'd be on DiCaprio's yacht, banging Kristen Stewart!

You thought about getting an abortion?

Everyone thinks about it.

Obviously, I'm the version of me that didn't do it.

So... you're welcome.

Yeah, you're welcome.

Yeah, thank you guys so much. It's a real treat to be raised by parents that force themselves to be together instead of being happy.

Hey, do we have any wafer cookies?

Oh, boy. Looks like you guys have been checking out alternate lives and realizing you don't have it as good, huh? That's too bad.

You know, me and Morty are having a blast, We just discovered a show called "Ball Fondlers".

I mean, I don't want to rub it in or anything, but you guys clearly backed the wrong conceptual horse.

I'm in heaven right now.

This might be the best day of my life.

So now what do we do?

That show "Ball Fondlers" sounded kind of interesting.

Dad!

What?

They're having fun in there! What do you guys want from me?

Every family on this block has to wonder if they're together by choice.

Our family just has inter-dimensional goggles to show us for a fact that we're not.

We'll I'm leaving!

You can't leave, you're 17!

Yeah, and I'm not pregnant.

I'm gonna have better judgment than you guys had at my age.

I'm gonna... move to the southwest and...

I don't know, do something with turquoise.

It's Saturday Night Live!

Starring... a piece of toast! Two guys, with handle-bar mustaches!

A man painted silver who makes robot noises!

Gar Manarnar!


Three... uh... uh, uh, uh, I'll get back to that one...

A hole in the wall, where the men can see it all... and returning, for his 25th consecutive year: Bobby Moynihan!

Interesting fun fact, uh, Moynihan and piece of toast hate each other.

Apparently they've got some real creative differences.

Hey, are you tired of real doors, cluttering up your house, where you open 'em, and they actually go somewhere?

And you go in another room?

Get on down to "Real Fake Doors"!

That's us. Fill a whole room up with 'em.

See? Watch, check this out! Won't open. Won't open.

Not this one, not this one. None of 'em open!

FakeDoors.com is our website, so check it out for a lot of really great deals on fake doooooooors!

Hey, wait a minute, Rick. I thought this was a commercial.

What's going on? I mean...

Relax, Morty.

Don't worry about it... Let's just... just see where this goes.

Step on it, we all got places to be!

Son of a bitch!

See, that must be where he lives... OK.

Huh. Making himself a sandwich now...

Hey everybody! So this is my house, I just made a sandwich, peanut butter and jelly, still here, still selling fake doors!

What?

Oh, my God! It's still the commercial!

We have fake doors... like you wouldn't believe!

What are you worried about? Come get fake doors.

Call us up, and order some fake doors today.

Don't even hesitate, Don't even worry and don't even...

All right, I'm bored. Change it.

Wait wait, Rick! Hold on.

Even give it a second thought. That's our slogan.

See it on the bottom of the screen, below our name.

Here's another slogan, right below that one.

What are you worried about? Come get fake doors Get in here quick, get out quicker, with an arm of fake doors in you arms.

Okay, okay, you can change it.

Don't even worry about it...

I hate Mumunmunundsdays.

And I really could go for some enchiladas.

Hey Rick, that's pretty cool!

It's just like Garfield, only instead, it's Gazorpazorpfield.

Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where uh... where those s*x robots came from, remember?

That whole thing?

Yeah... hey, that's pretty, pretty... that's true.

That's right!

Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield!

Hey Jon, it's me, Gazorpazorpfield.

Boy. [BLEEP] you, Jon. You [BLEEP] dumb, stupid, idiot.

Come on, Gazorpazorpfield, go easy on me, huh?

You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white... uh, uh... guilt, white guilt, milquetoast piece of human garbage.

Jeez, Gazorpazorpfield, thats, you know... you're pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake.

I don't give a [BLEEP]! I'm Gazorpazorp-[BLEEP]-field, bitch!

Now give me my [BLEEP] enchiladas!

Hey, Rick, you know, did they use Bill Murray for this?

Sounds a lot like Bill Murray.

No, Morty, it's Lorenzo Music. In this reality, he's still alive.

Oh, okay, was his name Lorenzo Music?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

He also did that voice of that one guy from Ghostbusters.

Which is really strange, because it's the same character Bill Murray played in the movie.

But then, when they made the movie...

Bill Murray did the voice of Gazorpazorp... or Garfield, I mean.

Yeah, that's pretty cool, Rick. So all that happened in this reality too?

I don't know. Just making conversation with you, Morty.

What do you think? I-I-I-I know everything about everything?

Did you really talk me out of the abortion?

Well, we... we blew a tire on the way to the clinic.

I think, in my head, I was doing it all for the kids.

And now the first kid is going to do something with turquoise.

What is either code for crystal meth, or a gateway to it.

So we didn't do the kids any favors.

So, we should stay together for each other and ourselves, or...

Or?

Man. Woman. And now trunk men?

We know science has created men that have a trunk that allows them to have s*x with both male and female partners.

But we don't like the idea of these people getting married.

Put a line in the sand everybody--, people!

Vote no on proposition XW2.

The act that says that gay... uh... trunk people can get married. Who needs it?

Not on my watch!

Paid for by Michael Dennys and The Denny Singers.

Hi, I'm a trunk person. And I want...

I-I feel love in my heart, too, just like you.

I want to be able to express that love, with both a man and a woman.

And I won't be able to...

If Denny and The Denny Singers get their way.

Hey, let the trunk people have s*x and get married, huh?

Paid for by... Trunk People.

Oh, I love me Strawberry Smiggles!

Ooh, I hope nobody ever gets my hands on me, and tries to steal my Strawberry Smiggles.

I'm going to eat every last one of them, because... and then they'll be in my stomach, and nobody will ever be able to eat them.

Except for me, because they're going to be all inside my stomach.

I'm... my name is Mister... Top Hat Jones, and God forbid anyone ever take my sniggy, little pig-dul... smiggles.

I'm keeping 'em all for me.

Last bite.

Oh, now they are all resting comfortably in my stomach.

Ooh, am I feeling good.

No! Get away from me!

Get away from me and my Strawberry Smiggles! No!

Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ!

It hurts! My entrails are out!

Why would you even want to eat these?

They're soaked with my stomach acid!

Oh, Jesus Christ! Lord and savior and spirit!

Save me! Take me to the light!

Oh, my God, I see Demons! I see demons are coming!

Jeez, Rick. Oh my god!

That's some pretty hardcore stuff, you know, for a cereal commercial.

Well, you know, Morty, I mean, you want to sell boxes of cereal, you gotta, you gotta, pump the gas a little.

Pedal to the metal, Morty.

In a world, where muscular mannies, are coming, and they're coming strong, there's only three... unmuscular... Michaels.

Get down! Hurry, run!

And that's when real turbulent juice is coming, and you gotta take care of it.

With turbulent juice, Turmulent tables.

No room is safe from the turbulent power of turbulent juice.

What in the hell?

s*x sells, Morty.

s*x sells what? Was that a movie, or like, does it clean stuff?

Hey, Dad. W-w-what's going on?

Oh, your mother and I are going to be spending some time apart, Morty.

And your sister found out she was an unwanted pregnancy.

W-w-w-what?

Speaking of "w-w-what", Morty... W-w-what should we watch next?

What about this?

Baby Legs, you're a good detective... but not good enough, because of your baby legs.

So I'm partnering you up with Regular Legs.

Hey there.

Detective, I'm... this is upsetting to me, because I feel like I don't need no regular-leg partner.

Baby Legs, don't talk back to me.

Good luck you two, there's a criminal to kill.

Wow, you sure found this guy quick!

Uh, yeah, because I'm a good detective.

Look, Baby Legs, it's the criminal!

[BLEEP], I'm the killer. I'm running, running real quick...

Baby Legs, here we go!

That's the sound I make, when I'm trying to run fast.

All right, I'm not going to get him.

I'm, I-I just learned a real valuable lesson.

I'm coming, Baby Legs! I'm... Regular Legs!

We got him!

Hey, that was good team work.

Baby Legs, and Regular Legs, I'm proud of you two for working together, and Baby Legs, I know it was hard for you to come to the conclusion that you need a partner.

But I'm proud of you that you did it.

Hey thanks, chief!

Now get the [BLEEP] out of here!

Pretty cool, huh, Morty? Oh.

Uh, I thought it was cool.

I don't give a [BLEEP] what you think, Jerry.

Hey, uh... Y-Y-Y-You doin' okay?

I-I-I kind of know how you feel, Summer.

No, you don't. You're the little brother.

You're not the cause of your parents' misery.

You're just a symptom of it.

Can I show you something?

Morty, no offense, but a drawing of me you made when you were 8 isn't gonna make make me feel like less of an accident.

That, out there? That's my grave.

Wait, what?

On one of our adventures, Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world.

So we bailed on that reality, and we came to this one.

Because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed.

And in this one, we were dead.

So we came here, a-a-and we buried ourselves, and we took their place.

And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast, 20 yards away from my own rotting corpse.

So, you're not my brother?

I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says, "Don't run".

Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere... everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV.

Mrs. Sullivan always planned to leave everything to her cats.

But sometimes, plans need a helping paw.

What are the kitties to do, but buckle together and work as a team.

Mrs. Sullivan, I, uh... please forgive me for being forward.

But your eyes are so beautiful!

Wait, this is an actual movie?

This fall... sparks will fly!

Mrs... Oh... Sullivan...

Between one guy, who can't get a break...

There's something about you, Mrs. Sullivan.

...and 9 cats who break all the rules.

Last Will and Testa-meow: Weekend at Dead Cat Lady's House 2.

Well, somebody in Hollywood just lost their job.

Written and directed by Jerry Smith.

I wrote and directed that? What am I, nuts?

Hey Morty, you just missed a preview for your Dad's "Citizen Kane".

Doesn't matter.

Hey, if your, uh, mother and I had to split custody... who would you guys choose?

Doesn't matter.

Breaking News: Academy Award-winning actor Jerry Smith is leading police on a slow-speed pursuit after suffering an apparent breakdown.

Don't even think about it.

Come on, Jer-

Are you kidding me, Jerry?

It's just a bunch of dumb tabloid crap.

It's my life, and we're watching it.

You did it, Beth. You really nailed it.

You're a surgeon. A human surgeon.

Yay... you win.

Where the hell am I going?

What are you asking me for Jerry?

I'm sitting here trying to figure out why the cops don't just take you out.

They got a clear shot to your head.

I can't believe our tax dollars pay for this.

Jerry? Jerry Smith?

Beth Sanchez, I have been in love with you since high school.

I hate acting, I hate cocaine, I hate Kristen Stewart.

I wish you hadn't gotten that abortion, and I never stopped thinking about what might've been.

Hey, Ball Fondlers? Huh? Ball Fondlers?

Yeah, I could go for some Ball Fondlers.

Yeah, Ball Fondlers.

Ha-ha, Hamster-in-Butt-World Weather is done, and now it's sports time, coming up.

Oh, hello there!

Good day to you, Miss.

So the hamsters live inside the rectums of those people?

Yeah, sweetie, that's where they live.

Well, how does that work?

I mean, do the butts look like little apartments inside?

Yeah! And can they like, leave the butt, and walk around on their own?

Look, I don't know! I'm watching the same thing you guys are.

Grandpa Rick, if they leave the butt, and the person wanders off...

How would they find their butt person again?

I don't know, Summer! I can't even hear the TV!

All right, that's it. We're just gonna go there, so you idiots can ask your stupid questions all day.

Ooh! Family vacation!