02x03 - Auto Erotic Assimilation

All: ♪ love ♪
♪ connection ♪
♪ experience ♪

Yeah, Morty.

♪ come together ♪
♪ with love, connection, and experience ♪

It's my favorite song.

( laughing ) Oh, yeah.

( alarm beeps ) Oh, yeah, distress beacon!

( belches ) yeah, baby!

You're excited about that?

The first rule of space travel, kids, is always check out distress beacons.

9 out of 10 times, it's a ship full of dead aliens and a bunch of free sh1t!

Both: Whoa! 1 out of 10 times, it's a deadly trap, but I'm ready to roll those dice.

♪ ♪

Seems like something terrible happened here.

Yep. Cha-ching.

Oh, yeah, if you find a room full of eggs, don't shy away from it.

Give one of them a shake.

Those facehuggers are worth more than this ship.

Uh, what's that? This'll make the cops write it up as a looting by the korblocks.

That's horrible. I hear you, man. Cops are racist.

Oh, hey. You're alive. Thank god.

Can you help us?

Our planet was taken over by some kind of...entity.

It absorbed the minds of our people.

We didn't notice until it was too late.

The people it takes over, they they look like your friends, your family, your leaders, but they're not themselves anymore.

They're part of...it.

Then how do you know it didn't get on the ship with you?

Those two dingdongs seem pretty calm about the whole thing.

( both screech )

Hey, no! No, wait! Stop!

( screaming )

Called it.

( gurgles )

( ray gun beeps )

All: Hello, Rick.

Long time no see.

Unity?

Rick? Grandpa?

Oh, boy. Uh...

These are my grandkids, summer and Morty.

Summer, Morty, this is, uh, Unity.

We sort of used to, uh...date.

♪ ♪

( dog panting )

( engine hums in distance )

Quite an operation you got going here, Une.

You're a whole planet now, huh?

After we broke up, I spent some time wandering through space.

Then I found this world... where I was better able to focus on my passion for unification.

You mean stealing people's bodies? Summer, rude.

Why don't you two kids go run off and play with Unity while Unity and I do some catching up.

Ugh. No, wait, Rick, aren't these people gonna barf into our mouths and absorb us?

You're guests here on my planet.

You're free to be yourselves.

I've never been any good at disappointing Rick.

Well, now I'm going to barf.

Come on, Morty.

Jerry, what are you what are you doing in here?

I'm trying to find our weed whacker, 'cause our weeds are wack, yo.

But you can't go in the garage when Rick's not here. I "can't"?

Well, he doesn't like it.

What's he gonna do?

Crash rent-free at his other family's house?

What is that supposed to mean?

Your dad gets to walk all over us because of your abandonment issues.

He's playing you, shorty.

Oh, stop affecting that stupid hip-hop dialect.

Stop shifting the cross hairs to my ironic urban patois just because your relationship with your father is to' up from the flo' up.

( screeching )

What the hell was that?

I don't know. Let's just leave.

( gurgling )

That is a hatch.

Your father put a hatch in my garage.

You don't know it was him.

Anyway, we're not supposed to be in here.

Obviously, neither is whatever's gurgling down there.

( screech, gurgle )

"World peace achieved." nice.

Little weird to publish a paper about it for yourself, but hey.

So, what's next?

After I become a type-one civilization, this world will be invited into the galactic federation.

Oh, goody.

From there, I'll have access to countless planets and species.

One by one, I will unify them, I will become the universe, and I will be what the single-minded once called a god.

( belches ) I like that.

Oh, that's pretty sexy.

Hey, listen, where can we get a drink around here?

Recreational substances were phased out here.

There's no need for escape from the self when your world is one.

Unity, Unity, who am I talking to?

I watched you assimilate a whole police station just to get your hands on the evidence locker.

Rick, when we met, I was a young hive mind with the population of a small town.

People change... ( engine turns over ) .. Especially when I change them.

I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've grown.

Hey, listen, I've grown, too.

I have!

See, I've I've reconnected with my family, right?

Hm. Why's that, I wonder?

Maybe it's part of getting old.

Maybe I just missed being with a collective.

( moaning )

All: Yes, Rick. Yes.

Oh, yeah. Yes. Yes.

Wait, wait. Stop. Hold it.

Not like this.

We need a hang glider and a crotchless uncle sam costume, and I want the entire fld of your largest stadium covered end to end with naked redheads, and I want the stands packed with every man that remotely resembles my father.

( triumphant music plays )

Man, look at them go. So coordinated.

( gulps ) what's your problem?

They're making you into a mount rushmore.

They made burgers!

Morty, open your eyes.

There is no "they."

These poor people's bodies are being used.

They're a planet of puppets.

I can hear you. Ugh.

Well, it seems like everybody here's cool with it.

Except for all those redheads.

They seem like they're in a hurry to be somewhere else.

Balloon, summer?

Balloon, Morty?

No, we don't want your dumb balloons, okay?

We're bored. Take us back to Rick.

Now's not a good time.

Oh, yeah!

I want yooooooou!

All: ( chanting ) go, son, go!

Go, son, go! Go, son, go!

Oh, real nice. Real nice.

How does a man do this without me noticing?

Oh, you know my dad once he puts his mind to something.

You're spinning this to his credit?

( screeching, gurgling )

I'm going down there.

Jerry Beth, this is my house, which makes this my garage, my secret hatch, my hidden subterranean lair, and my faceless gargler.

Now, are you gonna keep hating this playa or are you gonna jack my steez?

Okay, you're just making stuff up now.

( applause ) ugh. Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Ugh! ( glug! Glug! Glug! )

Oh, Rick. That was so bad.

What's this "was" stuff?

I just need to hydrate, then we're doing that again.

( space ships whir )

Oh, damn. Listen, if this is an invasion, I got to sit this one out, but I'll be back to have s*x with the survivors.

It's a neighboring hive-mind species, beta seven.

Our planets maintain a practical alliance for exchange of vital resources, so be nice.

Unity, is it a bad time?

Are all present life forms assimilated?

Beta seven, this is my single-minded friend from earth, Rick.

Rick sanchez.

Unity has spoken of you.

All bad, I hope. Ha ha!

All: Bleeeeeeeeeh!

Oh, jesus christ.

Beta seven, if my allies are a problem for you, perhaps our alliance is, as well.

Our alliance is beneficial.

When beta seven expresses concern, it it's only be-because oh, snap! Powdered neutronium?

Amphetetron?

You know I can make with this stuff?

Oh, Rick, I i shouldn't.

Come on. It's not every day that I'm town.

It's it's for old time's sake.

Uh...okay, what the hell.

We can purify the resin and make fractal dust.

Oh, I was thinking velocitinis, but aw, old man Rick can't party with a whole planet?

( both laugh )

I can do whatever you do and more, baby.

( all groaning )

You know, I think [belches] beta seven over there is hoping your alliance can be more than practical.

( laughing ) stop.

( laughter )

Well, this explains the $6,000 electric bill.

Whoa!

( screeches )

Well, nice. Real nice.

Alien prisoners under the house.

Real nice.

Nice. Reeeeeeeeeeeeeal god damn it, stop.

Wake up, people! You have to fight it!

You're under the spell of an evil monster!

I can hear you. Yeah, so you keep saying.

( grunts )

Summer! Wake up!

You have to have some individuality left in there!

Why do you hate me, summer?

I'm not talking you.

I'm talking to... Steven phillips.

Steven, set yourself free.

Summer, before I took over this planet, this man was a registered s*x offender.

Yeah? Well, so what? At least he was himself.

This woman was a drug addict on the verge of suicide.

Now she's a marine biologist.

Listen, Unity, I don't think my sister's trying to say that life would be perfect without you.

I think she's just saying that life would be, you know, life.

I have transformed life here into a paradise.

Prostitutes are now scientists.

The homeless are now "phisosophers."

Oh. Oh. "ph-phisosophers"? Nice.

Philopol... Phiphophopher... Oh, my god.

Where did you learn to talk, you grandpa-stealing slut?

I'm feeling...

( retches )

Ugh.

Oh, man, let me help all of you guys up.

All: I'm fine.

( dance music plays )

( sniffs ) Do you know what I love about you, Rick? You're the only single mind I've met that really sees the big picture.

You got that right.

But, baby, listen y-you're talking about taking over planets and galaxies.

You got to got to just remember to let go sometimes, you know?

I can let go. Hey, look.

You see that town across the river?

Watch this.

Whoa! Ha ha! Whoo!

Whoa! That's not what I meant!

( laughing ) It's okay. It's okay.

I evacuated. I evacuated the town. Look.

All: Hey! We're right here. We're fine.

( laughs )

Oh, that was awesome. ( chuckles )

My my grandkids weren't in that town, right?

A-are my grandkids alive?

M-my drink is empty.

( all retching )

( groans )


♪ ♪

Unity, what's happening?

Who's Unity?

You kids have nice feet. Mind if I take a picture?

Gross. No.

( cellphone camera clicks )

Morty: I think you're getting what you wanted, summer.

Something's happening to Unity.

Do all of you remember who you are?

Yeah, uh, my name is Ron Benson.

I'm an electrical engineer, father of two, and, as you can see from my flat, concentric nipple rings, I'm a member of this planet's top race!

( cheers ) okay, that's good.

Uh, don't focus too much on the last part, but I'm daryl jefferson. I'm a landscaper.

And I'll be damned if that ripple-nipple bitch's race is superior!

The cone-nipple people will rule this world!

You shut your mouth, you dirty knife-nipple bastards.

What'd you say to me, you target-chest piece of [bleep]

Race war!

Ugh!

( grunting )

Why are you fighting?!

Can't you see you're all the same?

Oh, summer. ( laughs )

First race war, huh?

( all shouting, screaming )

Way to go, summer. You started a race war.

I didn't start it! They're the racists.

I I merely empowered them to follow their apparently misguided dreams.

Okay, thanks for clarifying.

I'll have a super-accurate headstone now.

Hey, wait what race are you guys?

We're neither. S-see?

Yeah, take my word for it.

We just have regular nipples.

Hey, these two freaks have no race!

♪ ♪

( all shouting indistinctly )

Oh, there's no place like home.

There's no place like home.

Remember, summer?

From dorothy and the tiny people movie? Yes, yes.

All the tiny people. Dorothy, take us away.

♪ ♪

Hello, summer. Hello, Morty.

It's okay. You're safe now.

Unity?

Yes. Oh, Unity, I am so sorry.

I didn't know freedom meant people doing stuff that sucks.

I was thinking more of a choose your own cellphone-carrier thing.

Oh, summer, you did nothing wrong.

I'm having fun with your grandpa.

Lost a little control.

Probably shouldn't be piloting a hovercopter, nor should I be running 200,000 pediatric hospitals and 12 million deep fryers, but hey, it's not like this planet can take its business elsewhere.

Um, should we maybe stop somewhere and get you a coffee?

Maybe splash a little water on your face, or...

No, no, if I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

( screeches, gurgles )

Oh, man. I cannot wait I cannot wait to hear Rick explain his way around this.

He is gone.

Jerry, stop, please, okay?

We weren't even supposed to be down here.

If we confront him about this oh, my god! I love this.

I love that this is how far you will go for him.

You want to go upstairs and cut carrots and watch a lifetime original above a [bleep] alien dungeon!

Your relationship with your father is psychotic.

Oh, listen to you relish the idea that my genius father is a bad person.

Step out of your ego for a second and look at this thing it's a monster.

He might have it chained up so that it doesn't eat the planet!

Right, because your father's such an altruist?

I once saw him brfly forget the word for "humans."

He's probably harvesting this creature's organs.

He's probably racing to cure its space aids.

He's going to eat it! He's protecting it!

( shrills )

Shut up! Shut up!

( humming ) Whoa!

Unity, this place is a mess.

Oh, it's cool.

The part of me that's the cleaning lady is coming on friday.

( gasps ) Oh, my god. I have a meeting at the galactic federation in an hour.

Oh, I'll never make it.

Ah, I'll push it to next week.

Unity, could you get Rick out here, please?

He's unavailable. He's...

Having s*x with you. We get it. Gross.

Get him out here now.

I don't think he wants to be grandpa Rick! Rick! Rick!

I'm gonna tell mom and dad about the gagoo you have locked up under the garage!

( belches ) What the hell is your problem?

Grandpa, we need to go home, now.

Fine. Sheesh.

( glass shatters )

( beeps )

See you.

Uh, Rick, I think we should allgo.

Tend to your garden, kids. I'm kind of doing a thing here.

( laughs ) Whoo!

Grandpa Rick, we're not leaving without you.

Oh, my god, you guys. I get it.

You're afraid the big, bad hive mind is gonna steal your grandpa away.

Actually, no. I think Unity's great and you're a horrible influence on it.

What? This isn't healthy, Rick.

You know, you're you're really up to no good around here a-at this place, you know?

You and Unity are like like leggings and mid-calf boots.

You think you're great together, but you're just bringing out the worst in each other.

Oh, gee. Boy, summer. Well put.

Uh, why don't we see what Unity thinks?

Unity?

I'm just taking a little break from stuff.

You know? I need to relax.

Oh, hey, w-what's this on the news, guys?

L-l-let me turn it up.

In the news today, this looks a lot worse than it is.

We're really just having a good time.

Karen? Thanks, todd.

Up next, are you a concerned grandchild or just a buzzkill?

We'll tell you how you can know for sure.

I think you two are a little outnumbered.

Okay, well, what if you did it for me?

What if you came with us as a favor to us because you love us?

What? Dumb. Bye.

But Rick, summer's just summer's just a hyper-emotional, needy little what's the word I'm looking for here?

Uh...human.

It runs in the family.

I can tolerate it, but I can't give a crap about it.

Take a hike.

Take care of yourself, Unity.

I'm not looking for judgment, just a yes or no can you assimilate a giraffe?

You're the worst! No, you're the worst! You don't support this family!

All you care about is yourself!

You think supporting the family is about supporting you emotionally...

You've got two children...

.. But you're unsupportable.

.. Being dragged across the cosmos...

.. Because it's never enough, Jerry!

.. By your dangerously ill father!

And you force me to watch it happen because you'd rather lose them and lose me...

And you don't even know what it's like to be afraid of losing anything ...than lose him!

Because you cling and you cling. And why? Because you're the child, Beth!

You, not me! You! ( screeches )

Aah! Aah!

Oh, my god. Aah!

( both sigh )

( both gasp )

Um, first of all, hello.

Uh, my name is blim blam the korblok.

Second of all, cards on the table, I'm a murderer that eats babies, and I came to this planet to eat babies.

However, I am also carrying a highly infectious disease that I suppose you could call "space aids" as you put it.

And Rick did chain me up so that he could attempt to cure it.

At the same time, Rick's motivation to cure my disease was not to save my life or anyone else's, but to patent and sell the cure for billions of blemflarcks.

But you know the reason why I ripped my chains out of the wall?

And do you know why I'm never coming back to this planet?

Because the two of you are the [bleep] worst!

You both hate yourselves and each other.

And the idea that it has anything to do with Rick is laughable.

I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable.

That's how alien I am.

And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "what the [bleep]" so good luck with your shitty marriage, and tell Rick I'm sorry he has to deal with either of you.

Blim blam out.

( gurgles )

You know what? I'm taking this.

How do you what is this?

Uh, is there a slow setting?

Best door ever.

Rick: ( belches, sighs, coughs )

Okay, okay. Now make them cry, but happy crying.

Now make them all make fun of the blonde one.

Now make them all do it on the table.

I can't believe you created a whole show for me.

Now cancel it.

Okay, now put it back on.

( laughs )

All right, I'm bored.

Rick, is there a way for you to call summer and Morty?

I feel bad that they pbht. Screw those guys.

Ugh. I'll be right back.

Don't waste your brain on those weirdos, Unity.

They're no different from any of the aimless chumps that you occupy.

They just put you at the center of their lives because you're powerful.

And then because they put you there, they want you to be less powerful.

Never gonna happen though, right?

All: Never.

Never. Back in a flash.

( door whooshes )

( toilet flushes )

Best weekend ever, Rick.

I agree, Rick. Let's see how long we can go.

Hey, une. You got any more female president: Rick, forgive me for doing this in notes.

I'm not strong enough to do it in persons.

Delivery guy: I realize now that I'm attracted to you for the same reason I can't be with you.

You can't change.

Beggar: And I have no problem with that, but it clearly means I have a problem with myself.

Newspaper vendor: I'm sure there's no perfect version of me.

I'm sure I'll just unify species after species and never really be complete.

Female president: But I know how it goes with us.

I lose who I am and become part of you.

Because in a strange way, you're better at what I do without even trying.

Yours, and nobody else's, Unity.

P.S., I don't know where those coal miners were before they were assimilated.

You might want to get checked.

Man: ( belches ) ( laughter )

( door opens, closes )

Hey.

Dad.

( clears throat ) I, um Jerry and I were looking for our weed whacker and found your subterranean lair and your alien prisoner, and he got away.

And I know I sound like mom, but I can't sacrifice this whole family's safety just because I'm afraid you'll leave again, so no more alien prisoners and no more subterranean excavation without consulting us.

Okay. Okay?

"Okay" like you're gonna quietly teleport somewhere and never come back? No. It's your house.

Grandpa Rick, what happened with Unity?

Who? Oh, Unity. Yeah, well... I mean, honestly, we're talking about an entity that thrives on enslavement, you know?

It's not cool. Fun's fun, but who needs it?

I'll be in the garage.

( chaos chaos's "do you feel it?" plays )

♪ lay it, lay it down ♪
♪ let me see your hand ♪
♪ show me what you got ♪
♪ you're always talking ♪
♪ but you're not playing ♪
♪ it doesn't match your face ♪
♪ get them away, away from this place ♪
♪ can you take me now? ♪
♪ i, I want it ♪
♪ I want it real ♪
♪ are you afraid of me now? ♪

( machine whirring )

♪ are you afraid of me now? ♪
♪ do you feel it? ♪
♪ do you feel it? ♪
♪ do you feel that I can see your soul? ♪
♪ do you feel it? ♪
♪ do you feel it? ♪
♪ do you feel the pain in your heart? ♪
♪ i, I want it ♪
♪ I want it real ♪
♪ run away with me now ♪
♪ i, I want it ♪
♪ I want it real ♪
♪ run away with me now ♪
♪ ah, ah ♪
♪ ♪
♪ don't leave me ♪
♪ never leave me out ♪
♪ don't leave me ♪
♪ never leave me out ♪

Rick: Unity! Unity! Unity!

How can I assist you?

I want to talk to [belches] Unity, beta seven.

I know it's in there.

You're classified as a hostile entity, and Unity doesn't want to talk to you.

I know your game, beta seven.

I've met a billion of you, you little on-deck, in-the-wings shoulder to cry on!

You are classified as a hostile entity.

Oh, you're just loving this, mother this isn't gonna shake out like you think, pal.

Unity's not into other hive minds.

It's gonna suck you in and use you up, and a month from now, I'm gonna be making out with all of you in a bunch of red wigs!

Unity! Unity!

Unity, I know you can hear me. Get out here.

Weapons systems engaged.

Oh, in your dreams you have weapon systems.

Ugh, Rick, you said we were going to a movie.

We are, Morty.

All right, beta sh1t seven, you just got saved by the bell, bitch!

( screaming )

Man: Did you get any of that?

Man: It's-a good show-a.