01x01 - Welcome to Camp Kikiwaka

[bunniefuu]

(Theme music playing)

(Campers clamoring)

(Panting)

(Sighing)

Emma: Excuse me, sir. Can you have these delivered to my room?

Gladys: Geez! You don't shave your legs for one month, and suddenly you're a "sir."

Emma: I haven't even looked at your legs yet. Ravi Ross, a pleasure.

Ravi: You must be Ms. Gladys, the proprietor. Thank you for letting Mrs. Kipling come to camp. (Mrs. Kipling groaning) I assure you, the odds of her eating any campers are very remote.

Zuri: I would still hide the bite-size kids.

(Mrs. Kipling groaning)

Gladys: Aren't there supposed to be four of you?

Zuri: Our brother, Luke, got stuck in summer school. Probably because he can't spell either of those words.

Gladys: Check cleared, don't care. Sign in with my niece. (Campers cheering) Hazel, these are the Rosses. I met your parents right here when we were 16. Your dad was a stone-cold fox.

(Growling)

Zuri: Could've gone my whole life without hearing that.

Hazel: My aunt's always talking about your mom. (Chuckles) She hates her.

Gladys: With every bone in my body, including my artificial hip. I loved your father, but your mom stole him from me. Plus the title of "Best Counselor," and any chance I ever had at having a happy life!

Emma: No offense, but you guys are the worst welcoming committee ever. Note to self, start digging escape tunnel tonight.

Gladys: By the way, phones aren't allowed at camp. Hand it over.

Emma: (Scoffing) No! Back off, mister!

---

[ INT. Woodchuck Cabin ]

Emma: Oh!

Tiffany: (Shushing) I'm studying for the national spelling bee! If I don't win, my mom won't let me come home. My brother lost last year, and I haven't seen him in 10 months.

Lou: Welcome! I'm Lou, camp counselor and head Woodchuck in charge!

(Chitters)

(Emma grunting)

(Bones cracking)

Emma: I'm Emma. I'd hug you back, but you just separated my shoulder.

(Bones cracking)

Lou: Oops! My bad. We'll make you a sling in arts and crafts. So, you're my new counselor in training? Let the training begin. (Yelling) Sit! JK! (Laughing)

Emma: (Sighs)

Lou: No, seriously. Sit, or you're goin' in the crate! JK again! I'm all about the JKs! LOL! (Nervous giggle)

Emma: OMG!

Lou: So, how many years of camp experience do you have?

Emma: None.

Lou: But you like kids, right?

Emma: Not really. They're sticky.

Lou: So why do you want to be a camp counselor?

Emma: Oh, I don't. But my mom thought it would be good for me. I guess she was some sort of super counselor, so now she expects me to live up to that.

Lou: Good luck! Christina Ross is a legend around here. They say she could assemble a s'more in two seconds flat, and her dreamcatchers actually caught dreams!

Gladys: She caught mine!

Emma: And mine! I should be in Milan for Fashion Week, but instead I'm stuck here picking bugs out of my teeth!

Lou: (Snaps fingers) Nature's popcorn. Speaking of fashion, I hate to brag, but I'm a cover girl.

Emma: Really?

Lou: Yep! Four-H Digest. The big fall flea and tick issue.

Zuri: If we run fast enough, we might be able to catch the limo.

---

[ INT. Grizzly's Cabin ]

Ravi: Greetings, bunk mate!

Xander: Hey! Uh... Whoa! (Mrs. Kipling groaning) Uh, I think that alligator thingy ate your pet.

Ravi: That alligator thingy is my pet.

Xander: Oh, that explains the cage. I just thought we were getting a really creepy kid.

(Mrs. Kipling groaning)

Ravi: Ravi Gupta Balasubramanium Ross, your new CIT eagerly reporting for duty, sir!

Xander: I'm Xander.

Ravi: Oh. So what are the cabin rules?

Xander: I'm not really big on rules. Except always wear shower shoes. I once got fungus so bad, I lost a toenail. But it's cool, 'cause now I use it as a guitar pick.

Ravi: You know those cost, like, five cents, right?

Jorge: Hey, dudes! I'm Jorge. Mind if I take this bunk?

Ravi: Actually, that is my...

Jorge: Dude, trust me. You want me to sleep downwind! Especially on burrito night. I once had a 23-minute fart!

Ravi: That seems medically impossible.

Xander: Although handy if we go hot-air ballooning.

Jorge: That's why the aliens abducted me. I'm special.

Ravi: Well, parts of you clearly are. So let me guess. The aliens probed you?

Jorge: Of course not! They just invited me for brunch. You're weird.

---

[ EXT. ]

(Xander playing guitar)

(All applauding)

Hazel: Xander, that was awesome! Can I have your pick?

Xander: Sure.

(Retches)

Lou: Then during free time tomorrow, we can dive for mud dabs, and connect your mosquito bites to see what shape they make! Look, mine make Abe Lincoln!

Emma: (Gasping) Whoa! That supes cute guy is here and you led with mud dabs?

(Halting scratch)

Lou: Where did that wind come from?

Xander: Whoa! I think I'm in love.

Hazel: Finally! Let's get married after the tetherball tournament!

Xander: Hi, I'm Xander.

Emma: I'm Emma. I'm nauseous.

Lou: Ooh! Looks like Cupid just sh*t an arrow.

Hazel: I hope it goes in her eye and out her ear.

Lou: Little Woodchuck wisdom, don't go to the archery range with her.

(Blowing whistle)

Gladys: Campers, welcome to Camp Kikiwaka! Except for you, Timmy. Your parents' check bounced. You can sleep by the front gate. Hopefully, they'll pick you up in the morning. (Tribal drums playing) Ki-ki-wa-ka!

All: Ki-ki-wa-ka! Ki-ki-wa-ka! Ki-ki-wa-ka!

Ravi: Okay, this is a cult. Taxi!

Gladys: We pay homage to Kikiwaka, the giant, ravenous demon beast who roams these woods!

Zuri: Say what now?

Gladys: Ki-ki-wa-ka! Hear me and leave these campers in peace!

Emma: Did she just say "in pieces"?

Gladys: With the blessing of Kikiwaka, our summer revels commence! Remember to pick up your trash.

Zuri: Tiffany, aren't you scared of the Kikiwaka? Nope. Nothing's scarier than my mom if I don't get an A.

Hazel: Listen, cheekbones, Xander is mine.

No, I'm not.

So you should go back to New York before one of those long legs ends up in a bear trap. See you at the friendship circle.

(Sighs)

Lou: She's not really good with new people. Or old people. Or any people.

Gladys over PA: Attention, campers! Time for the obstacle course. The winning cabin gets to have a pizza party, while I just continue the obstacle course that is my life.

(Arrow released)

(Gasps)

Emma: Is archery part of the obstacle course?

Lou: Nope.

(Whistling)

Jorge: Ravi, what are you doing?

Ravi: Obviously, as your counselor-in-training, I am demonstrating what not to do.

Jorge: Dude, you're embarrassing Grizzly Cabin! And men in general!

Xander: I think Ravi's doing great, considering he could barely pick up his egg for the egg race.

Ravi: It was a jumbo! What do they feed those chickens?

Zuri: Whoo-hoo! That was fun.

TIffany: Fun? Forget fun! Focus! Thanks to your pathetic performance on this bouncy house, our cabin is behind!

Zuri: Tiffany, it's just a game. Who cares?

Tiffany: I care! Because if we don't win "best cabin," then I can't win "best camper," and if I don't win "best camper," I won't get into Harvard, which means I won't get into Harvard Medical School, which means I'll never become a top doctor, which will k*ll my mother! Do you want to k*ll my mother?

Zuri: No, but I do want to talk to her about her parenting skills.

Hazel: So Woodchuck Cabin is losing, Your campers are turning on each other... (Gasps) Great leadership, Emma!

Lou: She is a good leader! Just ask our campers.

Tiffany: Which one's Emma again?

(Laughs mockingly)

Hazel: You should just go home now. As a CIT, you're DOA.

Lou: She is not! She has legendary counselor Christina Ross' blood running through her veins!

Emma: And I'd like to keep it there, so let's not get the girl with access to arrows angry. Ah! Look, I'm doing it!

Lou: That's my bunk buddy, people!

Hazel: Hey, Emma, catch!

(Screams)

(All laughing)

Let's see how Xander likes Little Miss Perfect now.

Xander: Emma! (Panting) Emma, are you okay?

Emma: Well, I'm better than those worms I just fell on. Oh!

Lou: A pretty girl covered in mud, and you thought he wasn't going to like that? What's next? You hand her a tray of hot wings and have her turn on football?

---

[ INT. Woodchuck Cabin ]

(Sharp violin playing)

Emma: I can't believe there's still mud in my ears.

Zuri: Lucky you. At least you don't have to listen to Tiffany's violin. Give it a rest!

Tiffany: Stop screaming at Violet! She's very high-strung!

Emma: Today was a disaster. Instead of being a super counselor like Mom, I'm the lamest CIT ever.

Lou: You are not! You're much better than my last CIT, Tammy. She took the kids to pet the hibernating bears.

Emma: Bears don't hibernate in the summer.

Lou: Exactly! It was a lot of paperwork.

Emma: Okay... But I was humiliated in front of the whole camp. Plus, Hazel's never going to let Xander near me.

Lou: At least not while you're still breathing. Sorry, that sounded much more supportive in my head.

(Gasps)

Emma: Yay! Xander sent me a text on paper!

Lou: Think that's called a note.

Emma: He wants me to sneak out tonight and meet him at The Spot!

Lou: Whoo-wee! The Spot is the place in the woods where the kids go to... You know.

Zuri: Get electrocuted?

Tiffany: You can't sneak out! That could give our cabin demerits!

Lou: So?

Tiffany: So, that goes on my permanent record!

Zuri: (Groans) It's camp! The only permanent records they keep are how many kids get diarrhea from the lousy food! (Stomach rumbling loudly) Uh-oh! I think it's about to be one more.

---

[ EXT. The Spot ]

Emma: Would you please go back to the cabin?

Zuri: Not happening! I don't know what's more toxic, Tiffany's attitude, or what I left in that toilet!

(Exclaims)

Emma: Are you okay?

Zuri: What made this giant footprint?

Emma: Uh, a giant foot, duh.

(Snarling)

(Shrieks)

I'm really hoping that's your stomach.

Zuri: Nope.

(Snarling)

Emma: Do you think it's the Kikiwaka?

Zuri: I don't know. Why don't you stay here and ask it?

(Both groaning)

(Grunts)

Jorge: Yes! I win!

Ravi: No, you do not. You moved the table.

Jorge: Hey, all's fair in love and pool.

Ravi: That is not a saying.

Jorge: It is on planet Zorb. Dude, why are you such a buzzkill?

Ravi: I am not a k*ller of the buzz! As your counselor-in-training, it is my duty to teach you to follow the rules!

Xander: Bro, you just defined "buzzkill."

Hazel: Hey, Xander. I made you hot wings. Want a bite?

Xander: I don't think she's talking about the wings.

Lou: Come on! Come on!

Tiffany: Lou, I don't have time to play foosball! I need to finish my college applications!

Lou: That's seven years from now!

Tiffany: I'm applying really early admission.

Lou: Xander? You're supposed to be with Emma. Why are you here?

Hazel: Because he'd rather be with me.

Xander: I never said that! Did anybody hear me say that?

Lou: Emma went to The Spot because you sent her that note telling her to meet you there.

Xander: I didn't send her any note.

Lou: Uh-oh. This Woodchuck... (Chitters) (Sniffs) .. Smells a rat.

Ravi: Oh, that is Jorge. He refuses to shower.

Lou: Gee, who would want to send Emma out into the woods? I'm looking at you, Hazel. Right where your soul should be!

Violet: Emma's not alone. She's with Zuri. That's right, Violet. That mean little girl is gone.

Hazel: Why don't you all leave, so Xander and I can play a little nine ball? Rack 'em!

Xander: No! There will be no racking! We have to go find Emma and Zuri!

Hazel: (Sighs) Oh, okay. Let's use the buddy system. I pick Xander!

---

[ EXT. The Spot ]

All: Emma! Zuri!

Jorge: Uh-oh. I see something really scary!

Tiffany: Is it my mom?

Jorge: No. It's a giant footprint.

(Rustling in bushes)

Xander: Shh!

(Growling)

(All screaming)

(Both screaming)

Lou: (Exhales) Wow, you are lighter than a chicken, and their bones are hollow!

(Louder growling)

(All screaming)

Xander: Ow! Emma!

Emma: Xander!

Hazel: (Flatly) Yay, we found her.

Ravi: I still cannot believe you sent my sisters off into the woods to become Kikiwaka kebabs.

Zuri: You sent Emma that note?

Emma: (Scoffs) So, first you sh**t an arrow at me, then you knock me into the mud, and then you send me off into the woods to die? (Scoffs) I'm starting to think you don't like me.

(Growling)

Xander:It's coming! Get up the tree!

(All shouting)

All: Ahh!

Hazel: (In a sing-song voice) Xander and Hazel sittin' in a tree.

Lou: G-A-G-G-I-N-G.

Tiffany: No one told me there was gonna be a spelling bee!

(Growling)

(All screaming)

Jorge: (Speaking Spanish) Don't take me now god! I am so close to puberty!

Tiffany: (Speaking mandarin) I should have told my mom to back off!

Ravi: (Speaking Hindi) We are doomed!

Emma: Ugh, Ravi, we are not doomed!

Xander: You understood him?

Emma: Ravi panics a lot, so I've picked up a little Hindi.

(Growling)

(All screaming)

Emma: Okay, look, everyone needs to calm down. I'm going to get us out of this!

Hazel: Why should we listen to you, you boyfriend snatcher?

Emma: Because everything you've put me through has taught me I'm tougher than I thought. Now, let's scare this thing off!

Lou: Good idea! Hazel, go down and ask it for a date.

Hazel: Xandy, are you going to let them talk about me like that?

Xander: Yes. I would high five them if I weren't so afraid to let go of this branch.

Emma: Okay, we know animals are scared of bright lights...

Ravi: Oh! We all have flashlights!

(Ravi gasps)

Emma: Oh!

Ravi: You all have flashlights!

Emma: We also know they hate loud, annoying noises.

Zuri: Like Tiffany's violin! Sorry.

Lou: And sometimes offensive odors will drive animals off!

All: Jorge's farts!

Jorge: I'm on it!

Emma: Okay, all in favor of attacking this thing, instead of just sitting here waiting to be eaten, say "Aye!"

All: Aye!

(All screaming)

Tiffany: (Violin screeching)

Jorge: (Loud, extended fart)

(Creature yowling)

(All coughing)[/i]

Jorge: Is it gone?

Lou: (Gagging) After that fart, there's nothing alive within 100 miles.

Ravi: I cannot focus my eyes!

Tiffany: That was superior screeching, Zuri Ross.

Zuri: Thanks, Tiff. And your violin never sounded better.

Xander: Emma, your plan worked!

Lou: Way to be a leader, Woodchuck. I think your mom would be really proud of you.

Emma: Thank you, Lou.

Lou: Don't you agree, Hazel?

Hazel: Maybe. But don't get cocky. Remember, I'm the head counselor here, so what I say goes. Follow me!

Lou: Camp's the other way.

Hazel: I knew that!

Gladys: Geez, you try to have a little fun by terrorizing some campers, and you get a pinecone to the head. (Grunts) I hate kids!

---

[ EXT. Camp Kikiwaka ]

Emma: Okay, I think I've got it. (Chittering rhythmically)

Lou: Perfect! (Chittering rhythmically) Aww! My little Woodchuck's all grown up!

Emma: You know, my mom was right. I think this is going to be a pretty good summer.

Lou: Wait till I teach you how to give a porcupine a French braid. Hurts like heck, but they look so darn adorable!

Gladys: Attention, campers! I have been informed that there was a Kikiwaka close encounter last night.

All: Whoa!

Gladys: I haven't had a close encounter since last July 4th at the Moose Lodge. I'm so lonely! Oh!

Zuri: That was one unlucky moose.

Ravi: We encountered the Kikiwaka! That was us.

(All applauding)

Gladys: And for the last ding dang time, it is one thing to pee in the lake, but it is completely unacceptable to leave a number two in a canoe!

Jorge: What? The signs around here are really confusing.

Gladys: So instead, we'll be racing inner tubes today. Last person to the lake has to clean the canoe!

Xander: ♪ Here we go ♪
♪ We're leaving the city behind right now ♪
♪ Let's gather by the campfire light ♪
♪ And sing this song ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Hanging out with someone new ♪
♪ Then falling out of a camp canoe ♪
♪ What's that smell? It's on your shoe ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Got a s'more in my hair ♪
♪ Mosquitos in our underwear ♪
♪ Shower's broke but we don't care ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪

♪ This is our home away from home away from home away from home ♪
♪ But watch your back A bear just ate my phone ♪

All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪
♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪
♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

(All cheering and applauding)

Uh, Hazel, three's a crowd.

Hazel: Oh, did you hear that, Emma? Get lost.

Emma: You already tried that last night, remember?

Lou: Wow, last time the bonfire was this big, Gladys had dropped her canteen in it.

Zuri: That's because I threw in all of Tiffany's flashcards.

Tiffany: What?

Zuri: I'm going to make sure you have fun this summer, if it's the last thing I ever do.

Tiffany: If my mom hears about this, it will be. Although it might be nice to have a little fun for a change. Great!

Zuri: Tonight, I'll teach you how to hollow out your mattress to hide stuff. With your book smarts and my street smarts, we're going to rule this camp!

Ravi: Oh! Jorge, move back! You are supposed to melt the marshmallow, not your face.

Jorge: Hey, compared to what the aliens did to me, that would be nothing. After brunch, it got ugly.

Zuri: Hey, guys, do you think the Kikiwaka's gonna come back tonight?

Ravi: Not if he knows Jorge had burritos for dinner.

Gladys: Ha! Dopey kids. They'll believe anything.

Campers: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪
♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪
♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

(Growling and snarling)