01x06 - PTSD

Therapist: The key to any successful relationship is communication.

What do you think is keeping the two of you from being able to fully trust each other?

Becca: Most of the time, things are good.

But out of the blue, we'll have a minor disagreement.

And then we're fighting for hours.

Therapist: Vernon, what do you think about what Becca just said?

Vernon: Pissed, dude.

Bummed. It makes me feel like what the sh1t?

She talks to me like I'm a child.

Becca: Because you are a child.

Vernon: Oh, really? A child doctor, Becca?

A child doctor with a BMW 7 Series and credit score well into the five hundos?

Becca: He almost got fired because during a hip resurfacing, he took his sunglasses, put them on the patient's testicles and took a picture of it.

Therapist: Very unpro...

Vernon: Humor is a necessity in the operating room.

Otherwise, we would collapse under the sheer weight of the human drama.

Therapist: Guys? Right...

Becca: You fix tennis elbows for rich people!

Vernon: Do not tell me how to do my calling!

Therapist: Okay, guys, let's take a breath.

And remember you're here because you love each other.

There she is.

Is it possible that the problem isn't between the two of you?

But rather in the negative external elements that are influencing your relationship?

(Clears her throat)

Becca: So, our therapist said we need to cut out the toxic elements, which means we just can't have couples like you in our life anymore.

Gretchen: Whoa! We're not a couple.

We're just hanging out.

Jimmy: Wait. Breakfast is still on you, right?

Vernon: Yeah, totally. I gave them my card.

It's a "Chase Saph", which means when I use it at restaurants, I double-down on the points...

Becca: Anyway.

Don't try to talk us out of it.

Gretchen: Okay.

Becca: Well, good luck. Both of you.

Vernon: So, I got an Xbox One if you ever want to dork out on some Madden.

Becca: Vernon?

Vernon: I meant dork out online.

We can't even headset-hang?

Becca: Will you please stop thinking about Madden...?

Gretchen: What are you doing later?

Jimmy: I am interviewing "Hollywood it Girl" Megan Thomas for Coterie magazine.

Gretchen: Oh, she's hot. Send me pics.

Jimmy: Nudes?

(Gretchen laughs)

Gretchen: Yeah, okay, buddy.

If you think you can get Megan Thomas naked, more power to you.

Jimmy: Well, I was kidding.

But as you said, "We're not a couple," so legally, I'm free to try, right?

Gretchen: Did it bother you when I said that?

Jimmy: No, no.

It's important to set clear rules.

Hey. This is on the curly ginger, yeah?

All right, in that case, we'll take some things to go.

Well, one of everything from the left side.

Oh, and four of those souvenir T-shirts.

Gretchen: Ooh, throw in a large child's.

Jimmy: Hmm?

Gretchen: Killian.

Jimmy: Who?

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway I'm gonna leave you anyway... ♪

Jimmy: Okay, so, um...

(Megan laughs)

Jimmy: ...how does one prepare for a role in which you play a... (laughs).


A tsunami widow?

Megan: Shut up.

Um, all right, this is the official quote.

It was a singular pleasure to be able to bring a story of such courage to life.

Plus, I did, like, six weeks of Haleo and CrossFit twice a day.

Feel my calf, dude.

That does indeed feel like the calf of a grieving widow.

(Megan laughs)

Megan: Whoa!

You're a foot dude.

Jimmy: No.


Megan laughing: You don't have to let go.

Does your girlfriend have nice feet?

Jimmy: Aw, she's not my girlfriend.

In fact, earlier today, she said it straight out, "We are not a couple."

Megan: Yeah, that's just something that girls say 'cause they feel like they have to.

Jimmy: No, she's not like that at all.

She's actually challenged me to try and get a... a nude photo of you.

I mean, of course I told her that would be completely unprofessional.

Megan: We should get another round.

Edgar: Perfect timing. I have great news.

Jimmy: What... you found your own place?

Edgar: My therapist said I should be alone as little as possible on account of how I've been waking up holding a knife.

Jimmy: Mm.

Wait, what?!

Edgar: Ah, it's not important.

Anyway, the news was I made breakfast nachos.

Jimmy: Go back to the knife thing.

Edgar: Not just breakfast nachos, breakfast nachos "a la Jimmy and Gretchen" with the peanuts on top, because I know how Gretchen likes the crunch.

Megan: Hey! I got to go, bud.

Jimmy: I'll, uh, I'll walk you out.

Megan: Mmm!

(Megan speaking Spanish)

Me gusta.

Lindsay: I can't believe Jimmy sent you naked photos of a celeb.

Gretchen: I kind of dared him to.

I didn't think he'd actually be able to hit that.

Lindsay: You have to break up with him... big.

Ooh, what if we spray-painted "pedophile" on his garage door?

I did that when my neighbors left their Christmas lights up too long.

Gretchen: I can't exactly be pissed off.

I'm not his girlfriend.

Lindsay: Well, you at least have to sleep with someone else, too, or you'll resent him forever.

That's feminism, Gretch.

That's what Susan B. Anthony died for.

Gretchen: Do you even know who Susan B. Anthony is?

Lindsay: She made an airplane disappear.

Gretchen: Nope. What? That's Amelia Earhart.

And she didn't make an air...

Lindsay: Whatever, history.

You happened already. Let it go.

Gretchen: I'm not gonna have s*x with some stranger.

Lindsay: What about that barista with the giant hog you dated?

Gretchen: Venti? The size barely made up for the fact that his moustache was connected to his sideburns. It was like getting banged by John Quincy Adams.

Lindsay: Exactly. America's first black astronaut.

Gretchen: I'm so glad you don't have a job.

Lindsay: Right?

Venti: Gretchen?

Venti: Oh, my God. Long time.

Gretchen: I know.

You're still working here.

Venti: Yeah!

Gretchen: How is your band?

Venti: Oh, our drummer was scuba diving in Cancun and somehow went deaf.

So if you know any drummers...

Gretchen: I will keep my ear out.

(Both laugh)

Do you still have your van?

Venti: Yeah.

Gretchen: Meet me there in five.

Venti: Oh, I wish I could.

But I'm a manager now and if I abandon my post, my boss will fire me.


Jimmy: Hey.

Gretchen: Hi.

Congrats on the photos.

Megan Thomas... bringing back the bush.

Jimmy: It was for a grieving widow role. You're not mad, are you?

Gretchen: No.

Like you said, it was totally legal for you to do that.

Jimmy: Because we're not a couple.

Gretchen: Yeah.

We're just two chill people, being totally cool about stuff.

You can have s*x with celebs, I can bang an ex... which I did...

Which is great. Because now we're even.

Jimmy: Sorry, you did what?

Gretchen: Yeah.

I ran into that barista from Silver Lake Coffee.

Jimmy: Who, Grande?

Gretchen: Yes, that was his nickname.

You're not mad, are you?

Jimmy: Pfft.

Of course not. I'm just confused, because you just used the word "even."

Because, technically, I slept with a sexy, famous celebrity I'd just met, while you just re-banged a barista.

So that doesn't really count as a full person, does it?

He's, like, half a person. At best.

Gretchen: Didn't feel like half a person.

Jimmy: And I've just remembered his nickname: Venti.

Gretchen: I didn't want to rub it in.

Jimmy: Nothing to rub in.

In no world does Hollywood it Girl Megan Thomas equal your chaiwallah.

But hey, by all means, let's call it "even."

Where you going?

Gretchen: I have stuff to do!

(Door slams)

Announcer: Ron Stitches Show...

(Phone rings, explosion booms)

Ron: Welcome back to The Ron Stitches Show.

I'm Ron and we've got Edgar in Los Angeles, who says his roommate's s*x life is causing him problems.

What's the deal, Edgar?

Edgar: Well, Ron, I'm kind of in a moral dilemma.

Ron: A moral dilemma or an oral dilemma?

Woman sultry: Oh, yes...

Edgar: Ooh, now, the thing is I really like my roommate's girlfriend.

Ron): And you plan on hittin' that, right?

[b]Woman: Oh, yes...!

Edgar: No. No, no, no, no. I-I mean as a person.

I really want them to work out.

The thing is...

He slept with someone else, and...

I don't know if I should tell her or not.

Ron: Whoa, whoa, what? Rat out your bro, bro?

Is this a prank call?

Cheryl, you're screening these calls, right?

Or are you just sitting over there playing with them big old hooters of yours?

(Owl hoots, woman moans)

Edgar: It's just that ever since I came back from lraq, I haven't really met many people I can talk to... and she listens.

Ron: First off, I'd like to say thank you for you service, soldier.

If I didn't have this god-dang bee allergy, I would have been right over there with you.

So talk to me. You ever shoot that .50 cal?

I shot one in Vegas one time.

It was hell, man.

I got separated from my squad somewhere between Crazy Girls and the Spearmint Rhino and...

Lindsay: Actually, he's right.

Gretchen: Linds!

Lindsay: Think about it. Megan Thomas is a major score.

She's like totally Hollywood's...

Gretchen: Don't say "Hollywood's it Girl."

Lindsay: She is. And Venti is old news.

He's previously taken dick.

PTD, if you will.

Gretchen: PTD.

Okay, so what if there's a guy that I haven't... taken, but I did maybe...

Lindsay: Slob on it?

Still wouldn't count. You've got to rule out previously taken or sucked dicks...


Gretchen: That's what Edgar has.

(Both laughing)

Both: Aw...

Lindsay: PTSDs are half a point.

Kind of like how a competitive bird watcher only gets points when he sees a new species he hasn't.

Gretchen: Paul does competitive bird watching?

Lindsay: I don't want to talk about it.

Gretchen: Whatever. The whole thing's stupid.

Lindsay: So finish it!

The sooner you put someone behind you, the sooner you can put this behind you.

Gretchen: Wow, Denver.

I've never met anyone who makes their own furniture before.

That canopy bed sounds amazing.

I would love to check it out sometime.

Denver: Well, finish up that drink and I'll show it to you.

You see this headboard? It's all salvaged wood!

Took me three months to refurbish the hull of a Nova Scotian haddock trawler.

Actor: I mean, as a black actor, you're talking drug dealer, athlete, judge...

Or sometimes God, if you're old.

Do you know how many McDonald's commercials I've been in as a black actor?

I can hear that damn jingle in my sleep.

I'm not lovin' it. They love it.

Gretchen: Don't you think, now that 12 Years a Slave has won Best Picture...

Actor: Man, y'all white people love slavery movies even more than you loved actual slavery.

As a black actor...

Gretchen: So there I am, at the after-party for Danny Brown's latest album, and I'm in this house in the hills, no idea where I am, and I look at a picture on the wall and I realize it's Diana Ross.

I am at Diana Ross's house.

So I go to the bathroom, I grab a hairbrush...

(Man screams)

Man: Yes!

(Men cheering)

Man 2: That's the play I'm talking about!

(Men whooping)

Aiden: Well, I'd really like to try to get into writing movies and teleplays, but honestly, I'd be happy anywhere in...


I'd call it "the biz," but I just moved out here from Ohio in the family mini-van...


Gretchen: And I'm out.

Lindsay: Wait!

Why don't you go get us two more?

Gretchen: It's so awful we have to feel any of this.

Lust, love...

Don't we have bigger problems to worry about?

I am in a bar, trolling for dudes, just to prove something... to who? To Darwin?

To myself?

It is embarrassing and beneath us is what I am saying.

You know?

Bouncer: Not really.

But I will say, if this Darwin clown is not treating you properly...

He's a goddamn fool.

Lindsay: I mean, sure, he sleeps in flannel pajamas with socks, and yes, he spends six weeks of every summer at a magic camp for adults and...

Okay, he has an allergy to soap and we have to buy him that special oil for dogs... but he's my husband.

And he doesn't deserve for anybody to be mean to him.


Aiden: How could anyone not like Paul?

Lindsay: I know!


(Lindsay gasping, moaning)

Lindsay: You like that?

Aiden: I don't know.

(Bouncer grunting passionately)

Gretchen: Wait. Move me, like, six inches right.

My face is way too near that booger.

(Lindsay gasping)

(Edgar knocks on door)

Edgar: Hello, Padre.

Priest: Hello.

Edgar: I have a dilemma. I... I know this secret, and I can't decide if I should tell.

If I do, a lot of people could get hurt.

Priest: Son, your situation reminds me of a sermon I just delivered.

I related Paul's Letter to the Corinthians to individual moral responsibility.

What I said was...

Wait, how did I put it?

I said it so good. Terry was there.

Terry! Damn it. Has anybody seen Terry?

No? (Priest sighs) Anyway, the gist of it was listen to your own conscience, but at the same time, don't do anything that could cause harm.

Edgar: Oh, well, it's just that if I sit on this, it could get even worse.

Priest: What is the nature of this information?

Edgar: I've said too much already. Thanks.

I know what I have to do.

Priest: Yeah, it's me.

I think we got another Snowden on our hands.

(Phone buzzing)

Jimmy: Hello.

Gretchen: Can't talk long.

I just wanted to tell you we're even.

Jimmy: What, Venti again?

Gretchen: Nope. We've both slept with someone new, which makes us even.

So, yay us.

Jimmy: Wait, that's not even.

My person was a stranger, which was one point, your person was Venti, which was worth a half, so I was one-half up on you.

But now with this new person, you're one-half up on me.

Gretchen: Oh, my God, Jimmy.

Who cares? Can't we just call it a draw?

Jimmy: Well, that's easy for you to say, you're one-half up.

Now I have to sleep with an ex.

(Gretchen laughs)

Gretchen: Yeah, okay. Good luck with that.

Anyway, I gotta go. Some work thing. Bye.

Brianna: Um, do you have a work thing?

Because I don't have anything on your calendar.

Gretchen: Hurry up. You're letting all the cold air out.

Becca: Well, I hope you're here to repay the $300 you guys somehow spent at breakfast.

Jimmy: Why does everyone hate me? I know it's weird to ask you... you rightfully hate my guts. But...

But what's wrong with me that I can't sustain a single relationship?

Becca: Oh... I hate emotional Jimmy.

Come in.

Jimmy: Everyone I care about ends up hating me.

Why is that?

Becca: Oh, because you're a narcissist with face-blindness who, without hesitation or consequence, uses people to get what you want.

Jimmy: God, you know me so well.

Becca: Can I have one of those?

Jimmy: They're pretty expensive.

Becca: I know.

I used to buy them for you all the time.

Shut up and give me one.

Jimmy: So, um... where's Vernon?

Becca: You just missed him.

He left to go do his rotation, or as he calls it, his "rotaish."

Jimmy: Oh... I didn't know he did night "rotaishes."

Becca: Oh, my God! Jimmy, what the hell!

Jimmy: Oops.

Sorry. Should... should I go?

Becca: Yes!


Jimmy: Oh, I forgot to mention: we're even.

It's one-and-a-half to one-and-a-half.

Bagged an ex.

Gretchen: Ah.

Who was she?

Jimmy: She's this girl... Hillary.

You don't know her. Unmemorable, but... pliant.

Gretchen: Oh, great.

So... we are even.

Jimmy: Are you mad?

Gretchen: No.

Why would I be mad? It's all good, brah.

Jimmy: Why are you talking like Guy Fieri?

Gretchen: 'Cause, Jimmy, you don't really want to know what's on my mind.

That's not what this is. We are just two independently existing people who get together to have s*x.

Jimmy: Well, how do I determine what we are?

You're the one who started this whole thing when you said...

Gretchen: "Said?" You're the one who did, Jimmy.

You did goddamn Hollywood it Girl Megan Thomas.

Jimmy: Only because you said I could!

Gretchen: And then I sleep with one guy and you freak out!

Jimmy: It was one-and-a-half guys!

Gretchen: So you are jealous. Why don't you just admit you can't handle it if I sleep with someone else?

Jimmy: Fine, if you admit that you can't handle it if I do.

Gretchen: Fine!

Sarcastic: Well, then maybe we should be "exclusive."

Is that what you want?

Jimmy sarcastic: Ooh, yeah, that'd be awesome. Let's do that.

Gretchen: Yeah, great.

Jimmy: Great.

Guess we're "exclusive," then.

Gretchen: Wait. Are we being sarcastic or are we actually exclusive?

Jimmy: I got a little bit lost in there somewhere.

But yeah...

I guess we're... exclusive.

Gretchen: Okay. Cool.

Jimmy: Cool.

Gretchen: Can you believe Becca and Vernon said we were toxic?

Jimmy: Yeah, no kidding. What a joke.

(Pop intro playing)

(No voice)

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh... Oh, oh, oh, oh... Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh... Sun on its cycle ♪
♪ Don't carry it away ♪
♪ All light within it changes ♪
♪ Only the sun ♪
♪ Needs re-arranging ♪
♪ Darling, there's hardly ♪
♪ Anything ♪
♪ Burning faster for you ♪
♪ You say, "Don't go, oh-oh" ♪

Woman: Let go...

♪ Don't go ♪
♪ Everything close ♪
♪ Oh, but you know ♪
♪ Oh, let it go ♪
♪ Darling, there's more than ♪
♪ Anything burning faster for you ♪
♪ You'll say, "Don't go, oh-oh" ♪
♪ Don't go, oh-oh... ♪
♪ Farewell, she knew ya... ♪

(Knocking on door)

Gretchen: Come in.

Edgar: I know this isn't a great time, but there's something I have to say.

Gretchen, this is going to upset you, and Jimmy...

You're going to hate me for ratting, but...

Jimmy: Edgar, we're not doing anything!

Gretchen: What's the awful news, Edgar?

Edgar: Uh, just that...

I was making you guys nachos "a la Jimmy and Gretchen" and it turns out we're out of peanuts.

Jimmy: So...? Make them without the peanuts.

Edgar: Okay. I will.

Oh, and, uh... you're welcome.

Gretchen: For the nachos?

Edgar: Yeah. For the nachos.