03x11 - The Inherent, Unsullied Qualitative Value of Anything


Jimmy, if you're thinking of getting into ski p0rn, it's a niche audience and the work is seasonal.

I have it all worked out, Gretchen... what I saw from my tree house last night.... my father is no longer a force in my life, thus, everything I am and have is suspect, acquired or decided, as it all were, in the context of being "Ronny's son," which I am no longer, thus, reevaluation.

It's all up for review.

So, I'm making a pros and cons list of everything in my life to work out whether I still need it or not.

Oh, boy.

It's the perfect post-emotional analytic tool to determine the inherent, unsullied qualitative value of anything.

To whit. Stapler.

Pros: petite, efficient, comely.

Cons: literally no place for you in the digital world.

Good-bye, old girl.

Hmm... tough one.

Pros: strong tassels, I look fantastic in it.

Cons: I saw Moby wearing the same one on the cover of Yoga Life.

And there's the answer.

Right. My stuff... there's your stuff...


Oh! Fine! Jesus Christ!

Fine, Jimmy. Do your insane, idiotic thing and get this over with.

Gretchen pro-con list, go.

Well, okay.

You and your stupid tree house.

I swear, I wish I'd never mentioned Dead Poets Society in front of you.

You literally just did the standing on the desk thing, but higher.

The quicker we do this, the quicker we can move on with our lives.

I have stuff to do for Shitstain and Jaclyn's elopement party.

Bet your ass he's not making a list.

Okay, fine.

Here are two things to start off your pro list.

Bam! Carpe those diems.

Aw, man.

I slept in gum again?


Just know that, uh, this is gonna be a waste of your time.

The end result is gonna be, "Damn, she's awesome.

"That list was pointless.

"Wasted all that paper and ink.

"Sorry trees. Sorry squids."

Wait, is that how you think we get ink?

From squids?


Aw, damn it!

♪ ♪
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪
♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪


[indistinct chatter, dishes clinking]

[upbeat music playing]

Ooh. Ceviche?


I don't get it. A pros and cons list about you?

What's on it?

Oh, who cares? We all have negative sh1t we think about everyone in our lives.

Yeah, but writing it down makes it real.

Like Web sites or fortune cookies.

So, how'd Paul react to the news that you're leaving him?

Ain't told him yet.

First I got to set myself up, get my own place.

And it'll be so phat because I'll be getting those sweet monthly checks from the prenup.

Wait, what? You have a prenup?

[laughs] Yeah, Paul was like, "Oh, honey, we don't need one."

But uh-uh, I didn't fall for that sh1t.

So, like a boss, I made him.

Lindsay, you ding-dong.

A prenup protects the wealthier person, him, in a divorce from giving his money to the poorer person, you.

Are you goddamn kidding me?

And you let me get an abortion?!

I had a ticket to 18 years of dough and you let me flush my ticket?

Hey, just focus.

Do the most important thing first: tell Paul.

Once you do that, you can figure out your life.

Now I have to get a stupid job.

Can I have a job?

That's gonna be a hard no.

♪ ♪

So, I got a bunch of ideas about that restaurant concept.

You know, savory cereal?

Two words: Beefy Pebbles.

We'll talk later.

Ooh, excuse me? Excuse me? Excuse me?

Shitstain: Did-did you call him?

Honey Nutz: Yes, I called him.

I can't believe he's late, man.

I can. He's been the worst best man ever.

He lost the ring at the Monterey Aquarium tide pool.

Said a sea anemone took it.

Does that even sound plausible to you?

Do you know how slow a sea anemone is?

There he is.

Where's the navy suit?

Oh, nah, blood, this is it.

I just got the pants hemmed and the jacket taken in.

Then it still was a total piece of sh1t, so I lit it on fire and bought something dope instead.

[groans] That's it!

You're fired as best man.

Nutz, you're giving the toast tonight.


Okay, idiot, good luck with this mush-mouth.

Fool can't even leave a simple voice mail. Always be like, "Uh...

"Call me back. Uh..." Click.

Y-Yo, you know public speaking is one of my greatest fears.

It's public speaking, heights and waking up with a scorpion in my mouth.

You'll be fine.

We're professional public speakers.

That-that's different.

Look, Honey Nutz is a persona.

Uh, when I'm not rapping, I'm just Zachary from Reseda, that likes hard cider and losing myself in a graphic novel.


I don't mean no disrespect, by that.

I don't, I don't. I'm just saying...


Nice look.

Shouldn't you be trying to shoot down Snoopy?

I went a little crazy with the purge.

Got rid of all my outerwear and my underwear.

I'm currently wearing one of Edgar's bathing suits.

Jimmy, I've thought about your pros and cons list, and I think it's only fair that you show it to me.

Gretchen, I'm undergoing a really painful process of reevaluation.

Now, if you could just respect my privacy, I'd really appreciate it.

Fine, I hear you. You have my word.



Oh, yeah. Ooh, a zipper!

I can't get through that. [laughs]


I'm gonna go shake gifts, see if anything sounds expensive.


This is my wife, Jaclyn.



What a dick.

Don't worry, he's an asshole.


Oh, look at you!

Oh. What do you think?


Oh, thank you.

Man: Shitstain in the house!

I love weddings.

Friends coming together.

Old couples falling in love again.

Plus, you can totally steal a chair at a wedding.

I've done it so many times.

Most of my chairs are wedding chairs.

[phone vibrates]

What's going on?

Whoa. It's Doug Benson.

He wants me to come up with five sketch ideas by tomorrow.

[exhales] Well...

I guess I better start brainstorming.

Wait, you're gonna work at a wedding?

I don't have a choice, Dorothy.

I mean, this is a huge opportunity.

I-I got to nail it.

Okay, let's see.

Weddings, weddings.

Bride. Groom. Broom.

Here comes... the broom?


This might not take long after all.

Cool. So just go do your very important work, and I'll just wander around by myself, like a loser.

Hey! Lindsay!


He has a job.

How'd he get that?

Shitstain: All right, I fired him to hire you.

These aren't your words you're writing.

What is that?


Hey. How'd you get that?

What? [chuckles]

I-I don't know what you're talking about.

Priscilla: Listen one more time.

My client wants 100% ostrich feathers.

I don't care. Just wait until they stick their heads in the ground and then slit their throats.

Hey, how'd you get that?

[chuckles] My job?

Well, I started a fashion blog.

Then Tavi Gevinson retweeted me.

Then I dressed Parker Posey for the Good Wife premiere.

Before I knew it, I was a stylist.

I love your jacket, by the way.


My trick is I just buy a cheap jacket, replace the buttons with doper ones, and tell everyone I got it in Italy.

But not Little Italy. The big Italy.

That's brilliant.


I really like your pocket square, too.

Thanks. Those are my panties.


Lindsay: I'm not joking.

Hey. What's up with you?

Hi, Gretchen.

Sam: Got fired as the best man.

Not that I care.

Group's turning into a bunch of pussies anyway!

Honey Nutz is getting his knuckles waxed for his appearance on Poker After Dark.

Shitstain getting married with no thought to how it will affect our careers.

I ain't trying to rap about kids or poker!

Ain't nothing rhyme with "poker."

So what are you gonna do?

What can I do? He went and changed his whole life, and I don't even got a say in it.

Hey, you guys are a team.

If you feel like you're losing control of your future, just talk to him.

Your actions affect each other.


My actions do affect each other.

I don't like how you just repeated that verbatim with a glint in your eye, but, yeah, you got to take charge of your... future.

Now you have the glint, too, bitch.

Bitch, I ain't got no glint!

♪ ♪

Okay, how's this for a sketch idea?

A guy who takes everything literally.

That's kind of the first sketch that everybody comes up with.

That or 50-hour Energy.

Oh, man. That'd be so much energy.


Hey, look. It's Brian Posehn.

[chuckles] That is not Brian Posehn.

I took tickets for Brian Posehn's one-man show, like, a decade ago.

I used to party with all those comics.

The one thing I know is who is who in comedy, and I know that that is not Brian Posehn.

Oh. I guess it is him.


I should go talk to him.

Maybe I could bounce some ideas off him.

Excuse me. Champagne?


I'll leave it in the bathroom later under the soap.

Soap. [sniffing]

[R&B music playing]

Excuse me, where's the restroom?

Can I help you?

Yeah, um, uh, my boyfriend left his heart attack medication in his coat.


Yeah, do you have a claim ticket?

Uh, no, but... I got this.

Ignore the bruise.

Yeah, I just needed a ticket to know which coat to get.

Oh, uh, yeah. It's the really ugly bomber jacket.

Goddamn it.




Hi. [yelps]

[clicks tongue]

Fine. Two can play at that game.

Yeah, whatever you say, Gr...

What? Hang on. What are you doing?

Um, I'm making a pros and cons list about you.

No. No. You can't do that.

Pros and cons list is my thing.

Oh, another con: possessiveness of ideas.



Just to balance it out.

♪ ♪

Hey. Congratulations.

Thanks. Yeah, my parents thought 25 was young to get married, but when you know you found the one...

25? Wow, that's... that's a good age.


I tested for Ugly Betty when I was 25.

Who's Ugly Betty?

I'm gonna go.

Uh, that's actually just for the bride...

Oh. Listen.

It's only fair I warn you what you're getting into with us.

Our lifestyle is straight bananas.

Touring, staying out late, living off gum and Code Red.

It can be rough on bitches.


Oh. [chuckles] On women.

Yes, Sam, I know. Don't worry.

I am very pragmatic.

You have to maintain a certain image for the fans.

Nothing will change.

Okay, good.

At least until we have a baby.

But we aren't planning on starting a family until at least a year.

A baby?

A human-ass baby?

Oh, man.

Seems like just yesterday we were skating on Fairfax, stealing leftovers from Orthodox Jews coming out of Canter's.

Now everything's getting so serious.

Sam, things change.

I know it's scary, but... you'll be okay.

What the hell?!


Ugh! I can't believe he just did that.

Ugh. Dale! Dale!


What happened?

Sam tried to kiss me!

What the hell is wrong with you?!

I'm sorry! I'm just highly upset!

This is all happening so fast.

First, you settling down.

And as soon as someone agrees to go on a date with Zachary, you know he gonna grab on tight and never let go.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Are you talking about someone specific?

Because if someone has expressed interest, I'm available.

Look, if you're afraid that this is going to affect our work, it's not.

We signed our million-year pledge.

It ain't the work.

I'm just...

I'm just afraid I'm losing my best friends.

Sam, you're never going to lose me as a friend.

Look, why don't you and Zachary give the speech together.

Both of you are my best men.

Always will be.

All right, man.

Let's go work on that speech.

I go first, obviously.

You know you can't be friends with him anymore, right?

Yeah, yeah, I know.


Okay, so far, I have "takes up too much room in bed,"

"eats pizza with a fork."

So you're making a list of dumb little negative things about him?


Is this the dude that wore the bomber jacket?

That feels like one.

[gasps] Yes. Thank you.

Hey. Alex said you were gonna put the coke in the bathroom, man.

It's not there.


I left it under the soap.

Dude, I bet you Alex took it.

Look, I'm not sure I want to get involved in this cereal restaurant thing if we can't trust him.


Edgar: So, the guy's, like... [sighs] "The boss is up my butt," and our hero... taking everything literally, right?

Puts his mouth to the guy's butt, and he's like, "Are you in there, Mr. Hendrickson?

"I'll save ya."


That's hilarious, man.

Hey! Brian!

So good to see you again.

I'm sorry. Do I know you?

Dorothy Durwood.

We worked together on your one-man show. I took tickets.

Remember after that one show at Birds, you dared me to eat an entire rotisserie chicken and then I did?

But then people kind of felt sorry for me, and... it was kind of a downer all told, and not ultimately worth it comedically.



H-How's it going?

[groans] Still grinding away at the old improv.

Been doing it, gosh, like, a decade now.

But, yeah, my boyfriend here, he goes and does it for literally an hour and gets a job, but...

I've got chore monkey shifts, so... you know what that is?

Someone literally pays you just over minimum wage to clean out their fridge, for an example, and, uh, if you're real lucky, when you get there, it's your ex-boyfriend from college.

Hey, uh, how much do I have to pay you to end this conversation?



Uh, hey, why-why don't I take you home?

No. No, you're networking.

Go network.


That was rough. Sorry.

Hey, uh, I found some cocaine in the bathroom.

Do you want some?


Priscilla: [laughs]

You know, actually, I'm looking for an assistant stylist.

I've stylisted before!

I-I dressed this rapper, and we wrote a song and smoked a, um... a professional job thingie.

[both laugh]

Well, I'd love to run through a few questions with you.

But you need to know that there is travel required.

You'd have to come with me to Paris a couple of times a year...

[ringtone plays]

Oh. Sorry.

Um, I'll be right back.


I don't know, you tell me.

Is an emu the same thing as an ostrich?

I'll wait.

Can you believe this?

Sweetie, I think it's amazing that you want to work, but... it's only ethical that you tell her you're with child.

Paul, this woman dressed Porter Potty for The Good Life premiere after being retweeted by Crabby Applepants.

She likes me. Let me handle this.

Priscilla: [groans] Sorry about that.

Poachers can be so unreliable.

Anyway, tell me about you guys.

Do you have any children?

Nope. [clears throat]

[chuckles] Um... well, that's not entirely accurate.

Do not take this from me, Paul.

It's entirely accurate. [clears throat]

Ma'am, despite my wife's objections, I feel we have an ethical obligation to inform you of something.

Lindsay's pregnant.


No, I'm not.


Lindsay, I can't let you mislead her.

She's pregnant.

No! I'm not pregnant, Paul.

There is no baby.

I had an abortion.


Lindsay, don't lie to her.

I'm not lying. Gretchen drove me.

There was a pie flight. I talked to a sign lady.

I did that.

Yeah. Hmm?

Also, I'm leaving you.


So this is the big Paris, right?

The one with the bread?

Uh... you guys seem like you need some time alone.

Why don't you call me when you... figure all this out.

Paul, are you okay?

[soft, trembling breaths]

I am allowed to reassess my life.

You have no say in it.

So I'm just supposed to wait around until you think I'm worthy of being your girlfriend?

That's bullshit, dude.

Just tell me one of the things on your list.

Okay, fine. But only if you tell me one of yours.

[scoffs] Fine.

[sighs]: Okay.

"I can't see having kids with her."

Your turn.

I'm afraid you'll never be successful.

All right, everybody, quiet down. Quiet down.

I'm Sam. This is my boy Zachary.

Now, we know why we're here today.

Dale and Jaclyn went and eloped, because they were too cheap to throw a proper wedding.


"Two people haven't gotten married that fast since Immigration came for my mom's gardener."

[woman coughs quietly]

It's true that this courtship was kind of quick, but the thing is, when your shadow looks like a broomstick with an afro, you lock down the first girl that lets you touch her titties!


"This-this dude is so ugly... his dad left his family and asked to go to jail."


[man clears throat]

[microphone feedback hums]

All joking aside, it may seem like they ain't been dating that long, but when it's the person you're meant to be with, you know right away.

[people aahing]

And as you get to know them, you only grow to love them more.


Hey... uh, "Even if it doesn't work out, "we all got some wack-ass ceviche out of it, right?"


Ha! Ha-ha!


[guitar playing mellow intro]

Sorry about that kiss thing. I apologize.

I know he stole it. He's the one.

♪ ♪
♪ So go and drag your shadow ♪
♪ Back up the street ♪
♪ 'Cause Lord knows I don't want it ♪
♪ Following me ♪
♪ So you and your heartbreak ♪
♪ And all of the mistakes ♪
♪ Are always there... ♪

Oh. Right.

♪ You got some heartache ♪
♪ Come meet all my mistakes ♪
♪ And we'll always be there ♪
♪ They're always there ♪
♪ So you and your heartbreak ♪
♪ And all of the mistakes ♪
♪ Are always there ♪
♪ They're always there ♪
♪ I've got some heartache ♪
♪ Come meet all my mistakes ♪
♪ And we'll always be there ♪
♪ They're always there ♪
♪ So I don't know ♪
♪ Why I feel so ♪
♪ Alone ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪