05x08 - The Pillars of Creation

(bicycle bells dinging)

(man singing opera)

(children giggling)

When I saw the images from the Eagle Nebula, my God, Leonard.

Swirling, almost pulsating elephant trunks of dust and gas light-years away. Oh.

Ah, the Pillars of Creation.

Spitzer observed a cloud of supernova shock waves, suggesting the pillars

Hubble had just photographed may have actually been destroyed , years ago.

Oh, what better captures both the pathetic insignificance of humanity and our own tragic nobility than to fall in love with the ghost of something we had no chance of ever knowing in the first place.

(doorbell plays 's "Also Sprach Zarathustra" theme)

Ah.

What up, space nerds?

You must be Paul's family. Welcome.

- (chuckles)
- Oh. Thank you.

Okay!

Paul forgot to mention how ravishing you are.

- Oh, well, thank you.
- (door slams)

And... Vernon. Paul described you pretty accurately.

Thanks.

(clears throat) Uh, I'm Leonard Gilmartin, but please, call me Gilly. Everyone does.

- Oh.
- Copy that, Gillbo.

Just Gilly.

I'm the president of the Pasadena Astronomy Society.

I won an auction on Eeebs for these.

Hundred bones for a set of four.

Bit pricey, but as a surgeon, I know how important it is to be able to see good.

Oh, fabulous. Of course, you know it's a lunar eclipse.

Agree to disagree.

(Becca softly chuckles)

- Oh, joy! You made it!
- Oh, good.

I'll let you show them to their room. (chuckles)

Wow, Paul, this place is trés classy.

Yeah, it's like we're getting to crash at a Pier Imports, or something not quite as fancy, but still good, like a CB .

I'm so glad you guys came!

I look forward to the once-a-year family weekend here at Gilly's more than just about anything.

Aside from the McRib.

What is it about that sandwich that haunts me so?

Where's Tallulah?

Becca asked Lindsay to watch her while we were away.

You said you were gonna ask her.

Oh. Right.

- I did... and she said yes.
- Huh.

- So, that's all set.
- Ah.

I got to shoot off a text real quick, unrelated.

- Follow me to your quarters.
- (Becca chuckles)

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪

- (gentle piano music playing)
- (Becca gasps)

Ah!

Blankets and pillows. Ka-ching!

And I'm right next door.
We share a bathroom.

Gross.

I'll let you two settle in.

I'm supposed to help some of the little ones make a moon cake.

It's actually a sponge cake with powdered sugar. Shh.

(Becca sighs)

We play our cards right, Bec,

I think we can milk this con into a European vacay.

Ew.

Paul probably wants us to do the insemination during the eclipse, like a freaky.

For sure.

- What a dingus. (gasps)
- Ugh.

I bet I can make my own sandwich here.

Like, they'll probably have one of those fancy sandwich bars with all the fixins.
Can you imagine, Bec?

(chuckles) Me with fixins?

I can't even picture it.

Come on, sport with us. Tallyho!

BECCA: Get it, honey.

That's out.

- (cheering, laughing)
- Yeah! Nice serve, buddy!

Oh, honey.

- (bicycle bells dinging)
- (Becca whoops)

Come and get me, Vern.

VERNON: Oh! Shitballs.

- Did you feel it?
- I did.

(indistinct chatter)

Fixins.

(playing classical music)

I just want to address something so that there isn't any dark cumulonimbus sullying this weekend.

I've been doing some soul-searching, and I think we should press pause on the insemination protocol.

But we're making progress.

I-I feel us getting closer with every attempt.

Come on, let's give it one more shot when the moon eats the sun or whatever the frig.

The truth is, our primitive insemination technique, combined with Rebecca's geriatric womb, has me convinced success is improbable.

Did you just call my womb geriatric?!

- Primitive technique?
- Sometimes, it's just harder for women of your advanced age.

We faked it!

What do you mean?

Nothing! She doesn't mean anything.

I think her geriatric womb has spread to her brain.

We've never put any of your semen into my v*g1n*.

We've only been pretending in order to string you along and make more money.

My womb works. It works like gangbusters, mister.

What did you do with my...?

Your gunk? I squirted it out the window.

But if it makes you feel any better, the ficus in Lindsay's alley has grown, like, a foot.

BECCA: This time, we'll actually do it.

And we'll bake you up a bouncing baby in no time.

Come on. There were mistakes made on both sides.

On both sides.

Now that the the cold, hard truth is coming out...

I've already lined up another surrogate.

She's , is getting her master's, and was a Division fencing champion. And the best part?

She's not a no-good, rotten liar!

You're cheating on us? Dude... this is a lot to take in right now. We trusted you!

Calling all stargazers!

Lunch is ready!

(indistinct chatter)

This is a pleasure for me to be with all of you.

(indistinct chatter continues)

GILMARTIN: Oh, well, you're in for it now.

Let's eat, everybody.

Enjoy the cheese, it's imported.

The Mayans believed that during an eclipse, jaguars would come out of the earth and eat the pale people, pale people like you.

At least my little dick's not hanging out of my shorts.

Ha! Stupid.

(laughs)

Mmm.

(fire crackling)

I'm actually glad you found that -year-old.

She sounds great.

Just... be careful, though.

It can be complicated for a woman, especially a young one without children.

Once you see that baby... (sighs) it's hard not to be attached.

I see what you're trying to do.

Our trust has been irrevocably shattered, Becca.

It's over.

I know we betrayed you, but when it came down to it, that has never really seemed like the right way to create a life...

The bathroom, the cold baster.

Vernon.

I mean... what if we eliminated the intermediary device?

Are you suggesting that you and I...?

Yes.

I am.

Give us that come, bro! We'll do it for real this time!

- We promise!
- What is wrong with you two?

She offers to have s*x with me, then you try to intimidate me?

I don't know what type of reindeer games you're playing, but I don't want to join in.

Not in any of them!

Great job, turd.

I was this close to getting our fish back on the line.

- By offering him your bod?
- You got greedy, and now our golden goose thinks my eggs have expired!

Don't blame this on me.

You were enjoying the scam just as much as I was.

You said you felt like Annette Bening

- in The Grifters.
- You're the one that blew up our lives and put us in this situation in the first place!

You didn't just nick an artery.

You nicked any chance of us being happy again.

You were always a bitch, but you just got mean, Bec.

Why'd you even marry me in the first place?

I could be married to Téa Leoni!

You were in line with her at Jamba Juice! One time!

We shared a moment! She said, "Cool jacket."

Who knows where it could have gone.

But instead, I ended up with a blackhearted witch who wants nothing to do with me!

I only married you because you were a doctor and I wanted to make Jimmy jealous.

But you even ruined that by becoming a giant, worthless zero!

(exhales)

What?

Do you want to play a game with me?

Yeah, okay, but no pussin' out when I stomp you.

I'm an adult grown-up.
That means some sh1t.

This game?

- Are you even for real right now?
- Mm-hmm.

(chuckles) Look at you.

You're just a chill little dude who hasn't been kicked in the nards by life yet.

But you will.

One day when you're least expecting it... blam!

One second you're the envy of all the other docs,

'cause you got a hot wife, vanity plates, two Apple watches and a podcast in the top three hundy on Stitcher.

And the next thing you know, everything's taken away because your scalpel accidentally sliced open

- a woman's...
- (gasps)

...juice box.

So you quit. End of story.

Deal the things.

Ooh, I got "chip on shoulder."

(giggles)

"Brain freeze."

No prob.

- (buzzes)
- Damn it!

My turn.

That's not... Come on, let me get these brain sh1ts out.

- But it buzzed.
- The sh1t's rigged!

Let me go again! You're being awful!

But it's my turn! No!

Getting the brains! I'm getting the brains.

- But it's my turn!
- I'm getting the brains.

I am a grown-up!

("Nocturne in E-flat Major" by Frédéric Chopin playing)

- (clears throat)
- (children laughing)

Oops.

If you already have that -year-old lined up, why'd you ask us to come for the weekend?

You were the only people

I wanted to share this weekend with.

I thought we were family.

I'm sorry, Paul.

(sighs)

Here.

Let me recalibrate it for you.

You know, at the end of the day, it's probably for the best.

I mean, if I had your baby, we'd probably end up on Jerry Springer.

"Woman pregnant with sister's ex-husband's child."

Also, you divorced Lindsay for a reason...

Not to then have her in your life forever.

You're right.

This probably is for the best.

(buzzes)

(panting)

(buzzes)

(monitor beeping)

(buzzes)

NURSE: Doctor! What did you do?

(buzzing)

We're losing her!

Doctor!

Dr. Barbara! Dear God!

BECCA: Giant, worthless zero! I wish I'd never married you.

...just to make Jimmy jealous.

TEA LEONI (echoing): Hey, cool jacket.

I'm Téa Leoni. I'm Téa Leoni.

Cool jacket.

So sexy.

(monitor flatlining)

Is that really Mercury?

Believe it or not, it's actually one of the few planets that's easier to see in daylight.

Want to see the stunning siren herself, Venus?

There she is.

Let me see. I want to see.

- (laughs)
- Here.

Amazing.

You have the same anti-helical folds as Lindsay.

How would you know that?

(laughs) No. It's your ears.

- Oh.
- Right here.

(Becca clears throat)

Let me show you its terrestrial functions.

- Hmm.
- We actually have a fighting chance of seeing your house from here.

I mean... former house.

(gasps)

I think I just saw...

I got to go.

(Becca scoffs)


- (panting) Vernon!
- Nerd!

Good Lord! What did you do?

I threw this heavy-ass rock in, but then changed my mind at the last sec, so now I'm doing this, which sucks! Help me!

(both straining)

If I don't make it, I need you to do me a favor.

You're gonna make it.

Listen, it's for Becca and Tallulah.

I want them to know I was a good man.

- (straining)
- Which is why I need you to delete my browser history and all my bookmarks and my Dropbox,

- maybe burn the laptop.
- Huh?

Please, Paul! First thing, maybe even before you call .

Pull harder!

(both straining)

Okay.

(both grunting)

- Ah.
- Thanks for saving my life.

Fam. (chuckles wearily)

(panting): That really should've been easier for you.

I'll hook you up with some Joe Rogan supplements.

Family discount.

(panting, laughing)

You're right.

I'm worthless.

I thought at least if I was dead, then you'd get the life insurance money.

But then I 'membered I never switched the auto-pay to the new card after I left the old one at that churro stand at Six Flags.

Also, the new card would've bounced on account of we're broke.

So I guess I'm worthless, dead or alive.

You're worth something to me.

I'm so pathetic.

Being pregnant is the only time I've ever really felt special.

I mean, since I stopped playing Clarissa on the Nickelodeon cruise.

You're always special.

Even when you're being a huge bitch.

Aw.

Remember before when you said that thing about only wanting to get knocked up because it made you feel special?

Well, if we're keeping it ...

I was stalling.

Yeah, at first just for the money, but then I realized the idea of you being preggers with someone else's kiddo kind of made me feel... like not a man or whatnot.

Anyjunk, feelings are stupid.

Vernon, the fact that you were even open to the idea in the first place just shows how confident

- and secure you are.
- (children laughing)

And that's really sexy.

Sexy, huh?

- Very.
- GIRL: Here.

Aw.

Things are gonna get better for us, just you wait.

Once I get funding for my Korean medical food truck, everything's gonna be coming up Vernon. And Becca.

And Tallulah. sh1t.

Well, I believe in you, honey.

I mean, I have to.

- (laughs)
- Ow!

- Shitballs.
- Oh! Aw.

Poor baby. Here.

One hour to the eclipse! I repeat, one hour to the ecl...

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, this is the moment we've all been waiting for. Are you ready?

- CROWD: Yes!
- Well, then, look to the skies!

(giggles)

It's so neat.

(indistinct chatter)

(crowd cheering)

GILMARTIN: Yes!

Brilliant! Brilliant!

Absolutely brilliant.

Ah, wonderful.

GILMARTIN: Eclipses never fail to cast their magic spells, do they?

- Indeed, they do not.
- (both chuckle)

Please, have a seat.

Did your guests enjoy themselves?

I think so.

It's complicated.

Oh, must be nice to have family.

It's always just been me and the cosmos.

And the prostitutes.

Well... I've come to understand that the main attraction of having Becca as my surrogate was so, in some small way, my marriage wouldn't have been a total waste.

Well, there is no waste in the universe.

When something comes to an end, be it a galactic age, a star or a weekend away, it is simultaneously the beginning of something else.

Loss can be hard, but you might be mourning something that was never actually there in the first place.

Yes, maybe this idea you had of making a new family slipped through your fingers, but perhaps there's something else already there that you've failed to see.

(spits)

- BECCA: Ooh!
- (Vernon chuckles)

(Becca whispering indistinctly)

(Becca and Vernon chuckle)

BECCA: Oh!

(quiet chatter)

Yeah. Oh, there.

Mmm. Mm-hmm.

(laughs): Doctor.

Yeah. Oh.

(Becca moaning)

(clears throat)

- (Paul grunts softly)
- Ooh.

(all moaning)

- Oh.
- (Becca exhales)

Uh-uh.

Uh, uh... (clears throat)

Um...

I got you, bro.

Oh.

- (Becca moans)
- Oh, this is really happening.

(all moaning)

- Oh, yeah.
- (moaning continues)

(all shouting)

(laughs)

Epic!

(sighing)

(all chuckle)

(Becca sighing)

Did you know there was an eclipse last night?

No. Who cares?

I don't know. Dipshits like...

Oh, sh1t. I conjured them.

Hey, guys.

What are you doing in our diner?

Your diner? I didn't know you'd gotten into the restaurant business, Jimmy.

(laughter)

We're just getting b-fast.
Nothing weird about that.

So don't try to make it weird, okay?

Okay, well, great bumping into you. Not.

(all chuckling)

♪ Hold me. ♪