05x11 - Four Goddamn More Days

Soda water.

- Lime wedge?
- Nah.

Who am I trying to fool?

Hey there.


- Are you staying at the hotel?
- I am.

Yeah, me, too, you know.

I'm, uh, I'm Curtis.


Wow. I don't think I've ever actually met a Gretchen.

Well, Curtis, now you have.

Yes, I have. (laughs)

So, uh, are you... are you here alone, or...?

Yes, I... I am alone.

(laughs) Uh...

I-I guess what I'm asking in a larger sense is... single?

Are you, uh... are you single?

Single like a fox.

Although, I did almost get married once.

Oh. Almost.

Well, I mean, would you want to tell me the story over a drink?

Aw, f*ck it.

Whiskey, rocks.

You live exactly once, right, Curtis?

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪

(crushing pills)


(sniffs hard)


JIMMY: Okay, the final options for Gretchen's

Walk Down the Aisle music.

"Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba, "Juicy," Biggie,

"Poison" by Bell Biv DeVoe.

As Shakespeare said, "Never trust a big butt and a smile."

"Freak on a Leash" by Korn,

- "Marry Me" by Train.
- Oh, nix that one.

I don't want to ruin my mascara crying too hard.

"Sweet Child of Mine," GNR, "Relax" by Frankie Goes To Hollywood.

- You do know that's about butt s*x?
- I do.

Madonna, "Like A Virgin,"

" Become ," Spice Girls. Aw.

"Sabotage," Beastie Boys, "Waterfalls," TLC.

Oh, too sad. AIDS. Change it to "No Scrubs."

"Pop That Pussy" by Live Crew, "Girls Just Want to Have Lunch" by Weird Al,

"Maneater" by Hall and Oates and "Cherry Pie" by Warrant.

- Great list.
- Greatest list.

So, shall we winnow it down?

Oh, gonna have to winnow lata, playa.

I have to head into the office before the shitstorm du jour starts. Oh!

Aw, damn it!

Calgon, right?

Anyway, office drahms.

Debbie's inner-ear problem is flaring up, so she's always weaving when she walks.

And Mike's cat's butt is jacked after she had all those baby cats.

Blah, blah, blah. Work sh1t.

Yeah, yeah, mi-might I remind you that your first wedding is but five days away, and we still need to choose the font for the name cards and pick a punny name for our signature cocktail.

And we're totally gonna do all that bullshit, but again, supes swamped at wiz-erk.

Yeah, no, that's actually fine, 'cause Edgar and I have our notes "phoner" with the studio today.

Because we finished the script. Which I told you about already.

At which time your reaction was similarly, dishearteningly muted.

Cool, bud. See ya.



Oh, nothing.

It just doesn't seem like Gretchen's very excited about the wedding.

Edgar. As clearly evidenced by not even having time to close the front door, Gretchen is incredibly busy with important work things.

♪ Say hey ♪

♪ We go to work, work, work, work, work, work, work ♪

♪ We go to work, work, work, work, work, work, work ♪

♪ We go to work ♪

♪ If you want it, come and get it ♪

♪ We'll break you off some, we'll break you off some ♪

♪ Say yeah ♪

♪ We ain't come to play around ♪

♪ No, no, no ♪

♪ We ain't come to play around ♪

♪ No, no, no ♪

♪ If you can't take the heat ♪

♪ Then get out the kitchen ♪

♪ If you can't take the heat, then get out, get out ♪

♪ Say yeah ♪

♪ Work, work, work, come on ♪

♪ Work, work, work, yes ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah. ♪

(hold music playing)

(music stops)

- Hi.
- Hey, everybody.

Hey, guys. Sheila here.

Uh, hi, Sheila.

We just... Are we just waiting for everyone else, or...?

SHEILA: Uh, we just wanted to say you two did a great job.

Hey, Sheila, it's Edgar.

We're just a little confused.

Isn't this a notes call?

SHEILA: Yeah, it sounds like our wires got crossed.

No, we're all set. Again, amazing work.

So, then, th-the next step would be...?

SHEILA: Absolutely. Take care, guys.

(line disconnects, dial tone drones)

(disconnect chime)

No notes? Boom!

I don't know, Jimmy.

No notes isn't really a thing, remember?

I'm gonna call my agent.

Oh, no, Jimmy.

Check Deadline.

Hi, Grace.

The studio's hired Diablo Cody to adapt my book?!

But we already wrote it.

KILLIAN: They probably just kicked you a draft to keep the relationship good while you finish the other two Peach books.

Sort of how Tom gets "story by" credit on all the Reachers.

Oh, guess I haven't seen you in a while, huh?

My dad sobered up and found religion for us.

Now I get to wear this cool sailor's costume, and I live in a room above a GameStop on Sunset with four other children.

I left word.

Hey, you know what I just caught on cable?

Jack Reacher.

It's really good.

You should tell people it's good.

Can I count on you to tell people it's good, Jimmy?

Another great living novelist felled by the studio system,

Like F. Scott Fitzgerald or Chuck Palahniuk.

How utterly cliché.

Well, at least my better half is still gainfully employed.


You got the sh1t?

Why can't I meet you somewhere normal?

Hit me with the hot work goss.

It turns out, Mike's cat actually has hemorrhoids.

Debbie took a header coming out of the bathroom.

(both laugh)

Yvette's still a giant bitch for firing you.

- How's Toilet?
- How would I know?

He's great. Okay?

Gretch, I can't keep doing this. I think these papers you're making me steal may be important.

If they were so important, why are they in the trash?

Jimmy's never once looked at your work stuff.

Why do you need Caliber papers to make him believe you weren't canned?

I can't let him know I am losing it right before the wedding.

I'll tell him after.

Divorce is so much paperwork.

He'll never get around to that sh1t.

Stupid Yvette.

I mean, who fires someone right before their wedding?

You know what?

I am going to march in there and chew her ass out for you.

Plus, it's only four episodes, so we can probably watch it all tonight.

(gasps) Ooh. Let's order Thai.

(panting): Okay. Hey.

You know what else we should do?

- Rehire Gretchen.
- What?

Hey, where'd your butt go?

I understand that Gretchen is your friend, but she royally screwed up.

Did she, though?

She set off a fire alarm to avoid disappointing one of her clients.

That is insane.

I feel like you're upset.

So what color curry should we get tonight?

Yellow? Red? Blue?

- (chuckles)
- Something came up.

Just now?

(quietly): Okay.

(phone chimes, vibrates)

(whimpering sob)

My own creation, ripped from my heaving bosom.

- No!
- (phone chimes, vibrates)

Edgar, be a dear and answer this, will you?

Whoever it is won't stop calling, and I'm far too distressed to synthesize any sort of cogent thought.

Jimmy's phone. This is Edgar.

- (paper rips)
- Uh-huh, hold on.

The caterer wants to know if you want red or white quinoa in the farro salad.


We'll get back to you.

(phone beeps off)

I'm gonna ask Gretchen.

(keys beeping)

(phone rings)

Caliber PR.

Uh, hi. Gretchen Cutler's office, please?

(clears throat)

You are hearing this prepared statement because you called for Gretchen Cutler, whose employment was terminated immediately upon the incident on the th.

If Ms. Cutler has personally injured or assaul...

I left word.


- (lullaby plays softly)
- Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

(quietly): Good girl.

(lullaby continues)

Time for sleepies.

You get some sleep, okay? Good night.

(Tallulah whimpering)


Hey, you want to help me find a new apartment?

Bec and I talked Paul into springing for a sweet Airbnb.

"For the baby." Oops.

I'm supposed to do the quotes in my head.

- I have a secret.
- Hell, yeah.

Love secrets. Lay it on me.

I'm a lesbian now.

That's, uh...


- That's amazing.
- (exhales)

I am so honored that you would trust me with this. Come here.


You outed yourself to the right hombre.

I'm sort of a lezbo expert.

Not 'cause I'm cranked up by the idea of two ladies smushing their titties and boxes together and whatnots,

- but on account of my two moms.
- Your what, now?

Me being born dead was mad stressful on my folks.

I survived, but their marriage didn't.

But it was a stealth blessing

'cause it turns out my mom is super gay.

And you turned out like this?

Right. That's why I'm so mad f*cking sensitive.

I like Yvette so much.

I've never felt this way about anyone, not even Dave Navarro.

Plus, I've never dated a woman, so I don't know if I'm doing any of this right.

Okay. Let's run through your relaish right quick.

- Oh.
- (grunts)

- When was your last hike?
- Never.

Which Costco do you guys belong to together?

- None.
- Have you seen Fun Home?

- Huh?
- How many flannels do you own?

- Uh...
- Which Subaru have you test-driven?

- Zero.
- How much did you donate

- to NPR last year?
- What's NPR?

What's your favorite Tegan and Sara album?

- Who?
- Has she made you a chili?

- What?
- A chili... beans, meat, a tomato base.

- A chili, goddamn it.
- We haven't made a chili.

That's it!

You need to do something to let her know that you're serious about being a lesbian.

(insects chirping)

(exhales) Three, two...

- AUDIENCE: Wheel of Fortune!
- (sighs)

Home just in time for Wheel.

Pretty impressive how I have my commute timed so perfectly, huh, Jimbo?


Another crazy one at work today.

You know, Debbie, from accounting?

She ate sh1t coming out of the bathroom.

Really f*cked herself up. Super funny.

Also, Mike's cat's butt exploded.

(Jimmy moaning)

JIMMY: Don't you want to know what's wrong?

Of course.

I was essentially fired off my own movie, only to be rewritten by Diablo Cody. Diablo Cody.

- Juno.
- I do know.

Ever since, I've been in a depressive spiral.

I hope that you can still love me through this.

There, there, bud.

It'll be okay.

You know, I really underestimated the amount of psychic pain that depression can inflict.

This really puts your past flare-ups into context.

It really does.


♪ Got a issue, got a issue, better leave it ♪

♪ I don't really say it unless I mean it ♪

♪ Magazines ain't here for reading ♪

♪ 'Cause now these... f*cking with the meanest ♪

♪ Since a youngin', I've been going f*cking hammer ♪

♪ Don't believe me? Ask my motherfucking nana ♪

♪ She'll tell you I've been crazy since pajamas ♪

♪ Everybody in my crew go bananas ♪

♪ Burn said kill it, I said why not? ♪

♪ Aim it through the alley, that's a tight shot ♪

♪ Bitch, pussy good, that's a tight shot ♪

♪ Too bad that my heart... ♪

EDGAR: Hey, Gretchen.

Hello there.

How are you?

So good.

Work is B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

Debbie from accounting died, so there's a cake for that later.

And my assistant Mike's cat has a robot butt.

You know, cool work stuff.


All right.

See ya.

JIMMY: ♪ The bells are ringing ♪

♪ For me and my gal ♪

♪ The birds are singing ♪

♪ For me and my gal ♪

♪ Everybody been knowing ♪

♪ To a wedding we're goin'. ♪


I've done it. I bested my depression.

Gretchen, I gazed into the eye of the great void and I said, "Nay, you shan't take me today, void."

(chuckles): Hmm.

Sorry for being such a bummer yesterday.

It was really quite selfish of me to burden you with my sadness like that.

- No worries.
- And now I wholly empathize with your experience of depression.

I'm just glad those dark days are behind us.

- Anyways, I really got to get to...
- I am gonna seize this glorious day to take care of manifold wedding tasks.

I can't believe we're getting married in four days.

Same. (whoops)

I'm also gonna take my tux to get pressed.

Would you like me to take your dress, as well?

Don't worry, I won't peek at it.

- Actually, I don't have one.
- What's that?

No dress, homeboy. I've been busy.

Work. Got to go, so busy.

Debbie go boom, cat butt turn for worse.


(door opens, closes)


Remind the DA that while Lil' Reba claims in every interview to be "moving bricks," she's nine years old.

Then leak to the source that Reba is quote:

"Hard as sh1t and has been flipping packs since she was six."

Okay? Uh, yes, and...

Let me call you back.

Lindsay, please. I really don't have

- time for your...
- Ta-da.

Oh, dear God.

I really like you, Yvette.

I want to go hiking to Costco with you and buy chili stuff.

Let's make a chili.

Did you seriously think that putting on some lesbian minstrel show would convince me to... what?

I don't even know what you want.


- I want you.
- You're not gay.

Not to mention the fact that you had an agenda to get Gretchen hired back.

That's not true! We squished boxes before you fired Gretchen.

Don't hire her back; I don't care.

I'm sorry, Lindsay.

Okay, you're right, maybe I am trying hard but that's because I love you so quit the bullshit and tell me you love me back or I'll stab you, you f*cking c**t.

You know what?

You're fired.

You can't fire me.

There are literal hours of security footage of you stealing confidential documents from the shred bin.

You mean the locked trash?

You also just threatened to stab me.

- I'm gonna...
- Yeah.

So what am I looking at, severance package-wise?

Just around?

- Ballpark it for me is fine.
- (scoffs)




- Yo, you got the papers?
- No, Gretchen.

I don't have your papers.

- I quit.
- What? Why?

For you, in solidarity. I thought you'd be happy.

Four days, Lindsay.

You couldn't hold on for four Goddamn more days?

No! This has gone too far.

Just tell Jimmy the truth.

If someone really loves you, they don't get mad, no matter what you tell them.

Here, watch.

I've been sleeping with Yvette.

And also, I didn't quit; she fired me.


And I ate her butt. See? No one cares.

Yvette? You were literally sleeping with the enemy!

You're not gay.

Well, I thought maybe I was for a second because I'm lost.


Changed my mind, maybe you shouldn't tell Jimmy.

Also, she wasn't the enemy.

You actually did screw up pretty bad.

You caused, like, a hundred grand worth of water damage

- to that club.
- You sound like a narc.

You're a giant narc bitch and I have somewhere to be.

- Narc.
- Well, you're a tiny bitch.

And I have nowhere to be.

And you didn't even say anything about my hair.

It's Paul hair.

What are you doing later?

I don't know! Call me!

(dogs barking, yapping)

EDGAR: Oh, hi.

Um, my friend's a klepto and I think she just stole a dog.

What? Uh... No.

(scoffs) These doggos are all up for adoption or walking. We're here every week.

You know, most people do this for the dogs, but something tells me that chick needs these walks more than the dogs do.

Some of the dogs actually get bummed when she shows up.

Like they can smell the desperation.

Just give me a dog, man.

Make it a real badass one.

(dog grunting)

(dog barking in distance)

You following me, narc?

I'm worried about you, Gretchen.

Why? I'm doing great.

Look how good I am at fetch.

(dog panting)

What were you looking for in the garbage this morning?

- Mind your own business, Edgar.
- You made it my business when you started stealing my meds.

- Meds you don't use.
- I don't use them because they were messing me up and they're prescribed to me.

Who knows what they're doing to you.

I do.

They're making life bearable.

Are you insane, monitoring me?

My parents did that and they were my parents.

And I rejected them forever for it.

You're just... you.

Like, who the f*ck are you even?

Maybe the best thing for everyone would be for you to get the hell out of our lives for good!

I know you got fired.

Please don't tell Jimmy.

Jimmy doesn't care about your job.

Edgar, I am begging you.

Don't tell Jimmy.

He will leave me again and this time, he won't be

- wrong to do it.
- Gretchen, Jesus.

I was really trying at work.

And I still blew it.

Even when I try, I fail.

I always fail.

And I can't fail with Jimmy.

I just... can't.

I won't tell him.

But don't you think you should be able to?

(softly): I'm sorry.

- (lock clicks)
- ♪ I saw you ♪

♪ Standing there... ♪

Goddamn, homey, work was straight cray again today.

But I am so stoked I made it home in time for...

(muffled): What's up, Jimmy?

(chuckling): Jimmy.

(voice quavers): What?

♪ I wonder why, oh why ♪


♪ That you were not there ♪

Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh

♪ You looked so good ♪

I got you a wedding dress.

(snaps fingers)

♪ That I stopped and I stared... ♪

What the...

Jimmy, that's exactly the dress I didn't know I needed.

How did you...?

♪ Why... ♪

Beat it.

- Can you unzip me, mister?
- (quietly): Yes, just go.

♪ That day... ♪

JIMMY: Obviously we'll have it taken in significantly.

Thank you.

♪ I looked for you... ♪

I got fired.

Oh. Well, that's okay.


Yeah, we'll figure it out.

And if not, Edgar can give us homeless advice.

(both chuckle)

Actually, I got fired, like, two weeks ago.

I've just been pretending to go to work

like some prideful Japanese businessman.

Also I stopped talking to my therapist and I've been taking a bunch of random pills.

And even though I have literally nothing to do,

I just can't bear to bring myself to do a single thing for this wedding.

Our wedding is gonna be amazing.

♪ You may not be deep ♪

Ah... ah

♪ This could happen to you, pretty baby ♪

Ooh, ooh

♪ Like it happened to me ♪

Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh.