(Where We're Going" by Gashcat playing)
Oh, lover, send me secrets Down there from the dark fume of the fire Into the garden we would walk And ball your body into wire You!
Clean that window.
MAN: Yes, sir.
This isn't a baseball game.
No, you want to present the plate aioli smear at 12:00, and for God's sake, call them servilletes.
In my history as a wedding guest, I have successfully heckled so many ceremonies, people are gonna be gunning for us today.
Thus, our nuptials must be absolutely flawless.
So, in the tradition of punching a bully to demonstrate one's gravitas, you, ma'am, are sacked.
You have been made redundant.
You are proper on the dole now.
Let that be a warning to you all.
Oh, and have fun!
I'm gonna leave you anyway I'm gonna leave you anyway Gonna leave you anyway.
Really, just jacked to sh1t.
I love you so goddamn much.
Anyfarts, what are you doing out here?
Editing my vows, but now I've pulled a thread.
It's all starting to unravel.
I did that to a sweater once.
You hear Gretchen's vows yet?
No, but I cannot wait.
You know they're gonna be so emo.
- I hope she cries so hard she vomits.
- Oh, sh1t!
- Hey, welcome, guys.
We can't see each other.
- Missed you.
- Huh, glad they're on good terms again.
- Hurry, hand it over.
- VERNON: What's he handing her?
JIMMY: I don't know.
That was weird.
Anyjunk, what's up?
Why'd you need me early?
Last-minute titty bar?
You're best man now.
Oh, my God!
JIMMY: Well, well, well.
Here comes my big apology.
Vernon, you're no longer best man.
- All right.
Let's have it.
- Let's have what?
The begging, the groveling.
Perhaps one of your signature pancakes with "sorry" spelled out in frosting.
Oh, no, I meant what I said.
I just came to bring you your rings.
I was, uh, about to text you for these.
PODCAST HOST: Katie Overholser was not the kind of girl you could ignore, so when she went missing What are you doing?
Waiting here in case you change your mind and need a quick getaway.
And it was that swiftness, with which the search for Katie began, that would, four days later, lead to her death.
You're best man again.
What a roller coaster!
It tastes so much sweeter now that it was taken away.
Your first order of business: get rid of Edgar.
(string music playing)
Perhaps you can help me.
It says I'm assigned to Table 13, but I don't see any other guests assigned to that table.
Hey, it was really nice talking on the phone last night.
It was, wasn't it?
I'm glad to see I'm not the only one here without a date.
- Oh, I'm actually
- Here you go, lover.
Keep the change.
No one ever tips at the Froyo store.
I've thought about putting a cup out, but it just feels desperate, you know?
- You brought the Froyo guy?
- I didn't want to come alone.
Anyway, I better get this Bride Fuel to Gretchen.
See you boys later.
Hey, got any errands you need done for tips?
Actually, would you see what you can find out about Table 13?
Will do, boss.
GRETCHEN: Okay, it's on.
You're going to want this moment captured forever.
Okay, come out.
Let's see it.
It's so beautiful.
I can't believe this day is finally here.
Oh, if you make me cry, I'll kill you.
I mean, think about all the men it took to get here.
- All right.
- So, so many men.
So many men that I wrote a song about it.
- (music playing)
- It's called "The Very Last Dick. "
- (music stops)
I love you, though.
Well, I love you, too.
Just a few lines?
I rhyme Horatio and fel No, no, no, no.
(man speaks indistinctly)
- It's Jimmy.
(cheering and applause)
JIMMY: There they are.
MAN: Excuse me.
WOMAN: Yeah, I'd still do him.
- Nice suit.
- Hey, how's it going?
- JIMMY: Yeah, excuse me.
- PAUL: Groom advice.
- Yeah, thank you.
Advice for the groom, excuse me.
Just know that she's never gonna change.
Lindsay sure didn't.
Well, until she wanted to plow other guys in front of me.
That was a rather seismic shift.
- Yeah, cuck, bye.
- But, hey, I have earthquake insurance.
Jimmy, never go back.
Oh, wait, that's the tagline for Jack Reacher 2.
Did you know that Tom Cruise is actually six-foot-one?
If you want to add that to your vows, Jimmy, go ahead.
: Ah I've been reading about you in the trades.
- Shame about your movie.
But you'll sell another one.
Or get staffed.
You have to, because you're marrying my daughter, which means you're responsible for her now, forever.
Yeah, unlike you.
Oh, this is great, Jimmy.
All weddings should open with alcohol times.
I got blue one and other one.
WOMAN: What happened?
WOMAN 2: I slept with my Uber driver last night.
Well, well, well.
I am so happy for the two of you.
Look, just say whatever awful thing you're gonna say.
No, I'm serious.
I think you guys are perfect for each other.
- That said - Here we go.
since you're not technically married yet, my pregnancy hormones have made me extra squishy.
- Everyone here's an alcoholic.
- SAM: Jimmy!
He's coming, he's coming, he's coming, he's coming.
- WOMAN: See?
- WOMAN 2: You're right.
What a beautiful day.
I got goose bumps already.
It reminds me of my nuptials, except, you know, less timelessly elegant.
- Uh, was I there?
Yes, yes, great event.
Listen, what did you fellas hand Gretchen this morning?
- Uh, Forever Stamps.
- Passport photo for your honeymoon.
Uh, cash, Mafia-style.
Uh, ticket to Dudamel's Mahler cycle, yeah.
She asked us for coke.
She was worried she'd get too drunk and ruin the special day.
Oh, well, phew, what a relief.
I thought it was something bad.
There you are.
The photographer needs us around back.
Did you get rid of Edgar?
It's in process.
Just get your butt out there and look pretty.
Edgar's in his car and you need to get rid of him, and I'm commandeering these on behalf of the groom.
Nothing I do today counts.
HOST: So, you were sleeping together?
- MAN: Yeah, I mean
How could she not tell the attorney that she used to date Kevin?
- Jesus, Lindsay.
What the f*ck are you doing out here in your car?
I told Jimmy not to marry Gretchen.
Jesus, you are the dumb one.
You killed the group.
MAN: That's why I didn't say anything; it was just for us.
HOST: But you knew it could be important.
Okay, now Charlie's Angels.
You have four arms!
An Officer and a Gentleman.
I'm the lady.
Weekend at Bernie's.
Right, I think we're good, yeah?
I'll take the bride and maid of honor next.
Quick, go that way so you don't run into her.
Oh, my God, Jimmy, I'd hit it.
I was never sure before, but now, yeah, I'd definitely hit it.
Someone said that Vernon was taking photos with Jimmy.
Uh, yeah, no biggie, but Vernon is Jimmy's best man now.
Ooh, let's do the Stanky Legg.
HOST: The fiber testing it failed spectacularly.
What is the D.
The cops could've dragged in those fibers on their shoes.
- (car door opens)
Most girlfriends would have tolerated you for a month maybe.
But letting you stay with him was, at times of particular assholishness, the one humanizing thing about Jimmy.
Listen, I-I never meant to I wouldn't say a word.
I really wouldn't.
And while I liked you, Edgar, the one thing I could never do was respect you.
Because the first few times it's like, "Hey, be nicer to the guy.
" But the next 2,000 times, that's on you.
That's why I'm here.
He is never going to respect you.
I'm just trying to stop him from making a mistake.
I don't even pity you anymore.
I just hate you now.
(car door opens)
HOST: And it was.
They just threw out the case.
(string music playing)
There is no Table 13.
- I don't understand.
- Seems it's an old wedding joke for someone no one wants to sit with.
Yeah, anyway, why don't we say 50 bucks?
I'll give you $200 to leave.
VERNON: All right, Ben Folds.
Ready to get your socks knocked off?
Whoa, that's delicious.
What the heck is it?
- It's called trash juice.
- Trash juice.
I knew I'd find you one day.
Ladies and gentlemen, we will be opening the doors to the main hall in 15 minutes.
Jimbo, I have a very special guest.
MILF alert, MILF alert.
It's Gretchen's mom.
Just say whatever you need to say.
It's not gonna change anything.
This was from her great-grandmother, Gretchen.
She was similarly feisty.
I'd appreciate it if you'd give it to her before the ceremony.
A word of advice, Jimmy.
The more you love Gretchen and try to take care of her, the more she'll resent you.
I really love her.
HOST: So, you and Katie were lovers?
That sounds so old-timey.
Look, Gretchen, I'm not leaving.
- Take me home, Dmitri.
I'm not your Lyft, Ben Folds.
Dang, I keep doing that.
I remember you.
You're friend with that British guy.
How do you do it?
Adult friendships are so hard to maintain.
Billy Corgan and I were really close until that year that I got the better greenroom at Weenie Roast.
He never got over that.
Point is, you're lucky.
Okay, there's my ride.
Folds out, m*therf*cker.
HOST: And then she died.
No, no, no!
I am not supposed to see you.
What are you doing in here?
You didn't write your vows?
What are you even talking about?
I have them right Oh, fine.
I had the boys help me.
You care so little about this wedding that you even farmed out your vows?
I care so much that I hired a professional.
Shitstain had his first poem in The New Yorker when he was 19.
You don't pick out the flowers, you don't get your own dress, fine.
But these, these are your vows!
They're a sacred pledge to me, and you have someone else write them?
Why do you even?
Is Edgar getting in your head?
Is that what this is about?
If what Edgar said didn't affect you, then why didn't you tell me about it?
Admit it, you normally wouldn't give two sh1ts if I didn't write my own vows.
You're looking for an excuse.
I've been so busy justifying your lack of participation that I've ignored what you've been trying to tell me:
- you don't want to get married.
- I'm not well!
You can't use that as an excuse here.
- Your mom was right.
- Do not bring up my mom!
There's a part of you that will resent me forever if I marry you.
You hate constraints, and that is what I will forever be.
- This is insane!
- Do you want to marry me?
- I am here, aren't I?
- You're still not saying it.
I'm in a dress!
My mom is here.
Say "I want to marry you.
" Stop bullying me!
I want to marry you!
I want to marry you.
Goddamn it, Gretchen.
(crying): Well I-I don't think that I want to marry you.
- You okay?
- It's an ambush.
I've been ambushed.
Gretchen I know.
I should have told you.
What, you knew?
I'm sorry, Jimmy, but I think it's time you guys talked.
They didn't tell you I'd be here.
Listen, I don't How's New York?
Lots of triggers, but I'm adapting.
I'm sorry for what I did back then.
- I'm sorry.
- You should be.
It was inconceivably abhorrent.
But you were proved right.
It took me a while to admit it, but it was, ultimately, a rather brave and selfless act.
It wasn't selfless.
It was the only way I could get away from you.
S-So, how are you?
Oh, really good.
I'm adapting a murder podcast.
- Yeah, it's (sighs)
taken years to work out the rights, but I'm interviewing some writers while I'm in town.
Well, I would throw my hat in the ring, but I'm busy writing Depth.
You know, I read Height.
Man, those Victorians were messed up.
- So much spanking.
Ah, you don't know the half of it.
- You don't talk to me.
It's been long enough.
Besides, haven't you learned by now that I'm always right?
Leave Uncle Edgar alone, baby.
You already caught him.
- Pick me up, Daddy.
- Yes, Miss Bossypants.
You met behind my back?
I conned Edgar into playing tiger with Felicity.
MARIAH: Come on, Wormy.
Let's go find the appetizers.
Uh, the florist who essed Jimmy's dee?
And it got all possible sexual tension off the table forever, thus the perfect nanny.
No danger of Afflecking here.
PAUL: There they are.
What the hell are you guys all doing out here?
You can't miss our first dance.
I mean, our second first dance.
Paul took lessons.
I'm all prepared
- to do the Lindsay Hop.
- (both laugh)
Or perhaps I'll save that particular move for tonight.
I don't know what you're saying.
We'll be right there.
I love you.
- EDGAR: Hey, wait up.
- PAUL: Ooh, we met Jimmy Fallon You mad?
Though I suppose that dead little heart of yours
- was in the right place.
- How'd it go with the house?
Well, it's officially not ours anymore.
Oh, I'm sorry, bud.
But you know it was a death trap for kids.
How was your hotel?
You were right.
I couldn't get through a month without drinking.
But I did get digits.
Mama's still got it.
Oh, we should probably go in.
Watch Paul and Lindsay make the same mistake twice.
First I'm gonna shake all the presents.
They ripped off our non-wedding venue, they owe me a food processor.
Forgot my lighter.
I'll be right in.
I see Katie's parents, but they won't look at me.
The mood is tense.
The judge enters.
The jury enters, looking tired, ragged.
The forewoman Mary Elizabeth stands.
Damn it, Jimmy.
FOREWOMAN: We, the jury, find the defendant
Let me clear some space for you.
It's not gonna be that easy to leave me this time.
You knew who I was.
That's all you have to say?
That you're damaged?
I'm getting straight into Edgar's car.
He's not here anymore, I m*therf*cker!
I tried to write my vows.
Many times, I tried with all of this and I failed.
Mine are just as phony.
Writing them, I couldn't imagine myself up there saying these things, so I wrote them as a character.
Writing to his future bride.
A character named Samantha.
Sammy to friends.
I had to pretend to be someone who wants to take care of someone in sickness and health.
False concepts like "forever," "eternity," "until death.
" Who wants to lie in front of everyone they know that they're gonna love someone forever?
How can you know that?!
I feel like we're not going back inside.
You've been saying all along that we might change.
Well, can you really promise that your feelings won't change 40 years from now?
20 years from now?
Five years from now?
This ceremony is a fiction.
It's a false guarantee that protects us from exactly nothing.
It's an opiate.
It's a lie.
You were right.
I know I was.
So, instead of making these giant, fake, impossible-to-live-up-to pledges, what the f*ck are we gonna do?
What do you want, Jimmy?
(seat belt clicks)
FOREWOMAN: Not guilty.
(gallery gasping on podcast)
Oh, my God, that is insane.
I can't find them.
You have to do something.
I couldn't help but overhear.
Jimmy might have gotten cold feet?
I don't know, maybe.
Well, the prospect of marriage can be very daunting.
Did you have dauntings about marrying me?
No way, Jose.
VERNON: Hello, everyone.
Best Man Vernon here.
I don't want anyone to lose their sh1t, but we can't find the bride or groom.
That really can only mean one thing.
Jimmy and Gretchen are likely dead or have been in a horrible accident, so starting to picture a life without them is probably a smart move at this point!
Sorry about that, everybody.
Vernon is not good in stressful situations.
- I'm so not!
Everything is fine.
(phones clacking, text messages whooshing)
The best thing to do at a moment like this
(phones clacking, messages whooshing)
is to listen to a song I wrote.
For the bride.
(jazzy music plays)
There's Gregory at South By Justin with the abs Peter and Ruben from Foot Locker There's Eugene from the deaf school And Dylan, who sold coke And don't forget that singer from Spin Doctors Bryce, who was weirdly loud Mike, who was well-endowed If far longer than thick Quite possibly piled up Couldn't beat The very last dick.
(phones ringing, buzzing)
- So we're not getting married.
- But we're not breaking up.
So what are we going to do?
Every day we choose.
I don't want to be with you because I made a promise to be with you.
I want to be with you because I want to be with you.
So every day we wake up, we look at each other and say, "Today, again I choose you.
" Until maybe one day we don't.
You know I love the idea of always having one foot out the door.
We don't declare anything.
Gretchen, every day I will make the choice to love you.
And love you I will.
That one day.
Because I choose to.
I really like it.
I'm sorry you didn't get your wedding.
We got photos of me looking fly as hell, that's really all that matters.
You know the one thing I do regret?
All the money we wasted?
Leaving everyone in the lurch?
Not getting the chance to see Paul wandering around, looking for his table all night?
Leaving behind all those gifts.
I already texted Vernon to load up the car with them.
God, I love you.
("Nothing" by Jennifer Sawdon playing)
Just think of the times You do nothing
Fading back into the night No, nothing's gonna wake me now Far away from what we are Hold me up into the light Get back to where we started out Find a way up in the sky Bring back the fever again.
("No Children" by The Mountain Goats playing)
I hope that our few remaining friends Give up on trying to save us I hope we come off with a fail-safe plot To piss off the dumb few that forgave us I hope the fences we mended Fall down beneath their own weight And I hope we hang on past the last exit I hope it's already too late And I hope the junkyard a few blocks from here Someday burns down And I hope the rising black smoke carries me far away And I never come back to this town again In my life I hope I lie And tell everyone you were a good wife And I hope you die I hope we both die I hope I cut myself shaving tomorrow I hope it bleeds all day long Our friends say it's darkest before the sun rises We're pretty sure they're all wrong I hope it stays dark forever I hope the worst isn't over And I hope you blink before I do I hope I never get sober And I hope, when you think of me Years down the line, you can't find One good thing to say And I'd hope that, if I found the strength To walk out, you'd stay the hell out of my way I am drowning, there is no sign of land You are coming down with me Hand in unlovable hand And I hope you die I hope we both die.
Hey, you know that there's always a possibility that some day I might leave my phone and keys at home and step in front of a train.
You know that, right?
But I'll move on really quickly.
("Ten Things" by Paul Baribeau playing)
Name ten things you want to do before you die And then go do them Name ten places you really want to be before you die And then go to them Name ten books you want to read before you die And then go read them Name ten songs you want to hear again before you die Get all your friends together and