01x02 - The Bicycle Thief

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Modern Family". Aired: September 2009 to April 2020.
"Modern Family" follows three different, but related families as they give us an honest and often hilarious look into sometimes warm, sometimes twisted, embrace of the modern family.
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01x02 - The Bicycle Thief

Post by bunniefuu »

What's the key to being a great dad?

That's a tough one.

Giving them the freedom to be whatever they want to be...

Right, exactly, and --

...Wha pilot, a president...

Me And for us, what we're gonna --

...Of a company or of a country.


Well, be their buddy.

That's your answer?

And stay in school.


And don't do drugs.


Just give me the answer.

Oh, god.

Still thinking.




Oh, okay.

Hi, um...

This is my husband, phil.


And that's my son, luke, right there.

This is...


Desiree -- right.


Desiree just moved in down the block.

Fun. Where?


Oh, the two-bedroom cottage With the indoor/outdoor family room.

Very good.

How did you --

Bet you're loving that steam shower.

Phil, that's creepy.

Oh, sorry.


I'm a real-estate mogul.

What?! No, I am a real-estate agent.

Um, we caravanned that house.

Great, uh, deck.


I'm just there till my divorce is final.

Now, who is coconuts enough to dorce you?

We got to go, but we'll see yoaround.

Well, we'll have to have you over sometime.

I'd love it.

All right.



She's awesome.

No, we are never having her over.

I heard she already slept with two dads from the school.




Luke: Dad!

Watch out.

Oh, watch it, buddy.


I'm sorry.

That still looks like a girl's bike.

Well, we'll add more black tape.

Phil: My son has been riding his sister's old bike.

Until he's responsible enough To take care of his own bike.

Look, he spilled a soda on my computer.

He ruined our digital camera taking pictures of himself underwater.

It's a girl's bike.

I'm all for teaching him a lesson, But I worry about the ridicule he might get From some loudmouth bully.

[horn honks]

[laughing] hey.

Nice bike, sally.


Come on. He looks like little bo peep on that thing.

Actually, not for long.

He's getting a new bike this afternoon.

I am?


He is?

Phil: Sometimes a man's gotta put his foot down And do what a man's gotta do.

And if the old lady don't like it...


...That's too damn bad.

Mitchell: Yes!

Who's excited, huh?

Cam, come on. Hurry up.

We're gonna be late.

It's a toddler play class, not a flight to cabo.

We're gonna be judged enough as the only gay parents there.

I don't want to be the late ones, too.


Paisley and pink.

Was there something wrong with the fishnet t*nk top?

Obviously not --

I'm wearing it underneath.


Just chill, please.

I'm sorry. I just want to make a good first impression.

You mean you want to fit in and not terrify the villagers?

No, hey, come on.

Today is about lily, all right?

We -- her future best friend might be in that class, And I don't want to rub anyone the wrong way.

Can you please just...

Change your shirt?


You know what?

I'll just go put on a pair of khakis, maybe a polo shirt, And everybody will think We're a couple straight golfing buddies Who just decided to have a kid together.

Hey, I called that place in napa And got us upgraded to a villa with a hot tub, So pack whatever you wear in a hot tub.


I usually wear nothing when I'm in a hot tub.

Neralmente no uso nada and my college roommate's wife just had to get a new hip.

[laughing] sucker.

Manny's father is taking him for a couple of days to disneyland, So we're gonna go...

To the wine country!

We're gonna drink some wine, eat some good food.

You know, we would do something like this a lot more often If it sn't for, you know, manny.

It's good.

He keeps us grounded.


Like fog at airport.

Limo gets here at 4:00.

This morning, I thought I'd go over to the club, hit a few balls.

No! What about the fan in manny's room?

Oh, yeah.

Call a guy.

No! You're supposed to do it with him.

It's important that we teach him how to do things for himself.

In my culture, men take great pride in doing physicalabor.

I know. That's why I hire people from your culture.


You're snny!

I'm gonna share that one with my next husband When we're spending all your money.

Dad, this is the coolest bike ever.


So, listen, buddy.

Certain members of this family Don't think you can take care of this bad boy.

U mean mom?

Your words, not mine.

Look, uh, your mom and I are a team, And she -- we feel like this is a chance For you to show some responsibility.

Don't make us look like jerks here.

I won't.


One more rule.


Have, like, three buttloads of fun.

Thanks, dad.

So, let's do this.

Okay, but I need to be done by 3:00.

That's when my dad's picking me up.

Hey, if we're not done by 3:00, I'm gonna tie a noose on this thing.

Gloria: In colombia, there's a saying --

If you have two stubborn burros that don't like each other, You tie them to the same cart.

The ceiling fan is the cart.

My dad's takg me on space mountain.

It's supposed to be really fast, but he's not scared of anything.

He d't even wear a seat belt when he drives.


How about that?

He k*lled a bear once.

Really? Was the bear sitting in the passenger seat?

Read me the instructions.

"safety tips.

Warning. To reduce the risk of electrical shock --"

We can skip that.

Uh, "failure to heed these warnings Can lead to serious injury or death --"

You know, you worry too much.

You know that.

Nobody's gonna get shocked.

One time, my dad was struck by lightning.

That's why he can drink as much as he wants.

Jay: Manny thinks his dad is like superman.

The truth?

He's a total flake.

In fact, the only way he's like superman Is that they both landed in this country illegally.

[music playing]

Mitchell: I can't believe I'm so nervous.

They're gonna love us.

Let's just be ourselves.

Or a slightly toned-down version of ourselves.


I j-- I just don't want this To become an episode of "the cam show."

Oh, my gosh, people love "the cam show." yes, I know.

You watch "the cam show."

I do watch it.

It's appointment viewing.




Are you here for toddler time?

Yes, I-I'm mitchell, This is cameron, and this here is lily.

Oh, well, welcome.

We're all over here taking turns blowing bubbles.

Oh, well, how nice for...

The babies.



This is gonna be really difficult.

Phil: 10 minutes after making a promise to me, He leaves his bike unlocked.

All I can hear is claire's voice in my head --


"he's not responsible.

You never should have given him a bike."

[normal voice] I know.

I do a pretty good claire.

So I decided to teach him a lesson And let him think his bike was stolen.

Now, I know that sounds kind of rough, But sometimes it's a dad's job to be the tough guy.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

On your left.

My left, your right.

Everyone, we have a new family joining us today.

I'm, uh, I'm mitchell, and I am a lawyer.

I-I'm cameron, and I'm currently not working, Which gives me more time to grill And sh**t baskets and --

And this is lily.

Okay, we're gonna start with the hello dance, And then we're gonna move on to blocks and finger painting, And then we're gonna do our family dance.

All right, who wants to start us off?

Dance us in, p.J.!

[music playing]

She's adorable.

Oh, thank you.

7 months?

Uh, 8.

Oh! Is she grabbing or scooting yet?

Y-yes, absolutely.

I mean, when she's not grabbing, She is -- she is scootin'.


Danielle: Dance us in, tyler!

[gasps] are you ready?

Okay, here we go!



Cam, lily is not grabbing or scooting yet.

Well, she's not doing it yet, but she will eventually.

No, a lot of these other kids, they're...

They're grabbing.

I-I just...

Here, lily, look at the -- look at the block, huh?

Grab the block, lily.

Grab the "h."

Dance us in, lily!

Okay, I got this.

Cam, just --

Yes, I know -- tamp down my natural gifts And dance like a straight guy.

No slapping your own butt.

But that's how I make my horsey go.



Thank you.

That was very good.

I feel dirty.

Oh, hey.

Hey! Hi!


Hi, uh, this is really embarrassing, But I locked myself out of my house.

Oh, tsh! I do it all the time.

Don't be embarrassed.


I was -- I was hoping you could help me.

There's a window open, but I can't reach it.

Would you mind?

Yeah, sure.

Great. Yeah..

Of course. [chuckles] you know what they say --

Every time god closes a door, he opens a window.

Or I guess ithis case, every time he locks you out.

Okay, what do we got here?

I mean, am I attracted to her?


Would I ever act on it?

No. No way.

Not while my wife is still alive.

Are you sure I can't get you something to drink?

Yeah, no, I'm -- I'm fine, really.

If I knew a man was gonna climb into my bedroom window, I would have cleaned up a bit.

Are you kidding me?

It smelled great in there, like lotions and oils.

For...Dry skin and, you know, calloused hands.


It's a candle.


What's wrong?

The bike's gone.

Oh, no.

Can I help you find it?

That's all right.

Thank you.


Thank you!
So, to teach him a lesson, I took his bike, And then -- crazy thing --

I put it down for one minute, And someone swiped it from me.

Maybe that was your dad teaching you a lesson.




Any chance I could get a break on this one?

I can throw in a bell.


For $5.

No, sir.

So, you want to go for the insurance this time, Or is it still for suckers?

Ha ha!

Got me again.

Well played, milord.

I will take some insurance.

Thank you.

Gloria: What's going on in there?

Manny: That's not step 4.

Don't worry about it.

Well, it says right here that --

That's worrying about it.

I thought you guys might need a drink.

Oh, you have no idea.

Manny, mi amor, I have to go get some stuff for our trip.

Ay, but have some fun with your father, okay?

And I'll see you Monday.


Makes me so happy to see my two boys working together.

Jay shocked himself twice.

Okay, manny.

Well, I warned him.

Yep, he's been a big help.

Look at you two with your private jokes already.

You're a regular salazar and el oso.


It's a very big comedy team in colombia.

El oso is always hitting salazar in the head Headder and things, And sometimes they wear dresses.


They make you laugh, but they also make you think.

"you blew it.

You made me look bad."

No, "you made your mother and I look bad.

We are a team."

Luke, you in there?

Luke: Hey, dad.


Hey, buddy.

[video game beeping]

That was, uh, that was pretty fun today, huh, Gettin' a new bike?

Yeah, it was awesome.

So, uh, what happened after I took off?

Anything you want to share with me?

Not really.

So if I went out to the garage To take a picture for the scrapbook, There'd be no surprises?

I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean it.

I just made a mistake.

Yeah, a big mistake!

You're making me look really bad here.

I told mom you were ready for this.

It's just a scratch, dad.

That's not the point, luke -- what?

I scratched it on my way into the driveway.

I'm sorry.

So...It's not stolen?

No. Why?

That's good, 'cause...

There are bad people out there who would steal a bike.

Those are thieves.

You sit there and think about the scratch part.

That's not good, either.

[crack] gonna fix that step.

So don't scratch anything while I'm gone.

Unless it itches -- that's different.

The good news is, luke has his bike.

More good news --

I taught some random kid a valuable lesson By stealing his bike.

Best news -- claire knows nothing.

So, I figure I'll just dump the new bike Where I stole the first bike.

That way, random kid gets his back, And this new bike doesn't rais a lot of embarrassing questions, Like why I had it Or who boosted who through a bedroom window.

So, everybods happy.


Oh, son of a --

You gave me the wrong screwdriver.

Maybe you're just using it wrong.

My dad's great with tools.

He can get the wheels off a car in less than a minute.

Just get me to wine country.

Just get me to wine --

Ooh. Oh!



I think my arm is broken.


It's not broken.

How do you know?

You don't know anything!

You have no concern for safety.

Because it didn't hit you that hard.

Why don't you just say it?

You don't want me around.

You know what?

Right now, I don't.

I don't want to be with you, either.

I'm gonna go wait for my dad.

[mockingly] oh, but -- but if you leave, How will I ever finish?

You know what?

I wish you never married my mom.

I hate living here.

You think I like this arrangement?

I got a two-seater parked in the driveway.

[laughs] I mean, I don't understand.

Why are you trying to sneak around and hide things from me?

I actually think it's pretty funny.

You do?

I do, yes.

I mean, you steal a bike from some poor kid And then the bike gets stolen from you --

That's hilarious.

[laughs] classic me, right?

Yeah! So, where were you when it got stolen?

Oh, I was getting some gas.



You don't stand near the car when you get gas?

Yep, but, uh, I went inside To get a soda because I was thirsty, And if I had a sod I wouldn't be thirsty anymore, So I bought one, and then I drank it all right there, Which is why I don't have the can.

Well, honey, please, Let's try to remember that I'm your wife, not your mom, So in the future, you don't need to hide things from me, okay?



Ohh! Oh, yeah!

You get back here, you!

Claire: What are you doing, phil?

I just love you so darn much!

I know, I love you, too, but that hurts.

Let's get you inside.

It is a hot one.


I know.

That's hurting a lot.

This is a hot one.

Hello! Hi, there!

Oh, hi!

Hi, again.

I, uh, found your bike.


Oh, good! You -- the -- at the gas station?

No, at my house.

One of my neighbors saw it and put it in my garage When you were in my bedroom, so...

Classic me?

Come on, honey, grab the block.

See, like did.

You got to do that.

You got to grab it like him.

So, you seen any m-movies lately?

Uh, yeah.

You know, my husband and I just rented, uh, "mamma mia,"

Which I liked, but...

I don't know that meryl streep was the right choice.

What did you think?

Cameron: Excuse me --

Meryl streep could play batman and be the right choice.

She's perfection, Whether she's divorcing kramer, whether she's wearing prada.

Don't even get me started on "sophie's choice."

I get emotional thinking about it.

She couldn't forgive herself.


I guess she was okay.

Really? Ugh.

Ugh, ugh, ugh.

Mitchell: Grab the block, sweetheart.

You're not even interested in it.

Danielle: Is henry stacking?

Good job, henry!

Good job!

♪ q, r, s ♪
♪ t, u, v ♪
♪ w, x, y, and z ♪
♪ now I know my... ♪

Whoa, lily!

Oh, not so high!


That is a big moment for her.


Would you like a videotape?

Uh, you know, I don't --

I don't know If I can actually get her to do it again, so...

Well, we tape all of our classes.

We don't like parents bringing cameras in.

It takes them out of the moment.

I'll get you a copy after class.

That's super. Yeah.

Thank you.

Mitchell: Cam. Cam, let's go.

I-I don't know what's happened to me, But I just stole a baby's intellectual property.


You'll see it tonight on the news.

Let's just go.

Danielle: Oh, look who's here --

Anton and scott!

Hi! Sorry we're late!

Scott: Don't look at me --

The eye candy here can't leave the house Without spending 20 minutes in front of the mirror.


Are you kidding me?

I am so sorry.

Look at those queens.

I would have k*lled with this crowd, But you had to clip my wings, Which you used to be the wind beneath.

I know. I'm sorry.

This class has turned me into a complete monster.

I'm -- I just --

I'll make it up to you.

Let's just go.

Okay, it's time for parents dance!

Everybody dance for your baby!

[dance music plays]

You want to do it, don't you?

I do.

I want to dance for my baby.

[sighs] all right, go on, get in there.

You sure?

Make that horsey move.

Go ahead.

[all cheering]

Oh, I think I hurt myself.

[telephone rings]



Hey, javier.

Manny's waiting for you outside.


Why not?

Hold that thought.

His son's sitting on a curb, waiting to go to disneyland, And superman can't drag himself away from a craps table.

And I'm the jerk.

Say, listen...

I, uh...

Sorry, but I got some bad news.


Your dad couldn't make it.

Why not?

The plane was full, And this old lady needed to get home, So he gave up his seat.

You're making that up, aren't you?


He just didn't want to come.

Are you kidding me?

He was very upset.

He was dying to see you.

In fact, look what he sent.

A limo?


He wanted me and your mom to take you to disneyland.

I told you he was an awesome dad.

Yeah, he's a prince.

Let me see...

Okay, the key to being a good dad?

Look, sometimes things work out just the way you want.

Race you to the end.

That is not a good idea...

For you.

Sometimes they don't.

You got to hang in there...

Because when all is said and done... 90% of being a dad --

Just showing up.


That's my bike!


I don't, uh...


I was giving it back!

[voice breaking] she couldn't forgive herself.


She had to choose.

And I think because now I have --

We have -- we have l--

We have lily, It's so hard to imagine being put in that position.

If I had to choose lily or mitchell, I mean, I would choose l--

I don't know!

I just -- I don't know!

I don't know!

I don't know!
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