02x20 - Someone to Watch Over Lily

[bunniefuu]

Want some coffee?

Say yes.

It's French press.

I was doubtful, too, but I honestly can't see myself going back to drip.

I'm so happy you don't live in a tough neighborhood anymore.

We're so sorry for just dropping by like this.

Are you kidding me?

I'll take any chance to spend time with this little princess.

I love her little hair, her little toes.

And she loves her grandmother.

I don't love "grandmother."

So, Cam and I have been revising our will to specify who should take care of Lily if, God forbid, something happened to us.

God forbid.

I said "God for... "

So, we've been dropping by unannounced to, you know, casually assess our candidates.

Not all of our candidates.

No, t... that's true.

We did not drop by Missour-ah.

It's "Missouri." No one from Missouri would say "Missour-ah."

I'm so sorr-ah.

So, anyway, Claire and Phil were our first thought, so we dropped by their place last week.

[Glass shatters]

You win the award for worst mother ever!

I will be sure to thank you in my speech!

Phil, the frying pan's on fire!

Son of Jor-El!

Everybody stay calm!

Dad, I'm gonna teach myself how to juggle.

Good for you, buddy.

Mom!

No one heard me screaming?!

I've been trapped in the garage for like 20 minutes!

And yet still you didn't get the rat traps I sent you for.

Oh!

Thank you.

Honey, it's doing it again!

Come on, now!

Every morning?!

[Smoke alarm beeping]

Haley: I hope the whole house burns down!

Did we come at a bad time?

Come back in seven years and five months, when they're all gone!

So, mama, you're good for coal?!

Okay, okay!

Well, you bundle up!

We don't want to lose you!

Okay. Yeah, bye!

[chuckles]

They're in the middle of a terrible blizzard.

So you shouted!

Did they really lose two cows?

Oh, yeah, frozen solid.

Mama's gonna send pictures.

Oh, yay, a reason to stop by the frame store.

Manny, I got to get you down to that sporting-goods place.

Got to get him some stuff for his weekend outing.

Ready!

Did you pee?

Not ready.

Jay, would you mind if we came?

Sure, why not?

You know, I'd like to get mama some snowshoes...

You know, to lift her spirits, what with all the frozen cows and all.

So, cows freeze now?

Are we all just accepting that?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Jay, this one time...

We'll take two cars.

If you want, I can stay with the little princess.

Oh, that... that's a great idea.

Oh, yeah, I'll just... I'll just go out and get her bag.

Maybe I can take her to the mall, buy her a new outfit, get her some hair rings...

Is that okay?

Yes, yes, of course.

Um, you know, Gloria, Cam and I were talking about what would happen to Lily if anything were ever to happen to us, and we were thinking...

Oh, my God. ¡sí, sí, sí! I take her!

Okay, well, that's very sweet, but you realize it would only happen...

I can't wait!

Okay, well, hopefully, it's a long sh*t.

Ay, a little girl!

There would have to be a very tragic accident.

I know, I know.

[clicks tongue]

Nothing is going to happen.

Oh.

But if it did, we would be so happy!

[Giggles] ¡Ay!

So, what do you say, pal?

I got to swing by the office.

You want to come along?

Can't.

We got some stuff to do.

What?

Just errands.

Oh.

I'm taking Luke to see a child psychologist.

This is something that Phil would never agree to.

He's doesn't want Luke to feel... different.

But Luke's grades aren't great, and he's having trouble concentrating in school.

I just want to make sure that he's... normal.

Luke: Hey, mom, check it out.

What are you doing?

If I move my head fast enough, it looks like the can is standing still.

'Cause sometimes I wonder.

Phil: But all the girls at work love it when I bring Luke by, especially that receptionist Heather, right, buddy?

She smells amazing.

Mm. Well, honey, you're gonna have to smell daddy's receptionist some other time.

Like peaches.

If you're both going out, who's taking me to cello?

One time, she gave me a Woody.

Sweet Je...

She remembered he's my favorite character from "Toy Story."

She did.

Uh... Haley, how are you getting to the mall?

Uh, Gabby's picking me up.

Okay, you're gonna drop your sister off at her cello lesson first.

No way. She plays lacrosse and takes cello lessons.

Even my reputation can't handle that dork hit.

Okay, well, then you don't need to go snowboarding with your friends on break.

[Sighs]

Fine, I'll take her.

Just never look my friends in the eye, and only speak in emergencies.

Got it.

Ah! Already failed.

Honey, after I go by the office, maybe we can grab some lunch.

Oh, I can't. I got to pick up all that stuff for the school trip.

But you know what?

I'll see you tonight at dad and Gloria's.

Okay.

Smell Heather for me.

I always do... not.

[Spoon rattles]

Ms. Dunphy?

Hi, Dr. Klausner.

I am so sorry we're late.

We just got a little bit caught up in...

Oh, no, it's okay.

It's okay.

It gave me a chance to chat with your husband.

Hello, Claire.

So, Luke, come on in with me.

Mom and dad, we'll let you know when we need you.

Go get 'em, pal.

How did you...

How did I what?

Know you were someplace you left no trace of except for a tiny notation in your calendar?

It was quite simple, really.

I noticed a tiny nota...

sh**t.

That's weird.

My cello teacher's car's in here.

I wonder if she's not home.

Okay, so go knock on the door, Alan Einstein.

Don't leave.

And it's "Albert."

I know. Alan's his dorky brother who played the cello.

Good one.

[both laugh]

I should probably not be telling you this.

What?

Nothing. It's really bad.

[Gasps] Tell me.

When you and Dylan were broken up, Rachel told him you were a skank and got all up on him.

No!

But she's so nice to me.

To your face.

That's how she plays.

Well, now she's gonna see how we play.

What are we gonna do?

She's not there. You're just gonna have to take me home.

We don't have time.

We have stuff to do.

Then I'm just gonna have to come with you.

Can't we just drop her off at a coffee shop or something?

What, so she gets kidnapped and I get in trouble?

No, thank you.

Okay, fine, you can come with us, but you have to keep your mouth shut about anything you see.

What's she gonna see?

Just drive!

Ooh, maybe I should also get a gift for my aunt Pat.

Have I ever told you about her?

Total g*n nut, lives completely off the grid.

Did you see how cute Gloria was with Lily?

Oh, Pat is hilarious.

I don't think she's paid taxes in 20 years, but very hospitable.

Always has a deer in the freezer.

Would you listen to me?

I think that Gloria and my dad could be Lily's guardians.

Look, you know I love Jay, and they're still in the mix, but I just don't know about him raising a child.

Well, Cam, he raised me.

Well, now you've put me in an awkward position.

Oh, look at that.

That's adorable.

Let's see if we can get you some snow pants.

I just wish I felt better.

I think I'm coming down with flu-like symptoms.

Couple of hours before your camping trip, huh?

I want to go.

It's just, if I'm sick, I might get the chaperones sick, and without chaperones, it's anarchy.

Manny, listen to me.

The buddy system falls apart, the principle of "last in, first out" is ignored.

It's butterflies.

Where?

You're just nervous because there's gonna be a lot of physical activity, which is not exactly your strong suit.

It is a little daunting out there.

D... don't use the word "daunting" in nature, okay?

You just need a little self-confidence.

Look at this. They got one of these rock walls here.

Why don't you hop up on that?

Why?

Why? To prove that you can do it.

If you can do that, you can do anything.

Really? Can I fly?

Can I speak Chinese?

No, but you can sleep in the house tonight.

Ace? Want to wire my boy up, here?

Go ahead.

I'm sorry I went behind your back.

But you get so defensive whenever we talk about Luke's issues.

He doesn't have issues.

You're just a worrier.

Like when you thought he was never gonna talk.

He was 2, and all he could do was bark!

I understood him.

Phil!

Look, he starts coming here, the other kids find out, he becomes a target, like that limping gazelle at the watering hole that the alligator knows to eat.

They're crocodiles, not alligators.

There are no alligators in Africa.

How about at the zoo?

Bam! Who needs a shrink now?

Mr. and Mrs. Dunphy?

Yes?

Hi.

Luke, I'm gonna talk to your mom and dad for a minute, okay?

Okay. She's, like, the best doctor ever.

A couple of puzzles, no sh*ts.

I didn't even have to take my pants off.

Found that one out a little late.

I've been there, buddy.

Mwah!

Well, Luke's a terrific kid.

I have a few thoughts, but, honestly, I don't see anything that's cause for alarm.

Awesome.

Thanks so much for your time.

We... we would love to hear your thoughts.

Well... he's a bright and curious boy, but he gets distracted.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

I see it all the time with above-average kids.

Mm-hmm. Phil, honey, I want you to hear this.

Mm-hmm.

They're a little overstimulated because there are so many things they're interested in.

They never seem to focus.

Makes me crazy.

Too crazy.

Well, they usually do outgrow it.

What if they don't?

He will.

Well, there's... there's medication, but why don't we cross that bridge if we come to it?

Is there any way to avoid that bridge altogether?

You know, maybe there's diet or... or focusing exercises or something?

Mrs. Dunphy, what exactly are you worried about?

Get comfortable.

I'm worried he's turning into you, Phil.

Claire: I knew the minute I opened my mouth that I was in the wrong, but, honestly, sometimes I wonder about him.

Luke: Hey, mom, check it out.

What are you doing?

If I move my head fast enough, it looks like the can is standing still.

[Laughs]

He's totally right!

I just find it interesting that you blame Jay for everything from your night terrors to your shy bladder, and now he's the perfect guardian for Lily.

No, not perfect, and... and I never said anything about my shy bladder.

O... oh. Then why did I have to stand guard outside the bathroom at Pepper's three faces of new year's Eve party?

Damn it, Manny!

Move it! Go!

It's scary.

You're 2 feet off the ground.

I've seen vines climb walls faster than that.

Move your butt!

Oh, well, there's your esteem-building parent right there.

Wait, wait, I think I hear future Lily sending us a message from her stripper pole...

"Thanks, gay dead dads. This dance is for you."

Excuse me, Jay?

I'm getting down.

Not till you touch the top!

What is it?

Well, maybe if we didn't bully Manny so much, but, rather, showed him, he wouldn't be so afraid.

Excuse me, sherpa, can you assist me with the harness?

[Stupid voice] Oh, no. Which one of these is my driving machine?

Phil, I already apologized.

It just... it came out wrong.

[Normal voice] Funny, I thought that was my problem...

I came out wrong.

Hold on.

Oh, good, I can walk again.

Honey, you know, sometimes you can act a little bit...

Oh, no!

Where did everyone go?!

Oh, just a blink.

Phil, when you are ready to talk to me like an adult, why don't you let me know?

Fine.

Okay, okay.

The adults are the big ones, right?

[Engines turns over]

[Tires screech]

Hey, how do you think that got up there?

Uh-oh.

Now, I know it seems daunting, Manny, but it's very simple.

I'm securely hitched to a rope, which means I'm not going to fall.

You know, dad, you're really making my life difficult right now.

How?

By barking at Manny like a drill sergeant when I'm trying to convince Cam that you'd be a great guardian for Lily.

Guardian?

Yeah.

You're kidding.

Aah!

Jay!

Yeah, never mind.

That really hurt!

This is a mistake.

Why does she keep saying that?

Because they're the first words she ever heard.

Here, you go first.

This will teach that skank a lesson.

Shaving cream in her locker?

Just stand over there and yell if someone's coming.

She might have homework assignments in there she hasn't handed in yet.

[sighs]

Haley!

[Door closes]

Someone's coming!

Run!

[Sighs]

[Whispering frantically]

This way, this way!

Okay, okay, okay!

Where are we?

Boys' locker room.

It smells like feet.

That's not feet.

Okay.

I'm so scared.

Just go to your happy place.

We just broke into my happy place.

Who's there?

[Gasps]

[Both laughing]

Shh, shh, shh, shh!

Go, go, run, run!

Not so loud! Run! Run!

So, how you doing?

Oh, not good. I'm just glad my clown training prepared me to take a fall like that.

Yeah, and in terms of talking about it, are we looking at weeks, months?

Do not minimize it, you, who I had to rush to the emergency room that time you fell out of your clogs.

There's your bubbly water with lemon.

Thank you, Jay.

How you doin'?

Oh, it's hard to tell.

You know, anytime you have a catastrophic injury to your lumbar area...

I could use a little piece of lumbar myself right now.

Well, I hope you're comfortable now making my family Lily's guardians.

¡Hola, hola!

You're forgetting about Gloria.

Even you have to admit how amazing she is with Lily.

Mm!

Look who's so pretty!

Oh, my God!

Gloria, what did you do?

What I told you.

You pierced her ears?!

What I said...

I was going to make her pretty with earrings.

I thought you said "hair rings."

What are hair rings?

Yes, Mitchell, what are hair rings?

Something that you would tie your hair back...

She said it!

I didn't say "hair rings."

I said "earrings."

You don't like?

Of course not.

You punctured our daughter! Oh!

But did you see both sides?

I didn't just do the gay ear.

Look.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I actually...

I think we're good.

Let's just wait in here for Gabby, okay?

Oh, my God! I can't believe we just did that.

Can you believe we just did that?

Yeah, we had a lot of fun.

Let's not geek it up.

Wait. What if I have a taste for it now?

Am I gonna start doing stuff like that all the time?

Calm down.

You just did one bad thing.

[Sighs]

Two.

I skipped my cello lesson today.

That wasn't even where my teacher lives.

You ditched a class?

Well, I... I didn't have time to practice because of lacrosse and debate team and...

Do you even like playing the cello?

[Scoffs] Yeah.

Alex?

[Sighs]

I hate it.

So quit.

I've never quit anything.

You've never broke into a school before.

Just did that.

No offense, but the family's hopes and dreams are kind of pinned on me.

I'm just saying that no one would blame you if you stopped being so perfect.

It actually would take a lot of pressure off of me.

I did something bad, too...

Something that nobody knows.

What?

Come here.

I can't say it too loud, okay?

What did you do?

[Both scream]

Phil, I'm just not sure you understand why I said what I said.

There are qualities about me you wish you could change, but you can't 'cause I'm all grown up, but it's not too late for Luke.

Okay.

Honey, there are a hundred things about Luke that he gets from you that I absolutely love.

It's just this... this one tiny part that I'm sure if I could just get in there and just... ee!

Claire... he's a great kid.

He's gonna be fine.

I know.

I think I know.

I feel terrible that we fought in front of him.

Did he say anything about that on the drive here?

How would I know?

He rode with you.

He didn't drive with me.

He drove with you.

Just admit it... you want Lily raised by anyone but my family.

It's just so far away from everything she knows.

And then there's the crazy aunts and the frozen cows.

Oh, please, in the last hour, your father publicly shamed Manny, dropped me from the sky, while his wife drilled holes in our baby's head.

Oh!

Which is why I think we should revisit Claire and Phil.

Where are my keys?

We left Luke alone in a parking garage!

We don't know the whole story.

Don't we?

Whose car are we taking?

Mine.

Then I'm driving!

Hey, mom.

Buddy!

Luke?

Buddy!

Lukey?

Thank you so much.

Honey, get out of there.

Thank you!

I'm so sorry.

We are so sorry.

Oh, buddy, you must've been so scared.

No.

Oh, God.

Well, what happened?

Well, I knew you'd come back.

Uh-huh.

Then you didn't.

So I had to go find a phone.

That's when I saw a stray dog and I played with him for a while.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Then I thought I saw Mrs. Morgan, my first-grade teacher, going into a church.

It wasn't her, but there was a wedding there.

That's where I met the Litvaks.

Oh, thank you!

Thank you so much.

Congratul... tov.

[Engine turns over]

Mwah! Oh, baby.

Can I go get a drink?

Yes, you can.

Yes, you can! You can drink whatever you want!

Of course you can.

There's tons of soda in there.

Ohh!

What an amazing kid!

I can't believe I ever worried about him out in the world.

[Both sigh]

That's what I do, though, isn't it?

I worry.

I worry... I think about a tiny, little thing, and then I obsess on it, until, suddenly, it's the only thing I can think about.

God, please don't let me screw up our son.

Hey, hey.

You know why else he's gonna be okay?

No.

Because somewhere out there is a worried little girl who's making lists and labeling bins, and he's gonna find her.

Mm!

Oh!

Cam?

I know you're kind of down on Jay being Lily's guardian.

Now, that's not anything you need to worry about, Manny.

I just think you're being too hard on him.

We had a little chat in the car.

I'm sorry I let you down, Jay.

I'm starting to think if I couldn't even get up that wall, then why am I even going on this...

Knock it off, Manny.

We both know you could get up that wall.

Now, why are you trying to get out of this trip?

I'm not.

I'm excited to go...

Manny...

Okay.

I have some concerns about the shower situation.

Oh. Because?

Well, I'm pretty much at my target weight.

That's good.

But the thing is, I haven't quite reached my target height.

Got it.

All right, first of all, you don't have to go.

I'll write you a note.

We'll plan on doing something fun this weekend.

Really?

You bet.

And you're not mad at me?

Look, if you were a different kid, I'd give you the speech...

You know, "we all have insecurities.

You've got to be brave here."

But let's face it... you're already about the bravest kid I know.

I am?

[chuckling] Come on.

You wear blazers to school.

You play the pan flute.

You... you read poetry to girls.

I couldn't even talk to girls when I was your age.

The shower thing's nothing compared to all that.

So, whatever you decide, I'm behind you.

No, I got that set up just right.

I told you about that before.

Jay said that?

Yeah, and he wasn't drinking or anything.

So, what are you gonna do?

I think I'm gonna go.

I mean, if Reuben can go with that extra nipple...

I'm proud of you, Manny.

You're doing the right thing, trust me.

I mean, what were you thinking, Gloria?

Ay, Mitch, I said I was sorry.

But I had them since I was 2... huge ones.

What is she...

Earrings, Phil.

Earrings.

Mitch, I just wanted to tell you how really touched I was you'd want me to be Lily's guardian.

Oh, you're welcome.

And you're out.

Excuse me.

I have a very important announcement to make.

[Cellphone ringing]

Oh. Sorry.

Sorry, so rude.

Totally inexcusable.

Yello!

Mitchell and I have decided that if, God forbid, anything should happen to us...

You don't have to do this right now.

No.

We would like to Jay and Gloria to be Lily's guardians.

Cam?

It's the right decision.

Gloria: [gasps]

That is great news!

Lily, when something horrible happens, you're going to be all mine!

It really is an "if" situation.

All mine!

I don't mean to ruin this really beautiful moment, but were Phil and I even considered for the position?

Claire?

I mean, we are the parents of three healthy, well-adjusted children who...

Honey, we need to go down to the police station.

Our daughters just vandalized the school.

This is not over.

Let's go see your new room, Liliana.

No, that's not her name.

Hey.

Oh, hey, what are you doing home?

Oh, I bailed on yoga.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, oh, could you go to the mailbox and get me...

No, why can't I just come in?

You can. I just...

Cameron?

What?

Look at me.

I am.

What did you do?

I am home alone for a lot of hours.

Carmen Miranda?

I just wanted a couple before the holes closed up.

Oh, Cameron.

Oh.

All right, just get one with me really quick.

Okay.

All right.

Hey! One for daddy!

Whoo!

[camera shutter clicks]