01x12 - You're Under Foot

(Adult Adam) Back in the '80s, before Pilates and macrobiotic diets, old people were old, except for one...

My grandfather. (Snaps fingers)

He was a man who loved risk and took chances.

Yes, yes! Get there! Get there! Yes!

Come on, come on, come on!

He was a connoisseur of fine spirits.

Oh! Muy bueno. (Giggles)

In a word, my grandfather was awesome.

That's game, kiddo. Better luck next time.

Come on, pops. Let me win at least one.

That's a terrible lesson.

I'm gonna beat your ass again real quick.

And in wintertime, when his friends retreated to Florida, that's when we always saw a lot more of him.

Bev, look at this! Billy Joel's coming to town. You gotta see this!

Not now, dad. I've got three lunches to make.

Look at this picture of him.

He's wearing the exact same sunglasses as I am.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I'm gonna call for tickets.

Bevy! Where's my other black sock?

In your sock drawer.

That drawer is a wasteland of unmatched pairs. It's chaos!

Then wear a different pair.

I've already got my black one on!

Ugh! This is a nightmare!

(Crunches) Ow! Ow! My tooth! My tooth!

How do you hurt yourself eating cereal?

I bit the free toy! (Pounds counter)

If it doesn't look like cereal, don't chew on it.

Dad, you're in the way!

I-I'm just calling the ticket broker.

You and me are gonna sit front and center.

Dad, can you please go in the den?

Everywhere I step, there you are. You're underfoot.

Hmm.

And Billy Joel can wait.

Bye.

Whoa!

Don't say "bye."

Your S.A.T. prep course is at 4:00, so get your ass home after school.

I don't know what you're saying.

Well, take off your walkboy.

It's called a walkman.

Oh, now you can hear me?

I wish I couldn't.

(Phone hangs up) The tickets are all sold out. (Door closes)

Let's roam around the bad neighborhoods until we find a scalper.

Dad, I've got 17 loads of laundry to do.

I'm gonna go put on my shoes, and I'll wait in the car.

All right, Bevy, today I went with the blue socks, but we're just kicking the can down the road.

Can you do me a favor?

(Sighs) Take my dad to work with you today.

He's been retired ten years. Why would he want to do that?

I don't care what he wants. I want him out of here.

(Lowered voice) Go ask him.

Hey, Albert.

How would you like to come to the store with me today?

Nah.

Well, I tried. He's your problem now.

My parents were together so long, they could have an entire fight all about you, inches away, without ever making a sound.

(Both mouthing words)

Hey, Albert, Vic and the guys were just talking with me the other day, and, uh, they were saying how much they'd love you to stop by. We all would.

For God sake, Murray, can't you take a hint?

I don't wanna go.

I understand.

And sometimes it only took a look.

But I insist.

Fine.

(Mouths words)

♪ (I Fight Dragons) ♪

Season 1, Episode 12 "You're Under Foot"

It was January 11th, 1980-something, and pops was headed back to his old stomping grounds.

Hey, Vic.

Look at this hobo I found out wandering the street.

Ohh. (Chuckles) You kidding me?

Do my eyes deceive me?

(Strained voice) Ohh! Okay. (Laughs)

I'm easy. Try picking up that one.

Hell, no.

Yeah, go ahead. Bust my balls.

That's what we do.

My God, look at this place.

I-I barely recognize it.

Yeah, I made some upgrades, expanded the showroom, put in track lighting.

What the hell's that?

Ah...

We do all our inventory on computers now.

What is this, the "Star Wars"?

What about Sheila the redhead, who comes in Saturdays to do the books?

Oh, I got rid of her.

What?

Yeah, she'd been stealing from us for years.

That's the price you pay for great gams. Now all you have to look at is Vic.

Oh, you've never seen my gams.

Oh, yeah, softball.

What's next, you give Vic's job to a robot?

I gotta see my office.

Hey, come here a second.

Listen, um... I want you to spend the day with him.

He's got a lot of energy, and he tends to get underfoot.

(Crash)

(Pops) Hey, you've got new glass shelves, too!

While pops was tiring out my dad, I was trying to keep up with my long-time crush, Dana Caldwell.

You let me win!

(Panting)

Yeah. That's what I did. Oh, boy.

I should get going. I've gotta read "To Kill a Mockingbird" for English.

You know, I got the cliffsnotes in my room. You wanna borrow 'em?

Okay. (Chuckles)

Yep, it was happening.

I had a girl in my bedroom for the very first time.

Here you go.

Thank you.

So... this is your room, huh?

This was it. The moment every man waits for.

Time to show her what goes down in Adam Goldberg's private quarters.

This is where the magic happens.

Voilà.

(Gasps)

Oh, what's that behind your ear? Soft red ball. Just a little taste.

Do you like Transformers?

What... are they again?

Hello. They're robots in disguise.

It's an exciting time in the franchise.

They're branching out from vehicles to dinosaurs and insects.

That... is exciting.

Do you like He-Man?

I guess.

Castle Greyskull.

Skeletor lives there. Whatever.

Do you like G.I. Joe? Don't answer yet.

Right this way.

Behold, the "U.S.S. Flagg."

That takes up a lot of room.

Well, yeah. It's an aircraft carrier. It's meant to hold aircraft.

It's all right there in the name.

Yep, this was going perfectly.

But what happened next would really rock my world.

(Angelic music playing)

I... gotta go.

(Music warps and stops)

(Huffs) Thank you for your time!

I said for no reason at all!

As baffled as I was, my dad was even more confused when he got back from his lunch break.

Almost got it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell is going on here?

Going out of business?!

Damn it. I was gonna surprise you.

We don't go for these gimmicks anymore.

It's a proven sales technique. I'm just juicing things up a bit.

It's not a furniture store now.

It's a hip lounge.

Number one... It is a furniture store.

Number two... the two biggest enemies of furniture are smoke and coffee.

And Jheri curl juice.

Three enemies!

(Groans)

Who wants jazz?

Okay. What the hell is going on here?

You were supposed to play gin rummy with him in the backroom all day.

Nah, he wouldn't stay put.

That old man's got so much energy and charisma.

Now you can learn a thing or two from him. Mm-hmm.

(Up-tempo jazz playing)

Ah, charisma.

I don't know what happened. It was going so great.

And then she just ran off for no reason.

Why would she do that?

'Cause no girl on this planet would ever wanna make out in this room.

Seriously, it looks like a nerd bomb went off in here.

I hate to admit it, but the idiot's right. It was the toys.

So my toys freaked her out?

The fact that you have toys freaked her out.

Listen, chicks like waterbeds and samurai swords that elegantly hang over a fireplace.

It's a scientific fact.

He's still an idiot.

But he's right. If you want Dana to like you, lose the toys.

I can't. They're like family.

What would you rather touch... a boob or a dino-bot?

You took too long! The answer is clearly "boob."

You're in seventh grade, bud. It's time to grow up.

She's right. From now on, you gotta stop playing with toys and start acting like a man.

First step... Drakkar Noir.

No woman can resist its alluring stink.

Now you never apply it directly onto your own skin.

You simply mist... (Spritzes) And walk through.


(Sighs) While my lesson on how to be a man had just begun, my dad was happy his day with pops had come to an end.

There you are.

(Door closes)

How'd it go with my dad? Did you have a good time?

Give me a minute. Can't a man take off his pants? (Pants rustle on floor)

Have you been smoking?

A cigar?

Two! With some low-end cognac.

Your dad turned my discount furniture store into the Copacabana.

Ohh. I'm nauseous.

Well, thank you for doing that.

You owe me. I'd like, uh, some shrimp parm...

With extra shrimp and extra parm.

I thought you said you were nauseous.

I'll fight through it.

Okay, you got it.

I'm not moving. I'm gonna eat right here.

All right, don't be such a baby. It was only for one day.

Or so she thought. That one day turned into two.

(Pops) ...Kroehler sofas for half that price.

Well, it's fine. I got some good leads in the rolodex.

Al, what are you doing?

Uh, what do you know? You found some at that price.

Yeah, I'll take 'em all.

And those two days would turn into the longest week of my father's life.

Now that I was a man, it was time to break some tough news to some old friends.

Sorry, Lion-o. Sorry, Cheetara. It's time to grow up. (Sighs)

(Sadly) Thundercats ho!

And after five trips, I had successfully packed up all my toys.

Mom, I'm going out.

Wear your jacket and your muffs.

I'm a grown man!

(Door closes) And I was on a mission...

A mission to prove that the geeky little kid in me was gone forever.

Literally, nothing could stop me.

It's actually kind of cold out.

Oh, your nose is all pink like a little kitten.

Mom!

Meow.

Stop.

Meow, meow, meow!

Stop it. (Chuckles)

(Door closes)

Oh. Hey.

Howdy.

So... the other day when you were over at my house, you ran off so fast, that I didn't get a chance to tell you something.

The reason why I showed you my toys was 'cause I've outgrown 'em, and I thought maybe your little brother might like 'em.

You really wanna give all your toys away?

Yeah, I've been meaning to do it for years, plus I...

I need to clear some shelf space for my cologne, beer can collection, ...and jock straps.

Well, that's so nice of you.

Dougie, Adam Goldberg brought a whole bunch of toys for you.

Cool!

Awesome!

Had it. Have it.

Sell it.

(Toy clatters) Have it.

Wanna come in?

Sure.

Okay.

(Toys clattering)

Now listen, and listen good, you little putz.

That's Sergeant Slaughter of the Renegade Squadron, and you're gonna treat him and all my toys with the respect that they deserve, or so help me, I...

Adam? You coming?

Hey, you bet. (Chuckles)

I'd given up my toys, but pops wasn't giving up on his big plans for the store.

You busy?

Does it matter?

Well, I just discovered that the key to our success has been here all the time.

(Pen clatters)

Back in the old days, before I hired you, I had an ad running on the local TV.

Business boomed.

Okay, before you say anything else, just know that making a commercial is way too expensive for us.

Way ahead of you, Mur.

That's why we use this.

Hey there, ladies. Put down those vacuum cleaners for a second.

Big Al's got something to say. (Chuckles)

When your man comes home at night, don't you want him to see furniture that looks just as gorgeous as you do?

Hey.

Thanks, Sheila.

Down at the Ottoman Empire, we got sofas starting at $35.99.

Can you buy on credit? You bet!

With your husband's signature, of course.

So come on down and let big Al service you.

(Man) Ottoman Empire... old York Road and Route 73...

I think it holds up pretty well.

I think it's amazing that there was a time when that was okay.

We're not running this commercial.

Albert, you worked so hard making Ottoman Empire what it is today, but don't you think now is the time to do things like play golf or take a steam or feed the pigeons?

Pigeons. That does sound fun.

We agree? No commercial?

No commercial. I totally get it.

(Adult Adam) But he didn't get it.

(Man) Quiet on the set! (Indistinct conversations)

Damn it, Albert. What did I say?!

You're gonna love this commercial, Mur.

I'm lnsane Albert.

I price my furniture so low, I require hospitalization.

(Chuckles) He's crazy Al.

Yeah, I get it. No commercial!

Send everybody home.

Oh, I can't do that.

I already hired the crew, bought this straitjacket.

It is cheaper than renting it.

Vic, go away... far away.

Vic, you stay.

He's the orderly that wheels me back into the loony bin 'cause my prices are bananas.

Come here, Albert.

Look, I've tried being nice to you all week.

I can't do it anymore.

You gotta take off the straitjacket and go home. Please!

I didn't wanna play this card, but I do own 51% of the business, ...so the decision is mine.

What are you saying?

This commercial is happening whether you like it or not.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go back and get into my mentally unstable character.

You got that covered.

(Grunting and panting)

Honey, what happened to all your toys?

Gave 'em away. It's cool.

Hey.

Can you float me roughly $2,000?

May I ask for what?

A waterbed and a decorative samurai sword to hang above it.

A samurai sword will fall off the wall in the middle of the night, poke your eye out, puncture the mattress, and then you'll drown in your sleep.

Is that a "no"?

Yes, that's a "no."

Honey, you can't give your toys away. You love 'em so much.

Toys are kids' stuff. I'm a man now.

(Dumbbells thud and clink) As of yesterday. A very happy, happy man.

(Spritzes)

That's Barry's smell. Why do you smell like Barry?

It's Drakkar Noir. He gave it to me.

I love to spend money on a girl... (Click)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What the hell?

What did you two idiots do?

That could mean so many things.

Why did my scrumptious little baby give away all his toys?

We just told him the truth, mom.

Yeah. He'll never get any action with his room full of toys.

He doesn't need any action. He's a little boy.

I'm going over there right now and getting his toys back.

If you do, you're gonna cost him his first girlfriend.

He doesn't need a girlfriend. He's got me.

Ew.

Yuck.

I didn't mean girlfriend. I meant... (Sighs) Main lady.

That is so much worse.

I meant...

Woman in his life that he loves more than anyone else.

Mom, you're in free fall. Pull the rip cord.

I'm going over there to get those toys back.

You two are grounded for a year.

You hear me? A year.

Glad you messed with me? You should know better. (Footsteps depart)

Hey there.

What great old toys.

I'm from a local charity, and I was wondering if you'd take 20 whole dollars for them.

You're Adam Goldberg's mother.

Okay, I didn't know you knew that.

Listen...

My son Adam is at a transitional age right now.

He's starting to mature and to have feelings he's... never felt before, and...

I want a turtle.

That's nice. Why don't you go in and get your mom?

(Toys clatter)

Go on. Get mama.

(Toys clatter)

Hi. (Panting)

You must be Dana's mom. I'm Beverly Goldberg.

(Clatter)

Well, I'll have you over for brunch, okay?

Bye-bye. This was fun. (Laughs)

After pops took off his straitjacket, he finally regained his sanity.

Hey, can we talk?

It's up to you. You're the boss.

I can give you, uh, 51% of the couch.

Stop it, will ya? I-I came to apologize.

Look...

It's tough always feeling like you're underfoot.

I was doing okay with it, but then when I walked back in here, uh...

I felt like I mattered again.

Stop it. You matter.

This is your store, Murray.

You've done a hell of a job with it for ten years... better than I could've done.

Which is why I've decided...

To give you this.

That's my 2%.

You should be the majority owner. This is your store now.

Thank you, Albert. It means a lot.

(Exhales deeply)

I'm gonna miss this place.

Oh, you...

You could always come by, like, once a week to check on things.

I can put another desk next to mine in the office.

Nah. I couldn't do that.

You could.

Walnut. Danish modern with a teak inlay. Don't cheap out.

Now come here and give me a hug.

Uh, I'm not a big hugger.

Get over here, you b*st*rd. (Sighs)

(Billy Joel's "My Life" playing)

♪ Got a call from an old friend ♪ (Laughs)

♪ We used to be real close ♪
♪ Said he couldn't go on... ♪

Hi.

Hello. What you got there, toys of some sort?

I brought 'em back 'cause I know you didn't really wanna give them away.

What? No, that's not true.

Your mom came over.

That damn woman.

That's okay.

My mom would have done the same thing if I gave away all my care bears.

Wait. It wasn't the toys?

Then why did you run out of my room the other day?

I... ran out 'cause...

I thought we were gonna kiss.

Not that I didn't wanna kiss.

I just... got nervous.

So...

Thank you for bringing my stuff. See you at school.

Thank you!

(Makes shooting sounds)

♪ I don't want you to tell me it's time ♪

Stupid. I was supposed to kiss her.

Stupid, stupid!

Yeah, you blew it.

But we'll work on it.

♪ This is my life ♪

(makes shooting sounds)

Never thought I'd say it, but this computer is way better than Sheila's gams.

Hey, Mur. We got a tough customer. You wanna work your magic?

I never said I was...

You coming?

Of circumstance

You bet your ass.

♪ I still belong ♪

Yeah, getting older is confusing and complicated, but no matter how hard we tried, pops couldn't slow it down, and that day, I decided not to rush it either.

(Growly voice) I am Megatron, leader of the Decepticons.

I am Optimus Prime, and I am a good guy, and I will kick your butt! (Knock on door)

Who's there?

(Murray, muffled voice) Get dressed now!

Oh, no! The bad guys are coming for us! Aah!

(Robotic voice) My name is Megatron. I am good. (Knock on door)

Who's there?

(Man, muffled voice) Get dressed now.

Oh.

(Robotic voice) I am good and... this is it.

Aah! That hurt! Aah! (Laughs)

Hey! I'm Murray the maniac.

And I'm committed to insane prices!

Ooh! Aah! (Beep)

Hello! I'm Murray the maniac, and I'm committed to insane prices!

You think that was too much, the way I went, "insane"?

(Beep) And... action.

Well, I came out while you were saying "action." Does that matter?

(Beep) I'm Murray the mania... Why couldn't we get a good one?!

Hi. I'm insane.

No, it's "insane prices."

It's "hello."

(Beep) Just help me up. Help me up. Help me up. Just push from behind.

I like what you were doing, man.

Thank you.

Hey! I'm Murray the maniac, and I'm bananas!

I am just b-a-n...

"A."

"A."

"N."

Is it two n's?

(Beep) Did we close the whole day for this (Bleep)?