02x03 - The Facts of Bleeping Life

♪ We're not gonna take it ♪

Adult Adam: Back in the '80s, MTV did this crazy thing...

♪ No, we ain't gonna take it ♪

And actually played music videos.

♪ We're not gonna take it ♪

They taught us that huge hair and a sick guitar solo...

Could turn a mere mortal into a Rock God.

♪ We've got the right to choose and ♪
♪ there ain't no way we'll lose it ♪

So, like all kids, I formed an epic garage band with my brother, Barry.

♪...this is our song ♪

And we were the Stuff of Legends.

(Off-key)

♪ We're not gonna take it ♪

Well, in our minds.

♪ No, we're not gonna take it anymore ♪

Thank you, Philadelphia.

Good night!

(Feedback squeals)

Okay, so we weren't Twisted Sister, but we thought we were.

We're, like, guaranteed to be superstars.

I mean, I'm big tasty, the rapper who can rock a mike.

But I can also rock a guitar.

You know, if we're gonna be selling out mega-stadiums, maybe we should learn more than one song.

It's not about the music, okay?

It's about the showmanship and pageantry and smoke machines and glitter cannons and giant hair and codpieces.

Seems a bit much.

Well, the front man gets all the ladies.

So I make all the decisions for Barry and the Hendersons.

I told you, our band name isn't gonna have "Barry" in it.

Let's just put it on the board, see what it looks like... Maybe we'll fall in love.

Sure, we had our creative differences. but the one thing we could agree on was that we were the greatest band that ever existed.

Just ask our groupies.

(Off-key)

♪ We're not gonna take it anymo-o-re ♪

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

(Laughs)

Thank you, Veterans Stadium!

Good night!

Wow. (Gasps)

Sounds like nobody's gonna take it.

Mission accomplished!

Yes!

Oh, you're so awesome!

You remind me of my other favorite band... Kiss.

No, no, no, no! Stop, stop!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪
♪ but nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪
♪ I don't know the future ♪
♪ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was mid-summer, 1980-something, and America had its latest obsession...

The Royal wedding.

And no one was more into Prince Chuck and Lady Di than my mom.

Mm! That Prince Charles.

Imagine what it's like to be married to someone so regal and majestic.

Hey, Bevy, what kind of mustard do I like?

You like ketchup.

We have company. Put on pants or leave.

Yeah. You win this round.

Guess we can't all have Prince Charles, huh?

Oh, hush.

He may not be the biggest fan of slacks, but Murray can be very romantic.

Trust me. (Chuckles)

Charles and Diana got nothing on our wedding.

Wow. I want to see pictures, wedding pictures, right now.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

They're all packed away in the attic.

Here's the album.

Thank you, Janice.

Thank you for chiming in.

Huh. Now, tell me why Murray is sitting down during your vows.

He got woozy.

Big day, low blood sugar. He ate a plum. It was fine.

Listen, we all have things about our wedding that we'd like to redo, right?

That's why the Hubby and I decided to renew our vows last year.

You what, now?

Just an intimate ceremony.

You know, some friends and family and a band, some cake.

You can have a second wedding?

No!

Come on. It'll just be a little ceremony.

Marriage is not like a magazine subscription.

You don't have to keep renewing it.

Well, you do if you want to keep the magazine.

Well... this magazine right here, you get for free for the rest of your life.

How do you like that?

You don't want to do this? Fine.

How'd you make tears so fast?

They're always there, lying in wait, because I feel so deeply.

Fine! You wore me down.

He said yes!

He said yes!

While my mother couldn't wait to renew her vows, my sister was doing some waiting of her own.

(Groans) Just stop talking and play The Bangles already.

I know! It's music television!

They should just play videos and nothing else.

Back then, you couldn't just pull up your favorite song with a click on Youtube.

You actually had to sit...

Play the video!

And wait and wait until that one glorious moment when your favorite video finally came on.

(Both squealing)

And nothing would stop you from singing along.

♪ Close your eyes ♪
♪ give me your hand, darl... ♪

(TV zaps)

No! No!

I will kill you! I am not kidding.

I will go to jail. I will do my time.

I may come out a different person, but it'll be worth it!

Forget the lame-ass chick music.

I'm cordially inviting you out to the garage to hear a real band.

This...

This is for you, girl.

I...Pick... you.

Yep, Barry had become obsessed with Erica's best friend, Lainey, ever since she kissed him in a moment of incredibly poor judgment.

I'll dedicate a jam to you, girl.

Just come to one of our gigs.

In the garage? No.

Are we done with this horrible interaction?

Because there's a TV upstairs. Let's go!

Too bad Lainey didn't feel the same way.

Ah, she's good.

Acting all, "I don't like you."

I think that's 'cause she doesn't like you.

Aw, sweet, naive baby child.

She's just playing hard to get.

It's obvious I'm all she thinks about.

It's not that obvious. (Chuckles)

It's all a part of the game of love, my brother.

And once we're topping the charts, she'll change her tune.

Man! I can't wait to be famous.

All the kids at school who call me a nerd are gonna beg to be my best friend.

And I'll buy a Ferrari for every day of the week.

And I will have every garbage pail kid ever made.

And Chuck Norris will be my personal trainer till his wife falls in love with me and it gets awkward.

And I'll buy bubbles the chimp from Michael Jackson and give him a new name with dignity, like William or Professor Bananas.

And Charles Barkley will beg me to join the sixers.

And we'll live in a mansion in Miami, and Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine will be our neighbors.

And we're gonna paint the name of the band on the roof so everyone can see it from the sky!

We'll be Rock Gods.

There's only one way to get there.

We got to get ourselves a gig.

So we did what any band does when they need a big break.

We asked our mommy.

(Feedback squeals)

Yeah.

That's gonna be a polite pass.

What?!

What?!

You never say no to us!

Yeah! We're your delicious snuggle monsters.

I don't think she understands.

Give us the thing we want!

Love to.

But can't. (Inhales sharply)

Joke! She's kidding.

You're hired.

Yes! I knew we were amazing.

We charge 200 bucks, non-negotiable.

Dad, I thought we agreed on dueling harpists.

We'll have them play one song at the very end.

The noise will sober everybody up for the drive home.

It's money well spent.

I told you you didn't have to pay for all this.

Stop.

What does my Princess want?

Well, I do have a few ideas. (Chuckles)

I'm thinking ice sculptures and a horse-drawn carriage and, um, oh, those carving stations where they have the different meats and then you point at the meats, and they give you the meats.

You want meats, you got meats.

(Chuckles)

"Wedding Binder"?

Isn't this what you have when the wedding is real?

Just shut up and let me do this. All you have to do is write your vows.

Go.

How about, instead, I go up and clean out the gutters like you've been nagging me to do?

There's your romance.

Write your vows.

Adult Adam: For my dad, that was his definition of no fun.

This is gonna be so much fun!

Okay. Barry told us about the $200.

Let's do this.

Whoa, whoa. What's happening?

Good news. The girls are joining the band.

Barry ignored the cardinal rule of being in a band.

Lainey.

He let a girl come between us.

You could share my mike. It's great for duets.

Your breath smells like cat food.

I can assure you, it's people food.

What... we're a two-man band.

I'm not splitting our appearance fee with them.

Think about it.

What's better than performing for her?

Performing with her.

Now we'll make sweet music together, and she won't be able to deny her feelings for me.

But it's supposed to be you and me!

It is just you and me... and them.

You know what would be so cool?

If we did an all-acoustic set.

Totally!

That is a great idea, Lainey! Adam, take five.

Let's brainstorm. Do you have any band names, Lainey?

Ooh. How about the Gal Pals?

Nailed it!

Never!

As my band was writing me off, my dad was busy writing his vows.

♪ I bet we've been together for a million years ♪
♪ and I'll bet we'll be together... ♪

Okay, so, he wasn't writing.

He was watching his favorite TV show, "Family Ties."

♪ What would we do, baby, without us? ♪

Adult Adam: Like all shows at the time, it was only as good as its opening theme song.

♪ Sha-la-la-la ♪

Beverly: Murray!

(TV shuts off)

(Remote clatters, footsteps approaching)

Are you watching TV?

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm just sitting in my writing chair, letting the ideas flow from my pen.

You're gonna love what I got.

It's blank.

Yeah, I got it all up here, baby.

I know exactly what I want to say.

Let's hear it. Right now.

Right now?

You want to pre-hear the special vows I wrote special?

Who does that?

Me. Go.

Adult Adam: My dad knew he just had to speak from the heart or the next best thing... Quote an epic theme song.

I bet we've been together for a million years.

And I bet we'll be together for a million more.

It's like I started breathing on the night we kissed.

My dad couldn't remember our birthdays, but he remembered every damn word of that theme song.

(Chuckling) What would we do, baby...

Without us?

Sha-la-la-la.

That... was...

Amazing!

(Both laugh)

You love me so much! Oh!

I really do.

(Smooches) I really do.

Sha-la-la-la.

Oh, I cannot wait for you to say that in front of our friends!

Well, you know I was just spitballing.

I'm gonna have to rewrite it.

No! No, no, no, no, no.

You say those words exactly. (Laughs)

I said no more than 10% baby's breath, and I'm looking at 30%.

Take it all back.

Wow, Bev, you are really pulling out all the stops.

Ohh. Well, I'm not the only one.

I mean, I knew Murray was romantic.

He doesn't show it, but when you press him, it comes oozing out.

Oh, you should hear the vows he's writing for me.

What did he say? I got to hear. I got to hear.

It was a private moment. I-I don't really remember what was said...

Oh, fair enough.

But it was definitely this.

"I bet we've been together for a million years. And I bet we'll be together for a million more. It's like I started breathing on the night we kissed."

Hmm.

What?

It's just that... Have you seen "Family Ties"?

It's a hit TV show.

Insanely popular. Michael J. Fox?

Where are you going with this?

I think that Murray's vows may share a few similarities with...

A very famous theme song.

What? No. You are so way off.

You're right. But did his vows happen to end with "sha-la-la-la"?

You should go.

I should go.


(Girls singing in distance)

Even though my brother let Lainey Yoko Ono her way into our band, I was still clinging to our original dream.

That is, until I heard this.

♪ Do you feel the same? ♪
♪ Am I only dreaming ♪
♪ or is this burning an eternal flame? ♪

(Off-key) ♪ say my name ♪
♪ sun shines through the rain ♪
♪ a whole life so lonely ♪
♪ then you come and ease the pain ♪

Stop! Stop!

What have you done?

Where's my drum set?

There are no drums, bro.

Here. You can ding the little triangle.

I don't want to ding a triangle.

Just ding the damn triangle!

Never!

Triangles? Candles?

That's girl-band stuff. We're not a girl band.

Says the guy wearing the lady's wig.

For your information, we're trying to be Dee Snider.

Who's she?

Never heard of him.

Or his awesome music.

What happened to you, man?

It used to be about the music and the mansion and Chuck Norris.

You've changed.

No. I evolved.

You're the one who's stuck in the same place.

I just... like being a team.

Guess that's over now.

(Sighs)

That...

(door closes)

Was a bummer, but, hey.

It's show business, not show friends, am I right?

Speaking of that, we had a band meeting.

When?

Just now.

And we're gonna have to ask you to leave.

What are you talking about?

You're out of the band. You keep winking at Lainey and staring at Lainey.

And one time, I saw you smell Lainey.

Wait. What?

You're throwing me out of my own band? You can't do that.

We just did.

Wait. Barry.

Yeah?

Leave the triangle.

It was 6:00 P.M. sharp.

(Zipper unzips) As always, my dad dropped his pants off from work.

Little did he know, my mom was about to drop a bomb on him.

♪ You take the good, you take the bad ♪
♪ you take them both, and there you have ♪
♪ The Facts Of Life ♪

Wow!

Shrimp parm. What's the occasion?

Oh, just a little thank-you for all you're doing to make our renewal so magical.

Well, it's mostly you, but I do deserve some credit.

Gosh, I just can't stop thinking about those vows of yours.

How did you come up with such beautiful words?

Well, I thought, "I wish we'd been together for a million years."

And?

And...

"I wish we could be together for a million more."

That... that... 2 million!

Wow. That is so touching and from the heart.

Maybe I should share my vows with you. Would you like that?

Uh... surprise me on the day.

No. No, no, no, no. I insist.

(Chuckles)

You take the good.

You take the bad.

You take them both, and then you have the Facts Of Life.

Oh, boy.

The Facts Of (Bleep) Life!

(Spoon clatters) Okay.

Clearly, you're angry.

And I'm willing to take some of the blame...

Up to 30%.

How hard is it for you to say you love me?

What do you want from me? Nothing rhymes with Beverly.

It doesn't have to rhyme.

It... you know what?

Don't even bother with the vows. I'm canceling it.

Oh, don't do that.

I mean it.

We are never getting married again... ever.

Fine. The whole thing was just a big excuse to throw yourself a party, anyway.

Yes, I wanted to be treated like a princess, because all I do around here is cook and clean all... day... long.

But you know what I really wanted?

I just wanted to hear you talk about how much you love me.

(Chuckles softly)

My mom wasn't the only one feeling the sting of disappointment.

(Keytar playing discordantly)

Even the greatest musical instrument of the '80s couldn't cheer me up.

Since when do you play keytar?

Since I went solo.

Like David Lee Roth with less jumping 'cause of my ingrown toenail.

I'm kind of on my own, too.

They kicked me out of the band.

Oh, doesn't feel good, does it, you putz?

All right. Listen.

I'll admit I got blinded by love.

But I'm back now.

I don't know, man.

Come on.

I got no band without my drummer.

In one day, we went through the whole cycle of a band...

The fight, the breakup, and now the reunion.

You know, even though my mom canceled our gig, we're amazing enough to still become a female supergroup.

For sure. Let's get famous.

Two, three, four.

(Garage door opens)

♪ close your eyes ♪

Adam & Barry: ♪ we ain't gonna take it ♪

What the...

♪ we're not gonna take it ♪
♪ anymore ♪

Get out of here! You two are kicked out of the band!

♪ We're not gonna take it ♪
♪ no, we ain't gonna take it ♪

Fine! If that's how you want to be...

Hit it, Lainey.

Adam & Barry: ♪ we're not gonna take it anymore ♪

Erica & Lainey: ♪ close your eyes ♪

It was an epic battle of the bands.

Twisted Sister vs. Sister.

And even though they were different styles, sometimes, music melds together into one glorious mash-up.

♪ We're not gonna take it ♪
♪ do you feel the same? ♪

Enough!

♪ we're not gonna take it ♪

This was not one of those times.

♪ anymore ♪

(Amplifier crackles)

Go practice somewhere else!

(Drumming stops)

No! This garage belongs to us!

I'm sorry, Lainey, but at this point in my career, I have to put the music first.

Barry, what are you talking about?

I'm talking about what happened between us and our tongues.

Why do you deny our night of passion?

Uh... how much more obvious can I be?

We're not a thing.

But...

Look, I just don't like you that way.

(Alarm blaring)

What's going on?

Nothing. Just turn it off.

(Alarm clock thuds)

Hey.

You set the alarm to watch the wedding.

Don't not watch it because you're pissed at me.

Just leave me alone.

What the hell are you doing?

Can't sleep.

Look at her.

She really is the people's princess.

I'll never be anyone's Princess.

My destiny is to die alone.

What are you talking about? Why are you being a dramatic moron?

I suck!

I actually thought I could land a girl that's so out of my league.

Hey. It's possible. Trust me.

No offense, dad, but you just don't get what it's like to be me.

Come with me. I want to show you something.

(Film reel clicking)

Look at her.

Talk about out of my league.

You're sitting through the ceremony.

My God. All you do is sit.

It's a problem, really.

Shut up.

Your mother thought it was low blood sugar.

Actually, I was just so overwhelmed.

Why?

Look at her. She's so beautiful and smart.

I never thought I'd be good enough for her.

Well, this gives me hope.

I mean, you're awful, and you got mom, so...

Can't give up.

Sure, what Barry said was needlessly hurtful, but in that insult, my dad found a kernel of wisdom.

Go wake up the other morons.

You got a gig to play.

♪ Close your eyes ♪
♪ give me your hand, darlin' ♪
♪ do you feel my heart beating? ♪
♪ Do you understand? ♪
♪ Do you feel the same? ♪

(In distance) ♪ am I only dreaming ♪
♪ or is this burning an eternal flame? ♪
♪ I believe ♪
♪ it's meant to be, darlin' ♪

Dad.

What's going on?

♪ I watch you when you are sleeping ♪

Turns out you get that perfect wedding after all.

♪ Do you feel the same? ♪
♪ Am I only dreaming ♪
♪ or is this burning an eternal flame? ♪

I'm not very good, uh, with vows.

And, uh...

God knows I'm not a prince.

Um...

The one thing I do know for sure is you are my Princess.

And I am the luckiest nobody in the world.

Sha-la-la-la.

♪ say my name ♪
♪ sun shines through the rain ♪
♪ a whole life so lonely ♪
♪ and then come and ease the pain ♪

Sure, we were far from royalty or Rock Gods, but that night, my mom felt like a queen.

♪ Close your eyes ♪

Listen, about what I said.

No.

It's fine. I get it.

You don't feel the same way about me.

But I'll win you over.

No, you won't.

Yeah, I will.

♪ Do you feel the same? ♪

No. You won't.

Yes, I will.

♪ Am I only dreaming ♪

No, you won't.

♪ Or is this burning an eternal flame? ♪

(Ding!)

Mommy, I have a question.

So, Lainey's going to Ocean City over the weekend, and if you let me go, I will give you the best snuggies of your life.

(Chair scrapes) Get off! Don't touch me!

(Purse thuds) God! You've got to stop wearing that wig.

I keep thinking you're mom.

What are you talking about? I look awesome.

Seriously, look at you.

Nope. Don't see it.

Say "I have failed as a mother."

I have failed as a mother.

Adam, we're getting mohawks!