02x07 - A Goldberg Thanksgiving

Adult Adam: For every family, Thanksgiving is a day filled with tradition.

But for the Goldbergs, that tradition came with an extra helping of crazy.

Every year, my mom would cheese and marshmallow everything in sight.

Every year, my brother would gorge himself on half a turkey and pass out in a food coma.

Every year, I'd bond with my dad over a game of football and astound him with my total lack of knowledge.

It's like the throwing one knows exactly where the running one is going.

Every year, pops would give a tipsy toast about an old girlfriend.

And, sure, I wake up every morning, and I wonder, "what if I stayed with her in Singapore and learned her exotic customs?"

Point is we all make our choices.

To family.

All: To family.

Every year, my eccentric uncle Marvin would visit...

Delorean!

Get in a huge fight with my dad...

Come on! I'm not staying where I'm not wanted!

And storm out with one of our pies.

Good day to you, sir!

Good day to you!

And every year, my mom would force Erica to spend days prepping and cooking with her.

This sacred recipe box was your Nana's most prized possession, and we will continue the tradition by firing up the stove by 5:00 A.M. sharp tomorrow.

And if all goes smoothly, by 9:00 A.M., we'll be elbow deep in a 20-pound butterball.

Or we nuke some hungry-man dinners and call it a day.

Wow. I didn't know you were in the business of destroying all your Nana's favorite things.

You know, while you're at it, why don't you just smash her precious figurine collection, smash everything she loved, take this poker, and smash my face in? Because Nana loved this, too.

My God, I'll just cook the stupid meal.

Yay!

Oh, we're gonna have so much fun.

And it wasn't a Goldberg Thanksgiving unless my mom tripled up her workouts so she could justify gorging herself for 24 hours straight.

(Singsong voice) Who's ready for some jazzercise?

People with no shame?

Hey.

Come on, lazy buns. Let's earn that stuffing.

(Up-tempo music plays)

♪ Come on, come on ♪
♪ and work that boogie body ♪

And whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Join in!

Oh, I'd like to, but I'm lying.

Well, make fun all you want, but you wouldn't last a minute in my class.

I get the feeling I'd manage.

Put your money where your mouth is.

Come to class with me.

When you collapse halfway through from exhaustion, I win.

And then, we jazzercise three days a week for a month.

So, somehow, this has become a ploy to get me to hang with you.

It is moving in that direction, yes.

Well, when I prove you wrong and do finish, I don't have to help you make Thanksgiving dinner this year.

Deal.

You ready for this?

Look at me. I'm jazzercising.

I'm a sad mom with no shame.

No, don't join in. I'm mocking you.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪
♪ but nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪

The Goldbergs - 02x07 "A Goldberg Thanksgiving"

♪ I don't know the future ♪
♪ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was November 22, 1980-something, and I was spending the day with my friend, video games.

We had quite a history together.

First, there was Atari.

(Video game beeping)

Adam: Look at those graphics.

I'll never get bored of this... ever.

Then, there was lntellivision.

It's like I'm skiing in real life.

(Blows) And then came the greatest console of them all, Nintendo.

Yes! First place!

What is this? What am I looking at?

It's "Track & Field." I just won a gold medal.

A video game with people running and jumping.

Why don't you go outside and run and jump like a regular kid?

(Groans) You never like the stuff I like.

Why don't you play with the boy?

No can do. Gives me finger cramps.

And I need these hands to massage the ladies' feet.

It's his closer.

All right, this conversation's been bad from top to bottom.

My dad may not have understood me, but Thanksgiving meant the arrival of someone who did.

Did someone call the butcher?

'Cause the beefcake has arrived.

Okay.

"Mur-man," bring it in here.

Bro, ooh, I love-a this face.

Ohh.

I love it.

Stop!

Sorry.

(Sighs) What's with the outfit?

It's actually the Crockett n' Tubbs collection.

The ladies love it. It's the white linen, man.

You want to feel it?

No.

Come on. Feel it.

No.

Just feel it!

Uncle Marv!

(Laughing) Hey!

What's up?

Hey, buddy.

Uncle Marv!

Look at this kid! (Laughs)

Looking good, dude.

I'm feeling good, dude. I lost half a pound.

And then they bumped me up to assistant manager down at the Beeper Bayou in Trenton.

You sell beepers now? No way.

Oh, yeah. Growth industry. Wave of the future.

I'm gonna ride that wave right into retirement.

Free samples? Bing!

We get free beepers?! Yes!

So impractical for a child.

No. You can't give them beepers.

They look like drug dealers.

No, they look like doctors. (Chuckling) Come on.

I'm gonna go page myself for no reason.

That's the spirit. Look at this kid.

Okay. Let's get you set up.

Where's your garbage bag full of laundry for my wife to do?

No, no, no. I'm fine for this visit.

I'm staying in a hotel down in Abington.

"Hotel"?

With an "H," not an "M"?

Yeah. It's got all the perks, man.

Uncle Marv, you want to go play "Double Dragon" with me?

Nintendo Power Magazine said it wasn't coming out till January.

You read NP monthly? What, are you kidding me?

That's how I get all my news, kid.

Let's go. Get the hell in there!

While my dad was trying to keep his cool with his brother, my mom was about to turn up the heat in jazzercise class.

Dear Lord, it's like a "Twilight zone" world where everyone is you.

Just zip it and go put on your workout gear.

This is my workout gear.

(Laughs)

That's what you're gonna wear to get in the groove?

Are you insane?

Some might say what you're wearing is insane.

For your information, spandex wicks away sweat while enhancing muscle tone and skeletal girth.

Watch and learn.

You ladies ready to sweat?!

All: Yeah!

Reynaldo's an ex-marine.

I told him not to go easy on us.

Okay, you didn't tell me...

Sorry. A bet's a bet.

That's a deal that can't be broken.

My sister was starting to realize that she might have gotten in over her head.

(Upbeat music plays)

For the next hour, my mom lunged, squatted, and grooved with everything she had.

And Erica...

Eh, she was fine.

And cool down.

Whew! (Laughs)

I almost broke a sweat there.

But... you...

I won.

Now I don't have to spend time cooking with you all day.

It's a Thanksgiving miracle.

But it's tradition.

Mm, sorry. Bet's a bet.

That's a deal that can't be broken.

As my mom's Thanksgiving was falling apart, I was having a blast with my uncle.

Marvin: Oh, my gosh. You're like rain man with this.

You're unbeatable. Like, what is your secret?

I have a small social circle.

After three awesome hours of video games, we needed a break.

So we went to see a movie about video games, "The Wizard," a classic '80s drama about a boy who wins a fortune in the world's biggest video-game competition.

I love the Power Glove.

It's so bad.

You know it's based on a true story?

I'm pretty sure everything in this movie is fake.

Look, I'm the adult, okay? So I'm always right.

Just eat your popcorn. It makes your brain grow.

That movie was so awesome!

Oh, man.

And you're such a better player than that mute kid.

Oh, man, if I were you, I would consider dropping out of school altogether and just playing video games full time.

No. Nobody's quitting school.

I'm just trying to encourage your son.

To drop out.

It's a figure of speech, mur.

It's like, "hey, it's raining cats and dogs," or, "you can't drink in the park here."

Can't you just not be you for once?

(Groans) Fine.

How about I don't encourage him to be better at anything?

(Sighs) That's all I'm asking. (Sighs)

Well, buddy, you're gonna have to listen to your old man on this one.

But not I. I bought you something.

Consider it an early birthday present, okay?

Or a late one, depending on when your birthday is.

(Vocalizes angelically)

No way.

Yes way. (Choir vocalizes)

It was the Nintendo Power Glove.

It was magical, and it was mine.

I...Can't take this. I-it's too much.

With my guidance, you are going to become the greatest player that the Nintendo universe has ever seen.

With my help, there will be no "Mario" pipe un-searched, no space un-invaded, no donkey un-konged!

You maniac. (Laughs)

What's he up to, Al?

Laughing, having fun, supporting Adam...

It doesn't make any sense.

Uh, I think he's just laughing and having fun and supporting Adam.

That's crazy. Nobody does that.

Do you think maybe you're a little tiny bit jealous of the connection your brother has with your son?

Me? Jealous of Marvin?

The man who claims to have invented the rectangle.

(Scoffs)

But for the first time ever, uncle Marvin had something my dad didn't have... me.

(Laughter)

It was Thanksgiving morning, and my dad decided to connect with me for the best reason possible...

To stop his brother from doing it.

Hey, champ. What you up to?

I'm watching The Parade.

Snoopy Balloon's catching a pretty heavy breeze.

Good stuff.

Hey, how would you like to play some video games.

You know, like "Froggerman" or "Donkey Kid."

You want to play video games?

Oh, yeah! I love video games.

They're not a waste of time, and you learn valuable lessons, even though they're dumb.

(Electronic music plays) Not working.

The damn thing's not working!

You're swinging it. Stop swinging.

I'm batting? I thought I was pitching.

What are you doing? Just move like a normal human would.

What's wrong with my guy?

Why is he squatting? It looks like he's sick.

He's just bunting. Stop bunting!

I can't stop bunting!

Just push the "pause" button. Well, which is the "pause" button?

Stop mashing the buttons with your giant sausage fingers.

Okay! Now you're aggravating me!

Get this off of me!

It's stuck on my normal-sized fingers!

No... be gentle.

No! No!

You broke it!

You broke my favorite thing in the world!

You ruin everything!

As my father took a big swing and missed, my mother was feeling the effects of her own loss.

Whoa. I slept for 12 hours.

You know when you get too much sleep and then you're tired?

I might need a nap later.

I slept for two hours, had a nightmare that I'd abandoned you, and then I woke up and remembered that you'd abandoned me. (Chuckles)

So I just came downstairs to start this entire meal by myself like some sort of daughterless mother.

So, we're both good then?

Double or nothing! Let's go double or nothing.

Give me a chance to win you back.

Please stop.

If I win, you have to cook Thanksgiving dinner with me and learn all my traditions and never leave my side.

Fine.

But if I win, I get to avoid this craziness altogether and go to Lainey's for Thanksgiving.

You wouldn't.

I would.

And her family eats their dinner in front of the TV.

It's both sad and awesome.

Deal. But this time, no jazzercise.

We're gonna power walk.

You mean that non-running thing you do every morning?

(Chuckles)

Did you know that the world's fastest power walker out-walked a cheetah?

Yeah, that's not true.

Barry: Ankle weights on!

Okay, power walking has one and only one rule...

At least one foot must be in contact with the ground at all times.

Otherwise, it would just be running, which makes way more sense, but this is what you guys want to do, so it is what it is.

First one around the block wins.

And...

Walk!


Some say it was Carl Lewis who ran the most epic race in the '80s. But in our family, it was this.

Stop! Stop power walking into my body!

The Bevernator stops for no one.

Oops. Hey.

(Chuckles) Slipped up.

You stepped in dog poop.

(Sighs) Nice try.

No, I'm serious.

Really?

Oh!

That was low!

That was low!

Erica: Keep one foot on the ground!

You keep one foot on the ground!

You're running. That's against the rules.

But I'll allow it 'cause I don't care.

Take that!

Yes! Yes! I won!

Beverly: Ow.

Oh, it hurts.

(Groaning) Ow!

Something happened in my downstairs.

It's just north of my vajingo.

Ow!

Murray: How's your groin?

It hurts.

But not as bad as my heart.

I lost her, Murray. I lost our little girl.

I get it.

The kids would much rather see their friends, play video games, hang out with your dumb-ass brother.

Are we still talking about me?

I got a thing, too. I'm allowed.

Well, not today.

Help me over to that office chair so I can roll around.

Bevy, you can't cook Thanksgiving in a roller chair.

I have to try.

Ow! Ow. Ow.

That's it.

We'll order Chinese.

Oh, no, you won't!

The stakes are too high. (Inspirational music plays)

I need this meal.

I need to be knocked motionless by meat and gravy.

I need to eat until my pants grow tight and I move into elastic sweats.

Will I ever touch that weird, gloppy cranberry thing?

Probably not.

But I deserve to find out.

Give me this. Give me Thanksgiving.

I'm sorry, love bug. I tried, but I can't.

My groin is out of commission.

Then let me be your groin.

(Smoke alarm blaring)

You're burning the rolls.

I didn't say 600. I said 375.

Ohh! I'm not a scientist!

(Blaring stops)

(Sighs) Oh, this is hopeless.

You haven't even cleaned the Turkey yet.

I told you... I'm not reaching my hand in a Turkey's butt!

No way!

It's not that big a deal. Just do it.

(Squish)

Oh, no.

Oh, it's all cold and rubbery!

Aah! I touched something wet! I touched something wet!

Well, do something.

I'll use the nerd glove.

(Grunts)

Don't worry, champ.

I'll get that Power Glove fixed for you no problem...

Ohh, boy. It's in the butt.

Why? Why?!

Okay, so, I know that it's Thanksgiving, and I want to say what I'm thankful for.

My freedom. I'm leaving now.

Please, Erica. I need you.

I love Barry, but he ruins everything.

She's right. I suck.

What's going on? What did Marvin do now?

I'm just here dealing with the glove in the butt.

Why you got to accuse me of stuff?

I'll tell you why.

Because you've always got an angle.

You got some kind of grift going on.

I get caught grifting three times, and he's never gonna let me forget it already.

Just let him forget it already.

You brainwashed the kid, too.

I don't want you two spending any more time together.

Oh, well, then you're really not gonna like us traveling around the country together competing in Nintendo Championships!

What?

Adam: Like in "The Wizard."

He wants to take me town to town to hustle people in video games.

It's win-win... if he wins.

This has been fun, but, uh, where are my car keys, mom?

How should I know?

Open your hand.

No.

Open your hand.

No.

Mom. I shouldn't have to even say this out loud.

No one here is pursuing a career in video gaming.

You know, I don't have to take this abuse.

I'm out of here.

No! I got a perfectly good red lobster right across from my hotel.

Oh, here we go.

Good day to you, sir.

(Door opens, closes) Good day to you, sir!

No, good day to you, sir!

Okay, you're not going anywhere.

It's Thanksgiving!

Unacceptable!

Yes! (Crash)

All of this is unacceptable! I'm free!

Damn it! I dropped the orange potatoes!

Erica, take me with you.

Everybody, stop leaving me.

It's Thanks[Bleep]giving!

Have you been faking it this whole time?

No.

It's a Thanksgiving miracle. (Gasps)

No. I'm not going to Lainey's for Thanksgiving.

I'm going for the whole weekend.

I got Turkey schmutz on my hand for you.

Now, this feels like Thanksgiving.

Hey, uh...

I wrangled this out of the Turkey butt.

Toweled it off for you.

I don't want it.

Come on.

You can't honestly be angry at me for not letting you roam around the country with your uncle.

He'd lose you at the first rest stop.

Well, it's your loss, 'cause I could have been the champion and won it all...

Money, mansions, yachts, fast cars, fast women.

I think you may be overestimating the prizes.

Of course I am!

The world of high-stakes Nintendo isn't even real.

Then why the hell would you go along with your uncle?

'Cause it was nice for someone to actually get me for once.

As this landed with my dad, my sister was more than ready to take off.

Going somewhere?

Aah!

Pops, please.

I don't want to hear one of your adorable, wise lectures that makes me a better person.

Fine, I won't mix in.

But did you ever wonder why this holiday makes your mother so crazy?

'Cause she's crazy?

For sure, but there's a reason why this day means so much to her.

Because she always made dinner with Nana.

I know all about it.

Well, what you don't know is that your mom was 17 when she lost Nana.

I didn't realize that.

That box of recipes, the two of you cooking together, it all brings back your grandmother for her.

Why do you always got to make me a better person?

(John Parr's "St. Elmo's Fire" [Man in motion] Plays)

(Sighs) Come on. Let's go have Thanksgiving.

(Dialing) My dad was also trying to be a better person by beeping his brother to get him back...

(Beeper beeping)

No matter how far away he was, which turned out to be very close.

(Beeping continues)

(Beeping stops)

♪ Growing up, you don't see the writing on the wall ♪

Hey. Mur-man.

What brings you down to your basement on Thanksgiving?

Beeping! What are you doing here?!

I thought you were staying at a hotel.

I have a perfectly good explanation.

I'm a liar.

But what about the money, the Beeper Bayou in Trenton?

I got fired. It was totally unfounded.

All I did was sleep with the boss's wife for, like, a bunch of times.

Everything you do is wrong.

You're right. I just...

I should just stay as far away from your kid as humanly possible.

♪ Soldier on, only you can do what must be done ♪

Well, actually...

That's the one thing you've been doing right.

And I may have said some things, and that was only because...

♪ You're just a prisoner, and you're trying to break free ♪

I, uh... I was jealous.

You were jealous?

I was... jealous. ♪ I can see the new horizon underneath the blazing sky ♪

Of me?

♪ I'll be where the eagle's flying higher and higher ♪ I mean, yeah.

I'm the guy who invented the rectangle.

Okay. Are you jealous of anything else?

(Scoffs) Like my cool threads?

No.

What about my awesome hairdo?

No, I'm good.

What about the fact that you're gonna let me borrow $4,000 to invest in a garbage barge?

(Sighs)

Yeah, my uncle still annoyed my dad, but it was Thanksgiving.

It was a time for forgiving.

♪ I can make it, I know I can ♪

All right.

You get the eggs, and I'll get the hand mixer.

Shmoopie. You came home.

I guess I didn't want to miss out on our tradition.

♪ I can see the new horizon underneath the blazing sky ♪
♪ I'll be where the eagle's flying higher and higher ♪

Oh, my little Turkey. (Chuckles)

♪ Gonna be your man in motion ♪

I cooked you in my oven.

Okay, come on. Don't make me regret this.

Let's go. We got a family to feed.

Honey, it's too late. We'd have to start from scratch.

Hey. We are Goldbergs.

And we're gonna kick Thanksgiving's ass.

♪ Burning in me ♪

And they did. That day, they were in perfect sync.

And it was all my mom ever wanted.

♪ I can feel St. Elmo's fire burning in me ♪

We did it. (Both laugh)

(Chuckling) We kicked Thanksgiving's ass.

(Glass clinks)

I know I always drink too many Martinis, and I... give a toast about some beautiful dame from my past, but...

This is for my wife, Irene...

The most beautiful dame who ever lived.

♪ Just once in his life ♪

Here, here.

(Chuckles)

And that's a Goldberg Thanksgiving.

To Lainey.

We stuck to all of our traditions...

Pops gave his toast, my dad argued with Marvin at the table, and Barry ate himself into a coma.

But this year, there was one tradition that was new.

Move over. I want to shoot some ducks.

But w-what about your football match?

(Chuckles) Don't even try, all right?

Yep.

My dad and I played video games together, and it was glorious. (Dog chortling)

Why is the dog laughing at me?

Because you're terrible.

(Laughs) I don't know what I'm doing.

Here, you show me.

You hold it like this.

Tell me my life, okay? Tell me my life.

I watched you... as dictated by Barry and Beverly Goldberg.

Don't ruin my dinner. Come on, now.

You're ruining my dinner, okay?

Be... be my guest.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Oh, come on, now, Murray.

Yeah!

You're yelling at me. I don't need this crap.

(Door closes) Oh, hey.

Can you give me a hand in making some posters?

I'm trying to advertise my new business.

What could you ever offer the world that anyone would pay for?

We own a mower. I got a beeper.

Someone beeps me, I rush over and tend to all their landscaping needs.

That's... actually not a bad idea.

I know, right?

I've been posting signs all over the neighborhood.

"Barry, The Grass King... For all your grass needs.

Pick me.

Genius, right?

Oop! I got one!

And another!

Oh! And another!

Idiot!

You're the guy with the beeper who calls himself The Grass King.

Don't you get it?

Yah. I'm gonna be rich.