02x23 - Bill/Murray

Adult Adam: Back in the '80s, they combined the two greatest things in the world... music and television.

We all remember our favorite veejays introducing the coolest videos on a constant loop.

The budgets were as high as the hair, and the animation ranged from dancing cats to hunky cartoon boyfriends.

And no one was more addicted to it than me and my sister.

I can't decide whether that guy's hotter as a human or a cartoon.

If Jessica rabbit taught us anything... cartoon.

I mean, what did we even do before MTV existed?

I think we just listened to music like animals.

Hey!

Get out!

You've been watching this music MTV television for six hours.

Enough is enough. Go do your homework.

Well, if you think about it, I'm gonna be a musician, so this is my homework.

And if you really think about it, my life's passion is making films, so this is my homework, too.

Well, my passion is snuggies, which I'm gonna shower you with if you don't leave right now.

Go before I kiss your belly.

[Smooching]

And you... have you even looked at the college catalogs I brought you?

Actually, I have, and I've narrowed it down to my top choices.

[Laughing] Oh, yes! It's happening!

You're growing up.

Oh, no. It's happening. I'm not ready for this.

Make time stop. Make it stop!

Focus!

Okay, one option is the London Conservatory of Music.

Ocean between us... pass.

There's also an awesome music program at UCLA.

Country between us... pass.

Boston School of Music.

A Connecticut between us... pass.

Mom.

What about something here in town, like the prestigious Jenkintown Funk Academy?

That's the dance studio/karate dojo next to the Mattress Store.

[Sighs] There's got to be something within driving distance.

Well, I guess Juilliard is in New York.

That's my dream school, but no one gets in.

[Gasps]

We're going to Juilliard.

Okay, stop.

That's the best school in the country.

Best for you, closest for me.

I am gonna make this happen.

I'm not getting in.

We're going to Juilliard.

It's impossible.

We're going to Juilliard!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪
♪ But nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪
♪ I don't know the future ♪
♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was may 6, 1980-something.

The school day was going off without a hitch all thanks to the watchful eye of Principal Earl Ball.

Let's go, youngsters.

Activate those legs so we can activate those minds.

Ooh, yes.

That's definitely going into "Earl's pearls."

[Bang, clatter]

Aah! Oh.

Hello there, sir.

Um, there was a spill in science lab.

And we needed a mop.

We were kissing. She's pretty.

Why did you call me when it's usually my wife who handles this annoying school crap?

Well, truthfully, I couldn't reach her.

And more truthfully, I didn't try because she scares me.

Bill: Sorry I'm late.

We're having a sale down at the... son of a bitch.

Oh, this guy.

And that guy was Lainey's dad, my father's archenemy, Bill Lewis.

Look, I called you both in here today because we need to talk about what's going on with your kids.

There's nothing going on, because I very clearly and emphatically forbade it.

Well, for the third time this week, I caught them canoodling in secret.

It's unacceptable.

We have a saying in Texas... "don't blame the armadillo.

Blame the armadillo's dumb father."

Oh-ho.

We have a saying here... you're bald.

I'll have you know, the ladies love it.

Eh?

Okay.

What is happening here right now?

I'll tell you what's happening.

This schmuck lives in Philadelphia, yet he roots for the Dallas cowboys.

Who does that?

Red-blooded Americans, that's who does that.

Got to say, it surprises me, this friction that exists between the two of you, considering how similar you are.

Please.

Come on.

No, no, no.

For example, you're both fathers.

You're both small-business owners.

You both seem very angry.

That is true.

I'll give you that.

And you're both football fans.

Now, this is a bond which I can respect as a lifelong fan of the New York football Giants.

Whoa, you're a Giants fan?

Why the hell do you live in Philadelphia?

He's got a point.

Unlike the Giants last season.

[Both laugh]

Hey-oh! Whoa!

For your information, we won the conference last year, so suck it!

So what I actually mean to say is that it's always easier to get along than be short with each other.

And that is one of "Earl's pearls" you can take to the bank.

Well, thank you for your wise advice and, uh, the Giants suck.

Yeah. They suck so hard.

But good luck next season.

Whoops.

That day, my dad and Bill Lewis discovered their mutual hatred of the Giants wasn't the only thing they had in common.

What are you doing here?

Everyone knows it's the best bar across the street from the school.

Do you know how I discovered this place?

Last year's Christmas concert... I bailed at intermission.

You lasted a lot longer than I did.

Woof!

40 kids playing "Jingle Bells" on the clarinet?

I mean, how does that ever end well?

I'll tell you how it ends... with five of these, Bill.

[Laughs] You got that right, Murray.

Hey, "Bill Murray," like the Ghostbuster.

[Both laugh]

That's funny. I love Bill Murray.

Oh, he's the best.

Remember, uh, "Caddyshack"?

Yeah.

[As Carl Spackler] "Cinderella story.

Used to be a greenskeeper, about to be masters champion.

Got about an eight iron, I think.

It's in the hole." [Both laugh]

"It's in the hole. I'm in 'stripes.'"

[Normal voice] Wow. That is terrible.

Yeah. Impressions aren't my thing.

[As Carl Spackler] "Well, at least you got that going for you."

As my dad started to break the ice with his archnemesis, my mom was heating up her quest to make Erica's dream of Juilliard come true.

Mrs. Goldberg, I understand that the college admissions process can be a very scary journey.

The best thing I can say is I'm scared, too.

Honestly, it is hard out there.

Wow. That's your opening?

I'm sorry. I've been up for the past 26 hours.

I have a sick parrot at home.

Well, the good news is, we've narrowed down our top choice to Juilliard.

I know it's long shot, but do you think I have a chance of getting in?

Absolutely.

Erica, you can do anything that you set your mind to.

It's like my posters say...

"Keep reaching for the stars," "Hang in there," and that's the band Rush.

That's because I'm the cool guidance counselor who shows up at the school basketball games in a casual polo.

See, Erica? This can happen.

This is so cool. [Laughs]

Well, I'm gonna go work on my audition. Thanks, Mom.

[Chuckles] Oh, that's the spirit.

You can do anything you want... anything at... ah, yeah, she ain't gonna get in.

Excuse me?

Look, Erica is very talented, but Juilliard is another level, okay?

They only take the best of the best.

And that's my daughter.

Okay, let me break it down for you.

Imagine all of the best people in a room.

They only pick the best of those best people.

My daughter.

Okay.

Maybe I'm not making myself clear.

We start with the best.

My daughter.

Not just at this school, but of all the people... the whole world.

They only pick the best of those best people.

So, when can we take a tour?

You know, maybe a visual aid might help you understand this a little bit better.

[Click] [Cello plays]

This is Patty Snitzenberg.

She wrote this piece.

She carved the cello.

She's also blind.

And they rejected her like the cold sons of bitches that they are.

Well, Erica is getting into Juilliard.

You want to know why?

'Cause I will make it happen. [Chuckles]

You don't know the things I've done for my children.

You don't want to know.

I kind of want to know.

You cannot know.

Look, this has happen.

I convinced her to apply. I gave her hope.

Yeah, I used to have a "hope" poster up there, too.

Then I realized it was giving the kids too much unrealistic hope.

But with my mom in charge, we didn't need hope.

Meanwhile, my dad was charged up on his new friendship.

Look at you handsome fellas.

The hell's the matter with you?

Yeah.

You seem happy when you should be super angry with me.

Nah. You're a cute kid.

What?

Okay, what's going on here?

Nothing. I just had lunch with Bill Lewis.

You know, once you get past the shiny head... not so awful.

Oh, my God. You're friends now?!

Let's not get crazy.

This is amazing!

If Mr. Lewis likes you, then he'll like me.

I'm proud of you, Mur.

Never thought I'd see the day where you made a friend.

What are you talking about? I got friends.

Name one. Vic.

He's your employee. You pay him to be around you.

What about Deli guy? Love Deli guy.

You only love him 'cause he gives you corned beef.

Do you even know what he looks like?

Yeah, Deli guy.

You know, uh... Wears an apron.

Goes like this.

[Sighs] Face it, Dad.

This is your first real friend.

So, when are you hanging out next?

Okay, he's just a guy I had lunch with.

It's no big deal.

[Telephone rings]

Hello?

Hold on.

It's him.

Play it cool.

Tell him you're on the other line with another friend.

Get out of here.

Hey, Bill.

Yeah. Nothing.

Just, uh, watching the tube. [Sighs]

Are you kidding? I love cheesesteaks.

Barry!

Get off the phone. I can hear you breathing.

Ask him how he's feeling, then compliment his telephone voice. Barry!

As my dad made plans with his new best friend, my mom had her own plan to make Erica look like the best of the best.

Hi, Juilliard admissions board.

I'm Erica Goldberg from Jenkintown, Pennsylvania.

And I'm going to play... cut.

Cut. That's a cut.

No, not "cut."

I'm in the middle of my Juilliard audition.

Hon, I love the spirit and the passion and everything you're doing here, but it's, like, "gag me with a spoon."

Sorry, do you kids still say that?

We never really did.

You need a video that stands out, like the ones on your MTV music television.

Ooh, I like where you're heading here.

We're talking crazy camera angles, pyrotechnics, jiggly girls.

Everyone loves jiggly girls.

We'll put a pin in that one.

Guys, Juilliard is a serious place.

I just need to showcase my voice.

You said it yourself...

MTV is the way people want to experience music these days.

Sure, you can sing.

But we also want show them that you're a star like Madonna.

But you really are a virgin. Say you're a virgin.

Actually, no, don't tell me.

I guess a cool audition tape would kind of make me stand out.

You focus on your music and leave the rest to us.

Yeah.

By the time we're done, Juilliard will be begging you to go.

Just trust Mama.

Erica: Nothing crazy.

[Chuckles] You got it, Schmoopie.

We got to figure out how to get a white stallion down here.


It was Saturday afternoon, and my dad was about to take his friendship with Bill Lewis to the next level.

I'm going out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait.

Going where? DMV? Car wash?

Picking up trash on the highway?

I'm meeting Bill Lewis.

Exactly.

This is the first time you're hanging out with your new, special friend.

You're looking like a Monday morning when I need you to look like a Friday night.

I usually sit in front of the TV with no pants on Friday night.

Seems like that's most nights.

Look, Lainey and I need this friendship to work.

That means putting in some actual effort.

But not too much effort.

You don't want to seem like you're trying too hard.

Here, let me fix this.

Stop it, you moron.

I'm having cheesesteaks with another middle-aged man.

He doesn't care what I look like.

Of course not.

Although my dad does have some surprisingly strong opinions about loafers.

He's not a fan.

Would you consider changing to a lace-up?

No! Where'd you get my shoes?

Do you even have an icebreaker?

Anecdote, topic of conversation, funny joke?

You guys are nuts.

[Groans] Get out of my head!

And so began the first and only bromance of Murray Goldberg's life.

For the next two weeks, their adventures would become the stuff of legend.

Bill and Murray were a dynamic duo that shared so much in common...

Like TV... And sitting.

And food and more food and bathroom breaks...

And napping... and sitting and sweating...

Could you turn the air-conditioning on?

Right over there.

Meh.

And TV... [Laughs]

And more TV.

You think I could pull off a Magnum mustache?

You throw away your razor and buy a Hawaiian shirt, because you are Magnum.

Ha.

♪ Everyone ♪ A Sony watchman.

Bill, you shouldn't have.

Well, I saw it, and a TV reminded me of you.

1 1/2-inch screen, glorious black-and-white, and you can take this thing anywhere and no one will even notice.

This is perfect for my on-the-go lifestyle.

Yup, my dad was discovering the highs of true friendship.

Unfortunately, he was about to discover the lows.

Well, it's late. I guess I should go.

You sure you don't want to watch me watch?

Nah, I can't.

To be honest, I should probably be by myself.

Tough night for me and all.

Okay.

'Cause seven years ago today my wife left me to raise Lainey on my own.

O-okay.

Kind of rocked my world. - O-okay.

I guess talking it out would be helpful.

Or taking a nice walk alone.

[Sighs]

And with that, Bill Lewis opened up his heart to my closed-off dad.

[Sobbing]

I wish I had some batteries.

Meanwhile, I was downstairs kicking off my career as a visionary music-video director.

Whoa. What's with the stool, honey?

Don't call me "honey." It's weird.

And what's all this crap?

Okay, I watched seven straight hours of MTV, and I cracked their formula.

A music video is one part thumping bass, one part big hair, and one part animated dancing cat.

Go away.

Trust your director.

Ditch the stool and sit on this taxidermy ram.

And my mom said I was creepy for owning this.

Um, why is Dave Kim here?

We needed a crew, and he said he would work for free if he could stand close to you.

Classic love story... pop star falls for roadie.

That's never happened in the history of music.

Oh, it will. In fact, it's already begun.

Action.

[Wind gusting] ♪ You with the sad eyes ♪
♪ Don't be discouraged ♪

As director, it was my job to amp up my sister's tender love ballad.

First, the wind machine...

Gah! Why?!

Next, a rock 'n' roll reptile...

♪ So small... ♪

Followed by a thick, haunting fog.

[Coughs] Can anyone hear me?

And since all my mom cared about was getting Erica into Juilliard, she paid for a blue screen.

Stop it. Mom, what are you doing?

It's a dancing cat like in the Paula Abdul video.

My mom even hired a band of sexy, stone-faced, Robert Palmer dancers from the Jenkintown Funk Academy.

Yep, I drew from every badass music video before me, from A-ha to ZZ Top, and it was genius.

Meanwhile, my dad was looking for a clever way to bail on his friend.

Hey, guys.

[Sobbing]

Help me.

I should go.

[Groans, clears throat]

No, I should. Uh...

[Bill breathing heavily, sobbing]

Okay, let's go out the back door.

Come on.

[Sighs] Thanks for this, Mur.

It's nice to have a friendly ear to count on.

[Sniffles] See you soon?

Yeah, we'll be in touch.

Drive safe, Pal. [Door closes]

And that concludes my brief foray into friendship.

Wait, what? No!

He cried on my shirt... on my shirt!

Deli guy never cries on my shirt.

Deli guy isn't your friend!

I'm sorry, but Bill's got to go.

Don't you dare hurt him.

He's a wonderful person and the gatekeeper to the only hot girl I ever tricked into liking me.

It's over, Barry. Move on.

Okay, I don't want to get real right now, but if you blow this friendship, I'm gonna be extremely angry.

You're always angry.

Damn it! It's so true and even more angering!

For the next week, my dad avoided Bill Lewis as my mom desperately waited for me to finish my masterpiece.

Aah!

I'm trying to work here.

The deadline for Juilliard is this week.

Just show us what you've got.

[Sighs]

So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors

Stop it! Stop it. Stop.

This part's definitely not right.

Adult Adam: ...I said, knowing what was to come.

My intention was for Erica to be beckoned into a magical cartoon world like in the A-ha video, but it ended up looking like this.

...Inside you can make you feel so small
And I see your true colors

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

My God!

Here's the thing...

I may have bitten off more than I could chew.

It turns out animation is really hard and it requires hundreds of people.

This is terrible! I can't send this in.

Look, we all agree this video isn't it.

Not it?

Are you seeing what I'm seeing?

There's robots punching dragons, and I'm a droopy-eyed stick figure riding a unicorn!

Gag me with a spoon!

See, I knew you still used that phrase.

You know, I could probably cover a lot of this with smoke.

A lot of [Bleep] smoke.

Just forget it. I'm not an idiot.

I know I'm not the best, and I probably have no chance of getting into Juilliard.

Adult Adam: And at that moment, my mom knew Erica was right.

I'm sorry, Mom, but it's over.

Turns out, my mom's dream of keeping Erica close to home was only pushing them apart.

Ever since Bill's emotional outburst, my dad had been avoiding him.

Only problem... he couldn't hide forever.

[Bell dings]

Oof. Hide me.

Huh?

Hey, Mur.

There you are, standing behind that other guy.

It's me, Bill Lewis.

Oh, hey, Bill.

What are you doing here, where I work?

Hadn't heard from you in a week.

Thought I'd drop on by, see if you're okay.

Yeah, well, uh, we've just been crazy-busy here at work.

[Chuckles] Yeah.

Anyway, hey, you want to hit tgi Fridays?

It's like every day is Friday at that place.

Actually, I got lunch plans with Vic.

Who's Vic?

I'm Vic.

You and Vic buddies?

I never heard you mention him before.

Yeah, we don't hang out much. He's just an employee.

Was I just an employee when we went clamming together that one time?

You went clamming with this man, and you didn't invite me?

I didn't even know you then.

It was nothing.

Oh, is that right?

What's the problem here, Mur-man?

You know what the real problem is?

You and your man tears.

Murray's got walls.

How about you, Vic?

You want to hit up tgi Fridays with me?

No, man. I don't know you.

Well, this is a fine how-do-you-do.

I'll see you never.

Walls, Murray. You got walls.

As my dad watched his only friend walk out of his life, my mom was finally ready to set Erica off on her own path.

Hey, schmoopie-boops.

Stop it. I told you no more music MTV videos.

Agreed.

This is the way you should have done it all along... your way.

W-what's the point?

The point is to try.

Look, don't give up just because I pushed you in the wrong direction.

My mom finally accepted that she couldn't control where her little girl would get into college.

Take this guitar and do what you do best.

But as long as Erica stayed true to herself, she'd always find her way back home.

♪ You with the sad eyes ♪
♪ Don't be discouraged ♪
♪ Oh, I realize ♪
♪ It's hard to take courage ♪
♪ In a world full of people ♪
♪ You can lose sight of it all ♪ Miss him, don't you?

No Then why are you watching the teeny TV he gave you when there's a big one right there?

♪ I see your true colors ♪
♪ Maybe it was kind of nice to have somebody to hang out with...

♪ Shining through ♪

...Even though he cried.

♪ I see your true colors ♪

Murray, that's what friendship is.

You got to be there in the good times and in the bad.

I guess I'm just not cut out for that kind of thing.

♪ So don't be afraid ♪ No, you are.

'Cause of all the friends I ever made in my life...

♪ Your true colors ♪
♪ True colors ♪ ...You're my favorite.

Turns out, Bill wasn't my father's first friend.

♪ Like a rainbow ♪ It was Pops.

And it made my dad realize that opening yourself up isn't as hard as he thought.

Hey.

Oh, it's you.

Should I leave?

'Cause you never know when I might express my feelings... you know, like a human being.

If you're sad, you can talk to me about your ex-wife and all.

♪ Show me a smile, then ♪

I'm actually feeling better today.

Thank God.

[Chuckles]

♪ Don't be unhappy ♪ Hey, Bill Murray.

♪ Can't remember ♪ It's funny how life works out.

You find that your worst enemy can become your greatest ally.

And the greatest guidance counselors aren't the ones you're given in school.

They're the people who love you most.

♪ Just call me up ♪

Well, here goes nothing.

♪ Because you know I'll be there ♪ No matter what happens...

You'll always be the best of the best to me.

♪ Shining through ♪

'Cause in the end, when you've got family to help guide you and good friends to lean on...

♪ And that's why I love you ♪

...Nothing in life is impossible.

[As Dr. Peter Venkman] "And the flowers are still standing."

[Laughs] "I'm Bill Murray. 'Meatballs' and 'scrooged.'"

[Normal voice] You know, that's not really an impression.

♪ Are beautiful ♪ Funny movies, though.

They're very funny.

Funny movies.

[Ding!]

I know you still got a couple of years here, but we like to check in early to see where you're thinking of going to college.

Where did you go to school?

Princeton.

Okay. Let's cross that off the list.

Princeton happens to be a very prestigious university.

But you're here.

So...

Hey, I have a lot of side projects.

Like what?

I sculpt.

I'm working on a heart-smart cookbook, and I have my bird.

Yeah, maybe there's someone else I can talk to.

That'd probably be best.

Hang in there, Andre, hang in there.