04x09 - Globetrotters

Adult Adam: Back in the '80s, basketball was all about showmanship. Flying through the air, slamming and jamming with style. And nobody did it better than the Harlem Globetrotters. And there was no bigger fa than my brother Barry. He spent hours trying to be the next Curly Neal, perfecting his buzzer-beating hook shot.

3... 2... 1!

Still one!

One!

One!

One... A dunk at the buzzer!

The Globetrotters are crowned champions of the universe!

(Mimics crowd cheering)

That year, my dad got two tickets to a 'Trotters game and Barry was beside himself. Even walking pneumonia wouldn't stop him.

All set...

It's 80 degrees out, you moron.

I got the shivers and sweats.

Just means I'm super psyched.

Not so fast.

Murray, look at your son!

Can't you see he's pale and clammy?

I don't like looking at him too much.

Okay, come here, I got to put my lips on your forehead and take your temperature.

I'm fine! Keep your lips off me!

Come here, come here.

Mwah! Oh, my God!

You must be 102.3! You're with fever!

I'm not with fever.

There's no science to putting lips on a forehead.

Why do you think they call it a ther-mom-eter?

Mom is in the name. 'Cause we invented it.

Yeah, none of that's real.

Enough. Come on, let me carry you upstairs and tuck you in bed.

You'll have to catch me first!

(Grunts) Oh! Body failing.

What am I gonna do with these damn tickets?

How about taking your healthy son?

Adam? To a sporting event?

Yes. Why is that so crazy?

Oh, good! An audience!

Does this sound insanely realistic to you?

Rikak-kak-kak-kak-kak! Rikak-kak-kak-kak!

Son of a bitch, this one's sick, too.

No, I'm Michael Winslow from "Police Academy."

You know, the man of 10,000 sound effects!

He's cornered the market on mouth-based noise comedy until now!

Until now.

Wokka, wokka, wokka, wokka, wokka, wokka, wokka, wokka.

Mrawww!

Okay, you're coming with me.

We're going to go see some basketball.

Am I in trouble?

No, this is gonna be good for you.

Are you kidding me?

This nerd doesn't know a lay-up from a bank shot.

Go on, ask him! Ask him what a bank shot is!

Is it when you make tons of bank for shooting the orange ball real good?

If I could stand, I'd punch this entire house down!

Come on, let's put you snuggly in bed.

Schmoo, have fun with your dad.

This is gonna suck.

Yep.

(Laughs)

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Ohh! (Laughs)

This does not suck! Not at all!

This is so funny! Sports is so funny!

I finally get the craze!

Hoo-hoo! He gets the craze!

Yeah!

Whoo-hoo!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪
♪ But nonetheless, I feel the need to say ♪
♪ I don't know the future ♪
♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was December 7, 1980-something, a very special day in the Goldberg house.

Bah!

Gah! Why?

Perfect! Hold that face and do it exactly like that tonight at your surprise party, only be wearing pants.

No, no, no. I told you!

No surprises, no parties, no anything!

Murray, it's your 50th birthday.

Your nifty-fifties. Yeah!

I don't see what's so nifty about me throwing out my back every time I blow my nose.

It's a major milestone!

That's why I'll be sitting in that chair watching TV in my underpants.

No. That's what you did for birthdays 19 through 49.

This year you're celebrating right, so give Mama what she needs.

And--- surprise!

That was terrible. And, again, 1, 2, 3, surprise!

Surprise!

Surprise!

I'm not surprised.

Come on, one more time. And...surprise.

I'm not digging this. This is just not good.

That negative attitude is what made Erica decide not to go to college.

What?!

That's the fe!

Now go upstairs and practice in the mirror, okay?

Go, go, go.

Happy birthday!

As my mom was planning a kick-ass surprise party, I was planning a badass Globetrotters routine.

All right, guys. The camera's rolling -- let's work on our tiny passes!

All: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

I'm not sure what I'm watching, but this is wonderful.

Commence ladder trick!

(Groans)

Cut!

Dude. You got to catch the ball.

But the ladder says don't stand on the very top step.

Bro, we're training to be the next Globetrotters!

That means we follow one rule-- find the funny.

Hyah!

Ow! Not funny!

What are you dorks doing on my court/our driveway?

Basketball is my sport, along with all the other sports.

Get your own -- but you can't, 'cause they're all mine!

Not anymore.

You never told me basketball had so much flair and showmanship and broad comedy.

Being a 'Trotter was my dream, not yours.

To be fair, you have like a million dreams.

There's bound to be some crossover with your brother.

No way! Adam infects everything he touches with his geeky nerd poison.

I mean, look how wildly uncomfortable he is holding that ball.

Tell you what. How about we settle this once and for all?

Trotters versus Generals.

You want us to be the Generals?

The pathetic losers that the Globetrotters always crush?

Okay, numb nuts, just to make it fair, we'll play to 11 points.

I'll spot you the first 10.

Let the basketball show commence.

Oh, boy.

Okay, routine one!

Let's give them that razzle dazzle!

We'd razzle 'em but good.

All: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

Yep, with our best Globetrotter moves, there was no way we'd lose especially with a 10-point lead.

Go, B.

Whoo!

All net, no sweat.

Okay, a 9-point lead.

Um, could you back up a scooch?

We need way more space for our antics.

Turns out our antics were no match for their actual basketball skills. Whoo! Within two minutes, our 10-point lead became a 1-point lead. Even the classic Globetrotters pants yanking was thwarted by their stupid belts.

Damn it!

No worries, let's put this to bed with routine six.

Yeah!

Which was the unbeatable water bucket trick.

One drop touches me and you're dead.

Yes, Mr. Naked, sir.

Now pour it on yourself. Do it.

Dear Lord!

My beautiful hair!

Have some pride, Dave Kim.

This is so demeaning. It really was. Turns out we were the Washington Generals. Whoo!

And that is how you dominate at sports.

You guys suck. Ain't that right, JTP!

JTP! JTP! JTP! JTP!

Yeah!

Aah!

While Barry put the brakes on my dreams, my dad was getting ready for his nightmare of a party. But first, he'd take a classic Murray Goldberg power nap.

Five minutes won't hurt.

And that five-minute catnap lasted a whopping two hours.

Erica, there's more coats.

I'm moving as fast as I can.

As the guests piled in, my dad was nestled in a coat cocoon and MIA from his own party.

After a frantic search, my mom had to improvise.

(Clears throat)

Friends, family, co-workers, those closest to Murray.

I'd like to thank you so much for being here tonight, especially cousin Irving who pushed back his gall bladder surgery to fly in from Boca.

Ouch.

And a big thank you to Aunt Rose who made us her famous ice cream cake.

The likeness is uncanny. Murray is so touched.

Then where the hell is he?

Yes, it has been a beautiful night.

(Quietly) Erica, they're turning on us, go get their damn coats.

Oh sweet God! Dad! Wake up!

What's that? What'd I miss?

What time is it?

Before you get mad, you should lie down under these coats.

It's amazing.

Aunt Rose made your face out of ice cream!

Ooh! I'll have a slice of me.

Well, you can't! Thanks to your little disappearing act, the whole thing melted! It's ice cream soup.

I'm a milkshake.

Well, that's the dream.

Enjoy your coats!

While my dad was cutting out on his party, I was cutting together some b-ball greatness.

("Sweet Georgia Brown" plays)

And that, my friends, is what we call the magic of editing.

You made it look like we totally crushed them.

We... suck! You... dominate... at sports. We are losers.

Whoa, it's seamless!

Funny, what is that?

(Whispers) Dude, super-cool senior Rubn Amaro Jr.'s talking to us!

I know, Dave Kim.

Hey, yo, JC! Corbett! Get in here!

You got to see this video.

Um, it's more intended for a private audience.

Dave: What are you doing?

Win their friendship through a mutual love of sports.

I... smell... like... ball... sweat.

(Laughter)

That's hilarious. Self-burn.

Man, this is classic. What's your name, bro?

Adam F. Goldberg.

Got to use the middle initial cause there's another Adam Goldberg in school, and he's very mad about the whole same-name situation.

Hey, can we get a copy?

No. Take the original.

I guess you can borrow it.

I just want to make sure we keep it between us athletic pals. Cool?

Super cool, bro.

Barry Goldberg's Globetrotting Suck Show?

In my defense, I only gave it to the jocks so I would look awesome and you would look dumb.

You get it.

Well, the jocks gave it to the burners who gave it to the debate team who gave it to the bell choir.

Those weirdos laughed at me. The bell choir, dude!

They hold bells and go, bong!

I'm lower than bell people now!

Honestly, the tape was only meant to be shared with my bros on the basketball team.

Those bros are my bros, not yours!

From this point forward, I forbade you from liking anything I like.

Yeah, you can't do that.

Oh, I can!

Starting now, stay away from the following Barry Goldberg trademark hobbies and interests --

Globetrotters, karate, Bo staff, Air Jordans, competitive kiting, extreme BMXing, hot showers, conga lines, and diving into an icy river with a knife in your mouth.

I own that move. I also claim Skittles and soda!

You can't claim an entire genre of beverage.

That's madness!

And it's mine!

I also own roller skating, eating chili, half and full nelsons, Chuck Norris, and boobs.

No! That's too far!

You can't claim boobs!

Everyone likes boobs.

Have fun sticking to your dumb hobbies like robots and glasses.

Glasses aren't a hobby.

They're a corrective accessory to combat my wandering eyeball.

Exactly!

You stay in your lame nerdy world, and I'll stay in my awesome one.

'Sup, scrub?

Know your place, bell people!

No, your human oils!


It had been a day since Barry said I couldn't share his interests, and he was enforcing it.

Hey, I'm watching that.

"The A-Team's" mine, get your own show!

Fruit-based accomplishments belong to Big Tasty!

Get your own weird talents.

Struggling to poke the straw into a juice pouch is my thing!

Come on, man, this is crazy!

You can't just lay claim to anything past, present, or future.

Oh, yes, I can!

And I'm gonna keep on doing it till you're left with nothing.

(Whispers) Nothing.

Barry had just declared war on me.

Nothing!

Meanwhile, my dad was entering a battlefield of his own.

Welcome home, darling.

Can I interest you in a cold beverage or a delicious beefy snack?

What is this?

Have a seat, Mur.

Forget parties.

I know this is what you really wanted for you birthday.

Clearly a trap, but sure.

Comfy? Quite.

Fantastic. Thank you.

It's a trap!

I know. Erica!

See, I've been scrapbooking our family for over 20 years.

And not only do you refuse to be in any of the photos, the few times you are, you look like this.

What? That's how I look. That's my face.

You don't value any memories.

So you are gonna sit here and look at all these books until you prove to me that you care about our meaningful moments.

Bevy, this is how I was raised.

We don't make a fuss.

Doesn't mean I don't pay attention.

It's all up here in my brain.

Oh, please.

This noggin is the world's greatest scrapbook.

Which baby is this?

Uh... The moron.

Which moron?

Eri-baaaarry-aaaadam.

That's it. I guess you're gonna be looking at these books until your 60th birthday.

Son of a bitch. How many of these are there?

Well, this is just the first nine months of my life.

While my mother turned up the heat,

I was about to turn the tables on Barry.

What am I looking at?

Oh, I'm just chilling in my Flyers shirt, eating Boo Berry, watching Jean-Claude Van Damme, you know, classic me stuff.

That is not classic you, it's classic me.

Too bad you didn't call it.

I mean, you gave me a specific list, and none of this stuff was on it.

Everyone knows I own spooky cereal, Flyers gear, and JC Van D.

It goes without saying! Turn off that movie right now!

Ooh, I would if it were a Chuck Norris flick, but JC Van D wasn't on your list, so now he's on mine.

You take off my shirt and step away from the Boo Berry, I mean it.

Should I step away from the cereal like this?

Don't you dare moonwalk away from that cereal.

I own that move that Michael Jackson made up!

But you didn't call it, and I did!

Those are fighting words, and you know it.

Go ahead. I already have my favorite martial arts weaponry to protect me.

No, I called 'chuking! I remember listing it off.

Yeah, you picked Bo staff, which is basically just a long stick!

What do you want?

I want the trotters of Harlem who travel around the globe.

You give them to me, and you can be you again.

Never.

Fine, take your stick.

I've got a rap album to cut. Peace.

How could I forget rap?

I called competitive kiting, but not rap?

Yep, I was great at being Barry. Only problem-- he was just as great at being me.

Greetings, earthling.

What are you doing in my room?

Just diving into the world of nerd stuff I love that you never called.

You know, playing with He-Guy, stretching Neil Armstrong, playing with this weirdly hot cat lady.

That's Cheetara.

Cheetabra.

Her precognition...

Prenition. and immense speed...

Fence speed. make her an asset to the Thundercats the Tundra Dads.

Okay, I get it.

You're trying to take my things now.

Is that what's going on?

I was wondering why Barry was insisting I hang out with him and give him sage advice.

Not now, old best friend.

I'm busy filming a movie, which is mine now.

I call all of movie-making.

Big action scene happens! Boom, Hollywood!

(Camera shutter clicking)

It's tedious, but fun.

You're moving her too fast. It's gonna look weird.

Do you mind? This is my movie.

Wow, this is a commitment.

Move faster. I'm wasting my life here.

I could be outside riding my bike around.

How do you do this all day long?!

Don't you get it? This isn't a threat.

I hate your hobbies!

Globetrotters are mine!

Okay, this meshugaas has gone on long enough.

There's must be some way to work this out.

Fine, nerd. I'll play for it.

Winner takes all, both globe and Trotters.

Fine. But we play by their rules.

It's not about who scores the most points, but who scores the most laughs!

You want funny?

No crowd can resist my antics.

Look what I'm doing.

Look at the way my body's moving right now.

Ahh-ahh-ahh-choo!

Oh no! I'm sneezing hilarity!

'Cause laughter's the best medicine.

Antics!

(Armpit farting)

You want comedy? These aren't real, dude.

That's just my hand cupped into my sweaty armpit.

I'm the greatest basketball player alive!

And I'm the most pregnant! Look at me, sports fans.

I'm with child, and you love me for it.

And I'm a doctor delivering your ball baby!

No, no! Aah!

This is a sad day for Harlem.

Sorry, no TV until you go through every scrapbook.

You know, I've given this a lot of thought.

And I realize I do mark the moments.

As a matter of fact, I kind of have my own scrapbook collection.

You? Scrapbooks?

Take my hand, I want to show you something.

This-- this right here, this is how I mark the moment.

These are our tax returns.

To you. To me, they're reminders of us, of our family.

Every receipt has a memory.

This right here, this is where Erica got her braces.

Ha, and look at this!

This is where we bought Adam his first video camera!

Wow, these receipts really mean a lot to you, huh?

They mean everything.

And I keep them all here in my heart file.

Oh, Murray.

That's the thing about marking the moment, everyone does it in their own way.

What a crock of [bleep]!

I mean, tax returns? In your heart file?

Really?

Look. I had it rough as a child, and I just realized that my dad --

Boo!

You're not buying it, not even the stuff about the mean Dad?

No. So Mom didn't buy your tax thing?

She did not.

And you added the stuff about your crappy childhood?

I did. You know, you've always acted like you don't care.

I guess, in my heart, I hoped it was all a front, but if none of this really means anything to you, then I'll stop trying.

It was time for me and Barry to face off in the biggest athletic matchup of our lives!

Okay, you know the rules.

First man to make RubÃin and his crew crack up wins the game.

Is this gonna take long? 'Cause we got practice.

Trust me, time flies when you're laughing your ass off.

This was it. Globetrotter versus Globetrotter for the ultimate Globetrotter title!

Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

They're all passing in a circle.

It makes no sense!

It really didn't. And worst of all, our antics amused no one and confused everyone.

They're all in the same uniform.

I can't tell who's on what team.

Loose ball, somebody grab it already!

We were forced to bring out the big guns-- the worm!

Look at this court.

After that, our game descended into desperation and shoddy ventriloquism.

It's my family reunion!

Lucky for Barry, he had one last trick up his sleeve-- the classic Globetrotter surprise pantsing.

No! Dude, you can'pants yourself!

That ruins the whole thing!

Pull them up so I can do it!

Never!

You can't un-pants someone.

That's just helping them get dressed.

Pull them up! Pull them up!

No! No!

Stop! Stop the game.

You guys took something beautiful and silly and made it ugly and silly.

But who won? It's zero-zero.

Nobody scored a point.

But who was funnier?

It kind of seems like you need a win so... you.

Winner!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Ha! It's official!

The Globetrotters are my thing!

Add it to the list.

Meadowlark, Curly, the other randoms.

Mine!

Fine. Take 'em.

Take everything.

You win, so I'll stay out of your life.

Sure, Barry had won the game, but, at that moment, he realized he'd lost me. As for my dad, he finally understood what my mom meant about capturing meaningful moments. And for the first time, he wanted to be the one to do it.

♪ Each day, I live I want to be ♪

All: Surprise!

Oh, my God, look at her face.

That's the real deal!

Are you throwing a surprise party for you... for me?

You know I hate all the fuss, but you're right.

I should be in the moment more.

And that's what I'm doing.

Marking the moment... with you.

Aww, sweetie.

This is the best surprise party for you I've ever not thrown.

All: Speech!

All right. Well...

Everyone knows I'm not much for words or parties.

♪ I rise and fall, yet through it all ♪

But, um, I have to say, looking out and seeing all of you...

♪ This much remains ♪

...that's gonna stay with me for a long time.

♪ I want one moment in time ♪

For your scrapbook!

With that, my dad finally marked the moment. As for me, I'd finally given sports back to Barry, or so I thought.

Hey, so, I know you're making one of your movies and all...

♪ When all of my dreams are a heartbeat away ♪

...but I thought maybe we could shoot some hoops.

No, sports are your thing.

Yeah, I guess that's why I went so crazy.

♪ And the answers are all up to me ♪

It's just...

♪ Give me one moment in time ♪

I'm supposed to be the athlete of the family, you know?

If you start liking the Globetrotters, then who am I?

♪ When I'm racing with destiny ♪

But after our little showdown in the gym, I'm thinking this is the one thing we can share.

Come on, I'll be the Generals.

♪ Then in that one moment of time ♪

Okay, just like we practiced.

And...

Look, I'm doing it!

So maybe I'd never be great at sports... and didn't have a ton in common with my brother... but that night, we were on the same team.

That's the thing about family. For all the fighting and surprises, it's the little moments that make us remember how lucky we really are.

♪ I will be, I will be free ♪
♪ Happy birthday, dear Murray ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you! ♪

So did you have fun, Dad?

I had a good time.

Good 50th birthday?

Wonderful.

(Music Playing)