04x12 - Snow Day

Back in the '80s, there was nothing more exciting than the chance of a snow day. We all remember the morning ritual. We'd wake up at dawn, hop out of bed at lightning speed, rush downstairs, grab your radio, and pray to the snow gods. The following schools are closed in Montgomery County...

It's gonna happen. I can feel it.

Shut up. You're gonna jinx it.

Please, God, if you give us a snow day, I promise I'll be a good boy for the rest of my life.

...Abington High closed, Germantown West closed, William Penn Academy... open.

Balls!

Why?!

I'm back to being a bad boy. This is on you, Mother Nature.

Sadly, we were that one school that never closed for snow.

Abington High closed, Germantown West closed...

Please, please, please.

Say it. Say "closed."

I will fist-punch the radio if you don't say "closed."

...William Penn Academy open.

Balls! Balls!

I hate everything!

I'm a man of my word!

Ow!

Every time, it was the same heartbreak... until the snow gods finally showed mercy.

William Penn Academy... closed.

Am I still asleep, or did he just say William Penn is closed?

He said "closed." School is closed.

This is the best day of my life!

(Laughter, cheering)

I feel so alive!

(Laughter)

Yeah!

Snow day means a full day of snuggle time with mama!

Yeah!

Get in here! Get it!

I'm so happy, I don't have the will to fight her off!

(Laughter)

(Chanting) Snow day! Snow day! Snow day!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪
♪ But nonetheless, I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪
♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was snow day, 1980-something, and my sister was seizing the day... by sleeping through it. Aah!

Oh, good. You're finally up.

God! What the hell?!

Someone was snoring the day away, lazybones.

Mom, today is a day that's been gifted to me by the universe.

Please don't ruin it by being you.

You only have one more college essay left to write, and then you're done.

That has nothing to do with snow day.

Of course it does.

You're physically trapped in the house with me, and all the roads and stores are closed.

Yay! Let's get you into Penn State.

No! Put away the word processor.

I am not writing my college essay.

Squishy, I can help you. I read the topic...

"Describe a personal hero who's changed the course of your life."

Mom, stop.

Let's brainstorm.

What makes a hero? Hmm?

Someone who's great at... crafting, matchmaking, parming chicken or shrimp or eggplant or meatballs.

Listen, I did write about someone in the family, but it's a "he."

Yay! It's me! I am he, and he is me.

Bevy, she clearly picked someone else, perhaps a decorated war vet who had a date with two different Shirleys last night.

That's right.

Pops?! (Scoffs)

You picked the random old guy who just hangs around our house all day, eating our smoked fish?

(Chuckles)

Choo-choo! Next stop, Lametown.

Hey, I liberated an entire country. I helped saved lives.

(Imitates snoring)

Oh! Oh, sorry, I drifted off to sleep there.

Okay, this turned ugly fast. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a full day of doing nothing ahead of me.

I honestly don't see a world where it's anyone but me.

But thank you for your service.

My mom would stop at nothing to be Erica's hero.

Meanwhile, me and Big Tasty started our snow day with an epic cartoon marathon.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Did you two get into my four-quadrant popcorn tin?

Relax. We were just sniffing it.

Stand up and show me your fingers.

If I see any cheese dust, you're both grounded.

Dust-free. You happy?

Dude, you're unbelievable. Popcorn is the snack of the people.

No. It's a snack for dads only.

I get one tin a year from my armoire dealer in Cincinnati.

It's the only thing that gets me through the season.

There are so many sad things in that sentence, but I honestly think the winner is "Cincinnati."

Well, just keep your hands off the tin.

That's it. End of story.

And the same goes for the thermostat.

Yeah, I see you two looking.

That's 'cause it's colder in this house than it is outside.

Yeah, man.

Can't you spare like two more degrees?

If you two are so cold, go out and shovel the walkway.

That ought to work up a sweat but good.

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

Murray Goldberg had a lot of dumb dad rules, but nothing equaled his hard line on snow.

And no monkeying around out there when you're done.

This weather is treacherous.

Oh, here we go.

Another lecture on the dangers of cold weather.

I'm serious. It's not safe out there.

You got frostbite, avalanches, and deadly icicles.

Icicles aren't deadly. They're refreshing and delicious.

They're knives that can fall from the sky at any moment.

Sky knives!

They kill a billion people a year.

That seems high.

Dad, come on. It's snow day. Can't we at least go outside and build one tiny awesome snow fortress?

Absolutely not!

You shovel that walkway before it turns into ice.

And no forts, I mean it!

Naturally, we did the opposite 'cause forts are awesome!

Good job, dude. I can't feel my fingers, but this definitely was two hours well spent.

Do you think maybe we should shovel the walkway a little so Dad doesn't totally freak?

Yeah, we should... after a quick expansion.

Quick's good. Whatcha thinking?

I'm picturing a master bedroom with an attached bath, butler's quarters, a dojo, one of those maze gardens, all of the rooms from "Clue," an indoor basketball court.

A basketball court inside a snow fort?

That's just the first floor.

The second level's where the party's at.

Hot tub, sauna, fire pit.

You don't think that'll create an awful lot of heat?

Yeah...

once the word gets out.

Son of a bitch.

A fort?!

I told you dumbasses to shovel the walk!

Crap. It's Dad.

He's coming for us. We're so dead!

You get your asses out of there before that thing collapses and traps you in an icy tomb.

Stay strong. We're untouchable in here.

Untouchable? I'll show you untouchable!

He's shimmying!

Oh, no! He's entering the snow fort!

I never thought this would happen!

Ah! I'm stuck!

I can't move my arms! My arms are stuck!

How are your arms stuck?

It's snow. It's soft.

I'm wedged in! My circulation's failing me!

I can feel it! I'm gonna die in here!

(Both laugh)

He thinks he's dying.

Stop laughing! Stop laughing at me right now!

Why are we hiding from this man? Look at him.

These are my last breaths! I can see my last breaths!

He's so scared and vulnerable, and it's hilarious.

This is how it's gonna end for me... in an icy igloo with you two morons.

He's freaking out.

Shut up and help me!

You got it, pal.

(Grunting)

You're not trying to help me.

You're just playing with my face to mess with me.

Dude, you push like this.

Stop!

(Bleep)

(Bleep)

(Bleep)

As we continued to mess with my dad, my mom was cleaning Erica's room.

Okay, she was ransacking it like an FBI agent.

It was a desperate attempt to uncover the person Erica chose as her hero.

And then she found it... hidden in plain view behind the circuit board of a Lite-Brite, the piece of paper that would change my mom's life forever.

Dad, I stumbled upon something incredible hidden in Erica's room, and I need to tell someone, but I can't because she'll never forgive me.

Okay, you twisted my arm, so here it is.

I'm Erica's hero. Me, baby, me!

Well, I'm glad this worked out for you.

You know what this means, right?

I have succeeded as a mother.

Now, I know there were times when I quietly wondered if I had failed as a mother, but now I know the truth.

Success!

Did it ever occur to you that Erica hid that essay so you wouldn't overreact like you are right now?

Did it occur to you that none of this matters because I'm her hero?

Bevy, you snooped. You broke her trust.

If I were you, I wouldn't speak a word of this.

Obviously. Erica will never, ever know.

And she wouldn't... for 10 minutes.

♪ Suddenly, I'm up on top of the world ♪

What the... "A Daughter and Her Hero!"?

♪ It should've been somebody else ♪

Oh, damn it. You know?

Know what?

That I'm your greatest American hero?

No, that's not true.

♪ Believe it or not, I'm walking on air ♪
♪ I never thought I could feel so free... ♪

For the record, it is none of your business who my hero is.

♪ Who could it be? ♪
♪ Believe it or not, it's just me ♪

(Music stops)

I take it back, okay?

I take back every single word I wrote.

You think you can just take it back like a bathing suit you've worn three times with the tags tucked in?

(Laughs)

No way. I'm your hero.

No! Our history together will show I think you're the absolute worst.

But now I'll forever know how you really feel about me, which is, "Everything my mother does comes from her heart."

Stop using my words against me.

You are not my hero.

I read a document that says otherwise.

God, you ruin everything!

And yet I'm your "beacon on the hill."

I resent you so much right now.

But yet you love me "more than anyone."

This is "my worst nightmare."

And it's my dream. (Chuckles)

Like the song says, I'm walking on air.

And I'm walking out.

As Erica's secret was out, Barry and I were launching a secret plan that would change everything.

Young Adam, we have been given a gift.

We have seen with our very eyes the underbelly of our enemy.

Dad?

Yes!

The one who oppresses us by ruling over the popcorn, temperature, and remote control.

He always makes me watch "Hee Haw"!

"Hee Haw", Barry!

We discovered something new in that ice fort... that Dad's vulnerable.

And when we mess with him, it's super fun.

I agree. It was joyous.

But we're back in the house now. It's over.

Or do we continue the good times and Laughter forever?

You mean mess with Dad outside the whimsical world of the snow fort?

Of course!

Now we know he's all bark and no bite.

I bet he doesn't even think we're morons.

But that's his hurtful catchphrase.

From this moment on, I say we do the things that annoy him and entertain us.

Like sitting in his chair or leaving that last drop in the orange juice container?

Damn right! It's a snow-day revolution!

And our first battle was this.

You two are grounded! No telephone! No Atari!

No robits! Now get upstairs!

Want to go sledding?

Sure.

Sledding?!

Didn't you hear what I just said?

Oh, we heard it. It's just... [chuckles] we're gonna pass on the grounding.

(Both laugh)


What the hell just happened?

What happened was a revolution.

My brother and I were in full rebellion mode, and we were ready to take it up a notch.

Bevy! Where's my tin of holiday popcorn?!

Looking for something?

Mmm! Flavored corn deliciousness.

What have you done?

Looks like you're not the only one who can enjoy four types of gourmet popcorn whenever he wants.

You better not have touched white cheddar.

Oh, I touched the white cheddar but good.

That quadrant was for dads only!

Seriously, what's wrong with you?!

Yo, Ad-rock!

And then we went where no Goldberg had gone before.

You chilly? I sure am.

Might as well just crank up this bad boy.

Hey, you know no one touches that thermostat.

It stays locked in at a comfortable 63 degrees, no higher!

87... temperature of the rich.

87 degrees?

What do you think this is, the sun?

We reign over the thermostat now.

Okay, you saw me at a low point, and now you're giving me a taste of my own medicine.

(Muffled) So good. Sweet and savory.

Damn it, stop eating all the caramel!

No can do.

You see, until now, your main weapon was dad rage, but that all changed when your middle-aged body corked up our snow tunnel.

Nothing has changed. Nothing.

(Chuckling) Oh, it has.

We went into that snow fort as scared boys, but we emerged as fearless men who now find your anger silly.

Fine. You don't want to respect me?

I'm out.

I retire from being involved in your lives in any way.

Trust me, there will be a time when you come to me in desperate need of your dad, and I won't help you.

Our snow-day rebellion had worked.

The balance of power had shifted in our house, and we were kings!

Dear God. You were right.

We can mess with Dad out of the snow fort, too.

I feel so alive and sweaty from the heat!

This must be what the other Adam Goldberg in school feels like all the time.

He's a loose cannon and lives on his own terms!

Dude! Now we can finally live our snow day the way the gods of winter intended it!

Car toboggan...

It combines the fun of water-skiing with the treacherous danger of luge.

I like what I'm hearing.

Sit down and hold on 'cause I'm gonna drive fast and take chances.

(Engine starts)

Snow day!

(Background music playing)

Life without a dad rules!

As we set out on our fatherless snow day, my sister was doing everything she could to avoid our mom.

Mom isn't down here, is she?

I haven't felt her looming presence in over an hour, so you're safe.

Thank God.

That woman finding out that she's my hero is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

Speaking of heroes, have I told you about all my rich life adventures?

Yes. Many times.

I bet you didn't know that after the army, I joined the USO and entertained the troops with a death-defying circus act.

I need help, Pops, not your old-man yarns.

They're not yarns. I trained a lion.

His name was Stan.

There you are, boopie. I need your fashion expertise.

Which iron-on should I put on my purple jumpsuit, me as the wind beneath your wings or we're two peas in a pod?

Hmm. I pick none.

Well, you go to pick one so we can wear them on our ski trip this weekend.

Let's be clear, I am going skiing with Lainey and also 10 boys who I know a little bit.

And your hero.

I'm sure you want me to tag along.

In what world does that make sense?

If Barry went on a ski trip, he'd want to bring his hero, Chuck Norris, and Adam would definitely want to ski with Crispin Glover.

So it makes perfect sense that you would want to bring your hero, me.

Okay, weird Crispin Glover doesn't ski, and Chuck Norris likes a desert climate, so you're not going.

I get it.

It's embarrassing having your mom as your hero.

But don't worry, I can be cool.

Hang with the hunkos in the bubbly tub with my ski gogs on.

(Clicks tongue)

Oh, my God. I don't... (gags) even know how to respond to that.

I know! It's gonna be great!

Just like when we carpool to school together so we can have a little gossip time.

(Gags) I just can't...

And I'm gonna take you to my Friday-night scrapbooking club so you can see how your real hero cuts loose.

(Gags)

Decoupage.

So, let me get this straight.

You being my hero basically undoes everything good in my life?

Yay! We're gonna be slope sisters.

I got to go bedazzle my ski boots.

Ugh!

Thinking you should have picked a different hero, one who's literally put his head in a lion's mouth?

Wait a minute. You're right. I chose to write about Mom, so I can just write about someone else.

Now we're talking.

I'll write about myself, how I survived my crazy "smother" and became my own hero.

At this point, very little surprises me.

Thank you, Pops! You are my hero!

I mean, for giving me the idea to write about myself.

You bet.

(Background music playing)

(Chuckling) Oh, man! That was awesome!

I know you don't have your license, but it's your turn to drive. Adam?

Huh.

Turns out we would need our dad... just way sooner than expected.

Fancy meeting you here.

Good to see you're keeping warm on this wintry day, Father.

Bup-bup. Not the dad.

(Laughs) Hilarious as always.

Speaking of funny stuff, do you recall when you told me there would be a time I'd come to you in desperate need?

Well, that moment is now upon us.

Are you kidding? It's been, what, 20 minutes?

Time sure does fly, doesn't it?

Well, whatever you did, it's on you.

Yeah, you're teaching me a lesson about respect.

Noble goal.

In return, I'd like to teach you the highs and lows of car tobogganing, the recreational pastime that's sweeping the nation.

What did you do?

I lost Adam.

(Sternly) Get my pants.

(Music playing)

There's my little typer monkey.

What you click-clacking about?

Got more to write about your hero mama?

Oh, just making a few tiny tweaks to my college essay.

Tweaks?

Can't believe it gets much better than that.

Oh, it's better. My first tweak was when I, like, threw the whole thing out and started over.

What's that, now?

Yeah, my new essay is about my inner hero and how I overcame the greatest obstacle of all.

Me?

It says I'm the obstacle?

Yep.

(Gasps) And ruiner of dreams?

For sure.

Strangler of hope?!

Yep.

A vampire draining your human sprite?

Oopsie, that is supposed to say "spirit."

Good eye.

Oh. This is about me going on the ski trip.

Okay, how's about I just sit it out?

Just please don't send this in.

And print.

(Printer clicking) Please stop that horrible printing sound.

I wish I could, but I pressed the button, and it can't be stopped.

It can if I drown it out.

(Blender whirring) The blending stops when the printing stops.

You can blend all you want, lady, but I'm gonna print all day long.

Beverly, Adam is lost in the snow!

It's an emergency!

I can't hear you. I'm proving a point.

My sister had finally finished her new college essay about heroically triumphing over her "smother," but my mom had one last trick up her snowsuit.

Where are you going?

Out.

Where? All of Philly's shut down.

I'm gonna snowshoe over to the Dress Barn and see about their annual blizzard sale.

Blizzard sale? That's not a thing.

Eat my dust, sucka.

Penn State's gonna know I'm your hero.

Wait! Get back here!

But their race to the mailbox didn't go as planned becae we forgot to shovel the driveway.

No! Do not take that to the mailbox.

Don't you dare.

It's too late. You'll never catch me.

Get back here!

And so began the slowest high-speed chase in Goldberg history.

I wrote a better, more hurtful one.

Those stupid sons of bitches at Penn State will never read it.

Not if I beat you to the mailbox, old lady.

Ha! I'm pulling ahead!

No, never!

Oh! Oh! Aah!

(Both grunting)

You... are not... my... hero!

No! Erica, that's all I had left, and you ruined it.

Mom, it's just a stupid college essay.

Why make this the biggest deal in the world?

That essay was the only proof I had that you still want me as your mom.

Come on. That's not true.

Every day, you roll your eyes at me and you tell me I ruin your life.

And I know you're a teenager, and that's how it goes, but it hurts. And then I read this essay.

And it was just nice to be reminded that you still think nice things about me sometimes.

Look, even though you have real impulse-control problems, and you threw me down on a sheet of ice, you shouldn't need some essay to know that you really are my... (quietly) hero.

What was that?

You're my stupid hero, okay?

(Music playing)

I know I don't say it...

♪ I can't believe it myself ♪

...but I would be lucky to grow up to be as strong and confident and passionate as you are.

Oh, sweetie.

You already are all of those things.

♪ Believe it or not, I'm walking on air ♪

I'm your hero.

♪ I never thought I could feel so free ♪

Dad?

You okay?

You were right. Snow is nature's weapon.

♪ Who could it be? ♪

I kind of hurt my ankle.

Come on. I'll get you home safe.

♪ Believe it or not, it's just me ♪

(Exhales heavily)

(Sniffles)

You're gonna yell at us when we get home, aren't you?

Oh, yeah.

Good.

That's the thing about your heroes.

Even when we say we don't need them, they'd still have our backs.

But every once in a while, heroes need a little love, too... or at least a reminder of why they were so important in the first place.

♪ Believe it or not ♪

I think this belongs to you.

♪ I'm walking on air ♪

So does this.

I melted Butterfinger on some Jiffy Pop.

Consider it our apology...

You know, 'cause you're the dad... and we like it that way.

If you need us, we'll be shoveling the walkway like we should have done in the first place.

And with that, our dad was back to being our dad again.

But that snow day, he realized there's much more to being a father, than enforcing the rules.

Hey!

You snow babies gonna fight back?

♪ Believe it or not ♪

So, yeah, our snow day didn't go as planned... but turns out, it really was the day we'd always hoped for.

Take that, old man!

♪ Believe it or not, I'm walking on air ♪

Oh, good. The walkway's shoveled.

♪ I never thought I could feel so free ♪

Ooh!

Ohh!

Oh! You're gonna be one sorry Schmoo!

And that night, even though it was freezing outside...

...and we were lobbing balls of ice at each other, we played in the snow as a family for hours.

♪ Believe it or not, it's just me ♪

Because in the end, nothing keeps you warm like being around the people you love most.

(Indistinct shouting)

(Music playing)

_

I have off school today, for it had snowed.

The tree's have frozen over, and there's icicles everywhere.

Yeah, we're live here.

(Both screaming)

Ugh! I am so glad I'm finally done with that college essay.

You know, sweetheart, it's not too late to write about a real hero.

Ship's kind of sailed at this point.

That ship might circle back to port when you take a gander at some circus adventures after the war.

Oh, Pops, you don't have to make stuff up.

You'll always be a hero to me.

But I spent four hours digging this up...

Ah, damn it. She's gone.

(Projector whirring)

And there they are, folks, stretching it.

(Cheers and applause)

You handsome devil.

All right! Come on down and see it.