07x03 - Food in a Geoffy

ADULT ADAM: Back in the day, my mom always invaded my personal space.

She was famous for her snuggies, huggies, kissies, and her signature move, the nom-nom-nom-nom-nom- nom-nom-nom-nom.

Good morning!

Here's your nom!

Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom!

Eh, right!

Like the movie Good Morning, Vietnam, except people liked that.

That Mork is so talented.

I wish he'd make a Vietnam Part Two.

Going in for another scoop.

[inhales sharply]

Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom!

Enough!

This has to stop!

I'm cutting you off cold turkey!

What?

At least let me taper off.

[chuckles]

This mama's gotta nom-ma.

- Nom-nom-nom - I mean it!

This is your last nom.

ADULT ADAM: I had stopped my mom cold, but when life closes one door, my mom crashes through another.

Oh, look who sent you a brochure.

Calgary State Bible College.

Sounds cold and religious.

Oh, you're not going to this garbage school.

But remember when you were blabbing about adult-y adventures and viciously cutting me out of your life?

Sounds like for sure you do.

Well, this means that your college phase is here, and you're gonna need your mama to help get you in.

Or I just say yes to these religious Eskimos and we're good to go.

No, silly.

I'm gonna be on you night and day to make sure you get into the best college there is.

Night?

Day?

But those are all the times.

ADULT ADAM: My mom was determined to use college as a way to get close to me.

Way too close.

Quick!

What's the square root of 144?

Naked body!

Scared!

College admissions boards won't be as forgiving as I am, Adam.

Mom, please!

This is humiliating!

Humiliating?

Try telling your friends your kid got deferred at Tufts.

Gah!

Ta-da!

It's your college collage to put above your bed so you can look at it before you go to sleep and dream about college.

Yeah, I'll never do that.

But is that my head glued onto a dude playing Frisbee?

- It is.

- This is the energy I can expect from you until I actually get into college?

I'm super excited, too!

Oh, this is gonna be such a fun journey, study buddy.

- Mwah!

- Mm!

I gotta get my mom off my back.

Well, you could help her find a hobby to distract her.

Maybe a bowling league?

My mom's currently in a legal matter with Jenkintown Lanes, and that's all I'm allowed to say.

She could try my mom's hobby, drinking boxed wine while she completely ignores me.

- Wow.

You're so lucky.

- Totally.

Look, I'm sure this will blow over soon.

Erica and Barry just moved out.

Your mom just needs time to adjust.

Yeah, you're probably right.

[to tune of YMCA]

U-C-L-A You're going to U-C-L-A It's in Hollywood You're a big movie geek And your mama will fly out each week Another brochure came in the mail for you today.

- From UCLA?

- That's right, study buddy!

You're going to U-C-L-A I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day ADULT ADAM: It was October 9th, 1980-something, and while Erica was focused on doing college right this time, Geoff wasn't focused on anything at all.

So, I have an hour until my next class, which I can use to finish my chem lab and my reading for women's lit.

How's your day looking?

Eh, I gotta get this ball in this cup.

Oh.

Well, my schedule just opened up.

Can I make you another tea?

- I think I'm good.

- Cool, cool.

Well, I'll just sit quietly, and I'm here if you need me.

[clears throat]

[grunts loudly]

[groans raspily]

You know, I'm just gonna make you a backup tea.

No.

Geoff, I think it's great that you're taking a year off to find yourself, but I've got work to do.

I knew it!

I'm bothering you!

No!

But for the love of God, yes!

I really thought all this free time would finally help me relax after a very intense 18 years, but I've never been more stressed.

I'm growing so much hair!

Stress makes you lose hair.

Oh, no!

Nothing is right!

Don't worry.

I know exactly how to fix this.

Is this your card?

- No.

- Yes, it is!

You liar!

- JTP?

- JTP: JTP.

Geoff's broken.

Fix him.

- Thanks, hon.

Love you.

Oh, she's gone.

- [door closes]

Broken, huh?

What are we talking about?

Mental?

Emotional?

Physical?

Pop off your shirt so we can see what we're working with.

No, it's not body-related.

I just need to figure out a way to fill my days and quiet my shrieking mind.

Lucky for you, your lazy girlfriend dumped you on the right friend group.

Now pop off your shirt.

Stop trying to undress me.

I got it.

Come work with me at The Gap.

I get 25% off all cargo shorts.

These are the same ones Queen Latifah wears.

Or you could work for my Uncle Ronnie.

Yeah, he puts a box in my trunk, I drive it across the Canadian border, and then wham, bam, all the Hardee's I can eat.

Yeah, bro.

I think you might be a drug mule.

What if I don't want to be Queen Latifah or a criminal?

Done!

You will start your own insanely lucrative business.

- That's better!

- I use businesses all the time.

GEOFF: I think I'm in real trouble.

Last week, I accidentally went to economics class, and now I know everything about starting your own business using the laws of supply and da man.

- I'm pretty sure it's "demand.

" - Wrong, Geoffrey.

It's when you ask da man what he wants and then you supply it.

Dad, what do you want?

To watch Cheers in peace.

- Dad!

- Uh Sandwich from Lee's.

Boring!

[scoffs]

We'll ask another da man.

Hang on.

T-That's a good idea.

W-Why are pizza places the only ones that deliver?

What if there was a business that would deliver any food to your house?

Like live Maine lobsters?

Beef Wellington with a port wine reduction!

Or pizza from fancy pizza places that don't deliver.

All of it.

You call me, I place the order, pick it up, bring it to you, all for a small fee.

I can get an outside-the-house sandwich while staying inside the house?

Sandwich me.

I have my first customer.

W-Wait.

I think I just started a business.

You need drivers?

I'm looking for a little extra cash.

Me too.

I-I hate these shorts.

And I might be a drug mule, so I am in.

I have employees!

And a president/CEO/visionary.

Salary TBD, but likely TB a lot.

First thought, we need a name.

How 'bout "Food in a Geoffy"?

Not poppin'.

How about "Barry Up and Get Your Food in a Geoffy: A Big Tasty Biz"?

It's definitely longer.

Agreed.

I'll order T-shirts.

ADULT ADAM: While Geoff was finding his calling, I was finding myself totally lost in history class.

Here are your assignments for your papers.

Dave Kim Harriet Tubman.

Sweet!

H-Tub.

Nothing's gonna be underground about her when I'm done with my paper.

I weep for our future.

New girl Susan B.

Anthony.

Well, I be excited.

Nice.

Adam Goldberg Sandra Day O'Connor.

Oh, no, thank you.

"No, thank you"?

This should be enraging.

Say your dumb words.

As you know, Mr.

Coleman agreed that I'm a visual learner and always let me make a video.

As you know, Mr.

Coleman was fired for tying a quarter to a string and stealing Rolos from the vending machines.

Paper it is.

I believe you said it would be on George Lucas?

1,000 words on Sandra Day O'Connor.

How about Sarah Connor, the character from Terminator?

Which is directed by James Cameron, which is who my paper will be on.

SandraDayO'Connor!

You know what?

Everybody just sit quietly while I snap chalk!

You're boned, bro.

You haven't written a paper in three years.

Maybe I still don't have to.

- There's my special lady.

- Wait, what?

I was thinking about us being study buddies.

Let's do that.

Are you toying with my heart right now?

- Because it will literally explode!

- No toying.

Just a boy looking to do some scholastic bonding with his mama.

Where should we start?

Oh, I know!

I have to write a paper on one Sandra Day O'Connor.

And you immediately thought of me?

Well, you were almost a cookbook author, and you almost coulda been a lawyer.

I was almost both of those things.

So, let's get on it, girl!

We'll make a whole Sandra Day of it.

Yay!

My sweet little baby has re-latched to my bosom.

You have a way with words.

So let's start writing that paper without those ones specifically.

I'll bring the typewriter, you bring the dimples, study buddy.

- [chuckles]

- Study buddies!

I know what you're doing, kiddo.

I'm not doing anything.

You're conning your mother into writing a paper for you.

Oh.

Yeah, I'm doing that.

But it's fine.

She wants to spend time with her son, and I want not to write a paper.

It's win-win.

The honorable Sandra Day O'Connor would be appalled that you would even consider this.

You seem to know a lot about her.

Why don't you stick around and help your daughter write her paper?

Eh, you're all ferkokte.

I deserve a pickle.

Hey, Schmooey, you're just my type.

[both chuckle]

Typewriter humor.

Just save that gold for the page.

So, where do we start?

Here's everything I know so far She's a lady.

Well, I know a ton.

[chuckles]

For her confirmation hearing, she wore the most hideous purple coat.

You're an expert.

Let me get out of your way.

[sighs]

I wish this essay was a million words.

Should we do that?

Just write a million words?

Definitely.

But no.

ADULT ADAM: With that, my mom got cracking.

Sure, it wasn't a million words, but it was an endless amount of detail on Sandra Day O'Connor.

All I had to do was sit back and enjoy the ride.

Yes!

Writing is easy!

While I was outsourcing my paper, Geoff's new business was already a source of great stress.

- Food in a Geoffy.

Please hold.

- [telephone rings]

- Food in a Geoffy.

Please hold.

- [telephone rings]

Food in a Geoffy.

How may I help you?

What do you mean you only got three loose fries with your order?

That's on me.

I'm a snacker when I drive.

Me too.

But who's gonna actually check the exact length of a footlong?

Guys, stop eating the food!

Does that apply to beverages?

'Cause there used to be two shakes, and now there are none.

Damn it, JTP.

Just go!

Deliver!

- JTP!

- JTP.

Big news, Geoffrey.

I'm using company funds to buy an expensive putter for my putting green.

This one keeps missing the hole.

Barry, do you really need all that stuff?

You need to spend money to make money.

Sometimes I question your commitment to my business.

- It's my business!

- What business?

Great news, Erica.

I found a better way to relax than hanging around your dorm room.

I started a relentless, high-octane food-delivery company.

[telephone rings]

Food in a Geoffy!

Please hold!

Wait, what is it?

Well, it's extremely simple, really.

ADULT ADAM: Except it wasn't.

- Say you want a burger.

- [pager beeps]

GEOFF: You just page my beeper, I get the page and then call you back wherever I am.

You place your order with me, and then I call the restaurant and place that order with them.

Then, I or one of my many unreliable drivers get your order, and we drive it to you for a small delivery fee.

- [pager beeping]

- Then it starts all over again.

And again and again.

I haven't slept in two days.

- $2 for all that work?

- Pretty cool, huh?

- Geoff, are you sure this is worth - [telephone rings]

Damn it.

Food in a Geoffy.

- MURRAY: Hello?

- Mr.

Goldberg?

Yeah, I'll have a Shasta, light ice, from the kitchen, a chili dog from the Wawa, and take Lucky for a tinkle.

- We don't provide dog care.

- The customer is always right.

On it.

[sighs]

I'm so happy your gentle annoyance with me pushed me into this.

ADULT ADAM: While Food in a Geoffy took over Geoffy's life, my mom-written paper would surely save mine.

Meh!

A C?

What the hell, man?

Yeah, just like your haircut, super mediocre.

But this makes no sense.

Believe me, that C on your paper is the only thing that was accurate.

You referred to Justice O'Connor as Sandy, Sally, Shawna, Shonda, and one time, Tiffany!

Wow.

Yeah.

Seems like the most cursory once-over would've caught that.

Aloha, my little academia nut.

Hi, Mom.

Quick question Are you a damn fool?

- A C?

- Yeah, for "crap.

" If I wanted a C, I would have written it myself.

This is not okay!

Neither is your spelling or grammar or rambling sentences.

And who the hell is Tiffany Night O'Brien?

Oh, they knew who I meant.

I don't know who you meant, and I was sitting right there.

Well, I'm gonna fix this.

Your college future is at stake.

First thing tomorrow, I'm marching down to have a talk with Mr.

Woodburn.

Oh, please don't do that.

It's done.

Study buddies take care of each other.

Study buddies!

[whimpering]

Study buddies.

I guess we're both pretty deep into a pickle.

ADULT ADAM: Erica was worried that Food in a Geoffy was leading Geoff to a nervous breakdown, so she was going to help him relax with a movie.

See?

Isn't this nice?

Just you and me and the stress-free corpse comedy of Weekend at Bernie's.

Babe, I appreciate it, but I'm fine.

Honest.

Oh, no!

Who is this for?

I never got the order, and now it's gonna be late!

Geoff, the popcorn is for you.

Oh, right.

I forgot sometimes I eat food, too.

Geoff!

Geoff!

Geoff?

Sorry.

You have the same fat head as Geoff.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm looking for a man named Geoff!

Barry, be quiet!

- There you are!

- Why are you here?

And why are you wearing a suit?

In no particular order I'm a high-powered CEO, and the worst has happened.

Customer Murray Goldberg got the wrong order.

He's freaking out and wants you to fix it.

- Oh, no.

- Oh, yes!

I even considered handling it myself, but I came here 'cause it was easier.

Well, tough luck.

We're on a date, so let the other JTP dopes do it.

I'm sorry, Erica.

I have to fix this.

[chuckles]

People think he's alive, but he's dead.

[chuckles]

ADULT ADAM: As Geoff abandoned Erica to put out a fire, my mom was at school starting one.

Thank you for meeting with us.

I'll make this quick.

- Are you a stupid [bleep]

idiot?

- Mom!

Whoa!

Coming in hot.

I think what my mom is trying to say is maybe my paper deserves a slightly higher grade.

No "maybe" about it!

Mrs.

Goldberg, this paper is filled with typos and run-on sentences.

So?

It's also light and fun, like a summer beach read.

Oh, I laughed a lot.

Mostly at how your son and his childlike mind are going to exist in society.

Well, I, for one, appreciate that concern.

Thank you for your time.

Not to mention, Mrs.

Goldberg, it is riddled with historical inaccuracies.

Well, I'm sorry I didn't have time to go to the library and wrestle a vagrant for the microfiche.

Why would you go to the library?

Because I am helping Adam A little.

Full disclosure, we're study buddies.

It's mostly just snacks and moral support.

It's clear what's happening here, so I am gonna change this grade.

Finally.

An A-minus and we're out of here.

It's an F for cheating.

Well, I give you an F for "failure as an educator," and I am taking this to Principal Ball.

Don't worry, Adam.

Mama's got this.

ADULT ADAM: But she didn't.

Adam's suspended for two weeks.

Balls!

This is a terrifyingly bad paper, especially from an adult.

Unacceptable, Earl.

Don't take it out on Adam just 'cause you need to stand by your motley crew of burnouts and sad sacks!

Oh, no.

You called me what I am.

Principal Ball, please!

Two weeks at home?

Just the two of us?

The time does not fit the crime!

I suppose there is another option.

The understanding that I've clearly learned my lesson?

The shunning bench.

[bell tolls]

The bench where kids wait to see the school nurse for their lice check?

[bell tolls]

Yes, but we spray it.

And it's also part of a hallowed Quaker tradition.

The guilty student sits there while his classmates scorn him as they casually stroll by.

[chuckles]

It's a hoot.

Sold!

Gimme the old-timey benchy thing.

Never!

We accept the full suspension.

Why?

There's a perfectly viable shaming option available.

[bell tolls]


I'd rather have Adam sitting at home, learning from me than from your lazy, fresh-mouthed teachers.

Come on, study buddy.

Okey-dokey.

That works, too.

ADULT ADAM: While my mom was shunning the bench, Geoff was facing an angry customer.

I ordered a cheesesteak.

What's this green thing with the red things in it?

- You mean a salad?

- How am I supposed to know?

I'm so sorry.

I-I'll fix it.

Don't put up with his nonsense.

He's a platinum member.

Not for long, unless I get a new cheesesteak.

But Lee's is closed.

Well, you better find out who took mine, Barnaby Jones.

I mean, I guess there's only a few houses it could have gone to.

- You're driving.

- Wait, you're going, too?

I want to see for myself what kind of person takes another man's sandwich.

ADULT ADAM: And so the great cheesesteak search began.

- [doorbell rings]

Hello, sir.

- Hello, ma'am.

Hello, sir.

I run a food-delivery service.

Put me down for a beer, please.

We're actually looking for a missing order.

But you do deliver beer, right?

I just wanted to confirm that your order was up to our standards.

Sure.

But my standards are very low.

One time, I ordered a pizza.

Honest to God, it had three screws on it.

I ate it anyway.

- With the screws?

- No, dumbass!

We're looking for a lost cheesesteak.

Hey, here's a fun fact The, uh, Philly-style steak sandwich was invented in the 1930s, but cheese was not added until the '40s.

- Just tell me where my sandwich is.

- Let me take a look.

Mm.

Definitely not in the bottom of this can.

You know, the French have their own version of hide-and-seek.

It's called "Sardines.

" A little fun twist, though, there's only one hider.

[chuckling]

Everybody else seeks.

He's a bit off.

I'm out of here.

- Is he with you?

- I don't see it.

That's it.

I'm getting a bat.

What?

No!

Hi, ma'am.

You didn't get a cheesesteak by accident, did you?

In fact, I did.

Could I possibly get that back?

Mm, that's gonna be kinda tough.

- I already ate the hell out of it.

- She reeks of cheesy, beefy goodness!

What are you doing?

- You monster!

- [muffled]

Whatever!

ADULT ADAM: As Geoff's business took him all over town, I was at home, and class was in session.

Ring-a-ding-ding.

It's time for the Beverly Goldberg School of Learnin'.

From the same people who brought me a C?

Woodburn had it out for us, but I think we both know if I hadn't been someone who could've been a lawyer, I could've been someone who might've been a teacher.

- Wow.

- Wow, indeed.

Check out our curriculum.

ADAM: A book of limericks, The Baseball Encyclopedia, The Guinness Book of World Records Superfudge?

These are all our books.

We're gonna learn everything.

Here's our syllabus for today.

Math, English, home ec That's us making a pie Lunch That's us eating a pie.

There's an hour-long snuggle break?

I know it doesn't seem like enough time, but it could also be one of your electives.

This was a big mistake.

I shouldn't have pretended to want your help.

Pretended?

I-I thought we were stud buds.

We were never stud buds!

And, oh, my God, don't call it that!

So we're not stud buds?

Stop that!

And no!

Gosh, I just wanted you to write my paper for me, but you couldn't even do that.

And now I gotta spend even more time with you, which is the thing I didn't want in the first place.

Well, forgive me for wanting to be part of your life.

Message received.

ADULT ADAM: After facing my mom's constant attention, even the shunning bench was better than being at home.

Okay, people, don't be shy.

It's a hallowed Quaker tradition to rip Mr.

Goldberg a new one.

You're a fart!

[chuckles]

Nailed it.

Thank you, noble ancestors.

You're too dumb to get a smart person to write your paper, and I predict early baldness for you.

Gah!

Thank you, Mr.

Woodburn.

You honor our heritage.

Would anyone else like to throw a verbal haymaker?

I'd like a turn.

You can't be here.

She can't be here.

I read nothing in the original parchment about this.

- Have at it.

- Adam F.

Goldberg, you are a jerk for pretending to want to spend time with me just so I'd write a paper for you.

Weak!

Get him where it hurts!

His hair, his body, his stupid glasses!

If he's not crying, you're doing it wrong.

I was just looking for anywhere else to direct your crazy energy!

Oh, no!

Your hot mom loves you too much.

You're a turd farmer, Goldberg.

I shun thee!

I mean, everywhere I go, there you are.

She came into my shower with math facts.

- [students groan, murmur]

- BOY: Nice.

Yikes!

Okay, that was me pretending to have heard the bell.

People, get back to your classes.

This questionable punishment will resume after lunch.

Okay, I went too far, maybe.

[scoffs]

Maybe?

Fine.

I helped you cheat, and that was wrong, but do you know how hard this is for me?

Barry and Erica are gone, and all you do is push me away.

Because you're all over me.

You smother me with your noms.

I know, but you're my last baby.

I don't know what I'm gonna do when you leave, too.

Then why push me towards college?

It was all I had.

You're so busy being a young adult, I didn't know how else to connect.

- I'm sorry.

- Me too.

It was wrong of me to take advantage of your feelings.

But you do know we still have time before college?

So, does that mean we can still be study buddies if I promise not to overdo it?

We both know that's a promise you can't keep.

But I will need to take some study breaks from time to time.

And when you do, I'll be there.

[The English Beat's Save it for Later plays]

Is hugging allowed on the shunning bench?

Sooner or later Your legs give way, you hit the ground Save it for later [telephone rings]

Food in a Geoffy.

What the hell?

I'm shutting this whole operation down.

- Barry, you're fired.

- Fine!

I'm taking my Zen garden as severance.

Erica, what are you doing?

What I should have done days ago.

Geoff, you've always taken care of me, especially last year, when I was finding myself.

But now it's time for me to take care of you.

Unless you like this terrible business.

I hate it so much!

I've gotten three speeding tickets, Barry's spent all my money, all the neighborhood dads are weirdos, and my car permanently smells like moo shu pork.

Then why'd you keep doing it?

Because I thought it was better than doing nothing.

I need purpose in my life.

And we'll find it Together.

But I was driving you crazy.

You know what's driving me even crazier?

Seeing you like this.

You need to take your time and figure out what makes you happy.

Right now, that's you.

Sooner or later, your legs give way ADULT ADAM: Sometimes it takes messing up to realize just what your life is missing, especially when the fear of missing someone is what drives you in the first place.

In the end, when the people you love have your back, you can do anything.

Or just nothing at all.

You run away, run away Ha!

This is my favorite.

All right, come here.

We're being video-camera'd right now.

Yeah.

[bell dings]

I wanted to invite you here to apologize for Murray's cheesesteak witch hunt.

Your cooking must be slipping if Murray's been ordering out so much.

Yeah, I'll say.

Your husband's at the drive-thru so often, they gave him his own lane.

I like you.

We should power-walk.

DIGBY: Fun fact about walking The animal with the fastest recorded walk, African bush elephant.

I thought it was the last woman you tried to talk to.

Oh, no.

She ran.

You guys have some fun banter going on.

Yeah.

It's been a while since we were all together.

Afternoon, everybody.

ALL: Ned!

Beer me, please.

Oh, I'm sorry.

We just ran out.

I'll be at the bar down the street.

- Me too.

- Ooh, yeah.

I'm coming.

They seem fun.