01x02 - Last Baby Proofing Standing

Well, beautiful wife, beautiful night, great cup of coffee at the end of the workday.

Nice.

Couldn't be better.

(Clink)

(Mandy) Dad!

You never wanna get too happy.

They sense it, then they just crush it.

What?

I'm meeting Travis at the mall.

Can I have some money for java Jimmy's?

Coffee? We got coffee right here.

French press. Here.

Taste Columbia's second-largest cash crop.

(Spits) Oh! God, that's horrible.

Hey! No. No.

That was my coffee.

So can I have $20, or...

$20 for a cup of coffee?

I'm a huge tipper. It's kind of my thing.

I-I just feel so sorry for anybody that has to wear an apron.

You ask me why I put rum in here? This is why.

If you want money, maybe you should do what other people do.

Get my own reality show. Dad, I'm trying.

How about a part-time job?

(Laughs) Job.

Come on.

Oh, my God. Are we poor?

You are.

We're doing very well.

You sure about this?

She's 16-- I'm 17, dad.

17. She should-- she should think about getting her a job.

Well, it's just easier to give her money.

Well, we just can't be lazy with our kids.

We're better than that.

Are we?

(Eve) Mom! Dad!

Go, go. Go, go, go.

You get it. You get it.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Aw, that's my boy.

(Giggles)

Hey, hey. Morning.

Hey, morning, guys. . (Eve) Morning, dad.

Why do I smell French fries?

Oh, that's the diner. I always smell like work.

Well, thank God you don't work for a plumber. (Chuckles)

(Thud) Ow.

Mother...

Father!

Oh, that is so dangerous.

Oh, I really whacked my shin.

No, Boyd--he could have gotten into those cleaning supplies.

(Groans) My tibia is throbbing.

I'm seeing stars here.

You know, we should baby-proof the house.

You know, there's that guy on TV that does it.

Oh, I know who you mean. He's all over the lnternet, too.

There's some clicking come from inside my knee.

Can you hear that? Listen.

Found him.

(Key clicks)

Hi, folks.

Bet you didn't know that if you have children, your house is a deadly time bomb, waiting to explode... stairs--peril!

Why, even the TV you're watching right now...

In fact, in the time since this ad began, six more tots have tried to eat something larger than their own esophagus. (Choking)

(Grunting) Come on!

Come on!

Poor boo-boo Bobby.

Don't let this be you.

Instead, call me, Chester McAllister, advanced child-proofing expert.

We worry so you don't have to.

Trademark pending.

(Key clicks)

Certified baby-proofer? How is that a job?

You don't think any job's a job unless it's your job.

I'm just saying, you don't need a professional to baby-proof.

Don't want him in that little cupboard down there, you use one of these.

It's called a rubber band.

You move-- (Faint thwack)

You hear that clicking?

Huh?

Loop it a couple times around there like that...

(Closes doors) Baby-proof.

That's what your mom and I did when you guys were kids.

Yeah, we only had to call poison control twice.

Yeah. Once was your mom's potato salad.

Oh, I'm so sick of hearing about that potato salad.

I lost a quart of water that day.

You never liked my mother.

That's 'cause she tried to kill us.

No, I-- potato salad, mayonnaise-- the point is...

You kids turned out fine.

(Mandy moaning) Well, fine-ish.

Look at you, first day of work.

I still don't get why I have to have a job.

It's so unfair!

Oh, you're gonna be selling clothes.

You love clothes, and you get to work at the mall.

You love the mall.

I think it's good you're getting a job.

You treat dad like an A.T.M.

Yes, and I'm not an A.T.M. You know how I know?

I only speak English.

That's a good one, dad. (Chuckles)

Ah, here's $20.

Whoa. Hey, why doesn't she have to work?

'Cause I don't need money. I've got everything I want.

In fact, here, dad.

I insist.

Wouldn't even know what to do with it.

Ugh!

(Door closes) I'll take that $20 now.

You earned it.

Mike, come here. This new tracking device is great.

It pinpoints your hunting dog's position and speed... yeah.

Every five seconds.

Look, the little bugger's moving pretty fast through the brush out back. Look at that. Look at that.

Whose dog is that? And why is it coming in the building?

Oh, yeah, you'll soon see he should be coming through that door in three, two, and...

(Panting)

Oh.

Huh? What do you think? Ah, look at that. (Chuckles)

That's a good trial run, Kyle. Good trial run.

I'm starting to think you're only keeping me around for these humiliating jobs.

Ed, Ed, Ed, this is the kind of stuff you get sued for, Ed.

Come on, Mike.

Hazing the new guy is a male rite of passage.

Now when I was a grunt in the service, they tied me to a tree with a garden hose.

Big deal.

The tree was on fire.

They put it out with urine.

(Mandy) Daddy?

Daddy.

Hey. Aren't you supposed to be at work?

Yeah, it's my lunch break. Hey, can you front me $500?

(Laughs) No. Get in there.

There was a workplace accident.

What happened?

I accidentally used my employee discount to buy a lot of cute clothes.

This isn't the right job for you.

That's so weird. That's exactly what my manager said.

(Knock on window) Mike, you gotta see this.

I've got Kyle chasing a delivery truck!

Hi. Hey, honey.

Why is there a van out front that says "Safe Havens"?

Are we having an intervention?

You got me. I turned your office into a meth lab.

It's the baby-proofing guy. He's here for a consultation.

I know who it is. It's that huckster from TV.

(Whispers) Shh! He's...

I can't believe you'd invite him over here without asking me.

I made the appointment. And I brought home pie.

You can't distract me with a very warm, delicious-looking pie.

Let's just hear what this guy has to say.

You all heard what he had to say.

What if I promise we won't do anything unless we're both on board?

Oh, this is like we're not gonna buy a floral comforter unless we're both on board.

It's not floral. It's paisley.

Flowers that are shaped like sperm are still flowers.

Are you gonna participate or not?

Or not. I'll be in my office looking at Russian mail order brides to replace you.

Don't put me down as a reference.

Do you know there's no greater killing machine than the coffee table?

I like to call it the coffin table.

(Mouths words)

Okay, who here has electrical outlets?

Show of hands.

Wow. That's a lot.

Now imagine this.

You're 2 years old, and you wanna make a deposit in the bank, so you take your penny, and you put it in the electrical socket.

Oh, for crap's sake.

Mike, you said you didn't wanna participate.

Well, you know what I'm doing? I'm on the lnternet.

I'm just looking for stories... about children...

You know, that put coins in electric outlets.

You know the weird thing? There aren't any!

Look, I'm really sorry about him.

He's just angry because...

Well, we don't really know why.

Please, no apologies. As my grandfather used to say, ignorance is the devil's whoopee cushion.

You know what? I bet my grandfather gave your grandfather wedgies in high school.

Whoa! Someone's got a hot head.

Quick fact--children raised in volatile households have three times the rate of accidental dismemberments.

Based on your statistics, 150% of kids under the age of 4 are dead already.

Not on my watch.

This bannister is a terrible accident waiting to happen.

A child could get his head stuck.

His head stuck.

That can't happen.

Honey, uh, maybe we should discuss this privately.

What's to discuss?

I know. I think we should just do it.

What happened to "we won't decide anything unless both of us say "yes"? "Yes." "No."

I-I know, but I changed my mind.

Look, this guy has gotten into my head.

Apparently, there's peril... (Whispers) Everywhere!

He can make everything seem perilous.

I mean, what if that painting fell off and decapitated the kid? (Gasps) That stool could come alive and go up and suffocate him.

(Gasps) What if the kid swallowed one of those ugly throw pillows?

Uh, a little help.

What are you doing?

I was trying to help prove your point, Mr. B.

Don't help. Hey, Kyle, once you get your head out of there, I'm gonna tie you to a tree with a garden hose.

I think you both know what happens after that.

(Banging)

Ugh.


That baby-proof er made a mess of everything.

I'm gonna have to burn this house down and start all over again. There's no way...

I loosened it.

Ah, Boyd can't open it either.

Hey, get in the car.

Bye, dad.

Bye-bye. You're just acting stupid to make a point, but it's not gonna work.

Some baby-proofing was necessary.

Deal with it. Bye.

You're gonna try to get a kiss after saying "deal with it"?

Come here.

But only because there's some butter left on your lips.

Yeah.

Well, dad, time for me to file for a little something called unemployment.

All right, you're not unemployed.

I got you a new job doing something I used to love to do-- delivering pizzas.

Ooh, I'm a food handler? But what about my dignity?

(Sighs)

You know what a great philosopher once said about dignity?

No, okay, never mind. I'll just do it. It's fine.

A man's hands may be dirty... Oh, my God. Please open.

But if his heart is pure...

Oh, my God.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for outdoor man.

It's our blade of the month.

The Sog S.E.A.L. Elite series. Neoprene handle.

This is modeled after the one the Navy S.E.A.L.S. use.

Those are tough S.O.B.S, aren't they?

The Navy S.E.A.L.S. You know why?

'Cause when they fall down, their parents probably said, "get up!"

Not the rest of us. We baby-proof our lives now.

That eliminates the chance of surviving and adapting to things.

Ol' Chuck Darwin would be rolling over in that wooden casket they put him in the ground in.

You wanna teach your kids how to survive?

That's your job as a parent.

Your kid can speak Spanish?

Great. Chinese? Perfect!

Poetry? Perfect!

You wanna teach 'em how to survive, how about jumping from the garage roof into the pool on a skateboard, huh?!

Or better yet, riding a bicycle down a hill backwards, fighting off other kids with their hands.

You teach that kid how to survive, you've done your job as a parent! A parent!

That kid will be able to fend off anything that comes his way!

Like that Jason Bourne character we all like so much, huh?

(Knock on door)

What?!

Little louder than usual, Mike, huh?

Am I?

Mm. Everything okay?

Nah. They're baby-proofing my house 'cause of Boyd.

I think somebody trimmed my fingernails while I was sleeping.

Well, they should have painted them pink, too, because you're living like a lady.

Come on. Don't start.

Ah, it's too late. I've started. (Groans)

Baby-proofing. Come on.

Bumps and bruises are how you learn.

Yeah.

Yeah, you bang your head, you learn what?

Yeah.

You learn not to bang your head.

Your head.

Simple. You stick your hand in a fire...

Ouch!

You learn not to stick your hand in the fire.

Bumps and bruises and scar tissue-- that's how you grow. I mean...

Yes, yes, but... like that big, ugly knot in your head there, huh?

That's a--got that in the service, right?

I don't want to talk about that.

I can respect that.

Thank you.

Was it, you know, the shrapnel or something?

A-an ammo dump go up? What, a little P.O.W.?

What happened?

Leaned over to tie my shoe and banged my head on the coffee table.

Come on, they...

They had coffee tables in the jungle?

I was stationed on the beach.

Nice, little French colonial house.

Well, what about that scar on your leg you always show everybody?

Commanding officer left a file drawer open.

You said you got shot.

I got a shot.

Tetanus.

Those metal file drawers are filthy. I mean...

What about that limp you get when it rains?

Really hoping for a combat story.

Prepare to be disappointed.

Evie, I just got a weird text from Mandy.

It says she's "slinging 'zas."

What? Is that code for something that makes me a bad mother?

No clue. I-I don't speak Mandy.

It means I got her a job delivering pizzas.

To strangers?

No, just to us.

I mean, isn't that dangerous?

Why don't you just get her the graveyard shift at a liquor store?

'Cause she's not old enough?

(Mouths words)

Baby, delivering pizza's not dangerous.

I did it as a kid.

I thought we weren't gonna do anything unless we both said "yes." "No."

Why are you so against this?

Because you were a boy.

Mandy is a girl-- an attractive teenage girl showing up at strangers' houses, one of which might--might have a cage in the basement.

Your world view saddens me.

It's a good neighborhood. I have no concerns about this.

Why are we following Mandy in my van?

Because, you idiot, if she sees my truck, she'll know it's me.

Gotta follow her, but not too close.

She's going right. Stay with her.

Right, right, right, right, right. (Engine backfires)

This is horrible. I want her to be independent, but I want her to be safe.

How do you protect 'em and let 'em go at the same time?

I think that it's important--

Kyle, I'm not talking to you right now.

I'm just pondering deep thoughts, and your presence here just makes it slightly less weird.

I think you should just tell Mandy this was a bad idea and that she needs to quit.

(Laughs) I don't...

Oh, dear, sweet, innocent, ignorant Kyle.

You know, I remember when I was your age.

When you're young, everything's possible, even admitting you're wrong to a household filled with women.

(Engine backfiring)

Hey. Hi.

We're taking Boyd out for frozen yogurt as an excuse to get frozen yogurt.

You wanna come?

(Chuckles) Nah, your dad's out, and I'm going to have a glass of wine and watch some trashy show that he would just ruin by shouting, "that would never happen."

Yeah, try watching cartoons with him.

(Rattling)

(Sighs)

Ugh!

(Scoffs) Stupid peril.

You drive like an old woman.

(Brakes squeal) That's it. I'll wear a collar.

I'll run around like a dog.

I'll even be mocked for getting my head stuck in a bannister, which could've happened to anyone.

But in this castle, I am the King.

The King!

(Sighs)

Can we make this light?

Yes, sir.

(Engine revs and backfires)

It's just, sometimes I feel like you don't respect me.

Kyle, I'm letting you date my daughter.

In my world, that's the highest form of respect.

I didn't think of it that way.

You know, maybe the silver lining of us following Mandy is that we'll get to know each other on a deeper level.

I've never told anyone this before, Mr. B., but I've always dreamed that after--

Kyle, do I look like your diary?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. She's pulling over.

Right there, right there. Slow down, slow down, slow down.

(Engine turns off)

(Clears throat)

(Blows raspberry)

I'm gonna go in and take a look.

I want you to keep the motor running.

Don't make a sound.

(Engine backfires)

You are the worst sidekick ever.

(Dramatic music playing)

(Man) Skyler F., will you accept this rose?

(Woman) You know I will.

(Sighs) Skyler F., you never learn.

Aah! Oh, boy.

(Sighs)

Oh.

(Groaning)

Oh, boy.

(Owl hoots in distance)

(Creaking sound)

Creep! Aah! Mother...

So what happened again?

What aren't you getting here, honey?

Our daughter thought I was a stalker, so she sprayed mace in my face...

With...

Such speed and accuracy.

I'm actually quite proud of you.

I-I know you want me to follow in your footsteps, but do you mind if I find another job?

You know, smelling like food is kind of Kristin's thing.

No, I think it's a good idea--

Daddy.

Hmm?

Oh. I think it's a good idea to get another job.

Yeah.

But not driving. You're a-- you're a hazard out there.

Ugh. You sound like the crossing guard near my school.

Hey, thank you for stalking me.

That's what dads are for.

Guess who peed in the kiddie potty?!

Boyd!

Yeah, of course! Boyd.

Yeah, who else would it be?

Yay.

Oh! I'm so proud of him. I'm gonna go get my camera! Good idea.

And then I'm throwing way all his diapers!

Uh... maybe hang on to a... couple!

Uh, you know, you, uh, you might have been right about the baby-proofing.

I was right?

Yeah. I know. I'm as stunned as you.

It's bringing tears to my eyes, and I don't think it's just the mace.

But you were wrong about the pizza delivery.

Well, you were more wrong.

What, are you keeping score?

No, but if I was, it'd be 14-7.

Oh. (Sighs)

The point is, we need to decide things together. Mm-hmm.

And we went a little nuts with the whole baby-proofing thing.

So, uh, if you're on board, I think we should just dial it back.

What about Kristin?

(Rattling and banging)

(Kristin) Ugh!

Mother-father! Nothing opens around here!

I think she'll be okay with it.

Uh-huh. Yeah.