01x06 - Good Cop, Bad Cop

What are you doing?

Cleaning a flintlock musket from the revolutionary war while enjoying a little bacon and biscuits.

This is what our forefathers died for.

Can't you do that in your den?

The bill of rights says I can do this wherever I want to do this. Really?

Well, what if your 2-year-old grandson walked in here?

And overpowers me?

Your back could be turned.

You could be reaching for a piece of bacon.

Yeah. He could grab the musket out of my hand, shove me to the ground, pour the correct amount of powder in here, take the ramrod, jam it down there, get a musket ball, put that in there, take the ramrod back out, jam that down there, half-cock it, put a percussion cap in there, fully cock the thing, and somehow shoot me in the foot.

Just keep the safety on.

Honey, this whole gun is a safety.

It's a miracle we're not speaking British right now.

Morning, mom. Hi, sweetie.

Morning, dad. What you got there?

A... .69-caliber flintlock?

That's my girl.

Hey, can I camp out at the Magness Arena for Katy Perry tickets Thursday night?

You bet. You know how I feel about camping.

No, Mike, Mike... Honey, it's a school night.

Oh, that's right. School night. Can't go.

(Under breath) Killjoy strikes again.

What was that?

Look, Eve... was just saying how nice you looked, and I was... I was agreeing with her.

Well, it just didn't seem like nearly enough time went by for you guys to say all that.

There's never enough time, baby, to tell you how good you look.

Ah.

Last Man Standing - S01E06 Good Cop, Bad Cop

Hey, v., could you come in here a minute?

I hung up my n gun.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah? Yeah.

Well, you don't seem happy about it.

Well, the simplicity of it in contrast with my new shotguns makes the whole den look a little busy.

Sometimes I don't know if you're Billy the Kid or Billy Elliot.

Yay! I'm going to work like I like.

(Laughs)

Hey, Kris, stop for a second. Listen.

This isn't gonna last forever.

And you're doing the right thing. You're saving money.

You're applying to colleges.

You're doing everything I did when I was your age, except you're taking care of a baby, and I was taking care of this chopped and channeled Mercury with a flathead. I loved that car.

It was so cool because I had these side pipes-- yeah, yeah, dad, I know I should just suck it up, but last week, my manager, who hates me...

He doesn't hate you.

No, he hates me. He hates me.

He took me off of station one, and he stuck me at the counter where nobody tips.

We, speak up. Stand up for yourself.

I have been. I point at the tip jar and I shout, "hello! I'm poor!"

Honey, honey, you have to stand up for yourself.

Your dad's right. I mean, when I was working at that yogurt shop in high-school, my boss had me work every Friday night.

And all of my friends-- they were all out, they're having a great time.

Oh. Well, what did you do about it?

Nothing. I-I was just...

Getting it off my chest.

Is is amazing! (Squeals)

It is amazing. Look, she's holding on to a newspaper.

They're having open auditions for "America's next hot teen model" here in Denver, and they're only expecting, like, 10,000 girls, and 12 get in, so I'm pretty confident.

But, honey, isn't that the show where all the girls end up with eating disorders?

I know! I can't wait!

And all I have to do is bring in photos, a bio, and permission from my parents. So is it okay?

Well, does it cost any dough? No.

Do we have to drive you? Nope.

Will you miss any school? No more than usual.

Well, you know, uh, you know, follow your passion, huh?

Yes.

Ah. Well, uh, your father and I are gonna discuss this later.

Oh, I know what that means. Honey, it might mean "yes."

Will it? No.

Mike...

Honey, what is the harm in letting her try out?

Really, honey? A teen model? Yeah.

You want her hanging out in Vegas with Russian mobsters and, uh, David Spade?

I absolutely do not want that.

Then why did you say "yes"?

She's 5'1".

She doesn't like people telling her what to wear.

I think the universe will take care of this one.

While the universe is trying to figure it out, I look like the bad cop.

That's 'cause you're good at it.

That's why we're a great team.

I give 'em freedom. You set boundaries.

Well, why do I have to set the boundaries?

I'm freedom.

We both can't be freedom.

It was one thing when you were traveling around, but you're home now, and you can't just swoop in here and say, "hey, go for it."

Listen, I represent, you know, truth, justice...

The American way. I'm Swooperman.

Hey, Mike. You know, I was just taking a little stroll down the winter gear section. Guess what I saw.

Oh, the kayak.

Bingo. So where the hell are the parkas?

I moved 'em to the center aisle. The storm's coming.

Figured closer to the cash register, we'd sell more of 'em.

I see. Well, I like the fishing vests front and center.

It's not fishing season.

Well, I wasn't aware of that. You wanna know why?

Because you also moved the calendars.

Listen, Ed, if you don't like any of this stuff, just make the call.

Oh, I will. Because I am the boss, you see.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, you've been making a lot of decisions around here lately without consulting me. Like what?

Like--like when you fired Pete from shipping!

Pete was a thief.

Well, you don't know that.

We have video surveillance showing him taking money out of your desk.

The poor man was probably desperate.

Take a look at the video. The guy's whistling.

And then there was that-- what, that Thursday?

You decided to give everyone the day off.

Thanksgiving?

You know, you've got an answer for everything.

This is ridiculous. You're being just dumb now.

Because I just want you to remember that I'm still sitting in the big chair, see?

By the way, where the hell is my big chair?

Should have told you--

I sent it out to get re-upholstered.

You know what? I'll go down and get you a camp stool, and maybe a little admiral's hat for ya.

Hey, you want a sandwich?

Mm, no, thanks, dad, no carbs for me.

I'm gonna be a model.

And I'm gonna be an astronaut.

It's fun to just say things.

Ha ha ha ha. No, for your information, I am auditioning to be America's next hot teen model.

And mom and dad are gonna let you do that?

Well, they said they'd discuss it, and nobody told me "no." Right, dad?

I know I didn't.

So you think I have a shot?

If it was meant to be, it was meant to be.

Ha ha! See? Dad thinks I'm gonna win it.

Are you sure this is your native language?

Watch that attitude, or I'll find someone else to carry my dog.

(Sighs) Oy.

So you're still letting me be the bad cop no one has to be the bad cop.

I totally love and support her, and I'm absolutely certain she's gonna fail at this.

That's a very nice sentiment, but we need to nip this in the bud, and you need to tell her she can't audition.

(Mouth full) I heard you. I heard you.

I heard what you said.

Slowly forgetting it.

So you're sure you know what you're doing?

Hey, I was the photographer for my high school paper...

Until I got knocked up and I had to go to the pregnant school across the street.

Yeah, Kristin, can we not bring everyone down right now?

All right.

So my strategy is to show five sides of my personality.

Eve! Do you have my shot list?

"Sexy. Super sexy.

"Tease. Vamp.

Sexy from the side."

Well, the girl's got range.

I still think you should go with this sparkly top.

(Giggles) No.

What about this red cape-y thing?

(Laughs) No.

You said I could handle the wardrobe.

No, I said you could hand me the wardrobe.

Now less talky-talky, more hanging up the things I threw on the floor.

Okay, Mandy, you've got a lot of attitude for somebody who is one of 10,000 applicants to a Colorado modeling competition.

Whoa. Whoa. I cannot work in this judgy environment, okay?

I have a dream. You two can either be near it or not.

(Both) Not.

You'll be sorry!

(Both) No, we won't.

Fine! I'll just do it myself! It's fine.

Okay.

(Shutter clicks) Oh, yeah. That's nice.

(Click) Give me another one. Yeah. Yeah, like that.

(Click)

(Laughs)

(Click) That's great. Yes.

Oh, yeah.

Ooh! I have an idea. Okay.

Oh, yes! (Click)

Give me another one like that. Yes! So bad.

(Click)

(Indistinct conversations)

Hey, boss. Haven't you been busy?

Oh, yes, I have.

Allow me to present the Outdoor Man Sno-Mo-Bunnies.

The what?

Listen, you're a marketing genius.

What's the one thing guaranteed to move product?

Quality merchandise at a competitive price.

No, siree. Elevated testosterone levels.

Look, I like a woman in a bikini as much as the next guy-- not if the next guy is me.

There's just something about this that seems a little cheesy.

Oh.

But you're the boss. Your store. Do what you want.

Hey, maybe tomorrow or the next day, we can get a-a donkey out front with a big straw hat and a cigar.

"Hee-haw! Why don't you buy stuff?"

You can--you can mock me all you want, but these lovely young women are selling snowmobiles.

They're selling snowmobiles?

14 since noon.

Should we put 'em in heels?

Hey, sweetie. You talk to your manager?

Um, I-I tried. I tried.

Um, I-I barged into his office, and I said, "hey! You owe me a better station, "because I work hard, and every day I come in here, my soul dies a little."

Good, good. What'd he say?

Nothing. Nothing, because... He... was... dying... a little.

Literally, mom. What?

He--yeah. He was--no. He was choking on-a chicken bone, so--so I gave him the Heimlich, and--and I think I saved his life.

Wow. Kristin, honey, that's amazing.

You saved a life!

Yeah, but now I don't really know how to feel, because, you know, I went in there and I was so angry, and I was so ready to quit, and now I-I think I'm his hero.

Aw.

Well, honey, he's gotta treat you better now.

In some cultures, he'd have to be your slave.

Really, Mike, what cultures?

They're out there.

You guys! My photo shoot went... (Singsongy) A-mazing.

(Normal voice) So as soon as Travis approves the photos, I'm gonna send them off with the rest of my application, which, I might add, kind of rocks.

What application?

Yeah. Can you believe you're going to be the mother of a top teen model?

Ooh! Just don't go all Dina Lohan on me.

What was that? You said you were gonna talk to her.

Well, then I had a better idea to not talk to her.

How is that a better idea?

Because if we don't let her audition, she's still gonna have this dream, but if we let the universe say "no," it'll crush this bad idea forever.

Oh, my God, Mandy, you can't send these photos in.

Girls! What's all the yelling about?

Kristin doesn't like my photos.

Yeah, well, you won't either. What's the matter with them?

Too backlit? Too blurry? Underexposed?

Overexposed.

What the heck are you thinking?

Dad, don't make this a thing.

What are you thinking? Look at the--

Mike, hon-- oh! Where is your top?!

I don't get it. Nobody likes the photo.

I'd like it if you were wearing a turtleneck, not your hands.

You don't understand fashion.

I understand fashion has something to do with wearing clothes, but you aren't wearing any!

You can't see anything!

You can see under-boob.

Oh, lord, strike me blind.

I don't understand. What--what is the big deal?

I've seen the girls on your classic car calendar.

Sometimes they don't even have cars!

That has nothing to do with this!

Those aren't my daughters!

They're somebody's daughters!

We don't know that!

Mandy... Mandy, this is a big deal.

What if somebody saw those?

Well, then we would have a new most embarrassing Baxter daughter.

(Mouths words)

I think you guys need privacy.

Listen, you're young and you're naive, and this may seem like something harmless to you, but once these pictures get out, you can't get 'em back.

This could haunt you the rest of your life.

Let's say you ran for political office.

Mike, just--no.

All right. Forget that.

Look, honey, the point is, the mistakes that we make as young people can't be erased.

Whether it's a photograph like this, or an embarrassing tattoo... Mike.

Listen, I'm gonna take the memory card and get rid of these.

Fine, go ahead. I'll just have Travis text them back to me.

Travis has seen these?

Probably not yet. He has a trombone lesson till 8:00.

Ugh.

So there's a chance he hasn't shared them with 4,000 of his closest friends?

Mom, Travis wouldn't do that.

No, no. 'Cause he's a 17-year-old boy, and they are notoriously trustworthy.

Come on.

Always trustworthy.


(Doorbell rings)

Hey, hi there. Is Travis home?

Who are you?

Mike Baxter. (Trombone playing in distance)

Outdoor man.

Mandy's dad! Hi!

I'm Kim.

Oh, I am so happy to meet you.

Well, good.

I've been trying to get our families together for a meal for so long.

Well, we're busy, and we have a lot of food allergies.

Anyway, um, is Travis home?

He's in his trombone intensive. Can I help you?

Well, this is just going to be a little awkward.

Look, it turns out that Mandy may have sent him some provocative pictures on his cell phone.

(Trombone warbles, stops)

Pornography?

Well, I wouldn't say pornography.

It's more of a, uh...

If you were to shoot, um...

Um, oh, God help me, uh, under-boob.

(Trombone resumes playing) If I could just see his phone, I can delete them, and I'd be out of here.

It's--it's right here.

Ugh! I can't believe this. Oh, thank you so much.

I never should have let Travis see Mandy.

The apple doesn't fall far from the big sister.

What's the heck that supposed to mean?

I'll tell you one thing your daughters aren't allergic to-- loose morals.

Wow. Do we have a lot of nerve, Kim?

I've got a lot of nerve?

You're the one standing in my living room holding my son's cell phone, which is now jam-packed full of pornography.

It's just so dirty.

Yes, it--it does appear to be dirty.

Let's--let's give it a little bath.

You've ruined his phone.

Yes, I guess I'm sorry about that.

Here, buy him a new phone.

And try raising three daughters while you're pointing your little finger there.

It's a pain in the ass.

(Indistinct conversations)

(Piano playing)

Hi, . Baxter.

Hi. I know you.

I'm April.

Which calendar?

No. April Miller.

I went to school with your daughter Kristin.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I-I know your dad. He's, um...

He's a mechanic.

And a good guy, too.

Well, you've grown-- you've grown up, you know?

Yeah.

(Camera shutter clicking)

Mike...

Mike, what's going on? Where are my Sno-Mo-Bunnies?

I sent 'em home, Ed.

I thought I made it clear I don't wanna be second-guessed.

How many snowmobiles can you sell?

All of them.

That's what we do. Now get the girls back.

No. I'm not asking.

Half-naked girls running around downstairs?

That's not what Outdoor Man is all about.

Wait--wait a minute. Don't tell me what Outdoor Man is about.

I am Outdoor Man.

Well, when I came on board, you had one store--

Ed's fishin' hole. Now you have 20.

I'd like to think I'm part of that.

Well, forget it! I'm not going anywhere!

Nobody's taking over, Ed!

What's the matter with you?

(Clears throat) I had a birthday last week.

So what? I forget every year.

Well, now I'm the same age my father was when he retired, and retirement killed him.

Well, actually, the husband of the lady he was seeing killed him.

But he wouldn't have been seeing her if he had been at work.

Ed, no one's suggesting that you retire.

Don't kid a kidder.

You've been changing things around here.

You've been going your own way.

Now you send the girls home?

That's different. I know one of those girls.

I know her dad. That's somebody's daughter.

They're all somebody's daughters.

Sounds like the worst country song ever written.

Listen, you're my best friend, you're my mentor, and most of all, Ed, you're my boss.

This is your place.

Nothing's gonna change, all right?

All right. Okay, Mike. All right, listen.

But I'm not gonna hug you, okay?

Okay.

(Laughs) Uh, but somehow, shaking hands doesn't seem quite enough, you know? It's...

Well, it is for me.

Yeah.

Ahh! There we go.

Let's do it again. Oh! Oh. At's just-- one more time.

Okay! That was enough. That was enough.

I still can't believe all those horrible things

Travis' mother said about my daughters.

Oh, she is lucky I wasn't there.

Wow. Well, there's nothing you would have done that I didn't do.

I would have cut her.

(Crunches)

It's probably a good thing you didn't go over there.

(Sighs heavily)

Well, another day in paradise.

We had three tables dine and dash, one of our refrigerators went out, and a customer chipped a tooth on a tooth.

(Both laugh)

So did your super-grateful boss give you a raise?

Nope.

Did he move you to a better station?

No.

What do you say you and I go back in an hour and put that chicken bone back in his throat?

Right. Um...

He gave me this.

This is...

It's a photo of his 5-year-old son.

Oh. Oh. He's cute.

Yeah. He said if not for me, this boy wouldn't have a father.

And, uh, it made me realize that years from now, I'm gonna look back at this stupid diner job and I'm gonna think, wow, I guess it wasn't a waste.

You're a good kid. I'm very proud of you.

Yeah.

I still think a raise would have been nice.

(Mouth full) Well, thanks for nothing, dad.

Now I'm not gonna be America's next hot teen model, which was my gateway to "dancing with the stars."

Which was her gateway to "celebrity rehab."

I'm disappointed in all of you!

In no particular order-- dad, mom, and Kristin!

Wait, what did I do?

Exactly!

Wow.

(Groans) So this is what it feels like to disappoint your daughter?

Yeah. But you get used to it.

No, I kind of like it. It makes me feel alive.

Yeah? So no more good cop/bad cop?

Just two old cops walking the beat, too old to care about anything except eating doughnuts, drinking coffee, waiting for our pension.

Mm. Sounds good to me.

Hey, uh...

You wanna do it?

You mean go get doughnuts?

Yeah.

I was actually thinking of...

Doughnuts would be good.

Yeah! Let's.

(All) Surprise!

What--what the hell is this? What's going on?

Happy belated birthday, boss.

It's actually a Bar Mitzvah cake that someone didn't pick up at the bakery, so...

Mazel tov!

You shouldn't have. Ah, it wasn't a big deal.

No, act-actually, you shouldn't have.

You know, it's a company rule. We don't do birthdays, you know?

I mean, we'd have to do about a hundred of them, then I'd have to memorize everybody's names.

Well, we thought we'd, uh, bend the rules a little bit for the boss.

Yeah, well, you'll do anything to usurp me, huh, Mike?

You bet I will.

Yeah.

Huh?

(Man cheers)

Hey. Isn't that lovely? My own chair.

Why don't you give me a gift certificate to my own store?

How about--why don't you why don't you wrap up my own shoes?

Hey, why don't you put-- here, put this--this ribbon right on top of my own car.

Tell you what--why don't you stuff me in a gift box and mail me to myself?