01x10 - Last Christmas Standing

Come on, let's go, we're gonna be late!

Why do we even have to go to church?

Because like everyone else, we are hedging our bets.

It's Christmastime.

God pays a lot closer attention this time of year.

It's like October in baseball. Every game counts.

I can't find my church purse anywhere.

What the...

Or the bottom half of that dress.

At least I'm not dressed like a sister wife.

Well, at least my dress didn't come with a stripper pole.

Dad.

Hey, it's Christmas. Deck the halls, not each other.

Okay, I just have to get my purse.

No, no, d-d-don't go back up.

You know, trying to get you guys to go to church is like herding cats.

Honey, honey, honey, why don't we just not go?

We're going to church. Come on, come on, come on. Please?

All right.

Yeah, but it's just, it's-- it's a week until Christmas, and I'd rather get stuff done than sit and pray that it gets done.

Honey, honey, if everyone who didn't want to go to church didn't go to church, it would just be two old women in the front row, shushing empty pews.

I found it. Ready.

Great, let's go.

Clashes with your shoes.

No, no, no. I know what you're doing.

You're just trying to psych me out.

Am I?

Damn it. Dad, give me two seconds.

It's hopeless. It's hopeless.

Just a minute. Turn around, Mandy.

Come on, down the stairs, down the stairs.

All right, everybody. Time for church.

Move it! Move it! Move it! Move it!

All right.

Keep it moving. Keep it moving. This is great. Thank you.

And for the record, I got the ball rolling.

Last Man Standing - S01E10 Last Christmas Standing
Original air date December 6, 2011

(Organ playing)

(Indistinct conversations)

(Mouthing words) Stop. Come on. You're in church.

Mom. Mom. Mom. Ryan's here.

(Whispers) Ow.

Oh, my God.

Honey, don't say "God" in church.

Mike. (Speaks indistinctly)

Oh, God.

(Both) Shh!

♪ Hallelujah ♪

That's Boyd's father. Yeah, I know.

He got Kristin pregnant and then deserted her.

Y--we all know that.

Well, he doesn't.

Honey, what do you think he's doing here?

I don't know.

What do you say I drag him out by his pretty hair and ask him?

Look, I wasn't expecting this either, but it's Christmas-- happiness, good feelings, nuts roasting over an open fire.

(Vanessa) Kristin, what was Ryan doing at church?

(Mike) Yeah.

Okay.

Ryan's back in town, and he reached out to me, so we've seen him a couple times.

He wants to be a part of Boyd's life.

Oh, well, honey, if that's what you want, then--then you have our full support.

You have your mother's full support.

I'm still in that "what, are you freaking kidding me?" Camp.

Look, I know what it's like to have an awesome dad, and--and even if it's a long shot, I want Boyd to have a chance at that, too.

First off, thank you very much.

Second off, I know exactly what you're doing.

You're complimenting me so you'll get your way.

I invented this move.

Dad, I know you hate Ryan, but he's different now.

He's more mature and he's even been supporting himself.

Oh, yeah? Doing what?

Doesn't matter.

He's a drug dealer, right?

No.

He was recently a jouster at the Renaissance Faire.

So he actually lowered the bar.

Ah, Earl. Your work was exceptional this year.

Have a ham.

Okay.

Stuart.

I've never seen a shoddier performance.

Have a ham.

Hi, Mike. (Clears throat)

You know, I don't think this socialist ham giveaway is a good incentive program.

You want to wear the Santa suit?

Heh. Me in a Santa suit? I don't think so.

Hey, dad.

Okay. What do you think? Huh?

Well, baby, I think you are adorable.

Ugh. That's what I was afraid of.

It is really hard to look sexy in green felt.

Then you've never seen miss Sandy Duncan in "Peter Pan."

(Laughs) Yeah.

I can't believe I have to work for spending money.

Ugh. It's so work-y.

Yeah, yeah.

Listen, your job here is to spread holiday cheer and help out and also get kids to sit in angry Santa's lap here.

But only after they've voided their bladders-- also your responsibility.

All right, Mr. Claus. I'll do my best.

Oh, Mr. Claus is my father. Just call me Santa.

All right, Santa. I will try not to disappoint you.

I have complete faith in you.

Oh, that's what everyone always says at first.

Hey, Mr. B.? Yep.

I just want to warn you about Ryan.

Oh, I know he's back, but you don't need to feel threatened about that.

(High-pitched voice) I'm not threatened.

(Normal voice) My voice got all high.

I'm clearly threatened.

I'm telling you, Kristin's not gonna leave you for the guy.

I didn't think she was.

Why would you even put that in the air?

'Cause he's a slick, smooth, you know, good-looking jerk.

You find him good-looking?

(Stammers)

Do you find me good-looking?

Well, legally, as your boss, I'm not allowed to even answer that.

Hey, Mike. Hey. Can you give me a sec?

I was gonna tell you. Ryan's in your office.

Ah. Sorry about that.

I'm selling a sword on Craigslist.

Give me one reason why I shouldn't throw you out that window.

Because I came to have a man-to-man talk with you, and that won't work if I'm in the air screaming.

Look, I want to be in Boyd's life.

I want to see him for Christmas.

And I want to be a point guard for the nuggets.

Look, I know I screwed up, but I'm his dad, and I'm back.

Until jousting season?

Technically, it's not seasonal.

It's at the pleasure of the King.

You left my daughter and your son.

I know. I was working. I had a lot of jobs.

I was a singing waiter on a cruise ship, and now I'm the senior knight at the Ren Faire.

And a couple months ago, I was sitting there at the head of the round table-- hey, whoa, walk me through that.

Head of a round table-- how does that work?

And I realized I'm at the top of my game in every way but one-- being a dad.

Wow, that's a--that's a good smile you got there.

Bet that really works on the girls, doesn't it?

Well, you know...

Sounds like your acting career is--is really taking off.

Thank you.

But the--the role of Boyd's, uh, father should have been cast two and a half years ago.

(Knock on door, door opens)

I'm sorry. How's this going in here?

'Cause I'm kind of inside my head out there.

Cheese!

Oh! (Laughs)

Okay. Next.

That's wonderful. Thank you, thank you.

Well, well, well. Aren't you adorable?

What's your name?

Jack.

I was talking to your mother.

Okay, all right, okay, here we go.

Now move along. Up on Santa's lap.

There we go.

There you go, all right, come on.

Here's the picture. Smile there.

Okay? Say, "cheese."

Cheese.

There you go. Okay.

(Chuckles) Good job. Next!

No, no, actually, Santa's gonna warm himself up with a little lrish coffee.

Hold the coffee. (Singsongy) Be back in ten.

(Normal voice) Ho ho ho ho.

Oh, good idea. I-I could use a break, too. (Chuckles)

Yeah, you'll get a break. It's called January to November.

But I've been on my feet all day.

You try walking around in these pointy, uncomfortable shoes.

Don't talk to me about uncomfortable shoes.

I didn't own a pair of shoes till I was 12.

My mother used to paint laces on my socks, and nobody was fooled, by the way.

All right, everybody, back to work.

I want this place swept up and all the candy cane baskets refilled by the time I get back.

All right? (Singsongy) Ho ho ho ho ho.

That's not fair.

Scrooge.

Hey, you can't talk to Santa like that.

Um, he's not actually Santa Claus.

What?!

Nothing.

Nothing.

Look, just because we're playing Santa's little helpers doesn't mean we don't have any rights.

Shh! Don't make any trouble.

He knows when we've been bad or good.

Wait a second.

We get paid, like, nothing-- no breaks, no benefits.

But this is the way it's always been.

You mean the way it's always used to been.

Ho ho ho ho ho ho.

Okay, kiddies.

Santa's back.

Ho ho ho ho ho... huh.

Where the hell is everybody?

Elves.

Ahem. (Clears throat) What about us?

Come on, people. Back to work.

We're not gonna do anything around here until we get some rights.

Sweet Mandy, am I understanding right?

You're unionizing the elves?

Yes, Mr. Alzate. We are all in this together.

It is no longer every elf for his... elf.

Well, thanks a lot, dad.

I heard Ryan came by your work to apologize, and you were mean to him?

"Mean to him"? What's he, 6?

I wasn't mean. I was clear with him.

And listen, I work at a store filled with guns, and he left with the same amount of holes he walked in there with.

Look, he's trying to apologize, and he wants to see Boyd for Christmas.

You can't hold a grudge forever.

Oh, yeah, I can.

I'm still angry that those hippies remade "true grit."

Did you understand anything they said?

(Southern accent) "Sheriff, what you doing over here? Come on now."

(Speaks indistinctly in gruff voice)

"That leg gonna have to come off."

Dad, I was sort of thinking, you know, you make everyone go to church every week and listen to sermons about forgiveness.

So?

So... maybe you should just forgive Ryan.

(Scoffs)

That's what you take away from church? Forgiveness?

Wow.

What about the vengeful God? All that lsaiah stuff, huh?

Rain toads on people.

Rivers into blood, harden the heart of the Pharaoh.

How come that didn't sink in? That's my God.

Not mine.

All right. All right.

Nobody is leaving this room until we get this worked out.

Hmm?

(Clears throat, sighs)

I gotta go.


(Door opens)

I'm gonna write an offer on a piece of paper, all right?

And slide it to you.

Why don't you just tell me what it is?

It's more dramatic like this.

One free ham.

(Clears throat)

I don't think so.

Worth a shot.

Listen, Mr. Alzate, you can't break us, so you might as well just give in.

Well, we'll see about that.

All right, what are your demands?

Right, yes. Um, okay.

"Demand number one..."

Mm.

"We want a 5% cost-of-living increase every 6 months."

I see. You understand your job ends in three days?

I was not aware of that.

All right. Next demand.

Given this new information... Mm-hmm.

Some of these things might not apply as much.

Mm-hmm.

So, um...

Clothing allowance, company car, um...

Okay, right, yes. Uh, 10-minute break every hour.

Ah. Well, in the spirit of Christmas, I'll give you five.

In the spirit of Christmas, we'll take it.

There you go.

Yes! I just totally negotiated! (Laughs)

Well, we got to get back out.

There are lots of kids waiting, hundreds of kids.

Oh, no. I'm exhausted. I can't go through this no more.

And their moms.

Let's go.

Well, Boyd's crashed out.

Dad, why would you let him have an enormous chocolate reindeer an hour before dinner?

In my defense, I thought that thing was hollow.

Kyle's here.

He brought a plant.

Hey, Mrs. B. This is for you.

Oh, thank you, Kyle. That is very thoughtful and special.

The gravy is congealing. Let's eat.

Come on, everybody. Eat. Who wants to say grace?

I will. Can I?

Sure.

Yeah, sure, honey.

Well, that's quite a show.

Wow. Isn't that ni--

Very nice.

Mandy's gonna say grace.

(Vanessa) Okay. All right. I like that.

Hit it.

Okay.

Go ahead. Ready? Okay.

Dear lord, we are all so thankful to be gathered here on this special day.

And we're also thankful for the longer holiday hours at the mall...

For diet soda, and... for my beautiful skin and for making me so popular.

Okay, all right, all right, all right, all right--

Amen. That was...

(Mandy) Amen.

Right from the heart. That's nice.

Uh, anybody else want to say anything?

Uh, actually, I have something to say.

Great.

(Vanessa) Okay. Go ahead, Kyle.

(Sighs) Kristin, you are super important to me...

That's great.

And I-I don't want to ever lose you, and that's why the following thing is about to happen.

What? Whoa, whoa, what are you doing?

Kristin Marie Baxter...

Whose middle name's Beth.

I know we've only known each other a short time...

No.

Hang on. You don't know where this is headed.

Will you marry me?

No.

Oh. (Sighs)

Um...

I don't know what I'm supposed to do, 'cause in my head, we were already kissing.

You know, we should-- we should go outside and talk.

Just give us-- give us a minute?

Oh, my God. I have got to see this.

This is gonna be so good, you know?

Like one of those Spanish soap operas...

Where you can't understand what they're saying, but everything's really desperate and sad.

(Doorbell rings)

Hey, can anybody but me go get that?

(Rings)

Hi, Mrs. Baxter. This is for you.

Of course it is.

What, uh, what are you doing here?

I wanted to drop off this Christmas gift for Boyd.

(Mike) Who's at the door?

(Stammers)

I'm gonna ask you something, and, uh, it--it-- if it seems sarcastic, it's not meant to be, but, uh, do you have a death wish?

It's Christmas. I'm sure Mike will be cool with me being here.

Yeah.

Hey, honey, where's my carving knife?

Uh, I...

I-I-I don't know, sweetheart. H-hang on.

Uh, this might be a good time to do what you do best--flee.

Uh, Kyle, can you put that away?

I just had to cancel a balloon delivery.

Okay, look, look, I-I get-- I get what's going on, but you shouldn't feel threatened just because Ryan's back in town.

I shouldn't?

No. No, no, no, look, I want him to be a part of Boyd's life.

Okay? Not my life, Boyd's life.

So what about us?

I like that we're taking things slowly.

So keep the ring...

For now.

You know, I'd still like a Christmas present, just...

You know, something a little less life-changing.

I was gonna give this coffee gift card to the mailman.

See? This--this is perfect.

(Kisses)

They make smoothies, too.

Ohh. I think we have to go back in there.

I'm a little embarrassed.

Oh... No one's gonna remember.

The important thing is that you are my boyfriend, and nobody is taking your place.

(Door squeaks)

Hey, Kris. What up?

Uh, uh, surprise.

Ryan's here?

And he's sitting in my chair.

And he's eaten all your porridge.

Honey? The knife was out by the sharpener.

Yeah, I...

I'm gonna go get the first aid Kit.

Listen... what the hell?

You show up at my place of worship, then my job, now my house. What next?

Trunk of my car? Might not be a bad idea.

I'm starting to feel uncomfortable.

This from the guy who spends half the year in a codpiece.

Codpiece. That's funny. How do you know about codpieces?

Look, you have no reason to believe I'll do the right thing, and if you tell me to leave now, you won't ever see me again, but I'm just asking for a little compassion...

And maybe a little forgiveness.

Jeez.

"Forgiveness"--that word keeps biting me in the ass.

Hey, dad, remember the Christmas truce story?

What about it?

The one you tell every year about the Germans and the French?

I'm not telling that.

It's German and the British, by the way.

Okay, well, I'm gonna tell. Everybody sit down.

Sit down. Ryan, you sit over there.

Everybody sit down. Okay.

(Sighs)

It was the winter of 1912.

1914.

1914...

In France.

Belgium.

I'll--sit down. I'll tell the story.

Okay.

It was, um, it was world war I-- uh, trench warfare between the Germans and the British, and it was particularly violent. Thousands of men died.

It was horrible fighting, but one Christmas, these hated enemies decided to, uh, exchange gifts, stop shooting each other.

And, um, and they called it a...

A Christmas truce.

(Sighs)

A lot of those soldiers had syphilis.

So are you offering me a truce, Mr. Baxter?

Yes, I am.

So, dad...

Can he stay for dinner?

So I g-- I guess he can, yeah.

Cool. Can I have a drumstick?

Right away you gotta push it. Right away you push it.

I'll get a plate.

Remember, the truce only lasted 24 hours.

Then they went back to bayoneting each other.

Thank you, dad.

You're welcome.

I'm proud of you. (Chuckles)

See, this is what Christmas is all about.

So where's Boyd?

Oh. My dad gave him a chocolate reindeer, and he crashed out.

Yeah, Mike, I'd really rather he didn't have sugar.

All right, you gotta go. Mike.

No, all right, all right, I just--sit back down.

(Door opens)

Hey, here we are.

Hello, everybody.

(Vanessa) Hey, Ed.

Congratulations, Kyle and Kristin.

May your love grow stronger every year.

Ed, I texted you, "kill the balloons."

Oh, that was you?

I was terrified. I had no idea what it meant.

Sit down. Join us. Come on, sit, sit, sit, sit.

(All) ♪ silent night ♪
♪ holy night ♪

(Ryan) ♪ it was so holy ♪
♪ all is calm ♪
♪ all is bright ♪
♪ so calm and so bright ♪
♪ 'round yon virgin ♪
♪ mother and child ♪
♪ just the two of them ♪
♪ holy infant so ♪
♪ tender and mild ♪
♪ the baby was so tender and so mild ♪
♪ sleep in heavenly peace ♪
♪ sleep in heavenly peace ♪
♪ sleep in heavenly... ♪

Come on.

♪ Sleep in heavenly ♪
♪ peace ♪

Yes.