01x14 - Odd Couple Out

Oh. Hey, look, Mandy.

Huh?

What a surprise.

The parking citation people are reaching out to us again.

Okay, but, mama, it totally wasn't my fault.

Let me guess. Was the meter maid jealous of your leather coat again?

No. My tall boots.

Look, you've been very irresponsible with this car.

One more strike, and you lose it.

Oh, come on. Everyone hates on the pretty girl.

Yeah.

(Scoffs) You two have no idea how easy you've got it.

(Mike) Hey, honey, did we have a party I was unaware of?

No. (Sighs)

That's weird.

What?

Our trash cans were filled with wine bottles and what I hope is onion dip.

You think it's, uh, you think it's the girls?

(Southern accent) No, baby.

I think our kids like corn liquor.

(Chuckles) Well...

Joking aside, I think you should give another one of those drugs and alcohol talks anyway.

It can't hurt. Now why am I doing that?

Well, because that's what we decided... that, uh, you would be in charge of the drugs and alcohol and I would be in charge of the s*x talk.

That went well.

Only one girl got pregnant behind a bowling alley.

Captioned by closed captioning services, inc.

(Bottles clinking)

Oh, hey, Michelle.

Hey.

Hi.

I hope you don't mind if I use your trash cans.

I ran out of room in mine.

Oh, no. Oh, so that's where the onion dip came from.

Sorry. (Chuckles)

It's okay.

It, uh, looks like you had a party.

No, no. These are just from a social gathering I had at my house with a bunch of people. (Chuckles)

Well, you don't have to explain yourself to me. (Chuckles)

Were the, uh, were the Wongs invited?

The Kopelmans? Uh, you wouldn't have invited the Kopelmans without inviting us.

Uh...

Dad, we've heard this speech.

I know, and you're gonna hear it again.

Listen, I'm not gonna lie to you.

Drugs can make you feel like you're on top of the world, like you can be the best you can be and do anything, but... and here's the big "but"... we have slipped below the Kopelmans!

All right, listen, the big "but" here is that drugs can...

I'm upset. Could you follow me in here?

I haven't got to the bad part about the drugs yet, so you guys stay put, and I'll back here in a minute with a really scary metaphor about eggs fryin' in a pan.

Honey, I haven't got to the dangerous part about drugs yet.

Michelle had a party, and she didn't invite us.

So we dodged a bullet.

No. Wait. (Sighs)

I have known Michelle for years...

Right.

And when Eve was born, I almost named her "Michelle," until I realized that that was the name of your college girlfriend.

Yeah, she... she was a cheerleader.

All right, stop. You know what? Stop. Just...

(Mouthing words)

(Sighs)

I mean, I just... I-I cannot wrap my head around this.

I mean, what... what could I possibly have done to offend her?

We were just at her theme party last month...

Yeah.

And I... I thought that went great. Remember?

Yeah, I remember.

('70s music playing)

Oh. (Chuckles) Michelle. This is your best party ever.

Oh, I just love the '70s theme.

Of course, I was just a baby back then.

(Chuckles) Yeah, an eighth-grade baby.

Wah, wah.

Oh. Lava lamps are such a nice touch...

Yeah. Cool. Right?

Well, as one scientist to another, I really try to have an eye for detail.

Ah. Well, I'm gonna go, uh, check out the fondue bar.

(Chuckles)

Michelle? A scientist? Aren't you a weather girl?

Meteorologist.

TV meteorologist. You just point at clouds that aren't really there. "Look over here at the green..."

(Chuckles)

Uh, actually, my profession requires an extraordinary degree of skill and knowledge.

Um, I... I wasn't being insulting.

I was just... just, you know, bustin' your chops, but isn't it funny that your whole job you could download on a free app?

I mean, the whole... (Chuckles)

(Chuckles) Oh, boy.

Mystery to me.

Well, I mean, I-I didn't write her a thank-you note.

Do you think that could be it?

Oh, definitely.

I-I...

Pfft. Come on. Write her a thank-you note.

Baby, you're better than that.

Mm-hmm. I see.

Wow. Okay.

Hey. You need to move your car. I'm gonna shoot some hoops.

Okay. Here. You move it. Here.

I'm 13. I'm not allowed.

I'm in the middle of a very important conversation right now, okay?

Well, do you think that Jeanette shaves her forearms?

Give me the keys.

I was thinking so, too, because, to tell you the truth, you can see fuzz all the way down to her elbows, and then it's, like, nothing.

Mandy.

Uh-huh.

Mandy, you were supposed to empty the dishwasher.

You were supposed to go to college. Oh! (Laughing)

(Engine starts in distance)

(High-pitched voice) Did you just hear that?

I was just totally funny.

My sister walks in and she's all, "um, Mandy, you were supposed to empty the dishwasher," and then I was like... hey, hey, hey...

"you were supposed to go to college." Ow! (Chuckles)

(Crash)

I gotta call you back.

(Grunts)

(Kristin) How did this happen?

How do you think it happened?

I'm 13. I've never driven a car before.

Oh, how hard can it be?

YouTube is full of videos of dogs driving tractors!

Mom and dad are gonna kill me.

I've never been in trouble before ever.

I'm not like you people.

You can take the hit for this one, because I am one strike away from public transportation.

No. No. No, no, no. You could... you could walk... (Sighs)

Or... or you... or you could ride your bike.

I'm sorry. Now I'm just being mean.

You know what?

This... this is your fault for making me drive your car.

It's your fault for always exercising.

This is America, Eve. Kids don't do that.

All right. That's enough. Enough, okay?

I have an idea. Come here.

Look, Kyle has this device that takes dents out of cars.

He uses it, like, twice a day.

His apartment's across the street from a driving range.

(Door opens)

(Mike) Hey, guys.

What's with all the noise out here?

(Chuckles) Um...

We were just gonna...

Clean the garage as a surprise, daddy.

Oh. Well, use my power washer.

Plug it in. You can get the grease stains off the floor.

Thanks.

Even Cinderella didn't have to power-wash the garage.

(Sighs)

Did I track something in?

(Clicks tongue)

(Sighs) Just got off the phone with Michelle.

Did you know her entire job could be done by a 99-cent phone app?

Of course you did!

Actually, I-I said it was a free app, but that probably doesn't, uh, help right now, does it?

Why would you even say something like that?

Michelle is my friend.

'Cause she's an accuweather-ologist.

She's wrong half the time, but she still has a job.

(Chuckles) I just... it's the truth.

All right. You know what? Could... could you just make an effort to not insult our friends?

Well, at this age, maybe we need less friends.

We could thin the herd out a little bit.

You're thinning the people that I like.

I mean, Michelle and I... we do fun things together.

We go to the book groups and the art fairs and... and that soups of autumns class a-at the learning annex.

Right. In my opinion, that was a complete waste of $6.

All right. You know what? The girls are getting older, and if we don't maintain our social life, we are staring down the barrel of decades of just you and me.

And you wanna know who I'm dragging to that soups of autumn class?

I'll be dead before then.

Oh, no, no, no, no. No, you won't, because I will keep you alive long enough to suffer through...

(Whispers) All of it.

You just threatened me with life.

Yes, I did!

(Indistinct radio chatter)

Mike, bad news. (Turns off radio)

Curly's out for poker.

Curly's never out for poker.

We set up a table at his dad's wake.

Mm. He joined gamblers anonymous.

What a wimp.

Yeah, I know.

A real man would just keep trying to win it all back, huh?

Wait a minute. Hold on. I got a question for you.

Yeah. Yeah.

When you were married...

Oh, here we go.

Now listen...

Yeah.

If your wife was not invited to a party... now wait a minute. Which wife?

I don't care. Lois. If she wasn't invited to a party...

Lois? Well, Lois hated parties.

All right, forget Lois. Ruth.

If she wasn't invited to a party...

Ruth? Well, Ruth... I didn't know she drank until I saw her sober.

Let's just forget about your wives for a minute.

I might have insulted one of Vanessa's friends, and now they're not friends anymore, and Vanessa's really worried that we're not gonna have any friends and we're gonna end up alone, even though she's friends... (Chuckles)

With half of the women in Denver.

Mm. Mike, how many pairs of shoes do you own?

Uh, uh, probably five or six, including the ones I got on.

And Vanessa?

7 million. What's the point?

Well, yeah, see, women collect friends like they collect shoes, and like shoes, they never get rid of them, even if... even if the shoes are going out of style.

See, women are terrified that the day they throw them away, that's the day that they'll... that they'll desperately need them.

See, it's... it's... It's a mental illness.

I just wish you could just take all the friends that don't fit anymore, take 'em to goodwill and just, like, give them away.

"Hey, here. I hope somebody can use the Kopelmans."

(Chuckles) Yeah, my father used to say to me, "a man shouldn't have more friends than he can name in ten seconds."

I like that, but your dad also said, "don't date a woman over 5'2"."

Well, he was a short and lonely man. (Knock on door)

Hey, Mr. B. You ready to do your vlog?

Yeah, let's set the camera up right over there.

Oh, ed.

Hey. Hmm?

Uh, what should I wear to poker night?

Wait a second.

Kyle's coming to poker night? You didn't ask me about that.

Uh, well, I don't really get the rules, but I am bringing beer and all the money I got for my birthday.

Well, you might want to wear a shirt you don't mind losing.

Hey.

Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man, staring down the barrel of somethin' genuine.

This Saturday we're showing genuine antiques at Outdoor Man, like this single-shot colt peacemaker.

It made peace the old-fashioned way... (Clicking)

Hurled hot lead at other people you didn't like. (Gunshot)

Okay, we've come a bit since then, but still, this is the genuine article.

It is what it is. I like that. Genuine.

Too bad people can't be genuine.

Truthful. That's what I like. Truthful.

We don't even have genuine heroes anymore.

Sports heroes... all 'roided up. Hey, Tony. (Bell dings)

I've never seen anybody hit a ball 6 Miles before. (Bat hits ball)

What happened to your head? It looks like a huge ash can.

What's with all the man boobs?

If you want to see genuine articles, Outdoor Man this Saturday... our big genuine article sale. (Clicks)

Pow.

All right. I want to finish up our discussion about drugs and alcohol, so I want you guys to take these two pamphlets.

Read them. In the back, there is a very simple test, unless... you're high.

Dad, why do we have to read this stuff?

You already gave us the talk.

(Sighs) Yeah, drugs and alcohol can make you feel like you're on top of the world. Yeah.

Yeah.

Like you can do anything.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But... and here is the big "but"... you have...

(Vanessa) Mike, can you come here a minute?

I was just about to get to the dangers...

Hey.

Of drugs and alcohol.

Yeah, listen, I talked to Michelle, and I think that I have the whole thing worked out.

I've got it worked out.

We're gonna go to...

Listen, you know, you were totally right.

I had no idea you had this thing with shoes.

You have a lot of shoes. You can't throw shoes out.

I get it. I get it.

What are you talking about?

Listen, from now on, when we go out, I'm just gonna keep my opinions to myself...

Okay. All right. Well, good. Good.

But it's too bad, 'cause she's already written you off as a friend, obviously, and I don't have a chance... Well, no.

To make amends to her.

No. Here. Wait. Listen.

Apparently, her new boyfriend is a big fan of yours, and he can't wait to meet the real Outdoor Man.

So if I'm reading you correctly, I kind of saved the day.

Yeah, after you ruined the day.

Yeah, but who remembers what happened in the first quarter?

(Chuckles) All right, so what is this gonna mean, a meal or something? (Closes drawer)

Yep, the four of us at Michelle's favorite raw food restaurant.

(Whiny voice) Raw food?

Yeah. Why?

(Normal voice) Oh, that's like eating in the garden.

You know, you gotta get cooked food.

That's what separates man from the animal.

Oh? What about art?

You know, I was in Thailand, and there's elephants there that paint.

They have galleries.

Wait.

They're very famous over there.

Okay, well, you can tell Michelle all about that at dinner.

Oh, Michelle from next door?

Yeah.

You know, her new boyfriend is an ex-Navy S.E.A.L.

How do you know that?

I was at her party.

Wh...

(sighs) Never mind. Never mind.

He's kinda hot.

Yeah.

I would totally go for him if I didn't have a boyfriend and a baby from another man.

(Chuckles) Again, kudos on the s*x talk.

Right.

Mm. We might need something stronger to get that dent out.

This is the most effective device for removing car door panel dings.

I was actually talking about you. (Chuckles)

Mandy, he's trying to help.

Just carry on, Kyle.

All right. (Grunts)

(Mandy gasps)

Yes!

(Eve) Ohh. (Gasps)

It's perfect!

(High-pitched voice) Ohh!

(Chuckles) Yes. Yes! (Laughs)

13 years, 16 weeks, and 4 days of mom and dad not getting mad at me.

My record stands.

(Mandy and Kyle chuckle)

(Clears throat) Great.

(Rips)

Yeah.

That sometimes happens.

I love kelp. (Chuckles)

(Chuckles)


(Mouth full) Mmm. Oh, my God.

The only thing that would make it better is if it was a cheeseburger.

(Laughs) And if these were onion rings instead of beet chips.

(Laughs)

Oh, come on, you guys. Be adventurous.

(Michelle and Vanessa chuckle)

Yeah. Yeah, I've always wondered what it would be like to be a rabbit running through the forest with its mouth open.

(Chuckles)

(Chuckles)

That's Outdoor Man talking.

That's right. (Chuckles)

Yeah.

You know, Michelle, I am so glad we could make this happen.

Me, too...

Yeah.

And I'm so happy everyone's just...

Trying. (Chuckles)

What do you mean by that?

Honey, kelp... put it in your mouth.

(Grunts)

(Crunching)

Tom, I understand you were a Navy S.E.A.L.

Oh, he doesn't like to talk about it.

Hell, yeah, I was! (Chuckles)

Well, here's a toast...

(Utensils clink) To the men and women that keep us free.

(Chuckles) Oh.

And... and this is what?

Cashew milk.

(Glasses clink) Wow.

Semper fi. Do or die.

Semper fi?

Um, Vanessa...

Uh...

(Whispers) Yeah.

I'm gonna use the ladies' room. Wanna come with?

Of course. Yeah.

Mm.

Yeah. Excuse us.

All right, ladies. Good.

(Chuckles) Yes.

Wow. It seems our menfolk are really getting along...

Yeah, yeah. Doesn't it? (Chuckles)

And Mike has changed. (Chuckles)

He's less...

Um... cranky?

I was gonna say "honest."

Honest. Yeah, me, too.

You know, I was mad about his app comment...

Mm-hmm.

But I'll let you in on a little secret.

(Lowered voice) That's how I get a lot of my information.

But it's how you present it.

Thank you.

Yeah.

(Both laugh)

On that final push to Baghdad, I drove that M1

18 hours straight without stopping.

Drove an M1 for 18 hours, huh?

That's a long time.

(Chuckles) You're telling me.

(Mouth full) Yeah.

I lived it.

Yeah. You know what? Would you excuse me?

I'm gonna call my daughters, see if they're all right.

Yeah. Sure.

We should hang out more often.

Yeah.

Maybe something at the learning annex.

Oh, you know what? They have a new class on pickling.

Did you know that pickling is back?

I didn't, but it doesn't shock me.

I... yeah.

(Both chuckle) Hey, guys.

Yeah.

Uh, could I talk to you privately for a minute?

It'll just take a second.

Oh, of course. Uh-huh.

Thanks.

Hey, uh...

Yeah. Hey. Yeah.

What's going on?

Um, listen, I think that guy's a liar.

I don't think he's a Navy S.E.A.L.

I think he's just full of it.

He just told me he was...

Ohh.

In an M1A1 Abrams tank for 18 hours.

It's impossible.

Look. Come on. Come on.

Maybe... maybe he drank a lot of coffee.

Maybe he peed in a jug. We don't know. We weren't there.

He wasn't there either. The S. E.A.L.S... they... they don't drive tanks around.

Even if they did... 18 hours?

Okay.

It has a short fuel window.

All right. Y... it would only be about four to six hours top speed with...

uh, wh... why do you have to know these things? Why? Why?

You know, it's against the law what he's doing.

(Sighs) Oh, yeah.

Stolen valor act.

Old red there could get six months in jail...

Okay, but...

For doing that.

Mike, listen. No, no. L... we talked about this. You don't have to say the truth all the time.

So you're... you don't. You don't, so...

you're making me pick between wife and country?

All right, so, look, look... (Sighs)

I will make it worth your while. I... (Sighs)

I will do the thing that you're always asking me to do, but I won't do it because it makes me physically sick.

You will root for Michigan over Ohio state?

Yeah.

I can't believe mom and dad are gonna take you away from me... (Sighs)

Just when I finally figured out how to move the mirrors and what that little red warning light was for.

Hey, where's dad's duffel bag?

I don't know. Why?

I'm gonna pack some stuff. I think I'm moving on.

Eve, what are you talking about?

I want mom and dad to remember me how I was... innocent, perfect, their final hope.

I'm gonna head down South, look for work.

I'll be in touch when I get settled.

(Whispers) Gosh, I'm gonna miss this place.

Shut up. You're not going anywhere.

How do you know?

Because you miss one homework assignment, you break out in hives.

Oh. Dad gave us homework. We're supposed to read this drug literature. Yeah, I wouldn't sweat it.

It's mostly just cartoons and a bunch of stickers.

I just got a great idea.

Sadness makes my eyes sparkle.

What?

So there I was, limping through the streets of Baghdad, dragging my wounded leg, sniper fire everywhere.

We barely made it out alive.

Unbelievable.

Yeah, she said it.

Was the longest night of my life.

I know just what you mean.

Then they got me on a bird and medevaced me out of there at first light.

(Sighs) Then I had four months of pretty intense physical therapy. (Vanessa) Mm.

Yeah? Where'd you do your physical therapy?

Doesn't matter. Leave it.

Just leave it. Oh, no. Let him talk.

It was back at home base. Fort Douglas.

In Utah?

You know, honey, it's getting late.

We should, uh, we should get going.

No, you know...

(Michelle) Oh.

Yeah.

We got plenty more war stories.

We gotta honor our soldiers, honey.

No, Vanessa's right. I gotta get up early tomorrow.

Well, I guess we'll see you two at the party.

(Whispers) Tom, no.

There... there's a party?

Great. What, uh, what can we bring?

Oh, yeah. It's not really a party.

Uh, it's just a few close friends.

Will the Wongs be there?

Uh...

The Kanes?

Uh...

The Kopelmans?

Uh... Seriously?

But... (Sighs) I don't understand.

May I speak freely? Please.

The Kopelmans don't like you.

So... pssh, don't invite the Kopelmans...

(Chuckles) Right?

(Chuckles) It's complicated.

We're very close with them.

I guess it's not that complicated.

I see. I see. Uh, well, no, I-I understand.

(Whispering) Yeah.

Just, uh, no hard feelings. (Chuckles)

(Whispers) No.

(Inhales deeply and sighs)

Mike... do it.

You're not a Navy S.E.A.L.

(Chuckles) Ohh.

That is the first full breath I've had all night.

Not a Navy S.E.A.L.? Of course he is. No. Not a Navy S.E.A.L.

He doesn't know what he's talking about.

You don't know what you're talking about.

Fort Douglas... that's an army base.

It was closed 20 years ago.

Semper fi... that's from the marine corps, as I recall.

M1 tank doesn't have an 18-hour range.

You don't know anything about what you're talking... plus I don't think the S.E.A.L.s use self-Tanner, do they?

Night, folks.

Come on.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

And she gets all her weather information from a free phone app.

It's true.

I cannot believe I said that to her.

I mean, that could ruin her career. Just...

But it felt good.

(Whispers) Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

(Chuckles, normal voice) It really did. Yeah. Oh.

You know, I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I know I'm supposed to be the civilized part of this couple.

You don't need to apologize for being...

I just... (Sighs)

More like me.

You know, honey, we are gonna grow old alone together, just you and I.

Promise?

Yeah.

Mm.

Ohh.

I gotta eat somethin' cooked.

Mm.

I swear I do.

(Gasps) Wow. Look at that.

Interesting.

Yeah. Oh, Mike, we've got some good girls.

Yeah, we've got some good girls.

Yeah. They're just... they're gonna grow up, go out in the world, and do just fine.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think they pulled a dent out and the paint popped off.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that makes more sense.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Ohh. What should we do about it?

Nothing.

Mandy's got to drive to school with this sign on there.

That's punishment enough.