02x17 - The Fight

[bunniefuu]

Mike... so I'm looking at Mandy's progress report.

If she doesn't get at least a "B" on her term paper, she's gonna fail history.

You know what they say.

Those who can't pass history are doomed to repeat it.

Hmm.

There's no repeating it.

If she doesn't pass, she won't graduate.

Oh, boy.

Yep.

Then we'd miss the valedictorian's speech.

How will we ever find out how Webster's defines success?

(Chuckles)

I'll give you one guess as to why Mandy is so distracted.

Girl, did you see Chloe's tweet?

Hilarious!

Mandy, honey, we need to talk to you.

I know. I'm gonna retweet it and then post it to Facebook, so be sure to "like" it and then "LOL" It there.

Mandy.

Mandy.

Yeah.

(Laughs) Oh, my God.

Go over there. Tell her to hang up.

I'll videotape it, post it on YouTube.

One of her friends is bound to see it and tweet her.

(Speaks indistinctly)

Whoa! Oh, my--aah!

Where did you guys come from? That was like a magic trick.

You are spending way too much time on the computer.

Oh, Mom. You can't spend too much time on a computer.

Yeah. Mm.

You're thinking about a tanning bed.

We're taking away all your devices until you get your history grade up past a "B" so you'll pass the damn class.

You--you can't take away my devices!

Mike: Right here.

It's how people of my generation communicate and exchange ideas, and totes adorbs cat pics. (lmitates cat meowing)

The sooner you finish your paper, the sooner you'll get them back.

Ugh! I'm having so many feelings right now.

But if I can't tweet about them, am I even really having them?

Think about that.

(Door opens and closes)

Hey, Mandy, how's it going?

I have no way of knowing.

Mommy!

Hey, sweetie. Oh, I missed you.

Did you have fun staying your daddy's?

Yeah, we watched cartoons until midnight!

Oh.

Yeah.

Probably shouldn't have given him all that coffee ice cream last night.

Although a big cup of it this morning sure got him out of bed.

Did he at least get his homework done?

He's in kindergarten, Kris. And what is the big rush to turn him into some sort of corporate worker drone?

I'm actually morally opposed to making a 5-year-old do homework.

He didn't wanna do it, huh?

No.

And you didn't wanna deal with the tantrum, so like everything else, I get stuck cracking the whip, and you get to be "Fun Dad."

Well, looks like I'm getting the tantrum after all, so...

Hey. You know, I would like to be fun once in a while.

Yeah. It's great. You should try it.

I gotta get to work. Mwah.

Why do I have the feeling that when I leave, you're gonna say, "She's gone," and a big party's gonna break out?

No more "Fun Dad." I got it.

(TV playing indistinctly)

Okay, good. She's gone.

So, buddy, you remember how I told you I'm gonna pull you out of school tomorrow for the baseball game?

Opening day!

Yeah. Okay. Shh.

We're gonna have to make that a "D.T.M." --

"Don't Tell Mommy."

Hey, you're the one who blabbed about ice cream for breakfast.

(Cheering)

Nothing like playing hooky on opening day with your sons.

Sons?

You're skipping school to go to a baseball game.

Today you're a boy.

Hey, Boyd, after the inning, wave to Carlos Hernandez, and he'll toss you a ball.

And right before, yank out a nose hair.

It'll help to have a tear in your eye.

Hey, does looking pathetic really get you a ball?

You kidding? Dad used to bring me to games wearing an eye patch.

Till we figured out a neck brace will get you a free ball and a tour of the dugout.

Oh, here, son.

You can put your peanut shells in this box. (Shells rattle)

Never mind. B-Boyd, put 'em wherever you want.

30 bucks for parking--

I might not even get up to go to the bathroom.

(Laughs)

Well, well, if it isn't Mike Baxter.

Mr. Outdoor Man.

Hey,Bill, I thought you gave up your season tickets.

Oh, no, that's the only thing I kept in the divorce.

No wife, no house. I'm kinda an outdoor man myself now.

(Slaps back)

Easy. That's trademarked.

You know, I took a hit when you pulled that mall job from me.

At least now I found out my wife only married me for my money!

So... thanks for that, buddy.

Hey, Bill, what do you say we take it easy and just enjoy the game, huh?

Hey, little guy.

Do you know why the mascot is a T. Rex?

'Cause your grandpa stabbed him in the back!

That makes sense, doesn't it?

Bill, you got something to say, say it to my face.

Well, then turn around and bend over.

(Laughs)

I'm saying that your grandfather's face is his butt.

He's 5 years old, butt jokes are his bread and butter.

Mike, don't let him rile you up, okay?

Hey, Boyd, here comes Carlos Hernandez.

I can't find any hairs.

Okay. Yell what I told you to.

Hey, Mr. Hernandez!

I tragically only have two weeks to live!

(Coughs)

(Laughs)

Hey. Hey, that was for my nephew.

Yeah. It looked like it was going to the kid, and then somebody just took it away from him.

Kinda like the mall job.

Bill, give the kid the ball.

I don't think so, Mike.

Are we gonna go there?

Sir, whatever happened between you and Mr. Baxter, please don't take it out on my kid. Come on. (Sighs)

Got five seconds to give him the ball.

Or what?!

Ooh!

Grandpa!

(Scoffs)

(Boyd) Mommy!

Hey, there you are.

Hey.

How was it?

(Door closes)

Grandma, I got a ball.

Wow. Look at that.

Oh, that's great.

Yeah. Ryan, why does he smell like a brewery?

This obnoxious drunk spilled his beer on Boyd and then got a fistful of "Don't mess with our family."

Boo-yah! Right in the face.

Mike? Honey.

Mike: Huh?

You hit a stranger?

No, no, no. Bill MckEndree.

No?

A friend? Honey!

You don't go around punching people.

I didn't punch him. Ryan did.

Ryan?

Ryan?

Yeah. On this day, my fourth daughter became a man.

Okay, you got into a fight at a ball game?

Look, this guy got in Boyd's face.

And I tried to move him away, and he shoved me, and I had no choice.

So I punched him.

You had no choice?

Mr. McKendree's really hit the skids.

And then he hit the ground, thanks to Sugar Ray Vogelson here.

Okay, you won't let Boyd watch "Tom and Jerry" because it's violent, but punching people is fine?

First off, "Tom and Jerry" is objectionable because it perpetuates cat stereotypes.

What?

What?

Look, I was right to hit this guy.

He was out of control.

So Boyd learned that v*olence is the way to settle disputes?

Oh, look, the only thing that Boyd might have learned today is that if you push his old man too far, you're putting your physical health in substantial... peril.

You're, like, terrible at this.

Honey, why didn't you just call security?

It happened so fast, and sometimes the only way to deal with a bully is pop 'em in the nose.

Although, ideally, without shaking your hand afterwards, saying, "Ouch, ow! Owie! Owie! Ow!"

(Phone rings)

(Ring)

Is that a phone?

Yeah, it's called a landline. (Ring)

(Gasps) I forgot that we have that.

Dad, it's probably for me. (Ring)

You can't talk to anybody on the phone till you bring your history grade up.

Oh! Mom, please. I beg of you.

Vanessa: No, no. No.

You have to tell me where you hid my computer.

How else am I supposed to download--

I mean, write a term paper, huh?

Honey, the lnternet will still be there when you're done, and frat boys will still be choking on cinnamon, and kitties will still "Wants to has cheezburgers."

They'd better.

So you really don't see anything wrong with what you did today?

No. A drunk learned a lesson, and Boyd got a ball.

And I got on the Jumbotron.

Everyone got to enjoy the game.

What's the downside?

That was the Denver police on the phone.

Ah. I bet they know what the downside is.

(Sighs and whimpers)

Laptoppy? Where are you?

Mandy?

What?

Looking for something?

Just checking on my pie.

Nope, still not in there. (Closes oven door)

Wow, she is really jonesing for her phone and laptop.

Yeah, I feel sorry for her.

(Sighs)

Now I want pie.

(Closes oven door)

Yeah, I knew it was a long sh*t.

Honey, is this police thing serious?

I mean, should we be getting Ryan a lawyer?

No, no, no, they called to see if he would make an appointment to go see him.

(Scoffs) It's not like they're kicking the door down, pepper-spraying him, and hitting him like he's a piñata.

You sound disappointed.

I am. You pay the police salaries, you expect a certain level of service.

He didn't do anything wrong.

He was just protecting his family, honey.

So you're proud of him.

Damn right I'm proud of him.

You are.

Now I'm not worried about him leaving the house with my daughter and my grandson, I'll tell you that.

Yeah, well, I don't want him to end up being the kind of guy that gets into fights all the time.

This is the first time in 23 years the kid's made a fist.

Unless, of course, you count him looking at his nails.

Right.

I mean, come on. The guy--he lost control.

He didn't lose any control.

He did. He so lost control.

He set a boundary.

That's how you build a polite society...

Mm-hmm.

Through v*olence.

(Singsongy) Laptoppy?

(Switch clicks)

Laptoppy?

Smartphoney?

Where are you?

Yes! A computer!

Damn it. The monitor's missing.

(Ed over radio) KA0XTT, this is WB0ASQ, Papa Yankee Eight.

(Radio chatter)

Hello?

Who's there?

(Static crackles)

Mike, do you read me?

Kyle: Hey, Mr. Alzate, this is Kyle, KD0XCS.

Kyle!

Kyle! Kyle!

Yeah, uh, where's Mike?

Uh, uh, he's not in the office, sir.

How's the rain forest?

Were you able to use that Amazon gift card I got you?

No. Uh... that's a different Amazon, son.

Kyle, Kyle, can you hear me? Kyle?

Tell Mike I'm really bonding with one of the local tribes.

They just stabbed me with a fork covered with frog venom.

(Static whines) This is part of a tribal ceremony to make me a better hunter, you see?

Wow, I'm suddenly... feeling rather weird here.

Well, either that--that venom has--has psychedelic properties, or those spider monkeys outside are actually--actually singing side two of "Abbey Road."

I gotta go.

(Switch clicks)

Kyle, can you hear me? Kyle?

Wow, Mr. Alzate, when-- when you're on frog venom, you sound just like Mandy.

Say something she would say.

(Switch clicks) Kyle, it's me, Mandy!

(Laughs)

That's unbelievable.

(Clicks switch)

No, seriously, I-it's me.

Listen, I've been so desperate to talk to you.

(Clicks switch)

Oh, Mandy, I was worried. I didn't hear from you.

You didn't return any of my texts.

(Clicks switch)

I know. I'm sorry.

My parents took away my phone and my computer.

Oh. I thought you dumped me. I was so bummed.

My--my roommate set me up with his sister tonight.

She's sweet, but she looks disturbingly like my roommate in a dress.

(Man) Be careful, Kyle.

I made that mistake once.

By the time I figured it out, I was too revved up to hit the brakes.

I'm sorry. Who's talking?

Well, I'm Walter.

Whiskey, Four, Uniform, Uniform, Echo, from Lehigh Acres, Florida.

(Woman) Mandy, you can do better than this Kyle fellow.

He sounds short.

(Clicks switch)

He's not short.

I am not short.

Who are you people?

(Clicks switch) Mandy, that's how ham radio works.

Right now there could be hundreds of people all over the world listening to every word you say.

(Clicks switch)

Really?

So basically, it's exactly like Twitter but more advanced because you don't even have to type!

(Gasps) This is the greatest thing to ever happen to me.

(Clicks switch)

I'm really sorry, Miss Clevenger, about Boyd missing school yesterday.

It's not just that.

Today Boyd drew these pictures in class.

Here's Boyd smiling.

Oh.

And here's you smiling.

And here's his father b*ating the crap out of someone...

And smiling.

Wow.

That is a lot of blood.

He used the entire red crayon.

Is there anything the school should be aware of involving Boyd's father?

Hi. Sorry. I rushed over here as soon as I could.

Ah, I'd shake your hand, but I was just getting fingerprinted down at the police station, so...

Cops, right?

Uh, Boyd drew this picture of you hitting that guy.

That's a good likeness, buddy.

This one's gonna go right on the fridge.

So... This actually happened?

Oh, yeah, well, there was this idiot at the ball game, so I had to straighten him out.

I mean, there wasn't this much blood, but, you know, kids, right?

Uh, Miss Clevenger is concerned.

Oh, yeah, there's nothing to worry about.

We, uh, we won't be hearing from that guy anytime soon.

Mr. Vogelson, Boyd seems to view you as violent and scary.

What? No. That's-- that's crazy.

Boyd, come here. Daddy needs to talk to you.

If I don't, are you gonna punch me?

No, of course not.

I'm sorry.

Boyd, you're not scared of me.

Okay, I'm not scared of you.

Good, then come give me a hug.

That's the best we can do.

We're, uh... Scandinavian.

I'm just gonna keep these on file.

(Woman) And then he picked up the check for our meal.

If he pays for dinner, he's a winner.

(Clicks switch)

♪mandy-ism.

Oh, um, you can put that out there on the ham-isphere.

Feel free to re-ham that one. (Clicks switch)

Then after dinner, we took a lovely stroll through the cemetery, and we made out on his wife's grave.

(Elderly man) Does that count as a threesome?

(Laughs) LOL. Is that right, Mandy?

LOL?

Uh, wow, Mandy, this is really... fun.

Uh...

But I was wondering when I could see you in private.

After she finishes her history paper, Kyle.

(Clicks switch) Guys, I'm seriously never going to finish this paper.

I know nothing about World w*r II. (Clicks switch)

(Walter) I know a little bit. I was on the beach in Omaha.

(Clicks switch) That's great, Walter, but my paper's on the w*r, not on your Nebraska vacation.

(Clicks switch)

(Elderly woman) I remember the w*r like it was yesterday.

In fact, a lot better than yesterday.

I'm in the early stages of dementia.

I might be able to help you with your paper, too, Mandy.

Really, Mr. Alzate? (Birds calling)

Yeah, I met a fellow down here in Brazil with lots of fantastic w*r stories.

He's 92, bitter, and speaks with a German accent.

You do the math.

Hey.

Hey!

Hey! Hi, sweetie. Mwah.

(Door closes)

Ryan, things getting any better with Boyd?

No. He's still terrified of me.

Vanessa: Aw.

It's just gonna take some time, okay?

He'll get over it. (Pats shoulder)

I'm sorry, Ryan.

Don't be sorry.

He's got Boyd right where he wants him.

No, he doesn't.

Honey, parents want love and trust from their children, not fear.

Ah, I kinda want it all.

Mike, I don't want Boyd to obey me because he's scared of me.

I should never have hit McKendree.

Let's not go crazy here. You finally grew a pair.

Punching that guy was the coolest thing you've ever done.

You know, admittedly, you've set the bar kinda low.

No, don't listen to him, Ryan.

It takes a big man to admit he's wrong.

Takes a big man to hit a bigger man.

No, I'm gonna take Boyd to the next game, and he can see me apologize to McKendree.

Good.

Boy, as soon as they drop, they scurry right back up inside him.

Boyd, turn off the cartoons and go wash up for dinner.

(Cartoon playing on TV)

I don't want to.

Boyd, listen to your mom.

Sorry, sorry, sorry!

(Footsteps depart rapidly)

Now what parent wouldn't want that?

Huh? I should deck somebody in front of Mandy.

Honey, you'll be the fun parent again soon, okay?

I promise.

(Sighs)

Hey, Boyd, can I give you a hand there?

Thanks, Grandpa.

Use a little more hot water.

It's so cold, huh? Lather up a little bit.

Why do I have to wash my hands so much?

Why do you have to pick your nose so much?

(Chuckles)

Soap protects your hands from germs, like your dad protects you from everything else.

My dad can be pretty scary.

Your dad's not scary.

His left wing policies-- they're scary.

But that's just 'cause he's a foot soldier for George Soros.

(Turns off faucet)

I don't understand that.

I don't either.

Listen, the reason your dad hit that bad guy at the baseball game is he just didn't want that bad guy to hurt you.

That's what that was all about.

So he only hits bad people?

He only hurts bad people when they might be hurting you.

Your dad is a really nice man. He would never hurt you.

You know what I would do? I would go down and hug my dad and say, "I love you for taking care of me."

Okay.

Yeah. You're a good kid, Boyd. You really are.

Thanks, Grandpa.

You know what? You kinda gotta be a good kid.

'Cause you know what your dad's capable of.

(Organ playing)

Here we go, people.

He's back, and he could go off at any minute.

(Crowd cheering)

Okay. Okay, okay.

Regarding the incident that happened last game, frankly, it's disappointing that so many of you found that entertaining.

(Chanting) k*ller...

(Crowd joins in chanting) k*ller! k*ller! k*ller!

Okay, could you please just knock it off?

(Crowd) Ooh!

Sorry.

Just trying to teach my son a lesson.

Well, it won't be the first time you taught someone a lesson around here, right? Huh?

(Cheering)

Hey! Look who it is! It's Mike Baxter and his goon!

(Slurring) Nice sucker punch, goon.

Great. He's drunk again.

Great. He's drunk again.

(Normal voice) Oh, no, guys, guys.

I-I was just messing with you.

I have not had a drink since opening day.

Mike, ah, I owe you and your whole family an apology.

I am so sorry.

I-I hope you can forgive me.

You gonna take this crap from him?

Shh.

Yeah, and I'm gonna drop the as*ault charges.

Well, thank you, Mr. McKendree, but honestly, I'm the one who should be apologizing to you.

Why? I was a huge jerk.

But I still shouldn't have hit you.

That was not the right thing to do.

Are you kidding me?

You knocked me sober. I owe you, man.

I should have handled it more peacefully.

You handled it exactly right.

Will you please just let me apologize?!

Crowd: Ooh.

Okay, okay.

Sorry. I'm just trying to teach my son something.

You taught your son a great lesson.

Boyd, if you hit somebody hard enough, they turn into a better person.

That's not the lesson, Mike.

Hey. Whoa-ho-ho-ho!

There's that temper, folks.

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Eve. Eve...

(Crowd chanting) Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Okay, okay, okay. Boyd, come on. We're outta here.

No, no. Come on, come on.

Stay. Stay.

No.

Enjoy the game.

Sorry to disappoint all of you.

There'll be no punching, you bloodthirsty...

Jackals! (Smack)

(Crowd gasps and murmurs)

(Cheering)

Hold on a minute, let me see if I can't get that appointment with the police station.

Mandy, honey, this paper you wrote is really good.

All these personal accounts of people who lived through the w*r.

Mm-hmm.

You know, I especially like this guy Walter who landed on Omaha Beach.

Which is in France, not Nebraska, as many people mistakenly believe.

Okay. See how much easier it is to focus when you're not wasting all your time chatting with your friends?

Yeah, Mom, that's exactly what I learned from this entire experience. (Laughs)

Here. I will get your computer, and you can type this up.

Oh, no, that's okay. I actually already typed it up on that keyboard I found in the basement.

So... just waiting for it to print.

It's taking forever, though.