04x15 - Big Brother

[bunniefuu]

Nothing like a cozy nightcap by the fire, huh?

What happened to actual nightcaps?

People just don't dress for bed anymore.

Well...(Chuckles)

Well, you do your part by wearing socks.

Or once, you tried that thing with the, uh, with the bow tie.

Oh, that was my homage to the Chippendale dancers.

Ah.

Well, Chippendale dancers wear it on their neck.

(Chuckles)

(Sneezes)

Ooh. Oh.

(Sniffles)

You coming down with something?

Mnh-mnh.

Can I get you anything, like a... motel room?

No. (Chuckles)

It's allergies. That's all.

Yeah?

Yeah.

You know, I want to tell you about this teaching seminar I went to today...

"the secret of a successful blended classroom."

(Sneezes)

Honey, honey.

(Sneezes)

Hey, you know what? Maybe you're allergic to boring conversation.

No, it's something in the yard.

Where you going?

I'm gonna go inside, honey.

Oh, come on.

Honey, I'll tell you the story later.

(Sneezes)

Don't tax yourself.

You might have to drive to a motel.

Yo, yo, yo.

Ho. Hey, Garfield. There's no lasagna up here.

Go, go, go. Go.

(Sneezing)

Boo! Oh!

(Laughs)

Oh, God.

Honey, why did you do that?

Oh, I was trying to scare you so you'd stop.

That's hiccups.

No, those were definitely sneezes.

Hey, hon, I think I figured out why you're doing all this sneezing, who left the surprises in Boyd's sandbox, and why we have orange hair all over the lawn furniture.

Oh, my God. We have clowns?

No, we have a cat.

I sprayed for clowns.

Well, that makes sense. I'm extremely allergic to cats.

Well, just say the word, and I'll send Fluffy packing with my airsoft r*fle.

Uh, no one is sh**ting at a cat.

You know the rules. We don't sh**t animals that have collars.

That's how Yogi Bear has lasted so long.

Well, suit yourself, but it worked with the Swanson kid when he kept pooping in our sandbox.

You know, I'm pretty sure I've seen Carol Larabee feeding a big orange cat.

You want to go ask Chuck?

Why don't you go ask Chuck?

No. I don't want to strain things with the neighbors.

I know. That's more my thing.

I'll call him in the morning.

Oh, you know what... I want to tell you about that instructional seminar I attended...

I'll call him right now.

(Cellphone ringing)

(Groans)

Hey, Baxter.

Hey, Chuck, man.

I hate to bother you while you're watching "Arsenio."

(Sighs)

"Arsenio's" off the air, but I am watching an all-black show.

It's called "sports."

What can I do for you?

Listen, I got a little trouble with orange cat hair all over my outdoor furniture.

You know anything about this?

Yeah... if you don't have a lint roller, wrap some tape around your hand sticky-side-out.

All right, thanks. I'll just sh**t the cat. Good night.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

It sounds like you're talking about Tigger.

When did you get a cat?

We didn't.

He used to belong to the Pettigrews down the street, but they left him behind when they moved.

Pettigrew moved?

Uh-huh.

He's got my rake!

Not anymore. I bought it at his yard sale.

Carol felt sorry for Tigger getting abandoned, so we started feeding him.

Well, then, it's your cat.

You feed it. You own it.

Oh, in that case, I bought you lunch last week, and I got a lot of yard work to do.

I'll even let you use my good rake.

Why don't you keep that thing indoors?

It's starting to bother my wife's allergies.

Oh, I can't do that.

I got this huge German Shepherd, and... and she's terrified of cats.

(Barks)

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Besides, you know, the whole neighborhood feeds Tigger.

He... he's a neighborhood cat.

Yeah, the whole neighborhood's become that cat's litter box.

Look, this is just one more example of you people not accepting responsibility.

And what people are those, Baxter?

You gonna make me say it?

Yes.

Cat people!

(Knock on door)

How about some lunch, Mikey?

All right.

All right, how about the Indian place?

Or we could save time and just order diarrhea.

You have something on your shoe.

Oh, damn it!

I stepped on a glob of gum.

Oh, man. Look at that.

And it's the... it's the coupon for the Indian place.

(Mutters angrily)

Adios, tikka masala, right?

I mean, come on, now. What's wrong with people, Mike?

People just spit out their gum willy-nilly and expect someone else to clean up their mess?

You know what that is?

(Sniffs) I'll go with wintergreen.

It's people not accepting responsibility for what they do.

It's what my vlog is about. Watch this.

Hey, Mike Baxter here with a word on cats.

(Hisses)

That's the wrong one. That's about cats, Mike.

Just watch the rest of it. Here.

Listen, those of you who have cats, learn a little responsibility.

Start with spaying or neutering them.

Or, better yet, have a veterinarian do that.

And keep the little predator in the house.

If you let them wander around outside, we all got a cat.

If you don't take care of your own stuff, then society has to do it.

"Hey, I'm done with this couch.

"I'll just leave it here on the street corner. Somebody will use it."

You know who? Cats.

It's still about cats, Mikey.

Keep watching.

What's worse than abandoning a sofa?

Abandoning a human being.

We actually have a law in this state that if you have a baby, you get three days to decide if it's a keeper.

That's right... there's a lemon law for babies.

If you decide it cries too much or clashes with the drapes, you can just drop it off at your local fire station.

So you, me, and everybody but their parents ends up taking care of them.

Now, sure, there have been a few abandoned babies who have turned out okay.

I'm thinking about superman and Moses.

But with this kind of safety net, you're practically begging folks to be irresponsible.

You know, it shouldn't be easier to dispose of a child than to dispose of used motor oil.

Plus, you're distracting firemen from their more important duties... posing shirtless for calendars.

And listen, folks, a beefcake photo sh**t is no place to raise a baby.

What'd you think?

It's another bull's-eye, Mikey.

Once you get past all that cat crap.

People just need to step up and take responsibility for their own messes, that's all.

I know. You... Ed, Ed.

Yes. What?

You gonna pick this up?

Somebody else will take care of that. Don't worry.

I'm gonna miss you so, so much, Kyle.

And I'm gonna miss you so, so, so much, Mandy.

I'm gonna miss you so, so, so, so, so...

Stop!!

This always ends with confusion and counting on fingers.

Have a wonderful time in Vegas, Kyle.

All right, thanks.

Okay, I better get going.

I don't have an assigned seat on the plane, and I want to make sure I get a middle one.

Okay.

Hey, have an awesome time, okay?

And, um, remember what we agreed to.

I will.

Okay.

Bye, Eve. Bye, Mrs. B.

Bye, Kyle.

Mandy, honey, uh, just out of curiosity, what did you and Kyle agree to?

Um, no bigs.

We're just taking the weekend off from being a couple.

A couple of idiots? 'Cause it's about time.

Ha ha ho!

You're giving your boyfriend a free pass at a bachelor party in Vegas?

I don't know.

I just really wanted him to be able to cut loose without feeling guilty, you know?

Isn't that great?

Well, sounds great for him.

We even came up with this cute slogan about it.

It's like, "whatever happens in Vegas stays a secret."

(Laughs)

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Relax, mom. This is Kyle in Vegas.

The only thing that's gonna happen is we'll get a panicked call every half-hour that there's a volcano erupting.

(Chuckles)

(Doorbell rings)

I'll get that.

(Clears throat)

Hey, Chuck. What's going on?

Hey, Baxter.

I'm here on security-company business.

Well, that's perfect, 'cause I want to report an unwanted visitor.

(Sighs)

Tigger has gone missing.

Oh!

Well, have you checked his known associates?

How about that weird little bear that wears no pants?

Do you two have any idea where the cat might be?

No, no.

But what was in that weird stew we (Burps) just had?

No, I-I haven't seen Tigger in a while.

Oh, yeah?

Well, um, according to your neighbors across the street, uh, he was in your yard on Wednesday, and there was an, uh... altercation.

Altercation? What... what altercation?

I think you should check with that weird Swanson kid.

You know, the one that pulls doll parts around in his wagon?

There's video. Oh.

This is the last time Tigger pettigrew was seen alive.

(Sighs)

I believe that's you, Vanessa.

Yeah, I was... I was just shooing him.

Squirting a kitty in February.

Not cool.

You may want to lawyer up.

Look, I would never, ever hurt an animal.

It... it was a warm evening, and water is a humane training technique.

Yep. That's what they said at Guantanamo, huh?

But besides the cat thing, where did you get the video of this?

Yeah, yeah. Somebody was actually filming me?

It's from one of the surveillance cameras I installed over at the Shirazis'.

The Shirazis?

We're being monitored by middle easterners?

Shouldn't it be the other way around?

The Shirazis are from Milwaukee, so technically, they're midwesterners.

And their security package includes multiple cameras, one of which happens to capture your front lawn.

Maybe I should rethink that loose robe I wear when I pick up the newspaper.

Why? Then we'd have to pay the paper boy.

A lot of your neighbors have security cameras now, so I get a pretty clear overview of what's happening on our street.

So you're snooping on all of us?

So you're not just a brother. You're big brother.

Oh, I don't like any of this.

Who... who else has seen this footage?

A lot of folks.

The whole neighborhood is worried about Tigger.

Well, maybe the whole neighborhood should take him inside.

I want you to take that camera down.

No, no. It's the Shirazis' right to protect their home.

Legally, you have no expectation of privacy in your front yard.

How would you feel if everywhere you went, people were watching you?

I'm a black man in suburbia. People are always watching me.

I like that cat. He's like the neighborhood greeter.

Always makes me feel welcome.

Well, Vanessa k*lled it.

Look, this whole Tigger thing is a nightmare.

The whole street is giving me dirty looks... except for Bob Ashby, who's giving me filthy looks, you know, 'cause of the whole loose-bathrobe thing.

Well, welcome to our surveillance culture.

We have to assume we're being recorded 24/7.

Oh, hello, NSA.

Nope, not making a b*mb here. Just some mu shu.

(Shoe) You just said "shu" and "b*mb" in the same sentence.

Prepare to be cavity-searched for the rest of your life at the airport.

For the record, he's not actually part of our family.

It's not just cameras.

They're listening to our phone calls and reading our e-mails.

2015 is now "1984."

I'd rather it was 1984. Reagan would still be president.

I could get my parachute pants on and say, "U can't touch this."

If you haven't done anything wrong, you don't have anything to worry about.

Unless you have skeletons in your closet... Cat or otherwise.

(Telephone rings)

Oh. It's Carol Larabee. Excuse me.

You know, the way I see it, Uncle Sam can flip through my e-mails all he wants if it helps him blow those !sis bastards to smoldering bits of t*rror1st goo.

Who's hungry?

Even if we hurt them, they still hurt us 'cause they make us compromise our freedom.

Ben Franklin said it best.

"Those who sacrifice liberty for security deserve neither."

Or was that Aretha Franklin?

Who's on the $100 bill?

It's not just the government snooping around.

Google takes pictures of our houses.

They keep track of what we eat at the grocery store.

I am sick and tired of the judgy looks when the Häagen-Dazs coupons come flying out of the register.

It is ice-cream coupon after ice-cream coupon after ice-cream coupon.

Sounds like Ryan's the judgy one.

It's your generation that brought this on.

You gave up your privacy to get overnight delivery and 15% off.

What's the alternative? Go off the grid?

Yeah.

We'd live up in the mountains in a house made out of old tires and ice-cream cartons.

The ice cream was for Boyd's birthday party!

Great... now Carol Larabee canceled coffee with me tomorrow.

She says she's sick, but I know it's because of that damn cat.

Or... or she's sick.

I wish.

I tell you, if this whole thing doesn't blow over, I'm just gonna move away, start a whole new life.

You could just stand in the driveway with your thumb out in that bathrobe.

I'm sure Bob Ashby would take you anywhere you wanted to go.

Oh! Oh, there he is!

There he is! He's alive!

It's Tigger! Look, look, look, look!

Eve: Where? Where?

He was... he was right there.

I saw him. Come on, you saw him, too, right?

No.

He was right there.

Girls, just tell your mom you saw the cat.

You know what she's capable of.

Hey, hon.

Has the mail come yet?

I'm running a little low on bathroom literature.

Check it for yourself.

Whoa.

Somebody went postal on our mailbox?

Yeah.

Somebody knocked it off the post last night.

You know, honey, I think one of the neighbors is trying to send me a message.

Send you a message over a missing cat?

Look, the neighborhood hostility toward me is just getting worse.

Okay, Mrs. Conroy, that old lady who wears all those weird cat sweatshirts...

Yeah... Just brought over these brownies.

I'm afraid to try them. Tell me if they smell weird.

That's ridiculous.

I'm not gonna live in fear of baked goods. It's just brownies.

Have the girls try them.

But not Eve.

(Chuckles)

I just would feel better if I knew who knocked down that mailbox.

Wait a minute.

I got an idea.

Unfortunately, it involves making nice with Larabee.

Give me the brownies.

(Doorbell rings)

Ah. Hello, Baxter.

Hey, Chuck.

Brought you a little thing for, uh... Black history month.

Brownies.

Very clever.

You know, there's a fine line between offensive and clever, and I think I walk it pretty well.

Not as well as you think.

So, you still worked up about the cameras?

No, no, no. Actually...

I need a little favor with the cameras.

Someone ran into my mailbox last night, and I'd like to see if you got any footage of it.

Well, well, well.

First, I'm big brother. Now I'm the belle of the ball.

(Chuckles) That must have been some butt-ugly ball if you...

Can I just see the footage?

Fine. All right.

But just because I care about neighborhood security and I know the brownies are your way of apologizing.

Yeah, you got me.

So, where's the command center?

Right here.

Yeah!

Every 8-year-old in town has a command center just like this.

Uh-huh.

The Shirazi feed from last night.

After 12:00 midnight.

Okay.

Here we go.

Looks like a Prius hybrid pulls up at 1:02 A.M.

Yeah, just 'cause it saves gas, they think they're above the law, huh?

Mm-hmm.

But he didn't hit your mailbox.

Ooh. Looks like Mr. Prius is hitting something.

(Both chuckle)

My daughter, Mandy.

Oh. Uh... Yeah.

And that wasn't Kyle, was it?

No, it wasn't.

But we still don't know who hit your mailbox.

Uh, isn't that Mrs. Conroy in the cat sweater?

Yep. There she is. She's down the str...

Whoa!

Whoa! Oh!

Man.

Oooh!

Oh!

You may not want to eat that brownie.

Mike, you are absolutely sure you saw them kiss?

I mean, this isn't like the time you swore you saw Nancy Pelosi rifling through a dumpster, is it?

Pelosi never denied that.

And yes, I recognize our daughter.

It was her in the car kissing some dude.

This is why she was so eager to give Kyle the weekend off from their relationship.

She's living it up in our driveway, and that poor guy is stuck at a bachelor party in Vegas.

You know what I'm eager to do? Forget about this whole thing.

Mandy has to be honest with Kyle.

Honey, we need to talk to her.

No. We need to stay out of this.

If she is over Kyle, she needs to tell him.

No, she doesn't.

She...

Maybe she's moved on to a guy with more of a future.

What?!

She couldn't swing a dead cat without hitting a guy with more of a future.

We could test it out if we knew where you buried Tigger.

Oh! You know what?

You keep it up, and you might just join him.

I just think there's certain things that should remain private.

Like that.

Hi, Kyle. Welcome back.

I've been counting the minutes since you left, which has been very hard for me because it's math.

I wish you could have come. I saw this amazing show.

Yeah?

The dancers only had on tiaras.

Whoa.

But it didn't seem wrong, 'cause they were poodles.

(Laughing) Oh!

Well, those poodles are somebody's daughters.

You, uh, you get in any trouble in Vegas, Kyle?

Well, my cousin and his buddies went a little wild, but why go to clubs when you can watch fancy dogs crush a conga line?

Well, I didn't do anything while you were gone, except for miss you.

Kyle, will you be a dear and get me a soda out of the fridge in the garage?

Yeah, okay.

(Dear) Uh, for the record, a deer could never fetch a soda.

What you need around here are some poodles.

Honey...

Hmm?

I-if you're having second thoughts about Kyle, you need to be honest with him.

What?

Well, your dad saw you kiss that guy in the Prius.

Oh, my God. You were looking out the window, spying on me?

No!

I was watching a surveillance camera at Larabee's house.

Seriously, dad, this is so none of your business.

Right... wasn't.

But... cat's out of the bag now.

Oh, God!

It's just an expression.

There's so many of them.

Mandy. Honey, wait a minute.

No. You know what? It's so unfair that I live here.

My friends on campus get away with way worse stuff, and their parents never have to know about it.

I want to be one of those kind of parents.

All right. You know what, sweetie?

It's not the worst thing in the world, okay?

You're not married, y-you're not engaged, and it was just a kiss.

Right? It was... was just a kiss, right?

Here you are.

Ah. Kyle. Uh, you know what?

I-I actually wanted a cream soda.

Uh, I think there's one in the fridge way, way, way in the back.

Oh. Wish you'd told me.

I'm not a mind reader.

Unlike that bulldog with the crystal ball.

Mandy, honey, what is going on?

Nothing.

Mandy, come on.

Okay.

There was this fashion exhibit at the art museum, and this guy in my class asked me out, and I-I figured that one date couldn't hurt, especially if Kyle was getting the same deal.

I was just... curious.

Curious, huh?

You know what they say curiosity k*lled?

I ended up thinking about Kyle the whole time anyway, even when that dude was kissing me.

Well, you went out with a guy from the fashion class.

He was probably thinking about Kyle, too.

But that guy, he doesn't mean anything to me.

I just hope that I haven't screwed everything up.

All right, well, I think we all know what you need to do.

Yeah, I do. I have to tell him.

Absolutely.

Absolutely not.

Oh. Oh. No, I know.

You don't know anything.

What are you telling... no, yeah, no.

Your idea is to pretend it never happened and just forget about it... is that it?

What's the good of her telling him?

Makes her feel better and he feels horrible.

He's a depressed guy walking around my store.

We have g*ns there.

Dad, if I don't tell Kyle, I'm gonna feel horrible.

Well, maybe you should.

Hey, Mrs. B. I couldn't find a cream soda.

Yeah, uh, don't worry.

It's, uh, it's time for wine anyway.

Kyle, I need to tell you something.

Yeah, what is it?

Um...

(Chuckles)

I love you.

Don't ever go away again.

(Both chuckle)

Well, I'm not going back to Vegas anytime soon.

Good.

Oh, and I, uh, lost that 20 bucks you asked me to bet for you.

Don't worry about it. The house always wins.

Oh, no, I-I didn't lose it like that.

I dropped it running for my life.

What?

Yeah, I'm going in this casino...

A volcano erupted.

Yeah, I grabbed a couple little kids and took off.