05x05 - The Road Less Driven

[bunniefuu]

Vanessa: Ready for your big birthday surprise?

Blindfolded?

This could be anything from a b*llet to the head to that amazing Coke/Pepsi taste test.

Well, we don't have any soda, so good luck.

You know, the best part about this birthday, I don't have to be around my horrible, annoying children.

Right here.

Love you too, Dad.

Hurtful.

Yeah.

You needed to hear it.

So, how's it feel to be a year older?

My eyesight's going.

All: Surprise!

[ Horns blowing ]

Happy birthday!

427, a big block '67 Impala!

How did you pay for this?

I used the money Aunt Doris left me when she d*ed.

Well, now I feel bad for napping during that funeral.

Well, I wanted to get you a bazooka, but, apparently, there are laws.

So, you had the same car, right?

So you were an old man even when you were young.

Yeah, your dad had a hard time giving that up.

But once we got pregnant with Kristin, he sold it so we could get a bigger apartment.

Wow, so that explains that look you give me from time to time.

And I'm still not sure I made the right decision.

Mwah.

You know, the guy we bought it from was so excited to sell it to Outdoor Man.

Oh, you know what? He said it might need a little work.

The, um, the something-something is something.

Very common with '67 Impalas.

Your present is from all of us, because we know how much you love working on cars.

Yeah, we don't get it, but we know it.

You guys love me so much.

This is the best birthday gift ever.

And it's another way for me to avoid spending time with you.

Come here, beautiful.

Happy birthday to me.

You guys still here?

Yeah.

Happy birthday! Happy birthday!

Hey, birthday boy.

You, uh, want some company?

No, thanks.

What you working on?

Better hints.

I'm just replacing the spark plugs.

Oh. Why? Did they lose their spark?

Just looking for a little Mike time.

Yeah.

Well, what about some Mike and Vanessa time, huh?

Remember how fun that was?

You working on the car, us talking.

I think if you remember, it wasn't us talking.

Okay, okay, I get it.

I'll just peel out of here.

[ Laughs ]

Eve: Hey, Dad!

Um, the guy who sold Mom the car is here.

Just tell him I'm not here, please.

Too late! He heard you!

Outdoor Man, that wife of yours is one shrewd negotiator.

I opened with a high price, and she countered with "okay."

That's how I got her to marry me.

I'm Joe.

Joe, Mike Baxter. Nice to meet you.

You don't have to tell me. I've seen your vlogs.

How can you stand in front of a camera and -- and be funny like that?

A team of great writers.

I'm just kidding. It's all me.

So, what'd you bring me?

Oh, I brought you some spare parts, and I brought you a commuter mug.

Hey, listen, I prefer no eating or drinking in the car, okay?

It's an Impala.

It's not a diner.

I appreciate the advice. Thanks for stopping by, man.

Yeah, I mean, since I'm here, I could show you some stuff on the car.

I've got a lot of spare time. I recently retired... For the second time.

That's a great story.

Kind of a closer, actually.

So, I really appreciate it.

Appreciate the offer, though.

I'm just saying, I'm a mechanic.

You sell fishing poles.

I also sell handguns and amm*nit*on.

I have a whole bunch in the house.

You're a fishing-pole salesman and a comedian.

You know, if you walked into a bar with a priest and a rabbi, you could be your own joke.

Come on. Should we get to work?

You know, I appreciate the offer, but I'm the kind of guy who doesn't like other guys messing with my tools.

No apology necessary.

I am exactly the same way.

Let's get to work.

Aw, man. She's a beautiful car, Mike.

Oh, now, that's a birthday gift.

My last birthday, Carol gave me a blood-pressure cuff.

That's actually understandable given that your blood type is gravy.

That is a nice-looking vehicle, Mike.

I still don't get that whole old-car thing.

You said you had a '65 'vette.

I did -- in 1965.

Pretty cool. You know your way around a car.

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

I paid my way through college working in a speed shop.

You mean a chop shop.

We weren't selling stolen cars. We were selling speed.

Wait, that didn't come out right.

So, um, you -- you -- you had an Impala just like that one?

Very similar, but mine had the original transmission.

I had the M22 in mine.

The Rock Crusher.

Yeah.

More old-car talk.

Good. I need a nap.

Rock Crusher.

That was a kick-ass transmission.

Loud as hell.

Yeah, and if that car had the original tr*nny, it would be worth a lot more money, I'll tell you that.

Yeah, well, she's a great car, Mike.

Yeah, it is.

Did it come with any extras?

Oh, yeah.

Got a big cardboard box, a "Tonight Show" mug, and a guy.

Boom!

Just scored tickets to the Scorch Music Festival in Santa Fe.

Gonna be a lot of this and even some of this!

Mom's never gonna let you go to an overnight concert alone.

She'll have to chaperone, which means there'll be a lot of this...

[ Squealing ]

[ Groans ]

God. Mom dancing.

Yeah. Take it from me -- the only way you're gonna get Mom's permission is if you don't ask for it.

Huh.

Must suck to be Mandy.

It's great to be Eve. Mom trusts me.

Oh, hey, Mom.

So, I have three tickets to this music festival in Santa Fe.

Oh, I'm in!

Let's get jiggy with it!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Uh, actually, the tickets are for me, Cammy, and Sarah.

But we'd have to stay overnight on Saturday.

Where? - Sarah's aunt lives there, so we could just crash with her.

Uh, what about your schoolwork?

Oh, I'd get it all done before we go.

Oh, all right. Sounds good. Have fun.

Oh, boy.

What?

Nothing. Just keep doing what you're doing.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

For the love of God, I know what I'm doing here.

I could rebuild a carburetor in my sleep.

Looks like you already did.

It's ready to go. I'm gonna start it up.

Hey, congratulations.

Hey, uh, is this important?

The main jet to the carburetor, yeah.

How come you didn't say something?

Uh, I said "oh, boy" like a hundred times.

I got to take the float bowl off now and put this back in there.

Oh, man.

Gotcha!

You know, I carry a spare one of those in my pocket when everybody's working on the carburetors.

It's my favorite gag. Works every time.

[ Laughs ]

Yeah, that's why I take a -- a slide whistle to the proctologist.

Which is where I'd rather be right now.

I'm going to get a beer.

Uh, none for me, thanks.

I'm the kind of mechanic that doesn't like to get hammered when he's working on a car.

I'm not hammered, which is pretty amazing, considering the last three hours.

Hey, how about next birthday, you just get me a blood-pressure cuff?

Joe has got to go.

Here's a thought -- tell him.

I wouldn't want to be rude.

Mostly because it hasn't been working.

I want you to tell him to go.

Oh, great, yeah, make me the bad guy.

Just come out to the garage and say you're fed up with all the time I'm spending with him and he's got to go.

Honey, he's not gonna believe that coming from me.

I'm -- I'm a sweetie.

You have it in you.

Do you remember the Vanessa that showed up at the block party when the Shirazis brought that peach cole slaw?

Peach cole slaw is my thing, and everybody knows that!

Yeah. Please, please use that.

[ Exhales sharply ]

Joe: Well, that took long enough.

Apparently a bottle opener is another tool you're not familiar with.

It was my wife. You know how it is.

Not really. Never married.

Lucky girl.

Look, I don't mean to be riding you so hard about the car, okay?

I just -- I just wanted to make sure you knew your stuff, that's all.

Well, that's why I kept you around, Joe.

Hoping I'd win your approval.

Well, you could win something a lot better.

Mm-Hmm?

How about the Rock Crusher?

The Muncie M22? You have one of those?

I have the original transmission for this car with the VIN number stamped on the case.

It's at my garage.

Hell yeah!

Vanessa: Mike! I have had it! You have been out here night and day for the past week, and the rest of the house is falling apart! Now say goodbye to your little friend! Get your butt back in here and start being a husband again!

It's mostly about cole slaw.

Good morning, Mr. B.

I don't need your attitude today, Kyle.

I'll work on that, sir.

Okay, you're in a lousy mood, and Joe was in your garage till 9:00 last night.

I'm guessing there's a connection.

Damn right there's a connection.

That guy's promised to bring over the transmission every day for two days.

It's always some excuse.

Today's excuse was he's gonna spend time with friends.

I know that's a lie.

Sounds like Pete Zimbowski.

He was a snowmobile distributor who just loved hanging out with me.

Who wouldn't?

He kept promising to show me this prototype of a snowmobile that was also a jet ski.

Oh, yeah. The guy that drowned.

Yeah.

I think Joe might be leading you on, too, just to spend time with you.

Who wouldn't?

So he may not even have the Rock Crusher.

Exactly.

I've got to find out.

This is where you come in.

Oh, please tell me you're not gonna ask your only black friend to break into another man's garage.

No, of course not.

Would you?

No!

I'm gonna go check the security cameras.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Sit down.

That gives me a great idea.

Hey, Mom, remember that great conversation we were having yesterday?

I'm sorry, Mandy. I don't.

Yeah. That's 'cause we didn't have one.

And that's 'cause I've been ignoring you.

Thanks for noticing.

Okay. What did I do?

Okay, whenever I asked to go on overnights in high school, you always said no.

But with Eve, it's like, "oh, sure, have fun!

I love you more than Mandy!"

Okay, all right, yes, Mandy, you know what?

I did treat you differently.

Don't deny it.

I did that because you reminded me of your mother.

I knew it. I'm adopted!

Ugh!

Oh, God, you know what?

When you compare me with the rest of the family, I really do pop.

No, honey. I'm talking about me.

When I was a teenager, I was just as wild and impulsive as you are.

Wow.

What happened?

I changed. I matured.

And I think I turned out pretty well.

Yeah. I mean, I'm not gonna nitpick or anything.

All right. All right.

The important thing is, I trust you now.

You do?

Yeah. Because you've matured also.

I mean, look at the responsible young woman you've become.

It's wonderful.

Oh, my God. I'm Mom.

Still not comfortable doing this, Baxter.

Come on, Chuck.

Just give him that security spiel of yours while Kyle and I look for the transmission.

Yeah, anybody who messes with Mr. B.

And is hanging around his house is messing with me and hanging around my house.

Maybe I'll go in by myself and you can take Kyle with you.

No.

Outdoor Man! Hey, Joe. How you doing?

How are you? Good to see you.

This is my head of security at my company, Chuck Larabee.

Hey.

Hey.

And Kyle, he just -- he just asked to come.

Well, nice to meet you, Kyle.

You didn't tell me he was nice.

Well, you seem very nice, too.

Oh, God.

Hey.

Come on inside.

[ Whistles ]

Yeah.

Damn! This place is sweet!

Why did you ever want to come over to my garage?

Well, I'm glad you like it.

You know, it's kind of why I never got married.

You know, no wife could really understand why a man would need a place like this.

Oh, that's not true.

My wife totally gets it.

Sure.

That's why she was yelling at you the other night.

Ooh.

Trouble in paradise?

How's that blood-pressure cuff working out?

This is a great garage, Joe.

Um, but, you know, places like this, they get broken into all the time.

So I'd love to hook you up with a good security package.

He'll give you a discount.

You know, I don't need a discount.

I made so much money selling that car to his wife, I can retire a third time.

[ Laughs ]

Hey, let's go outside the garage, Joe.

You know, that's where thieves always start.

Wait, wait, whoa, whoa.

Are you saying the thieves start outside...

Mm-Hmm.

...And then they come inside?

You went to school for this, didn't you?

Don't touch anything, and don't be messing in my garage!

Well, isn't that the garage-messer calling the other guy a guy who's messing up his garage.

Listen, watch the door.

Not here.

Not here.

Not here.

I'm beginning to think it's...

Not here.

[ Alarm blaring ]

[ Blaring stops ]

I said don't touch anything!

Hey, Kyle, he said don't touch anything.

You already have a security system?

Wow, you did go to school for this, didn't you?

Why didn't you just say something?

Because I didn't want to be rude, Mike.

Okay, maybe that's a lesson you should work on.

Really? Maybe you should work on honesty.

What is that supposed to mean?

You don't have a Rock Crusher.

You just wanted to spend time with me.

Is that what you think?

Yeah. Outdoor Man. You're starstruck.

It happens.

You make online videos for a tent store.

You're not exactly David Letterman, okay?

David Letterman is hilarious.

And you know something?

You're starting to bother me, too.

Get the hell out of here.

You know, if I'm not that nice a guy, I guess there's no reason to stop by my garage.

Great, because watching you work on a car was t*rture.

It was like having to sit through six of those "Santa Clause" movies.

They made three of them. Everybody knows that.

It just felt like six!

What sounds good for dinner?

Ah, five quarts of 15W-40 and a new fram oil filter.

What?

Oh, were you talking about us?

I was talking about the Impala.

It's all I thought about today at work --

Getting back to working on the car.

Since Joe's out of my life, it's just me and my other girl.

Okay, just me.

Hey.

When you steal a guy's car, you better find a better place to hide it than your own garage.

I didn't steal it.

I was putting in your Rock Crusher.

Right -- what?

The Rock Crusher?

You -- you have the transmission?

I told you I had it.

I figured it would be quicker if I did it myself.

You know, your beer-drinking just slows the work down.

Where'd you hide the Rock Crusher?

I looked for it yesterday.

It was in the pit.

Pit?

You have a pit in here?

Yeah.

You have a pit. I've always wanted a pit.

You can't have a pit these days 'cause of zoning laws.

[ Chuckles ] Obama.

Yeah.

Yeah, you know, that's his master plan.

inv*de Texas, establish a new world order, and then take everybody's pit.

Okay.

Look, here's your spare key. That's how I got it over here.

Look...

I appreciate it.

I mean, thanks for putting in the transmission.

And if you ever want to visit the car, you -- you stop by.

You know, I work from 9:00 to 5:00, so stop by, you know, between 9:00 and 5:00.

No need to. I got my own project I'm working on.

'67 G.T.O.

'67 goat.

Whoa.

If you need any help wrenching it, you know, I'd be delighted to come by.

Yeah? Need some time to get away from the old lady, huh?

No.

Vanessa -- she's a classic.

All her original parts.

Yep, I wouldn't trade her for anything.

So what makes you want to come around here?

Is it our undeniable chemistry?

What?

I don't get it.

It's this space.

This is a great garage. It really is a great garage.

And I'm a car guy, always have been.

No, you were a car guy.

You're a family guy now, okay?

All right?

This is what you gave up.

Yes, I did.

Hey.

Hi.

Sounds like you got your car back.

You heard me backing it in?

I heard you all the way on Hudson.

Yeah, it turns out this was just a misunderstanding between friends.

Joe had the misunderstanding that we were friends.

So, no more Joe?

Geez, I was afraid that once you saw his garage, it would be no more Vanessa. [ Chuckles ]

Yeah, but that pit -- that pit is just dangerous.

Someone's gonna fall in that pit and hurt themselves.

Damn, I wish I had a pit.

You know, Mike, we could fix up our garage if you want.

We could take the kids' bikes and the Christmas decorations out of there and move the washer and the dryer into the basement.

Might be the perfect place for Mike time.

You'd do that for me?

Yeah, yeah. If you like.

Um, sure.

Just think about it.

I did think about it.

[ Laughs ] Okay.

That was a little longer than I expected.

I will call the plumber and have him move the laundry to the basement.

Nah, I don't want to do it.

I thought about it, and I like the garage the way it is.

I like having all that family stuff there.

Okay.

Uh, what?

I'm probably going to regret this.

But why don't you get us some beers, come on out the garage.

I'll work on the car and we can talk.

That'd be great.

Good.

You, uh, sure there's enough "vroom" for me out there?

Yes, honey, there's plenty of "vroom" out there.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

The invention of the wheel dates back to the Neolithic period, about 6500 B.C.

Over 8,000 years of accidents later, Fred Lanchester invented the disc brake and put a stop to that. [ Chuckles ]

It wasn't long before automobiles fulfilled their true purpose -- Impressing Monica Kendall doing donuts in the 7-Eleven parking lot.

There was a time when I couldn't imagine anything better than cruising around with my high-school sweetheart.

But then you drive your first daughter home from the hospital, you drive your middle daughter home from her first school play, and you drive your youngest to a soccer practice.

And your beautiful wife gets in the car, and you think, "really, you couldn't give me one son?"

A man might be a 427 big block.

Yowzer.

But his family is the wheels.

And he's not going anywhere without his family.

Believe me. I've tried.