07x16 - Urban Exploring

(All sniffing)

I read somewhere that the smell of doughnuts is one of the strongest aphrodisiacs.

You say some weird stuff when you're hungry, Ed.

That's how you get banned from a doughnut shop.

Hey, uh, have you guys seen Boyd?

Yeah, he was interested in one of my cameras, so I gave it to him. He's around here taking pictures someplace.

Shoot. I'm on my break. I was hoping to hang out with him.

- That's a nice mother, huh?
- Hmm.

Wanting to spend time with her kid, yeah.

My mother's idea of quality time was me holding her ashtray.

I once told my mother I wanted to run away.

Huh. We bonded while she helped me pack.

How nice.
I came in looking for my son, and I got cautionary tales.

He's a -year-old boy.

What trouble could he get into in a store that only has bow and arrows, crossbows, ammunition and knives.

I'll find him. I'll get him.

Thank you.
Uh, and when you do, tell him to meet me in the Grill.

There's a new Ping-Pong table.

There isn't, but he doesn't know that.

- She's a good mother.
- Mm-hmm.

- You know how I can tell?
- Huh?

Boyd never has ashes in his hair.

Must've been some brush fire, huh?

Hey. Hey, Baxter?

You were right.
Boyd is taking pictures.

He's a real Baxter.

On the roof.

He's a real Baxter.

What are you doing up on the roof taking pictures?

What if you'd fallen?
You would've broken my camera.

I was urbexing, Grandpa.

Oh, no, no.

Urbexing? Is that a black thing I should know about?

I-I'm always far behind on those.

I just learned about "Bye, Felicia."

- Uh, don't be a square, Chuck.
- Now look at...

He was up there smoking the devil's lettuce.

Urban exploring, right?

Yeah. You go to places in the city, like rooftops

- or abandoned buildings.
- Huh.

- It's actually cool.
- Hmm.

Hey, Chuck, um, you probably didn't know you and your Marines in Fallujah were actually urbexing.

(Chuckles) No, no. We had another funny word for it.

Um, war.

All right. Be careful, kid.
I'll see you later.

- It's a lot of fun.
- Mm-hmm.

It's all about going to awesome locations and taking pictures.

Oh, look at this.

Yeah, you just don't want your pictures on the memory board at your funeral.

I thought you'd think this was cool.

I do think it's cool.
Taking terrific pictures is what I've done for years for Outdoor Man.

Mm, and I watch people shopping.

If you really want to do this, you want to do it the right way with the right equipment, okay?

Instead of taking rooftop pictures, you go to real mountains, real scenery.

- Chuck: Hmm.
- Okay.

Yeah, you'll be saying, "Look, it's a-a sunrise here at Patagonia."

Or you'll be saying, "Look, it's a-a waterfall that disappears into a cloud."

Look... a guy trying on a hat.

That's a lady's hat.

(Imitates trumpet playing fanfare)

Oh, I'm gonna fix that.
That's landlord stuff.

Well, it'd be kind of cool if the lights did that every time we came home.

(Gasps)
Babe, you just called this home.

- Oh.
- (Chuckles)

Oh, and that was our first home hug.

Both:
Oh.

Oh-kay. Uh, well, obviously, you can see it's a work in progress.

I've just been really busy downstairs.

But this is your place. Any questions, just ask.

Can we have a pet pig?

No. No pigs.

So, I've listed things that I'm gonna handle, but I also have a list of stuff I want you guys to take care of.

What does it say on your list?

"Ha ha, I'm making them do everything"?

Yeah. This is a lot.

Uh, do we really need an alarm?

Um, wouldn't it be cheaper if we just yelled "help"?

Uh, now I know you guys have some time, but that should be done at least a week before you move in.

However, I'm a cool landlord, so, like, five or six days will be fine.

Actually, you know what?
It's a week for a reason.

Let's just stick to that.

A week it is.

Okay. Uh, I will leave you to it.

Welcome to your new home.

Both: Oh.

Okay.

Well, I guess we're adults now.

Does that mean we have to watch the news?

Uh, what should we do first?

Uh, I guess we should start at the top of the list.

(Clears throat)

(Chuckles) Did you see that?

Anybody could do that.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

All right.

- I'd like to see you try.
- Okay.

Ha! Double bounce.
Way harder than a one-bounce.

Okay. We each get three throws.
First one to wins.

Small can scores double.

Okay, one game. And then we call those people and tell them we can't adopt the pig.

- Did you check that carabiner?
- Yes.

Did you tell your belayer you're climbing?

I'm climbing.

Look at you climbing that wall.

You look like that arachnid-boy in the funny papers.

How old are you?

(Grunts) All right, all right, all right, that's good.

Let's come on down now, all right?

I can just jump.

You're not always gonna be four feet from the floor with a padded mat, kid.

There you go, there you go.

Oh, yes, you're-you're a natural, kiddo.

That's right.
With the right equipment,

- you can climb any wall.
- Mm-hmm.

Just don't tell the president that.

I can't wait for Saturday.

It's you, me and the Devil's Thumb.

How I envy you.
As a young man,

- I climbed the Matterhorn in the Alps,
- Yep.

El Capitan in California, and Alma Fernanda in Peru, yes.

Alma Fernanda?
That's not a mountain range.

I never said she was.

All right.

Let's go get your helmet, and I'll tell you stories of my climbing days.
Come on.

Just about mountains.
Climbing mountains, that's it.

Hey.

Hey. Uh, Boyd told me you're taking him climbing this Saturday?

I talked to Ryan about it.
He said it was fine.

Please don't tell me the guy that runs the pot shop forgot to tell you.

No one asked his mother.
And she says it's not cool.

Yeah, well, maybe that's why no one asked his mother.

- Devil's Thumb is too dangerous, okay?
- Oh.

At least start him off on the Devil's Footstool.

It's dangerous, but he'll be with me, okay?

And we're just going up there to take pictures.

Dad, you can take your pictures without risking my son's neck.

I should know. I used to be photo editor of the high school yearbook.

Yeah, just for one semester, and then... you know, Boyd.

He's going through a phase.

He just wants to take all of these crazy risks.

Yeah, you took crazy risks... Boyd.

You just pulled him off of a roof.

Okay, taking him to Devil's Thumb is like telling him that he wasn't aiming high enough.

Look, you cannot stop the kid from taking risks, but you can teach him the safe way to do it, right?

I don't like the whole idea. Okay? So he's staying home.

Because mother outranks grandpa.

Yeah... not in my army.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

Listen. If you order one of these spotting drones for hunters, it'll come to your house in Bubble Wrap.

But if you want to get the most out of it, guess what you're gonna have to remove.

The Bubble Wrap.

Kind of works the same way with our kids, but it seems like it's getting harder for parents to understand that.

Because we've got a lot of people running around like Chicken Little, shrieking that the world's more dangerous than it's ever been.

I take the contrary view... surprise.

Listen. Trumper tantrums aside, I think there's never been a safer time to be alive.

Sure there are still dangers out there, but smallpox isn't one of 'em.

Most of the things that would kill us before we even stepped out of the cave aren't even a risk anymore.

But if you convince your kid that the world's a scary place, damn it, it's going to be a scary place.

And if you're one of those parents who feels compelled to put your kid on a leash, you got to ask yourself, are you trying to keep 'em safe or are you trying to keep 'em close?

It's tough watching something you've worked so hard on hurl itself into the world.

But I read once on an oven mitt, if you love something, set it free.

That's as far as I got, 'cause I was taking a beautiful brisket out of that oven.

If you don't set it free, you could just cripple it and leave it in the basement.

And between you and me, if you want to let them go and keep tabs on 'em...
(Chuckles)

these drones have a remarkable range on 'em.

And they're on sale.

Baxter out.

Thanks so much for helping us with the apartment, Jen.

No problem.

Mandy Baxter lines up her shot.

Her height's giving her what many fans are calling an unfair advantage.

Boom!

Nothing but can!
Pass me the avocado, 'cause your game is toast!

Baxter with quadruple points for the win!

(Imitates crowd)

W-Wait-wait-wait.

What, bonus throws are four points now?

That doesn't make sense.

You're right.
I mean, the Chinese only invented soccer, hockey, tennis, and golf.

But, yes, keep explaining the rules of roomball to me.

Anderson quietly concentrates, like a platypus preparing to catch a freshwater shrimp in its cheek pouch.

Google it. That's exactly what you look like.

Kyle AND JEN: Whoa!

- (Chuckles) Yeah!
- (Jen boos)

What the hell is going on in here?

Uh, playing roomball.

I thought you guys were supposed to be painting.

In our defense, it is the playoffs.

Well, stop.
You're banging around up here, and I'm trying to run a business downstairs.

This is so exciting.

I've never been yelled at for being rowdy before.

I know you think that I'm the cool landlord, but I only rent to adults.

And right now... you're acting like children.

(Mandy scoffs)

Who does he think he is, calling us children?

Yeah.
We're not children.

(Both sipping loudly)

Hey. What's up?
You want to see me?

What's up? I was thinking about what you said about going to Devil's Thumb.

And, okay, I'm gonna say something I've probably never said to you before, um...

You were right.

Of course, the first time that you admit that, there are no witnesses.

It's always been safety first. I always told you girls, safety first. Remember?

No. You said "Reagan first."

You're right, you're right, you're right, right...

I think I figured out a way to keep Boyd completely safe.

- Oh.
- All right?

Aah!
Uh, what?

Hi, Mom.

All right, the Bubble Wrap's not complete without this.

Totally safe.

And I can prove it.

- Look out!
- I...

- (Laughs) I'm okay.
- Uh-huh?

Mm.

You know? I can do this all day... aah!

That's great.

And not just because this is a lot of fun.

Give me a break, Dad, okay? I'm not an idiot.

I know that the minute that he's out of my sight, he's gonna take off all of that gear.

She's got us there, Grandpa.

(Boyd grunts)

All right, I knew you weren't gonna fall for this, okay?

Yeah. Nice try, though.

No, no, no, I'm not done, not done, not done.

If you don't think it's safe for us to go alone... why don't you go with us?

Huh?

I'm sorry. You want, you want me to go climbing with you guys?

Well, it seems like it's the only way you'll feel like he's gonna be safe, and that's the problem, right?

Yeah. Uh, all right, yeah.
Uh, I guess I can go.

Aw.

What is that supposed to mean?

- Nothing.
- Nothing... look, it's gonna be great.

We're gonna have a blast.

Not a blast, that's way too dangerous. We'll have a snuggle.

- Whatever.
- What-Whatever?

Come on, you know I hate that word.

Whatever.

(Muffled):
This is bull...!

What did you say to me?

Yeah. You know, he's right. It-it will be a snuggle.

It's gonna be the best damn snuggle of your life.

Come on.

Listen, I'm sorry about all the extra shoves.

I just had...
(Chuckles): I had no idea how much fun those were gonna be.

Ooh, this is...not what we ordered.

Uh, well, I don't know who this Diane M. is, but she was smart enough to order double orange chicken, and we are smart enough to keep it.

Yeah.

Hey, sweetie, what are you doing here?

Uh, I'm looking for my old hiking boots.

Did you put them somewhere?

Oh, yeah. The Goodwill bin.

Three years ago.

I just don't get why people like hiking.

It's just walking where the ground doesn't cooperate.

Well, Boyd's going up to the Devil's Thumb with Dad.

- Oh, nice.
- And I'm gonna go, too.

Just to make sure he's safe, you know.

Uh, honey, is-is there something else going on?

No.

Maybe. I... I don't... I just... you know, I just want to spend some time with Boyd.

He has had no interest in me lately.

- How old is he now?
- .

Oh... that is the most painful time for a mother.

I mean, even labor only lasted hours.

Look, Kris, it's just a phase.

Most kids go through it.

Uh... especially those boys.

For years, Brandon was my angel.

Next thing I know, he's snotty, grouchy, aloof-y... all the dwarves that didn't make it into that cartoon.

It is not just boys. I mean, I had my problems with Eve.

Ah, I mean, if you think about it, Eve was kind of the boy in our family.

Uh, no, no, Eve was worse.

Look, imagine a sullen teenage boy who has periods.

What did you do?

Well, the hardest thing a mom ever does... nothing.

You know what... get a cat.

I can't just give up on my son.

Sweetie, I'm not saying give up on him.

But just give Boyd some space.

Be there for him when he wants you to be and not necessarily when you want to be.

Your little boy's turning into a man.

And no man wants to change in front of his mother.

Oh, that is right.

That is right. Look...

Boyd loves you. Just like Eve loves me.

Just give him time.
He'll-he'll come back to you.

When?

Well, the sooner you let go, the sooner he'll come back.

The only real question is, when are you gonna stop chasing him?

I suppose "until I catch him" is the wrong answer?

You don't want to catch a -year-old boy.

They're sticky.

I guess you're right.

I've heard other mothers talk about this.

It just wasn't supposed to happen to me.

Right. And I wasn't supposed to turn .

But that day is coming.

- (Chuckles)
- Shh!

There's so much to do on this list.

Yeah. I don't even know where to start.

It doesn't even feel like home anymore.

It feels more like a cage.

No. It's worse. You can have a pet pig in a cage.

What's going on in here? It's too quiet.

Nothing.
We're just being adults.

And adults don't laugh or squeal with delight.

Guys, look, I'm not saying you can't enjoy yourselves, okay?

I just want you to knock some stuff off the list.

You don't have to lose your sense of fun.

Really? You did.

Did I?

Did you ever ask yourself why there was a tennis ball up here?

Oh, we don't really deal with life's big questions.

Or why there are all these paint cans up here with no paint in them?

Almost like, I don't know, someone put them there for a reason?

God?

No... me.

And it's not called roomball, okay? It's called bounceball, and you're doing it wrong.
There's no double bounce.

(Scoffs) Double bounce.

Wait, you invented a game? But you're all grown up.

Yeah. I did.
And I'm really good at it.

I don't believe you.

All right.
Hand me the tomato.

It's what I call the ball.

Watch and learn.

Can you teach us how to do that?

Call me when you knock the first thing off the list.

- Hey, Kris.
- Hey.

So?

Did you conquer Devil's Thumb?

Oh, it was great.

I took pictures of mule deers, snakes.

I even got some of a baby mountain lion.

But we got the hell out of there before the mama came looking for it.

Well, that's just a mama doing what mamas do.

It was a long trip for the car, and Grandpa's gonna do what grandpas do, so...

I had a great time, Grandpa.

You rule.

I really wish I ruled.

I would be fair but feared.

And all my subjects would wear really cool outfits... anyway, got to use the throne.

Oh, I forgot about these. Eagles!

(Chuckles) Bradley Cooper's cray.

Want to check it out?

Oh, uh, no, that's-that's okay, honey, that's-that's your thing.

Mom, seriously. I got right in on his face.

Oh, my God.
That is an eagle.

I know. Right?

Wait, you-you took this?

I took them all.
We had to be super quiet.

I used the telephoto and opened up the aperture all the way.

That's a really cool effect.

- That's a depth-of-field deal, right?
- Yeah. I know, Dad.

Yeah, you taught me that.

Yeah. Uh, it's called creamy bokeh.

- Mm-hmm.
- You teaching him all my tricks?

Hey. Good chance to teach him all your tricks, huh?

Anyway... it was a great trip. I got to go, guys.

- Thanks, Grandpa.
- I love you both.

Thanks, Dad.

It's so cool you know about this stuff, Mom.

Yeah, well, uh, I used to be photo editor of my high school yearbook.

Then I gave it up.

How come?

I found something I love more.

Hey... why don't you come with us next time?

Uh, maybe.

Yeah, I... I'll... yeah, maybe.

Oh, it was a... it was a mountain lion.

I'm glad you took Boyd to Devil's Thumb.

Kids these days... they're only into virtual adventures.

Aw, tell me about it.

With their Walkmans and their-their Game Boys and their Donkey Kongs.

You're gonna love the ' s, Ed, once you get there.

(Chuckles) I remember all the stupid dangerous stuff

- I did with my friends as a kid.
- Yeah?

W-We would hose down the front steps, let it ice overnight, and sled down it in the morning.
(Chuckles)

- That doesn't sound too dangerous.
- Mike: Yeah.

Oh, no. I was the sled...

That's nothing. My buddies and I used to play hot potato with cherry bombs.
That's fun, man.

No one ever lost a finger?

No. Yeah, my buddy Lefty learned a lesson, though.

Uh, look, I-I can top both of you.

My friends and I would have these knife fights with another gang of kids.
(Clears throat)

Then we'd dance on the rooftops until we got chased off by Officer Krupke.

You're describing West Side Story.

It wasn't just a story.

Well, the good thing is that you-you grow out of doing that stuff.

Amen.

Hey, guys.

I feel like a superhero.

Want to see me throw myself down the stairs?

Absolutely! Yeah!

- Let's do this.
- I'm first push!