04x10 - Presto Tina-o

"Festival of Magic"?

This whole town's gonna be full of magicians turning tricks!

Hi, Jimmy, Jr.

Hi, Zeke.

What are you wearing?

Is it cape o'clock, already?

It's for the Young Magicians Competition.

I'm in it to win it.

Abraca-yeah-bro!

I support ya!

I didn't know you were into magic.

I thought you were more into dancing.

Well, I dance a lot during my magic. Like this.

(grunts)

♪ Ta-da! ♪

Whoa! Where'd the hell that come from?!

He's like a magical florist!

Thank you. Oh.

Whoop!

Maybe I'll come to the competition and cheer for you.

Whatever.

It's a free country.

He's so patriotic.

Okay, then, see you at our date.

It's not a date.

Yes, it is.

Not really.

Pretty much, it is a date.

Definitely not. Whoop.

Linda: Oh, this promotion is a great idea, Bob!

I love magic!

I know. Me, too.

Ooh, I'm gonna stick a quarter in my ear, so they have something to pull out.

Yeah, the only problem is, this sign could actually attract magicians, so...

Louise, this will be good for business.

Plus, magic is fun.

Mm-mm.

Magic can take you to places you could never possibly imagine.

Like Delaware!

Oh, look, here comes our first magician.

Or a Wild West wedding DJ?

Hello.

Hello...

Hello. Um, I couldn't help but notice your sign.

Notice anything else?

Whoops. Uh, oh, where'd that come from? (laughs)

Uh, come on in, Mr., uh...

Mars Sazerac.

Boy, that is a... magicky name.

Hold on. How do we know you're a magician?

Show us a trick!

Oh, write my name on a piece of cake, put it in a box, and I'll eat it!

Sorry, don't listen to him.

He's just wants to eat cake.

Fine, write it on a piece of pizza and put it under my desk.

It's always gonna have something to do with eating something.

Just hiding food in places that he already knows the location of.

I mean, it would be nice to see something, like a trick.

Well, I suppose me and my 52 friends could use the exercise.

Oh, God, it's happening!

Miss, could I ask you to be my assistant?

Oh, I couldn't. No.

Okay I'll do it!

Oh, that's right, magicians have assistants...

(grunting)

Ta-da.

Now I'll need a volunteer Me!

Me!

Me!

Me!

Me!

Me...!

Gene, me!

Linda: Me!

You're already the assistant, Linda.

Oh.

You win.

No need to shout.

Thank you.

Bye, Gene.

Bye.

Okay, Bob, let's move you over here so the audience can see you.

Right here?

Perfect.

Now, you're going to pick a card.

And while you're doing that, Linda's going to get me your biggest kn*fe.

I have it right here.

Butcher kn*fe, check!

Whoa, why do you have that?

Me and Gene were playing pirates.

Mm-hmm.

Pick a card, Bob.

Show it to them, not me.

Okay, everyone, here's my card.

Nice one, Dad.

Okay.

That was not a very good trick.

Now, Linda, cut the deck, literally.

Go on! Whack it!

All right, step back.

Whaaah!

Whoa!

Still not a great trick.

Well, well, looks like we have a survivor.

Recognize this?!

(gasps)

Ha-ha!

That's not my card.

Oh.

Hit the bricks, Fail-dini!

You had your sh*t, you blew it.

Well, so much for the magician's discount.

In fact, maybe I should pay you.

Wait... that looks like my wallet.

Did you take my wallet?

Oh-ho-ho, slow down, there, Bob.

Before you call the cops, you'd better check the I.D.

(gasps) My card!

(gasps)

Oh, my!

Wait... how did you pick my pocket?

I didn't feel anything.

Oh, I feel something.

I feel like I want to magically steal things, too.

This must be what it's like when people get called to the priesthood.

(gasps) I accept.

Whoa!

I've seen canned tuna, but never canned Tina!

Ugh! You're such a locker stalker.

Good one, Tammy.

I know.

(chuckles): Oh, hi, Jimmy Jr.

It's like I was padlocked in a box, and you set me free.

(grunts)

Um, okay.

Hi.

How did you know my locker combination?

It only took a couple thousand tries.

Allow me.

Okay.

Is there anything else I could assist you with?

Uh, I need to get my science book.

This perfectly ordinary textbook.

Thanks.

You know, I could also assist you with your magic act as your magician's assistant.

Classy.

Like a lady butler.

Um, okay, I-I guess you could do that.

I practice after school.

Oh, okay, cool.

All right, see ya.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Zeke: What? What?

Oh, I just found a cool book I've been meaning to read.

Oh, it's mine.

Oh.

That's his!

Can I borrow it? No, I don't think so. I kinda need it.

Okay, I'll read it here. Bye.

(funky music playing)

(grunting)

Tina: Um, Jimmy Junior?!

What, Tina?

Maybe I should be facing the audience, too?

Fine.

Tina: Um... okay, there's more?

Remember?

The blades?

I remember!

(mumbling)

Stupid magic.

♪ Ta-dance! ♪

Uh, hello? Jimmy Jr.?

What, Tina?

If this were a dancing competition, forget about it.

But you might want to put a little more flair into the actual magic.

What makes you such an expert, Tina?

You've only been doing magic for a day.

I've been doing it for nine days!

Jimmy Jr., they spilled a crate of yogurt in the cafeteria!

Let's go slide around in it!

Cool, Zeke.

Come on! Let's go!

Wait up, Zeke!

Okay, I'll be here.

Sweep up all the confetti, okay?

Okay, Gene, let's start with an easy mark.

Uh, there we go.

You distract while I extract.

Got it.

Andy, there's something I need to ask you, but you have to really focus on me while I'm saying these words!

Oh, okay!

I'll focus, too!

I've never done that before!

What do you think of bacon?

Hmm?

Bacon, bacon, bacon.

Andy, someone's trying to steal your candy!

Ugh!

Thanks, Ollie!

You're welcome, Andy!

Damn it, Ollie!

How did you know?!

I felt it coming out of Andy's pocket!

Get a womb, you wacky twins.

That hurt my feelings.

I felt it hurt your feelings!

You did?

Yes!

(indistinct conversation, hearty laughter)

Ah-choo!

Oh, I wish somebody had a really long handkerchief up their sleeve. Anybody? Hmm?

Come on.

Where's the pizazz-matazz?

I thought they'd get more food.

They split an order of fries three hours ago and they haven't ordered anything since.

Now they're just loitering.

They tricked you, Bob!

It's what they do!

So, Sazerac, can I get you and your friends anything else?

Remember, it's half off, so don't hold back.

Ah, well, your delicious fries have left my fingers greasy.

Bring me a huge plate of napkins.

Well, how 'bout a burger?

I can get you a...

Napkins.

All right, napkins.

Get him a napkin.

Hey, Bob, I think he got your wallet again.

(laughs)

And keys!

And your gas pills!

And your dignity.

Ha-ha, ha-ha-ha, great.

Hi, I'm looking for a magician's assistant's costume.

Something classy!

So no butt cheek!

Well, you're in luck!

This is my last assistant's costume in your size.

The sequins are French crystal.

Well, French-Canadian.

Is that good?

How much do you know about sequins?

Nothing.

They're the best.

She'll take it!

Rented!

Okay, what else?

How's your magician set for cups and balls?

I beg your pardon!

(grunting)

Oh...

That looks pretty advanced.

My magician's better with his feet than his hands.

He's more of a dance-ician?

Well, for those with only the slightest sleight-of-hand, you can't go wrong with magic rope.

♪ Ta-da! ♪

Great.

I'll take that too.

The only thing I need now is some magic between me and my magician.

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

Are you talking about mixing magic and romance?

Big time.

Don't do it!

(both gasp)

It's dangerous.

Also, don't mix magic with taxes.

Or plumbing.

That's okay... danger is my middle name.

But I spell it R-U-T-H.

It spells Ruth.

Yeah. Yeah, it does. Mm-hmm.

Looks like there's a wait, huh?

Yeah.

Maybe I'll just come back later.

Oh, hold on, that guy's getting up.

No, he's levitating!

What? Nope, he was just leaning over to fart.

You know what?

I'll handle this.

What are you gonna do?

Yeah, wait, you'll see.

What?

Look, guys, you've been here all day working on one order of fries, so...

Understood, Bob.

Let me settle my tab.

Do you have change for this?

(laughs)

Sorry I don't have anything smaller.

(all laugh)

No, you know what?

To be honest, Sazerac, I don't even enjoy this anymore.

I don't, I, I, honestly don't even like magic that much now, because of you.

So, you and your friends, you now all pay full price.

No magicians' discount.

Well, if that's how you feel, you can have your fries back.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God!

(moans)

Look, it says "Ta-da"!

That's it!

I don't care that that was good.

You and your regurgitated potatoes and the rest of your magic buddies, you're banned!

Bob, you can't just ban them!

This isn't the '60s, you know!

Fellow conjurers, let's go somewhere our craft is appreciated.

Like my mother's!

Oh, and one last thing, Bob.

Your name goes in the book.

What book?

The "Enemies of Magic" book.

Good! I want to be in your stupid book because I am an enemy of magic!

Well, then this is the perfect book for you!

Will this page do?

Love it!

(gasps)

Don't gasp, Linda!

Oh!

Don't you gasp!

Sazerac: Rest assured, Bob, I will never set foot in this restaurant again.

And yet, you will never be rid of me!

(laughs)

(gasps)

(gasps) I just got chills!

Oh, my God.

Come on, J-Ju, get your dance on!

I'm doing it, Zeke.

My little tiny dancer.

Here we go!

Look, Jimmy Jr. I got something new for our act... magic rope.

Cool! A rope!

No, that's not how it works.

Yee-hah! Whoo!

No... Giddy up, magic cowboy!

Come on!

Look, you're supposed to cut the rope, then restore it.

I can show you.

Oh, cool, scissors!

Hyah! Hyah!

Jimmy Jr., stop.

Snipping and a-whipping.

Doola-di-doo!

Jimmy Jr., stop.

Tina, move!

Listen to me!

Stop it, Tina. I can't dance to the sound of you telling me what to do.

Yeah! Boom!

I'm trying to help.

Assist me assist you.

You know what, Tina?

This isn't working.

That's why we have to keep practicing.

No, this isn't working.

I am firing you.

What?

You can't stop my dancing!

You can't tie me up with your magic rope!

Holy moly!

Tell it, James Ju!

I'm not trying to tie you up, you gorgeous idiot!

Maybe I should enter this stupid contest myself just to show you an actual magic act!

You see that, Zeke?

Yeah. (laughs)

She got pretty mad.

Zeke: She's a trip.

(laughs) Her face turned purple.

Plus, you're not even a magician, Tina.

I am now!

Oh.

It worked in the store. Look, Zeke, tassels!

Yeah!

(whoops) Come on, let me touch 'em.

(Jimmy laughs)

So, you and your magician split up... big surprise.

Jimmy Junior thinks assistants should be sequined and not heard.

So, presto.

Now I'm the magician.

So, uh... what do you got for this no-trick pony, eh?

Set her up.

Young lady, you're in luck.

Here's a classic of escapology... the straitjacket.

Last one in your size.

It just takes a little bit of practice and some dislocateable shoulders.

I'll dislocate Jimmy Junior's heart... and my shoulders.

You sound like you could use the full revenge package.

For just $19.95, you could get this...

Gene: Hmm... interesting.

Dirty tricks: When Doves Cry.

The Art of Magic Sabotage.

No, thanks.

I want to win fair and square.

Keeping it clean?

I have just the thing.

A-ha.

Winning clean: A Guide to Not Cheating in Magic Competitions.

I'll just take the straitjacket.

It's not going to be the last time she says that.

It's our family motto!

Teddy: Wow.

This place looks pretty big without all those magicians in it.

Ah! Oh! Whoa!

Oh!

Oh... Wow, that's never happened before.

That flustered the heck out of me.

Can I get some water, Bobby?

Yeah, sure.

What the hell?

(gasps)

Bobby, it's the curse!

Oh!

What curse?

The Curse of Sazerac!

Linda's right, Bob.

You're cursed. You're in the "Enemies of Magic" book.

(sighs)

We're not cursed.

We're not cursed.

You are.

You're the one who's cursed. Yeah.

It's your name in the book.

The black magic death book.

(sighs) Look, it's just a bunch of stupid tricks.

Someone must've snuck in and...

Where are you going?

What?

Nowhere.

Just, if something heavy falls on you, I don't want to...

I mean, I want to be able to help you, bye.

I'm not cursed!

Aah!

I don't want to die!

♪ Don't mix romance with magic ♪
♪ Shoop-shoop, shoop-shoop ♪
♪ Who should face a straitjacket? ♪
♪ Shoop-shoop, shoop-shoop ♪
♪ Don't mix romance with magic ♪
♪ Shoop-shoop, shoop-shoop ♪


(vocalists scatting)

♪ Doo-wah! ♪
♪ Don't mix romance with magic ♪
♪ Who should face a straitjacket? ♪
♪ Dub-a-doo, dub-a-doo, da! ♪

I'm not sure I can escape from my straitjacket.

Maybe I should have stuck to being an assistant.

No... you're really talented.

(Jimmy Junior grunting)

Hah!

Tammy?

What are you doing?

I'm Jimmy Junior's new assistant.

You couldn't even wait until the Zig-Zag box was cold?

Oh, I thought I smelled your B.O. in there.

Uh-oh. Battle of the training bras.

I feel like I'm back in diapers at divorce court!

You know what really stinks, Tammy?

His act.

It's not magic, it's tragic.

Don't be such a rhymin' hymen, Tina. Yeah, Tina.

You're not even good at it.

Yeah, Tina.

Oh, Jimmy Junior, you make me so mad!

What are you gonna do about it?

I'll take it.

Here you go!

(laughs evilly)

Do you have something caught in your throat?

That was my evil laugh.

I also have something caught in my throat.

And... we're in.

His magic cape won't be so magic when the hidden pockets are stapled shut.

Guys, code red, Hocus and Dopus!

Tina, start stapling!

Hurry!

(grunting)

Done.

Go! Split up!

(grunting)

You missed the cape, Tina!

Oh, hi, Jimmy Junior.

We were just leaving in that direction.

Man, I wish I had siblings I could walk that close with.

My brother's 44.

Tina: There has to be something else in here that will ruin Jimmy Junior.

This one would be great, if we had eight weeks, 25 rabbits, and a fireman's hose.

Ooh, look at this one.

"Find the heart of his act, and cut it out."

Like when Shelley Long left Cheers.

Linda: Okay, Tina, time to put on your straitjacket.

Oh, all this white, it's like your wedding day.

Oh, I'm tearing up!

Thank you, Mother.

I must prepare.

Boy, she's really in the zone, huh?

Uh, I think I should stay here, Lin.

Protect the restaurant from another Sazerac attack.

A Saz attack.

Forget the restaurant, Bob.

You're gonna be cursed, no matter what.

You might as well come support your daughter.

And let's be honest, Dad, how much more cursed can you really get?

What, is he gonna give you an even weirder body?

Thanks, Louise.

You got it.

Bob: Great. Sazerac's the emcee.

I can't get away from that idiot.

So... maybe...

I'm going to get even with him.

Linda: What?

I mean... uh, nothing.

Be right back.

Good luck, Tina.

Okay, my little Teenie-Weenie Houdini!

Go kick some butt!

Some butt, or one butt?

Okay...

We need to go, too, Mom.

Uh, I'm Tina's... silk scarf wrangler.

And I'm the one who has to make sure there's nothing up her sleeves.

I love that.

All right, Team Tina!

Go, Team Tina!

Enjoy your complimentary cold-cuts, Saza-jerk!

The "Enemies of Magic" book!

David Cassidy?

Larry Bird?!

Diane Keaton?

Ha!

My name's not in your book anymore, Sazerac, but this is!

Uh-oh, that's not good.

Ow.

That's a peppercorn.

(groaning)

(muffled)

Say that again.

Now we cut out the heart of Jimmy Junior's act and put in this.

(gasps) "Poly-rhythmic synth-jazz"!

No one can dance to that.

That's right.

Not even Jimmy Junior.

Yeah!

Here's the new music for Jimmy Junior's act.

Um, I don't see anything on my list about new music.

Look, we did a Kickstarter to make this music Oh, okay, okay!

All right!

(chuckling): Oh, boy.

I snuck into Sazerac's dressing room and I found his stupid book and tore my name out.

What?

You did what?

Ooh...

(sniffing)

Ooh, you smell like salami.

Thank you, and welcome to the Young Magician's Competition!

These kids are the magic stars of the future.

Well, not all of them.

Some will give up, become teachers, doctors...

(booing, hissing)

I know, I know.

I agree, but come on.

Let's hear it for our first contestant, The Amazing Jimmy Pesto Junior and his assistant, Tammy Larson!

(syncopated synth-jazz playing)

That's not my music.

Just go with it.

I can't dance to this!

Damn it!

It looks like he's having a funky stroke.

I miss you, Grandpa!

This doesn't bother me at all, watching my almost boyfriend get horribly humiliated...

Ah! Yes, it does!

I can't do this!

I gotta save him.

It's not too late.

Oh, maybe it is too late.

Still, I've gotta try.

(grunting)

What are you doing out here?

Trying to save you.

I switched your music to something with a nine-eight time signature.

That's like dance Kryptonite!

I know, I'm sorry.

I was really mad at you for firing me and for replacing me with Tammy.

I'm sorry, too, for being so sensitive about my dancing.

So what do we do now?

We have the rest of our lives to figure that out.

No, I mean right now. Oh.

Get off the stage, Tina!

You're not his assistant.

I am! Deal with it!

Sorry, Tammy, I can't hear you while you're rolling away so fast.

(grunts)

Aah!

Hi, Tammy!

Bye, Tammy!

Great magic!

Well, should I do a trick?

No, I'll be the magician and you assist me with your dancing.

I told you, I can't dance to this music!

And I probably can't get out of this.

But follow my lead anyway.

Okay, Tina.

Is this part of the show?

Yeah, right?

Do a trick!

And now, with the help of my lovely assistant, I will perform an amazing escape from the Jacket of Doom.

(grunting)

Huh.

I thought we were getting revenge.

More like revenge on us, having to watch.

Ho-ho.

And now for the master to become the mark...

This... isn't going well...

Aah!

♪ Ta-dance. ♪

Hah!

(applause, cheering)

And now, for the winner of the Young Magician's Competition...

The envelope, please!

(audience exclaims)

I can't believe you got out of that thing.

How'd you do it?

Magic.

Off-topic: Would you mind popping my shoulder back in?

Yeah, sure.

Tina (grunts): Thank you.

Now, that's what I call air mail!

(audience laughs)

The $500 grand prize goes to...

Peter Pescadero, the lmpescadaralist!

(applause)

I can't turn it off!

Thank you!

And the Honorable Mention Award for On-Stage Chemistry goes to...

Tina Belcher and Jimmy Pesto Junior!

(audience applauds)

Go, Tina!

What?!

"On Stage Chemistry"?

That's almost as good as off-stage chemistry.

Why don't you two nerds go have wizard babies?

Enjoy your prize.

A $50 gift certificate from Wands! Wands! Wands! magic shop.

Can not be applied to the purchase of wands.

Sweet. Thanks, Tina.

Don't thank me, thank my lips.

Thanks, lips!

See ya!

(sighs)

Now I see him, now I don't.

Way to go, Tina!

Your trick was the best!

Everyone was talking about it.

Thanks, Mom.

Cool if we don't hug?

So you won the Honorable Mention Onstage Chemistry award.

That's something, right?

No, I've thought about it and I don't think it is anything.

Meanwhile, I picked my first pocket.

Sazerac's.

Oh, the "Enemies of Magic" book.

Thanks, Louise, but I already tore my name out and look what I put in.

Wait, what is this?

"Look on the back of the page you tore out."

"Dear Bob, I knew this is how it would end...

Sazerac: "...you sneaking into my dressing room, "licking my cold-cuts, "and ripping your name out of the book, which I then let Louise take from my pocket."

He let me take it?

Wow.

That guy is good.

Yeah, he's great!

There's a P.S.

Sazerac: "P.S. I farted on the meat."

Oh! Oh, God!

Oh! Well, I hope you learned your lesson, Bob.

Don't lick meat.

Disagree.