01x12 - Pontiac Bandit

He's here. Boyle is here.

This is so fun!

I wish you guys got shot more often.

Buh-buh-buh-back in the nine nine.

[Cheers and applause]

Welcome back, Detective.

Wow, is this all for me?

Jake: Of course it is.

What're you wearing, there, buddy?

Oh, none of my pants fit over my butt cast.

Lucky for me my lent me her leg warmers.

That is lucky.

Pretty sweet scooter.

Yeah, I know. Check out these doughnuts.

Whoo-hoo!

Oh, that went terribly. Can I help you with something?

Nope, nope. Everything's under control.

I picked up a couple reacher grabbers.

Yeah.

So I'm able to do everything that I used to do.

So now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go make myself a morning cup of coffee like I do every day.

Okay, okay.

Just gotta... No problem.

[Mug shatters]

[People ooh]

Oh... The heart is the hardest part.

[People oh]

Let me get that for you, Boyle.

No need. No need at all.

That's sweet, Rosa. Here we go.

Terry: Ah...

Hey, Charles, just take my coffee. It's fresh.

Okay, I guess. I mean, if you don't mind.

All right, you got it? Ah... [Chuckles]

No problem.

Why wouldn't you just use your other hand?

Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Hot coffee in my cast!

Ah! [Gasps]

Ah... [Sighs]

Cold milk.

Cold milk.

That's coming out the bottom.

It is coming out the bottom of my cast.

[People groan]

Gina: All right.

Hey.

What's going on?

Just picked him up on a dozen counts of identity theft.

His name is Doug Judy.

You ever seen him before? No.

[Rolling rs]

♪ Rosa ♪
♪ Rosa, Rosa ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Beautiful Rosa ♪

I think he's into me.

What do you do to these perps?

Fear is a powerful aphrodisiac.

Anyway, he said he wants to speak to "John or Jack Peralta or whatever."

What does he want with me?

And should I change my name to Jack Peralta?

That sounds badass.

[Dramatic voice] Jack Peralta, crocodile hunter.

Yeah.

He said he wants a deal.

He has some information about some dude who steals Pontiacs.

Pontiacs? He knows about the Pontiac bandit.

Listen to me, he specifically said he knows a guy who steals Pontiacs?

Yeah, I just said that. Chill, man.

Okay.

Okay, sorry.

M'kay. [Laughs]

Doug: Hey, Diaz.

Come here and talk to me.

This dude is super horny.

Yeah.

Ah. Whoa.

[Scooter beeping]

[Beeping]

Backing up, guys.

Oh, are you? Huh.

Scooter's computer voice: Please get out of my way. I am physically disabled.

One of these buttons... [Horn honking]

Sorry, sorry.

Oh, you don't have to apologize for anything, Boyle.

You were shot in the line of duty, defending a fellow officer.

You know, the doctor said that if the bullet was two millimeters to the left and a foot higher, I might never have walked again.

Everyone here appreciates your heroism, Boyle.

We all want your first day back to be as pleasant and as comfortable as possible.

Right, detectives?

Absolutely.

Hey, Boyle. You want to choose where we order lunch from today?

Really? You're lifting the lifetime ban?

I thought my lunch choices were "horrifying adventures in diarrhea."

Today, Charles, we take that adventure with you.

Charles: All right!

I've been craving Sudanese all day.

I'll print out some menus.

[Thump] Ouch.

You ran over my foot.

I am in incredible pain.

I used to work at a chop shop.

It was chill. Decent hours, good benefits.

You could work while you were High.

Which I never did, 'cause that's irresponsible.

Anyway, we did a lot of work for this dude who stole Pontiacs.

The Pontiac bandit!

Okay. We called him bill, but whatever.

No, not whatever. The Pontiac bandit is my Nemesis.

I've been chasing this guy for eight years.

He's stolen hundreds of cars, all of them Pontiacs.

He's never left any evidence, and he's never been caught on Cam the guy is a ghost.

Super ghost.

He's a super ghost!

Before we go any further, we need to know if you're for real.

Describe the guy.

Doug: Asian dude.

Maybe 5'8", spiky black hair.

Rocks in both ears. Always wears a black suit.

And speaks with a British accent.

Like my girl Dame Judi Dench. I have impeccable taste.

So would you say he looks sort of like...

This?

That's bill.

This is a composite sketch from ten interviews I've done.

Perfect match.

So all you know is what a bunch of other mopes have said over the years.

Anything else?

Yeah. I know how to get in touch with him.

Doug Judy!

You wanted to see me, Captain?

My husband's dog cheddar had relations with our neighbor dog karate and produced these two smaller dogs he insisted that I find them a good home with someone we trust.

You can trust me.

Dogs are my whole life.

Also work.

Doing work and hanging with dogs.

That's my lifestyle.

[Sneezes]

[Coughs]

You're allergic to dogs, aren't you? Nope.

I just need an epipen because my happiness is making my throat close up.

Hand me the small dog, Santiago.

[Sneezing]

So the burner phone that Doug Judy used to contact the Pontiac bandit is at his mom's house.

He's agreed to help us catch the bandit if we drop all charges against him.

How many cars would you say this Pontiac bandit has stolen?

230 that I know of.

But the real number could be in the millions.

You're not very good at math.

What are the charges against Judy?

12 counts of identity theft, but I've been chasing him for a month.

Oh, a month?

I've been trying to catch the Pontiac bandit for eight years.

You know how many months that is?

96.

80... 40... and 6 years, months.

Do you need a math tutor?

Because the department will provide one for you.

I can't tell if you're being serious.

I'm on the fence here.

Diaz caught him.

It's your call.

Look, this guy is for real. 1,000 push-ups.

1,000 push-ups, really? Yes.

Okay. I'm in.

Holt: What's 1,000 push-ups?

Oh, we were in the academy together, and we hated all the drills, so now when we're on a case and one of us says 1,000 push-ups, it means I'm so sure I'm right that if I'm wrong, I'll do 1,000 push-ups.

Rosa: It's a pact we made.

It really just means "trust me." And I do.

Holt: Okay.

Make the deal. Yes!

I've got you now, Pontiac bandit. Whoo!

Feels good to finally say that in front of actual people instead of just the mirror.

All right, so we grab the burner, catch the bandit, become police legends.

My mom's car is here. She's home.

Can I take these cuffs off?

No way.

She doesn't know I'm a criminal.

She thinks I own an architecture firm with all white employees.

That's racist.

Why stop there? Why not tell her you're an astronaut?

'Cause space is scary.

You saw what it did to Sandy bullock.

Yeah, I'm with him on this one.

I'll stay on earth, thank you very much.

Yeah. [Laughs]

Come on, Rosa.

We can play-act with his mom for two minutes to get a lead.

Fine.

One false move, and I tase you in front of your mom.

Dougie! Oh, my beautiful boy.

[Smooches]

Well, shouldn't you be at work?

Never too busy to see my mama. Oh.

Mama, this is my girlfriend Rosa.

And this is my personal assistant.

Mangy Carl.

Aw, it's nice to meet you. You can just call me Carl.

Mangy Carl used to be a homeless gentleman.

I work with a charity that finds jobs for down-on-their-luck white people.

Oh...

He's just a big, old angel. He's been so good to...

The whites.

[Laughter]

Yes, he is.

Yeah. This guy.

Aw...

[Both laughing]

Hey, speaking of which, we should probably grab that phone, you know, so you can get back to architecturals.

Yes, it's in the spare bedroom.

I'll go with you. It's a mess.

Actually, we can handle it on our own, ma'am.

Thank you so much.

Why don't you just stay up here and...

Chop it up with Rosa?

Well, that sounds nice.

We can get to know each other a little.

I love getting to know people.

It's my jam.

[Slurping]

Oh, how good is this food?

I'm eating it.

They accidentally put a stone in mine.

Oh, no, no, no, no, that's the hoof!

[Gasps] That's the best part of the stew!

Oh, man.

Think of it as marrow nugget wrapped in a thick toenail.

[Gags]

Charles: [Slurps] Mmm.

Hey, did I tell you guys what the doctor said?

Mm-hmm.

Couple times.

But we'd love to hear it again.

He said that if the bullet was a fraction of an inch to the left and two feet up, it woulda hit my brain.

Oh... Yeah.

[Slurps]

Oh...

"Back in the game. When can we meet?"

Damn, you're a good assistant. I could get used to this.

How long till he usually gets back to you?

Like ten minutes. Chill, mangy.

I can't chill. I've never been this close before.

I gotta admit, your enthusiasm makes me want you to catch him.

Thank you.

Are these laserdiscs?

Yeah, I robbed a tower records back in '92.

Kept my faves.

Doug Judy. Ooh.

Blade runner, tron, oh!

Fievel goes west?

Yes, sir. Love that little mouse.

His journey... The story of America.

I could not agree more.

Fievel? Papa.

Fievel! Papa!

Fie-vel! Pa-PA!

Fie-vel!

You guys having fun?

Hey. 'Cause I'm not.

His mom put this stupid braid in my hair.

Oh, looks beautiful.

Yeah, it's kinda cute.

Please have my children.

[Phone chimes]

It's him.

Parking lot on Flatbush and Vanderbilt in 15 minutes.

Let's go.

Doug: Wait, wait, wait.

Diaz looks like a dirty criminal.

But you look like a cop, man.

You can't go over there like that.

What'd you have in mind?

♪ Don't call it a comeback ♪
♪ I been here for years ♪
♪ Rockin' my peers and puttin' suckas in fear ♪
♪ Makin' the tears rain down like a monsoon ♪
♪ Listen to the bass go boom ♪
♪ Explosion overpowerin' ♪
♪ Over the competition I'm towerin' ♪

I don't look like a cop now.

No, you look like a Boyz II Men Easter album.

Burn.

That's not a burn, that's cool.


[Door opens]

Gina, we've been looking all over for you.

You can't just disappear and leave a sign on your desk that says, "gone leavin'."

Gina: I'm hiding from Charles.

I can't take him anymore.

It's safe in here

'cause his scooter can't get up the steps in the hallway.

Gina, have some compassion.

Boyle got hurt doing something brave.

You didn't have to do physical therapy with him, Amy.

Pedal, pedal, pedal, pedal, pedal, pedal, push.

Pedal, pedal, pedal, pedal, pedal, push.

All this cycling makes me feel like Lance Armstrong.

Like you use performance-enhancing drugs and have one teste?

Wouldn't you like to know?

How long can you possibly hide in here?

I sent all the Captain's calls here, my phone battery's at 100% charge, and I have ten loose diner mints in my purse.

This is my home now.

I gotta say, the suit is growing on me.

Looks good.

Is it triple-breasted somehow?

There's no such thing.

What about the girl in total recall?

Mmm. Triple bitties.

Triple bitties. Triple bitties. Yeah.

[Laughs] Rosa...

There's no sign of anyone.

You sure about this?

1,000 push-ups.

Okay.

Heads up.

Who the hell are you? Where's bill?

He hadn't heard from you in a while, so he sent me to make sure everything was cool.

Apparently it's not.

Who are they?

They're with me.

This is the buyer. Carl Mangerman. 'Sup?

I don't know them, I don't trust them.

He meets with you alone or it's off.

I'll text the address.

Come on!

I promise you this.

They have not heard the last of Carl mangerman.

Sergeant, I'd like you to meet Richard and Dan.

They are puppies.

Very cute, sir.

Maybe your twins would like some little, furry friends.

I'm sorry, sir, but that's impossible.

With the twins learning how to walk, chaos reigns at the Jeffords household.

I can't let those innocent pups into that madhouse.

Terry won't do you like that.

Holt: I understand.

Just know you have disappointed...

All three of us.

That's cold, sir.

All right, it's worth the risk.

We send him in alone.

No, we do not. Something doesn't smell right to me.

Could be my dad's suit. He died in it.

He died in it?

Oh, man. [Phone chimes]

They just sent the location.

Doug: Man, this dude is cautious.

If I show up one minute late or I'm not alone, he's done with me.

This is your last shot.

I can't let the Pontiac bandit get away.

Put a wire on him, get a tactical team in as backup.

It's the only way.

Doug Judy and I know this guy. You have to trust us.

Do I?

One of you is a criminal, and the other one is dressed like Steve Harvey.

It's over. I'm ending this now.

Sorry, Jake.

Seriously?

Yeah. 1,000 push-ups.

Well, I raise you. 2,000 push-ups.

What? That's not how this works.

I said 1,000 push-ups, you have to back me up.

That's the pact, end of story.

Well, I break the pact.

I hope you understand how serious this is to me.

Come on, Rosa.

Can't you read between the lines, man?

Don't quote die hard.

Sorry.

But we're still sending him in alone.

Jake: We need evidence, so get him talking.

Ask questions about money, cars, specifics.

I'm getting kind of nervous, man. This dude is for real.

You sure you got everything covered?

Yeah.

There's a body on the back door, eyes on the side door, and two guys out on the corner. You're gonna be fine.

What about choppers?

You got choppers? With snipers and rockets?

No one has rocket choppers.

Although that does sound amazing.

So, what'd I miss?

Tell me all the jokes. Everything funny that happened.

Charles, we really need to get back to...

Hitchcock called himself Scully by accident.

I did. But it brought me and Scully closer together.

Charles: [Laughs] That's great!

What else?

Oh...

Oh, I laughed too hard. Lost another highlighter.

Does anyone have skinny forearms?

Fine.

Great.

Yeah, it's way down there by my butt.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's it.

Is that it? Yup.

Oh, okay.

Charles: Right there.

Ah!

Got it.

Oh, my God. Where's my grandmother's ring?

Oop. Found it.

I'll be right back.

Scooter's computer voice: Please get out of my way. I am physically disabled.

[Beeping] Please get out of my way.

Welcome to the Boyle-free zone.

Please turn off all cell phones so as not to attract any unwanted attention.

Can I offer you a mint?

Rosa: We got eyes on the bandit. He's a block away.

You ready?

You and me, Jakey. We were born ready.

Go, Judy, go.

[Shutter clicking]

Jake: We meet at last, Pontiac bandit.

For eight years I've tracked you.

And today I'm taking you down.

Doug Judy, can you hear me?

Say something to test the wire.

Doug: Hey, Diaz...

After we put the cuffs on this guy, I'll be free for dinner.

You like spaghetti?

And weed?

The mic works.

My man. What's up?

Man: Pleasure to see you again.

Doug: Let's talk about cars.

I got my shop up and running again.

I can do anything you want.

Blue cars, red cars, big cars, small cars, you know, cars. Cars are really great, aren't they?

What is he doing?

Talking about cars.

Boyle, where is everyone?

Hiding from me in the evidence room.

They think I don't know, but Gina's been live tweeting the whole thing.

She live tweets everything.

Ruined Downton Abbey for me.

Maybe it was too soon for me to come back.

I would've just stayed at home, but I was getting lonely and bored.

One day I looked out the window for four hours.

I didn't see anything.

Huh.

Doug: You know what else is great about cars?

The way they look. How they stop, how they start.

That's it. I'm calling it.

No!

Move, people, we're going in now.

On your knees! Hands on your head!

Gotcha, Pontiac bandit.

Where's Doug Judy?

He went to the bathroom.

I'm just here to give him a haircut.

I don't know what's going on.

A likely story, Pontiac...

But actually you do have a lot of hair products.

He's gone. He ran.

Why would he do that?

He helped us catch the Pontiac bandit. That was the deal.

Doesn't make any sense unless...

Doug Judy is the Pontiac bandit.

[Siren whoops]

Put out an APB.

Seal off everything for a 20-block radius.

Doug: Yeah, don't bother looking for me.

I'm in the wind. [Blowing]

Jake: If you're close enough for me to hear you, you're close enough for me to catch you.

Nah, I got a relay set up, brother.

So if you're the Pontiac bandit, who's this joker?

Doug: Couple of years ago you were getting really close, so I started telling all my associates if they ever get caught, they should describe me as...

Asian dude, 5'8", spiky hair.

Wears diamond earrings and has a...

British accent.

So then you hired a guy who matched that exact description.

Doug: No, no, no, no, no, no.

That's my barber Norman Lee. He gave me the idea.

You know, if you can't come in, I do house calls.

You just text me a location and I could be there in half an hour.

Good to know.

You know, you should actually use him while he's there.

He'll give you a dope fade.

I get dope enough fades from my current barber, thank you.

So you dragged us over here, went in there, pretended to talk, and then snuck out the basement.

Am I right?

Doug: The basement connected to another basement!

Which connected to a garage, which is where my boy picked me up.

Your boy?

Oh, that guy from the meet-up.

He works for you.

He pretended to be spooked by me and Diaz in the parking lot to make sure that we let you go to the next meeting by yourself.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!

You win a Teddy bear!

You lied to me, Doug Judy.

Gotta be honest, I'm pretty disappointed right now.

I mean, was that even really your mom?

Doug: Hell yeah, that's my real mom.

I wanted to see her one last time before I disappeared.

I told you I was sensitive, Rosa.

Rosa: Yeah, you did.

Why don't you come back here and take me out to dinner?

Ah... [Laughs]

I know you're trying to trap me.

But crazy thing is I'm tempted!

That's how hot I find you.

Sorry it had to go down this way, Peralta.

Maybe we could've been friends in another world.

If I hadn't just fooled you like a little bitch!

[Engine revs]

[Laughing] Bitch!

'Kay.

Hey, Captain, we thought we'd get more work done in here, because...

You're all hiding from Boyle.

Hitchcock: Not me, Captain.

I was napping.

That's worse.

Amy: Captain, we all think Boyle's a hero, but it's very difficult to be around him right now.

Terry: I was in the bathroom with him, sir.

It was a nightmare.

Hey, sarge, this cast has a special crotch hole.

It's like a doggy door for my pen1s.

Shake.

That man took a bullet for this precinct.

He's a guy who's always looking for love and friendship.

And he needs it now more than ever.

But you all turned your backs on him.

And you should all be ashamed of yourselves.

Gina: [Giggles]

I'm sorry. Those puppies are so cute.

They do undercut your Tone a bit, sir.

Terry: But on the plus side,

I think I know what to do with them.

Holt: Detective Boyle.

I think you might be able to give these dogs a good home.

Ah...

Scooter's computer voice: You are off the scooter.

If you have fallen, please call a doctor.

Oh, Captain...

I don't know if I should... okay.

Oh... [Laughs]

That tickles.

They like me so much! [Gasps]

[Exhales]

Are you crying, Santiago?

I'm so allergic.

Can you tell the scooter to call an ambulance?

[Gasps]

Hey.

So...

I went back to the mom's house.

Unsurprisingly a dead end.

I got a lot of work to do, Peralta.

Wait.

I want to say something.

We've worked together long enough that I know how much you hate apologies.

I just want to ask you to join the Doug Judy case.

Officially, as partners.

I want to catch this guy, and I can't do it without you.

No, you can't.

Now I believe I owe you 1,000 push-ups.

I don't care about the push-ups, Jake.

I care that you didn't honor our pact.

I've always trusted you, and when you did that it made me feel like you don't trust me.

I know, and I'm sorry. It won't happen again.

No, it won't.

Now get down on the floor.

What? You just said you didn't care about the push-ups.

I changed my mind.

Fair enough.

A pact's a pact.

[Groans]

One, two, three...

612...

Night, Peralta.

Night.

613...

Hey, Ronald.

[Groans]

1,000...

Is so many push-ups. I'm never gonna make it.

What am I at?

901.

Thank you, Captain.

You said 2,000, remember?

Agh!

I shoulda trusted you! [Sobbing]