01x13 - The Bet

Jake: Charles, this is exciting.

Medal of valor.

I know.

For getting shot in the butt.

[Gunfire]

Oh, my butt!

For exceptional acts of heroism or voluntary risk of personal safety.

But, you know, six of one.

This is one of the NYPD's highest honors.

Today is your day, Detective Boyle.

Gerber: Heroism can't be measured by a piece of metal.

But what else can we do to recognize the brave officers that have put their lives on the line?

It is my great honor to present the medal of valor to Detective Charles Boyle...

And sergeant peanut butter.

[Riotous cheers and applause]

[Horse neighs]

Oh, my God.

Charles is getting the same medal as a horse.

At least Boyle was announced first.

Because the horse outranks him.

This is amazing.

That's enough, Peralta.

Holt: This is a huge honor, and nothing can take that away from him.

The horse is pooping on the stage.

Sergeant peanut butter is pooping on the stage.

[Snorts]

Peralta.

Santiago.

The bet ends today.

Are you ready? I was born ready.

To lose? The whole question was, "are you ready to lose?"

And you said you were born that way.

Twist my words all you want.

Okay. I'm winning this bet.

No.

Hitchcock: What bet?

What are you guys talking about?

Seriously? The bet?

They've been keeping score all year.

It comes up all the time.

What are you doing all day?

Nothing. Why, you wanna hang out?

A year ago today, Peralta and I made a bet to prove who's a better Detective.

Whoever makes more felony arrests, wins.

What are the stakes?

And don't say money, because I know you're in debt.

If you really knew anything about me, you would've said "crushing debt," and I'll bet whatever, 'cause there's no way I'm losing.

What about your car? Oh!

That thing is a date magnet.

I mean, how many girls have you made out with in that car?

Six? Well, I'm gonna win, so sure.

Let's bet the car. [Crowd oohs]

Yes.

No, Jakey, no!

That car is your superpower.

Thor would never wager his hammer.

Neil Patrick Harris would never wager his showmanship.

Losing that car will be the worst thing in the world for you.

Well, what's the worst thing in the world for you, Santiago?

Being one of those girls in Jake's car.

Terry: Okay, okay, okay.

Then it is settled.

If Peralta loses, Santiago gets his car.

If Santiago loses, she goes for a date in said car.

Game on.

Game on.

Wow, your handshake is quite firm.

I took a seminar.

Where?

And the score is all tied up.

But not for long.

For in eight hours, I will win the bet and take Santiago on the worst date in the history of the world.

Holt: Attention.

After today's shift, I'd like everyone join me at the bar for drinks in honor of Detective Boyle and his medal of valor.

Oh, my God, is peanut butter gonna be there?

That horse is a damn hero.

Peanut butter will not be joining us.

He's being feted by the united nations.

As you were.

Pen. You... ow!

Rolly chair!

Gina's desk! Oh, Jake.

No!

Captain, hey.

You're looking stoic today, like a wise old oak.

I'm not gonna give you more cases so you can win your bet with Santiago.

What? Oh, right, the bet.

[Chuckles] Totally forgot about that.

Well, granted, this friendly competition has led to you and Santiago putting in more hours and arresting more perps, especially this last week.

Up by one, Peralta.

Anything you want to say to your car before you never see it again? Hmm?

Hey, Santiago, do you have any dietary restrictions that medieval times should know about?

Yes, 3-1-1?

What's the safest way to set a car on fire?

Ooh. Hmm!

Both of you have done exemplary work, which I appreciate.

And I can see that by the absolutely no indicators on your face.

However, you are colleagues, and the fallout from this bet has the potential to put a strain on your professional relationship.

Only if I lose.

I'm a terrible sport.

Cases will be assigned as they usually are.

Dismissed.

Captain, you look... No.

Rosa, hey, would you like to share a cup of coffee with me?

I got some gorgeous new coffee beans.

Sure, that sounds great.

Isn't that, like, your fifth cup of coffee today?

I'm trying to counteract the drowsiness from my pain meds.

I took a double dose after the incident at the ceremony.

Photographer: Bring peanut butter forward... forward.

Uh, can the little guy take a big step back, please?

My name is Charles Boyle.

I won the same medal as this horse.

[Screams]

The footage from my fall led the local news, so who's the hero now, peanut butter?

Peanut butter.

Gina, you're just trying to hurt me to distract yourself from your own internal pain.

Also, you should use less conditioner, because this is a flat mess.

Holt: What's going on with Boyle?

His pain meds are making him weird.

Oh, okay. Yes.

This happened to my dad when he got his vasectomy un-reversed.

You get all relaxed and you have no filter and you just start dropping truth bombs on everyone.

Oh, that explains the elevator.

I'm worried you don't find me interesting.

I'm gonna pretend someone texted me.

Bloop.

[Chuckles]

Gina, please keep an eye on Boyle today.

He's gonna say something to the wrong person and get himself punched.

Sure, I'd love to see Charles get punched.

Try again?

I will stop Charles from getting punched.

Correct.

Great.

[Exhales]

Ladies and gentlemen,

I present Carl Laudson, who stole $3,000.

Santiago takes the lead with one minute left.

Suck it, Peralta.

[Bemused] Oh, no.

That's right, "oh, no."

Oh, no. You don't seem worried.

Why aren't you worried?

Bring in the Johns.

I ran a prostitution sting through vice and arrested 30 guys for soliciting.

That's not a felony.

It is when it's your second offense, which is the case for ten of these gentlemen.

Fun fact: Four of them are actually named John.

Ironic.

Anyhoo, ten more for Peralta.

Accept your fate.

Never.

Five, four, three, two, one. No.

Jake wins, Amy loses.

[Music playing] ♪ Celebrate good times come on! ♪
♪ Let's celebrate Look! [Horns blow]

♪ Celebrate good times, come on! ♪ Whoo!

Amy Santiago, you have made me the happiest man on earth.

I spent $1 on this ring.

Will you go on the worst date ever with me?

You have to say yes.

Yes.

[Cheers and applause] She said yes!

She said yes.

This is for you.

[Horn honks]

Amy Santiago, date time.

Time to date.

Peralta, this outfit is ridiculous.

Chop chop.

There's plenty of embarrassing to do and only a few hours to do it in.

Happy?

Oh, yeah.

You look like every girl at every bat mitzvah I ever had a crush on.

Let's see the bow. [Chuckles]

Just like Jenny Gildenhorn.

Why do I wish you had braces?

Should we get you braces?

No, that's too much.

Here I come.

Nice shorts.

Thank you. Believe it or not, they were not very expensive.

Do I really have to wear this all night?

You know the rules.

The date starts now and ends at midnight.

I decide what you wear, what you eat, and where we go.

Oh, and there is one more rule.

No matter what happens, you're not allowed to fall in love with me.

Won't be a problem.

Detective Boyle, I just wanted to say congratulations.

Your medal was well-deserved.

Thank you, sir.

Your breath is terrible.

Charles, can I speak with you?

Hey, where's Rosa?

I haven't seen her all night.

Did you know my wife pays me alimony?

Okay, let's take a seat.

I'm gonna keep an eye on you all night, little buddy.

Okay. Thanks.

Hey, baby.

Hey, baby. Happy you made it.

Captain, I'd like you to meet my wife, Sharon.

It's so wonderful to meet you.

I've heard such great things about you.

And you.

Your husband is a real hero.

If you ask me, he should've been up there with Detective Boyle today.

What for?

For saving my life.

He means metaphorically.

You know, saving him from all that paperwork.

Paper cuts are a slow death, baby.

No, I was referring to how he threw his body at an emotionally disturbed criminal who was trying to kill me.

Nooo!

He did what?

Are you back in the field?

Oh. I have caused a problem.

I think I am...

Getting a text message.

Bloop.

Ah. There it is.

Why is this the first I'm hearing about this?

I thought I told you.

Remember when you were half asleep watching the news and the babies were quiet, and I said, real low, "hey, baby.

I'm back in the field. You want something to eat?"

And you were like, "what?"

And I was like, "you want something to eat?"

And you said, "sure."

And I got you an oatmeal cookie?

Remember?

You are a piece of work, Terrance.

Oh, damn. She called me Terrance.

I'm doomed.

[Bullhorn blares]

Jake: Hot date coming through.

Hey, attention, everyone.

Now I know that tonight is Boyle's big night.

[Cheering]

But let's forget about that completely for a moment and admire and comment on every terrible aspect of this.

[Cheers and applause]

Permission to go to the bathroom?

Granted. First of three.

Use them wisely.

Hey.

Congrats again, buddy.

I really am proud of you.

Still wearing the medal, huh?

Yes, I want women to be impressed by me.

All right.

Well, I'm sorry that I can't stay, but I have a terrible night planned for Amy.

First up is the mall photo studio, where we'll take our official date portrait.

The picture will be the two of us playing one saxophone.

Then some peel-and-eat shrimp for dinner at a dangerously cheap seafood restaurant.

And then I've contracted a youth choir to serenade us.

[All singing]

♪ Santiago Santiago ♪

♪ Santiago

♪ Santiago ♪
♪ You suck so bad Yes!

They'll sing to her at midnight the middle of Times Square.

She and 500 German tourists will savor that memory for all times.

Jake, do you know why little boys pull little girls' pigtails on playgrounds?

'Cause they're so easy to grab.

They're just begging to be pulled.

Because they like the girls, and that's the only way they know how to get their attention.

What are you saying?

All of this teasing, this elaborate date, somewhere down deep, you like Amy.

Like, "like her," like her.

Okay, that's straight-up insanity.

How much did you spend on tonight?

$1,400, but all of it's on credit cards, so it's, like, $5 a month for the next 2,000 years.

I do not like Amy!

You're putting a lot of effort into a joke.

Why don't you sit down and have a real conversation with her?

Okay, Boyle, you live in your ex-wife's new boyfriend's basement.

I'm not taking advice from you.

Hup.

I'm ashamed of my living situation.

Rosa, why are you sequestered over by this old cell phone?

I'm avoiding Boyle and his truth bombs.

I sometimes worry I'm gonna become you.

He keeps saying he wants to talk to me.

I'm afraid he's gonna tell me he loves me or propose marriage or something.

Oh, my God.

That makes me kind of want to cry.

He dove in front of those bullets for me.

I can't be mean to him.

I watched him make coffee for 28 minutes this morning.

But I also can't lead him on.

Captain Holt told me not to let him get hurt tonight.

So I'll keep him away from you.

Have you seen Rosa?

Rosa died eight years ago.

Come on. Let's get you a drink.

Jake: Excuse me, everyone.

Santiago and I will be performing the steerage jig from the film Titanic, which we have prepared for in no way, shape, or form.

Romantic.

No, embarrassing.

Milady.


[Fiddle music plays]

[Cheers and applause]

You look pretty. I hate your guts.

Channel that passion into the dance.

Peralta. Scully, tag in.

Okay. Keep spinning.

Yes. One of our informants just called.

We've been tracking a crew that lifts cargo out of Laguardia.

The C.I. knows where the trucks unload, so I need you to stake out the drop site.

Oh, sir, I'm right in the middle of this date and I cannot reschedule.

I have far, far too many non-refundable deposits.

I'm renting a tiger cub by the hour.

For what? Don't even know.

Waiting for inspiration.

Well, this is not a negotiation, so go.

All right, fine, but I'm taking Santiago with me.

As soon as we're done, it's back to the date.

Darling.

Brief pause. Duty calls.

Oh, thank God.

Gina, tag in?

No, not even if it would cure cancer.

Okay.

Look, baby, I'm sorry, but Captain's life was in danger.

I just did what I had to do.

It was an impulse decision.

Well, I guess I can understand that.

Holt: Sharon.

I have to apologize.

I want to assure you that the call to put sergeant Jeffords back in the field wasn't a spur-of-the-moment, impulse decision.

It's been in the works for a few months now.

Terry said it just happened.

I think you two need to get your stories straight.

Perhaps I should stop talking to your wife.

That's a good call. Captain.

Sharon.

Amy: I'm so happy to be out of that dress.

It was weirdly hot.

Oh, yeah, it's probably because it was a cotton and plastic blend.

But not to worry.

We're gonna catch these guys and get back to the worst date of your life.

No.

Nothing will ever be worse than the date I had with my aunt's dentist.

You should try some of this.

Okay.

Oh. Okay. Hold on. Hmm?

Yeah, dessert is out of the question.

[Laughs]

What was your worst date ever?

I think it's, like, a 50-way tie.

The last lady I went out with burst into tears when I told her I was a Gemini.

Wow.

Hey, those people left that door open.

I bet there's a better vantage point from the roof.

Mmm, and I bet it doesn't smell like old cheese.

Okay, that's hurtful.

Shall we? Yeah.

So what else don't I know?

You cooking meth?

You breaking bad?

How many phones do you have?

I'm sorry, I need to clarify something I said earlier.

Sergeant Jeffords was correct when he said that his choice to go back in the field that night was an impulse decision.

He didn't even take the time to stop and gear up, so...

Sharon: What? So...

You didn't have your vest on?

Oh, no. Oh, goodness.

I shouldn't have said that.

I feel I may have made things worse.

Wait. I can fix this, Ray.

Now is not the time, Boyle. Hush!

I want to hear this.

Boyle, let's not make big... Hush.

Truth time.

We love your husband.

He's a great cop.

We will do anything to protect him.

And you have incredibly attractive hands.

And you, what the hell are you doing, lying to your wife?

Unless you want to end up moving into my ex-wife's new boyfriend's basement with me, you better man up.

Don't you ever keep anything from this beautiful woman again.

Seriously, you are beautiful.

Oh. If he ever lies to you again, you can call me.

I'm sorry, honey.

I just didn't want you to worry.

Baby, I am always gonna worry about you.

But if you feel like you're ready, then get your ass back in the field.

But if you ever keep anything from me again, I will leave you for this short, earnest man and his ex-wife's new boyfriend's apartment.

I know you're kidding, but Hercules is actually a very good landlord.

Sometimes, when they go on nice vacations, I'm allowed to use the hot tub.

Man, I don't know how Batman does it.

It is super scary up here.

Hey, will you grab the binoculars?

They're in my stakeout bag.

Your stakeout bag is 98% nuts.

I get snacky.

Besides, nuts are super healthy.

They're, like, 0% fat.

Jake, that's not true at all.

It's actually the opposite.

What? That nut vendor lied to me.

I think a pigeon just flew out of your car.

Yeah.

The windows don't exactly roll up.

The car's a piece of crap.

Why do you love it so much?

You really want to know?

I was two days out of the academy, super nervous.

Saw this guy run out of a bodega, clutching a bunch of cash.

So I pursued him on foot, 11 blocks.

Finally catch him, cuff him, throw him up against that car.

Turned out there was a for sale sign in the window, and, it being the best day of my life, I bought it.

Thus began the debt.

Crushing debt.

Yeah, you do know me.

Nut?

Only if you throw it.

Ready? Ready?

Mm-hmm. Nice.

You ready? Uh-huh.

[Both laugh]

What are you doing?

Trying to catch it in your nose?

[Phone rings] I got it, I got it, I got it.

It's Holt. Keep practicing.

Okay.

Peralta.

Oh, good news, Peralta.

I found someone from the night shift to relieve you on your stakeout.

Ooh. Still make Times Square.

Um...

You know, Captain, hold off on the relief team.

We're already here.

Plus I'm curious to see what happens.

Holt: Okay, it's your call.

All right.

[Sniffs]

What did Holt want?

Just checking in.

How you doing? Any progress?

Yep. Watch.

The key is volume. I see that.

Jake: So be honest.

If you'd won the bet, were you really gonna destroy my car?

No. I was gonna drive it.

So I could learn stick.

You wouldn't.

I would. Would've been, like, [screeching noise]

No. No!

Hey, hey!

Jake: There's our guys.

What's the play here?

Just follow my lead.

Give me the ring.

Now give me some nuts.

I'm snacky.

All right, fine, darling.

I'll ask him. Will that make you happy?

Jake: Excuse me, sir.

We're kind of busye.

Yeah, my girlfriend, here, thinks we're lost.

No, I know we're lost.

I think he's an idiot. Idiot?

You know why we're out here in the middle of the night, Susan?

I was gonna propose to you.

Amy: [Gasps]

On the Brooklyn bridge, where we met.

Brooklyn bridge?

We met on the Manhattan bridge.

You know what? This is over.

Say good-bye to the ring and everything it represents.

[Gasps]

You son of a bitch!

Hey, hey. Stop yelling hey, no one talks to Susan like that.

And you know what else? On the ground! NYPD! NYPD!

You're under arrest.

Nice work.

You too.

I'm sad y'all are arresting me, but I gotta say, I'm glad you're back together.

Hey. I need to talk to you.

Oh. It's happening?

Remember when I took those bullets for you?

Okay, let's do this.

I think you're sweet...

I didn't know it was you.

When I jumped in front of those bullets, I didn't know who I was protecting.

I just saw a gun and an NYPD vest, and so I dove on instinct.

You've been extra nice to me because you thought I'd risked my life for you.

But I only did what every good cop would do.

When you finally go out with me, and you will, it'll be because I do things that only Charles Boyle would do.

Um, actually, I have a coat in here.

It's, uh... it's, like... actually, I see it.

It's, like... it's blue... it's, like, right...

Excellent job on the stakeout last night.

I'm glad to see you two still work well together despite that ridiculous bet.

Thanks. Me too.

And I appreciate your turning down the relief team.

I'm not sure they could've made that bust.

Yeah. Right.

The relief team.

So... sorry you lost so much money last night.

Guess you can add it to your list of bad dates.

Nah, it still goes on the good date list.

You know, 'cause we caught the bad guys.

That's very mature of you.

Well, I am very mature man.

Delivery man: Package for Amy Santiago.

That's me.

Special delivery from Jake Peralta to say, "thanks for last night."

Oh, no. I forgot to cancel.

♪ Here I am Cancel what? Sir, you don't have to...

Okay.

Okay. All right, so...

Uhh... eugh!

Okay, no, no, no, no, no.

All right, stepping in, stepping in.

I'll take this bullet for you.

Ugh. Hitchcock, what are you doing?

I thought... aren't we all gonna... no?